Original subtitles

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Who are you?

I'm Felix.

Who are you?

Martha.

Hello, Martha.

What are you doing in this apartment, Martha?

Oh, well, I'm looking for Oscar Madison.

Isn't this is his apartment?

Yes, yes, it is.

Oh. Whew.

How did you get in here?

Well, the super let me in.

I didn't have a key or anything,

so he said it was all right if I waited inside.

He's a super super.

Is Mr. Madison expecting you?

No.

It's a surprise!

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Hi, Felix.

Oscar, how could you?

What did I do wrong?

What, am I dripping on the floor?

I'm sorry, Felix.

Oh, don't do that.

Give me this. Felix, I've had a rough weekend in Cleveland.

The Jets quarterback threw 14 bad passes in a row.

The vendor threw my hot dog straight.

My ears are plugged up...

Tsk, tsk, tsk. What's "tsk, tsk, tsk"?

You're going to wear the roof of your mouth out.

Does Springfield, Iowa ring a bell with you?

Springfield, Iowa rings a bell.

Where were you eight and a half months ago?

I was probably standing right here arguing with you

about dripping on the floor.

What'd I get, a parking ticket in Iowa?

Don't you wish.

You could fix that.

Does the name Martha ring a bell with you?

Again with the ringing of bells.

What are you talking about, Felix.

Uncle Oscar!

Oh.

Who is she? Who is she?

Oh, is it good to see you.

I'm sorry. Wait, uh...

Do I know you?

It's me... Martha Sloan, from Springfield, Iowa.

Aunt Blanche's niece.

Your ex-wife.

The kid with the freckles with the boomerang!

No, that was my little brother, Timmy.

Oh, Oscar, from my heart,

I'm so. Do the words

"you ought to be ashamed of yourself" ring a bell?

Oscar, I'm so sorry.

I apologize.

God, I... Hey, that was a long time ago.

Ten years.

What are you laughing about? What's so funny?

You were wearing the same shirt.

We used to call him Uncle Sloppy.

Well, I can't get over it.

This is Sid and Molly's Martha.

Boy, have you grown!

Boy, have you grown... sit down.

You're so beautiful.

And you're pregnant, and you're in New York.

It's all so marvelous! You got a husband?

Yes, he was supposed to be here today.

Uncle Sloppy is such a diplomat.

I'll bet you're hungry, aren't you?

You look knocked out.

I'll get you something to eat.

Well, where is your husband?

Germany.

Germany with the Rhine and the water and the beer

and the lovely... we'll go there.

We'll get him. We'll drag him back here.

He's coming back, Uncle Oscar.

He was supposed to be here today,

but the Army changed his orders.

Oh.

And you're the only person

that I know in New York, so...

Say something, Uncle Oscar.

Felix!

I'm here, I heard,

and Martha as far as I'm concerned,

my half of the house is yours.

Yeah, my half of the house is yours...

You can sleep in my bedroom.

Great. Yeah. No, no.

Not great. Don't even look in his room.

It could affect your child.

Sleep in my room; it's hospital clean.

Yeah, hey, listen,

I'll take care of all the medical stuff.

I've got a girlfriend that's a doctor, see.

I'll get you the best hospital, the best obstetrician. Oh, no.

Uncle Oscar, I don't want to go to a hospital.

What are you talking about? You're going to have a baby.

You've got to go to the hospital.

No, but I'm going to have my baby by natural childbirth.

Natural childbirth! Bravo!

What's that natural?

Is that without doctors?

No, no, it's without an anesthetic.

You're awake and alive and feeling every moment.

Oh, Oscar, it's the most fulfilling experience

a woman can have.

How do you know?

I'm a father, I know.

It's really beautiful, Uncle Oscar.

Yeah, but they have natural childbirth

in hospitals, too, don't they?

You know, with doctors.

Yeah, but it's not the same.

Hospitals are so antiseptic.

Phil and I want it to be beautiful.

I want to be fully conscious in a setting that's simple.

Central Park?

You won't remain fully conscious there for long.

No.

We want to have our baby in the Bronx.

The Bronx is a simple setting?

That's where we spent our honeymoon.

We rented the same motel room,

and when Phil arrives,

we'll drive over and have the baby.

Hmm.

