Original subtitles

One at a time!

Hold it, hold it. All right.

Now, let's hear from the devil first.

Why were you all in the basement in the first place?

It's very simple.

We went... Oh! My back is...

Officer, let me explain.

We were on our way to a dinner party.

In the basement?

It must not be a very elegant affair.

Let me explain.

You take care of Felix.

See if you could straighten him out.

You mean, she's really a nurse?

She's a doctor.

Oh, and I suppose you're really King Arthur, right?

Do you think this is the best time possible

for your funny jokes?

Just explain this to me, will ya?

Where did you all get those ridiculous outfits

and why did you deliberately break

the shoe-store window?

Oh, I can explain that.

Officer, officer, arrest that man!

He tried to molest my wife!

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go

he appeared at the home of his childhood friend, Oscar Madison.

Sometime earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

Who asked you to bust in here anyway?

I got a perfect right!

Hold it, hold it! Quiet!

I'm fed up with all of you!

Somebody better tell me everything that happened fast,

or else you're all under arrest.

On what charge?

Breaking and entering, disturbing the peace,

possible assault, indecent exposure...

Officer, could I make one final attempt

to explain what happened?

Okay, devil.

At 7:00 this evening, I was peacefully getting dressed.

I was putting my cape on...

Hiya, buddy, what's new?

Felix, I just covered the greatest fight.

They have fights in the middle of the afternoon?

Not a boxing match.

I covered a brawl in a hockey game.

You look good... I like your hair.

Pick up your coat.

I'm not going to say anything about your cockamamie costume.

You'll go to any extreme, won't you?

You'll be my conscience and I'll clean up my room, right?

This is my costume for tonight.

Tonight? What's tonight?

Oscar, you know perfectly well.

Tonight Gloria's women's club has its annual costume party.

I thought that was tomorrow night.

How could you think it was tomorrow night!?

I reminded you this morning before you went to work!

Felix, you know I never listen to you in the morning.

Where's your costume?

I'll go get it.

Listen, I want to go, too, it cost me $100 for two tickets!

No, it's too late!

The costumer closes at 6:00.

You sure?

Oh! I'll go by myself!

What are you going to do about Nancy?

Nancy? Hey, she thinks it's tomorrow night, too.

No, she doesn't.

I phoned her at the hospital.

She listens to me.

Thanks a lot, Felix.

I just lost a 100 bucks and my girl.

"Thanks a lot, Felix"?

You know I hate to go to these stupid affairs.

I asked you to buy tickets as a favor to me as a friend.

For the last two years,

Gloria has invited somebody else as her escort.

I thought if I sold a lot of tickets

she'd ask me, and she did.

Yeah, listen, Felix, can I get my money back?

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

This is a charity benefit.

Your hundred dollars

has gone to help needy orphans.

All right.

Never mind, we'll find ten orphans

who'll give you a dollar apiece a year for ten years.

Oh, come on.

Only, don't feel too bad if you get it in pennies.

Felix, come on.

Devils don't cry.

Felix, look, I don't have to go as Peter Pan.

Look, we'll find me a costume.

Come on, I know there's

something in my room we can find.

Come on.

Why don't you go as a stale cracker?

That's not clever enough.

I got it, listen... I'll put on my hat,

I'll put a pencil behind my ear,

and go as a sportswriter.

That's clever?

You don't like that one?

I tell you what I could do.

I could wear the bedspread, go as a germ.

Why don't you wear the whole room, and go as the plague?

Oh, what's the use?

I can just see Gloria, dressed as an angel

with a shining halo and dainty little wings...

hating my guts.

Come on, Felix, you're overreacting.

Look, I'll help you out.

Have I ever let you down before?

How many times have I tried

to bring you and Gloria together...

and I just sat on a banana.

Would you believe it?

Ech!

I've begged you not to eat in bed.

Why do you sleep with your food?

Coyotes sleep with their food.

How do you take bananas off pants?

Why don't you call a monkey?

Felix... I could go nude as Mr. Godiva.

Another joke, huh?

That's it, I'm going by myself.

You're going to break Nancy's heart,

you're going to ruin Gloria's evening

and you're going to ruin my evening.

I hope you're happy.

What is it, Felix? What?

You look like you have a light bulb on your head.

What is it?

There's a suit of armor in the basement.

What were you doing down in the basement?

I noticed it when I was

cleaning the basement last year.

You cleaned the basement?

I had a day to kill.

It was a little big on me, so it'll be perfect for you.

Nancy.

There she is!

I hope I'm not late.

