Original subtitles

Ten!

Oh. Ow.

Oh, that feels good.

You're in tremendous shape, Unger.

Hi! I'm back here!

I heard you.

You must have had an easy day.

You're home early.

Easy...

Something's happened.

You're mad at somebody.

Dear... Who's "ingrate"?

I don't want to talk about it.

You're mad at somebody.

A brown left eye.

And a brown jacket.

Who do I know who has brown eyes and a brown suit?

I need a nose.

You want a nose? I'll give you...

a hateful nose...

This looks like your boss.

What are you doing

throwing away all the newspapers?

I hate my newspaper

and that is not my boss.

Sure looks like him.

It's my ex-boss.

I was just fired.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his childhood friend, Oscar Madison.

Sometime earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

You're lucky he didn't fire you years ago.

What did you do wrong?

Why do you assume I did something wrong?

Because he fired you.

If you fired him, I'd assume he did something wrong.

I don't want to talk about it, all right?

No, no, instead you'll eat...

The way you always do when you're upset.

The only thing that calms me down.

Look at that poison he's going to put in his stomach.

Pepperoni, bologna, hot pastrami.

That's a suicide kit for a man with an ulcer.

I forgot something, red peppers.

We got red peppers?

Would you tell me, please, what happened?

Nothing, I didn't go to the Pan-American

Badminton Championship games.

The Pan-American Badminton Championship?

That's what I said, isn't it?

Is that important?

Of course not.

It's usually held in somebody's backyard.

We never devote more than two lines to it.

So instead of going,

I called up, they gave me the scores

and I put it in a paragraph.

And? He didn't like the story?

He loved it.

He printed it word for word.

Well, is he some sort of badminton nut?

What was wrong?

You see, the guy who lost, he got mad,

he pulled out a gun

and he shot the referee in the leg.

Naturally, they didn't tell me that on the telephone.

My headline said "Johnson beats Ortega."

Their headline said "Ortega shoots referee."

That was poor sportsmanship.

That's what I said.

But he said,

"Oh, a reporter could find a good story anywhere."

He was right to fire you.

Again he was right to fire me?

You were derelict in your duties.

If you worked for me, I'd fire you, too.

Felix, if I worked for you, I'd quit.

Look at this.

He's home five minutes, this room's a mess

the whole kitchen's a mess.

Have you...

Have you thought about

what you're going to do now?

Felix, I've only been out of work a half hour.

I'll look in the classifieds later.

You're just giving up?

Who's giving up?

Well, you've been fired from your job of 15 years.

They've thrown you out, they don't want you anymore.

Oh, come on, will you?

You're not as young as you used to be, you know.

What's age... How old are you?

What's the difference? You must be 40...

Will you forget the age!?

Just say I'm not as young as I used to be.

Besides, will you forget about this?

It happens all the time.

Okay.

He always fires me, then he threatens

to bring in his nephew, the house painter, to do my column.

But he always calls me and he begs me to come back.

Yes, sir, I agree.

We do need Madison back.

Yes, sir, I planned on calling him today.

Boy, I wish the buck stopped here.

Yeah?

Mr. Donnelly?

Yes, can I help you?

I'm Felix Unger.

I'm Oscar Madison's roommate.

Oh.

I've come to clean out his desk.

Alone?

You're very brave.

Why are you cleaning out his desk?

You fired him.

Oh, I didn't really fire Madison.

Well, I mean, I-I fired him,

but I do it at least once a year.

It's sort of a running gag.

That's terrible.

Huh?

Pulling gags on people

as if they're something you buy in a novelty store.

I don't think that's funny.

I suppose you have

squirting flowers and whoopee cushions, too.

Look, I don't think you quite understand.

I understand that Oscar deserves better

than to be made the brunt of gag.

Writers like Oscar Madison don't grow on trees, you know.

Listen, I...

He deserves an apology from you.

He deserves a raise.

A raise? What are you, crazy?

Offer Madison a raise?

He's already the most overpaid sports writer in this town.

He's lucky I'm even considering taking him back,

the way he slops up the office.

