Original subtitles

Up to you, Murray.

This would be a great hand if we were playing gin.

Be a great game if you played your hand.

A cop just can't get a break nowadays.

Cards, Vinnie.

Will you wait a second?

I don't want to lose count.

It's a real joy to play with you, you know that?

Like playing with an adding machine.

Will you say how many cards you want?

All right, give me... give me two.

Two. Dealer takes one.

I'll bet $2.

You see me?

I see you.

What do you got?

Beat three sevens.

That's what I figured.

You know why?

'Cause I've got a poker face.

You don't have a poker face.

Oh, go write a book.

You know what I hate worse than a poor loser?

An obnoxious winner. Take your money.

Cash me in, fellas.

Hey, wait a minute, what do you mean?

It's still early.

I've got a date.

She won't mind if you pick her up a few hours late.

She's picking me up.

Good, we'll deal her in.

Oscar, appeal to him, will ya?

He's your friend!

I can't say anything to him, he really digs this girl.

In fact, he hasn't moaned about his ex-wife for weeks now.

There she is.

Now, fellas, when she comes in, put on your coats.

What do you mean put on your coats?

We're playing poker.

All right, but please watch your language

and stand up like nice gentlemen.

Who is she, anyway, Princess Grace?

Hello, darling.

Right on time.

I want you to meet my friends.

Fellas, this is Madelyn.

I think you know Oscar.

Speed, Vinnie and Murray.

Hello.

Nice to see you again, Madelyn, I'd keep standing,

but it's my deal.

Oh, no, that's all right.

I just hope I'm not interrupting your game.

What's there to interrupt?

No one's got any money.

Nobody but Felix.

Why don't you help yourself to some sandwiches.

No. That's poker food.

I'm going to take you to a nice restaurant.

Come into the kitchen, I have a surprise for you.

How do you like that?

Poker food's good enough for us.

Gee, that Felix is doing all right.

Well, I'm not.

Come on, let's play cards.

I've seen that girl somewhere.

She works at the library.

How would you ever see her?

No, no, that's not it.

But I'm sure I've seen her.

Will you ante, please?

Felix, you're always luring me into the kitchen.

Kitchen is the most romantic room in the house.

Food is sensual.

Well, where's my surprise?

Ah.

Felix Unger's special homemade oatmeal cookies

for you to take home.

Oh, Felix, that's so sweet.

Well, you don't always get enough time to eat, I think.

You're too thin.

Don't have one now. It'll spoil your appetite.

Just a bite.

Mmm. Delicious.

You're right.

Murray,

I got four beautiful cards, but I need one more.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Where was it? Where was it?

Buy me.

I got it!

It's not your turn.

No. I mean, I remembered where I saw that girl.

It was only last week.

I arrested her for indecent exposure.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his childhood friend, Oscar Madison.

Sometime earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

You arrested her for what?

On a morals charge... Indecent exposure.

Boy, what a relief.

A relief?

Yeah. If I hadn't remembered, I'd be up all night.

Hey, I wonder if Felix knows.

There's nothing to know. She's a librarian.

Let's play cards.

Hey... maybe she's a topless librarian.

You're crazy. Madelyn's a sweet lovely girl.

Come on, will ya?

Oscar's right.

A nice girl like that wouldn't get indecently exposed

unless it was for a very good reason.

Listen, you heard of those off-Broadway plays

where nobody wears any clothes?

She's in one of those?

She's the lead in one of those.

I don't believe that.

Me neither.

Hey, what's the name of the play?

Bathtub.

Well, that don't sound so dirty to me.

I've heard of that play.

It's not a dirty play.

One reviewer said

that it was a stunning reappraisal of social values.

Looked more like a naked reappraisal of social values.

Are you trying to tell me that sweet librarian

is the lead in a nude off-Broadway show?

Oscar, we raid the place every week.

Yeah, but Murray, it's a very moral play.

I understand that they have this huge bathtub

that symbolizes the world

and then the actors symbolize humanity

cleansing themselves.

Nude?

You can't take a bath with your clothes on.

You're crazy.

It just doesn't fit.

I never forget a face.

In a play like that, who looks at a face?

Well... oh, Vinnie, where's my money?

Oh.

We have to go, fellas.

Feel free. We don't want to keep you.

We don't want to rush you either.

We don't want to keep you and we don't want to rush you.

It was nice to meet you all.

Have a good game.

Thanks a lot, Felix.

