Original subtitles

I can't tell you what a thrill it is for me

to have you in my studio, David Steinberg.

Oh, my favorite talk show host.

Oh, thank you very much. I really mean it.

I just wait for Johnny, Merv or Dick to get sick

so I can see you.

You're, uh, very kind.

Yeah, we have a love in common.

You've met my secretary?

That's priceless!

Oh...

not really, it's Pearly.

No, yeah...

No, um, we both like old radio theme songs.

Oh! Do you like the radio songs? Yeah.

♪ Who's that little chatterbox? ♪

♪ The one with pretty auburn locks ♪

♪ Who can it be? ♪

♪ It's Little Orphan Annie ♪

♪ Arf says Sandy... ♪ That's terrific.

All right, here's one:

♪ How do you do everybody, how do you do? ♪

The Happiness Boys.

Billy Jones and Ernie Hare!

Hey, you're very good.

That's terrific!

When people find out I'm taking your picture for TV Guide,

they're all going to ask me one question...

And what is that question, Felix?

What is David Steinberg really like?

What is David Steinberg really like?

I'm entirely different.

That's priceless!

Hello.

Yes, he is. Yes, he is.

Just one moment please.

Hold...

And now, heeeeeere's David!

Hello.

Oh, that.

Uh, it's a little hard to explain.

Yeah, who've we got?

Stacha Wozniac,

the Polish discus champ!

I read about her... yeah.

No, no, I don't think so, Phil.

No, no one will... hold on a second.

Felix, would you watch my show

if I had Stacha Wozniac,

the Polish discus... Oh yeah, yeah.

You could be very, very funny with her.

She'd teach you how to toss the discus.

Yeah!

Phil, book her on the show.

That's right.

Yeah, I don't know,

I just think I'd be very funny with her.

You know she'd teach me how to throw the discus.

Yeah.

All right, well, book him on the show too.

The guy who wrote the article on her.

What's his name?

Oscar Madison.

Oscar Madison?

Yeah, that's right.

The only thing is that

we must have him here this afternoon.

Yeah, he's got to be here within the next hour,

because he's got a lot of preparing to do.

Felix, we'll sing a little later on, if you don't mind.

This is important to me. I can get him for you.

Oscar Madison... I can get him.

You can have Oscar Madison here this afternoon?

I'll see him. Where?

In my living room, my bathroom.

I live with the guy.

He's my roommate.

You live with Oscar Madison?

Yeah!

Phil, forget it.

I've got a guy here who can deliver him.

Yeah, just as soon as he goes to the bathroom, we've got him!

That's funny.

Oh, yeah.

Great, Phil. Bye-bye.

Now, Felix, you're sure

we can have Oscar Madison this afternoon?

Guaranteed!

You've got Oscar Madison on your show tonight!

Oscar!

Oscar...

Oscar!

I'm not going on the show tonight.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

Don't you realize what an honor it is

to be asked to be on that show?

Besides, I promised David you'd do it.

I committed myself.

You should have committed yourself a long time ago.

But they want you on the show.

They need you...

What are you doing in my kitchen sink?

Sweatsocks.

You're doing them yourself? Yeah.

In my kitchen sink?!

Why?

The laundry refused them.

The main thing is you've got to go on that show tonight.

Why?

Oscar, you're... you're a very entertaining guy.

You're the kind they love on those shows.

You talk without thinking.

They love that.

I'm a writer, not a talker.

The whole thing scares me.

Aw-haw! So that's it, you're scared!

Oh boy, if they asked me

to go on one of those shows...

I wouldn't be scared.

Felix, 40 million people watching you,

watching every move you make.

It scares the pants off me!

You see that, you see,

scares the pants off you.

You see how you turn a phrase?

That would be screams!

Believe me,

David will put you at your ease...

he'll sit you down,

you'll talk about business...

What are you doing?

Forget it. I'm not going on the show.

But I promised you.

It'll make me look like a fool.

Better you than me, buddy.

Oscar... you're a funny man.

Funny, funny man!