I don't think it's necessary

to raise your voice, Mr. Donnelly.

I'm not raising my voice, Unter, I'm emphasizing.

My name is "Unger."

You newspapermen never get a name right, do you?

You get this right.

I was going to hire Madison back,

but after talking to you, I've changed my mind.

Now get his junk and scram, he's fired.

You can't do that to Oscar.

I can fill the job in one minute.

With whom? Your nephew, the house painter?

Yes, my nephew the house painter, and you're right.

Writers like Madison don't grow on trees, Unter.

They grow under them.

Now get out!

You're not a nice man.

And so we join Sharibeth Gleason,

the world-renowned ceramics designer and amnesiac

in searching for Winnie,

the stray pony with the brain tumor.

You'll remember that Winnie was seen yesterday

in front of an all-night truck stop near the...

Hi.

Where the freeways meet at Downey.

She was galloping along...

How's the amnesiac?

I forgot.

I've been watching so many of these soap operas.

This is about a stray pony who also has a brain tumor.

What did you turn it off for?

I, um, want to talk to you about your job situation.

That's very considerate of you, Felix,

but I want to see if the pony gets rid of the brain tumor.

What if, um... hypothetically, of course,

but what if Donnelly doesn't call you

and you're really out of work?

Don't worry, he'll call.

Yeah, but what if he doesn't?

What if he doesn't?

He will, he will.

He won't.

He won't?

I did it.

You did it.

You did what?

Went down there?

I went down there. You went down there.

And you told him? I told him.

You told him. What did you tell him?

I told him the job was beneath you.

Beneath me.

But now I'm really fired?

Want to see the pony with the brain tumor?

No, thanks, I think I have one of my own.

I had just gotten back from Cuba

and had a lot of extra sugar in my glove compartment.

Anyhow, the pony looked at me sort of weirdly

and kicked up its hind legs and fainted.

I-I leaped out of my pickup truck, ran after him,

but he recovered quickly,

and he galloped off in that direction, I think.

Hey, lady, do you... do you want some sugar?

Are you mad at me?

I'm speechless.

First, penniless, then speechless.

How could you do it?!

Do I interfere with you

when you try to go back with your ex-wife?

Oscar, listen to me.

What do you need this kind of life for?

It's the only kind of life I know.

Look at it realistically.

You're not getting any younger.

How old are you? What's the difference?

All right, for the past 15 years,

you've been the highest paid sports writer in the East.

And with taxes and alimony, what have you saved?

Three and a half cents.

So?

There are men in this town with half your talent

at half your age earning twice what you earn,

and they don't have to follow Orioles and Indians

all over the country.

Felix, don't you understand?

I like to follow the Orioles and the Indians around.

But it's no life for you, working for that rude man,

eating that rotten ballpark food.

Well, the food may be rotten,

but the peanuts are great.

They're salty and...

So what do you got to show for 15 years...

A craving for peanuts?

You're an intelligent man.

You don't have to be a sports writer all your life.

When you were a kid, didn't you have an ambition?

Oh, yeah, when I was a kid, I once wanted to be a doctor.

Ah.

Nah, but I don't mean

a regular doctor... A team physician,

so I could be around all the sports guys.

Oh, Oscar, Oscar...

All right, Felix, I admit it,

it's not the greatest life in the world, but I like it.

The only drawback is you don't get to meet girls.

What does that mean?

Come to my studio tomorrow morning.

Felix, I don't have much of a future

as a high-fashion model.

The high heels... No, listen to me, listen to me.

What? I know someone

who may be interested in hiring you.

I don't know, you've done such a bang-up job

with my career so far.

Trust me, that's all I ask, trust me.

I don't think so.

All right, don't cry.

I'll trust you, Felix. Don't cry.

It's not that. I can't look at this room.

What's the matter with the room?

I'm interested in your friend Madison,

but are you sure he's Harem material?

He's a very fine writer.

Your magazine could use a quality writer.

That's all we have.

Yeah.

Let's lift the test tube

a little bit higher, please.

That's the beaker.

The thin one's the test tube.

That's it.

