Original subtitles

Who was that?

Who was what?

The furry object you just put back there.

Nobody. It was nobody.

You put a polar bear in the guest room

and you say that's nobody?

Oh, Felix, I was going to spring it on you gently,

but you got to promise to keep it quiet.

The kid in there is Ernie Wilson.

I'll keep it quiet.

Good.

Who's Ernie Wilson?

Who's Ernie Wilson?

He just happens to be the greatest quarterback

in college football today, that's all.

Why does he dress so funny?

He's not dressed funny, he's an Alaskan.

He's the greatest Eskimo athlete of all time.

So what's the big secret?

Felix, he just graduated from college,

which means he's ready for pro football,

which means that every pro team in the country wants him.

Which means he's worth about $1 million.

Then why can't he afford a hotel room?

Felix, every team in the country is pressuring him to sign.

He came to me for advice because he's confused.

If he came to you for advice, he must be very confused.

That's very clever.

It just so happens, I'm the one

who discovered him at Alaska A&M.

I used to write about him in my column.

His college statistics are staggering.

He could run the 100-yard dash in 9:06... in snowshoes!

So, Ernie's staying with us a couple days.

Well, I have to make sure he gets the right deal,

before he signs with a team, don't I?

What's your cut?

Felix.

Oh, I'm sure your motives are beyond reproach.

You're a friend, an older man,

who wants to help him, get the happiness that's truly his.

That's it exactly.

What's your cut?

Ten percent.

Oscar.

Felix, I wanted to do it for nothing, but Ernie insisted.

You want your merit badge now or at the jamboree?

You don't seem to understand,

this is a big chance for the kid.

Now if he listens to the right person,

he could make a lot of money.

But if he listens to the wrong advice,

why he could be used, he could be twisted,

he could even end up in the hands of gangsters.

Do I look dumb?

I don't believe that.

Well, you better believe it.

They've already tried to contact him.

Felix, just because they wear plaid suits

and they have houses in the suburbs,

doesn't mean they've changed their work habits.

Didn't you read The Godfather?

No, of course not,

I put it down when it reached the violent part.

Well, their national pastime

is still trying to fix ball games.

You see? Now you're mixed up with hoodlums!

You're going to get hurt!

Are you listening to me?

Felix, don't be silly.

There's nothing really to worry about.

Just make sure that all the doors and windows are locked.

Felix, I figured it's time you two met.

Ernie, Felix Unger.

Felix, Ernie Wilson.

Hello, Mr. Unger.

Nice to meet you, Ernie.

Call me Felix.

Have a strong grip, haven't you?

Guess that comes from years of making snowballs.

You don't care for jokes about coming from Alaska?

I get lots of them.

Like, uh, being called "Frosty the Snowman."

Or saying that, uh,

I shouldn't sign with a southern team

because hot weather might make me melt, you know.

Those were some of the best gags in my column.

Look, I got to get down to work,

get the ball rolling and make you a rich man, huh?

Felix.

You keep your eye on him all the time,

and keep the doors and windows locked, okay?

You two get to know each other.

Sala ba tuit.

Ta.

What's that? "Ta"?

Oh, that means good-bye in Eskimo.

Old Oscar there, he, he's really learned it.

Well, make yourself at home.

Want to have a snowball fight?

I did it again, I, I'm sorry.

You hungry?

No.

I can open a can of sardines.

I hate fish.

I hated it ever since I was a little kid.

See, in Alaska, that's all Eskimo babies eat, you know...

Strained cod, strained salmon,

strained herring.

Blubber.

No, not too much blubber.

It's horrible.

Yeah.

You want some shish kebab?

I've got shish kebab ready.

Okay.

Pour yourself a glass of milk in the ice box.

I guess you don't get much milk up there, do you?

No, sir.

Not a very good climate for cows.

I guess the milk would come out ice cream.

I'm sorry, I won't do it again.

Boy, that was great.

How could you tell?

You know, football gives you a big appetite.

And in Alaska, you have to eat all your food quick.

