Original subtitles

How do you like that?

15 years on the force,

and I got this to show for it.

A stupid gold watch.

Will you sit down, and let's play cards?

If you don't like it, you can bet it in the pot.

Oh, no, that's not nice.

After all, it was a gift.

It looks like a nice watch.

Even got engraving on it.

"To Pinky from Edna?"

Well, they got it in a raid.

Surprise!

Surprise! We have fondue this week

with long forks and French bread.

Just remember what fork you take.

Yeah, I got the white one.

Will you forget the fondue and the forks

and the gold watch and let's play a little poker?

Will you be a little bit patient? Well, I'd like to play.

Hey, you know something?

If I was on the vice squad,

I'd have gotten a Hawaiian vacation.

Oh, Murray, you don't want to be on the vice squad.

You're too nice. Well, so what?

I got a buddy of mine that's been on the vice squad

for only three years.

Fondue? It's delicious.

And already he's got a house in Miami and a new Ferrari.

Will you sit down, Felix, and ante up for poker? Start.

Come on, let's go.

You know, I got the worst record on the force.

There are citizens who have made more arrests than I have.

That's sad. SPEED: You're in.

Ace bets. Ace bets a red.

Can I get some more fondue?

Well, you can't win 'em all unless you win the first one.

Right, gentlemen?

My career is just going downhill.

What's the matter with me?

Nothing's the matter with you.

You're never gonna be a great cop any more

than I'm gonna be Ring Lardner.

You just don't have the drive, that's all.

You mean, no guts, huh, Oscar? It's not that.

You're not mean enough.

Oscar, lay off.

I'm just telling him the truth.

Some people don't like to hear the truth.

Look, wait a minute.

How many cards does everybody have?

One, Murray.

If you give us one more, we'll have two.

If you give us

two more, we'll have three.

You understand how it works now, sweetheart?

What do you want... Speed or accuracy?

Murray, you're doing fine. Thanks, Felix.

Deal. In other words, what you're saying, Oscar,

is that I'm gonna be a failure for the rest of my life.

Is that right?

Failure's not such a terrible thing.

You handle it very well.

I don't want to happen to be a failure.

I want to realize my full potential.

Well, maybe you've already realized your full potential.

Oscar, sometimes people can change, you know.

Not Murray.

Come on, I got nine cards, Murray.

To be a successful cop, you got to be tough.

You got to be able to arrest your own brother,

your own mother.

I mean, you see something wrong, you arrest, arrest, that's it.

Listen, Oscar, I could be a tough cop if I wanted to be.

No way. You see something wrong, you turn the other way,

especially if you knew the guy.

Oh, you think so, huh? I know so.

- You're too sweet, that's all. - Well, I can change, Oscar.

No way, you can't. I can too change.

I'm telling you, no chance.

Now will you listen to what I'm telling you?

All right, fellows, this is a raid!

On November 13,

Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

Okay, no shouting, no fighting,

no spitting and no rough language.

There's a girl's boarding school right next door.

But we're innocent!

The whole thing is a frame-up.

Knock it off. They got a right

to lie the same as you.

You know who should be in here?

Murray the fink should be in here.

Will you take it easy?

You're making a spectacle of yourself.

A spectacle? In front of who, these guys?

Oscar.

Good evening.

I'm Felix Unger, freelance photographer.

Hi. Freddie Noonan, freelance pickpocket.

Oh.

Good evening.

Good evening, sir.

Felix Unger.

Oh, it's nice to make your acquaintance, Sergeant.

Look at this.

He's organizing a friendship club.

I don't know what's happening.

I'm in jail, and my pal put me here.

It's your own fault. You egged him on.

Who egged him on? He was... You egged him on! You were...

Shh!

The girls next door are trying to sleep.

It's funny to you?

Yes. What's the big deal?

We'll be out in a few minutes.

We pay a little bit of a fine, we're on our way.

But we're doing a great thing for Murray.

The poor guy.

He's so eager to make an arrest.

