Original subtitles

I wonder if I'm too old to be discovered by the Mets?

See that? They're calling me already.

Hello.

Hey, Speed, am I glad you called!

I just hit a home run, broke up a tight ball game,

16 to 16, I must have had a 300-footer!

What do I care about your horses, for Go...

No, for pe... Listen, Spe... All right.

Everybody wants to talk about himself.

Ooh.

Am I glad you're home!

Listen, I hit a home run today, 400 feet...

What is this, Oscar?

New decor?

Early locker room?

Look at this.

Well, I'll pick it up later.

Listen... Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

What is it?

What'd you do, come home in a dirty cab?

Oscar.

Tell me honestly. What?

Do you like my face?

Do I like... Of course I like your face!

I don't carry your picture

around in my wallet, but I...

I'm very fond of my face.

Good! I'm fond of mine, too.

I like my elbow, I'm crazy about my neck, I...

Will you stop honking, Felix.

Get to the point.

That is the point!

I went to see this new doctor.

He tells me he can't stop the honking!

So?

I have to have a new nose.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right.

But he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With no where else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out.

Requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

A new nose could change me.

It will be a whole different personality.

You think they could operate tomorrow?

Is that a sensitive friend talking?

No, that is a bored friend talking.

I've listened to you talk about your nose for so long,

it's like living with Pinocchio.

You just don't rush into major surgery.

To you, a hangnail is major surgery.

Felix, you've been to so many doctors.

How many different ones are you going to try?

Your very own doctor, Dr. Melnitz,

whom you love, whom you trust,

told you you have that... what was it?

Deviated septum.

Deviated septum, years ago.

He told you it was a simple operation.

It would not alter the shape of your nose.

You won't accept it.

Isn't it a normal, human thing to want to get a second opinion?

You've been to ten doctors, two chiropractors,

and a gypsy fortune teller.

The gypsy was a friend,

I don't consider her seriously.

Face it, Felix.

No matter what any doctor says

you're not going to have it done.

And believe me, you need an operation.

Oh, I...

Warn me the next time you open a beer!

I'll put on my scuba suit!

Got, it's all over the beautiful leather.

Slob! Listen, you got a bum nose!

You better do something about it. Everything.

I'm telling you! Everything! Everything!

Pick a doctor. Any doctor!

Look I'll again with the honking.

Felix, do something about it!

Your entire nose situation is beginning to depress me.

Forgive me...

if my affliction depresses you!

In Africa, when one of the elephants gets sick,

he crawls off alone into the jungle and dies.

Hold it, Dumbo, don't die.

Felix, I'm thinking of your good.

For instance, I'm worrying about tonight.

Your ex-wife's bridge game.

What? What?

You and Nancy are coming, aren't you?

Sure we're coming. Mm.

But you say you want to get back with Gloria, right?

Yes!

Well, I don't want you to blow it

by talking about your nose, depressing everybody.

Me? Depress... Oscar!

I'm usually the life of the party!

Felix, you are many things.

You're a wonderful cook, you're a great father.

Go ahead.

Pick on a man with one nostril.

I'll make a deal with you. Hmm?

I won't pick on you

if you don't mention your nose once tonight.

All right. Don't say "all right,"

say "I won't mention my nose..." I won't mention my nose tonight!

No nose!

It's so cute on the outside.

Felix will be right here.

He's saying good-night to the children.

This is such a lovely home.

And so sparkling clean! Oh.

Oh, thank you!

Felix has dusting privileges.

Oh.

Gloria, why do you let Leonard sleep all crumpled up

in a ball like that?

Most children don't sleep at attention.

No coasters. I bid...

I bid one heart!

Can I bid here?

What's the matter?

Are the cards dirty again?

I washed them.

No, I was just looking at the nose

on the king of hearts.

Bid, bid, bid!

I think the king of spades needs a nose job.

You know, speaking of nose jobs...

Who was speaking of noses?

Will you play? I bid one heart!

Did he go and see another doctor

about his nose? Yeah.

