Original subtitles

I tell ya, you're missing a great time.

He's one good-looking fellow.

Yeah, sure I understand.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Well, that's the last of the Zs.

Crazy Rhoda Zimmerman.

Raymond's first night in New York.

I thought we could fix him up with somebody cute, interesting.

Hey, Oscar, what's the difference, huh?

The three of us will go out and have a pizza

and have a great time.

I came to see my sister anyway.

He's absolutely right. We'll have a ball.

I know a great Italian restaurant.

Carderellies. They have great food there...

Oh, hi, Oscar, is Felix here? Oh, hi, Nancy.

Hi, Gloria.

I'd like you to meet my brother, Raymond Cunningham.

Ray, this is Gloria Unger.

How do you do, Mr. Cunningham? How do you do?

How do you do? You're Felix's wife.

Oh, well, I was. We're divorced.

Where's Felix? He's up in Canada.

He had a rush assignment... Photograph a layout.

Oh, well, I brought his shirts over.

You still do his shirts?

Oh, just his sport shirts.

The dress shirts he sends home to his mother.

Well, good night. So long, Gloria.

Oh, yeah, hey, Gloria.

Uh, have you had dinner yet?

No, I haven't as a matter of fact.

Well, why don't you come and eat with us?

Raymond needs a dinner partner.

Oh, well, no, I don't...

No, please, come on, come on. It will be my pleasure.

Right? Fine.

She's going to come with us. How about that?

You can come down and help me look for the car.

It's big and the big streets... I'll see you, Nancy.

Do you think you should have done that?

Done what? Well, fix Raymond up with Gloria.

What's wrong with that?

You know how jealous Felix is.

He's liable to misunderstand the entire thing.

Oscar, we're just going out for pizza,

not a moonlight swim.

Besides Gloria is a free woman.

Yeah, and Felix is in Canada 500 miles away. Right.

What are you powdering your nose for? We're only going to go for pizza.

Whoo! Wasn't that great pizza?

I loved the pepperoni, but the anchovy was a little salty.

Hey, honey, your brother is one funny guy.

When he and Gloria park the car, I want him to finish

telling me that story about the hairdresser and the monkey.

Yeah. And, you know, you were absolutely right about Felix.

There was nothing to worry about...

Surprise!

On November 13, Felix Unger

was asked to remove himself from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend,

Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

I was supposed to photograph a herd of moose

on their annual trek across the country, right?

They gave me a week to get the job done.

I get off the plane on the ice,

there's a whole herd of moose going across the tundra.

I got my shot in 15 minutes.

I got back on the plane, I come home.

How did I get so lucky?

Oh! OSCAR: How did he get so lucky?

I tell you.

I was so famished, I didn't even unpack.

I came straight to my kitchen.

I'm making eggs vichy.

If you're good, I'll give you some.

Well, he's got to be told about Gloria, or he'll jump

to all sorts of conclusions, or out the window.

Well, then go in there and tell him.

You just don't tell Felix. You got to use a little finesse.

Okay. I'll get lost.

Hi ya, buddy. I'm glad you're back. Listen, I want to talk...

Don't talk to me while I'm cooking.

I've told you a thousand times.

What is it? Something important?

Sure, it's important. Then tell me. What is it?

Well... You've done something wrong?

No, I didn't do anything wrong. You've done something wrong, I can...

Get me the cream.

No, Nancy's brother Ray is in town. Ray?

Yes, you know, he owns that ski lodge.

No, I don't think I know him. Give me the pepper mill.

Yeah, I remember I showed you pictures he sent to Nancy.

Ray! Yeah, yeah, the ski bum. Ray.

The ski bum. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get me the bacon bits.

Bacon bits. Bacon bits.

Look at this, I'm a busboy here.

Anyway, the thing is, he needed a dinner date

because we were taking him out to dinner,

and we fixed him up with one.

That was very thoughtful of you. Anybody I know?

Well, that's the funny part. You know her very well.

