Original subtitles

Come in.

Oh, hi, Felix.

Hello, Gloria.

What's the matter?

You seem depressed.

You've always been able to read my moods

better than anybody, Gloria.

Where's Leonard?

My son is in my roommate's room.

I hope he's had all his shots.

What's he doing in there?

Talking football, what else?

Well, did the two of you have a nice afternoon?

We had a nice hour.

We played a game of chess, which I won,

and I showed him my new $900 camera,

which he took a fancy to.

Then Oscar came home,

and I spent the rest of the afternoon taking pictures

of the two of them

having a wonderful time talking football.

Well, Oscar is his coach.

Yes. I'm only his father.

You're my ex-wife.

He'll soon be my ex-son.

That's slick.

They'll never know what hit them if you do it right.

We did it many years ago.

It's so old it's new.

See, the kid stands there and he's holding his helmet.

Now, you fake a pass to him,

but you hand it off to another guy,

and they'll tackle the kid with the helmet all the time.

Can we work on it tomorrow afternoon?

Sure. GLORIA: Uh, Leonard...

Okay, so long, Coach.

Oh, Mom, you're here.

Yes, we're here.

Mom and Dad.

Well, we have to be going.

Leonard.

Okay, so long, Dad.

Thanks for the nice day. My pleasure.

Your pictures will be ready next week. Right.

See you next week, Dad.

And I'll see you tomorrow, Coach.

Okay.

So long, Gloria. Bye-bye.

That's a great kid, Felix.

You ought to be very proud of him.

Hmm.

He sure loves football, doesn't he?

Hmm.

I think he's got a great season

ahead of him. Hmm.

That's three "hmms," Felix.

Either you're mad, or you've got lockjaw.

What is it?

You're mad because we went into my room and talked?

No, not at all.

Are you being honest?

No, I'm not.

Oscar, you're stealing my son away from me.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

You really believe that?

Oh, forget it.

Forget "Oscar, you're stealing my son from me"?

How can I?

All I'm doing is coaching Leonard's team.

By default. They asked me first.

Then why didn't you do it?

Why? Why didn't I do it?

Yeah, why didn't you do it?

The, the reason I-I didn't...

Is?

Well, the, the real reason that I...

Because you stammer? No!

The reason is... What?

I'm afraid!

Now we're back to why.

Don't you have any understanding?

I want to do it, but I can't.

Like I said, why?

I'm afraid of looking like a fool in front of my son.

I don't know enough about football.

Well, if you can't coach, don't coach.

Must everything be explained to you?

I want to do things with my son.

I want to be in a position of authority.

I want to... I want to look good to him.

How about groundskeeper?

You'll look great.

You enjoy seeing me die inside, don't you, Oscar?

Why? I'm sorry...

Why, Oscar? I'm sorry.

Tell me, where is the law that says

that the only way fathers and sons can get together

is by playing football?

What did father and sons do before football was invented?

Chariot races.

More cruelty.

I've been a good father to Leonard.

I've... shared things with him. Of course you have,

but a lot of kids don't care how you run a vacuum cleaner.

Oh... that's not the only thing.

I've taken him places...

Yeah, sure, the Grand National Bakeoff in Cincinnati.

Felix, if you want to get close to your kid,

you got to do things together that he likes.

Like what? Well, fishing.

Uh... Worms, I know.

If I mention model airplanes,

you say the glue gives you a headache.

You want to get close to your son?

Yes. Take up wrestling.

With my back? There we go.

Be serious, Oscar.

I'm losing my son.

Don't sit there.

I want him to look up to me as his father.

I want him to come up to me

and punch me in the stomach and say, "Hi, Coach."

You want me to help you? Yes.

All right, I'll help you. How?

I'll teach you how to coach.

Hurry up, will you, Felix.

I want to take Nancy to the movies tonight.

Was Leonard happy when he learned I was going to coach?

Yeah.

You don't sound very convincing.

Yeah, he was happy.

I mean, what's more important: winning or fatherhood?

Besides, you're going to be great.

Couple of sessions with me, you'll be a real monster

on the gridiron. Okay, I'm ready.

What's the matter?

