Original subtitles

Hey, there's a fire.

This joint's on fire.

Whew!

Hey, there's a fire.

Run for the exit, little old lady.

I got to save Felix.

Oscar, go back to bed.

There is no fire.

What's the matter?

There's smoke all over the place!

It's not smoke, it's medicated vapor for my allergies.

I put too much oil of eucalyptus

in my croup kettle.

Oh, boy... I can see the headlines now:

"Oscar Madison dies in freak croup kettle fire."

I apologize for having allergies.

Why don't you go smoke a cigar

until the smoke clears?

Felix, it's the middle of the night.

I got to get up early in the morning.

I'm talking to a man

who looked like a little old lady,

making sounds like a dying water buffalo.

That does it, Felix.

In the morning, I'm putting you up for adoption.

How come you got an attack?

I thought you went out

with your ex-wife tonight.

I did, I went out with Gloria.

You allergic to her now?

Humor, that's what I need, humor.

I'm sorry, I lost my head.

Hey, what really happened?

What didn't happen?

I wanted it to be a great evening...

It was the anniversary of our first date.

I made a reservation for the same table

in the same restaurant.

We even had the same waiter.

Claude, he remembered me.

No kidding, after all those years?

When a waiter has to give a customer artificial respiration,

he remembers him.

He had to do it again tonight.

Felix, you know what you're allergic to.

Why would you eat something

that's gonna give you another attack?

I wanted to show Gloria

I wasn't the same picky fuss-budget

who used to drive her crazy,

so I came on strong, casual, witty, devil-may-care

and I forgot myself and ate mayonnaise.

I can hardly breathe.

I'm going to call Dr. Melnitz.

No, Dr. Melnitz is out of town.

How do you know that?

He always calls me before he leaves town.

He figures it's the least he can do,

considering all the business I give him.

Felix, you're sick and you need a doctor.

Now you get into bed.

Probably send some young punk fresh out of medical school.

I want my doctor to be a kindly, gentle, gray-haired old man.

In the middle of the night,

you can't get Marcus Welby.

Is that the doctor?

It's either the doctor or a very polite burglar.

I hope he's a good doctor.

Probably some gray-haired old man.

Hello.

I'm Dr. Cunningham.

Is anything wrong?

No, no, nothing's wrong.

Are you Mr. Unger?

No... but it's the first time in my life

I wish I was.

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right,

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home of his childhood friend, Oscar Madison.

Sometime earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment

without driving each other crazy?

Have I got a doctor for you!

Dr. Cunningham, Felix Unger.

How do you do?

He's a woman.

Don't worry about that, Mr. Unger.

I'm here as your physician, not your date.

Open, please.

Who knew that Dr. Melnitz had a female associate?

I'm new in the office.

I don't need a doctor, I'm fine.

Felix, stop being so stubborn, will you?

Let her examine you.

She came here in the middle of the night.

I think maybe it would be easier for Mr. Unger

if you left the room.

I'm not shy.

I've just never been examined

by a beautiful female doctor before.

So you got lucky!

I'll be in the living room if you need me.

Right. Under the tongue, please.

Before you examine me,

I want to ask you something.

I'm not married, is that what you wanted to find out?

Certainly not.

I'd never dream of asking a physician a question like that.

Patients have their ethics too, you know.

Oh, I think I understand what you mean now, Mr. Unger.

I'm an honor graduate

of an accredited medical school.

I am a qualified specialist in internal medicine

and for the last three years,

I've practiced general medicine and orthopedics.

Where's the upper maxillary?

Here.

Correct.

Now may I take your temperature?

How is he, Doc?

Oh, he'll be fine in a day or so.

I gave him something to relieve his symptoms

and some prescriptions he can fill in the morning.

Listen, would you like some coffee?

It's probably rotten, because I made it, but it's hot.

Okay.

It's been a rough night

with Dr. Melnitz unavailable

and the virus all over town.

There's cream, sugar and cookies.

No, thanks, I take it black.

It's really... it's really not that bad.