He does have that mellifluous writing style

that's synonymous with our publication.

Yes, he does. An interesting thought.

I want to get everything right here,

because Mr. Buffingham is very, very particular

about what goes in his magazine.

How's that look? Is that what you're after?

It's too serious.

Philosophy is her major.

Chemistry's just a hobby.

Here we are.

Big smile, big smile.

That's it, that's it. Good.

All right, that's it.

That's good. That's fine.

Honey, come over here. But I haven't shot

a whole roll of film yet.

Come here.

I suppose you've read

my essay on the, uh, Puritan ethic.

Felix?

Oscar! Oh, boy, do you look sharp.

Really? Two weeks ago,

you said this suit was ugly.

You look like a million dollars.

Ah, you must be old Madison.

This is Oscar Madison.

This is Bo Buffingham, the editor of Harem Magazine.

Hey, I am glad to meet you.

I read your magazine all the time.

Even the articles.

Well, I read your column.

I must say, you have

a very insightful understanding

into the psychosexual roots of athletics.

For example, I found your description

of Joe Namath's touchdown passes absolutely erotic.

Football is erotic?

Oscar, Felix tells me you're not with that tabloid anymore.

Yeah, I got...

Well, how creatively fulfilling can it be

to spend your life describing quarterbacks

on the free throw line?

Oscar, have you decided what you're going to do?

Well, it's very hard.

We might have something at Harem

that might be more creatively fulfilling.

Mona? Why don't you stop by the office this afternoon?

Would 2:30 be all right?

Sounds fantastic. See you then.

Uh, the smock is mine.

Oh.

And the glasses.

Honey?

Is he serious?

Oh, yes.

He did a whole issue on seriousness.

No, no, I don't like this one.

With three chicks hanging all over him,

you can't even see the sweater.

Hmm. Let's go with two chicks.

Ah, heavy.

Yeah?

Mr. Madison to see you, Buffy.

Mm, good. Send him in.

Take down everything I say.

It might come in handy for my column.

Feeling well?

Oh, yes. How are you?

Like a haircut?

No, thanks. I'm trying to quit.

That will be all, Hal.

It's a great office, just a great office.

You like it?

Yeah.

It's not mine.

I'm just down here while they're using

my penthouse for a layout.

I'm doing a special issue

on the sexual revolution

that I've helped bring to this country.

That's all, honey, that's all.

Uh, save those cut hairs

for my mother's scrapbook, will you?

Anybody laugh?

There.

Hello?

No, no, I'd like to do something, uh,

that's more important, more significant.

What about, uh...

what about nude astronauts?

No, no.

Better yet, uh... now, this is beautiful.

Listen to this: nude astronettes.

Yeah, it is clever, isn't it? Yeah.

Had some of your stuff read to me.

It's good, boy.

Thank you.

It's good, clean, crisp, to the point.

Thank you very much.

Like Hemingway.

Thank you.

And, uh, myself.

That's why I'm prepared to offer you

20% more than you earned on the paper.

You mean, to work on your staff?

Mm-hmm. We need men like you at Harem.

Excuse me, honey.

I've even taken the liberty, uh...

Here.

Thank you. Hmm.

Whoa.

Whoa?

What's W-O?

What? Wait a minute.

No, no, you see, you've got the cufflinks turned around.

It's, uh, O-M.

Oh.

O-M. Yeah, yeah.

What's O-M?

It's your initials.

My initials, because my name

is Oscar Madison, of course.

Listen, if I'd known, I'd have worn a long-sleeved shirt.

Would you like a long-sleeved shirt?

No, thanks. Are you sure?

No, I got them at home... Brown ones, gray.

Got a lot of shirts.

Well, how about it?

You going to join the team?

Well, Mr. Buffingham, I really don't...

Buffy.

B.B. Just call be "Buff."

Buff. Buff.

Well, Buff, I'm afraid I'm going to have to say no.

Can't say no. Why not?

I want you. Oh.

I'm in conference now.

Don't bother me.

Look at 'em. Good, good.

Ten of the best. Yeah, I like them.

So do I. Tell you what I'll do.