What do you say, Speed, Vinnie,

we'll go along for friendship's sake?

Yeah, why not? Yeah, why not?

I don't understand you guys.

Go along, as if you have a choice.

We're in jail, fellas. We're behind bars.

Come on, Oscar. I agree with Felix.

He's absolutely right. What's... Oh, come on, Speed.

I know he's dying to make an arrest,

but look, fellows,

who is he taking advantage of?

Us, his best friends.

Well, who else would let him arrest them,

uh, except his best friends?

That's right. If he arrested real criminals,

he could get hurt.

Good. Aw.

He didn't even ask us if we wanted to go to jail.

Well, if he'd asked, would you have accepted?

No. Well?

See. Aw, it's all screwy.

There are four guys in jail

trying to figure out how to do a nice thing

for the guy who put us there.

Doesn't that seem a little incongruous?

I think the whole thing is incongruous.

Look who I got on my side.

Hey, I know you.

I know you.

I seen you in the papers

in the sports edition.

Come on, who are you, huh?

Willie Mays.

Of course!

So is it agreed?

Yeah.

We plead guilty for Murray's sake.

Yeah, sure. Come on.

Oscar? No, I'm stilled burned up.

Oh, come on. Come on.

One for all, all for one.

Right. Come on.

All right, just because we've always done one for all...

Okay, two of you guys can go.

Take me. Me, me, me, I want to go.

Please, please, me. Hold it!

Vincent Barella and Homer Degan.

That-that's me!

Your name is Homer?

What do you think... when I was born, my mother named me Speed?

Anyway, you guys can make bail and go.

Oh, thank you... Congratulations, Homer.

Okay. You're...

Madison. Madison.

And Unger. I'm Unger, yes.

You stay.

Why? Why?

You were running the game. Who told you that?

The arresting officer, Murray Greshler.

How about that... the arresting officer, Murray Greshler!

Did you hear what he did? We'll be out in a little while.

Didn't you hear what he said?

We're now in for running a game. We could get 30 days.

Oh, no. A couple of hours, that's all. You'll see.

What are you talking about? We've already been...

And look at this. Somebody stole my watch.

I was holding it for you.

Lot of thieves in here.

Hey, look at this.

"Remember three little words, and you'll always have money.

Stick 'em up!"

"Burt Lancaster was too short.

Signed, Birdman of Alcatraz."

"He took my case, he took my cash,

now I'm in jail with a nervous rash."

"So do not hire Attorney J. Martin Ekworth."

"Don't waste your one call.

"Call Judy Kellin, Butterfield-9...

She delivers!"

How can you be so cheerful?

I don't know, gallows humor.

I thought you'd be out of your head...

In a cell, dirty, smelly...

I don't mind the dirt.

I'm buoyed up by the knowledge

that I'm doing something for my fellow man, Murray.

Baloney.

And this is a new experience.

It should be very, very valuable to you as a writer.

Everybody should have to spend one night in jail.

Then we'd know how the other half lives.

Just think of it, Oscar.

We're part of this for the first times in our lives.

Gee, just imagine, upstairs I'll bet

there are lifers in solitary.

And on death row, a man sits in his cell...

and waits for the final moment.

Governor's reprieve.

♪ Going home ♪

♪ Going home ♪

♪ I am going home. ♪

♪ Going home, going home... ♪

I want out of here!

♪ Your time is my time ♪

♪ My time is your time ♪

Oh, stop with the gallows humor!

I'm starved.

I am, too.

I should have brought the fondue.

Hey, guard!

What are you doing? Guard!

I'm hungry. I want some food.

You won't get it.

We had dinner at 6:00.

There won't be food till 5:30 tomorrow morning.

Then we get the tomato surprise.

Tomato surprise?

Yeah. Oatmeal with nuts in it.

Where's the tomato?

There ain't no tomato.

That's the surprise. That's the surprise.

Yeah, uh, we're kind of hungry.

We'd like some food.

What would you like?

