Original subtitles

Oh, Oscar, I'm glad you're home.

Just leaving you a note.

I've got to go out on a job. I need a favor.

Can it wait, Felix? I need a beer and a shower.

Or a shower and a beer,

or better still, a beer in the shower.

Look how he throws his nice jacket on the floor.

Why must you carry food in your pockets?

Ants are starting to follow you home.

What's the favor, Felix?

All I want you to do is answer a phone call for me.

From who?

Angel Haven.

Angel... Hey, is that the big blonde with the mole?

No, no.

It's the cemetery where I'm getting my plot.

See, I showed you the brochure.

Cemetery? Are you keeping something from me, Felix?

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm, I'm 100 percent.

It's just that, I've been going around weekends

looking for a plot.

Just preparing for when my time comes.

I told you about this.

Oh, that's where you've been going, yeah.

I thought you were out vacuuming Staten Island.

I don't believe people should wait until the last minute.

That's where we differ, buddy.

I never heard of a corpse complaining about bad timing.

Aren't you forgetting something?

What?

I was good enough to pick this up for you.

Thank you, Felix.

What do you say?

Will you answer the phone for me?

Hello.

Yes, speaking!

Oh, wonderful, wonderful!

I'll be down first thing tomorrow.

Oh, today?

Well, yes, I know there's

a shortage of eternal housing, but...

Well, this plot is just perfect for me. I...

Would you hold on a minute, please?

Oscar. Oscar!

What?!

The cemetery's on the phone.

Tell them I'm not ready yet.

Oscar.

What?!

They say they've got to have a cash deposit

by 4:00 this afternoon.

Somebody else wants my plot.

I've got to go down on a job.

Will you take it over there for me?

Yeah, sure.

Oscar.

My beer's getting soap in it, will you?!

Make sure it's plot 204 by the babbling brook.

Babbling brook.

Don't panic.

I'll leave the money by the phone.

Hello. Yes.

My friend Mr. Madison will bring the deposit over today.

Yeah, right away.

Will $100 be enough?

Fine. Good, thank you.

Oh, and remember, plot 204 by the babbling brook.

Yeah, thank you.

Bye-bye.

Felix!

Get the phone, will you?!

Felix!

Where are you?!

Felix!

Hello.

Oh, hi, Eddie.

Listen, I can't talk, I'm in the shower.

What?

Today?

What race?

Sure, I'm interested.

Who gave you the tip?

The horse?

Oh, the horse's trainer.

Wouldn't you know it... A sure thing.

I couldn't bet if I had to.

No.

Why? Because I'm dead broke, that's why.

All I got is... $100.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right.

But he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend

Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Nah, nah, I can't do it.

No.

Sure, I liked the tip, but how am I gonna

bet a man's burial money on a horse race?

I know he's not gonna die today.

No, I can't... No, I can't...

I just, I can't. Will you forget it?

I can't... Well, don't hang up!

Talk me into it!

What'd you say the odds were?

Ten to one?

Listen, what are the odds of my getting some credit?

1,000 to one.

Well, listen, you know,

it wouldn't be like stealing, right?

I mean, I'm only borrowing it, right?

Sure, that's reasonable, right?

I'm gonna return it on Monday, right?

Don't leave till I get the money to you!

Look at this!

I forgot the money!

I thought you were going to take me to lunch.

This is lunch, honey.

I got dressed up for a submarine sandwich?

I'm sorry, honey, but I got to watch this race.

Holy mackerel.

Say, help yourself to macaroni salad,

will you?

Oscar, you know, as a woman,

I'd say this isn't much of a date.

And as your doctor, I'd say it's a disaster.

Don't worry, honey.

If I win, I'll buy you some pig's knuckles.

What do I mean if I win?

I got to win. I got $100 on this horse.

Come on.

And at the five turn...

Five turn?

In the lead, it's Matchmaker and Uncle Waldo.

That's my horse... Matchmaker!

It's Matchmaker and Uncle Waldo.

Matchmaker pulling away.

Come on, honey, root for me.

I'll take you to the Bahamas.

Bahamas?! Yeah.

Ooh! Come on, Matchmaker!

It's Matchmaker by a length,

Uncle Waldo, Mermaid and Billy Boy.

Come on, baby!

And coming into the stretch, it's Matchmaker by two lengths.

Yeah, two lengths!

Three lengths.

Three lengths!

Matchmaker by four lengths.

Four lengths!

I'm rich! I'm rich!

Matchmaker by four lengths.