Who, Carol? Your secretary, the one with the overbite?

No, not Carol. Who?

The sexy one in the file room

with the hot pants and the big, false...

No, no, no, no!

Well, whoever it was, I hope he got lucky.

You do? Yes, sir.

Raymond's a swinger. I admire that, I really do.

Love 'em and leave 'em!

Fast and loose. Swing.

Swing from the chandeliers.

I wish I could do that.

Love 'em and leave 'em.

It's Gloria.

Gloria!

The mother of my children?

Come on, Felix, don't say it that way.

You make it sound too important.

Too important!

Oscar, take this.

Stick it in my back. Finish the job.

Aw, come on, will you?

Nothing happened. We just had pizza, that's all.

Nancy and I were with them all the time.

Well, how very decent of you to chaperone them.

Where are they now? They're parking the car.

Where? In front of a motel?

Oh... Oh, this is just...

It's terrible for my sinuses.

I just... I can't conceive, what... what?

How did Gloria get together with such a... such a person?

Well, she came in with your sport shirts.

It's a good thing my dress shirts weren't delivered.

You'd have fixed him up with my mother.

Will you stop?!

It was just a coincidence.

Ray needed a dinner date and...

she showed up, so that was it.

You understand?

To make points with your girlfriend,

you fixed my wife up with a swinger.

A minute ago, you were admiring him. Huh.

When you said swinger, you were smiling.

A minute ago, he wasn't swinging with my wife.

Nobody is swinging with anybody. The only reason I told you,

I didn't want you to go into shock when they get here.

She's bringing him here?

Yeah.

I'll hide here in the kitchen until he goes to his hotel.

Well, he couldn't get a hotel.

Where is he staying, Oscar?

In your room, Felix.

In my room, Oscar?

In your room, Felix.

Of all the rooms in this city full of rooms,

you put him in my room?

Now you got it.

My room... my wife... my roommate.

If I had a dog now, he'd probably go for my throat.

Where are they? How long does it take to park a car?

In New York, it could take a lifetime.

I'm glad you... We, uh... Hi.

We had a little accident.

We can see.

Yeah, well, I parked the car at the garage around the corner,

and this old-fashioned elevator with the doors

just kind of snapped at Gloria's dress. Snapped and tore it.

Old-fashioned elevator.

Let's try this: A vicious German shepherd

went for your throat,

missed and grabbed and ripped the whole thing.

Wh-Wh-What's the matter? That is what happened.

Oh, I believe you, but some other people might not believe you.

What other people?

That was Felix.

That's Felix?

That was Felix. That was Felix.

I thought he was in Canada. No, he's back. He got his moose.

But he didn't say hello. Does he know Raymond and I...

That's why he didn't say hello.

I had to tell him. I didn't want him to go into shock.

Well, maybe if I go over there and explain it to him...

No, no, no! That's all right. He'll be all right.

Just give him a few minutes.

He'll be fine.

I'm sorry.

Do you mind if I have my dinner in here?

I'd eat in the kitchen, but it's too hot from the oven.

And my blood has been thickened

by exposure to Arctic temperature.

Oh, uh, Felix. I'd like you to meet my brother.

Raymond Cunningham. Ray, this is Felix Unger.

How are you doing, Felix? I've heard a lot about you.

I've heard a lot about you, too.

Welcome to New York.

Fun city.

Felix, you'll never believe what happened.

But when we were parking the car,

this elevator... just ripped my dress!

Isn't that funny? I said that to myself.

One look and I said,

"I'll bet a dress-tearing elevator got her."

Wasn't that a good guess?

Knock it off, will you, Felix?

I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Am I disturbing anyone?

Oh, please forgive me. I'm terribly sorry.

I'll go eat in my room.

Oh, I forgot, it isn't my room anymore.

It's Raymond's.

That's all right. Don't worry about me.

I'll eat in the closet.

Knock it off. You have no one but yourself to blame.

Don't blame me. Felix.

This is an awkward situation.