Aw, it's probably lousy.

My specialty is sardines

on raisin bread toast and ketchup.

I know it's too late for that.

Besides, we're out of ketchup.

You have some very interesting pictures

in the hallway.

Oh, the sports room?

Mostly baseball, hall-of-famers

and we have some football,

but that's my favorite over there.

I call it "pug corner."

Come here, I'll show you.

It's mostly old fighters

that nobody remembers anymore,

but I love them.

Gus Lesnevich... Lee Oma...

Stanley Ketchel...

Tammy Moriello and Fritzie Zivic.

I don't believe it.

You only missed one.

Which one?

That one.

Al "Bummy" Davis.

That's incredible.

This is incredible, it is Bummy Davis.

You weren't even born when most of these guys were fighting.

How do you know them?

I was a tomboy in a family of sports nuts.

I beat up Tiger Stakowski.

He was middleweight champ.

He was four and I was six.

Hey, I better be going, it's late.

Oh, okay.

Do you like hockey?

I love it. I try to get out to see the Rangers play

as often as I can.

Well, I get great seats

for all the Rangers' games.

See, I'm a sportswriter.

I know, you're a very fine sportswriter, Mr. Madison.

I always read your column.

You do?

Yeah.

That's very nice of you to say that.

Well... I was wondering...

I better be going.

I have two more calls to make.

Listen, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your coming.

It was very nice meeting you.

It was a pleasure

meeting you, too, Mr. Madison.

Good-bye.

Oh, let me get the door for you.

Bye.

Bye.

Al "Bummy" Davis... How about that?

You should have asked her to the game

right then and there.

You had the stage all set, but then when you got your cue,

you didn't say your line.

You jumped into the orchestra pit.

I got a little stage fright, Mr. DeMille.

It can happen, you know.

I mean, the woman's a doctor and everything.

She's in a different league than I am.

Don't drink milk out of the bottle.

If you want a glass of milk, use a glass.

It doesn't taste good out of a glass.

What do you mean, you're in a different league?

You're a nice person.

Sloppy, but you're nice.

You must have something in common.

We do!

I never met anybody like her.

Please, sit down and eat your breakfast

before it gets cold.

You're right, Felix, I should have asked her

to the hockey game.

Eat!

Do you think it's too late to ask her now?

You're a grown man.

You know the answer to your own question.

Eat!

Yeah, but how am I supposed to call her?

I don't know her number.

I don't know where she lives.

Oh, I better forget the whole thing!

How'd you call her last night?

I called Dr. Melnitz...

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Dr. Melnitz!

You going to call her now?

Eat your breakfast and call her later.

Uh, Dr. Melnitz's office?

I'd like to speak to Dr. Cunningham, please.

Well, this is Oscar Madison. I know Dr. Melnitz.

Well, can she come to the phone?

It'll only take a minute.

You like ice-cold eggs?

Will you, Felix?

No, I was speaking... 3:00?

Yeah, I guess so.

Okay.

Well?

The nurse misunderstood.

She made an appointment for me at 3:00.

So?

Why be unhappy?

Go to the office

and you'll ask her to go to the game.

At her office?

Yes, if you're going to see a doctor, I think an office

is a very good place to see one.

You really think I ought to go?

How do you feel?

Terrible.

Go.

Mr. Skidacker, would you hurry up, please?

We have another patient waiting to get in this room.

Remove your clothes, please,

put on the examination robe

and we don't validate parking.

Remove my clothes... Are you serious?

Of course I'm serious.

You don't expect the doctor to examine you

through the coat, do you?

Yeah, but see, there's really no need for an examination.

Can you tell Dr. Cunningham to come in...

Just for a second, it's kind of personal.

Listen, we have sick patients outside!

If you're ill, the doctor will see you.

Look...

I hope she has a sense of humor.

Who put the ties in the back?

Mr. Madison is waiting in Room 23, Doctor.

These are for you.

You brought me flowers?

Dr. Melnitz, what are you doing here?