And Matchmaker by three lengths.

No, four lengths, he said four.

Matchmaker by two lengths.

No, not two. What happened to four?

Matchmaker by a length.

No, it's four! Four...

And the winner is Uncle Waldo,

followed by Mermaid and Billy Boy.

We'll go down to the winner's circle in just a moment.

Don't turn it off, honey.

Here he comes.

Now you can turn it off.

Oh, Oscar, put your head between your knees.

What are you doing?

Felix was right.

The ants did follow me home.

Sorry.

♪ When the saints come marching in ♪

♪ When the saints ♪

♪ Come marching... ♪

Oh!

I'm sorry.

I thought you was one of them $35 funerals.

Just a little inside joke we have.

You must be the groundskeeper.

Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah.

Uh, is this where you're going to...

Yeah, yeah.

When the time comes.

Well...

it's a beautiful location.

Thank you.

You know anything about my next door neighbor here?

Well, uh... I don't know anything personal,

but, uh, he was the first cellist

for the Philharmonic.

Really?!

Yeah, he's one of the main attractions on our guided tours.

Oh, my.

Well, I, uh, I'll be talking to you.

I mean...

I'll be seeing you.

♪ When the saints go marching in ♪

Felix?

You nearly scared me to death.

Well, you wouldn't have far to go.

I'm glad you got down here.

I want you to see my plot.

Yeah, I see it. Listen...

Isn't this lovely? Yes, it's beautiful.

I want to talk with... Oh, you have no idea

how long I searched for just the right spot,

and now I found it.

Oh, so serene and peaceful.

Look at this lovely shade tree.

And there's the babbling brook.

Close enough to hear, but far enough to avoid seepage.

Felix, look, I want to talk to you.

I don't know how to put it.

What's the matter, Oscar?

You got troubles? Yeah, I got troubles.

See, that's why I want to talk to you.

I want tell you... Money troubles?

Well, partly money, but that's not all...

Well, when you stop to think about it,

is anything that important?

No, I don't think so.

Little troubles all seem to...

work their way away.

I realize that now that I'm here.

Life's problems are pretty minor after all.

As long as you've got a place to come to in the end.

You ain't got no place.

That's what I'm trying to tell you, Felix.

You're out in the cold.

I-I, I don't understand.

You're not talking about this plot?

Yeah, somebody beat you out of it.

I didn't get down here with the money in time,

and somebody else copped your grave.

Copped my grave?!

I don't believe this.

Well, it's true.

So if you're gonna die, don't die here,

'cause they're gonna have to move you.

Oscar, how-how could you...?

This is like a nightmare out of Charles Dickens.

Wh-What did you do?

Did you just forget?

No, I didn't forget. A better thing came along.

A better thing?

Only it didn't come along fast enough.

If you want to blame anybody, blame that lousy horse.

You didn't do this!

Yes, I did, and I'm terribly sorry.

He's sorry!

He bets my grave on a horse, and he tells me he's sorry!

Yes.

You bet my eternal resting place on a sweaty animal,

and you tell me you're sorry?!

Yeah, I'm sorry, Felix.

Look, if I'd have won, you could have had two plots.

What do I want with two plots?!

What am I, the fat man in a circus?!

What do you want me to say?

You can say this is

the most irresponsible thing you've ever done!

It's outrageous!

It's the most irresponsible thing I've ever done.

It's outrageous.

Well, you're just saying that!

Well, you told me to say it!

You could at least have the decency to apologize.

I apologize, Felix.

That's not gonna get me back my grave, is it?

Boys, boys, please, please, keep it down.

People are trying to rest here.

My sinuses are killing me!

I didn't mean it.

See, Eddie called me up, he told me he had a sure thing.

Now he's got me talking to graves.

Come on, Felix, come on out.

Now he won't even talk to me.

Mr. Twitchell is here from Eternal Shores.

He's got a beautiful plot

with a view of the George Washington Bridge.

You know how much you admire George Washington.

Tell him about our rose garden and the Sunday organ concert.

Did you hear that, Felix?

They promised you a rose garden...

and an organ concert.

Ah, it's no use, he's got a closed mind.

Uh, did you tell him about our free parking

and the playground for children?

The only child around here is in there.

I'm sorry, it's no dice.

Well, at least accept one of our free calendars

to remind you of our services.

Hey, she's not bad.

Well, we like to see our customers live while they can.

Oh, our, uh... our phone number is on it

if you should need us.

Hey, that's an interesting place to put a phone number.

Good-bye.