Before it freezes.

That's right, yeah.

I'm sorry, I won't do it again.

Well, um, I think I'll go for a walk.

No, no, you don't want to do that.

Why not?

It's dangerous out there.

Muggers.

Sir, I'm not afraid of muggers.

Heck, when I'm playing ball, you know,

sometimes I'm in there against guys 300 pounds

clutching at my throat.

They carry switchblades?

I'll get it, you stay here.

Eat another shish kebab.

I'm looking for Ernie Wilson.

I never heard of him.

I heard he's here.

How could anybody be here I never heard of?

You Ernie Wilson?

Yes, sir.

Might be a different Ernie Wilson.

You Ernie the Eskimo?

Yes, sir.

I was told I'd find you here.

I'm Effram Goodchild.

From the Eastern Conservatory of Music.

Eastern Conservatory of Music?

What do you want with Ernie?

We'd like to have him as one of our students.

The Eastern Conservatory has a football team?

Oh, no.

We do have a very husky bassoon player,

but he's hardly a team.

Listen, Ernie, we know you're a very gifted athlete.

We also know you have musical talent.

And are prepared to offer you a full musical scholarship.

A scholarship!

Are you a, a prodigy?

No, I'm not a prodigy.

Oh, he's being modest.

Actually, I understand he's a very gifted cellist.

No kidding, you never told us you were a gifted cellist.

Well, it's not the sort of thing

that comes up in normal conversation, you know.

Listen, Ernie, I know it's a difficult decision.

But we hope you'll see your way clear to consider us.

Well... I don't know... I mean...

I understand.

Take a little time, think it over.

Well, as Schumann, the clown of classical music

always said before he left the room

"I'll be Bach."

Schumann, the clown of classical music?

Ernie, I never dreamed you were a musician.

Well, I know I don't look like a cello player.

Not just a cello player, The Eastern Conservatory of Music

doesn't offer scholarships to just cello players

only to very gifted musicians.

Well...

You are going to consider it aren't you?

Well, I'll think about it.

Look, I don't want to put down football,

but to be a symphonic musician,

that's, that's, that's a different world.

Yeah, it's always been one of my dreams, you know?

Then do it!

Well, suppose I'm not very good at it?

You're good enough for Ephram Goodchild.

If you're good enough for Goodchild,

you ought to be good enough for, uh...

Aw, come on, think about it, won't ya?

Yeah, I will.

Oh, great! You want something to eat?

Yeah, let's go see what you got in the refrig.

No, I don't want you to look in my icebox.

Might make you homesick.

I'm sorry.

Felix!

Oh, there you are.

Felix, you wouldn't believe it.

I've been on the phone all day.

I got three firm offers for Ernie.

All of them unbelievable.

The best one came from Slim Daniels,

so I told him we'd take it.

Slim Daniels. Mm-hmm.

The old cowboy star?

Yeah.

What's he got to do with football?

Are you kidding, besides owning hotels,

chicken franchises, mod boutiques,

he owns the Fort Worth Longhorns.

That's a football team.

Big deal.

Boy, it's cold in here.

I turned up the air conditioning,

I thought it would make Ernie feel at home.

Where is he? He's in his room, resting.

Good, listen, I'm gonna finalize the deal tonight,

go over the details with Ernie tomorrow morning.

He's going to be one very rich fellow... uh-huh.

Okay, Felix, what's wrong?

Why should anything be wrong?

You're changing shelf paper.

When I get upset, I kick things.

When you get upset, you change shelf paper.

Maybe the paper needs changing.

Come on, Felix, you just changed it.

And remember when your ex-wife left you?

You changed the kitchen shelf paper so often

even the ants got confused.

All right, I'm upset.

You want to know why I'm upset?

Your ex-wife stopped by today.

Boy, it's cold in here.

What's the matter, Felix?

It's you.

You've slammed the door in the face of decency.

I've slammed the door in the face of decency?

Felix!

Now what is that supposed to mean?

Only that you're totally insensitive.

Will you tell me what's bugging you?