With what you left us,

we might just as well play strip poker.

Hi.

What are you doing up so early?

Don't sit there. You know better than that.

I couldn't sleep.

Had your breakfast?

No, I'm not hungry.

I'm just gonna nibble.

Have a good time last night?

Fantastic.

I always have a good time with Madelyn.

You really like her, huh?

She's the greatest girl I've ever met.

Wow, that's a pretty big statement

for a girl you don't know very long.

How long does it take?

I've dated enough girls to know when it's right.

It's right.

She's done the impossible.

What's that?

Made me stop thinking about Gloria.

Has it ever occurred to you to use a napkin?

Hold that over the sink.

I hope you're not rushing in to anything.

You know, I dated my ex-wife for six years.

Still turned out that I was rushing.

How can you eat a pickle, chocolate cookies

and beer for breakfast?

Are you kidding?

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Besides, I want to talk about Madelyn.

I thought you liked her.

I do, I do, but I'm a reporter

and I'm curious.

She has no sisters or eligible girlfriends,

so if you think you're going to horn in on that...

That's not what I was thinking.

For instance, like, what does she do

when she's not with you for instance?

She does the laundry.

She cleans her apartment, she works at the library.

She depends on me for excitement.

Oh, do you use her library?

I mean, do you ever see her at work?

Nah, the branch is too far away.

Where is it?

I don't know, somewhere off Broadway she said.

Pardon me, please.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, sir.

Vinnie.

Oscar.

Hey, Vinnie, Oscar.

What are you doing here?

Same thing you're doing here.

I'm here because my best friend's girl

may not be on the level.

Well, that's part of the reason I'm here.

Let's face it, Oscar,

we're all dying of curiosity.

Hey, don't I know you

from the peekaboo movie houses?

Your name's Mel, right?

You got the wrong guy.

Turn around, will you?

I want to just make sure it's Madelyn.

Well, even if it isn't,

we're still in for a great evening at the theater.

Watching your best friend's girl take a bath

is great theater?

You said it, buddy.

It's aesthetic.

You going to turn around, Mel?

What are you going to do?

You have to give this new theater a chance

before you condemn it.

Besides, this sort of thing is making a lot of money.

It's got to.

They don't spend a dime on wardrobe.

See? There's nothing wrong with that.

Look, I think that the actors are holding hands

to symbolize the brotherhood of man.

They're stark naked.

My brother's 41 years old.

I never saw him naked.

There they go in the tub.

What was that?

Audience involvement.

The water of life seeps over me,

but it does not cleanse.

Why? Why?

It cannot cleanse without the soap.

We're all waiting for the soap of life.

I'm waiting for the towel of life.

When will the soap of life arrive?

Who knows?

No one knows.

Wonder when they'll stand up again.

Will you get out of...

Do you know what I am?

Crazy. Get off me, will you?

I am the rubber ducky.

You look like a penguin.

Don't be a wise guy. I am the rubber ducky.

Somebody get the rubber ducky off me?

Relax, Oscar. He's part of the play.

Yeah, relax.

I am a messenger from the bathtub.

I accuse you, sir, of war, poverty and pollution.

Come cleanse yourself in the tub.

Come on, give me a break, will ya, rubber ducky?

All right, stay dirty.

Madam, how about you?

Whatever happened to plays like Timeout For Ginger?

Hello, hello.

Who else will come into the bathtub?

Oh, boy.

Come on in.

The water of life is great.

What's the matter, Oscar?

Take a look over there.

Please help me.

I'm wrapped in a towel of indifference.

Hey, that's Madelyn.

Shed your indifference

and join us in the bathtub.

Oh, but I don't know if I should.

Take it off, baby.

Be aesthetic.

That's what she's doing.

She's throwing in the towel.

Hey, aren't you the rubber ducky from the play?

No, I'm a maitre d' from the North Pole.

Oh, fella, listen, do you work here?

Yeah, I'm the producer

and you can't see any of the girls.

And if you want a program, it'll cost you a buck and a half.

No. I'm a personal friend of Madelyn Waters.

Could you tell me where her dressing room is?

What would she need with a dressing room?

Will you stop with the jokes, Speed, this is serious.

Sure, it's serious, but it's also comical.

What is?

Avant-garde theater.

All I know is this is the first play I've ever seen

that left a ring around the stage.

Another joke, huh, Speed?

Miss Waters' dressing room is right over there.

Fellas, whoa, whoa.

