Original subtitles

Mmm.

Mmm... Did you get enough to eat?

Enough? I got enough for the Los Angeles Dodgers

and the New York Mets.

I take it my cooking's a success.

Are you kidding?

It's better than ballpark food.

But is it better than Felix's?

Hey, wait, Felix is a great cook,

but it's a whole different ball game.

See, Felix sets a meal down, and then he stands over me.

He says, "How is it?" I say, "It's great."

He says, "Just great?"

I say, "No, Felix, it's sensational."

He says, "Just sensational?

I say, "Felix, it's the best meal I ever had in my whole life."

He says, "Don't talk with your mouth full."

Like eating with the gestapo.

So you really like my cooking?

It's good. Just good?

You know, you amaze me.

How do you manage an entire medical career

and still look and cook like an angel?

A girl has to know how to cook.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Mm-hmm. I learned that in medical school.

Should I save the leftover stroganoff for Felix?

No. Felix is allergic to anything

with mayonnaise or sour cream in it.

Besides, he won't eat other people's cooking.

He's so strange.

Yeah.

He was so nervous tonight.

He was like a kid going out on his first date

instead of a divorced man

having dinner with his ex-wife.

Every week is becoming reconciliation week with her.

Does he really want

to get back together again with Gloria?

More than anything in the whole world.

Listen, will you forget about the dishes?

I want to talk to you. Very important.

Where are you going? I don't know, I'm going to be independent

since my dinner was such a hit.

Oh, yeah? I'm liable

to take back what I said about ballpark food.

Ooh, ah! Aw! Aw!

Ooh! Ooh!

I got a pain that only your bedside manner

can make any better.

Who's that?

Well, it's Felix's timing,

but it can't be Felix.

It can be Felix.

Felix! What happened?

What are you doing home so early?

I came home to die.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared

at the home of his childhood friend, Oscar Madison.

Sometime earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

Gloria will never speak to me again.

My life is over.

Well, I'm sure it was your fault.

What did you do to make her mad at you?

I don't know, I don't know.

You do know, you do know!

It was a combination of things.

I could feel the hostility begin to rise

when I pushed the piano

back by the window where it belongs.

Nothing pleases a woman more

than to have a man rearrange her furniture.

All right, Felix,

let's have the rest, huh?

You know how I am about salads.

Yeah.

The lettuce was gritty.

Gloria never knew how to wash vegetables.

You told her something about the vegetables?

No, I didn't. I didn't say a word. I was good.

I excused myself from the table,

I took the salad into the kitchen, and I rewashed it.

Oh, Felix!

No! You didn't?!

Mm, Felix, no woman likes to have her lettuce rewashed.

No wonder Gloria blew her stack.

You went over there to make an evening of success, right?

You know, Felix, with you, being in love

is always having to say you're sorry.

I know, I know it, I know it.

I can't help it.

Gloria is a wonderful person.

But when it comes to housekeeping,

bats keep their caves cleaner.

The damage is done, Felix.

Why don't you go to sleep?

Maybe you'll feel better.

I'll never sleep again.

I'm too upset.

Why don't you go in and brood with your eyes closed?

You're right, don't worry about me.

I'll survive.

Yeah, but I won't.

Oscar, I have to get up very early tomorrow morning.

Why not take me home and then come back?

But, Nancy!

Felix, is there something

you want Oscar to bring back for you?

Just some poison.

I'll see if I can find a store that's open.

Hello.

What is it now, Felix?

I have to get up early.

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am

that I spoiled your evening with Nancy.

You told me 14 times.

You're sure you're not mad at me?

The first 13 times I wasn't.

Now I'm not so sure.

Go to sleep, will you?

Can't sleep.

I'm going to sit out here in the hall a while and think.

Good night, old friend.

Go back to sleep.

How can I sleep with you sitting

ten feet away doing all that loud thinking?

Don't worry about me.

I'll be all right.

I just didn't want to be alone, that's all.

Go back to sleep. Go, go to sleep.

I don't have any sympathy for you, Felix, no sympathy at all.