So long, Mr. Twitchell.

I saw that, Oscar.

Now you come out, huh?

I didn't come out to see you.

I came out to get some nourishment.

I can't die now, thanks to you.

For the hundredth time, please, I apologize, Felix.

If you'll excuse me, Mr. Madison,

I'd like to go to my bedroom.

Oh, come on, Felix, give me a break.

I've been running around town for four hours.

I've got 32 nice places for you to be buried.

I had a nice place!

I'll never live to see a nicer one.

I know you did, but these are nice, too.

Look, here's one with a babbling brook. Yeah?

Where's the shade tree?

I'll give you a shade tree as a going away present.

My coffee's getting cold.

Oh, come on, Felix, please.

Oh, look at this.

Here's one with daisies and a picket fence.

Here's one with a view of the Brooklyn Academy of Music.

Oh, this one you're gonna love.

Look, it's only a mile and a half away from a broom factory.

Just look at them... please.

Have you got one with a view of a racetrack?

Oh, don't be cruel, Felix.

If I'd have won, I'd have bought you a vault.

A vault is ostentatious. I...

What's this one?

Why didn't you show me this?

It's got a brook and a tree and a view.

Yeah, but see, it-it's near a corner by a wall.

You can't be over four foot seven.

Very funny.

No, I'm not trying to be funny.

Hey, Felix, they could put you in diagonally,

or you could crouch.

He's as much trouble dead as he is alive.

Hi, honey.

Hi, honey.

Listen, have you found a plot yet? No.

Another submarine sandwich?

No, the same submarine sandwich.

Oscar, I was talking to one of my patients.

He bought a plot in the same cemetery,

and he's willing to sell it.

You talked him into selling it?

Well, with me as his doctor,

he knows he's gonna live.

Yeah, Felix won't like it. Wait!

Now wait! You haven't even heard about it.

I'm telling you he won't like it.

King Tut was easier to bury than this guy.

Oscar, it's in the same area that Felix had.

It is?

Yes. Only about five yards away.

You mean the same location?

Same location. Same price?

Same price. What do you think?

Do you think he'll like it?

He'll like it, he'll love it,

he'll be crazy about it.

Felix, wait'll you hear.

And if he doesn't like it, I'll kill him

and stuff him in it anyway!

Now are you happy?

Have you got friends or have you got friends?

Come on, we'll put a deposit down. Now just a minute.

I-I want to look at it.

What is there to look at?

It's the same view, same tree, same dumb babbling brook.

Would you have some patience?

After all, this is forever.

What is he doing?

Who knows? Practicing.

It's just as I thought.

It's not the same.

What's not the same? The view.

It's blocked by Split Carson.

Who's Split Carson?

The bowling king of Eastern Long Island.

Well, he sure must have loved the game.

I never even noticed that.

Well, how can you miss two bowling pins

sticking up in the middle of the cemetery?

I don't want to stare at that through all eternity.

Come on, Felix.

You won't see anything

once they drop you into the ground.

And 204 here is under this beautiful shade tree.

That thing's out in the blazing sun.

What, you're afraid you'll get a sunburn?

I'm thinking of the comfort of my visitors.

Felix, they're not gonna be here that long.

They're just going to drop their flowers and leave.

It really is just as nice

as that one.

No, it's not.

It's farther from the brook.

Look how low that is.

When it rains, I'll be in a puddle.

My suit'll shrink.

I'll bury you in a raincoat.

Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

Oh, uh, I'm sorry to hear about 204.

So was I. Yeah.

Well, this is a nice spot here

right next to the Captain.

Captain? Yeah.

Ol' Captain Ed.

For 30 years, he was on the Hudson.

He ran one of them garbage scows.

You're burying me

between the Captain of a garbage scow

and the king of bowling.

Over here I was next to a concert cellist.

He's on the guided tour, everything.

We'll dig a tunnel, you can visit.

Well, I guess we could look further,

Felix.

No, no, no, I...

You've gone to enough trouble.

I'll take it. NANCY: No.

Now you don't have to.

No, no, it's all right.

It's not exactly what I had in mind,

but it's good enough.

I guess I'm lucky to have anything.

I appreciate that, Felix.

I know how you...

Well, honey, that's settled.

At least he'll take it. No, no, no.

He said he would. You don't know him like I do.

Every time he sees a babbling brook,

he'll start babbling.

Every time he hears organ music,

he'll start humming "My Blue Heaven."

And whenever he sniffles,

he'll remind me how I loused up his eternity.