This is my office. I'm a doctor.

See my stethoscope?

I wanted to talk to Dr. Cunningham.

You know?

Oh... All right, I'll get Nancy.

But believe me, in the middle of a flu epidemic,

a doctor's office is no place for sweet talk.

Uh, Dr. Melnitz, this is the lab report...

Hi.

Well, hi, Mr. Madison.

Did you come down with something

since last night?

Well, it was, um... Have a nice time.

Then give old man Colucci a nice basal metabolism.

Well...

what seems to be the trouble?

Well, I, uh... I have this pain in the arm

and whenever I, uh...

Whenever I tell a lie, which is what I'm doing now.

There's nothing wrong with me.

There's nothing wrong with you?

No, no, I'm fine.

Oh, these are for you.

Excuse me, Dr. Cunningham,

I, uh, thought this room

would be vacant by now.

Come on, Mr. Wilson.

Mr. Madison, we're busy here, we're really busy.

I can't be entertaining gentlemen callers.

Well, I tried to talk to you on the telephone,

but they wouldn't put me through...

See, I thought since we had so much in common that...

Mr. Lavrano's waiting for his penicillin shot.

Oh, I'll be right with him.

There's a great hockey game next week...

I thought if you weren't doing anything...

Oh, and Mrs. Davis just called.

Her kid has had the hiccups for ten hours.

She's bringing him right over.

Well, what were you saying?

Nothing, I wasn't saying anything.

Oh, yes, um... no, I'm sorry, I don't date my patients.

I'm not sick, I'm healthy as an ox.

Dr. Cunningham, you're needed in X ray.

Oh, right away.

It's a madhouse.

Thanks for the flowers.

You can get dressed now, Mr. Madison.

Dr. Cunningham's through with you.

Don't rub it in.

Murray, is Oscar down there at the station

playing poker with you guys?

No, it's just that it's not like him

to be this late and not call.

No, Murray, I think that an all-points bulletin

would be a little bit premature.

Here he is!

Never mind, Murray. Thanks a lot.

Well, the prodigal...

Where have you been since you left the doctor's office?

I took a walk in the park.

Listen, Felix...

In this deluge, for five hours?

Are you out of your mind?

I wanted to commune with nature

without the threat of muggers.

I wanted to think, and I got it, Felix!

You got pneumonia?

No, I got a way to get to Nancy.

She wouldn't give you a date?

Give me a date?

She was too busy to even take my pulse.

Don't sit there, you'll mildew the velour.

Forget about the velour.

You can't, the smell reminds you.

Felix, my great idea is you.

Look at him dripping... Me?

Yeah. See, I think Nancy likes me,

but she is so wrapped up in her work,

I can't get a chance to talk to her, see?

Yeah? What do you say?

What do you want me to do?

Get sick.

What?

You're gonna sit on the bed in your wet clothes?

Look at this.

Look, if you get sick, right?

Then you call the doctor.

Nancy makes the house call.

I get her alone, I get a chance to talk to her.

How about it?

The woman almost got me 100% well

and now you want me to lie to her?

What are you making such a big deal out of it for?

Getting sick is as natural for you as breathing.

You do it for nothing.

What's wrong with doing it for a friend?

Friendship is friendship,

but I'm not going to make my good health

a pawn in your game of love.

This whole conversation's making me sick.

Oh, boy, it's not going to kill you, Felix.

You're allergic to a million things.

Listen, why don't you do me a favor?

Go pet Mrs. Glick's cat

or drink some delicious raspberry soda.

Wear wool.

Eat mayonnaise, huh?

Why don't you take a gun and shoot me?

You're catching cold.

Hey, smell paint.

Felix, they're painting 4J.

Come on, one sniff and you'll swell up like a toad.

Hi.

Okay, I was a rat.

I know how you hate to get sick

and I shouldn't have asked you.

I'm sorry.

I haven't even completely recovered

from yesterday's attack.

I still have a buzzing in my face.

You're smoking a cigar in a sick room?

I've got no place to put it.