You're exactly on...

You forgot your costume.

I didn't, Felix.

It's right here in this box.

Oscar, where's your costume?

Oscar is going to be a knight in shining armor.

His costume is in the basement.

We're going down there to get it now.

Oh, all right, I have to get into my costume

and put on my makeup.

Be back for you in seven minutes.

Good, perfect... Oscar?

You've got mashed potatoes on your pants.

No, they're bananas.

Just a minute.

There...

Oh, no, will you look at this place!

One year ago, this place was spotless.

Stop carrying the world on your shoulders.

Just find the armor, Felix.

Felix, your tail's getting dirty!

Boy, the owner of this place

certainly collected a lot of memorabilia, didn't he?

In my room it's junk, down here it's memorabilia.

Because the owner doesn't sleep down here.

My sinuses won't take much of this.

I can't take much of the honking.

Take your tail, please.

There it is.

There it is!

Oh, boy! Isn't that a beauty?

The knight who wore this

must have corroded to death.

Oh, just a little bit of rust.

Take your shirt off.

Shirt off? Why?

Oh, this has a lot of character.

What do I do?

This is beautiful.

I wouldn't wear it, but it's you...

It pinches, it pinches!

Now I know how a sardine feels.

There you go.

What is that?

It's your collar.

I saw that picture with Louis Hayward.

What do I get a tin necktie with it?

Give me your arm.

What do I do, put it in there?

Okay, here we are.

Isn't that nice? Isn't that comfortable?

Yeah, it's very comf...

A little polish, and we'll have you in perfect shape.

Look out, Felix, I'm unbalancing!

Give me your hand.

You better be quick, grab it, will ya?

Got you.

You look like a million bucks.

Yeah.

Now take your pants off.

Take my pants off?! Take your pants off.

Why do I have to take off my pants?

Because I don't want to get banana

all over the inside of this beautiful armor.

Come on, take them off.

You're worried about the cockamamie rusty tin!

What if I catch pneumonia here?

You're going to put these on, understand?

Tell the rats to turn their heads. Never mind that...

Hurry up, I'll meet you in the lobby.

I'll get Nancy, I'll get a bottle of polish

and we'll polish you up in the cab.

Pants off, are they off?

This is going to be fun!

I hope I don't get an itch.

That's a big help.

Princess Grace... eat your heart out.

Oh, boy.

I can walk perfectly well if somebody would wind me up.

Whoa, whoa!

Oscar?

Yeah.

Come on, what's holding you up?

We're out in the lobby waiting for you.

I can't make it up the stairs.

I can't even make it up a stair.

Give me your hand.

That would be nice, help a person.

Oscar, you look marvelous.

I feel like a giant cigarette lighter.

But you look good.

I brought the polish.

You know something?

You fall, the armor will break your fall.

Just the kind of reassurance I need.

I'd like to break your fall.

Here we go.

The door's locked.

What?

It's locked.

It's all right, I got the key in my pants.

I'll go get them.

Your pants are upstairs, soaking.

I had to get the banana out.

What did you do with the keys?

I took them out of the pocket.

Good. All right.

They're on the coffee table.

Thank you, Felix.

For saving my pants and ruining my life.

I think I'd rather fall.

If we don't get to Gloria's in ten minutes,

my whole life is shot to hell.

Well, you're dressed for it.

Help!

Hello!

Let us out please!

Hello!

Help!

Stop with the hammering and yelling.

The only one who can hear us is me!

It's giving me a headache, honey.

Oh, I can hardly talk.

You can still honk.

Look at this.

Now I know why they never had

a population explosion in the Middle Ages.

It's killing me.

I'll get you some water, Felix.

There's a grate under the street.

Where?

There.

Hey, yeah!

What do you see?

Can you see anything?

Yeah, I see some broken glass,

a couple of empty beer cans and a lot of loose garbage.

This street is filthy.

It hasn't been cleaned in weeks.

Can you see any people, human beings, passing by?

Hey, hey!

Hold it, what's going on here?

Oh, are we glad to see you.

Oh, well, I glad to see you, too.

You know, if you hadn't pulled my pants,

I would have missed you?

Boy, these are deplorable living conditions.

We don't live here.

We're on our way to a party.

Who's throwing it, Bozo the clown?

We're locked in. We can't get out.

Locked in? Yeah.

All alone? Yeah.

In that case... reach for it.

This is a stickup.

Listen, Mister, I don't... Vern's the name.

Vern, I don't approve of this.

Oh, darn it.

And I was really trying to impress you.

What is this?

