Original subtitles

♪ Felix Unger made a gravy ♪

♪ Ee-i-ee-i-o... ♪

Mmm.

♪ And in that gravy, he needed salt ♪

♪ Ee-i-ee-i-o ♪

Felix, keep it down, will ya?

I'm trying to write something

that could mean a lot of money to me.

Writing your column for the paper?

No, I'm writing to Blanche

asking her to lower her alimony.

Mmm.

Oscar, taste this.

For the last three days,

it's been, "Oscar, taste this, Oscar, taste this."

Oscar, taste this.

No! I weighed my tongue this morning, it weighed 22 pounds.

I have to test my recipe on somebody, don't I?

You want me to win the cooking contest, don't you?

Yeah, win, win, win already.

The semifinal is this afternoon.

Standing before you may be the winner of the Golden Apron.

Good. How do you spell "destitute"?

D-e-s... Never mind, I'll write "broke."

Big words always make her mad.

First prize is a new kitchen worth $1,389.

That's exactly what I need:

A brand-new kitchen

to make my bologna sandwiches in.

Even "broke" doesn't work!

Needs something.

"Dear Blanche...

"Blanche...

"Please note that I have not included

"your monthly alimony check.

"However, I have enclosed the three 10s

"that caused me to lose this month's alimony.

Sincerely yours, Oscar Madison."

Oscar, come here!

I refuse to taste any more gravies.

It's my arm!

You cooked your arm?

What are you pointing at?

Don't start with "we got to wash the ceiling" again.

I reached for the mustard, and I pulled my arm,

I can't get it down.

Again?

I know.

See, this always happens when you're nervous.

If it's not your arm, it's your back.

If it's not your back...

It's a nerve in my neck.

Okay, you do this a couple more times,

I can get a chiropractor's license.

I can't win a golden apron with one hand.

I think I got it. Hmm?

The spot.

Go, go, go.

Oh, thanks.

How can you pull a muscle cooking?

You know why I'm so excited?

I think I found the perfect ingredient for my gravy.

Another gravy.

You better leave me out of the gravy, Felix.

I've got a whole battle plan.

This afternoon, at the semifinals

I'm gonna dazzle them with my fancy tuna casserole.

What do I do, applaud or wave a napkin?

Listen to my strategy.

Then, at the finals, all the other contestants

will pull out all the stops

with fancy continental cooking.

By the time the judges get to me,

their taste buds will be cloyed.

And then I hit them with a simple American classic.

You're going to make a TV dinner?

Will you be serious?

Roast beef.

It could win!

And the clincher... is Gravy à la Felix.

The secret ingredient... I can hardly wait.

A cup of beer and a teaspoon of dry mustard.

Felix, my only interest in beer and mustard

is with a hot dog.

Taste.

No.

I refuse to accept that.

You refuse to accept?!

Would you accept if I poured it down your back?

I have no time to play games.

Taste it, I respect your opinion.

That's the worst thing I ever tasted.

What do you know?

That's my friends from the contest.

Open the door, will you? I've got to get ready!

Felix, you're going to ruin my life with this cooking.

You think that's all I got to do?

"Answer the door, taste this, taste that."

You taste all the gravies

you get to look like an elephant.

I hate cooks! I hate cooking!

I hate everything connected with it.

Hi. Is Felix here?

Come on in.

I can't tell you how closely

I have followed the cooking contest.

It's fascinating.

It's absolutely fascinating.

Oh, you must be Oscar.

Felix told us all about you.

Yeah, but he didn't tell me about you.

I'm Sharon and that's Doria.

Hi. Hi.

We're going to the cooking contest

and we came to pick up Felix.

Yeah, well, he'll be ready in a couple of minutes.

I'll bet your husbands are very excited

about the new recipes you're coming up with.

Sharon's not married, only me.

Oh, I see.

Well, why don't we sit down and chat about that?

You, too, honey, right there.

Your roommate, Felix, is so, so sexy.

He is?

The way he tosses a match on the cherries flame-ay.

He flings it in with such confidence.

It turns me on.

Tossing a match turns you on?

Oscar? You know where my brown tie is?

Yeah, in my room, buddy, In my room, I borrowed it.

Be right with you, girls.

What a voice.

And he cooks, too.

Yeah, well, look, you girls just sit here.

Don't move for one...

Tossing a match turns you on?

Felix. Felix! Felix.

There's my brown tie, in your brown shoe.

Oh, yeah, I put it there so I'd remember they match.

Felix, I know this is gonna sound silly,

but I'd like to come down there and watch you,

you know, cheer you on.

Aren't you afraid the guys will tease you?

No, I changed my mind.

Come on, I tasted your stupid gravy, didn't I?

I helped fix your arm, didn't I?

Can I come with you now?

I want to meet the girls.

Yeah, yeah, that's your interest in cooking.

You want to meet girls.

What are friends for?

This mirror needs a windshield wiper.

And I'll tell you what, I'll even help you to cook.

The girls said you could have an assistant in the finals.

I'll be your assistant.

You may come.

But understand this.

When Felix Unger stands before a flame with a sauce pan,

he's a solo artist.

Thank you, Mister Six.

Do you have a friend in this con...

Ow!

Ladies and gentlemen.

The judges have arrived at a decision.

The winners...

of the casserole event are...

Numbers one... six... and eight.

The Williamson Flour Company

congratulates our three finalists.

As you know, you are to come back tomorrow night

to compete for the Golden Apron Award

and to win the all- new electric kitchen.

Worth... $1,389, uh... plus tax.

To all the others, a set of cookware

and our new book, Fun With Flour.