Come, we'll eat, we'll talk.

Does your family know?

Sure.

That's why I ran away from home.

You ran away?

Why?

They wanted me to have my baby in a hospital.

Well, it's not a crime, honey.

You know, they been having

pretty good babies that way for a long time.

Yeah, well, it's fine for people who want it that way,

but we don't... not me, not Phil and not Eddie!

Who's Eddie?

Oh.

Look, you eat, honey.

Everything's going to be fine.

Just eat, okay?

You won't call my parents?

No, no, no, I'm just going to get a glass of milk, honey.

Eat.

You're in good hands.

Uncle Oscar is a little bit... excitable,

but he's very reliable.

Here we are.

For Ed.

Eat.

What are you...

Who are you calling?

Calling her parents. Oh.

Cut it out, Felix.

I have to do it.

Do you think I want to talk to Blanche's brother

and sister-in-law who testified against me

during the divorce,

who I swore I would never speak to again

as long as I live?

Hello, Molly, how are you?

Who?

Timmy?

Oh, listen, let me talk to your mommy or daddy.

Where are they?

In Germany? What are they doing in...

They're looking for Martha.

Timmy, your sister's not in Germany.

No, this is your Uncle Oscar Madison from New York.

Uncle Sloppy, yeah.

Listen, do you know where they are in Ger...

Do you know where they are in Germany?

First, first... Who's minding you?

Okay, let me talk to the maid.

What are you looking at?

What are you staring at?

Hello?

Oh, listen, this is very important.

Oh, boy.

Mucho importante.

Donde esta in Germany Molly and Sido?

Look at this... That she can pronounce.

Look, put Timmy back on.

I'm warning you, Felix, at least blink.

Hello, Timmy, Timmy, listen,

if your folks get in touch with you have them call me

in New York right away. Okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's Uncle Sloppy.

Bye.

How about this?

Everybody's in Germany,

I got a pregnant girl out there

who wants to have a baby in a motel in the Bronx.

And I got Count Dracula staring at my jugular vein.

What should I do?

First, you'll wait

while I'll try to forgive you for what you just did.

You're her uncle.

Can't you talk to the girl?

Felix, she's a kid; she's 18 years old.

What does she know about babies?

She knows enough to have one.

It's the most natural thing in the world.

Felix, I used to drive a car with a stick shift,

that seemed natural.

Then, along came automatic transmissions,

I went with that.

There's nothing new about natural childbirth.

The entire human race was born that way

until a hundred years ago.

Name one since rubber gloves.

Don't you dare do that.

All right, I'll name one, an athlete even.

Jim Thorpe.

My Jim Thorpe?

Your Jim Thorpe, all-American.

Born in a teepee.

No anesthetic, no doctor, no nothing.

Maybe some man wearing a buffalo head

shaking a rattlesnake.

Aw, quit cheating, Felix.

Who do I know personally that's walking around

in good health who had been born in the Bronx in a motel?

I-I-I... I-I-I...

All right, I'll tell you somebody you will know. Who?

Nancy, your girlfriend,

a doctor and a woman you trust.

Now, fair is fair.

Why don't you take Martha and talk to Nancy.

Have a seat, honey.

I'll call in the Daring Duo.

Boys?

Hey, Uncle Oscar... It's all right, honey.

Sit tight, I'll take care of everything.

So? So...

Martha is very pregnant

and will definitely have a child.

My bookie could've told me that.

Dr. Cunningham, Nancy,

exactly when is the child expected?

Well, it's hard to predict exactly, but I'd say...

soon.

12 years of medical school.

My bookie could've told me that, too. Oscar.

Look, did you talk her out of this natural childbirth thing?

No. Just like that, "no"?

But she'll be perfectly all right, won't she?

Oh, I'd say she shouldn't have a bit of trouble.

But?

There is no "but." Yeah, there's a "but." I know her.

When she wrinkles her forehead, there's a "but."

You think she'd be better off in a hospital, right? Mm-hmm, I do.

Well, the point is moot.

What does that mean, moot?

A hospital's safer than a motel in the Bronx.

And I know a wonderful obstetrician.

Well, call him, honey.

It's all settled. I'll pay for it.

On the other hand...

Just... Uh-uh, wait for "the other hand."

