Original subtitles

And so, from Coolidge Field House,

with the final score... New York: 118, Dayton: 99...

This is Scooter Scott saying so long

and don't double dribble.

"Don't double dribble."

Boy, that guy's the worst.

Let's see...

Sports announcers today seem to have more good looks

and personality than knowledge and understanding

of the events they cover.

Clever clichés like "What a catch,"

and "Don't double dribble"... Aren't they substitutes for...

Felix, will you get the door?

Can't you get it?!

No, I'm busy. I'm working.

All right, hold on a minute.

What are you doing

you're too busy to answer the door?

I'm writing a very important story.

It's got to be in by the morning.

Oh, that's different. I wasn't doing anything.

I was only taking a shower.

When you take a very important shower,

then I'll answer the door.

Hi, Mr. Unger.

What do you want, Phillip?

Is Mr. Madison home?

No, he's not home.

Come in.

You're typing on the coffee table.

You don't have a perfectly good desk to type on?

I wanted to watch the game.

Look at the papers on the floor.

Pick them up. Pick them up!

Look, I don't have time to talk to you.

I'm very busy.

I don't want you to talk to me.

I just want you to give me another chance

to beat you at arm wrestling.

Again with arm wrestling?

I already beat you five times.

Yeah, but I can take you now.

I've been practicing.

Come on, Mr. Madison.

Arm wrestle with me just this once,

and then I'll leave you alone.

If I do it one more time, you promise to leave me alone?

Scout's honor.

Oh, you're not a scout, Phillip.

Come on, let's go, get it over with.

All right, let's go. How about a little bet?

All right, a nickel, a dime. Come on, let's go.

More than that. A quarter. What about...

That's nice... take advantage of a little boy.

Felix, I just want to get it over with.

Why don't you bet him a thousand dollars?

You're on for a thou.

All right, a bet, a thousand dollars.

You owe me a thousand dollars.

Pay up or get out, will you? How do you want it,

tens or twenties? Surprise me.

There you are, Mr. Madison.

$1,000, cash.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday, he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his childhood friend,

Oscar Madison.

Sometime earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

960, 970, 980, 990... one thousand.

I can't believe they make play money look so real.

You think I could fool my ex-wife

when I pay her alimony?

That's real money.

It is?

Where'd you get this, Phillip?

From my paper route.

Come on, Phillip, now, where'd you get it?

No kidding. I saved up for 15 years.

You're only 11 years old.

Where'd you get this?

I will not talk.

Excuse me, Goebbels.

Eat some, uh, crackers.

What do you think we ought to do?

Send him home to his folks.

His folks are out of town.

I promised them I'd help the new maid keep an eye on him

in case something happened.

I think something's happened.

You're a born volunteer.

Then call for the police.

For a little boy?

Felix, what's wrong with that?

That may be stolen money.

Who knows where the crazy kid got it?

The only thing I do know

is we can get in a lot of trouble.

I'm not going to call the police.

Okay, I made my suggestion.

You turned it down.

Do whatever you want to do.

Look out, there, will you?

Aren't you curious to know

where he got the money? Of course I'm curious.

That's why I say call the police.

Now good-bye.

You're turning your back on reality, huh?

I'll talk to him. I'll talk to him.

Maybe he'll feel like talking to me.

Felix, if he doesn't feel like talking,

you can try bribing him with the money.

Phil...

come on, where'd you get it?

You didn't steal it, did you?

Yes. I robbed it

from the Eastland National Bank on Fifth Avenue.

There is no way an 11-year-old

can knock over a bank... is there?

Don't be so sure.

Babyface Nelson didn't rob his first bank

till he was over 40 years of age.

What did you do?

You went in with both guns blazing?

Are you kidding?

I used my head.

I knocked over a free calendar,

and when the teller went to pick it up,

I took the money and ran.

Why don't you look at television for a while?

Oscar, I want to have a word with you in private.

No.

What do you mean, no?

I'm never going to have

a private conversation with you again.

They're all going to be public.

I want everybody to suffer.

I'm worried about Phillip. So am I.

You left him alone in the living room.

I'm serious.

I think he stole the money.

Will you listen to me?!

That could be somebody's lifetime savings.

Well, do what I told you: call the police.

You know I can't do that.

All right, then break the case yourself, Sherlock.

All right, let it be on your head.

All right, it's on my head.

That's what you want?

You want it on your head? I don't care.

It doesn't matter to you that you could be starting

a little boy on a life of crime?

Hey, Felix, you're really upset about this.

Of course. You come into my room.

You don't tell me how dirty it is.

You even sit on my bed.

Of course I'm upset.

I'm so upset, I don't care about your bed.

How about standing in my closet?

Will you give me your attention?