How am I a funny, funny man?

It's your habits; it's the way you...

Now, look...

you, you light your cigar at the stove.

Washing your sweatsocks in the kitchen sink.

That's funny?!

A minute ago, you were ready to kill me for it!

I know, but people who don't have to live with you

think that's funny.

And everybody I tell

about you laughs their head off.

You tell people about me?! Yeah.

What do you tell 'em?

Well, I tell them... I don't know...

how you throw your clothes around,

how you pack a suitcase, how you eat.

That's... people love you for that!

It's funny! Yeah?

What are you doing?

Going for a laugh!

Don't be such a wise guy.

I have to clean that up!

Come on, call David's office.

Tell them you'll go on the show.

It's the simplest thing...

What's funny now?

You!

Putting your socks on the icebox.

That's funny to you? Yeah.

It's the way you do it... Oh, come on!

Will you cut it out? Stop conning me.

You opened your big mouth, you said I'll do it.

All right, I'll do it! Oh.

But don't con me! Great. Great.

I'm talking...

to Stacha Wozniac.

She's the Polish discus champ.

She doesn't speak any English.

Put me down, Stacha!

Oh, thank you!

Thank you, Stacha Wozniac, ladies and gentlemen.

Let's hear it for her.

Thank you, Stacha.

That was Stacha Wozniac doing her thing...

and I think she hurt my thing.

Priceless!

In just a second, we'll be back...

with Oscar Madison... but first a word...

Murray, Murray come in. Has he been on yet?

Not yet, hurry! Any minute now!

I'd have been here a lot sooner

but there was a big commotion in the street

and I had to drive around it.

We're back now,

and I'd like to bring out the man who brought Stacha

to the attention of the American public.

And, not only that,

he helped inspire her defection.

Uh, he's the very fine columnist from the New York Herald,

would you welcome please, Oscar Madison.

Stacha, you obviously...

Now, Mr. Madison, uh, your column

on Stacha was, uh, very controversial.

Were there any repercussions?

No... no... no.

I'm, I'm sorry... did you say something?

Yes, I said no.

Oh.

Uh...

I-I-I don't want you to be frightened, uh,

from that, Oscar.

The reason that that's there is 'cause you were talking

into your tie and we couldn't hear you.

You see that... Sorry, sorry.

It's, it's all right.

Let me ask you this...

Have you ever written an article,

and then decided against printing it?

Yes... yes.

Good... good.

Could you tell us about it?

Oh, yes.

Yes... no... sorry.

The Polish girl was more articulate.

You mean I missed the Polish girl?

There was the time that, uh...

that Bummy Davis was fighting, and I, ah...

oh, no, I printed that article, so I guess...

I guess that wouldn't apply to what...

Well, when I come in the house,

I throw my clothes on the floor a lot

and I eat in bed a lot, you see?

Did you understand that, Stacha?

Well... I-I'm afraid I didn't.

I-I, I'm sorry, Oscar... I don't get the connection.

Neither do I, but that's what he told me to say.

Oh, I... someone told you to say these things!

You mean to say you had help with these answers?

Well, uh... who, who, was it, Oscar?

Felix Unger.

I-I'm sorry, I-I can't hear you...

Felix Unger!

Hey, Felix! That's you!

Sh... shh... shh.

Yeah, I-I understand.

Now this really is quite a coincidence...

But, this afternoon, I was having my picture taken

by Mr. Madison's roommate, Felix Unger.

He's a photographer.

380 Madison Avenue, portraits a specialty!

And he secured Mr. Madison's services for the show tonight,

and Felix made all the arrangements.

Isn't that, uh, basically what happened?

Oh, that's exactly what happened.

Mr. Steinberg, you're,

you're so wonderful and articulate. Oh.

No, really, I-I mean, I... you're marvelous, Mr. Steinberg.

I'm afraid I didn't... Mr. Steinberg!

Now, he's fawning all over him.

I just can't watch it.

He's ruining everything I told him to do.

Oh, come on, Felix. Give him a chance!

Will you?