You're going to sell ice cream?

Just a casual sports outfit.

I thought it would be appropriate.

On a yacht, it would be appropriate.

You told me to put on something I could move around in.

Yeah, but you can't wear that when you're coaching the kids.

Well, what should I wear?

Put on a sweat suit. I don't have a sweat suit.

I'll let you wear my sweat suit. I'd die first!

Okay, okay here's the thing.

Now, when you're coaching kids,

you got to stress the fundamentals: Yeah.

Blocking, passing, running and tackling. Yeah.

Right? Okay, now no matter what Mm-hmm.

Anybody says, it all boils down to that.

Teach the kids to do that right,

they'll win every time, okay? Yeah.

First we'll go to blocking, okay?

The correct position for blocking.

Does that hurt your knuckles?

Come on, will you, Felix?

Concentrate, you'll never learn. Okay.

Now come on, get down like me, will ya? Come on.

What are we, the Rockettes?

Over there, Felix.

Will you, please, opposite me?

You're on one line, I'm on...

I don't want to dance with you, Felix.

Please, step back, okay?

Now, we'll go on the third hut. Hut?

Hut. Gee, I haven't heard that since I was in the army.

Hut, hut, hit, ho! Yeah, right.

Right, it's just like the army... it's acadence.

Okay, we'll do it. I wonder who first thought of saying "hut"

instead of one. That's odd,

isn't it? Yeah, I'll tell you what, after we practice,

we can stroll down to the library,

do a little research on it.

I was just curious

about how the expression "hut" started.

Well, maybe from a quarterback who had the hiccups!

What's the difference? It's here.

A snap of the ball comes a hut, okay?

Yes. Yes. I got you, babe.

Babe?! Yeah.

That's the way the players talk to each other. Babe, babe, babe.

All right.

Okay, now, I'm offense, you're defense. Right.

You got to get past me to tackle the runner.

Okay, now I'll take it easy with you. Right. Yeah.

I won't hurt you, okay? Okay, now we'll go. Right.

Hut! Hut.

I got by you, baby!

And so cutely.

Come on, will you, Felix? Do it right.

Come on, you know better than that. Let's go.

Okay, now we'll go on the third hut. Yes.

Third hut. We're dancing again.

I'm sorry.

Here we go. Hut!

Hut! Hut!

Got by you again.

Again, I'm a fireplug.

Felix, you've got to get by me with muscle!

Oh, why use muscle when brains are so much more effective?

Felix, brains without brute force

in football leave a lot of cleat marks

on the back of your head.

Aren't all the professionals college graduates?

Yeah, with degrees in punishment.

Now, would you forget all your theory?

All right, let's go to running, all right? Yes.

Running. Running's important.

Where's the ball? Here we go. Okay.

Running, now, let's see.

We'll make the door the goal, right? Yes.

You got to get past me, get to the door for the goal, okay?

Yes. Now, I'll give you the ball. Later on...

Touchdown! Hey!

Fun!

I think I missed my true calling.

No, you didn't; you're a tragic figure.

I'm going to the movies.

No, no, come on, come on. Teach me some more.

This is for Leonard.

All right. Let's start at the beginning.

Let's start with centering, all right?

You'll snap the ball to me. You'll be center. Down.

Yes. Okay, no. Get centered.

Come on, will you? I want to go to the movie.

All right, yeah, here we go.

No.

Don't do that!

Felix, all I want you to do is when I say, "hut,"

Yes. snap the ball hard to me in my stomach,

so I can hand it off...

I didn't say, "hut."

I went to the library tonight.

I got... I got some books on football.

You ought to look these over; these are really terrific.

Plays That Fooled the Pros,

Faking for Fun and Profit,

Football, the Game of Deception. Yeah.

That's the great one. Read the first paragraph.

"Football is sleight of hand

"to divert the attention of the opposition,

"to prepare them psychologically for one thing,

and deliver another." Isn't that interesting?

Yeah, if you're playing with magicians,

but you're playing with kids, Felix.

Every time a kid handles the ball,

you got a great chance of fumbling.

Two kids handle the ball, you got two great chances

of fumbling. No, no, no, no, I don't believe that.

