Original subtitles

Oh, Felix, sorry I'm...

I hate to break it to you this way,

but the tango went out a long time ago.

I'm bringing it back tonight.

Pick up your coat, hang it up.

We're going right out.

Okay.

Okay?

Felix, it's so good

to see you happy for a change.

I'm looking forward to this blind date tonight, I really am.

Good, good.

Now Nancy says you and this girl

should get along great unless you take out your wallet,

start showing pictures of your ex-wife and kids

and depress everybody.

No, no, no.

Tonight, you're going to see a new Felix Unger.

I'm going to be a million laughs,

I'll be a laugh a minute.

I'll settle for a chuckle an hour.

Listen, as a precautionary measure,

why don't you leave your wallet at home.

But I have to pay for dinner. No, I'm so happy

that you're happy and not moping around, dinner's on me.

No, no. Yeah. Yeah. No. Okay.

All right, I'll shower and shave.

I'll be with you in ten minutes.

Let's go get 'em, tiger.

We don't want to keep them waiting.

I'm not going.

What did you say?

I said I'm not going.

That's what I thought you said.

Called my date and told her I can't make it.

I knew I shouldn't have spent

so much time in the shower.

Felix, ten minutes ago, you told me you were

going to be a ball of fire.

What happened to Mr. Laugh-a-minute

and the dancing fool?

They've all left.

Where'd they go?

On the radio, one of the songs they happened to be playing

was "Just One More Chance."

So?

That was our song... Gloria's and mine.

And I remembered

that our anniversary is the day after tomorrow.

Okay, Felix, this is it!

I've had it.

No matter what you say

or what you do, when I get back from my date,

I'm going to fix it so you go back with your ex-wife!

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his childhood friend, Oscar Madison.

Sometime earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

Okay, everybody up, here we go.

What! Oh! What!

Oh, what's going on?

You're scaring me to death, why?

That's nothing compared to what you did to me.

Come on, I want to talk to you.

Where are my slippers?

You don't need your slippers.

You washed the rugs this morning, remember?

What's the matter?

First you broke the date

with Nancy's friend, didn't you?

I called her.

Sure, you called her,

20 minutes before you were supposed

to pick her up, you called.

Nancy felt so guilty,

I got stuck with two dates!

Oh, that's awkward, isn't it?

Yes, it's awkward, since they both wanted to go dancing.

Come on, I want to talk to you.

Felix, haven't you ever done anything...

silly-romantic,

like, uh... send her a ring

from a box of popcorn, say, huh?

Why would I do a messy, sticky thing like for?

What's the matter, you don't believe in saucers?

I believe, I believe in saucers, I forgot.

I gave her a beautiful present

on our first anniversary.

Yeah, what?

It was a beautiful wristwatch with a bracelet.

On the bracelet was a little bear

holding a jar of honey.

I thought that was romantic.

Why, was it symbolic?

Yeah...

She used to call me her honey bear.

That was before she started calling me Mr. Clean.

Want sugar?

Sure, but I didn't even want the cocoa.

Felix, I got important things to talk to you about.

Tell me something, about the watch... did she like it?

Did she like it... She never even wore it.

She hated the engraving I had put on the back.

It simply said:

"To Gloria, a good sport."

You know what surprises me, Felix?

That she didn't kick you out sooner.

To be a good sport is very important.

Yeah, if you're dating a female shot-putter.

No, no, no, look, I got an idea, Felix.

I got an idea.

Look, you get the watch back from Gloria,

without her knowing about it.

Then you invite Gloria over to one of your sumptuous dinners.

Candlelight, champagne, all the good food.

Then you give her the watch.

You don't think she'd catch on?

To what?

That I'm giving her a watch I already gave her?

She's not a dummy, you know.

She may have memory lapses...

Will you listen to me, Felix, when you get the watch back

you put a romantic engraving on it.

"To a good sport" is nice.

Nice, nice doesn't get you back with Gloria, nice.

I mean a really romantic engraving like:

"Love me truly, you're my everything."