Well, hold it, but don't puff it.

Felix, what can I do to make it up?

You haven't had supper, do you want a sandwich?

I'm exhausted, but I'm starved.

What kind of sandwich you want?

Tuna fish on whole wheat.

Great.

Oscar!

Yeah?

Wash the cigar off your hands

before you make it.

I'll scrub up, I'll scrub up.

Oscar, toast the bread.

Slice off the edges.

Butter one piece

and then salt it lightly.

Yeah, you won't even taste the salt.

Oscar?

Yeah?

Be sure you drain the tuna fish thoroughly

and then mash it with a fork

when you put it on the bread.

We aim to please, buddy.

You won't taste a drop of oil.

Don't forget the fork!

Isn't that funny?

That's just what I'm doing, mashing it with a fork.

Oscar?

Yeah!?

Put a crispy piece of lettuce in the sandwich, please...

An inner leaf.

Is there any other kind?

And Oscar!

What?!

And squeeze some lemon on the tuna.

Un soupcon a limon.

Oscar!

Yeah!

Hold the mayo!

Here, I'm holding it.

I'm holding the mayo, all right?

Isn't that a crime that I can't

enjoy mayonnaise like everybody else?

Oh, no, I couldn't do that to him.

Oscar!

Yes, Felix?

Put a couple of olives on the side

and a stalk of celery, if you don't mind.

And Oscar!

Hurry up, I'm starved!

It's really a nice gesture on your part, Oscar.

Gave me quite a start there.

Here's your sandwich, Felix,

like you ordered.

Ah... Oh, it looks perfect.

This is odd, isn't it?

What's odd, buddy?

If I got sick again,

you'd see Nancy again.

And there you were in the kitchen, out of my sight,

preparing this sandwich.

What are you talking about?

Just an odd situation, that's all.

Can I have a glass of milk?

Sure, a glass of milk, on the double.

You're a good friend, Oscar.

Don't eat that sandwich!

What's the matter?

I spiked it with mayonnaise.

Oh, no, no.

Yeah, I got enough mayonnaise in there

to wipe out the house of Unger.

You can't find it.

I cleverly hid it under the lettuce leaf.

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

How could you?

It was a rotten thing to do.

That Nancy girl's got me crazy.

I can understand the torment that brought you to this

and I appreciate that you stopped me

before it was too late.

And I forgive you.

Thank you, Felix.

But I am appalled

that you would even consider such a thing.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I must be in love...

You're not in love, you're sick.

Hey... you're burning up with fever.

You've got the bug. Get into bed.

No, I don't have the bug.

Get into bed.

I'm gonna call a doctor.

No, no, don't call a doctor.

Don't call Nancy! She wouldn't come anyway.

All right, I'll call another doctor.

Now get in to bed!

Wow, Felix, you're right, I do feel lousy.

Even my fingernails hurt.

No wonder you're sick, living in this room.

Come on, get out of your clothes properly.

Felix, do me a favor, will ya?

The phone book's under the bed.

Look in the Yellow Pages for a doctor.

You'd select a physician at random from the Yellow Pages?

You wouldn't choose a TV repairman that way.

The TV is a delicate instrument. I'm not.

Flip through the pages and find me a pill pusher, will you?

I don't care what his name is,

as long as its not Nancy Cunningham.

Is this Dr. Melnitz's service?

This is Felix Unger.

Oh, hello, Elizabeth.

Much better, thank you.

Elizabeth, it's very important

that I get in touch with Dr. Cunningham right away.

Well, you must know where to reach her.

Could you put me through to her?

Hello?

Yes, Mr. Unger.

Oscar needs a doctor right away.

I'm sorry, but I'm not on call tonight, Mr. Unger.

As a matter of fact, I'm already out having dinner with someone.

But this is not for a date.

There's another doctor on call.

I don't want another doctor.

It's very important that you come.

You're making a very large mistake, Doctor.

Good night, Mr. Unger.

Cunningham, your attitude is not acceptable.

Dr. Cunningham?