Well, I'd like a steak sandwich.

That sounds good. French fries for me.

Two steak sandwiches, French fries... Freddie?

No, nothing for me.

Bring me four martinis.

I'm expecting guests.

Just the two steak sandwiches.

One with french fries.

I'll tell you, the kitchen is closed

right at the moment. You see, the, uh...

chef doesn't get out of solitary until 5:15.

Amateurs.

Hey, Oscar... Oscar...

What's so funny now?

Listen, if we should have to stay here overnight,

what do you want... the upper or the lower? The upper.

So I can step on your face when I wake up in the morning.

You're just tired.

Come here, come here.

What do you want?

You know when I made my one phone call before?

You know whom I called? Your mother.

No. I called Murray's wife.

Oh, I wish you could have heard her.

She nearly cried.

She was so proud of him for making an arrest, yeah.

I got all choked up myself.

Isn't that terrific?

Murray! Hi, boys.

It's okay. You can let me in here alone.

I know these guys.

Murray, you're in civvies!

They made you a plainclothesman!

No, not yet, Felix.

But tonight's my big night.

I'm taking the little woman out.

Now?

Oh, the night's still young and I'm going to celebrate.

Celebrate?!

Yeah. Listen,

where's a really nice place to go?

In other words, if you were free,

where would you go?

For your throat.

Watch it.

You're speaking to a police officer, Madison.

Felix, it was awfully nice of you to call my wife.

Aw... She just appreciated it...

When are you going to get us out of here?!

Well, I really don't know that.

You got a serious charge facing you...

Running a game.

You're in a lot of trouble, Oscar.

Hey, Murray, you think I'm going to let you get away with this?

Are you crazy?

My captain really likes me.

Ahh... He patted me on the back.

He said, "Murray, I like what you're doing.

What you're doing is good."

You know they've been looking for you guys for a long time?

Felix, come here.

Please, come here. Come here, quick!

What? Hold me back!

They knew there was gambling in the area,

but they couldn't put their finger on it.

Until I broke the case.

I'll kill you...

All right, break it up.

What's your name, con?

Oscar Madison.

I'm surprised at you, Oscar.

Madison, we were going to let you and Unger out,

but assaulting an officer, now that's big stuff.

Unger, you can go.

Don't worry, don't worry.

I can do much more for you on the outside.

Call my lawyer. Call my lawyer.

Who is your lawyer?

Anybody but J. Martin Ekworth.

Don't worry about a thing.

I'm on the ball. I'll get you out of here.

I know you will, Felix.

I know, you're my friend, Felix.

You'll get me out and when you do,

I'll take care of that Murray.

I'll take care of him!

What is it, buddy, what?

You know all the places.

I'm taking Murray and his wife to dinner.

Where should we go?

You got five minutes.

Morning, Oscar.

Morning.

Rub the sandman out of your eyes.

You brought me something to eat?

Yeah, from the restaurant last night.

A doggie bag?

Bon appétit.

Oh, it's such a beautiful morning.

The sun's shining, the birds are singing.

Did you sleep well?

No, I just fell asleep.

All morning the girls next door were singing "Born Free."

I gotta get out of here, Felix.

Take it easy.

We all have to appear in Night Court tonight.

You mean I got to spend the rest

of the day here? I'm afraid so.

Uh, excuse me, gentlemen.

My name is... J. B. Darlington and I, uh,

I've got to call my factory.

Uh, do you have a dime?

You see we're involved in a top secret project

and my presence there is absolutely necessary.

Who is this?

You remember last night.

It was a terrible mistake.

They're arresting everybody.

Would you believe it... they had Willie Mays in here last night?

And he has a beautiful singing voice.

I can't help you.

Aren't you his attorney?

Oh, no. No, he's a freelance friend.

Oh, sorry.

Ciao.

Oh, Felix, I made up my mind.

I'm not going to let him get away with it.

I'm not going to let Murray get away with this.

The fine will be peanuts.

I'll pay it for you,

if it'll make you feel any better.