You got custody of his children, I got custody of his nose.

Your nose ruined your marriage!

Tell him! Tell him my nose had nothing to do with our marriage.

I'll bet all those years

of honking, they affected the children, too.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Oh, not really.

But until the children were three years old,

they did think their daddy was a goose.

That's funny.

That's very funny.

Felix!

I'm not a surgeon,

but I think if you're miserable,

you should have an operation.

Felix has never had an operation before.

I think he's afraid of them.

Oh... Oh.

Now the truth comes out, doesn't it, buddy?

Now do you understand?

Yes, I think you're twice as silly!

Everybody has operations today!

What's to be afraid of?

I don't know, but I'm afraid!

Felix, a witch doctor isn't going Oh...

to come along and bop you on the nose

with a rattle or something.

There's modern medicine.

Forgive me... You've seen Marcus Welby.

We all have our little quirks, haven't we?

Felix, I strongly feel

you should let Dr. Melnitz do a simple rhinoplasty.

What?

It's just minor surgery.

What'd you call it? What's it?

Rhinoplasty. Rhinoplasty!

No! No, no, I don't want it.

It's just a name.

It's just a name.

All right, Felix!

Then look at it this way!

Your nose bugs you

and everybody else, right? Mm.

If you don't do something about it,

you could lose a friend, a roommate and an ex-wife.

He's right, Felix.

You are being a little silly.

Why don't you, Felix?

Come on!

Okay, okay. Good!

You'll do it! No!

No, I'll leave it to fate.

Fate gave me the nose, and fate will take my nose away!

I'll pick a card.

He'll pick a card!

If I pick a black card... Okay.

I have the operation. Okay.

If I pick a red card, I see another doctor

and have another consultation. Right.

A black card, you have the operation, right?

Okay, go ahead.

I, I don't know.

Well, don't arrange them, pick a card!

Oh!

Whoa, buddy. Now, come on.

Black card, you have the operation.

Okay, it's all settled, let's play bridge.

You're doing the right thing.

I'm proud of you, Felix.

I picked the ace of spades.

It's the death card.

Once Felix gets used to that hospital,

he's going to love it.

Even the dust is sterilized.

I felt sorry for him.

Why?

As they put him to bed,

he kept saying, "Let me pick another card."

He wasn't that nervous.

I heard him tell one of the nurses

her uniform had a smudge on it.

Come on, hon. We're going to be late for the game.

You got my glove?

Not only do I have it, I oiled it for you.

Oh, ho-ho-ho, Oscar, how romantic.

Yeah.

I can't tell you how happy I am

without Felix's nose haunting me

with that medley of noises!

We're going to have such a ball today, just you and me and no...

Felix!

Wow. You all right?

Yeah, I must have stepped wro... ha!

Honey! What? I... Ooh.

Ooh. My ankle. What?

I think something snapped inside my own body.

Wait a minute. Ah!

Easy. Ooh. Does it hurt here?

Hee! Yeah!

Does that answer your question?

Oscar, uh, can you move your foot?

Can you step on it?

Well, I just tried, honey, I can't.

Oh, honey, now you've done it! I done it?

What'd I done? What? What'd I do? What?

I think you snapped your Achilles tendon.

How do I snap it back?

Usually it's just a minor operation.

Last stop!

Everybody off!

Don't help me, I'd rather do it myself.

Why do they have to operate?

You heard Dr. Freilich, he's a specialist.

Hi!

You put me in the same room with Felix?

Well, you see... I requested it.

Dr. Melnitz told me what happened to you,

so I asked for you to be put in here.

Isn't this a great room?!

The truth is, Oscar, his other roommate requested

to get out of here.

The guy they were afraid to move?

Maybe that X-ray machine is broken,

cause my foot feels fine, now...

Easy, easy, easy.

Uh, do you need anything else, Dr. Cunningham?

No thanks, that's fine.

Now look, Oscar.

The X-ray said that you have a cleanly severed Achilles tendon.

There's no doubt about it,

and it's not a complicated operation.

