Original subtitles

Uh, we have a kind of a treat for... for us this afternoon.

We're going to have an informal audition,

uh, to find the star for our first operatic production

Highlights From Rigoletto.

Wonderful.

So we have for our appraisal

a real plum from the tree of opera,

a man with a growing international reputation,

a man who has appeared with opera groups in Dayton,

in, uh, Poughkeepsie, in Flint...

And now New York.

Yes.

Signor Murphy.

Thank you, thank you.

Bringing opera to the world is my mission in life.

Ah. Let's hear it for his mission.

And I am glad to be among people of culture and refinement

and sensitivity.

Here, you can use our platform here as your balcony.

Y-Yes, we did that in Flint.

Maestro.

Hey, Felix...

For me?

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

What are you doing home?

I live here, remember?

This is my opera day, remember?

I forgot, Felix, I'm sorry.

I told you a thousand times. You never listen to a word...

This is Oscar Madison, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, folks, I'm awfully sorry.

Just keep doing what you're doing.

I'm just going to get a beer and a shower.

You'll never know I'm here.

I'm awfully sorry.

Love your flowers, thank you.

Doesn't he want to hear me sing?

Of course he does.

Please, please don't be offended.

Just, just excuse...

We'll have a little impromptu intermission.

I'll be, I'll be right back.

Just a minute.

Do you know that you are very rude?

Why? I thanked him for the flowers.

He's insulted.

He doesn't think you like his singing.

I don't; I hate opera.

Please, come on in and listen to him sing.

Why?

Because he's the best Rigoletto we can get for $300.

I don't want to offend him and I don't want to lose him.

Felix, I'll laugh.

He's a very funny guy.

I had to bite my tongue when he handed me the corsage.

You owe him an apology.

Now do this for me, please.

All right, Felix, but I'm going to laugh, I'm afraid...

Well, here we are, here we are, here we are,

and he's dying to hear you sing.

Oh, this is going to be a treat for you.

Sit right down there.

Maestro.

Is he laughing at me?

No, no, no...

I have a little tickle in my throat.

I'm sorry. My singing gives you a tickle?

No, no, no, he has a tic. Tic.

Tic. No, I meant to say tic.

Oh, come, we will begin again.

No, not again.

Start from the top, maestro.

Sit right down.

Please, please, please, please.

I'm sorry.

You'll apologize to that man

if you have any ounce of respect...

I didn't mean... Please.

Sir... See, um, about your sing...

Oh! Oh, no!

Please, Mr. Murphy, please.

Oh!

In one minute, you undid the work that we put in for months

and months and months and... I'm sorry, Felix.

I admit it was my fault.

I'll fix it up for you. How?

I'll get you another opera star.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Now I'm laughing.

I'm sure there are many great voices in your circle.

Who will you get me?

A baritone bookie?

No, a first baseman.

Oh, come on, come on.

No, we got a first baseman who's a great singer,

a marvelous singer.

Yeah, what's his name?

Dick Fredricks.

Dick Fredricks. Mm-hmm.

Some nerve to take the name of an opera singer.

What's his real name?

That's his real name... Richard Fredricks.

He is the opera star.

You play ball with Richard Fredricks

from the New York City Opera Company?

That's what I just told you.

Why didn't you ever tell me this before?

I tried to tell you once.

You told me not to talk with my mouth full.

Well, I wasn't interested before.

Now... can you get him?

I mean... would he be interested?

Is he available?

I mean, we're only a little amateur group.

We only pay $300.

You owe this to me, Oscar, you owe it to me,

and if you really... All right, Felix!

I can't tell you anything till I talk to him, right?

If you get me Richard Fredricks,

I'd be so indebted, I'd never be able...

How could I pay you back?

Move out?

Felix, you've been upset all morning.

I'm sorry, I can't help it!

I have personal, I have artistic problems.

Now, cooperate, girls, come on, come on.

Now a little bit... Felix Unger.

Yes.

I'd like you to meet my first baseman Richard Fredricks.

Oh, luck!

Oh, no, oh... oh, Richard Fredricks.