Or "'Just One More Chance'!"

The song, that's perfect!

That is a superb idea!

How will I ever get the watch back?

Break in.

I could never do a thing like that.

You still have a key?

No, no, she changed the lock.

I used to go in and rearrange the furniture.

Consuela!

Who's Consuela? Consuela, the maid...

She's crazy about me.

I used to clean up after her.

She'll get me the watch.

Hey, you're all set.

I'll have a friend of mine engrave it to avoid any delay.

You're set up, all you have to do is call Gloria...

Now, at this hour of night?

It's so late. It's more romantic.

No, no, no... What's your number?

No, no, no, 724-7069.

I don't like this.

I'm getting a sinus attack.

Well, don't worry, you'll be fine, here.

No, no... Take the phone, will you?

Give me that...

Hello, Gloria? This is Oscar.

Yeah, I know it sounded like an obscene phone call.

Don't mention my sinuses, she hates that.

Yeah, it was Felix, he had a sinus attack.

Oh, he's fine now.

I'm not fine, I'm a nervous wreck.

Listen, he told me, well, he told me

your anniversary was coming up

and he'd like to invite you over for dinner.

Next month.

Friday.

Yeah, you could? Hey, that's marvelous.

I don't have a menu planned.

He's got a great menu planned

around everything you like.

He remembered all your goodies.

Hey, that's marvelous.

He'd like to have you come about...

What time?

Seven, 7:00, okay.

No, erase that, erase that.

Seven, eight, 8:00, okay.

No, erase that one, too.

That's seven, seven and a half.

He'd like you at... seven and a half?

7:30, 7:30, 7:30.

Oh, that's marvelous.

It's great talking to you, Gloria. Good.

You did it, buddy!

She didn't even ask time to think it over.

She still likes you.

Maybe she's half asleep.

She's not coherent when she's sleepy.

She once invited a wrong number to dinner.

I'm telling you, she heard me.

She still likes you.

You're on your way.

All you need is a good night's sleep.

I'll never be able to sleep.

I've got a million things on my mind.

I've got to plan my menu.

I've got to get the watch from Consuela...

You do all that, I'm going to go to bed.

Good night. Oscar?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Consuela... donde el wristwatch de la senora Unger...

Oscar! Oscar!

What, what?

I got it!

What?

I got it. Look, look.

Isn't that a beauty?

See the little bear and the jar of honey?

See it?

It looks like a little puppy with a bone.

Aw, come on, isn't that beautiful?

Oh, yeah, it's beautiful.

Look at that.

Oh, Consuela was so glad to see me.

She even let me take a spot out of the carpet.

That's great, that's great.

Come on, don't go back to sleep.

You promised to have it engraved.

Felix, I want to sleep an extra hour this morning.

I'll drop it off on my way to work.

Let me sleep.

You promise?

Oscar?

Would it be too much to have it cleaned as well?

No, no, it's not too much.

Go back to sleep.

Where will I leave it?

Oscar?

I put it right here by your phone.

Go back to sleep.

You've got another hour.

You did remember to leave the watch

with the jeweler this morning, didn't you?

Of course I did.

It's been three hours.

Do you think he'll have it ready?

When Louie says he'll deliver, he delivers.

Louie?

Louie?

Must be in the back.

This doesn't look like much of a jewelry store.

Well, what did you expect...

Breakfast at Tiffany's?

I wouldn't even chew gum in a place like this.

Not in the back.

Well, this is a disgrace.

Leaving a place like this unattended.

Any bum on the street

could come in and clean everything...

Louie!

He's been robbed.

Oh, my... did they take my watch?

Doesn't he speak English?

Felix, he's got a gag around his mouth.

Did they take my watch?

They took everybody's watch.

Oh, my, oh, my.

The little one with the bear?

I didn't have anything like that.

Oscar, he says he didn't have anything like that.

Yes, you did, Louie, the one I gave you.

Oh, I thought that was a rabbit.

I wondered why he had that jar of honey.

It was so small, maybe they missed it.