Oh, he'll forget all about it.

Not him. Peck! Peck! Peck!

It's like living with a chicken.

Oh!

I think I'll get back to the hospital.

Things are happier there.

No, honey, do me a favor, will you?

Take Felix back to the apartment.

I got an idea. What?

Just do it, will you, honey? Please, no questions.

"Split Carson, beloved husband,

"devoted father,

never threw a gutter ball."

Just step into my office and have a seat.

Thank you, thank you.

Now then, what can I do for you?

Well, I want to ask about a plot.

Ah, yes.

Uh, for yourself or a loved one?

Believe me, neither.

I just want to know who bought plot 204.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir,

but that's privileged information.

Privileged for me and this little box.

We don't give that out to the public.

Well, I can appreciate that,

but I want to help my friend, Felix Unger.

Oh, yes, Mr. Unger. Very nice man.

Sorry to lose him.

But you don't have to lose him. Just give me the name.

I'm sorry, sir, but it's a matter of ethics.

Besides, the owner may be leaving this earth very soon.

Well, maybe he'd like

to make a little profit before he goes.

I mean, he paid 500 for it. I'll give him 750.

But you couldn't give him anything

if you didn't have his name.

Okay, okay, I'll double it.

I'll give him $1,000 for the plot.

No.

You'll give him 750

for the plot. Oh, thank you.

And you'll give me 250 for his name.

But, that is... I know,

but the cemetery game is a jungle.

Okay, you got a deal.

And you've got a name.

And you've got a nerve!

I think we're too late.

Maybe we better go.

Poor man.

What are you whispering about?

Mr. Bengstrom?

We thought you might be...

asleep.

I was, but that whispering woke me up.

Are you from the oxygen company?

No, no, no. We just came from Angel Haven.

Angel... Oh, they do care!

Uh, would you shut the door, please? There's a draft.

You came for my measurements?

Measurements?

No, Angel Haven gave us your name.

We don't work there.

Oh. Oh.

Did you wipe your feet before you came in?

I can't stand dirt. Yes.

Oh, yeah, sure, we wiped our feet.

You didn't bring any pollen, did you?

I've got hay fever. No, no, no.

Oh, good, good.

I can't ask him.

Why? What's the difference? I wish you wouldn't whisper.

I'm...

I'm-I'm also paranoid.

We're sorry.

What do you gentlemen want?

It-It... It's nothing.

It's-It's nothing.

Well, you must have come for something.

Well, as a matter of fact... Be tactful.

I will be.

We want to buy your grave.

My grave?!

Forget it. I'm not selling my grave.

Some other jerk tried to beat me out of it,

but he didn't get his deposit in on time.

Oh, having that grave

is the only thing that keeps me going.

It's stuffy in here.

No offense intended, I assure you.

Does he seem familiar to you?

No. Never saw him before.

No, I mean, does he remind you of anybody?

No.

If you don't mind my asking, Mr. Bengstrom,

what... what is it you have?

What's wrong with you?

Everything. You name it, I've got it.

Well, what do the doctors say?

Doctors? Ha! What do they know?

They say there's nothing wrong with me.

That shows you what they know.

Yeah, well, maybe they're right.

Maybe there isn't anything wrong with you.

Are you joking?

With all the disease in this world,

with the millions and billions of germs

right here in this room, how could I be healthy?

I mean, what are my odds?

Are you sure he doesn't remind you of somebody?

I had an uncle

who had exactly that coloring just before he passed away.

No, Felix. He reminds me of you.

You gentlemen will have to excuse me,

'cause I've got to go to the bathroom.

May we help you?

Help? No. Why?

You're limping.

I am?

You see? I predicted that!

Come on, will you, Felix?

He's got 204, you got 212.

Try to switch. Let him keep it.

Let him use it in good health.

What?

I mean it.

Angel Haven can wait.

Hello life.

Do I really remind you of that?

Oscar,

how can you stand to be inside

on a day like today?

It's such a beautiful day.

The sky is blue, the clouds are billowing,

there's a feeling of spring in the air.

It's no time to be obsessed with graves and cemeteries.

That's depressing.

Guess what I bought?

A giant ant colony?

No.

Look.

What's that?

Matching funeral urns.

Matching...?

One for you, one for me, yeah.

And in case you should marry Nancy,

or I go back with Gloria, I can get more.

They're open stock.

Aren't they wonderful? So modern and neat.

That's what I like best, the neatness.

Which one is yours?

That one.

That's for my ashes!

I'm giving you a head start.