I don't deserve any.

Well, you're not gonna get any.

I don't deserve it. Shut up!

It was so important

for you and Gloria to get along tonight,

and you deliberately insulted her.

Not deliberately.

I excused myself like a gentleman.

I said I was going to the kitchen

to get a glass of water.

Carrying your salad.

That's very smart, Felix... That is very...

She sure was angry at me when she came into the kitchen.

She tried to stuff my tie into the meat grinder.

Well, you can hardly blame her, Felix.

It's a sloppy world.

It doesn't like people going around trying to tidy it up.

I know it, I know it, but I can't help it.

It's my nature.

Some people are born with... skinny legs

I was born fastidious.

Well, you ought to try harder to change.

And your legs, they ain't that great either, you know.

All my life I've been this way,

as long as I can remember.

I remember when I was a little kid...

I couldn't have been more than five...

My grandfather came to visit us.

That's good news, Julie.

Give him my love and don't worry, darling.

That's right, darling.

All right. Bye-bye.

That was your mother, Felix.

Is Daddy all right?

He's going to be fine.

There were no broken bones.

But it was very bad of you

to leave a bar of soap

where somebody could fall on it.

Yes, sir.

You had no business

washing the sidewalk in the first place.

But it was dirty.

Leaves, gum, hopscotch marks.

Don't talk back.

You're a nice boy, Felix,

but you're a lot of trouble

to your Mommy and Daddy, you know that?

Getting sent home from kindergarten because you refused

to do your finger painting.

I didn't refuse, Grandpa.

Felix, you can't do your finger painting with mittens on.

But the paint was messy.

You're talking back again.

Felix, Felix, Felix,

you're a nice little boy.

But why do you have to be so gosh darn clean?

If there are two things that nobody likes,

it's a dirty old man and a clean little boy.

Can you imagine how tough that was on me?

Not you, that poor old man.

What's the use?

I'm hopeless. Hopeless.

Oh, Felix, you're not hopeless.

Now, come on, whoa.

Weird maybe, but not hopeless.

Come on, I'll fix you up.

Felix Unger is a neurotic.

I like weird better.

Thank you.

Felix, I'm going to calm you down.

I'm going to make you a hornet deluxe.

A hornet deluxe?

Oh, you're going to flip for this.

Sounds like a hamburger for insects.

Are you kidding, you're gonna love this drink

I learned to make it in the army.

You get one part vodka, see,

and then you do one part scotch, see.

And then you do three parts of malt liquor.

And some secret ingredients.

This used to relax me in the foxholes.

That was when I lived with my ex-wife.

I'd rather have cocoa.

You can put cocoa in it, too.

Nothing hurts this.

You'll drink it, you'll relax,

you'll fall asleep,

and then, you'll wake up in the morning

and everything will look brighter.

I doubt it.

You want it with or without a twist?

What difference does it make?

Doesn't make any difference at all.

Weird. Here.

You're not weird.

Felix, I was just babbling.

You were a normal kid.

You told me in college, you were on the boxing team.

You were never knocked down.

I wouldn't permit myself to be knocked down.

Filthy canvas.

I'll go back to weird.

Felix, don't you see, that's your problem?

That I don't like filthy canvas?

Gloria could forgive you for drinking,

for-for gambling, even for hitting her,

but she can't forgive you for being cleaner than she is.

It makes her feel insecure.

Why is cleanliness so unpopular?

It's next to godliness.

Then save it for when you get to heaven.

How's the drink?

It's good.

Except for the twist.

I'm surprised you're still awake.

I've seen that drink knock out an entire squadron.

Except for a couple of chunky wags.

Doesn't bother me.

Give me another, will you?

Another one?

You'd better get to bed.

You have to get up early.

Well, I can't go to bed

till we get this thing straightened out, Felix.

I don't want to keep living with a guy

who's always unhappy, doesn't know

where his next laugh is coming from and...

Sweet dreams, Felix.

Hello?

Anybody here?

Hello, Felix.

Oscar!

Oh, what a wonderful surprise!