But, after all, we're all adults.

So at least we can be civilized about it. Yes!

What a marvelous idea! Let's be civilized!

Well, heigh-ho, everybody!

And it's martini time all over the world and I propose a toast.

To Gloria and Raymond.

Let's hope it's not just one of those things.

By the way, Gloria, I love your dress.

It shows off the real you.

Felix!

Forgive me. I'm going to get a migraine.

I'm not surprised. Gloria, I think you and I should go home,

and Raymond, I think you should get your luggage

and check into a hotel. Yeah, I think I should go to a hotel.

No! Absolutely not!

We can't kick old Ray out in the cold

just for a little thing like assaulting my wife.

I hate to say it, Ray,

but I think it's a good idea. Yeah.

Now just a darn minute there!

Gloria and I are divorced.

She's a free woman. Ray's a free man.

If I hadn't come along unexpectedly,

you both would have had a wonderful time.

Take it easy, Felix.

It is easy, Oscar.

Raymond will sleep in my room.

I'll sleep out here,

and I want you all to enjoy your evening.

Don't worry about me.

That's an order.

The ski bum is taking my wife out tonight.

What are you doing?

You slept out here last night.

You don't have to do it again.

Why not? You're the one who gave Raymond my room.

Well, you can sleep in my room.

I can't. Why not?

I haven't had my tetanus shots.

Hey, Felix, thanks for lending me your shirt.

Yeah. Now can I borrow your tie?

Tie? You need a tie? I've got all kinds of ties.

Fat ties, skinny, I got the checks...

Maybe he wouldn't like one with mold on it.

My tie rack is completely open to Raymond.

As is my home.

And my wife.

Take any tie you want. Thank you.

What is with this turnabout?

Yesterday you were playing Othello,

today you're being Mary Poppins. What is that?

Are you comfortable there? Yeah.

Get up!

Gloria said one of the reasons we broke up was my persistent jealousy.

She's got a point.

You're the only person I know who hired a female gardener.

Who ever heard of a gardener named Ruby.

Felix, how is this? Okay?

You chose that tie, huh?

What's the matter with it?

It's the tie Gloria and I got married in.

Great pick, Ray.

Hey, look, Felix, I don't want to take the tie

you got married in. No, no, no...

It looks good on you, it does. It does, believe me.

It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

It's fine.

It's a little tight, Felix.

Well, I'm going to go pick up my date.

Yeah, I think it's a good idea, Ray.

Listen, you have a good time, go out and have yourself a ball.

Go ahead, buddy. Hey, and I hope you get lucky.

Oh, you got a seven-letter word, huh?

T-R-A-I-T-O-R, traitor.

It's a good word, traitor.

Terrific, terrific. It's as good as any of your words.

Yeah, it fits with your other words:

"backstabber, villain, roommate".

Look what you've got: "guilt,

sorry, forgive".

"Boo-boo" is not a word.

That's because I know you think I'm responsible

for this entire thing. No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're not responsible, no no.

Gloria's also partially to blame.

Not to mention Nancy's role in this fiasco.

You're really something, you know that?

Felix, I didn't want to tell you this because I knew

you were in pain,

but you know really who's at fault here?

Who? You.

Me?! Yeah, you.

H-H-Ha...

Ha-ba, ha-ba, ha-ba, I'll tell you how.

You seem to forget that Gloria is a free woman.

Now you've got two choices:

either you make a big play for her, try to win her back

or you let her go completely free. All right.

And if she gets lucky, meets a nice guy

goes out, has a great time,

you should feel happy for her.

You got two choices,

you don't pick either one.

I just hope he doesn't

keep her out too late.

She's so vulnerable when she's sleepy.

That's Raymond. He's back. He didn't get anywhere!

He's only been gone 15 minutes.

It's not Raymond.

Hey, look who's making house call.

Hi, honey. Hi.

Hi, Felix. Hi.

How are you?

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Good.

You all over being upset?

Oh, yeah, you know me.