Oh, oh, Mr. Fredricks, I'm just... This is...

I-I'm just overwhelmed, I don't know what to say.

It's such a privilege.

The same for me, Felix,

and why don't you just call me Dick?

Oh. Dick.

Dick Fredricks, oh! Oh, wow.

Girls, this is Dick Fredricks, the famous singer!

A real recording artist?

Do you know Tom Jones?

I'm sorry, we've never met.

My name is Oscar.

I know a lot of TV personalities.

Yes, he knows a retired sailor

who can imitate Wayne Newton.

That's all for now, girls.

Well, d-did you tell him... Can he do it?

He has, and I can.

Oh, Mr. Fredricks.

I just... Oh, I just...

Oh...

Mr. Fredri... Richard... Dick.

Mr. Dick.

He's got a million dollar throat.

Oh!

I don't suppose you'd favor us

with one teeny selection, would you?

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Come on, we're going to be late for batting practice.

Relax, Oscar, relax, I wouldn't be in this business

if I didn't have a little bit of ham in me.

Oh, good, good. Now, Felix...

Listen to this. Do you know the, uh...

"De Provenza"?

That's, uh, that's a very nice voice.

Felix...

he meant on the piano.

Was I being gauche?

No, no, not at all.

Hurry up, will you, Dick?

Come on. Well, look, uh...

I-I'll just, uh, sing the second verse.

Is that okay? All right.

All right, fine.

Whenever you're ready, maestro.

Bravo! Bravo!

That's right, we got Richard Fredricks!

Can you imagine the fantastic luck?

Oh, well, he will not only be a magnificent Rigoletto,

but he will be such an inspiration

to all the rest of us, yeah.

Oscar Madison just came home.

Call all the other members of the group.

Tell them the good news.

We're going to make amateur opera history.

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, what a day!

How'd it go? Oh, well, we won the game.

Oh, good. Felix, I want you to sit down and relax...

How can I relax when I am going to work

with Richard Fredricks?

I'm so excited! That's what I want to talk to you about.

There was a little accident

and I think it was my fault. What?

The accident... What? What?

Come on in, will you, Dick?

I can't prepare him.

Oh, no.

You broke my Rigoletto.

What happened?

It was a pop-up between home and first...

A pop-up! I lost Rigoletto to a pop-up?

We both ran for it and we bumped into each other.

Yeah, it was my ball, I called for it.

Yeah, well, I didn't hear you.

You didn't hear him?!

You didn't hear this man say...

I've got it!

Felix, I didn't do it on purpose.

We got racked up.

Look at that, I... Well, look my pinky.

I bruised it. Oh, come, let mommy kiss it.

Why couldn't you have the broken leg,

let him have a bruised pinky? Cut it out, Felix!

Oh! I don't have a Rigoletto now!

All right, I'll get... What am I going to do?

I'll get you another one. You'll get me...

You lost me this one, Felix.

Fellas!

What's the matter?

I just wanted to tell you that it's not as bad as you think.

You mean... you can still do Rigoletto?

Well... not exactly. But, ah, I know what we can do.

You could sing it?

Well, that's what I can do. You see...

I can still sing the role while sitting on the side.

All we need now is somebody to act the part.

That's the answer!

Is Richard a genius, or am I crazy?

Both!

You know, I heard once...

a story, a famous story of a singer...

he sang an entire performance of an opera from the pit,

while on stage the baritone who'd lost his voice,

his friend, mouthed the words, moved his lips.

Yeah, that was me, Felix.

That was you? That was you! Mm-hmm.

Oh, isn't that ridiculous! I was telling a story. It was him!

Tell it! Tell what happened! You already did.

Right! Yeah!

Well then, this is perfect, you've done it before.

Yes. But who will act the role on the stage?

Is your friend still available?

Oh, that's a little pushy, Felix.

Why, I'm afraid he's not available, but, um...

another friend of mine is.

Who? Tell me.

Oscar.

Cut the clowning, will you, Dick?

Now, wait a minute, Oscar.

You owe me because you've never come

to a single one of my performances.

