Original subtitles

I'm going fishing.

Yeah, the "Trout and Stream" editor at the paper,

he lent me his cabin for the weekend up in the mountains.

Oh, I'm gonna be all alone.

No sports column, no Felix, no alimony.

No, Felix isn't coming.

He hates the mountains.

Hi, Felix.

Mother nature makes him sneeze.

Besides, it'll be good for me to be alone for a while.

Did you take a wrong turn?

No, I needed a moment alone.

With your coat?

What's the matter?

I just saw my ex-wife.

Why did you go to see Gloria?

I went over to her house to deliver her alimony check.

You went to deliver her alimony check

in person?

Felix, I wouldn't deliver

Blanche's alimony check.

I even blur the address when I mail it.

Blanche lives in California.

What's your hat doing there?

Yeah, but that's not the point, Felix.

The point is that Gloria's seeing another man.

What do you think of that?

What's to think?

You're separated.

Felix.

Felix?

I don't want to talk about it.

So she had a date this one time.

You know what her date called her?

"Honey."

Felix, why did you torture yourself

by hanging around the house to meet him?

I didn't hang around the house.

I hid in the bushes.

Felix, you've got to stop putting yourself

through all this agony and all this jealousy.

Now nobody wants to see you

get back with Gloria more than I do.

But you can't keep letting her bring you down.

An ex-wife is not something you can neatly tuck away

in the back of your mind.

If anybody can tuck it away neatly, Felix, it's you.

Come on, buddy, it'll work out.

Everything does.

You'll cheer up.

You won't cheer up.

You're doing it to me again, you know that, Felix?

How am I supposed to go up and relax in the mountains,

you lying here with your face down?

Don't worry about me.

If I do anything rash, I'll leave you a note.

I can't leave you like this.

You're coming up to the mountains with me.

You want to go up there alone.

So we'll have a lot of laughs.

We'll keep score on how many things you're allergic to.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his childhood friend, Oscar Madison.

Sometime earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

Here's a nice drawer I cleaned for you.

Look at that, he just throws stuff in.

Forget about this, Felix.

Think about the great outdoors,

rippling lakes, fresh air.

Dirt, dirt.

Bless you.

You're the one that should love this.

Pure, clean, fresh air.

You call this clean?

So it's a little rustic.

To you, a garbage scow is rustic.

Abraham Lincoln lived like this.

That's why he wanted to be president so much,

so he could move.

Felix, where's your pioneer spirit?

Didn't you ever fight the elements?

Yeah, and they always beat me badly, too.

I'm sorry.

I'm being terrible, huh?

Yes, you are.

Come on, I want you to enjoy yourself.

Would you be happy

if I let you dust a little?

I didn't bring any dust cloths.

Here, use my support hose.

I'll be different.

I'll be a regular Daniel Boone.

He was such a messy dresser...

That sloppy buckskin,

always chewing on a dirty twig.

What are you doing?

Brushing my teeth.

On your knees?

This is the only outlet

in the whole cabin.

That is the ugliest thing I've ever seen.

He probably shot it.

Who would shoot paper-mache?

It's decor.

I can't even look at the thing.

What did he use for a mating call?

The rustle of paper?

That was a great dinner.

Real mountain cooking.

It's fun cooking out of a can.

Makes me feel like Davy Crockett.

You like Davy Crockett better than Daniel Boone?

Yeah... history has it

that he was an excellent cook.

Davy Crockett?

Come on, Felix.

And despite what happened at the Alamo,

his specialty was Mexican food.

Bless you.

Hey, in between sneezes, you can laugh.

Well, I don't want to ruin your weekend.

It's not so bad up here.

I have plenty of tissues.

That's the way I want to hear you talk.

You know, Felix, I don't even know

if I'm going to be able to get some sleep.

I'm as excited as a kid.

I set the alarm for 5:00,

'cause I hear the fish are biting like crazy.

What is it, Felix?

You know I've got to sleep down here.

I thought you'd rather sleep up there...