I haven't seen you since the day

you were run over by the garbage truck.

Yeah, that was an ironic way to go, wasn't it?

Felix, you know, one day later,

and the garbage men would have been back on strike?

So I'm surprised to find you here.

Last time I heard about you,

you were at the Julie Andrews Home For The Incurably Neat.

I passed away there.

Of natural causes?

Natural causes!

They gave me a glass of orange juice with lipstick on it.

I died of disgust.

You haven't changed.

But some things have changed.

Look how neat and clean your desk is.

Oh, this is nothing; you should've seen my cloud.

Felix, one changes when one comes through the pearly gate.

One hasn't changed entirely.

Dust.

Felix, that's stardust!

Dust is still dust.

Yeah, I'll take care of it.

Well, you...

What's the matter? Look at this phone cord.

Isn't this funny?

What's funny about it?

You never could keep your telephone cord untangled.

You know how that irritates me?

Felix, up here in heaven,

we don't worry about things like phone cords and dust.

We take things a lot easier.

Fine! Good.

Now, as I said, your papers are in order.

Uh-huh. Here are your wings.

Ah!

Look, go through that door, see? Yes.

Turn right at the assembly room,

and they'll attach your wings.

These wings are soiled. They're not soiled.

I can't wear these.

Whoever does your laundry should be informed

about a substance known as soap.

Felix, I'm in charge of the laundry.

That explains it.

Felix, I have the patience of a saint...

In fact, I happen to be a saint, you see...

But you're worse than my ex-wife.

How she got up here, I'll never know.

Now, look, Felix, see what's happening?

You're making me lose my temper and...

I had no idea heaven was run in such a slipshod way.

Felix, I'm getting feelings

I never had since I left Earth.

Well, I can't wear these; they're disgusting.

Okay, old buddy.

I hate to do this.

What? Do what?

Ooh, hot, hot. It's the hot line.

Hello, Adolf.

Yeah.

Listen, I've got a reject for you.

Yeah, but don't be too rough on him.

He's an old friend of mine.

Yeah. Okay, I'll send him right down.

Bye-bye. No, no!

I hope you're wearing summer underwear.

No, no, I love the wings! They are me!

Honest, I love them, Oscar.

Oh, oh, please, please, give me another chan...

Hmm!

Oscar.

Oscar.

Oscar.

What?

How can a grown man sleep with so much junk?

I can't find my teddy bear. Good night.

Oh, Oscar, I had the most terrible nightmare.

Mm!

I dreamed I couldn't get into heaven because I'm too neat.

Felix, if you don't get this craziness out of your system,

you're never going to get back with Gloria!

I told you I'm hopeless.

Gloria doesn't want anybody like me.

She'll find somebody exactly like herself,

and the two of them will live sloppily ever after.

Oscar, help me!

Felix, I don't know... Please!

All right, Felix, if I help you,

you promise to do everything I tell you?

Yes.

And no questions? No!

Okay, I'm going to cure you of your neatness.

How? That was a question.

Are you kidding?

Of course I know how irritating he is,

but I also know he has many great qualities.

The most important one is that

he loves you and he loves the kids.

What do you say?

You will? Oh, that's great.

Good-bye. Love you, baby. Bye-bye.

Who you talking to, your bookie?

No, your ex-wife.

You and Gloria?

Oh, my...

Come on, will you, Felix?

I called her for you.

For me?

Yeah. If I let you call her, you would have blown it.

So, I called her for you.

I-I kind of wish you hadn't.

He throws his cigar in the sink!

So, what did she say?

She's going to give you another chance.

Yeah? Yeah. Even though she's really bugged with you.

She'll see me again?

Yeah. She invited you to dinner on Monday night.

Now, we have to start a program of changing you

into a nice, normal, sloppy human being.

What is this? It's making cereal.

I don't want to dirty the dishes.

That is disgusting!

Oh... You're go...

I'm going to have to wash out this old muck.

You got to get used to this, Felix.

It's part of the cure.

Come on, we'll start the program.