I'll not only offer you 20% more

than you were earning on your last job,

plus an expense account, but also this office.

Well... nobody's perfect.

Write that down, honey.

Gives me a humble image.

You'd let me have this office?

Mm.

Gee, I don't know.

See, I don't know if I'd fit in... I know.

You're a meticulous man.

You'd like to know more about the kind of people

you're going to be working with.

I think you should meet some of your new staff.

Send Mr. Madison's staff in, please.

It'll be kicks.

She's nice... she's nice...

What does she do?

Most of the work.

Leave me any coffee?

It's been ready for an hour.

Oh, boy.

9:00 in the morning,

and he's still in his robe.

When do you get dressed?

Well, Buffy took me aside.

He told me not to come in so early.

You know, loosen up, make my own hours.

What time do you go to work?

I don't know, about 11:30, 12:00.

Will you do the breakfast dishes?

No.

Hey, Felix, you know, you were right.

This is the greatest job in the world.

I'm glad you're happy.

Sports.

Listen, you've been promising to come to lunch all week.

What about this afternoon?

What time?

Oh, I don't know.

How does 3:00 sound to you?

Sounds kind of late for lunch to me.

Felix, don't get caught up in that middle-class jazz...

Eating at 9:00 and noon and 6:00.

You got to hang loose, let things happen.

That's the Harem philosophy.

Where's the sports?

Well, I keep my meals at regular hours.

That's the Unger philosophy.

I have to go to work.

I don't have the luxury of keeping my staff waiting.

Want your newspaper?

No, thank you.

I'll buy a fresh one.

Send him in, honey.

Well, huh?

What do you think, O.M.?

What's O.M.? Oh, that's me... O.M.

Listen, I like the Roman orgy.

Keep the girl on the skewer.

Oh, ho-ho, right on.

Hiya, Felix, old buddy.

How are you?

Wow!

Would you like a drink? Uh...

Come on, what's your pleasure, Fel?

My pleasure, Osc?

Um... ginger ale.

Ginger ale on the rocks with a twist of lemon.

And hold the calls, will you, honey?

Wowie. Wow, huh?

You really like it, huh?

Oh, I'm the happiest guy in the whole world.

Gee whiz!

Is that a view? Yeah!

I'm telling you, this job is sensational.

Come here, I want you to see something.

I've been waiting for you all day.

I'm like a kid with a new toy.

Come here. You see this? Yeah?

This is called a control center, see?

Now, I press this button in the morning,

and a tape recorder starts, and it takes everything

that's said in this office down all day.

That's innovative.

And look at this, look at that.

Three major networks, plus educational television.

You need that, huh?

Of course, you know it's a must in this business, Felix.

You got to keep abreast of things.

I suppose the desk turns into a bed.

No, but the bookcase does.

What happens to the books?

Oh, they're fake.

Now, is this fantastic, Felix,

or is this fantastic?

This is fantastic.

I told you.

It doesn't seem like you, but...

But it is me, Felix.

This is the real me.

You don't miss sports?

No. This is the greatest job in the whole world.

Felix, I want to thank you.

You're the one responsible for it.

I know.

Boy, if these books were real, they would be great.

Listen, forget about the books.

Tonight, you're going to be my personal guest

at a swinging party

that Buffy's throwing up in his apartment.

Yes, sir, right after he tapes his TV show.

We're going to have a yay-yay, Felix.

Aw, great. Thank you.

What's a yay-yay?

Well, that's a yay, and that's a yay,

and you put them together...

And that's a yay-yay.

I don't know. It's wrong.

Beds in the bookcases.

That's not Oscar.

He-he won't go for it.

It's wrong, it's wrong.

He never liked that sort of thing before.

He's not going to like it now.

On to baseball, strike one.

Hartman sets again, paws the rubber,

checks his signal, and the pitch...

It's another long one, going, going...

Nope, it's foul.

That one looked like it was going to be another homer.

Hi, O.M. Why don't you come up and have some fun?

Oh, well, uh, I had some work to do,

and the music is so loud.

Oh... What's going on up there?

Oh, a guy's about to put a lampshade on his head.