This kid's whole future is at stake.

Felix, my future is at stake

if they catch us with stolen money here.

All right, I won't turn Phillip over to the police...

yet.

Thanks. Let's go talk to his maid.

Oh, come on...

Maybe she knows where he got the money.

Come on, come on. All right, all right, all right.

We'll go talk to his maid.

Let her turn him over to the police.

Hi, Alicia.

Ah, Felipe.

Eat food, eat food.

Excuse us.

Uh, we live across the hall.

This is Mr. Madison. I'm Mr. Unger.

We promised Phillip's parents

we'd help you keep an eye on him.

Ah... yes. Alicia Hernandez.

No, Felipe's parents, see, they asked us to help.

Oh, oh, oh.

Yes, yes.

They fly away.

"They fly away."

It's going to be a sparkling conversation here.

Felipe's parents asked us to help you.

Oh, yes, yes.

They fly jet.

Zoom!

Felipe's... madre and padre.

No comprende.

Que hora esta... Do you speak Spanish?

Sure. Adios, Felix.

No, no, wait.

Maybe she knows where he got the money.

Maybe he won it arm wrestling with her.

Phillip's... Felip... his... Ah! Pesos!

Ah, pesos!

Felipe's pesos.

Oh, si!

Phillip's money, Phillip's money.

He left the money.

How did he get it?

He robbed the bank!

I must be losing my mind.

How'd I ever let you talk me into coming

down to the bank?

Because deep down, you're not a bad person.

Deep down, I want to get

you and Felipe off my back.

Believe me, Oscar, we're doing the right thing.

Felix, why is it always "we?"

Let's just get it over with.

Yes, gentlemen, may I help you?

Well, Mr. Larkin, I'm Oscar Madison.

I'm Felix Unger.

How do you do?

Uh, we'd like to ask you a few questions.

Of course.

Won't you be seated?

Oh, thanks. Yeah, um...

Now, what can I do for you?

Well, I-I would like... we would like to know...

Have you been robbed lately?

Believe me, gentlemen, you have nothing to worry about.

If you're thinking of opening an account with us,

you're thinking right.

No, see, that's not what we're thinking...

We have all the latest protective devices:

scanners,

uh, intercoms, pneumatic tubes...

In fact, we've just installed

a closed circuit television system.

Oh, it's a very complicated device.

We're one of the first banks

in the city to have one.

That's very interesting...

You might say I'm wearing two hats this week...

Bank manager and television director.

I'm going back to the waiting room.

Wait, we're-we're, um... we're not here

to open an account.

We understand you have had a theft recently.

How did you know?

Then it's true.

Yes, uh...

do you have any information about this?

Well, maybe we do.

Maybe we don't.

I don't understand.

Gentlemen, uh, why does this concern you?

I've been asking myself the same question.

It's possible that we have

some information about the theft.

Mr. Larkin,

speaking hypothetically, of course,

if the money were returned to the bank anonymously,

would the bank be inclined to press charges?

I can practically guarantee

that the culprit will remain anonymous.

Who did it?

It was... I'd prefer to make my deal

in the presence of witnesses.

What am I, a can of tuna fish?

Maybe somebody else from the bank.

Ah, of course.

Miss Hickey, will you ask Mr. Skyler

to step into my office, please?

One of my tellers.

Mr. Skyler, this is Mr. Madison

and Mr. Unger. How do you do?

These two gentlemen are here about the robbery

two weeks ago... at your window.

Oh, yes.

Mr. Skyler, it's important that you listen carefully.

We think we know who took the money.

Now, since this individual is not a professional criminal,

Mr. Larkin assures me the bank will not press charges

if the money is returned.

Now, what we want you to do is... Confess.

Huh?

Confess.

You want me to say I stole the money,

and I did, and I do confess!

Skyler, what are you babbling about?

Wait a minute, Skyler, we don't think you took it.

You don't? No, now we know you did it.

We didn't think you did it earlier. Oh...

Send a security guard to my office immediately.

Oh, I feel sick!

Sit down.

I had to do it.

It was just going to be a loan.

I needed the money.

I had to buy my wife's fur coat and diamond necklace.

You see, she said she'd divorce me

if I didn't buy her everything.

I should never have married a Vegas show girl.

Felix?

Hmm?

Don't open an account here.

Why won't you talk to me?

Aren't you happy with yourself?

For what?

We caught a bank robber.

Felix, I've got a column to write.

From now on, if you've got something

to say to me, just keep it to yourself.

I won't ask...

Phillip, what are you doing in our apartment?

I slipped in through the back door.

The heat's on.

You two sure you weren't being followed here?

Will you stop this nonsense, Phillip?

We've already wasted enough time as it is already!

All right, Phillip,

where'd you get the money?