The best game we ever played

was when the kids had bubblegum on their fingers.

I'm telling you,

you want to win tomorrow, punt, and when the other kid

drops the ball, have Leonard fall on it.

No, no, no, tha-that's too pessimistic.

I believe the... I'm giving you the facts of life.

You want tricky plays, I know a lot of tricky.

I know a tricky play right here.

Okay, let's go.

As the quarterback hands the ball here, Oscar!

Puts it under his shirt. How can you write on your wall?!

That's very soft lead.

So, kids, I won't be able to coach you anymore.

Now, wait a minute. Now the good news!

Your new coach, Coach Unger!

Ah, thank you, thank you.

Thank you, Coach Madison.

Well, men, as Coach Madison said,

my name is Coach Unger.

Very well...

It's a real pleasure to make your acquaintance,

and I say that in all sincerity.

You're a fine-looking group of men.

Very good, very good. You want to tuck in your shirt, son?

Now, men, I'm not going to start out

under any false pretenses to you.

I can't pretend that I'm a great expert on football.

As a matter of fact, I don't remember if I ever...

ever played the game at all.

But, uh, seriously, men.

I know that you men have been

playing together and winning together.

And I feel that I'll probably

learn more from you than you will from me.

- Be that as it may... - Yay, Coach Unger!

Thanks. Thanks very much. Great group. Yeah.

Listen, I'm going to watch the game from the bleachers.

Good luck, gang, good luck.

Let's hear it for Coach Madison!

Hip-hip. KIDS: Hooray!

Thanks, kids. Good luck!

There goes a great guy.

As a matter of fact, men, I've been doing

a little bit of studying over the weekend.

I've come up with a...

couple of things I think we can toy with, so, uh...

let's start off with a clean slate.

Now, I've come up with a formation

that I think will work.

This is called the disjointed U.

Disjointed U?

Sounds complicated, but it's not.

One, two, three, four...

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Now, listen carefully.

Center hands off to the quarterback,

who hands off to the fullback, who crosses around to the end,

hands off to the end; the end crosses around

to this side, and...

sends a forward pass down to the flanker

who's down here, catches it,

laterals to the opposing flanker,

and down the field he goes.

Got it?

What happened to the hidden helmet play?

Oh, the hidden helmet is child's play.

We're childs.

Hey, Dad, we're not going to have enough time to learn

any new plays today, are we? Yeah, yeah, I think we will.

As a matter of fact, I had a few mimeographed.

Why don't you, uh...

Why don't you pass these out to the players, son?

We've got a couple of hours before the game.

Why don't you study these on the bench, men?

And I've got you some great energy food!

Brownies! Yay!

What do you say? Let's...

hit the field, men, okay?

Hut, hut, hut.

I'll be with you as soon as I wash the whistle.

I'd like to disjoint his U!

Leonard...

Did you see it, Uncle Oscar?

Yeah, I saw, I saw.

It's our first game of the season,

and our first loss of the season.

Well, it's one of those things.

I wouldn't blame your coach.

Who would you blame? It's those weird plays.

Yeah, I can't even pronounce them, much less do them.

Don't be discouraged, men.

We haven't begun to fight!

They're a little bit ahead now, but we're going to come back!

Felix. Please, Oscar, I don't have many minutes in here.

Now we've made a few mistakes, that's all right.

We know where they are, we know we can correct them.

Felix, we... We're learning our plays.

We're together, that's the main thing.

Now, Chubby... Where's Chubby?

Over here!

Chubby, don't be disturbed about that last play.

That was a typing error.

That's not your fault. Felix...

Now, men...

What? The game is over!

What?

The game is over.

No, it's only the end of the first half.

No, it's the end of the second half!

Well, then, the game is over.

Now you got it.

Oh, hi, Gloria. Come in. Hi.

Felix isn't here.

I know.

He's downtown buying things for the team.

Yeah, he already bought an album...

Great Coache" Pep Talks. Oh.

He's been listening to Knute Rockne incessantly.

Oscar, I've got to talk to you about Felix.

The kids hate him.

Oh, not as a person, but as a coach.

They want to fire him.

You got to respect them for that.