That young man back there

has placed his future completely in your hands,

but you don't care,

all you care about is what's in it for Oscar Madison.

That's not true, Felix.

Now I'm doing it for sports!

I'm doing it for football!

Ernie could be a sensational athlete!

The world doesn't stop at kickoff time.

Where you going?

To rent a cello.

You're going to rent a cello?

Why are you going to rent a cello?

Because that's what he plays.

Ernie plays a cello?

That's right.

Does he play it well?

He's been offered a full scholarship

by the Eastern Conservatory of Music.

Wow, and that's why you're mad at me?

The Eastern Conservatory of Music

only offers scholarships to gifted musicians.

Yeah, but Felix, what are you trying to tell me?

That Ernie Wilson would rather be a concert cellist,

than a professional football player.

How do you know that?

I can feel it.

Yeah? How much does it pay?

If Ernie Wilson makes it in a symphony orchestra,

it will open the door for other young Eskimos.

Other young Eskimos

will receive a message of human dignity

that they'd never have considered otherwise.

And they'll owe it all to Ernie Wilson.

And maybe to Oscar Madison.

Oh, I don't know, Felix.

Oscar, this is the big leagues.

It's bases loaded, two outs, ten yard line,

Oscar Madison's on the foul line

awaiting a free shoot.

Felix, every time you talk sports,

my ulcer acts up.

You're really serious about this, huh?

All right, go on and rent a cello.

And while you're there,

pick up a bulletproof vest for me, will you?

I hope you're kidding.

No, I'm gonna make a lot of enemies

when certain people find out that Ernie's not for sale.

You're making me very proud of you. Yeah.

Underneath that wrinkled shirt,

you're fallible.

I thought your sinuses were bothering you again.

Isn't this a beauty?

Is it good enough?

The man at the music store said

it's the same model Casalls plays.

Yeah, but is it good enough for Ernie?

Casalls is the Joe Namath of strings.

Yeah, well, I'll leave that stuff to you.

Right now, I have to unmake a deal.

Hey, Felix, you know, I'm glad

that Ernie chose music instead of football,

and I can't wait to tell Slim Daniels

that Ernie's not for sale.

That guy thinks the whole world is for sale.

You know, giving up all that money, that had to bother you.

I admire you more than I can tell you.

No, it didn't bother me at all.

In fact, I feel good about it.

Felix, this is the first decent thing I've done

since I gave Blanche her divorce.

I'm off to get Ernie out of the football business.

If you don't hear from me,

please, notify my next of kin, will you?

How does it feel to be a budding concert artist?

Well, to tell you the truth, I don't know.

I mean, it's all happened so fast.

Yeah. The transition from the locker room

to Carnegie Hall is... Yeah, just a little.

Listen, I want you to know

how much I appreciate

everything you and Oscar are doing for me.

We're not doing anything for you.

You're doing it all.

Go ahead, practice.

All right.

You want something to eat?

You want me to fix you a tuna casserole?

No, thank you.

I prefer not to have any fish.

That's right, you don't like fish.

Go ahead, practice.

How about a sandwich?

No, thank you.

You want some eggs? Bacon and eggs.

Um, I'll just have a glass of milk, please.

You got it.

It's just a rented cello.

I guess you're used to a better one, huh?

Oh, no, sir, this is the best cello I ever had.

How's the rosin?

It's fine.

And the bow?

Perfect.

I suppose when you lay off for a while

it-it takes some time to warm up, huh?

Well, some-some cellists have that problem, but not me.

You see, the first lesson an Alaskan musician learns

is he's got to warm up fast.

You're all warmed up?

All grooving and swingy.

Carry on.

Hello, may I speak to Mr. Effram Goodchild, please?

Mr. Goodchild?

This is Felix Unger.

Could I trouble you to come over right away?

Thank you, and would you please use the kitchen entrance?

Yeah. That's what I said, Mr. Daniels.

Ernie's not going to play pro ball.

Oh, take it easy, will you?

Now he wants to pursue a music career.