We're having a ball. Okay, go ahead.

Listen, I'll be a few minutes. I'll join you, okay?

Okay. I'll be right up. Bye-bye.

ANNOUNCER: in the stretch, delivers...

Oh, he beaned the batter!

And that will bring in the tying run.

Felix, I was just...

You came down to watch the ball game.

Well, the music was so loud...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How come you're watching on this,

not on the multipaneled wall?

Oh, a tube blew out,

and the repairman had to take it back to the shop.

Took out the whole wall.

These guys make a fortune don't they?

Felix, a guy just got hit with a ball.

He was a friend of mine.

We used to go out for beers after the game.

Well, now he was just lying there,

a figure on the screen at home plate.

I-I didn't know whether he got hit

with a fast ball or a curve.

You're unhappy.

No, I'm not unhappy.

You're miserable.

Why, because I'd rather watch a baseball game

than listen to a loud rock band?

A loud rock band that's made up of five nude girls.

This isn't you. Come on.

I blame myself. No...

I never should have got you involved in Harem.

Your heart's still back in sports.

Look, I don't want to discuss it.

So sports isn't out of my system yet.

It will be.

Felix, will you leave me alone?

You want anything?

Just privacy.

Mr. Donnelly?

Who are you?

Oh, yeah...

Hi. Say, let's let bygones be bygones, shall we?

I understand your feelings.

I do, I really do. I've come to apologize.

Look, I told you last week,

Madison's through here, and so are you!

What did you think of my story, Uncle Bill?

You write like a house painter.

Look, nobody asks

a 300-pound football player

what his favorite color is.

I figured it'd be a good way to break the ice.

You know, nine out of ten people say red.

This will never do.

I'll have to rewrite it myself.

How many times do I have to tell you

no more questions about paints?

I'm just trying to be thorough, Uncle Bill.

Morris, why don't you take

the rest of the day off?

I'll handle this.

Hey, thanks, Uncle Bill,

but I can't go home for a while.

I forgot my house key.

That explains a lot.

What are you talking about?

You know exactly what I'm talking about.

I came here to apologize, but you're the one

who should apologize to the people of this city,

for printing that rubbish instead of Oscar's column.

You're right.

I am?

Yes, well, my nephew is not working out too well.

Matter of fact, he's not a very good house painter, either.

Frankly, we need Oscar back.

You should have thought of that

before you fired him.

Now, don't start up with that again.

Tell me, uh...

how's Oscar doing over at Harem?

Oh... I heard he really likes it.

Mm, well, he's crazy about it.

Listen, why not?

It's like Tahiti with all the modern conveniences.

He misses sports.

You think he wishes he were still here?

'Cause if he does, I'd like to have him back.

I never realized how much I really needed him.

That's the understatement of the year.

Well, I'll give him your message.

That's... About his raise...

Now, don't start up with that again.

I'll convey your offer.

Thanks.

Don't be too disappointed if he turns you down.

He wants you back so much,

he'll give you absolutely anything you want.

He's willing to give you a raise...

He said he would give me a raise?

Not in so many words. Not in so many words...

But he wants you back so much, he can taste it.

Is that right? He'll give you absolutely anything.

He'll give you complete freedom

to write anything you want.

Felix, he said he would give me

complete freedom to write anything I want?

He implied it. He implied it?

Felix, what did he actually say?

He wants to talk to you.

Hey, Felix, it's great to be back in sports.

You know, the press boxes

and the locker rooms and everything...

Peanuts.

Especially the peanuts.

And I'm glad Buffingham accepted

my resignation so nicely.

I was a little worried about it.

Really? Yeah.

It was very nice of him to give you his book:

The Gospel According to Buffy.

That's nice. What do you mean, nice?

In exchange for the book,

I had to give him back his cuff links.

That's droll.

You know, I thought I would love

the Harem lifestyle...

Wild parties, the posh offices,

the turtleneck sweaters.

It's not you. You don't belong there. Why not?

You belong back in sports.

I'm glad you got all of that out of your system.

Almost all of it, anyway.

Yeah.