What's "the other hand"? I waited for the "but,"

you wait for "the other hand"!

There are psychological factors here

that could make home delivery more desirable.

Home delivery is for newspapers, not babies.

Oscar.

Doctor,

what are you advising her?

What are you telling her to do?

Oh, now, Felix.

I'm not going to tell her to do anything.

I examined her, she's fine.

There are some extenuating circumstances.

For instance, her husband hasn't been here

to help prepare for the birth.

So you don't think she should chance it, right?

Wrong.

The decision is up to her.

Well, that's what I wanted to hear.

The decision is up to her.

I'm her uncle, and the decision is "no," that's it.

Now, wait a minute, Oscar. Now, wait a minute.

This is gonna be done normally.

The first thing that baby sees when it's born

is not gonna be a bellhop from the Bronx.

It's gonna be a doctor, upside down.

You said the decision is up to her. No.

Why don't... She's gone.

Well, her bag's gone.

Oh, boy.

Oscar, the sooner we get a description of Martha,

the sooner we can get started on this case.

Don't you talk to me about sooner;

you should have been here 30 minutes ago.

Well, it's snowing out there, do you know that?

Now, before we can do anything, we got to get a description.

I already told you, she's about up to here,

she's pregnant out to there, she's wearing a black...

Is that all you noticed?

Color eyes?

Blue. FELIX: Her eyes are brown.

Blue. Put "blue" down.

No, her soul is blue, because of you,

but her eyes are brown, if you ever looked in her eyes.

Just put "blue" down. Fellas, hold it!

I'll put down blue-brown.

Now, any distinguishing marks?

Didn't I tell you she's pregnant out to there?

Why don't you put out a general alarm?

Oscar, please, don't tell me my business, huh?

Now, how old is the subject?

Eighteen. Eighteen.

Uh-oh.

18 is an "uh-oh"?

If she's 18, she's no longer a juvenile,

so she's not a runaway.

At 18, she becomes a missing person,

and that's a different form.

Okay, color eyes.

Blue! I just told you, we went through...

Brown. Oh, yeah, blue-brown.

Now, how long has this missing person been gone?

I don't know... About 40 minutes, I guess.

Uh-oh.

Another uh-oh?

Well, 40 minutes isn't long enough.

You got to be gone 24 hours to be considered a missing person.

If you're not out of here in ten seconds,

you're going to be considered a missing person!

I'm going to go find her.

Me, too.

Fellas, I'm sorry.

Look, I could get out an all-points bulletin,

but that's only when there's foul play involved.

Well, I'm awfully sorry, Murray.

There's no foul play.

Murray, try to help us. All right.

Where would a pregnant girl who's run away from home go?

Well, they usually look up a relative.

And if the relative has been inconsiderate

and unfeeling, where would she go?

I don't know. Hey, wait minute.

From what you tell me about this girl,

she probably went to the Natural Childbirth Clinic.

Where's that?

It's on, uh, 36th Street and Lexington.

Okay, let's go. And there's two on 35th Street.

And then there's one on Eighth Avenue.

We've got our work cut out...

Hey, listen, hey guys, what should I do?

I don't know, Murray,

but if somebody offers you a bribe, take it and retire.

Class, now let's get into

some controlled breathing exercises.

Mothers-to-be into the tailor sit position.

Good.

Coach-husbands, get your stopwatches ready.

All right, now breathe deeply.

Deep, deep.

Good. That's it, keep breathing.

Good.

Breathe. Good.

Sixth place... She's not here, either.

Shh.

You know what they're doing?

What? Controlled breathing exercises.

That's the most important part of childbirth.

Stopwatches.

Hold your breath.

Go.

Yes, can I help you?

We have a unique... problem.

His niece... Yes, is pregnant,

and she has run away from home,

because her parents are against natural childbirth.

I guess it's not so unique.

Well, could you help us?

We've been looking everywhere.

I haven't seen so many pregnant women

since the big blackout.

Instructor!

Instructor! Oh, oh, yes, class, exhale.

Uh, well, look, I'm having

a newcomer's class in about 15 minutes.

Why don't you just sit down

and see if she shows up for that, okay?

Thank you. Good.

Now, mommies remember to listen to the daddies

and obey them during natural childbirth.

Daddies are the bosses.