I roll with the punches.

Oh, yeah, he really rolls.

He's been writing me threatening letters in the word game.

Oh, now, Felix,

I don't think you should blame Oscar.

It's just as much my fault.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's nobody's fault. It's me, I'm a nut.

I blow everything up out

of all proportion, you know.

I'm so... in a couple of days he'll be gone

and the whole thing will be over.

They won't see each other again.

Isn't that right?

What? What?

What's this look?

There's no look. Your paranoia is showing again.

No, no, no, no. I think she knows something

she's not saying. What? Come on, out with it. What?

Did Raymond say something about Gloria? What? I can take it.

Love 'em and leave 'em, huh?

He hasn't left yet.

He ever love them without leaving them?

He ever leave them without loving them?

Come on, out with it. I can take it.

Did Raymond say anything about Gloria?

Yes, Felix, he has.

He told me he thinks very highly of Gloria.

And if he thinks very highly of her

that means he likes her very much.

And after like comes love.

First like, then love!

It's the razor's edge.

No, Felix, the razor's edge is love and hate.

I'd like to give him the razor's edge.

Nevertheless, your brother is determined to destroy me

and marry my wife! She's not your wife.

She's not your wife. Thanks to you!

Now I'm responsible for the divorce.

Ow! Ow!

You hurt your hand? No, my back.

My back! My back!

You take over, Doctor.

Easy, easy.

Put me in the chair.

My back and my sinuses. You see what you've done?

Raymond loves Gloria.

It's not love.

Raymond desires Gloria.

Raymond and Gloria.

Ray and Glo.

R and G.

Felix, you asked me.

Nancy, you and I will be related.

Your brother will marry my ex-wife.

I'll send him my child support checks.

Felix, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll get

back to the hospital.

Believe it or not, there are people out there

even sicker than you.

I'm sorry, Oscar.

You're sorry? I have to baby-sit with him.

How about a kiss?

Thank you. Good luck.

Thanks. See you soon.

Hey, Felix.

Would you like to toss a ball around?

Neatly?

Hey, let's call crazy Rhoda Zimmerman.

You want to come in and make fun of my bedroom?

Does it give you pleasure to torture me?

No, Felix, you're my friend.

I'm just trying to show you how silly you're being.

Love, it can't be love.

They've know each other two days. Infatuation.

Not even infatuation.

So they called each other four times today.

It was just to figure out where to meet, that's all.

So I've never heard Gloria laugh so much.

But you got to face it, Ray's a very funny guy.

So when they walk down the street,

people look at them as if they're the perfect couple.

What are you going to do? What are you going to do?

Listen to the looks of strangers?

Have I convinced you?

Listen, I'll go get the cards. We'll play gin rummy.

A dime a point, you'll make a fortune.

I got to cut this out.

I got to cut this out.

I'm driving myself crazy.

I'm going crazy.

And I'm driving myself crazy.

If you know you're going crazy, you must be sane, huh?

That's a very funny thing I said.

I got to go stop them!

Felix?

Felix, come on. I know you're here.

I can smell your nose spray.

Felix! Shh!

Quiet! You'll wake up the kids. What are you doing here?

What do you mean, what am I doing here? I have every right to be here.

You're crazy to be here.

You're the one who told me to come here.

You said I had two choices.

I made the choice to fight and win her back.

That's a good choice, but do you think tonight is the time to do it

when she's coming home with a date? Why don't you start tomorrow?

Because by tomorrow, it may be too late.

If she comes here and she finds you here,

then it will be too late. Why? Why?

She'll know you're the same jealous nut

she couldn't stand before.

Yeah? Yes.

I didn't think of that. Would I lie to you?

What should I...? We'd better get out of here.

Okay, let's go.

What's the matter? I hear the car.

What'll we do? We'll, we'll...

We'll...

We got to hide someplace. Where?

I don't know. There's so many places we could hide.

Pick one! Behind the bar.

That champagne was too much.

Oh, I had a wonderful time, Ray.