But with you there,

you'll have to listen to me sing.

How about it, Felix? What, how about it, Felix?

He's available. I could rehearse him, constantly.

You're bananas! You know you're both bananas!

Could he use your costume? Of course!

Now, no arguments, Oscar.

Now, if you have any idea about backing out,

just remember one thing, if you go, I go!

You're putting me on.

What do I know about opera?

The only opera I ever saw had the Marx Brothers in it!

Come on, I'm so clumsy. I'll bump into you.

You don't want an actor who's going to be

falling off the stage all the time.

No, say something, Felix! Sit down.

Now, Rigoletto... is a hunchback dwarf

who works as a court jester.

Wow, you wouldn't think a guy like that

would go into show business.

Richard, don't!

Don't encourage him! Don't! Now listen to me.

Now, an old man

has put a curse on Rigoletto... a father's curse...

Because Rigoletto mocked him when his daughter was seduced.

And Rigoletto has a daughter of his own, Gilda,

that nobody knows about...

We are equal.

Me with my tongue.

What's the matter? I can't hold a note that long!

All you have to do is let your mouth hang open.

I've seen you do it eating pizza.

All right. Come on, let's continue now.

Is everyone okay? "L'uomo," okay? "L'uomo."

With laughter...

With laughter. Yes, yes. Ha, ha, ha.

Spagna. Spagna... knife.

No, no, no. Spegne. No, spagne, I think.

I'm sorry, it's spegne. See, Spagne is, is Spain. Yes, yes.

But, but this is, ah, knife.

Ah, spegne, knife. Yes, thank you. I learned something.

Yes, very good. Thank you very much.

Yes.

What are you doing? I'm smoking a cigar.

Rigoletto doesn't smoke a cigar.

What do dwarfs do for kicks?

Quel vecchio maledivami. All right?

No. It's terror, you see, it's...

Quel vecchio maledivami...

Why did the old man curse me?

Hey, why did the old man curse him?

I've told you 85 times, because you mocked him

when his daughter was disgraced. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's right. All right, you told me.

We want to see that superstitious terror of the curse.

The father's curse is on you, yes. Once again. And...

Terror! Terror!

♪ I'd walk a million miles ♪

♪ For one of your smiles. ♪

Oscar... you asleep?

Oscar... you asleep?

Yes.

Good. Don't wake up, don't wake up!

Thank you.

I've got all the arias taped here.

That's the best way to learn anything,

to listen to a tape recorder during your sleep.

I'm going to leave it right here.

Don't make a mess. Okay.

This won't bother you, it's subliminal.

This is sleep teaching.

It's been proved scientifically with rats.

It will come on in a minute.

Good night, Rigoletto.

♪ Buona notte. ♪

Okay, everybody. Places, places everybody.

Come on, Gilda. Get in the sack.

Ha! Touch of humor.

That's it.

Help her, Sparafucile.

Come on, Oscar, I said places!

There's something wrong with this costume!

What? What?

It's very hard to stand up straight in it!

That's how it's supposed to fit, Oscar.

Listen, if I'm ever recalled to military duty,

I want to wear this to the induction center.

I can hardly walk in it!

This is perfection for your part.

Now come on, come on. Places, come on, come on.

I'm never going to forgive you for this.

And I'm never going to forgive you for that.

Oscar, I said, places!

Coming, master. Do not worry.

I will see you in the laboratory.

Stop the kidding, Oscar. I'll lose my mind.

Please, I beg of you! What highlight is this?

This is the scene where you carry Gilda in your arms.

Come on, come on, let's... Oh, yeah.

Wow. What are you doing?

Well, I'm testing her weight.

Don't forget this is the first time I'm actually...

Get in your place! Please, please, now!

Are you ready, Sparafucile?

I'm a hunchback, I'm not a weightlifter.

Are you ready, Richard? All set, maestro.

Ready... ah, maestro! Ready, Mario?

All right, now...

What? Hunch!

Three bars after... ♪ Buona notte ♪

Give him the body, give him the body.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're not thinking of the words you're saying.

"Eglie la... morto!"