Look, pal, they cleaned me out, everything:

All the rings, all the watches,

all the bracelets, everything!

What did they look like?

Who knows? They had nylon stockings over their faces.

Aha! What size?

What difference does that make?

Clues.

Felix, will you leave the clues to the police, please?

I'm calling them now.

After 13 robberies,

you'd think I'd have a hotline.

13 robberies, that's terrible.

Why don't you move to a better neighborhood?

Because, the nearest better neighborhood is in Ohio.

♪ Just one more chance ♪

♪ To prove it's you alone I care for ♪

♪ Each night I say a little prayer for ♪

♪ Just one more chance... ♪

Leave the record alone.

It's making you miserable.

I enjoy being miserable.

Felix, I'm sorry about the watch,

but you can still have a fun evening with Gloria.

Sure, now I don't have to worry about

giving her the watch with the appetizer or entree.

Forget the watch, concentrate on fun.

How can I have fun

when you're dripping crumbs on my shoulder?

Sit down and eat like a normal human being.

Oh, it's all over the couch...

I steal a watch and then it's stolen from me.

Some romantic I turned out to be.

You tried.

Did Cyrano write love letters,

and then lose them?

Did Romeo go to the wrong balcony?

If they had Oscar Madison for a friend,

they probably would have.

It's not your fault.

Thanks for that, Felix.

Of course, you could have told me

that your friend Louie's pawnshop

had been robbed 13 times.

Ah... it's not your fault, it's not your fault.

Maybe we should call Murray the cop.

What for, poker?

I'm going to call up Gloria.

That's what I'm going to do.

No, no, don't do that, Felix.

Don't do that.

No, I want to help you.

You want to help me?

Don't help me.

What about a chance to get even, will ya?

I want to get the watch back.

How? It was stolen by common thieves.

I'm going to do something

I never thought I would do before... What?

Get involved with common thieves.

Why are we going to a flower shop?

Because the florist is my main contact.

He's one of the boys.

What boys?

The boys your mother wouldn't let you play with...

grown up.

Only you would know a thug florist.

Watch what you say, this guy is very dangerous.

I'll be right with you, boys, soon as I put these things away.

Okay, Wally.

How could a nice florist like that be dangerous?

Are you kidding?

They say his father made the flower arrangements

for the St. Valentine's Day Massacre...

Hiya, Wally, how are you?

I'd like you to meet a friend of mine, Felix Unger.

How do you do?

Oscar, nice to see you.

Did your father really make the...

Felix!

Wally, listen, I want to ask you

a special kind of a thing, see.

Sure...

Um... how about a lovely, lovely...

My friend's allergic to flowers.

Only certain flowers.

Does he like artificial flowers?

He thinks they're gauche.

All right, I'll take an antihistamine.

Wally, I need a favor from your other line of work.

Louie's pawnshop was robbed this afternoon.

Again?

Yeah.

I need some water.

Here.

And my friend had something taken out of it.

He has to get it back.

You got enough?

Yes.

Well, I don't know, Oscar.

You'll find most of your serious thieves

are reticent to give things back.

You see, they go to all the trouble of stealing.

Oh, come on, Wally, give me a break, will ya?

I give you good tips at the races, don't I?

Well, yes, and you always say such nice things

about my flowers on the winning horses.

Are you kidding?

Horses win races

just so they can wear your wreaths of flowers.

You're lying, but I love it.

Yes, yes, I have some contacts.

Good, good, listen, give me a couple, will ya?

Oscar, when one writes things down, other ones can read them.

One is sorry.

I lost my head.

You almost did.

Yes, I think Bill Green

might know who pulled this heist.

That's his neighborhood.

He likes it because it's near the dog pound.

The dog pound?

Yes, he's crazy for dogs... Dogs and money.

We have to have the watch

in two or three hours.

Everybody's in a rush except flowers.

I'll do my best, hmm?

Thank you... thanks for the water.

That's a very cute cup.

Ah, thank you, yes, I had that made.

Really? Where?

I have a cup maker on Third Avenue.