Thanks so much and it's so different

from anything I've ever done before.

Well, the evening's still young.

Can't I come in for a while? Oh, it's not for me.

I have to get up awfully early with the kids, you know.

Well, I mean just for a little while.

15 minutes? Ten? Five?

That won't do him any good.

When she says "no", she's like a rock.

All right, ten minutes.

Come on in.

We had him down to five.

What happened? What should I do? Time him.

If you'd like a drink, go help yourself.

Oh, thank you. I think I...

No, as a matter of fact...

I don't need it.

I-I just don't want to dull my senses.

I want to concentrate on you.

What a corny line.

No woman likes talk like that.

Oh, Ray, what a lovely thing to say.

It must be his delivery.

I'd love you to come up to the lodge some weekend.

Oh, Ray, I... No, I'm not trying to come on

like a playboy, I really am not.

I mean, you're something special.

You may even be the special one for me.

Ray, I-I'm flattered, I really am, but...

I'm afraid there's another man in my life.

Another one?!

You fixed her up with somebody else?

You see, even though Felix and I are divorced,

it's... it's not quite over.

Oh, Felix, Felix.

Well, he's a nice guy, a little fussy,

though, you know? How could you live

- with a guy like that? - It wasn't easy.

I mean, I haven't been in a room

like his since I worked in a dairy.

Oh, well, I know Felix has his faults.

Well, I mean for a beautiful lady

like yourself, it's got to be tough for the two of you

to work things out together.

I don't see us working them out together, either.

But we can't seem to work them out apart, either.

Well, I guess that's my answer. I'm afraid so.

Well, no use pushing it any further. I'm afraid not.

Well, if you ever change your mind,

will you come up some weekend? I will, I will.

Hey, can I kiss you good-bye? You may.

- Good-bye. - Good night, Ray.

Ta-ta. Toodle-oo. Ta-ta.

You can come out now, Felix.

You knew I was here?

I smelled your nasal spray.

Hi, Gloria. Oscar!

Oscar, I didn't expect you.

It wasn't on my calendar either.

Listen, don't be too rough on him.

He's gone through an awful lot today. No, no, no.

Don't make any apologies for me.

She's the one who let ravishing Ray in.

And she was pretty susceptible, too, wasn't she?

Here we go again. "Oh, Ray, I had such a good time.

I never did anything like that before."

You were all over him. Let's go.

We heard every word.

Well, how do you explain yourself?

You break into my house and you want me to explain myself.

This is also my house.

Well? Well, what?

You were hovering behind the bar.

You heard me reject Ray.

What else would you like?

But you knew I was there. Suppose I hadn't been there.

Then what would have happened? That's what I want to know.

Migraine, I'm getting a migraine.

Will the witness kindly answer the question?

Did you hurt your finger? No, my back.

Your back. My back again.

I knew you

knew I was there.

Well, it's obvious you're number one with Gloria.

Hmm.

I played the fool again, didn't I?

What fool?

You were afraid of Ray the swinger, right?

You thought he was gay, he was debonair,

he was handsome, but he hasn't got what you've got.

What? The ability to play a fool?

No, personality. Aw.

You've got that, that charisma,

that magic. Macho.

Do you really think I've got macho?

Of course.

Gloria is still hooked on you, right?

Yeah. What about Ray the swinger?

He's a lonely man tonight, Felix.

Lonely. You've got to think of the good things of it.

Don't look at the bad things.

Well, fellas, I'm all packed and ready to go.

I think it's best that I leave.

Ray. Sorry about tonight, fella.

Can't win 'em all, you know.

Well, that's the way it goes, Felix. Yeah.

I just don't know what you've got.

I guess they call it... macho.

So long, Ray. So long.

You need any help with your bags? No, no, I have some help.

They'll bring them out.

Talk about your lonely swinger. Mm-hmm.

I've left your tie and shirt on the bed.

Macho!

Felix, deep, deep down Yeah?

Is he happy? I think so.