Two watches and an empty purse?

Come on, where's the wallet, where's the cash?

We don't have any cash.

She told you we're in costume.

What do you want us to do? Carry our wallets in our teeth?

This wasn't even worth bending down for.

Vern, I realize this is a disappointment for you,

but why don't you turn it into something good

and help us get out of here?

Look, bud, I'd love to help you.

But I'm stickups.

Escapes are not my bag.

Come on, be a sport.

Sorry. Peace!

Please, Vern!

Poor Gloria.

An angel alone at a table for four.

Hey, Felix, give me a hand with this, will you?

What is it?

Well, it's the main heater pipe

to all the apartments.

Bang on it! They'll hear us upst...

Stop already with the banging, we're not going to bang.

We're going to overheat all the apartments,

one of them will come down and fix it.

Sometimes I don't give you the credit you deserve.

I got credit, give me a hand.

Turn it, turn it to the right, get...

I'm being dry-cleaned.

Stop with the honking, will ya?

Oh, there goes my hairdo.

I'll probably catch pneumonia.

Look at your beard.

What are you smiling about?

The steam cleared my sinuses.

Mmm.

Would you stop playing with your tail!

This is just horrible.

What time is it?

I don't know, Vern stole my watch.

Don't nod.

I know you think

I'm responsible for this whole thing.

No, I don't think you're responsible for the whole thing.

It's not your fault that Vern robbed us.

Thank you, Felix.

Everything else you're responsible for.

Whose idea was it to come down in the cellar?

We came down here because you forgot your costume.

That's why we came down here.

Oh, yeah, who was stupid enough to lock us in here?

Me? You're blaming this on me?

Nobody's blaming you,

but it was you who carelessly closed the door.

It's true, I did close the door

and perhaps that was careless of me and I'm sorry.

But why is it that, every time

I walk into this apartment building,

I walk into the middle of a catastrophe?

Oh, that's not true.

Believe me, there is less confusion in an emergency ward.

Now I won't be a part of your craziness anymore.

Oh, Nancy... Oscar. Where can she go?

Yeah.

I don't want to discuss it.

Oscar, you stay on your side of the room.

Felix, you get over there

and we'll just leave each other alone

until help arrives.

Again you play with your tail?

What's that?

Just stay on your own side...

Then go look before they go by.

You stay over on your side.

Be careful, Oscar.

You got your wish, Felix.

They just cleaned the street.

Hey, you're on my side of the room.

Ah, come on, honey, come...

Ow!

Oh, let's not fight, honey.

It's all right with Felix, but not with you.

You're forgiven.

Good.

Let's make friends with Felix.

What for? Look how nice and quiet it is.

I'd rather be his enemy.

Dinner is served.

What's he talking about?

Why don't you ask him?

What are you talking about?

A peace offering.

Come on, sit here.

Oh, how sweet.

Nancy, you sit here.

Oscar, be nice.

You see what you find when you tidy up?

1923, Look.

Not a great year, but good. Perfectly adequate.

Where did you get all this food?

Someone must have done

some canning and they left it down here.

There's jam, Indian chutney, kosher pickles.

That's great food if you're a Jewish elephant boy.

I think it's nice, let's have a toast.

Okay, what do we toast to?

A toast.

To what? Friendship.

And warmer basements.

Okay, here we go.

Mmm.

Good.

The piece de resistance... music.

There are marvelous old records here.

Felix, it's great how you changed yourself.

Why brood?

I've lost the only woman in the world I love,

we're trapped here forever... Let's dance!

♪ La-da-da-da-da-dee-da ♪

♪ La-da-da-da-da... ♪

♪ ...We're just prisoners of love... ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la... ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- ♪ - My time is your time ♪

♪ Your time is my time ♪

♪ There's no time like our time ♪

♪ And no one like you. ♪

You know something?

What?

You're cute.

You should see us

when we have our fights, Felix.

They're real beauts.

I don't believe you.

You know, Felix, it's just remarkable

how you've cleaned up in here.

We might as well die clean.

You even hid the dirty dishes.

I put them in the dumb waiter.

The dumb waiter?

I didn't know they had a dumb waiter here.

Yeah, it's right here.

Felix, does this dumbwaiter go up to our kitchen?

You know it does.

It's boarded up, it's behind our icebox.

Does it go up to all the kitchens in all the apartments?

I know what you're thinking, they're all boarded up.

What have we got to lose?

This thing is 100 years old, it isn't safe.

The worst that can happen, I'll knock on a couple of walls,

they'll think I'm a termite.