It's not the money, Felix.

It's the principle.

Did you see that monster when he came in here?

"Oh, the Captain patted me on the back."

He said to me, "You're doing good work.

Keep up the good work!"

I'd break his nose, but I've only got two hands.

We can help his career with these four convictions.

Why don't we give his career a big boost

and let him hang me.

No, sir, Felix.

I'm going to get him and I know exactly how. What?

I'll show you.

Officer! Officer!

I'm allowed one phone call, I want to make it now.

You want to call Judy Kellin...

She's got a new number.

Don't let it happen again, Miss Kellin.

Case dismissed.

Frederick Noonan, step forward, please.

Oh, hi, Freddie.

What is it this time?

He's accused of petty theft, Your Honor. Petty?!

That was a 12-jewel Swiss watch.

30 days or a hundred dollars.

Can't we discuss a bribe?

Take him away.

J.B. Darlington.

Just a minute.

Let me read this arrest report.

So?

So?

Gonna pay the ten dollars?

Quiet, stoolie, if I fry, he's gonna

fry with me... I got the evidence right here to prove it.

What have you got? Never mind.

Oh, Officer Murray, did you lock up any orphans today?

I'm sorry, Oscar, but you got out of hand.

I'm no toy cop anymore.

We made a Frankenstein!

Let him enjoy his moment.

I'll suspend sentence.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Oscar Madison, et al.

Gambling, Your Honor.

How do you plead? Guilty.

Guilty. Guilty.

Not guilty with extenuating circumstances.

There's no such thing.

You can only be guilty with extenuating circumstances.

Yeah, but I'm gonna set a precedent.

Are you an attorney?

No, no, I'm a sportswriter, Your Honor.

Oh, boy.

May I say something, Your Honor?

Don't "Your Honor" me.

Your Honors work from 10:00 to 4:00 in the afternoon

with two hours for lunch.

I'm just a night court magistrate.

Okay, Your Magistrate. This is a bum rap.

We were framed by that cop over there.

He was playing in the same game, and I can prove it.

Here. Exhibit A.

The cigar he was smoking last night in the game.

Here.

A fondue fork with his fingerprints on it.

And here is a picture of him

scooping in the biggest pot of 1967, huh?

These are very serious charges,

Mr. Madison.

If, as you say, the officer was gambling while on duty

and is trying to present a fraudulent case here,

this could lead to charges

being brought against him.

Excuse me, Your Honor.

What do you want?

I'm Felix Unger.

I-I'd like to represent the arresting officer.

Are you an attorney?

I'm a freelance photographer.

Oh, boy.

I'd like to cross-examine this witness.

He's not a witness, he's the accused.

And Officer Greshler is not on trial here tonight.

Yeah, go sit down, will you, Felix?

Officer Greshler's reputation is at stake.

I request permission to question this man.

Well, this is highly irregular, but if it'll help, okay.

Take the stand.

What are you trying to do? Take the stand.

Will you sit down, please?

Officer Greshler.

Your Honor.

State your name, please.

Willie Mays.

We have a hostile witness, Your Honor.

Answer the question.

Oscar Madison.

Now, Mr. Madison,

where were you on the evening of October 18 of this year

at approximately 7:30 p.m.?

- October 18... - Sit up straight!

Last night. Don't stall. You know what I'm talking about.

I was with you, and them and him. Aha!

Aha?

And what were you doing?

Gambling. Aha!

Again aha.

That's already been established, Mr. Unger.

That's what he was arrested for.

Yes, I know that, Your Honor.

I'm merely trying to defile his character a little.

I will now refute the evidence,

if it pleases the court.

It doesn't, but go ahead.

Thank you, Your Honor.

I will proceed to exhibit A,

the so-called cigar butt!

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

This is not Officer Greshler's cigar butt.

It is the property of the witness!

You're crazy... it's his.

It has hot mustard on it.

So what?

"Sew" buttons!

So buttons?