Felix, if I let you do it

your way, you'll blow it.

I won't, I won't! Yes, you will.

Listen, if you go there,

the furniture is not in its right place,

just leave it alone, will you?

I'll leave it, I'll leave it.

Ugh!

And if the lettuce is a little gritty, just forget it.

I'll eat it, I'll eat it.

Once, when I was a kid, I ate a whole mud pie...

Bleah!

Come on, Felix.

All right, don't worry, don't worry.

I won't make the same mistake twice.

Good. Try to be a little tolerant.

I will. I'll be tolerant.

I'll be casual. I'll be generous.

I'll blow it because this is a losing battle.

I can't even look at you drink that horrible concoction

without my stomach turning over.

Felix, stop making those crazy noises.

Nobody wants to remarry a moose.

I can change you if you put yourself in my hands.

I don't know...

Oh, come on, Felix, you promised.

Now take it easy. Sit down. Come on, come on.

Please, try. Just try.

Hey, on the table he puts it.

Will you sit down?

For starters, put your feet up.

On the table?

On the table.

With my shoes on?

With your shoes on.

Put them on the table.

Now, don't you feel more comfortable?

I'm going to be sick.

Felix, here.

Throw this away.

Yeah, I know, I threw it on the floor.

Now you throw the wrapper...

No, not in the wastebasket, on the floor.

On the floor?

Yeah, on the floor

and put your feet back up, will you?

Now throw the wrapper on the floor.

That's barbaric.

That's right.

If you want to get along with Gloria,

you got to learn to be tolerant of us barbarians.

Gloria isn't a barbarian.

Will you throw the wrapper, Felix?

I-I... I can't, I can't let go of it.

Sure you can. You got to let go of it.

Felix, I know you can do it.

I got a lot of faith in you.

You got to think about Gloria, think about the kids.

You can do it, Felix. Come on, baby. Go ahead.

Thataway, baby! You did it, you did it!

Oh, that's enough. I'm getting a migraine.

No, no, you're just starting now.

Monday isn't very far off.

All right, stand up.

Stand up.

Take off your jacket.

Now, throw it down.

Not on the couch, Felix; on the floor.

Again on the floor?

Yeah, aim for the couch and miss,

and let it go on the floor.

Come on.

Attaboy. I knew you could do it.

There you go. Now, take off your tie.

Throw it on the floor.

If I do, can I pick up my jacket?

Felix, we're not here to make any deals.

If you don't want to go back with Gloria, forget the whole thing.

Unbutton, unbutton.

Don't you feel more comfortable?

I feel as if I haven't had a bath in a week. Ha!

See, you're making progress.

Come on, let's go. Come on.

Don't step on my... What, you're still...

Leave it on the floor.

You got to give a little bit.

Come on.

I see your room is immaculate, as always.

What did you expect?

Filth, like on the other side of the tracks?

All right, Felix, I want you to do me a favor.

You've had a rough time. Sit down.

Come on, I want you to relax.

Put your head up here and your feet up here.

Not my shoes on the bed! Not my shoes on the...

Please, no! Put them down, will you?!

It's part of the cure I told you.

Keep them down. I want you to relax.

Come on, relax, while I clean my room.

What other surprises have you in store for me now?

I want you to hold these for me.

Oh, no, no, no, Oscar, no, no, no, not this horrible laundry

you've been saving since high school!

This is like that dream where you have bugs all over you.

Oscar, what are you doing? ♪ Here we go... ♪

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, not this, please, Oscar.

♪ Willy, Willy, Wi-Wi-Wi... ♪ No...

Oh, what a big s... What is that?

Oh, no, oh, no, oh...

Oh, there's an anchovy.

How did that get in there... Ancho-à la-vy?

Ooh, Felix, look what I found here!

It's part of a grilled cheese sandwich.

Come on, here, Felix, nibble.

Buddy?

Felix.

This... Oh, buddy, come on.

You're going to be all right.

Look, don't be afraid. I'll handle everything.

Don't be afraid.

Holy mackerel.

I went too far.