Felix is very... um...

he's very well organized, isn't he, Oscar?

You know, I-I-I noticed

that he takes his used flashbulbs,

and he puts them... he puts them, uh...

back into the carton.

And he has them so neatly stacked.

He's the same way at home.

It's like living with a chipmunk.

That was good!

It's nervous laughter.

They, they smell he's... panicky, it's...

He was the only American soldier

during World War II

to receive a medal from the German army.

From the German army.

Yeah, he was a prisoner of war,

and the Nazis voted his camp the most hygienic.

He's going great now!

Lies!

I never accepted that medal.

I threw it back in their faces!

He's, I guess, the biggest worrywart

in the world, you know... uh...

A chain of drugstores voted him

the hypochondriac of the year!

As a matter of fact, he...

well, he gets very nervous and he,

and he begins to honk a lot,

you see, when he's very low.

He found out he was allergic to aspirin,

he went around all day honking.

W-w-what is honking?

Oh, oh, uh, David, can I stand up?

It's all yours! Go ahead. Well, you see, he,

he gets very nervous, and, ah...

when things are upsetting him,

and so he goes around the house and he honks.

It sounds something like this...

Lies! Lies!

Hey, Fe... what is this?

Felix... what are you sitting in the dark for?

Hey, did you see the show?

And now, heeeeere comes Oscar!

Was I terrific or what?

You notice I wasn't nervous?

Did you notice I wasn't nervous at all, eh, bubby?

Did you notice that?

Did you also notice that I mentioned your name?

David told me to thank you.

Is he a great guy!

He seems aloof on television, he's not.

He wants to meet Nancy, we're going to double date.

And, you know what, he's so popular!

We came out, they asked him for the autograph,

they asked me for my autograph, too!

We got in the car, they were grabbing, it was the most thrilling,

the most exciting evening I've ever... Shut up!

What's the matter? You insensitive clod!

Don't you realize what you've done?

This is the worst night of my life!

I've been humiliated in front of the whole world!

I'm a laughingstock.

Everybody we know was watching that show!

I didn't tell anybody to watch.

I did!

I thought that you were going to do some simple,

harmless routine about your filthy habits!

Instead you tore me to pieces.

That was so cruel of you, Oscar!

The phone's been ringing off the hook.

There it goes again.

No! Don't answer it.

I can't stand another of my fans.

I'm going to have to get an unlisted number because of you.

An exterminator called up, wanted to give me a job.

They're going to name a detergent after me.

I'm sorry.

An old man out in Long Island

wants me to come out and bathe him.

You've humiliated me!

The whole world thinks I'm a neurotic madman

and I'm going to kill you for that!

What's that?

No, nothing fancy, just, uh,

"The guest host, uh, this week is David Steinberg."

That'll be fine.

Great.

Thank you. Thanks, Dick.

Felix, gonna take my picture?

Whenever you're available, Mr. Substitute.

Mr. Substitute.

Well, what is that?

I thought we were so friendly back... thank you...

I thought we were so friendly back in the studio.

Now, uh, you seem a little remote.

I'm moody.

It's interesting

how impressive this set looks at home.

The curtains look so rich.

Actually they're rather sleazy, aren't they?

Plastic plants, tacky chairs.

Hmph!

Wait a second, Felix.

You're not upset about the show last night.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Well, you have no reason to be.

You were the reason the show was so successful.

You were the hit of the show.

Hm. The neat freak.

No, the neat freak was funny.

People laughed at that.

They thought that was good.

Hmm.

Wait a second.

Why don't you come on my show tonight?

Wonderful.

I'll come out with a mop and pail and wash the audience.

Felix, that's funny!

The-the audience will laugh at that! That's great!

I don't think I have quite the style your audience expects.

Wrong. Exactly...

You have the exact style that the audience would love.

I know it. Felix, trust me.

Listen to this: Felix Unger tells his side of the story.

Mm. You...