Here he is, dead!

You see, you think you've got the duke,

your worst enemy, in your arms.

You don't know it's your own daughter!

I wish I had a skinnier daughter!

Three bars after... ♪ Buona notte ♪ Yes.

Face out.

♪ Ma che importa ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Ah, ah, ah, ah.

What were you saying? Ma che importa? Yes.

Ma che importa, two words, right? Ah, yes.

But you see, it's-it's divided there, you see?

The "che" and "ee" are on the sixteenth note.

Don't you want to slide them both together...

What? Remember me with the fat daughter?

Maestro, three bars after... ♪ Buona notte ♪

He knows already.

♪ Ma che importa ♪ Very good.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are you doing?

What word are you mouthing?

Hernia.

Now, look, Felix, Felix...

Why don't you just let him kneel beside her,

instead of picking her up? We do it that way all the time.

I'm sure you do! I'm the director here.

I want Gilda to be cradled in Rigoletto's arms.

Well, you better get me a forklift!

I'm not lifting her without any assistance!

Now, Felix, be reasonable.

Now, ah, we've all been working pretty hard, and nobody's complained.

I didn't even mind all that correction business here,

but now you're being just a little bit pig-headed.

Oh, pig-headed! OSCAR: Yeah, let me kneel.

I am the director here, not Mr. Fredricks! I say you lift!

Uh-huh. Well, I'm the voice of Rigoletto,

and I say I'm leaving.

Look, I, ah...

I just came here to do Oscar a favor.

There's nothing that says that I have to put up

with a dingbat director!

Dingbat? Dingbat!

Is that the way you talk to your directors

in the New York City Opera Company?!

This is not the New York City Opera Company, Felix!

My apologies to the company, but I... I've had it.

Dingbat?

Come on, Felix. Go after him, apologize... something.

The director is the boss.

Otherwise you have nothing but anarchy.

All right, opening night you won't have anarchy,

but you'll be all alone in the theater.

Come on, admit it.

You did let your ego get in the way of your good sense.

You don't contradict the director

in the presence of the entire company.

What entire company? Four people and a fat sack!

Sorry, Rhoda.

If he'd taken me aside,

talked it over confidentially, we could have...

Yeah, but how could he do that?

He's got a broken leg, he's doing it for no money,

and then you leaned on him.

You're right.

I'll apologize to him.

I'll kiss his foot... I'll kiss his throat.

Mr. Fredricks... Ah, don't say anything.

I apologize. You! Oh, no, no. I'm...

No, no! I'm sorry.

You're right. You are the director, and my...

my conduct was unprofessional.

Now, that I have that off my chest, why don't we get busy?

Maestro, whenever you're ready.

You see?

There's a star!

There's a lesson to us all!

The bigger they are... the bigger they are.

Now! Places! Now!

I have an idea for you.

Sparafucile...

will lay the body down on the ground.

Rigoletto will kneel there and cradle just as I told...

I'll kiss your toes, I'll kiss your nose. Hunch!

Yes. Three bars after... ♪ Buona notte. ♪

Felix... Very good.

Felix!

Would you sing just one more aria for us? Yeah, sure.

Ah... Wait a minute!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! No more arias, now!

I want you to sing something in English.

Sing one of my favorites, all right? All right.

He doesn't know "Pistol Packin' Momma."

That's not one of his favorites.

That's right, I happen to have a little class.

"If Ever I Would Leave You." Ah...

Key of C, if you would, maestro.

Take the beer off the piano.

♪ If ever I would leave you ♪

♪ It couldn't be in summer ♪

♪ Seeing you in summer I never would go ♪

♪ Your hair streaked with sunlight ♪

♪ Your lips red as flames ♪

♪ Your face with a luster ♪

♪ That puts gold to shame ♪

♪ If ever I would leave you ♪

♪ How could it be in springtime? ♪

♪ Knowing how in springtime ♪

♪ Bewitched by you so ♪

♪ No, no, not in springtime ♪

♪ Summer, winter or fall ♪

♪ No, never could I leave you...

♪ At all... ♪