Better for your sinuses.

Better for my sinuses, but worse for my ears.

They get plugged up.

Okay, Felix.

If your ears are plugged up,

you won't be able to hear the fish bite.

Is that the alarm?

No, just a sneeze.

Go back to sleep. Go back to sleep.

Don't forget to wake me up at 5:00.

It's after 5:00.

Yeah, what time is it?

It's 10:30.

10:30?

10:30!

10:30!

I told you to wake me up.

You were sleeping so peacefully.

You need the rest.

You came up here for rest.

I can always rest. I can always sleep!

I wanted to go fishing!

Why can't you go fishing now?

Because all the fish are asleep now.

Maybe I'll be lucky,

maybe I'll catch one that has insomnia.

You were going to wake me up.

Sorry.

Where are my worms?

I freed them.

You what?!

Well, they were so miserable in that can

all twisted up together.

I threw them out in the woods

where they belong.

They were born free.

Worms are not born free!

They're born to be put on a hook!

I can't stand to see any little creatures suffer.

I'd like to see...

I'd like to see you suffer.

You should be ashamed deep in your soul,

talking to me like that.

I'm going fishing, that's what I'm doing.

I'm going fishing...

Aha! God punished you.

Will you cut that out?

I'm sorry, Felix.

I shouldn't have got mad at you.

Well, I'm sorry if your vacation is spoiled,

but you don't have to try to kill me.

At least the rain has stopped my sneezing.

Hey, you cleaned up the cabin.

Where'd you find the time?

I moved fast.

A rat was chasing me.

Felix, we're going to have a good time.

What would you like to do?

Anything. Anything at all.

You know me, I'm game for anything.

What do you want to do?

Well, what are you reading?

Shakespeare.

I found a volume here.

I think you have a very literate fishing editor.

"But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

"It is the east and Juliet is the sun.

"Arise... That's not fun.

I think it's fun.

I used to read Shakespeare to Gloria.

Oh, Felix, now don't go down in the sewer again, will ya?

Tell me a joke.

A joke?

A joke, a joke.

There were two guys in a bar, see, and they were talking.

And the first guy says, "I've got laryngitis, see?"

Now the second guy says, "Hey, when I have laryngitis,

"I go home, I tell my wife, and she gives me hugs and kisses

"and she whispers sweet nothings in my ear and it goes away.

You ought to try it sometime."

And the first guy says, "Okay, what's your address?"

Doesn't make sense.

What doesn't make sense?

How would hugging and kissing

and sweet nothings cure his laryngitis?

I don't know how hugging and kissing...

I don't know!

You're not supposed to analyze a joke, Felix.

You laugh at a joke!

Tell me a funny one and I'll laugh at it.

You can hang by your nose till I tell you another joke!

What kind of reaction is that?

Why does nothingness...?

I give up.

Can't cheer you up.

You're worse than a soap opera.

Yeah, here we are, like two guys

stranded on a desert island.

So where's the beautiful girl

that's supposed to be washed ashore?

You see how upset I am?

I just saw a mirage.

Beautiful girl, had a blue thing

and a yellow sailor hat... Hi.

Hi.

You're not a mirage?

What?

Come in, come in, come in.

Oh, listen, I'm awful sorry to bother you.

I know everyone says that, but I really am sorry.

Oh, it's no bother, no bother at all.

I'm Julie Thompson.

Hi. I'm Oscar Madison.

My friend, Felix Unger. How do you do?

I suppose you're wondering

what I'm doing here.

Yeah, I am. What are you doing here?

Well, you see, I was on this nature excursion

with three other girls

and we got caught in the downpour.

Three other girls?

You see, we tried to make it back,

but the bridge was out so I took a chance

and came running on ahead

to see if I could find some shelter.

You found it, Julie, you found it.

It is simply pouring out here.

I hope those other girls are all right.

Oh, I'm sure they are.

They're just down the road.

I better go get them.

Oh, no, no, I wouldn't think of it.

You're liable to catch cold.

