Original subtitles

Here we go.

Oh, you were wonderful, Felix.

Thank you.

You're a great ball player.

Give me your glove.

Oh. How do you manage to slide into home base

without even smudging your uniform?

Practice. Practice.

I got my letter in college for that.

Oh.

Where did we lose Oscar?

He stopped at a hotdog stand.

Not another hotdog!

You know, the guy is such a glutton.

I'm worried about him, Nancy.

I watched him eating six hot dogs during the game,

and he only chewed two.

You know, he always stuffs himself.

I wish he could be more like you, Felix.

You're in perfect condition.

Thank you, Dr. Cunningham.

A sound mind in a healthy body.

Oscar...

Oscar, are you all right?

Yeah, I need the beer, honey, I need the beer.

Here. FELIX: Oscar,

please.

Ten seconds, and look at this mess.

Will you open it for me, honey?

Honey... you shouldn't be this tired.

I'm really worried about you.

I'm fine, honey... The heat's got me, that's all.

It's not the heat, it's the food.

Look at this... Mustard on his mitt.

Food's got nothing to do with it.

I'll be fine as soon as I get my second wind.

Your second wind's as bad as your first.

I'm really worried about him, Nancy.

Yeah. Will you cut it out?

I've been playing baseball every weekend for 16 years, honey.

One hour of exercise a week.

But that's all you do, darling.

You're at an age where you have to take care of your body.

Honey, I'm in great shape.

I can do anything he can do.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Well, it's not "ho, ho, ho," Santa Claus.

You just said a very amusing thing.

You think you're in better shape than I am?

My mother's in better shape than you are.

Oscar, I am a trained athlete.

I'm never out of condition.

And every summer, I go away to the health farm

for two weeks of really rigorous training.

Those are the best two weeks of my life.

Mine, too.

Nancy, would you be good enough

to toss a pillow right there, please?

What are you gonna do, pick up a pillow?

Can you do this?

What does that prove? Hey!

There's dust under the couch. Wow!

What-What does that prove?

Anybody with a flat head

could do that.

Do something, uh, gymnastic, you know.

Something gymnastic? Yeah.

Can you do this?

Oh, wow!

Now he's a kangaroo.

You only learned that because you were afraid of mice.

Come on, do something manly

like we used to do when we were in the army.

In the army? Yeah.

You want to clean the latrine?

No, you know what I mean.

Pushups. We used to do pushups.

How about pushups? One arm or two?

Two arms, show-off.

Will you count for me, Nancy?

Sure. Here we go.

Are you counting? One,

two, three, Yes.

Four, five, Notice the hands are close together, not far apart,

which is easy, but close together, six, seven,

the back is straight at all times. eight, nine, ten.

And talking all the time... Tell me when to quit.

All right, that's enough. And not out of breath.

Wow, Felix!

The floor is yours.

You want me to do it with my hat on or my hat off?

Make yourself comfortable.

You count for me, will you, honey? Sure.

Okay, you start counting, baby.

Get your back straight.

One... one, two. Fine, fine. Keep counting.

That's it, keep counting.

Three, three. Keep counting, keep counting, babe.

Three. Three? Three? Keep counting.

You can stop counting, honey.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

What are you doing?

Huh?

Crouching on the desk.

Want me to help you down?

No.

You know, you're double- jointed or something?

Come here, come here, come here.

I want to talk to you, Oscar, really, seriously,

about... about the happiness of our home.

First you're Jack LaLanne, now you're Dear Abby.

No. Listen, my friend, your well-being is my concern.

I want to have a heart-to-heart, man-to-man talk with you.

Okay, Dad.

I'm going to ignore that, Oscar,

'cause I know that you're upset.

You're upset about the rotten shape you're in.

I'm not in rotten shape.

I may not be in tip-top shape, but I'm definitely in tip.

Oh. Why did... What's the difference?

I'm happy.

What did you have for breakfast this morning?

Now, don't start that... candy and soda are energy foods.

You should start a sensible regimen of diet

and exercise, and you should begin by going to Burger's...

Burger's Fat Farm, I know.

I go there every year, and I'm not fat.

If you're not fat, it's a health farm.

If you're fat, it's a fat farm.

For you, it would be a blubber farm.

I like my blubber.

It keeps me warm, it keeps me company,

it keeps my pants up.