Yeah, but let's be fair,

I've only had one doctor's opinion.

Oscar. Dr. Freilich has done many of these.

This is the day of modern medicine.

You're not going to have some witch doctor bop you on...

Oh, who's asking you!

You won't feel a thing, Oscar.

You'll be unconscious I will, too.

Through the whole operation. Won't I?

I get an anesthetic too, don't I?

I-I requested it.

Dr. Melnitz told me you begged.

He also said my eyes will be bandaged.

Yeah, that's right, just for a day or so,

because the block in the septum is up high, so your eyes...

Will you stop talking about his nose. Rhinoplasty.

I want to talk about my foot, it's my girl!

Boys, I've got to get back to work.

Now, Dr. Melnitz will fix your nose,

and Dr. Freilich will fix your foot.

You're both in very good hands.

Come and see me soon, honey. Isn't this great!

Isn't this great?

Let's have some TV.

It's just a sprain.

I don't believe that doctor.

You want my gypsy's phone number?

Why don't you stop it?

You want the truth, I'll give you the truth.

I'm a little bit afraid of the operation. Oh.

Oh, ho-ho. Ho-ho-ho.

Now, now, you see how it is?

Yeah. We don't need any TV.

I'm glad you're man enough to admit it.

I'm very sorry about what happened to you.

But isn't it good that we're together?

We can cheer each other up.

What do we do, sing songs?

That's a very good idea.

That's what we did in the army when we were afraid.

At Anzio, before we went into combat, we sang,

♪ Jim never even sends her... ♪

That's what you sang at Anzio?

That was our sergeant's name, Jim!

♪ Jim never even sends her pretty flowers... ♪

I can't eat this stuff.

I'm gonna call the chef.

Wait a minute.

This is a hospital.

It's not Twenty-One.

This food is unacceptable.

I can't eat it.

I want to talk to the chef.

And I want to go to sleep. Then go to sleep!

Yeah, but I don't want to hear you argue

with the chef how long you should cook mashed potatoes.

It's not only the mashed potatoes, it's the whole meal.

Airlines serve better food than this.

Felix, think about the poor chef.

He has to cook for people

whose taste buds are numb from medicine.

They eat lying down.

Some of them eat intravenously.

How would you like to cook a pressed duck,

have a guy eat it through his arm?

Where are you going?

I've got to go to the bathroom.

Why don't you use... I don't want to use the...

I'm so disappointed.

I was looking forward to this meal.

They don't give us any breakfast tomorrow morning, you know.

Eh... call the chef.

Now I can go to sleep.

Don't go to sleep before the nun comes.

Before the nun comes?

You called a nun?

She's on the floor.

But you're not even a Catholic. No, but I'm scared.

Hello.

I'm Sister Cathleen.

Good evening, sister. Are you comfortable?

Yes, thank you. Mm-hmm.

You both look very well. Thank you.

We're both being operated on tomorrow morning, sister.

Maybe you could say a few words to...

Is there such a thing as a deviated septum prayer?

Not specifically.

But I will say a prayer.

Thank you.

Mr. Madison here... Sprained ankle.

You don't lie to a nun.

Mr. Madison has a torn Achilles tendon.

Maybe you can cover us both with the same prayer.

You don't have to worry about anything.

But I will say a prayer for the two of you.

Thank you, sister. Thank you, sister.

Good-bye. Good-night.

You think it could help?

Couldn't hurt.

Felix?

Huh?

Ah, hi, Oscar.

Is it over?

Uh... no.

Haven't even started yet.

I feel weird.

I know.

They came in early this morning and gave us shots...

Oh.

To prepare us for the operation.

We're drugged.

Oscar.

What?

In my entire life...

I've never been to Wyoming.

I'll drive you.

You know, that drug they...

they gave us makes you tell the truth.

You want to hear a truth?

No.

I still love my ex-wife.

Good.

Now you tell me a truth.

I don't want to drive you to Wyoming.

Tell me a real truth.