Mm. They had a meeting at the house last night.

They voted 11 to one to get rid of him.

Well, at least Leonard stood up for him. That's nice.

No, it was Chubby.

He liked the brownies.

How are you gonna tell him?

I don't know. I...

You-You know him better than I do.

How would you tell him?

I don't know.

I-I find I'm always better

when I'm straightforward with Felix, you know.

Tell him he did a lousy job,

they lost the game, and he's out... tell him the truth.

The one thing about Felix, he'll always accept the truth.

That's exactly right.

That's exactly the way you should tell him.

Bye.

Wait till you see the ball in the air.

And then go and get it!

And when we get it, boys, that's when we go on offense.

That's when we go to 'em!

We're going inside 'em, we're going outside 'em!

Inside 'em and outside 'em,

Look at this. I got to fire Knute Rockne.

Listen! Listen to this!

Listen to this! Knute Rockne!

Something I got to tell you now.

You want to talk to me about yesterday's game?

Yes, as a matter of fact, that's what...

Yeah, you were right, I was wrong. I know that now.

My... I was much too technical with the guys.

It's the wrong approach! Yeah.

Right. Your coaching is all wrong for the kids.

Yes... That's... I know it; that's why I got this record!

This man!

He knew! He knew!

A coach must inspire his players.

I've got to give those kids inspiration, that's it.

No, Felix.

Those kids have enough inspiration to begin with.

See, once they're out of the house,

rolling around in the dirt, stepping on each other,

that's what they like, you see.

No, no, no, Oscar, you're cute,

but that's not what the Rock was talking about.

He was talking about that extra something

that the greats have inside them,

that they can pull out of themselves when they need it,

when lesser men would give up.

Have you ever thought of giving up, Felix? Hmm.

Yes, I must confess that after yesterday's game,

I considered retiring.

Then why don't you?

Because I don't want my son to think I'm a quitter.

And we're not gonna pass

unless our secondary comes up too close.

But don't forget, men, we're gonna get 'em on the run.

We're gonna go, go, go, go!

Oscar, did you want to tell me something?

Oh, like the man said, "Go, go, go."

But first we're coming back

with a fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!

What do you say, men?

Oh, you guys don't understand.

Mr. Unger is with you all the way!

He's giving you his very best!

It's rotten, but it's his very best.

Now, what are you gonna do, just throw him out?

Uncle Oscar, look on the blackboard.

What's that?

Plans for Apollo 16? No.

That's a triple reverse.

We practiced it yesterday.

And right here is where we all ran into each other.

We just don't want Dad to coach.

I mean, I love him,

but I got to think of the rest of the team.

Okay, listen, I'm gonna be your coach during the game.

Yay, Coach Madison!

Quiet, will you?

Now, here's my plan, listen.

Every couple of minutes,

one of you guys from the bench come in here.

I'll give you a new play.

See, and you bring that out.

Now, you forget anything that Mr. Unger tells you, okay?

Can I tell Mr. Unger he's through?

No, Chubby! He's not through.

Officially, he's gonna be your coach.

That's the official rule, see?

But we won't tell him anything.

He mustn't know one thing about this, all right?

Okay, now, you guys, get ready, come on.

Let's go.

Good luck to you and your Trojans, Mr. Porter.

Okay, give me your attention, men.

We're gonna have a little pep talk.

Now, men, today is the day we're going to win.

I know it, and you know it, and you know why we know it?

Because we're going to go, go, go, go, go!

We're going to fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!

And if they throw a forward pass,

wait till you see the ball in the air,

then go and get it!

And if you get it, then we go on the offense,

and don't forget, we've got to pick on that one tackle

they've got that's weak.

We're going to go inside, we're going to go outside!

We're going to go inside, and go outside!

We're gonna get 'em on the run, and if we get 'em on the run,

we're going to keep 'em on the run!

And we're gonna go, go, go, go, go

till we get to that goal line!

They can't lick us!

We're going to fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!

We're gonna win! What do you say, men?

Good!

Let's go!

They love me.

Go, baby, go, run! Good!

Go!

It's fourth down, Uncle Oscar.

What do we do, punt?