Come on, now, look, I don't think it's right

for all of us to go and see Madelyn.

Oh, you think she might feel like she's facing a jury?

Right. You know, I think I should just go see her alone.

Look, Oscar, we don't want to put you on the spot,

but Felix is our friend, too.

Yeah, but he's always used to me butting in.

Oscar's right.

I mean, if he's going to hate somebody for interfering,

he might as well hate his best friend.

Thanks a lot, Vinnie.

Okay, let's wait outside.

You know, I wonder why she's keeping things from Felix.

I don't know.

But she didn't keep anything from us.

Oh, just a minute.

I'm not dressed.

Yes?

Oh, Oscar.

Hi, Madelyn.

Hello.

Did you see the play?

Yeah, I saw the play.

Were you shocked?

No. I understand avant-garde.

Some of it's serious, some of it's comedy.

You were shocked.

I was shocked.

Well, you shouldn't be, Oscar,

after all, it's a perfectly legitimate play.

It even won an award.

I'm a sportswriter, not a drama critic.

I tell you one thing, I know I don't like the rubber ducky.

I thought you were a librarian.

Yes...

I know. You work at the library during the day...

No. Three days a week you work at the library, and then you...

Do you have a library card?

Oscar, I'm an actress.

There is no library.

That means you lied to Felix.

No!

I... well, I meant... I meant to tell him,

but I-I just wanted to make it gradual.

Well, what do you call gradual?

"Felix, I'm a librarian."

"Felix, I'm a librarian in the anatomy section."

No, no, look, Oscar, I really do care about Felix.

I mean, he's so sweet and he's understanding,

but I just don't think he'd understand this.

I mean... you see, I just wanted to wait

until we got to know each other a little better.

That your costume, huh?

Yeah.

You know him six weeks.

Were you going to wait until you were walking down the aisle

and then say, "Felix, I'm an actress in a nude play"?

I want to tell him, Oscar.

You got to tell him.

I mean I can't let you lie to him.

Oh, you're right.

You're right, Oscar.

I'll tell him on our next date.

Attagirl. The truth is always better.

When my ex-wife finally told me the truth,

it solved all our problems.

What did she tell you?

That she wanted a divorce.

No, Murray. I'm glad you told me.

This way I was able to talk to Madelyn.

I told her she had to tell Felix the truth.

Of course she was wearing clothes.

Listen, I better call you back.

Felix is home. Bye-bye.

Hi, buddy. You're home early.

How you feeling?

What is it, Felix?

Oh, boy, something's the matter.

I never saw you make a sloppy drink before.

It's Madelyn, huh?

I'd rather not talk about it.

She told you...

I mean, I bet she told you something.

She told me something.

It's destroyed me.

Felix, whatever she told you,

Madelyn is still a sweet, lovely girl.

Nothing has changed.

Everything's changed.

She told me the truth.

The truth is better than a lie, Felix.

Not this time.

Her ship sails tomorrow.

"Her ship sails tomorrow"?

What are you talking about?

Madelyn took a job at a library in Peru.

In Peru?

Felix.

Felix?

You're going to mess up my room.

What are you doing?

I don't want to mess up my room.

I have to throw things.

Not the sandwich.

I'm not through with it yet.

My midnight snack.

She never cared for me.

Of course she cared for you.

That's why she told you she was going to Peru.

Bringing the Dewey decimal system to the Incas.

How can you believe such a wild story, Felix?

Will you tell me that?

Not so wild.

The Incas will love her.

Felix, the truth is much simpler.

See, Felix...

she's a naked actress in an off-Broadway play.

Oh, Oscar, this is no time to be kidding me.

Why would I kid about a thing like that?

Felix.

Felix, listen to me.

Felix, she was afraid to tell you.

She's working in a play called Bathtub.

That's the lowest, most abominable thing

you've ever said to me.

Some people think it's art.

Please don't sit on my bed.

What are you worried about?

It's a terrible thing to say.

A woman I care for...

even if the play got good notices.

Felix, it's not such a terrible thing,

and that's why she's afraid to tell you.

You're such a Boy Scout.

You think by putting her down,

you're gonna make me feel better?

It's not going to work.

Felix, I am not trying to put her down.

I just want you to know she is not a librarian,

she's an actress... nude.

You're pushing me too far, Oscar Madison.

All right, killer, that's it.

Let's go.

We're getting out of here.

Where we going?

Visit the Incas.

I accuse you of causing war, poverty and pollution.