Hello?

I want to speak to Dr. Cunningham, please.

Oscar Madison.

You bet it's important.

It's an emergency.

How is he?

I think he's going to be fine.

You think he's going to be fine?

It's just shock brought on

by a thoughtless, overbearing roommate.

Oh, come on, will you, Nancy?

I didn't know it was going to turn out like this.

I just tried a little simple psychology.

In our profession,

simple psychology is bad psychology.

Yeah, well, I'll remember that.

I just cannot believe

you'd do such an irresponsible thing.

He wanted my help, and I tried to give it to him.

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

I know, I know, I know, I'll never forgive myself.

Yes, you will, he's...

he's going to be fine.

I calmed him down.

Good. You're not still mad at me, are you?

Mad, but not furious. You meant well.

You know better than anybody how it feels to be messy.

You wanted to share it.

Yeah, I guess I tried to share with the wrong guy.

Well, look who's here.

What do you say?

Boy!

I must have conked out in there.

You sure did.

How do you feel?

Great.

Sit down, Felix.

Let me get you some coffee.

Great.

Boy.

Listen, Nancy, I'm still worried about him.

Why? He seems fine.

He seems fine?

His shirttail is all out

and with a lady in the house?

Oscar, relax. He probably didn't notice.

Yeah, well, I'm going to find out.

How you feeling, buddy?

Great.

Good. Buddy, you know, your shirt is open?

Yeah.

You know there's a lady in the house?

So? She's never seen a man's chest before?

Felix, I thought you might be hungry.

Oh, boy, great!

Felix, you got some crumbs on your chest.

Nancy, can I see you in the kitchen for a minute?

What's wrong?

What's wrong? Did you see Felix eat that cake with his fingers?

Lots of people eat cake with their fingers.

Not Felix, honey.

He eats a banana with a knife and a fork.

I'm telling you, we've got a very sick man on our hands.

Felix is dunking.

Felix dunking?

What's wrong?

Don't get excited, buddy.

Felix, open your eyes. Let me see your pupils.

What's wrong with you two?

Felix, you dropped some cake on the rug.

Wash it down with some coffee.

I'm tired.

I'm going to call Dr. Kronberg.

He's the best man I know for this kind of disorder.

Use the phone in the kitchen, will you, honey?

Yeah.

How you feeling, buddy?

Great.

Again with the neck.

Yeah.

I see.

I created a monster.

Hey, let's play some gin.

Where are the cards?

Where are the cards?!

I'll see if I can find some in the kitchen.

Where are the cards?!

Come on, where are the... Here they are.

All right, I will.

Thank you very much, Gustav.

What did Gustav say?

It sounds to him like a temporary schizoid aberration.

Is that fatal?

I doubt it. He suggests throwing water in the face.

Water in the face? You're kidding.

It's usually very effective.

Another milestone in modern medicine.

Forget the water. I got something a lot better.

Come on, let's play.

Come on, let's, let's get this junk off the table.

Let's play cards. I'm sorry.

How's the room look to you now?

Oh, no... Oh, no, no.

Oh, this beautiful room.

No, no. What have you done?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

I should be... Clothes on the...

Coffee... coffee on the floor?!

Well, suppose... Oh, no, no, no, no!

Look, a candy on the floor.

No, Oscar, no!

No, no, no, no, no!

How did it go, Felix?

Well, Gloria... she's... she's got such a vicious temper...

Get out of the way, will you? I can't see the ball game.

You ask me how it goes. You want to hear my story?

Turn the game off.

How did... What did you do?

You started to get on her about her housekeeping.

No, I didn't. No, I didn't!

The pot roast was overcooked. I said nothing.

Good. So what happened?

After dinner, she wanted to go out for ice cream.

Yeah? So, I ordered a hot chocolate.

She ordered a hot fudge sundae.

So? I passed a remark.

What kind of remark?

I said it with love.

What did you say with love?

I said, "If my dress were as tight as yours,

I wouldn't order a hot fudge sundae."

Oh, boy. Then what did she say?

She gave it to me.