♪ Who's that little chatterbox? ♪

♪ The one with pretty auburn locks ♪

♪ Who can it be? ♪

♪ It's Little Orphan Annie... ♪

You can be dammed charming

when you want to be, can't you?

You'll do it!

Hey, Harve, we've got the neat freak!

I guess he likes me.

Listen, I talked to David.

He called me and told me

you were gonna be on the show tonight.

David called you?

He called me a couple of times today.

Hmm. Dinner's nearly ready.

Aren't you gonna wash your hands?

Yeah, I'm gonna wash my hands.

He called me once to tell me about you

and then once just to rap.

Aren't you going to use the bathroom?

I don't have to.

You and David are getting nice and buddy-buddy, aren't you?

Bring that in.

Hey, it smells good.

What is it, Felix?

Creamed chipped beef on toast.

Aw, come on!

Don't you like it?

No, I hate it! All veterans hate it!

Gee, I'm sorry.

That was awfully thoughtless of me, wasn't it?

Are you still sore about last night?

No. Good.

Listen, what are you gonna talk about on the show tonight?

Mm-mm!

You do that, you're gonna bore a lot of people.

Don't worry about me.

I've been watching that show.

I think I know what's effective.

Well, don't try to put me down

with all that sloppy stuff.

They don't like that.

Stick with neat jokes.

Neat jokes... they like that.

Ah, Mr. Unger? Yes.

David sent me. Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Come in, come in. Thank you.

Ah, and there's Mr. Madison.

I'm Harvey Skolnik. Yeah.

Oh, gee, you're having dinner.

Look, I don't want to take up your time. It's all right.

You see, I don't have a lot of time.

That's all right. Time for what?

What is this, Felix?

David sent this young man over here.

He's just gonna ask you a few questions. Isn't that right?

That's right. You see, David wanted me

to get a little material.

Eats with his hands.

Should wear a bib.

Likes Army food.

Look at this, a man announcing my meal.

What?

Look at his shirt.

Ooh, how many days have you worn that shirt?

Come on! I put it on fresh this morning.

Ring around the chest.

Funny, funny, funny.

Oh-oh-oh-oh.

Voted one of the best-dressed men by Popular Mechanics.

Good! That's good!

What the, what's going on here?!

He's my writer. Your writer?

Yeah, David sent him over to help me.

Help you what? Get material.

Look. Look at his comb.

Eight missing teeth.

Maybe.

If you can use it.

Oh, give me the comb, will you?

You want to see his laundry? Come here.

Ooh, yeah. Hey, you know, we might get something

out of that comb, like, uh, looks like the New York skyline.

Good, good!

It's a wonderful comb, if you're Yul Brynner.

Funny. That's a biggie!

That's a biggie! Where's the laundry?

Just follow the trail all the way out the hall.

Look, Biggie, why are you doing this to me?

To destroy you.

Do what you want.

I'm telling you, I know audiences.

What's the matter?

I just saw his room.

Fungus on the bedposts!

That's funny. Wait.

Come on in the kitchen. I want to show you his food.

Oh, I already saw it in his bedroom.

There's a half a tuna sandwich and...

All right, Henny Youngman, that's it.

Let's go. Out, out.

What is this?! It's okay... believe me, I have enough!

Has all the charm of a dock strike!

All right... Good-bye. Get out.

Do you know that you were very rude to my staff?

Rude to your staff?

Wait till tonight, you'll see how rude

the audience is gonna be to your staff.

Hello.

Hi, old buddy.

Gee, I don't know, I'd have to think about it.

Hey, let me call you back, will you?

Right. So long.

Who was that?

Somebody who wanted some advice about garbage?

Yeah, write it down, Felix.

That happened to be David.

He wants me on the show tonight, too.

Go on the show.

What do I care?

I'll make a deal with you.

I won't go on the show tonight

if you don't do any sloppy jokes, okay?

You can go on alone, have the spotlight all to yourself,

and then I'll come on some other night.

I have an open invite.

I don't care if you come on or not.

I made you and I can break you.

How about a guy who goes through art galleries

taking lint out of the statues' stomachs?