Cleanse yourself in the tub.

I'm glad we got here after the rubber ducky.

Looked more like a penguin.

Shh. Don't be a wise guy.

This is dumb.

I was going to see this

with my theater group, anyway.

Will you just watch the play?

Hello, hello.

Who else will come into the bathtub?

Come on in.

The water of life is great.

Hiya, Mel. It's good to see you again.

Shh.

What's this "Mel" business?

You leading a secret life I don't know anything about?

I'm not the only one, Felix.

Prepare yourself.

Please, help me.

I'm wrapped in a towel of indifference.

Shed your indifference and join us in the bathtub.

Oh, but I don't know if I should.

Don't!

Felix.

Don't!

Oh! Oh!

Hey! He put his coat over the best part!

Oh, leave him alone.

Don't hurt him.

Stop it.

Oh, let him alone.

Come on, let him alone.

Let him alone? Why?

So he can put clothes on the rest of my actors?

He didn't hurt anybody.

Are you kidding?

I've got to give everyone their money back.

Give him a break. He loves her.

So does everyone else,

but they don't drag her off the stage.

It's all my fault.

No, it's not.

Raid, raid!

Okay, line up. You know the routine.

Murray. Murray.

Murray, you wouldn't do this if I was David Merrick.

I didn't know you guys would be here.

Neither did I.

All right, I'll take charge of this group.

We got a complaint on a riot.

I started it.

I didn't hear that.

He said he started...

If he started the riot, I got to arrest him.

So I didn't hear he started the riot.

You've got a heart of gold.

That's very nice, Murray.

I'll just arrest Madelyn.

How can you do that?

Easy. I do it once a week.

It's my duty.

Don't worry, Felix, I'll be out in a couple of hours.

I can't wait a couple of hours.

I want to talk to you now.

How could you do a thing like that?

I'm supposed to take in the whole cast.

She's the lead.

You want me to get in trouble with the actors' union?

Who's gonna know about it?

Give them ten minutes alone.

All right, men, let's search the dressing rooms.

Pig!

Penguin.

Mel, what's going on?

None of your business.

Oh, yes, it is.

Why?

Because, I'm the author of this play.

Where's my producer?

Bruce, I'm sorry.

Listen, get yourself another duck.

And I want two weeks severance pay from you.

Look, keep the costume...

Okay, load them up in the wagon.

Bruce, Bruce, we got a hit here.

No, no. He didn't mean me.

I'm a friend of Murray's.

I'm not in the play.

Stay out of show business.

Why don't you get mugged by a walrus?

I'll hit you.

I'd like to give you one...

W-What do you want, Felix?

Do you want me to give up my career?

No.

Why should I look at you differently

just because you're not wearing clothes?

But you're not the only one.

I wouldn't care if the whole world went naked.

Might even be neater.

But, Felix, you and I hit if off so well together

because you thought I was a librarian.

No, not because I thought you were a librarian.

Because you're you.

You mean, my being in the play

really doesn't bother you?

Absolutely not.

Oh, Felix. Then why did you

run up on stage and cover me up?

Just an impulsive action.

I suddenly saw a naked librarian there.

I didn't see an actress.

But you lied to me.

You had no faith in me.

Why didn't you trust me?

Oh, but, Felix,

can't you understand why I lied to you?

I'm ready, Murray.

Madelyn, keep the coat.

You idiot! You broke my beak!

If you don't get out of my way, I'll pluck your feathers.

Thanks, officer.

And you, I hope your igloo melts!

Hey, buddy.

How'd it go with Madelyn?

It's all my fault, isn't it?

No. No.

This looks like

the little theater we had in college.

Yeah.

I played Jaques.

"All the world's a stage."

"All the world's a stage...

"and all the men and women merely players

and each man in his time plays many parts."

Hey, that's great.

No. I played the fool then

and I played the fool tonight.

Felix, in my opinion,

you were the best thing in the show tonight.

Hi, Felix.

Hi, buddy.

Next question.

Come on, Felix, there's going to be a lot of other girls.

If it's for me, tell them I died.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Gloria.

Your ex-wife.

I'm not here. Not here.

Yes, he's here.

I won't talk to her. I won't talk to her.

He says he's glad you called.

Tell her I'm going out, got a date with the actress.

Nothing. He was sitting around listening to music.

Dinner, tomorrow night at 8:00.

Absolutely not.

He says he'd love to.

All right, dear. Bye-bye.

What are friends for?