After baby comes, you can resume normal relationships.

Now, pant-blow.

Don't worry, you'll find her.

This natural childbirth is the latest coming thing.

That's my daughter over there with Mr. Crew Cut.

You know, when she first told me, I was very upset,

but not anymore.

Like most parents, I adjusted.

You think it's okay, huh?

Why not? My neighbor had three this way.

How are they?

Two are fine, one is divorced.

Excuse me, could you...

Martha. Martha.

We've been looking every... You had us worried sick.

I'm sorry, Uncle Oscar,

but I've just caused you so much trouble.

All you do is argue and fight over me.

That's ridiculous... all we ever do is argue and fight.

We never get along. We don't agree on anything.

We never agree on anything, right? Right? Right.

But I want to have my baby my way,

completely natural.

Oh, I don't need it from the gallery, all right?

I don't want to sleep through

the most exciting experience of my life.

I'm gonna have that baby in that motel in the Bronx!

The Bronx?

That's too natural for me.

They're your friends, and they want you to go to a hospital.

Yes, your uncle is right, Miss.

I mean, I teach this class,

and we strongly recommend the use of a hospital.

Martha, we're only thinking of you, and of Eddie.

Well...

can I have it naturally?

Yes! In a hospital.

Yes.

As long as you're here,

you might just as well get in on the lessons.

Oh, but your coach-husband isn't here.

Oh, you have to have a husband here to coach you.

Uncle Oscar,

would you be my coach-husband till Phil arrives?

Move over will you, I got a lady here who's gonna have a baby.

Let's make a little more room for the big girl.

Come take your coat off.

No, no, no, you're panting.

Like a puppy.

No, we don't want panting.

We want deep breathing.

Now, slow, easy, deep... and relax.

Slow, easy, deep and relax.

That's very good.

Could we take a break, Uncle Felix.

I'm dying for some pickles and ice cream.

You bought them, honey.

No, no, we've got a lot of work to do.

Now, next is the side relaxation position.

We need you for this.

Now, get the pillows, 'cause we need that.

Yeah, yeah, get the pillows. Now, here we are.

Side relaxation. There we go, lie down.

Now, the neck and wrists

must be completely limp and loose.

Limp. Okay, come on.

And the limbs must be bent.

All right, now... relax is the key.

The husband should tell the mother to relax.

Tell her to relax.

Relax, mother. That's good.

Tell her to be limp, rub her back, talk to her.

Be limp.

Improvise.

Give her assurance, give her confidence.

That's the key.

Come on, I want you to breathe.

Now, you got to breathe nice; you got nothing to lose.

I'm telling you... you get in there, honey, and you breathe.

You can't lose.

We're all on your side.

You're gonna do it, honey. You're gonna... How's that?

That's fine for between the rounds with "Sugar" Ray Robinson.

I don't know what to say, Felix.

Uncle Felix...

You just breathe deeply.

I'll help with the birth of this child.

Boy, you're going to need some more coaching.

Well, you're taking this too seriously,

and you're exhausting her.

I'm taking motherhood too seriously?!

Now, deep abdominal breathing.

Oh, I feel funny, Uncle Oscar.

What?

I feel funny.

What do you mean "funny"?

Funny ha-ha funny or funny here funny?

Funny here funny.

Funny here funny like strange

or funny like, like a contraction?

I don't know.

Maybe it's indigestion or something.

No, I have indigestion.

No, no, no, this is nothing to worry about.

I've been a father twice.

I've been through all of this.

There's no reason for panic.

Now, we've got the book here to tell us exactly what to do.

Now, just, we'll assume just for the sake of argument,

that it is a contraction.

Now, how long, how long was this?

I just had the one.

Oh. Well...

then we'll just wait for another one.

Meantime, I think Oscar should call Nancy

and make the whatever prepara...

It's all right with you if Nancy's called,

isn't it Martha?

Sure, fine. Certainly.

Mm-hmm.

Now, this has been going on Hello.

For millions of years. Dr. Cunningham, please.

There's absolutely nothing to worry about.

Yeah, well, listen, leave a message.

She's to call Oscar Madison right away.

If she's in the neighborhood, she's to drop in,

because it's very, very important!

Yeah.

You shouldn't have told it like that.