Dr. Melnitz.

I don't know why,

but I had a feeling I was gonna see you tonight.

Mr. Unger, I told you on the phone I was having dinner.

So I see.

Well, I never thought I'd see my own doctor cavorting.

What cavorting?

Two doctors put in a 14-hour day,

stop in for a nice meal,

and all of a sudden, it's Peyton Place?

Well, sorry if I... if I jumped to conclusions,

but the indications...

The indications were hunger, Unger.

Now, what's the problem?

Nerves? Sinuses? Backache?

No, it's not me, it's Oscar.

His flowers wilted?

Forget it, Dr. Melnitz.

Mr. Madison and his friend are playing

romantic games.

No, we're not. He's really sick.

He's got a 103 fever.

He's got to have a doctor.

All right, what's one more hour?

I was too tired to eat anyway.

No, no, no, not you.

It's got to be Dr. Cunningham.

Now look, Mr. Unger, I told you on the phone,

if your friend is really sick

there's another doctor on call.

Excuse me.

Let's dance.

Dance?

Why would I want to dance?

I'm not gonna take no for an answer.

It's your fault that he got sick in the first place.

My conscience is perfectly clear.

No, it's not.

You know perfectly well he's infatuated with you.

He humiliated himself by coming to your office.

It was the only place where he could see you.

And then after you rejected him,

he went for a walk in the rain for five hours

and that's how he caught the bug.

He did?

All right, I'd rather make a house call

than keep on dancing.

No, no, Dr. Melnitz.

I'll go.

If this is a trick...

I swear on my hypochondriac oath.

You sure you don't mind

being left alone?

My ambition for 60 years has been to be left alone.

Hmm... 103.

You got the bug, all right.

Yeah, I'd have to be a heck of an actor to be faking this.

Listen... I'm sorry the room is such a wreck,

but, you know, what with being sick and everything...

I'm telling you another lie.

'Cause my room is always a mess.

So is my office.

No kidding?

No kidding.

Listen, I want you to take two of these every four hours.

It won't make much of a difference,

but it'll give you something to do.

Nancy... I'm sorry

about coming to your office yesterday

like I did.

Oh, that's okay.

I'm sorry I was so abrupt.

No, you were right, you were right.

You know, I'm worried about something.

What? I've got something serious, right?

No, no, no, you've just got

a good case of the flu.

I'm worried you won't be well by Wednesday.

What's Wednesday?

My next night off.

And if you're sick, you can't take me to dinner.

Yeah?

Yeah, I bet I look so handsome and debonair,

you can't resist me, huh?

I could resist you.

You rest now.

Wednesday.

Wednesday.

And you better be well.

I told you I don't date my patients.

Are you kidding?

I'm as healthy as an...

Hey, that looks great.

I hope you like it.

Felix gave me the recipe.

Felix? Are you kidding?

I'm still working on

how you got him to let you in the kitchen.

I have to knock before entering.

You all right?

Excuse me.

Here we go.

I usually taste it first,

but I know this is good wine.

There we go.

Felix, what are you doing home?

You were said you were going

to stay out late with Gloria tonight.

I tried to call you.

The phone's out of order.

I took it off the hook

because I didn't want be disturbed.

What's the matter, Felix?

Gloria's sick.

She's got the bug.

Call a doctor.

I tried... Melnitz is out.

She's really sick.

She's burning up with fever.

Felix!

She's got to have a doctor.

I'm sorry, Oscar, it shouldn't take too long.

Why don't you and Felix eat the dinner

and I'll come back for a nightcap.

No, I'll take you over there in a cab.

That's not necessary.

Don't be silly, this is an imposition.

I'll go along with you

and I'll tell you exactly what to do.

Gloria's a very delicate woman...

but she responds well to medication.

However, she does have a sensitivity to penicillin...

Felix... So my advice...

Just give me the address.

145 Central Park West.

Thank you.

Hurry back.

Well, that's a load off my mind.

Oh...

Mmm.

Aren't you going to light the candles?

No.