Oh, will you stop that?

Thanks, Wally.

Are you in the right apartment?

I must be in the wrong apartment.

You're Unger, right?

You know me?

I already met Madison.

You did?

Oscar, are you all right?

Oh, I see you two have met.

Bill Green, this is Felix Unger.

You remember, Wally said he was gonna send over

a nice guy for us to meet.

Oh, how good of you to come

on such short notice.

Cigar?

What about it?

I, uh...

think it's gone out, that's all.

No, it hasn't.

I guess, I'm wrong.

Let's get down to business.

Okay, I know who took your watch.

You do?

He does.

Oh, that's great... Give me his number

and I'll call him.

Your friend hasn't been around too long, has he?

Felix, I'm afraid it's not that simple.

Why not?

I'm a businessman, Unger!

Listen, people lose things, I find them.

They pay me for them.

That's capitalism!

I dig.

I'll bet you want a reward, don't you?

I'm going to give it to you... in advance.

Small bills, please.

Five fives small enough?

Yeah.

Where's... where's the zeros?

Zeros?

Zeros!

$25 pays for a couple minutes of my time.

You want the watch, it'll cost you $2,500.

The whole watch didn't cost $2,500.

Now, wait a minute.

Look, he doesn't have much money.

Give him a break.

Give him a break?

Oh, that's great, give him a break.

I wish somebody would give me a break some time!

What, do you think guys in my profession

ain't hit by inflation?

You know how much money it costs

to store stolen goods?

Money is tight!

We understand that,

but this may be his last chance

to get back with Gloria.

Who's Gloria?

The sweetest, most wonderful woman

who's ever lived.

His ex-wife.

See, he gave her the watch on their first anniversary.

12 years we were happy together.

12 years.

And then one day the whole thing... over.

I'm sorry, Unger, but...

You know what that does to a man...

To lose his wife and the home they built together?

Tell him about your dog, Felix.

I wish you could've seen my family.

I'll show you a picture.

Show him a picture of your dog.

Show me the dog.

Look at that.

Aw... aw, that's nice.

He's got a snapshot of his dog.

I love dogs.

Here's a picture of my wife and kids

in front of the Christmas tree.

Isn't that a lovely family?

And a beautiful dog.

Cute kids... What are their names?

Leonard and Edna.

And Spot.

That's my wife, Gloria

and our new wall-to-wall carpeting.

Where's the dog?

Felix never lets the dog on the carpet.

You know something?

I just went through a divorce.

I sure miss my family.

You have a family?

What?

Crooks can't have a family?

If you prick us, do we not bleed?

If you tickle us, do we not laugh?

If we miss an alimony payment,

do we not hear from our ex-wives?

Oh, he was... Oh, boy, was he married.

Sure like to get back with my ex.

Why don't you get back with her?

She's in prison.

All right, Unger.

I don't know how much good

it's going to do with your ex,

but I'll do my best with the watch.

Well, like I said, he doesn't have much money.

What's the matter with you?

Money ain't everything, even to a capitalist.

I'll keep the five fives for expenses.

That's very decent of you.

Just don't spread it around.

When do you think

I could get the watch?

I need it tonight.

I'll... I'll try for tonight.

There's a little problem.

The guy that stole it gave it to his girlfriend.

When she hears my story,

don't you think she'll want me to have it back?

Yeah, I think so.

But she really likes that mouse with the cheese, you know?

That's a bear with a jar of honey.

That's what I said, whatever it is.

I don't know, I only know dogs.

Listen, um... 5:00.

Yeah?

You be in your elevator.

Your watch will be there.

Why do you leave it in the elevator?

Why don't you bring it up to...?

What am I, a delivery boy?

I got other things to do to make money

to make up for my sentimental gestures.

Five fives... what is that?

Oh, another thing.

Uh, listen.

You know, uh...

you shouldn't keep the dog off the carpet.

It's discrimination.

They sense that.

Nice.

Come on, Felix, will you hurry up?

Come on, come on.

Where is he? Where?

He's not here.