She'll think it's an emergency.

There's no real rush.

Ooh, there's another one!

They feel like contractions!

Oh. That's two.

She's gonna have it right now!

You really think it's a contraction?

Well, why don't we time it?

Stopwatch!

Time it! Time what?!

Her alleged contractions.

Start it! Start it! I've started it.

We'll see how long it is before the next one comes along.

If there is a next one.

I don't think it could have been a contraction,

'cause that would mean you were in labor.

I know.

And you're not due for a week,

so I don't think it could be a contraction.

I guess you're right.

Hello. Listen, send me a cab.

Yes, it's very important.

Why? Because she's going to have the baby,

and I want her to go to the hospital.

Oh, no. What strike?!

You had a strike last week.

What is it with you guys?!

Ooh, there's another one!

Another one, so soon? Uh-huh.

Well, well... What's the time?

3:30.

No, on the stopwatch what's the time?!

A minute, 45 seconds... What's that mean?

Minute... Well, it doesn't mean anything

unless it's under two minutes, so it's a minute and 40...

Oh, my, God, she's in labor! Oh! Oh, no.

She's going to have a little baby.

Oh. Call an ambulance! Don't panic!

Get out of the way.

Operator?

Operator, we need an ambulance.

Anybody's. Anybody's.

Just a white car with a bed in it.

Go to your room, pack a light bag.

Here, here the book will tell you what you'll need.

Take her the book. Pack a bag for me, too.

Go, go, go!

Hello, ambulance.

We have a pregnant woman here.

Yes, 1049 Park Avenue, apartment 1102,

and hurry!

What do you mean an hour? Why?

What blizzard?

Wait, Oscar, is there a blizzard?

I can't tell, it's all white.

Go to your room and lie down! That's an order! Go!

Go! Hello, hello,

get here in a hurry... This is an emergency!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Felix, will you hurry up with the pillows?

What do you got there?

Chicken soup.

She doesn't need chicken soup.

She needs the pillows.

Hurry up, will you? Oh, oh.

Oh.

Oh, Nancy, thank goodness you're here! Felix, what's wrong?

What an emergency!

Take these pillows back with Martha.

Oh, oh!

I found Martha.

That's not Martha.

Martha's back in the bedroom having her baby.

Well, she's pregnant, from Iowa with blue-brown eyes.

Well, you can forget the blue-brown eyes.

The rest of her isn't Martha.

I'm sorry, Miss.

Mrs.

Felix, I'm sorry, I didn't...

Forget it, Murray.

You did your best.

That's what's so tragic.

I kept telling this cop

I don't know anybody named Oscar or Felix,

but he wouldn't listen.

I'm very for the inconvenience.

Are you a runaway, too?

Are you kidding?

I support both my parents.

Listen, I got a form I...

Okay, where's the patient?

Here, here he is. All right. All right.

Take him up.

Oh, oh! No!

Hold it! Hold it! Wait a minute.

That's not the patient. No.

The call was for a pregnant girl having a baby.

Oh, well, why didn't you say so?

No, no, not me!

No, no, no, not that pregnant girl.

That pregnant girl in the other room!

Oh.

Oh. False alarm.

Where's Martha?

Can I use your phone?

Where is she? Yeah.

Where's Martha?

What is that?

Is that the baby?

Huh? It's a baby.

A beautiful baby boy.

A baby, it was a beau... a beautiful baby.

It was a nice baby. Oh, Oscar.

Look, everybody. Oh! Oh!

Here's Eddie.

Oh, look.

Delivered by Dr. Nancy Cunningham,

ably assisted by Oscar Madison.

Oscar, you son of a gun.

We did it!

Yes, Mom, Phil called.

He'll be here tomorrow.

Bye.

Thank you, Uncle Oscar, for calling them.

You come and sit down.

You've only been a mother about two hours now.

Oh, I've known women

who were up 15 minutes after childbirth.

Who's the doctor here, you or me?

Sit down here.

Martha, that is the most beautiful baby

I've ever seen.

I feel funny, Officer.

Oh, no, no. No!

You mean funny, ha-ha, or funny...?

We're not gonna have another birth here, no!

No! Felix, don't.

No, no. No, come on, stop.

Please, I couldn't go through that again.

It's not going to happen. No, no.