That's true... no, I insist.

Oh, no, I insist.

Listen, I know exactly where they are.

I'll just be a minute.

Okay. Thanks.

Felix... you, me and four chicks!

Are you sure this won't be an inconvenience?

Oh, absolutely not an inconvenience.

You're both very sweet.

Thanks.

You talk about luck!

You call this luck?

I call it depression.

She made me think of Gloria.

Are you crazy, Felix?

This is exactly what you need:

Another girl to take your mind off Gloria.

I tell you what, I'll give you the pick of the three.

I'll take Julie.

I don't want my pick... I want Gloria.

Felix, they're here.

Come on, cheer up, will you?

Remember, I got Julie.

You got Julie.

You probably have Gloria.

She dates everybody.

Hurry up, girls.

Girls...

These gentlemen are going to put us up

until the rain stops.

This is Mr. Madison and Mr. Unger.

This is Bunny, Cindy and Lois.

Hi.

Come on over by the fire.

What's the matter with you?

Now I'm depressed.

I finally found a beautiful girl in this wilderness

and she comes up here with the Brady Bunch.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Cheer up.

Put on your happy hat.

What's a happy hat?

How are you, girls?

Happy hat?

Hey, how do you like our cabin?

Oh, it's groovy.

Having fun?

No, I'm bored.

How about a game of charades?

Yech!

That's for squares.

Hey... whose camera is this?

Miss Thompson,

Cindy is touching the man's things.

That's all right.

I'm a photographer.

Is it a good job?

It's a jungle... but I love it.

You're a very quiet little girl.

Don't you want to look at my camera?

No, thank you.

I'd rather look at this book.

May I?

Sure.

Thank you.

She reads all the time.

She's weird.

She never plays with anybody.

We all hate her.

Why, that's terrible.

Wait till you get to know her.

You'll hate her, too.

Maybe she's lonely.

I'm not.

I have a boyfriend.

You see?

I carry his tooth around my neck.

That's very romantic.

You have a girlfriend?

Yes.

What's her name?

Gloria... I call her Gloria.

Mr. Unger is a great photographer.

He's going to take your picture later.

You look sad, Felix.

Could I talk to you for a minute alone?

Oh, sure, yeah.

What's in the kitchen?

Where you going?

Nothing's in the kitchen.

Nothing's in the kitchen.

Mr. Unger's going to put on his happy hat and entertain you.

Read something funny in Shakespeare to them.

I'll try.

Julie, I'm gonna level with you

because you seem like very considerate person.

I love helping my fellow man.

I could tell that about you when we met.

Well, I know somebody that really needs your help.

Oscar, I sense a come-on.

Well, I bet you never heard one like this before.

I want you to convince Felix that he's lucky in love.

I don't want you to really throw yourself at him.

Just kind of throw yourself at him.

Now wait a minute, I love helping people,

I mean, I really do, but I draw the line...

Shush, will you?

Julie, wow!

I just want you to talk to him.

The man is depressed.

Yeah, I noticed.

I hope it's not because of us.

Oh, no, no, no, it's his ex-wife,

and with him, it's a catastrophe.

See, he's very emotional.

Do you know to this very day, he still mopes

on the anniversary

of Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds' divorce.

They were a cute couple.

"How silver sweet sound lovers' tongues by night

"like softest music to attending ears.

"Romeo?"

"My sweet."

"At what o'clock tomorrow, shall I send to thee?"

"At the hour of 9:00."

"I will not fail.

"'Tis 20 years till then.

I have forgot why I did call thee back."

"Let me stand here till thou remember it."

That was beautiful.

Beautiful?

That was sad.

Do you realize

that guy is laughing on the outside,

but he's crying on the inside?

Come here, Julie.

Julie, he needs a woman to talk to.

Okay, okay, I'll volunteer.

You will?

Yeah. I know this sounds silly,

but I really do love helping people.

And I can tell that man out there needs help.

You're a great humanitarian, Julie.

Oscar, this was your idea.

I think I just cut my throat.