He's a gifted cellist.

Ah, it's a big fiddle, you hold it betw...

Oh! He thinks it's a hog calling contest.

Uh, uh, uh, you can yodel all you want, he's not available.

I don't care if you hired a polar bear

for Ernie to wrestle at halftime, he's not available!

Besides, that's not what he wants to do.

He wants to play in a symphony,

in a place like the Hollywood Bowl.

You'll buy the Hollywood Bowl?

Anyway, he's not available, no.

Same to you, old buddy.

You go sit on a red-hot branding iron.

Well?

I hardly know what to say.

What is that noise?

My sinuses, they start acting up when I hear this stuff.

Well, you're the musical expert.

Isn't that terrible cello playing?

Uh, he may be wearing his mittens.

It sure is chilly in here.

He's not wearing his mittens.

Then as a musical expert, I would say

that is terrible cello playing.

I don't understand, how can you offer him a scholarship

when you've heard playing like that?

The fact is, Mr. Unger,

we never actually heard the lad play.

You never heard him play?

No, but it really doesn't make much difference.

You see, Ernie Wilson may not play well,

but he's the only Eskimo cellist we found who plays at all.

You mean you offered him a scholarship

because he's an Eskimo.

I think that's terrible.

A man should have a chance because of his abilities

not because of his ethnic background.

Well, I know, but it's a beginning.

Out of these minority students,

a classical musician may come out of it.

That's the breakthrough we're looking for.

What about the Eskimos who don't make it?

What about the Eskimos who think they have talent because you let them in?

What are you going to do, get them jobs

playing organ in an ice-skating rink?

Please, Mr. Unger, it's not our fault.

We're merely victims of the system.

Well, I think it's a rotten system.

And you're not going to get Ernie Wilson.

He's one victim your rotten system can't have.

Now, I'll thank you to please leave my house.

You may have something to eat if you wish before you leave,

but you're going to have to leave.

Terrible cello playing.

Ta-da! The winner and still champion of the underdog...

Oscar Madison.

Oh, I did it... Felix, I wish you had been there to hear me.

I told the biggest guys in sports

that Ernie Wilson was not for sale.

I even told Slim Daniels to sit on a red-hot branding iron.

Not many people can say that to Slim Daniels.

That's nice. Where's Ernie?

I want to tell him the good news.

I sent him out for a walk.

Good, a walk gets those musical juices going, right?

You're honking, Felix.

That's like changing shelf paper.

Why are you honking? What's wrong?

Why are you packing the cello?

I'm taking it back.

But you just rented it.

Why are you taking it back now?

I'm not going to stand by and see that kid's heart broken.

Hey, Felix, they didn't take away

Ernie's scholarship, did they?

Those hypocrites wouldn't have the decency to do that.

Will you get to the point.

Ernie can't play the cello.

When you say he can't play the cello,

you don't mean he can't play the cello.

You mean like his plucking fingers...

No, the wrist is sprained from the...

He can't play at all?

He's tone-deaf... and the school still wants him.

Guess why.

They need a lousy cello player.

Guess again.

They need an Eskimo cello player.

They want him to be their token Eskimo.

Right, you know what that means.

That means I could have had such a sweet deal for him

as a pro football player,

if you hadn't stuck your allergy-ridden nose into things.

Just because I was wrong,

does that give you the right to insult me?

What are you going to tell the kid?

What am I going to tell him?!

You better think of something fast.

Howdy. You Oscar Madison?

No... Sidekick, huh?

No, I'm his roommate. Oh.

I'm Madison.

I assume from the sequins you're Slim Daniels.

Slim Daniels! You look different.

What do you mean?

In those old pictures, you look younger. Felix.

Oh, you don't think I get the girl anymore, huh?

Don't you let these gray temples fool you.

Madison, you really got yourself a nice spread here.

I think maybe I'll buy it.

Boys, make a note of that.

Who are those guys?

My attorney and my accountant.

Please don't sit like that...

It's the only way I'm comfortable.

So you're the one who told me

to go sit on a red-hot branding iron.