Your Honor, we were all eating fondue last night,

all except this man, who had knockwurst with hot mustard on it.

Smell this. I'd rather not.

Throw it... throw it in the wastebasket.

This is exhibit A. I know, I know.

I'll take your word for it... just throw it away.

All right, Your Honor.

I will now proceed to exhibit B,

the famed fondue fork!

The court will note it has a red tip.

Duly noted.

My tip was purple.

Speed's tip was...

Yellow. Yellow!

Vinnie's tip was

Light blue. Light blue.

And Officer Greshler's tip

was white. White.

The red-tipped fork

was not used during the game.

This is a fraudulent fondue fork.

What about the photograph

showing him playing along with us?

Aha!

I'd like to "aha" you... I took that picture myself.

So what does that prove?

I suspect that Officer Greshler

is an undercover agent for the vice squad.

I am?

For nine years?!

Nine years? Nine years? Nine years?

Yes! He's a patient man.

Oh, this is a Kangaroo Court, and you're a kangaroo!

Can't we recess for lunch?

At midnight?

Don't fall for his cheap tricks, Your Majesty...

Your Honor.

I will now proceed

with the pertinent facts in the case.

Do you recall, Mr. Madison,

a trip to California, oh, a few years ago?

That's a pertinent fact?

Will the court instruct the witness to answer the question?

Answer the question. He didn't ask any question.

Does the name Disneyland ring a bell?

Disneyland. Sure, I went to Disneyland,

with millions of other people. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

What are you getting at? This!

Do you or do you not have beside your bed

a stolen Mickey Mouse ashtray?

No!

Remember, you're under oath.

It's a Pluto ashtray!

Aha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ah...

I don't follow your line of questioning, Counselor.

Counsel is merely seeking to establish

the true character of the witness

and to discredit his reliability.

I have refuted all the evidence.

All that remains of this case

is his word against Officer Greshler's.

And whom are we to believe?

This kind, wise bastion of our society...

or this hooligan?

Gambler.

Pilferer.

Divorcé.

J'accuse...

le dit Madison!

Outstanding, Felix!

Hey, hold it, wait, wait a minute, Your Honor, wait a minute.

Felix, I appreciate what you tried to do for me but...

but Oscar's right.

Your Honor... I'm the guilty one.

I turned in my own friends.

I'm not a kind, wise bastion of society.

I'm just a cop who got too big for his uniform.

I don't belong on the force. Oh, Murray...

I'm turning in my badge.

No, Murray. No, no.

I didn't know he was crazy enough to quit.

Do you realize what you've just done, Officer?

There could be

severe penalties for such actions.

Murray, Murray, don't...

Order in the court! Order in the court!

Sit down, Madison!

You're not supposed to say that.

I'm the only one allowed to say that.

I'm sorry, Your Honor, I just want to say that...

well, I guess I did act a little hasty.

See, I got all steamed up when he ratted on us,

but I want to withdraw everything I said.

Order! Order! It's not as if he came as a minion of the law.

He was there out of human weakness,

frailty, just the compulsion to toss nickels and dimes

into the pot, that's all. Nickels and dimes?!

Do you mean to say you've been stalling justice in this court

at midnight for a lousy nickel-and-dime poker game?

Well, you see, Your Honor, things got out of hand...

Case dismissed!

Take your badge and your screwball friends

and get out of my courtroom!

Thank you, Your Honor.

Thank you, Your Honor!

Oh, Oscar... I'm so proud of you, really!

The way you reversed yourself,

I know that means you had to swallow your pride.

I'm proud of you.

You're not mad at me, are you?

I did what I felt I had to do

in the best interests of my client.

Thanks.

I'm gonna to fondue your face!

Will you look at this!

You've been home five minutes,

already the place looks like...

like an explosion in a delicatessen.

Take your feet off there!

You got ashes all over everything.

You've got a nice, clean beautiful home.

Don't you appreciate it?

Didn't you learn anything in that vile prison?

Just one thing.

What?

Here's your watch.