Will you take off that stupid...?

What do we do, push a button?

No, don't push anything.

He said be here, don't do anything.

Why do you suppose he's being so secretive?

The guy who stole it is probably hot.

He's got to lay low for awhile.

Just be thankful you're getting the watch back.

Be cool, Felix, be cool.

Oh...

Where do you think we're going?

The contact's probably waiting

on another floor.

When the elevator stops,

the door's will open.

The contact will come in and give us the watch.

Felix, will you relax?

I've never done anything like this before.

I don't usually hold business meetings in elevators myself.

This elevator's tacky and drab.

We're not getting anywhere.

I've got $9.34 worth of meat up there

that's going to be ruined.

Take it easy, will you, Felix?

Now this may be it, but we've got to be cool,

now really cool this time.

Okay?

Do you guys live in the building?

Yes, yes, we do.

Good, I have something for you.

Ooh, I told you we'd get it, didn't I?

Thank you. Thank you.

That's a toothbrush.

He's a salesman!

I've heard of these brushes.

These are excellent.

Thank you!

Hurry up, will you, Felix?

Somebody might push the buzzer.

I'm sorry, I'm terribly sorry

but I had to baste.

Who cares about basting when we don't have the watch yet?

We've just been going around in circles.

No, we haven't, we've been going up and down.

That's clever.

I've counted 15 people

who have come into this elevator.

The next person's going to be Gloria.

Oh, boy.

Come on, let's give up.

No, I'm not going to give up

till we get the watch back, I feel responsible.

I'm taking the next round sitting down.

What's that?

It's the watch.

It's been there all the time.

Oh, I'm going to give your Mr. Green

a piece of my mind.

This is a disgrace...

Leaving an expensive piece of jewelry

right out here in the open

where any bum could steal it.

Felix, don't press your luck.

The price was right.

Come on, get back to your basting.

Gloria's going...

Felix, Do you know why you're sneezing?

Why?

Because you're tense

and you're anxious about your dinner with Gloria.

You see?

Everything's gonna turn out great.

Oh, I hope so, I hope so.

Don't forget to use your nasal spray.

I haven't been alone with Gloria in two years.

I don't know what to say to her.

What's wrong with, "I've missed you"?

You're a good writer. Thank you.

Where are you going?

I don't know, I figured I'd catch a gangster movie.

Good luck.

Felix.

What happened?

You know...

I was just sitting here thinking

all you've done on my behalf.

You're a real friend.

What are you talking about?

Didn't Gloria show up?

Oh, yes, she was right on time.

Oh, she looked so beautiful.

She had her hair in a French twist.

She had a lovely green silk dress.

Felix, give me the details later.

Now, what happened?

No food was eaten, what happened?

Oh, first we had a glass of champagne.

Then we sat down, it was beautiful.

Oh, you should've seen my soufflé

before it fell... perfect.

Oh, I'm sure it was a sight to behold,

now will you get to the point?

Well, I thought I was being very romantic.

I served the watch along with the roast.

She ate the watch?

She read the inscription and she ran out sobbing.

She was that touched.

Your friend Louie never had the watch engraved.

The guy who stole it

had it engraved for his girlfriend.

Read.

"You're built like a..."

Isn't that romantic?

That's right, Murray, I want you to get

every available man in the police force on it.

Well, how many can you get?

Well, then you try hard by yourself, Murray.

Thank you.

What's the matter?

I'm so aggravated.

Why?

Today, you told me Gloria forgave you.

There's a chance you might get together again.

That's not why I'm aggravated.

Those underworld friends of yours...

They're not to be trusted.

Of course not, they're crooks.

Bill Green with his heart of gold.

Nonsense.

People want to believe gangsters are sentimental...

Let me tell you, they're not.

He got you your watch back.

Did he? I spent the whole day having it engraved

"Just One More Chance," yesterday.

I gave it to Gloria and she loved it.

Then, last night, burglars broke into her house

and stole it back again.

How do you know Bill Green did it?

He left a note.

"I fed your dog."