I told you, from the bank.

You never robbed a bank.

I'll bet you a thousand dollars I did.

Okay, I'll take that bet.

We just came from the bank, smarty.

It was robbed by a guy named Skyler.

They got Skyler...

You don't know anybody named Skyler!

Will you stop putting us on?!

Okay, I guess you got me. I lose.

You're darn right, you lose.

How do you want your money, in tens or twenties?

Phillip, $1,000 is serious,

but $2,000 is serious enough

to get me serious!

Now, I don't want to hear

any more of your lies.

You won't.

As of now, I'm putting plan "B" into operation.

What's plan "B"?

The code of silence.

Again with the key?

Phillip, if you don't tell me where the money is,

I'm gonna wallop you!

Art Linkletter would never talk that way to a kid.

Because he never met a kid like you.

Don't move, you hear? Don't move.

I want to make something clear.

I am a parent. I have my own children.

I do not believe

in the physical punishment of children.

Didn't you ever spank your kid?

Never. Gloria did that.

We're wasting valuable time.

We've got to solve plan "B."

Well, we haven't had much luck with plan "A."

You know the kid loves to play these cockamamie games!

So what are we supposed to do, get down on his level

and put on cloaks and daggers...

No, no, Felix, we're supposed to scare him.

Call the police.

There must be a better way.

There is, and I've got it.

No, no, no walloping.

No walloping. Listen.

Starvation?

No, no starvation.

Look, we'll call the police

without calling the police.

What seems to be the trouble?

Well, Officer, we have a juvenile here

with $2,000 in cash

which he obviously didn't get legitimately.

All right, son.

It won't do you any good to stall.

Now, where'd you hide the money?

Officer, we haven't had a chance

to brief you in detail.

We know where the money is.

We don't know where he got it.

All right, son... Are you a real cop?

Of course I'm a real cop.

Don't you see the uniform and the badge and everything?

Why do you ask?

Because a real cop would put me

through the third degree like they do at the police station.

That's right!

You put him under a glaring light.

You don't let him have a glass of water or a cigarette

until he cracks!

But we don't do things like that anymore.

But you do make certain exceptions, don't you, Officer?

Not since the Supreme Court ruling...

We'll make an exception in this case.

We'll make an exception, yes.

You, get me a light.

Right, Officer.

And you, kid, you asked for it,

and you're going to get it.

All right, Phillip,

we're going to give you a breather.

You can relax. Men?

He's enjoying this.

We're going about it the wrong way.

You noticed that, too, huh?

This kid's a tough cookie,

Oscar, and I've known some of the toughest.

I think you were right, Oscar.

We're gonna have to scare him.

No, wait a minute, just count me out.

Well, we're gonna have to do something.

There's no such thing as a bad boy.

Are you sure you're a real cop?

I know what we'll do.

All right,

sorry, gentlemen, but that's the law!

What kind of a crazy law is that?

I don't understand, Officer, why us?!

Just put those on.

We'll discuss that later

in the paddy wagon.

All right, son, you're in the clear,

and you can go.

Hey, what's going on?!

I'm taking these two in.

But, why? I did it.

Take me.

That's all right, Phillip.

We'll take the rap.

You're in the clear, son!

You see, we just made up this new law...

I'll tell him, I'll tell him, Murray.

Yes, the prisoner will tell you.

You see, there's this new law in New York

that any adult that knows about a crime...

And the key word is "adult."

any adult that knows about a crime

that was committed by a child...

Then he will be tried for that crime

until that crime is solved!

Are they going to arrest Alicia, too?

Who's Alicia?

His Spanish maid, but don't try to arrest her.

It'll take hours.

She's a foreign adult.

The key word there is foreign.

No, you've got us.

Take us in.

We'll have to take the rap.

Forward our mail to Sing Sing, will you, Phillip?

All right, come on, let's go.

But wait!

They're innocent!

I can explain about the money!

Oh, we wouldn't want you to be a stool pigeon, Phillip.

I found it on the way home

in a black garbage can with a red top

behind an old brownstone.

That's all right, son. You're in the clear.

Okay, come on, let's go. I'm taking you in.

Wait a minute, will you? He's telling the truth.

He is? Yes, I am.

Of course he is.

Explain it slowly, Phillip.

Well, you see,

I was on my way home from school,

and there was this black garbage can

with a red top...

Listen, if this kid has sent us

on another wild goose chase, I'm...

A black garbage can with a red top?

This time, we're on the right wild goose chase.

He was scared.

So was I when Murray couldn't find the key to the handcuffs.

Red with a black, or black with a red top?

No, black with a red top, that's it.

This must be the can.

I feel like I'm in a burlesque skit.

"This must be the can."