Oh, no, Oscar, it's 100 years old.

You can't do it.

We've got no alternative.

Well, let me go, I'm lighter than you are.

No, this is no place for a lady.

I'll do it. I'll do it.

Now look, I'll tell you what.

What?

If I pull... ouch!

What's the matter?

You closed that on my tail.

I hurt your tail?

Listen, if I pull the rope once...

Yeah.

Pull me up.

Okay.

If I pull it twice, that means pull me down.

But if I pull three times, that means I'm in trouble.

Okay.

And if I pull four times...

Felix, will you get out of there?

Close the door. If I pull...

All right!

You won't know what it means!

Who was that on the telephone?

Oh, Herman.

It was a man selling magazine subscriptions.

Will you stop with the jealousy?

Magazine subscriptions?

You think I was born yesterday?

I know what you're up to, I read The Sensuous Woman.

Oh, I should have had more sense

than to get mixed up with a younger woman.

Baby doll, I love you.

Don't I always whisper sweet nothings in your good ear?

Hello?

Hello in there.

What, what is that?

Hello, anybody home?

What's going on here?

Hello? Hello?

A little help, please?

Florence!

Am I glad to see you.

Who is this?

I'm Felix Unger from upstairs.

Listen, we're stuck in the basement...

What kind of freaks are you running around with now?

What are you supposed to do, dress up like an angel?

No, actually Gloria's going to be the angel.

Oh, Herman!

When will you learn to grow up?

Ooh!

I guess I just don't turn her on anymore.

Oscar, there's a signal.

He wants you to pull him up further.

Either that or he's polishing the rope.

Hello? Hello?

Anybody home here?

Anybody here?

Hello?

I'm sorry to bother... Phillip.

Ah, Igor... welcome to my laboratory.

Phillip, listen... Good disguise.

We're in big trouble here.

There's no time.

I must drink the potion.

Phillip, are your folks home?

Phillip?

Hey, what are you doing?

Mr. and Mrs. Wexler!?

Hello?

Hey, don't drink that.

That's dangerous!

Don't do that, Phillip.

Phillip?

Phillip, are you all right?

Are you all right?

Hello?

Hello? Anybody else home here?

Science marches on.

Phillip this is serious, no more kidding around.

Come on.

You must not reveal my true identity.

Mr. and Mrs. Wexler?

Oscar!

Oscar, lower me slowly.

Oh.

I'm going to put him on a diet.

Are you being careful?

Don't worry, buddy, I got you!

You'll be down in a second!

Sorry, buddy.

You only dropped a couple of feet.

What did you do, cut the rope?

Oh, oh...

Only dropped a couple of feet.

The rope broke, don't overreact.

I'm not overreacting.

If you say that again, I'll bash your skull in.

Oh...

I'm a doctor, tell me where it hurts.

It hurts every place I can mention

and a couple I can't mention.

Oh, what's the difference?

We're never going to see the light of day again.

Felix, I got a great idea.

What?

We'll go back to yelling.

Help! Help! Help!

Hey, Felix, there's a stoplight out there.

That's right.

And there's a fire hydrant out there

and there's a mailbox...

Oh, that's very funny, Felix.

I break the light, they come to fix the light.

When they come to fix the light, we yell.

Then they come and they save us.

Oscar, that light's 30 feet away.

No trouble for old fireball.

Oscar, in New York it takes ten days to fix a stoplight.

Why are you so negative?

I've stood up my ex-wife.

My entire body is hurting me.

I'm standing in a freezing basement

with no hope of survival.

And a man is going to save me

by tossing a little piece of coal

through a grate at a light this big

30 feet away.

That's why I'm negative.

Just step back.

Good luck, honey.

Thank you, baby.

That was low and inside.

Now he's giving us play-by-play coverage.

Ball two.

Yeah, but I'm getting closer.

Banzai, yo!

You did it!

Oscar, I love you, oh!

Yeah, but I don't think the guy across the street

is going to love me.

'Cause I just broke his window.

Nice going, fireball.

It was so nice of that old man

not to press charges.

Do you think the officer will make out a report?

No, it'll take all night. Don't worry about that.

I don't have my tickets to the party.

Did you lose them?

No. Vern stole them.

What if he goes to the party?

He'll sit with Gloria.

She'll be sitting with a bandit.

Felix, will you relax?

He's not going to go to the party.

I hope not.

Everything's going to be fine.

I wonder why it's

taking Oscar so long with his costume.

Here, let me help you.

Can you fix this?

Oscar, what's taking you so long?

I'm ready, I'm ready.