No, don't punt! We want to keep hold of the ball...

Fake a punt, and hand it to Cramer.

But don't let go till he pulls it away from you. Okay.

Okay.

Go, Cramer, go!

Run, baby, run!

Good!

It worked, Mr. Madison.

We got our first down. What do we do now?

Now, their right end is dropping back.

Untie your shoelaces.

And blow your nose!

That a boy!

That a boy, Chubby!

Keep going, baby, you're doing beautifully!

We're on the 20, Uncle Oscar!

Dad hasn't noticed a thing.

Yeah, I know. I saw him

giving his Knute Rockne speech to the other coach.

What do we do? Pass?

No. Come here, listen.

I want all you guys to get in front of Cramer, see?

And take him right up to the end.

And on your way back, bring me a couple of brownies. Okay.

That's it, Chubby.

That's it, Chubby!

Keep running!

Oh, you should have tied your shoelace first.

Good, fall on him!

Fall on him, Chubby. You'll flatten him.

Go ahead, baby! Go ahead!

Just put the brownies on the bench.

Hey, did Mr. Unger notice

that we weren't using any of his plays?

Yes.

Hi, babe.

You look angry, Felix.

Through these, you look very large and very angry.

Now you look very small and very angry.

These are called opera glasses.

You know, you should buy a pair.

Then when you see Pagliacci, you'll really enjoy...

What are you picking on me for?

So you caught me. What's the big deal?

Eat your brownies.

I lost my appetite.

Not for treachery, you haven't.

Made the first down.

Congratulations, Coach.

I can explain, Felix.

Yeah, so can I.

You just can't help humiliating me

in front of my son.

We're going outside 'em, inside them and outside 'em,

and when we get 'em on the run once,

we're gonna keep 'em on the run.

And we're not gonna pass

unless our secondary comes up too close.

And don't forget, men, we're gonna get 'em

on the run, we're gonna... Hi, Felix.

You got a headache?

Hey, why did you run out like that?

Everybody wondered what happened to you.

Hey, we won.

They tried the shoelace trick,

and we intercepted the shoe and made a touchdown.

I'll get it.

Oh, hi, Leonard.

Come on in.

Dad, can I talk to you?

I'll get lost.

Sure, you can talk to me.

Huh. What's on your mind?

No, I know.

Your mother called me.

Everybody's trying to spare my feelings.

I just ought to face the fact that...

I'm a failure as a father.

You're not.

You're a great father.

Football's not your bag, that's all.

But football isn't the only thing.

You've taught me lots of things.

Yeah? Like what?

Well, you've taught me all about photography,

and you've taught me to love music.

You've taught me 1,000 ways to use raisins.

You're being very kind, Leonard.

I just taught you those things 'cause I like 'em.

I wasn't thinking about you.

The same with the football game.

I gave you a lot of complicated plays

'cause I liked it.

I wasn't thinking about the kids at all.

Well, gee, Dad, we had another vote after the game.

You did?

They still want me to be coach?

No, we want you to be team dietician.

And we voted you the game ball, Dad.

Aw, gee.

Thanks.

Tell all the guys thanks for me.

Yeah. Well, I got to go.

Mom's waiting.

Bye, Pop. Bye, son.

Hey, what is that, the game ball?

That's terrif...

Look at what I'm doing.

I heard the whole conversation.

I'm not only treacherous, I'm nosy, so hit me.

You're a lucky guy, Felix.

And if I ever do steal a son, it'll be yours.

Well, let me know

when you're speaking to me again, will you?

Oscar?

What?

You're right.

I am lucky.

Hey, Coach, catch!

And go, go, go, go!

And we're under attack, and they're in on that goal line...

What's for breakfast, Felix?

Oh, melon!

We've got cantaloupe this morning that's beautiful.

It's beautiful! Marvelous! I'd love some.

My throat is so dry.

Bring it to me, will you? Look at this.

Hey, Oscar. Statue of Liberty.

Oh!

What's the matter? Oh!

What's the matter?

Bursitis! My arm.

You can't move it? No!

You sure? Yeah, I can't!

Oh, oh. You can't move it at all?

No, I can't! Okay.