Yick! Disgusting.

No wonder garbage men are always going on strike.

Well...

let's go in and start asking questions.

Felix, you can't go knocking on doors,

ask strangers if they lost $2,000.

Why not?

Because everybody in New York would say yes.

I would.

Guess you're right.

Well, what'll we do?

We have to wait, see who uses that garbage can.

Ever occur to you

that today may not be garbage day?

Felix, in New York, every day is garbage day.

How can you sit here in all this garbage?

I got tired standing.

And besides, I learned something

very important sitting here.

I'll bet. What'd you learn?

Rats have a tough life.

Here comes somebody.

Isn't that unbelievable?

Yeah.

I liked the first hat better.

Two hours in this place.

My nose is paralyzed.

See if they put some money in there.

You see. You're the one who likes garbage.

No money.

Fellas? Gentlemen.

Don't mug us.

We don't want to mug you.

No, we want to talk to you about your garbage.

Well, you're pretty well-dressed for garbage men.

We're not garbage men.

My name is Felix Unger, and this is my friend

and roommate Oscar Madison.

How do you do?

Well.

My name is Max Turner,

and this is my friend and roommate Sam Mitchell.

Nice to know you.

Listen, we want to talk to you fellas.

Talk? All right, go ahead.

Well, we were wondering...

Could we talk someplace else?

Do we have to stand here among garbage?

I don't like that.

What's wrong with garbage?

Yeah, what's wrong with garbage?

Yeah.

That's all right, son,

I don't like garbage, either.

Let's go up to our apartment and talk.

Right this way.

Thank you.

Yeah, we want you to see our place.

Take a good look around.

This is what your room's going to look like

in a couple of years.

Anybody want a beer?

No, thank you. Yes, I'd like one, thank you.

Don't forget to use the coasters, Sam.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Now, what can we do for you boys?

We have reason to believe, uh,

that you may have lost something.

Did you hear that, Sam?

Get your feet off the coffee table!

Why? I brushed them off before I came into the room.

Look, maybe we should be more specific.

Have you lost a large sum of money lately?

Neither one of us have a large sum of money.

We have been paying alimony for the last 35 years.

35 years?

Divorce knows no age.

What money we do have is kept

in this little cabinet over here.

Yep.

Garbage!

You... It's garbage.

You threw away our money?

I must have made that mistake

when I was cleaning.

You see?

I've told you not to clean up all the time.

There's a place for everything, and everything in its place,

except our money.

Our money is down in the city dump!

For 35 years, I've been trying

to get him to stop cleaning up!

It's like living

with a human vacuum cleaner!

If you'd ever learn

to pick up after yourself...

I think this belongs to you gentlemen.

Yeah, we found it in the garbage.

I'm glad you honest people found it.

My wife would kill me

if I sent her garbage instead of alimony.

I once did.

How can we ever thank you?

We deserve none of the credit.

It was found by a little boy who lives next door to us.

Well, I think he should get a reward.

A big one.

Yeah. Huh?

Excuse me.

Huh?

Why, are you... are you sure

that isn't too much?

Well, it's well-deserved.

All right.

I'll help you, Sam.

That silver is awfully heavy.

Hey, maybe we're going to get a reward.

Be still!

Now, you'll see that the lad gets this

all right, now? What is it?

Silver foil.

We've been saving it for the last 35 years.

Yeah, and it's almost impossible

to get this quality silver foil anymore,

since Lucky Strike went to war.

Do you think he'll like it?

Oh, he'll be first kid on the block to have one.

Very thoughtful gift.

You know, it's so big,

we had to give it a room of its own.

Okay, shall we start?

Yeah.

Uh, you push; I'll pull.

Remind you of anybody you know?

No.

Hold it! Wait, whoa, whoa!

God, you scared me to death!

What's the matter with you?

What are you doing? Remember our deal?

We weren't going to throw any garbage out

till we checked it over together here!

I checked this garbage with a microscope.

It's legitimate garbage.

Then you don't mind if I check it out myself?

Uh-huh. Carrot.

Not valuable.

All right, down we go in there.

There's an empty oatmeal box.

Not valuable.

I agree with that.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, there we go.

Hold it.

What about that? A bottle.

No value... No deposit, no return.

You win that one.

Felix, you were going

to throw out my lucky sneaker?!

That's a worthless, smelly old sneaker

with a hole in it.

That's what makes it lucky!

My bunion sticks out...

I kick all the field goals!

You're going to keep it?

Sure, I'm going to keep it.

Uh-huh. What about this, buddy?

A used paper napkin is valuable?

Oh, what about that?

"Lena Molinari, 28..."

Is that the one with the beautiful...?

That's the one with the beautiful, yeah.

That's valuable. That's valuable.