What do you want to do?

Do you want to vacuum, or do you want to talk?

How else will I get the ashes out of my pocket?

Do you realize

you haven't had a physical examination

in all the time I've know you?

You haven't known me that long.

I had one a short while ago.

When? When? Who was the doctor?

Not Melnitz. No, not Dr. Melnitz.

He's not the only doctor in the world, now, is he?

Well, then who was it?

I don't have to tell you.

Ah, you didn't have a physical examination.

Dr. Hashimura. Dr. Hashimura?

Yeah, Lieutenant Sessu Hashimura, Okinawa.

Okinawa!

The last time you had a physical examination was in the army?

Yeah, and Hashimura said I was in A-one shape.

Oh, Oscar, do yourself a favor.

Look at this.

Go down tomorrow, let Nancy examine you. Why?

Because a lot has happened since-since Okinawa.

You've been married, you've been divorced,

you've eaten two freight cars of cold cuts.

You've had your clothes cleaned...

once.

You should have a physical examination every war.

If you get off my back, I'll go down and see Nancy,

but she'll tell me the same thing that Hashimura did.

What did he say?

A little more tea, cut down on the rice.

Hello?

No, I'm-I'm sorry, the doctor isn't in right now.

Uh... may I help you?

No, I'm a photographer.

Bet I could have helped.

How was your examination?

Fine. How was yours?

I'm glad you dragged me down here.

I got to see Nancy, I got a couple of hugs... it was nice.

Forgetting about the sex, how was your examination?

Fine. I told you I'm fine. There's no...

Nancy, how is he? Eager.

His, uh, pulse and blood pressure are normal. Uh-huh.

The tests come back from the lab tomorrow,

and that's about all I can see for now,

except for a little fat around the tummy.

Honey, that's fun fat. Everybody has that.

I don't have it.

You don't have any fun, either.

My body isn't in question here.

Nancy, tell me the truth, how is he?

Well, as his doctor, I'd say he's in fair shape,

but honey, honey,

as your girlfriend, I have to admit,

if you were in better condition,

you'd look a lot sexier.

Uh-huh. Oh, thanks a lot.

And I don't need anything from you.

Is that a nice thing to say?

Hi, Doc. Hi there, Bob.

Hey, I'm all ready for my annual body checkup.

Go right on in, I'll be with you.

Well, I'm really looking forward to it.

Are you gonna examine him? Yep.

Just the way you examined me?

Uh-huh. I'm going in there with you.

No, you're not. No.

Bye, Felix.

Wait a minute. How am I... all right or not?

Oscar, don't worry.

You'll be around for a long time,

wheezing and puffing and eating.

Mm.

It's gonna be the most depressing day of my life.

My girlfriend, who doesn't think I'm sexy,

is in there examining Mr. America.

What would you say if I told you

I could give you a new body?

I'd ask for his.

No. I mean, rebuild the body you've got.

Oh, please,

don't start with the fat farm again, will you?

You want to know the truth?

Well, it embarrasses me to be around all those flabby people.

Why?

'Cause I'm one of them. Aha.

Also, nobody likes to see fat birds

of a feather flocking together.

Congratulations!

You have just taken the first step

on the road to good health:

admitting there is a problem is the first step.

Oscar,

fat is the mortal enemy of this amazing machine,

the human heart,

which begins beating before you're born

and continues unceasingly until you die.

Inside this miraculous organ are four chambers,

two auricles and two ventricles.

Now, what do you see?

Chocolate kisses.

This is the most tasteless thing I have ever seen.

I gave that candy dish to her.

Read the inscription.

"Eat your heart out."

Ah. Yes, look.

This is it?

Well, yes. It's nice, it's clean.

Looks like a motel for sissies.

Oh. And we're right next to the gym.

Oh, goody. I wake up in the middle of the night

dying for a dumbbell, I'll know where to go.

Come on, unpack... things are gonna be starting real soon,

and we don't want to miss anything.

Dr. Burger wants to welcome you personally,

so he sent me.

Oh, I...

You're going to have a very happy time here, I'm sure.

If you'll just empty your pockets now.

What?

They want to make sure

we haven't smuggled in any contraband.

Empty your pockets, come on.

Contraband? Yes, there's no food allowed in the rooms.

It's, uh, Burger's first commandment:

"Thou shalt not nibble."