Figure of speech.

Nobody ever talked to Slim Daniels that way,

but I'm gonna forgive you because you're shrewd.

Also, you want Ernie Wilson on your team?

That's right. Ernie don't really play the fiddle, does he?

Uh, cello.

Well, what does the kid want, another $100,000?

A snowmobile? His own talk show?

What, whatever it is, I'll give it to him.

I'll even give him a recording contract.

I think I own a record company.

Either that or a radio station.

My accountant will know, if he don't the attorney will.

Don't make any difference, I'll buy the one I don't own.

If that's your attorney and that's your accountant,

who's that guy?

You don't recognize him, huh?

Come down here, little buddy.

Stand alongside of me.

Now take a good look at him.

Go on, little buddy, tell him who you are.

Where's your posse?

It's Grubby!

Your old sidekick from the movies!

That's right, we take care of our own.

Now, what about Ernie Wilson?

Look, Slim, he's not going to sign for the highest bidder.

I want him to go where he'll be appreciated.

He'll be appreciated.

My fans will really appreciate him.

They're hankering for a winner.

Last week, we lost,

they got so mad, they hung me and Jack in Effigy.

Who's Jack?

My horse.

Silver Jack, the only horse in the world

that can count to 12!

Right! Beat Trigger by two.

Now, do we have a deal or not?

I don't know, I have to talk it over with him.

It's still up to him, you know.

If you get him to sign, Madison,

you're going to make me one happy buckaroo.

I want to make sure Ernie's one happy buckaroo.

He will be.

Well, we got to go rehire a polar bear, just in case.

Hi, fellas.

Hi, Ern.

Ernie, um, Oscar here

wants to tell you that, um...

I like you a lot, Ern.

Oscar means that, Ernie.

Thanks, Felix.

Well, I wanted to talk to you about, uh...

About the cello.

The cello, yeah.

I wanted to tell you...

Is my cello playing disturbing you?

Yes. No.

What Oscar's trying to say is,

that you're the kind of person

who sets extremely high standards for himself.

You're a perfectionist at anything you do.

Yes, see, that's what makes you

the greatest quarterback in the country.

Oscar means that sincerely.

Maybe in the world, even.

What Oscar's trying to say is,

that you're not the kind of person

who would ever accept second-best at anything.

Well, Felix agrees with me on that.

That's right.

It sounds like you're trying to say

I'm a lousy cello player.

Not lousy.

Well, Mr. Goodchild from the Conservatory

was here today, right?

What did he say?

He said lousy.

No, but he didn't say you were good, Ernie.

Then why did they offer me the scholarship?

Oscar and I want you to know that...

the school still wants you.

They still want me, and I'm lousy?

Let me take a guess here.

Uh, does the Conservatory need a token Eskimo?

I know.

I was the only Eskimo in my fraternity, too.

They felt so guilty,

they even elected me president.

Ernie, no matter what your ethnic background,

people are going to lie to you somewhere along the line.

Yeah, but, you know,

I was doing a little lying, too...

to myself.

I mean, I convinced myself

I was a pretty good cello player, right.

But I am a good quarterback.

You know it, and there's nothing wrong

with throwing touchdown passes.

Look at how I'm begging a man to make $100,000 a year.

For $100,000 a year, I could take a lot of cello lessons

Right? That's right.

Okay, Oscar, you make the deal and I'll sign.

Well, Slim Daniels was just here, and...

Hey, you don't need me to make any deals for you.

Listen, if I handled it,

you'd probably end up furnishing your own uniforms.

Get yourself a good lawyer.

Gee, I don't know how to thank you guys

for everything you've done.

We'd do anything for you.

Anything?

Anything.

Well, would you turn up the heat?

It's freezing in here.

Ernie Wilson takes it from center,

he drops back to pass.

He's being blitzed, can't find anyone open,

he's going to run with it!

Oscar! He's at the 35...

You want me to go out for the pass? Nope.

Statue of Liberty play. Uh-uh.

What? Bursitis.