You know, you're very good, Bunny.

You show real feeling as an actress.

Thank you.

I still think she's weird.

I don't.

I think you're a little weird, too.

Miss Thompson!

Cindy just insulted the man again.

That's all right.

I'm used to it.

Mr. Unger, I think you're a great actor.

Better than Bobby Sherman.

Okay, come on, girls.

Let's feed the fire.

I don't want to.

Who asked you?

Hey, would you like to try on my new fishing cap?

The one with all the colorful hooks in it?

I, uh, couldn't help overhearing

your little scene with Bunny.

You're really quite good.

Thank you, thank you.

I enjoy tragedies.

I want to double-cut them

after you finish shuffling.

My first real job,

the first job I ever made any money from

was photographing our high school graduating class.

Then I moved on and started doing junior colleges, you know.

That's where I met my ex-wife.

But that's another story.

Well, I think that's fascinating.

Listen... the rain stopped.

Oh, come on, let's go outside.

Show me how to set up a shot.

Can I go, too?

Oh, no, Bunny.

Aw, please?

Mr. Unger and I want to be alone for a few moments.

Mr. Madison's going to take care of you.

This isn't right.

You wanted to be with Julie.

Forget it.

Listen, it's obvious she digs you.

That happy hat routine must work.

You see, we have all kinds of modern lighting techniques,

but we haven't been able to beat mother nature,

who supplies only one source of light.

Felix, I really don't want to talk about photography.

I'd rather talk about you.

I was just getting rolling.

Oh, come on now, I know something is bothering you.

Oscar's a good friend, but he's got a big mouth.

Now he knew you were down

so he just asked me to cheer you up.

You really want to talk?

Sure... come on, let's sit down and talk.

Ow!

I'm bored.

Kids don't laugh at that kind of junk anymore.

It's not what's happening.

You should watch Sesame Street, Oscar.

Okay, wait till you see my impression.

You'll guess who this is in a second.

Wait till you see... All right, ready, here we go.

I'm gonna go feed the chickens

and then I got to feed the cows

and then I'm gonna milk the cows

and then I'm gonna go down and see my old friend, Cooper.

Donald Duck?

That ain't Donald Duck, it's Walter Brennan!

Don't you remember Walter Brennan?

With the shoulders and the leg?

And look at me trying to explain to them who Walter Brennan is.

Felix is out there with a beautiful blonde

and I'm in here getting bad reviews.

When I went to Gloria's

to deliver the alimony check...

You deliver your alimony check?

That's when I saw her with another man

and got jealous.

I know the break-up was my fault.

I'm compulsively neat,

I have a million allergies...

I thought I'd outgrown jealousy.

Oh, I don't think any of us ever outgrows jealousy.

In fact, I can see Oscar

jealously watching us from the cabin.

What are you staring at, Mr. Madison?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Hey, girls, I've got a great idea.

How about something to eat?

Come on, we'll raid the ice box?

That's a good idea.

Yeah, better than a dancing moose.

Come on, Bunny.

No, thank you.

I told you she was weird.

I'm a little worried about you, too.

You know, Julie, you're a very nice girl.

Thank you.

You and Oscar could get along very well.

Oscar and me!

I'm beginning to feel like a bouncing ball.

Listen...

Oscar, I've got something to tell you.

Yeah, well, I got something to tell you.

Bunny is missing.

What?

Yeah, she's gone.

After my James Cagney impression of Bond,

well, we decided to play hide-and-seek.

Later, I took a head count and she was missing.

You're sure?

Felix, I can count to three.

Okay, what are we going to do?

You go back to the cabin.

Oscar and I will find her.

Well, listen, I'm getting worried.

Bunny is a good camper, but it's going to get dark soon.

We'll find her.

Listen, maybe she headed back towards the camp.

All right, I'll go back and stay with the kids at the cabin.

Oh, good luck.

Let's head east.

This way is east.

How do you know that?

Because the sun rises in the east

and sets in the west.

How do you know that?