Only, uh, celery and carrot sticks are allowed.

No food, just lint.

Here, here, what's this?

Oh, that's not food. Those are cigars, buddy.

Yes, but there's no smoking here.

These will be given back to you when you leave.

Yeah, but I'm leaving now.

No. Now, come on, come on, Oscar.

It's only for two weeks.

Come on, we're gonna have a ball.

Thank you.

We always win.

Now, your, uh, gym hours will be 10:00 a.m. and 3:00 p.m.

Jogging is optional.

Ah!

Dinner will be in, uh, exactly 18 minutes.

Don't be late.

Boy, they've relaxed the rules this year.

Jogging optional.

Oh, boy, are we gonna have a ball.

Got a match?

Aha. Hmm.

What is this?

Yogurt with crushed sesame seed.

Mmm. That's a fancy hors d'oeuvre.

This isn't an hors d'oeuvre. This is the main course.

That was dinner?!

I've spilled more food on my shirts.

This is concentrated energy food.

Eat a little bit at a time. That way you feel full.

I would need tweezers.

How do you like that?

They give you nothing to eat,

they serve you a finger bowl.

Take your fingers out of the soup!

Soup? It's lukewarm water.

With a few necessary minerals added.

Chicken fat is the only necessary mineral

needed for soup.

Oh, I don't care what anybody says,

I can't live on this. I got to have seconds.

I got to have firsts!

You won't have room for dessert.

I'll rent room.

What do you get for dessert? Do you get to suck on a balloon?

Dr. Burger is famous for his "anything you wish" desserts.

Dessert here is mindblowing.

Well, that's more like it.

A guppy couldn't live on this. Ah!

Ready to order dessert? Yes!

Baked Alaska with crème Chantilly.

Hey, Felix, that sounds better than mine.

I'll have that on top of a hot fudge nut sundae

with a lot of whipped cream. Oscar.

Crème Chantilly is whipped cream.

Yeah, but I'm hungry. I'll have the whipped cream

on top of the whipped cream.

One baked Alaska

with crème Chantilly. Mmm...

One baked Alaska with crème Chantilly

on a hot fudge sundae with whipped cream over all.

Would you like nuts on it?

No, thanks.

Mmm, mmm.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

This is Dr. Burger's idea.

To drive us crazy?

So much of eating is for the mind alone, not the body.

The mere act of going through the motions,

pretending, satisfies.

Satisfies the guy who washes the dishes.

What are you doing?

I'm eating my baked Alaska.

Mmm, mmm, mmm-mmm.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Mmm-mmm.

Oh.

It's a funny farm.

Aren't you going to eat yours?

We got to get out of here.

Mm, mm.

Try a forkful.

Go ahead, you'll see.

Here, you have mine.

Oh, no. No, I couldn't.

Mine is so rich and creamy, I don't think I'll be able

to finish it.

Don't you want your dessert?

Ooh. Thanks.

Mmm.

Look at this, Felix.

I'm beginning to believe this nonsense!

Don't talk with your mouth full.

Up! Up! Now let's try the belly roll.

Come on, come on. Let's get with it.

Let's go with the belly roll.

On your stomachs, men.

That's it. Arms clasped behind the back.

And on the count of one, begin rolling.

One and two and one and two...

You're a pleasure, Unger.

Oscar. Come on!

Come on, Oscar, let's go.

Come on, Oscar. Come on. Lets go. Let's go.

Oh, good morning, Dr. Burger.

Oh, a peach of a morning.

Nice to see you again.

Welcome back to our place.

Anything wrong? Well...

Madison here isn't used to getting up

so early in the morning.

Oh, he will feel that life here

is more, much more, than a bowl of cherries.

Cherries are fattening.

Oh, you always was a funny sense...

A crazy sense of humor.

Nearly time for lights out.

I smell hot pastrami.

Am I going cra... Do you smell hot pastrami?

Yeah, I do, sure.

Oh, you do smell it.

Yeah. When the wind's from the east.

What's the east wind got to do with it?

Max's Delicatessen is up that way.

Max's Delicatessen? Yeah.

Oh, do they deliver?

We're not even allowed to talk to them.

I was only kidding. You know something, Felix?

You said Max's Delicatessen,

it didn't mean that to me. I guess I'm over it; Ah.

All that health food and everything. You see?