Nancy has a mole on her left hip.

Oh, you're a great man, Oscar, you really are.

You're my best friend. You're my best friend.

You're the best friend I ever had.

Well, you're the best friend I... Oh...

Let's not fight, let's make friendship our motto.

It is our motto.

Show time.

Take him first.

Let's go get our nose fixed now.

Oh, that's me.

Come on. I'm not afraid.

Come on. I'm not afraid.

Up you go. I'm not afraid.

Up you go. Let's go.

All right. I'm not afraid, Oscar.

Wait! Wait!

Are there candles in the operating room?

What for?

In case there's a power failure, so he can finish the operation.

We-we have candles.

Wait, wait.

We're all brothers, you know.

Oh, Gloria. Come on.

All right, straight ahead.

You're my eyes, Gloria.

Okay. Come on.

It's a terrible thing to be a burden on someone.

That's all right, come on.

You're an angel, Gloria. Okay...

Where's the step?! Where's the step?!

Right there, there's the step.

I'm all right, Gloria. Thank you.

There's the step.

It was easier to survive the hospital

than the taxi ride home with this nut.

How was I supposed to know

you put your foot up on the jump seat?!

I can't see, you know!

And you didn't help things smoking that foul cigar

in the cab with my condition!

Felix, you're yelling at a plant.

Did you close the door, Gloria?

I didn't hear the door close.

Your condition, your condition.

A little corn plaster on the nose.

Have you any idea of the pain of rhinoplasty?!

Boys! Boys! Quiet!

Listen, I'm gonna stay today and take care of you.

Oh. And I'll take care of you, Oscar,

and I'll take care of you, Felix.

Oh, these crutches are killing...

But first, let me take care of my migraine.

Gloria?

Yes?

Plant.

Gloria?

Mantelpiece.

Candlestick.

Gloria?

Yes? Are you going to finish reading to me or what?

I'm coming, Felix.

Gloria, help me, help...

Okay, here we go. You're my eyes, Gloria.

Okay.

There's... You're my...

Okay, there's the chair.

Gloria, I thought you were gonna bring me some ice cream!

Ice cream. Ice...

This room is rather stuffy,

isn't it, Gloria? Use the air freshener.

You'll find it right there on the counter.

You know, when you can't see,

your other senses become so much more acute.

Hmm, that's good, ah.

Read to me now, Gloria.

You forgot the whipped cream, Gloria!

Gloria, you gonna take care of him or me?

He has two eyes, he can see.

I'm only your former husband.

Gloria?

Sorry, Felix. I'm just not perfect.

I'm sorry, Gloria.

Hmm. Nobody's perfect.

Even Nancy has

a big mole on her hip.

How did you know that? I don't know.

Gloria, this thing is itching.

Will you throw a hanger down or something.

No, no, no, don't do that! He's not supposed to scratch.

Gloria, get me a glass of water,

Water. would you, sweetheart? Yeah.

With some shaved ice, darling.

Yeah. And maybe a straw.

What is that?! What?!

It's just the...!

It's just the phone, Felix.

The phone. Oh, the phone. I'll get it.

Hello. How fast you forget.

Oh, Nancy. OSCAR: Gloria!

My senses are so alive!

Nancy.

Nancy, I can't make it.

Oscar... OSCAR: Gloria!

Oscar, will you be quiet in there!

See, basically, I'm a very placid person.

Give the poor girl a chance!

Between the two of them, Doesn't she have enough to do?

I just can't take it any... Gloria!

They're fighting now, Nancy.

Nancy, I just wasn't cut out to be a nurse, I'm...

I love them, but I have got to get out of here, I'm sorry.

I love... I got to get out of here.

Gloria.

Is the water ready yet, because if not,

Felix. maybe I'd rather have an eggnog.

Where am I? Help me, Gloria.

You're my eyes, Gloria.

Yes, yes, Felix.

Now, Felix, I have got to leave. Huh?

Now, you just sit right here. Where you going?

And everything will be all right.

I have got to leave. I'm sorry, but I have got to leave.