You know, when Oscar started talking about Felix,

people thought it was just a figment of his imagination.

But that's not true.

Uh, not only is he not that, but he is here in New York,

alive and well, and with us right now on the show.

So please welcome Felix Unger.

Hello, Felix. Welcome to the show.

Felix.

Oscar.

Well, Felix, you...

Felix...

Felix, you want an opportunity...

wanted an opportunity to come on the show

'cause you wanted equal time, isn't that right?

Right.

All right, Felix, the cameras are yours,

the mike is yours,

and I hope the chair is yours.

Go!

Right.

Good evening.

I wish you could meet my roommate Oscar.

He looks like Yul Brynner.

Uh, his comb looks like Yul Brynner.

I wish you could see him eat.

Eight missing teeth.

Um, and talk about...

Uh, and talking about his shirts.

He has ring around the chest.

The honking's gonna start any minute.

He was voted the most popular mechanic.

Well, we're gonna, we're gonna have to break for a commercial,

but we'll be back with more of this, uh,

scintillating conversation in just a second.

Stay with us.

Felix, what's the matter with you?

You're shaking all over.

Oh, my... Oh.

Felix, you mixed it all up.

I bombed.

You want me to read it?

You want me to do it for you?

I'm leaving. Where are you going?

I'm going home. I'm gonna take a bath.

No! Oh, the commercial is over.

Come on. David's coming back.

Now, come on. Sit down, will you?

Come on.

Okay, we're back now with Oscar Madison and Felix Unger.

I can see that Felix is just straining at the leash,

ready to let forth with lethal bombshells

on the head of his roommate Oscar Madison.

All right, Felix, go ahead.

It's all yours.

Felix?

David, uh, you remember what, uh, the other day,

you asked me... it was yesterday, I think... whether I had ever

written an article and not printed it?

Oh, yes, uh, on the other show, you mean.

Yeah, well I happened to think

of a time when, uh, the drama critic got sick,

and he asked me to cover Gypsy.

See, it was a...

Oh, I-I know, I know it well.

I haven't seen it yet, but it's...

Well, it's been closed for about 11 years.

Oh, I... Well, it's a marvelous musical.

But I was very tired.

I had been in Cincinnati covering the ballgame.

That, Oscar, is the worst way to see anything.

I know, but that's why...

pretty auburn locks ♪

♪ Who can it be? ♪

♪ It's Little Orphan Annie ♪

♪ She and Sandy make a pair ♪

♪ They never seem to have a care ♪

♪ Cute little she ♪

♪ It's Little Orphan Annie ♪

♪ Bright eyes ♪

♪ Cheeks a rosy glow ♪

♪ There's a store of healthiness ♪

♪ Handy ♪

♪ Mite size ♪

♪ Always on the go ♪

♪ If you want to know, "Arf," says Sandy ♪

♪ Always wears a sunny smile ♪

♪ Now wouldn't it be worth your while ♪

♪ If you could be like Little Orphan Annie? ♪

Take that!

Say, here's one that'll bring back a few memories.

♪ How do you do, everybody? ♪

♪ How do you do? ♪

♪ How are you, everybody? ♪

♪ How are you? ♪

♪ There's nobody here ♪

♪ Hear the Golden Bear ♪

♪ How do you doodle-doodle- doodle-doodle-do? ♪

It's true.

Felix really uses disposable earmuffs.

Listen, until I moved in here, he thought mildew was a flavor.

We had a picnic in Central Park, the ants gave him

a standing ovation. ..standing ovation.

Biggies. Nothing but biggies.

Listen, I-I would love to spend all night

reminiscing with you guys, but really, I-I've got to go.

Oh, you've been wonderful, marvelous.

But... thank you for tonight.

I really enjoyed it.

Are you kidding? We had a ball.

We hate to see you leave. Okay.

Thank you.

♪ I love to spend ♪

♪ This hour with you ♪

♪ As friend to friend ♪

♪ I'm sorry it's through ♪

♪ I'm telling you ♪

♪ Just how I feel... ♪