The psychology's working on you.

That's the way it... Ah.

Light's out. Burger bedtime.

Not a second too soon.

I am so tired!

I tell you, it's all that exercise and everything.

Yeah. Well... Good night.

I'll never get used to sleeping

with the Lone Ranger.

Good night, Felix.

Max's Delicatessen.

I think you've got my salami. Shh!

You've got a roommate.

Shh. Yeah. I thought you live alone.

Enjoy, enjoy.

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

How could you?

How could I what?

You've smuggled in salami,

pickles... corned beef... potato chips...

beer and a can opener.

How can you smell a can opener?

Oh, Oscar, Oscar.

How did you do it?

Oh, you'd have been proud of me.

I got it at Max's Delicatessen.

I had to sneak past all the guards

they got on patrol here.

Get rid of that food at once! I'm going to.

I'll swallow it all in 20 minutes without chewing.

Get it out of here. Get rid of it. Come on.

Get this food out of here.

I'll give you a karate chop I learned from Hashimura.

All right.

You leave me no choice.

Hello? This is Mr. Unger

in room 112. Who are you calling?

I wish to report my roommate.

For gross... oh, gross, gross

violation of Burger's first commandment,

"Thou shalt not eat in thy room."

I don't believe it. That's right.

I'm sorry, Oscar. This is for your own good.

Now, pack all that food up, put it back in the bag.

You mean they're going to try and take that food away from me?

Every crumb. No.

Oscar, Oscar. No. No. No!

No, they're not! All right.

You deserve the mark of a squealer.

Get him! Get him!

You'll never take me thin! Never!

Oscar, this is your best friend talking.

Don't be a fat farm dropout, Oscar.

Oscar, the guards are out of the room.

I'm alone here now.

You can trust me.

Get him! Get him!

Get him!

You dirty squealer.

Oscar, I did it for your own good.

You really went bananas.

Very serious, very serious.

You are really in a pickle.

Why does he have to talk like that?

Doctor, I've known this man a long time.

He's not all bad.

And I've known this man a long time,

and he's all bad.

Yeah. You will be given punishment A.

Does that mean I'm kicked out? I can go home... Oh, no, no.

It doesn't mean that at all.

It means that you will not get to go

to the movies tomorrow night

You'll get no unbuttered popcorn,

and if you're caught with food in your room again,

you'll be expelled and have nothing left

but your own bad body.

Dismissed.

Boy, are you lucky I was along.

If not for me, you'd be on your way home now.

What are you doing?

You went to sleep with the lamp on.

What's that?

Popcorn.

Is it buttered?

No butter, only salt.

Ooh, I love salt. Mmm.

Is it good? Yes, it is. It's good.

Would you give me some?

Uh-uh, you're being punished. You can't have any.

But you wouldn't squeal on me again, would you?

Yes, I would.

Give me some, Felix, or I'll have to kill you.

You don't get any.

I'll have to throw it away...

Give it to me, Felix. No, no.

Give it to me, Felix. Give it to me!

Guard! Guard!

What are you packing for?

They didn't kick you out.

I told Burger if you left, I leave.

What did he say?

He said it was no skin off his apple.

I wouldn't blame you if you were mad at me, Oscar.

I don't know, I don't...

I don't know how I did such a thing.

Turning in my own best friend.

Why should I get mad at you?

You were doing it for my good.

I'm the fool.

No. I'm a fool

for thinking I can change you.

You know what, Felix?

I am going to try to change.

I'm going to try to eat the right foods.

I'm going try to do the exercises,

do everything that you think is right for me.

No. You've got to do things

your way, that's all.

Look, so you'll live 25 years.

I'll only last 20 years.

What's the difference as long as we'll be happy?

What is it, Felix, what's the matter?

I'll miss you.

Oh, no, no, no!

What are you doing?

Cleaning up.

You're cleaning up?

Cleaning up the icebox.

Oscar, you know this food is poison.

This food gives me strength. Strength?

On this kind of strength, you couldn't do three pushups.

Oh, don't bring up the pushups.

I never was really good at pushups.

What I'm really a champ at is, um... arm wrestling.

That's what I'm good at. Arm wrestling?

I'm great at that. Let's go.

Felix, don't, I'm telling you.

I'm warning you. You count.

All right. I warned you.

One, two, three.