Where you going, Gloria?

I just have to get out of here.

I'm sorry, Felix. Gloria?

If you need anything, call Nancy.

Did you leave, Gloria?

What happened?

I don't know.

For some strange reason, Gloria left.

I don't blame her.

When this thing itches, I get so cranky.

What are you doing out of bed?

What are you doing in here?

I missed you.

Tired of my room, I came out here to sit and read.

I'll call up and find out what time it is.

It's 8:00.

Your watch is never right.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

Six.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

Eight.

One, two...

Look at this, I'm on Sesame Street.

Give me the phone. No, no!

I'll dial it for you.

Now, I don't want to disturb you.

This is very good therapy for me, believe me.

I forgot where I was.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

Six.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Eight.

One, two... Give me the phone!

It's 8:00! Don't you believe me?!

It's 8:00!

What difference does it make what time it is?

Can't do anything but go to bed anyway.

Go. It's a good idea; you should go to bed.

Thank you.

At least I'll tidy up a little bit before I go.

You can't even see.

How you can tell it's messy?

Instinct.

I'll empty the ashtrays.

No, that's cruel, Oscar, cruel!

You know why I'm cruel?

Because when you clean, it makes me nervous,

when I'm nervous, I itch.

Now, will you sit down, Felix?

I clean cause I don't know what else to do.

Go fill the tub and bob for apples.

Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oscar, I-I don't like to disturb you, but how's your cigar ash?

My cigar ash is fine.

How are your shoelaces?

Why are you talking gibberish again?

Because I don't want your ash

to get long and fall down on the couch.

I can't afford a fire when I can't see!

Felix, I just put it out.

I heard that, Oscar.

Where are you going?

You won't give me a minute's peace, will you?

Oh, boy, you're crazy, you know that?

You're absolutely crazy.

With your cleanliness fetish,

you'll drive me crazy.

What?! What?!

What are you doing, Oscar?!

Don't play practical jokes!

Don't crawl around on the floor!

Oscar, what are you doing?

Pack your things and get out! What?

Pack your things and get out!

You're kicking a blind man out

in the dead of night?

Oscar, do you realize what you're saying?

I chose every word very carefully.

Get out!

All right.

Point me at the door.

You're pointed, you're pointed.

Go ahead.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

That's the lamp. I'm all right.

I didn't hurt myself much.

It's all right. Don't help me.

Lamp.

I know where I am. I can make it.

That's the sofa, sofa.

That's Oscar.

I can make it.

I don't need your help, and I don't want your pity.

You don't have to help me, I know where I am.

I know whe... I know where I am.

This is the steps, the steps, closet door.

So this is the way it ends, huh, Oscar?

Very good.

There's the coats.

So this is what friendship means, huh?

All right, Oscar, if this is the way you want it,

Felix... this is the way it'll be.

Felix.

Felix, I just remembered our friendship pact.

The one we made in the hospital.

That's why you want me to stay, huh?

That, and you're wearing Gloria's coat.

I don't want you to get arrested.

It fits.

Oscar... thank you.

I'm man enough to admit

I'm glad to stay.

Oscar, look...

you're not the easiest man in the world to live with.

But maybe we can work out something between us.

Lamp.

Yes.

Couch.

Couch, that's right.

I have my problems, Oscar.

Oscar.

You have your problems...

"So bid the soldiers shoot.

And they all lived happily ever after."

Nobody lives happily ever after in Hamlet.

Nobody lives.

I'm so dizzy from reading Hamlet.

I want to go to bed.

Wha... I...

Do me a favor, would you? What?

I know I made you a promise I won't clean anymore,

but this air in this room is so stuffy, Oscar.

Well, what do you care? You're going to sleep.

How can I sleep knowing it's stuffy?

Just, just, just for me, just this once,

just before we go to bed,

let me freshen up a little bit, can I?

Oh, sure, go ahead, Felix.

Good. Good.

Am I getting it everywhere?

Well, you're missing in a few spots, right there.