I just made it up.

Bunny!

Bunny!

Bunny... ha!

What's the matter?

Ooh, my foot.

It's caught in quicksand.

Help me, I'm sinking, I'm sinking!

Your foot is stuck in a wet chuck hole.

Pull it out.

Pull it out!

Bunny!

Now what?

I think I sprained it, Felix, it hurts.

Then lean against the rock

and I'll come back and pick you up

in a couple of days.

A couple of days?

You're going to leave me here alone a couple days?

Felix, it's dangerous... Mud, quicksand.

There's more mud in your bedroom.

Bunny!

Bunny!

Bunny?

Not so fast, Felix, I can't move that fast.

I've got to rest a minute.

Give me the compass.

I can't give it to you, Felix.

Why not?

Because, I lost it.

You lost the compass?

Yeah, I lost the compass.

Listen, I got scared when that wild animal ran by.

I dropped it in the lake.

That wild animal was a rabbit.

Yeah, well, I hear they're very poisonous.

Bunny!

Bunny!

How's your little foot?

It's getting better.

Can we rest now?

No.

Bunny!

Mr. Unger?

Bunny! Is that you?

Romeo, Romeo!

Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Deny thy father!

Refuse thy name!

Whatever happened to "Help, I'm over here?"

Bunny?

Bunny!

Bunny!

Felix!

Hey... there, there.

Don't cry.

Oh, everything's all right.

Everything's going to be fine.

Are you still doing Walter Brennan?

No, I hurt my foot.

Don't worry about him.

Yeah, don't worry about Oscar.

He's just a humanitarian.

I think you and I better have

a private little talk, young lady.

You're going to have a private little talk

with a ten-year-old in the middle of this wilderness?

That's right, do you mind?

No, be my guest.

You know, you gave us quite a scare.

I could shake you.

Even you?

Of course even me.

Why did you run away?

Because you were jealous of somebody?

We were just beginning to know each other

when Julie took you away.

Aw, Julie didn't take me away.

Anyway, I think...

I think I'm a little old to be your Romeo, don't you?

Although I'm very flattered.

That's how Todd Anderson felt, too.

Who?

Well, he was my boyfriend, but he broke up with me.

He said I was too young.

He thinks he's really neat just because he's an A-9.

So he gave his ring to Karen Foley.

She just got her braces off.

Well, that will age a young lady, won't it?

I-I... I guess it's immature to be jealous.

I think it is.

When you're jealous,

you only hurt yourself.

You know, you're very wise.

I'm not so sure.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

Now I'm through being a humanitarian.

It's freezing cold.

I got an ant in my pocket that's eating me up alive.

It's time to help Oscar.

Ready to face the world?

Okay, let's go.

Mr. Unger?

Could we make a pact?

A pact?

20 years from today,

if neither one of us is married,

could we meet in front of the Central Park Zoo

at midnight?

It's a date.

Now all we have to do

is find our way back to the cabin.

Yeah.

Julie!

Julie!

I hope you'll call me up next time you're in the mountains.

How about the next time you're in the city?

Oh, great, let's exchange numbers.

I happen to have mine all written out.

I do, too.

Okay, girls.

The zoo in 20 years?

Oh, I'll be there.

He won't.

He'll be about 80 by then.

Cindy, I want to take your picture.

Will you send me a copy?

No.

Good-bye, girls.

Good-bye, Julie.

Oh, Felix. Thank you very much.

Bye, Oscar... thanks, fellas.

So long, kids. Take care now.

Good-bye, Bunny.

Isn't that Julie a wonderful person?

Yeah, she makes you want to help your fellow man.

You helped me this weekend.

Thanks a lot.

You made me forget, you know.

It's okay for you.

I just happened to think about Blanche.

And that made you sad?

No, it made me mad.

I just remembered

I'm behind on my alimony payments.

Knowing Blanche, that means I could end up in jail,

which means I won't see Julie

when I get back to the city.

It means I could spend the rest of my life in jail... ow!

Hold it, hold it.