Barbara, very much congratulations to you.

Aw, I'm sorry.

Well, we all can't be winners.

Congratulations.

You're a real competitor.

Felix. Excuse me.

Listen, I want you to introduce me to number eight.

Huh?

Yeah, tomato surprise.

She's been smiling at me all evening.

Aren't you going to congratulate me?

Oh, yes, congratulations, pal.

Come on, let's meet her.

She even waved a ladle at me.

I think she likes me.

I know her.

Good, I'd like to know her... Felix!

Mmm.

You were magnificent.

Thank you, Sharon.

I'm sorry you didn't make the finals.

Oh, that's all right.

We are going to go out together soon, aren't we, Felix?

Yes.

Wait right here.

I'm going to wash the mayonnaise off my hands,

so I can write down my phone number.

Don't go away.

I won't.

Felix, you were gorgeous.

Thank you, thank you.

Just gorgeous.

Thank you, Dorie.

You get them all, don't ya?

Well, come on, let's meet number eight.

That's Barbara Arcola.

I don't think it's a good idea for you to meet her.

Felix, what are you doing?

You want them all for yourself?

No, no, it's just that...

What does that mean?

Congratulations, Mr. Unger.

Oh, I'll handle it myself.

Thank you, sir.

Hello. I'm Oscar Madison.

I'm a friend of tuna the casserole?

You know, Felix Unger?

Yes, I know who you are.

I'm Barbara Arcola.

How are you?

Over the years, we had several men

win the Golden Apron Cooking award.

This time,

you're the only one to reach the finals!

Do you think you could

defend the title for the men?

I'll do my best.

Doesn't matter whether you win or lose...

It's how you ladle the gravy.

The gravy!

Felix! Where's the king of the kitchen?

Doing the laundry.

Felix, today you were king of the casserole,

tomorrow, the world!

I looked for you after the contest and you were gone.

Where were you?

I had to take Barbara Arcola out

for a cup of coffee.

Don't get mad, I had to take her out.

Yeah? What did she say?

A lot of things.

And I want to tell you,

your word is magic amongst the cooking chefs.

See, she knew we were friends,

but when I told her we were roommates,

she was mine!

I thought so.

I'm going to her house tonight.

I don't want you to go out with her.

What are you talking about?

What did you do, hit yourself in the head

with one of your frying pans?

No, I'm serious.

Everybody down at the contest knows all about her.

Good, I like a girl that's been around.

She's known as "Béarnaise Barbara."

You say that like you expect

a whole western town to freeze.

What are you talking about?

She was accused... Now, I can't prove this...

But she was accused of stealing

another contestant's recipe for Béarnaise sauce.

Now do you see why she wants to go out with you?

She wants to steal my Béarnaise sauce recipe?

Felix, maybe she wants me.

Did you ever stop to think of that?

No! She wants my secret gravy

for the finals tomorrow.

She's trying to get at me through you.

Well, I'm sorry, Felix,

I have a date with her.

I'll be in her house soon

and the temperature will be 300 degrees.

Ciao, king.

Cooking contests are a jungle.

Mmm, boy, this is the life.

You know, that's one of the best meals I ever had.

Oh, Oscar, you're just saying that.

You must eat very well

with Felix doing your cooking.

Oh, yeah, Felix is a great cook.

But somehow, food tastes better

when you're sitting next to a gorgeous girl.

Mouths are good for other things

besides tasting food, too.

Mmm. I'll pour you a coffee.

Mmm, mmm.

You're a friendly little thing,

you know that?

Felix didn't even want me to come here.

Why not?

Oh. Oh, nothing, it's nothing.

No, tell me.

Mind you, he's getting a little paranoid

about this chef stuff...

Oh, it's not even worth bringing up.

No, come on, tell me.

He thinks you want his secret gravy recipe.

Oh, that's silly.

I invited you to my house, not a recipe.

That's exactly what I told him.

I mean, your roommate is very talented,

but he's just making a roast.

How you know he's making a roast?

We all announced to the judges

what we were making for the finals.

Oscar, you're suspicious of me!

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are, you believe

what Felix and the others are saying about me...

"Béarnaise Barbara."

I don't even know what a Béarnaise is.

I trust you, honest, I really do trust you.

No, you don't.

I do.

Look, I'll prove that I trust you.

I'll tell you Felix's stupid recipe.

He-he's using a cup of beer

and a teaspoon of dry mustard.

Hey. Now, would I confide

in somebody I didn't trust?

No.

Then let's go back to where we were.

Hmm... let's not bring it to a boil, Oscar.

I mean, things are better

if you let them simmer awhile.

You make me sound like a can of onion soup.

I mean, why rush things, Oscar?

And besides, I've got to get up early tomorrow

to get ready for the contest.

I think you better go, hmm?

It's kind of late.

When am I gonna see you again?

Oh, soon.

Hey, tomorrow night after the cooking thing?

Hmm, very possible.

Listen, most girls don't even care about cooking.

How did you get so involved in it?

I don't know, I needed a way to use up my excess energy.

Excess energy?

What about I see you tomorrow morning?

I'll sit outside the door, and when I hear your alarm,

I'll come in with a paper between my teeth.

I'll bark a lot.

Good night, Oscar. Good night.

Look at this.

Who is it?

Superintendent.

The napkin was...

Oh! No, I'll get it, I'll get it.

"Cup of beer, teaspoon of dry mustard."

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar, how could you?

I don't know, Felix.

One minute, her lips were on my lips.

The next minute, your recipe was on my lips.

She tricked you.

I know.

Oh, Oscar, Oscar.

Aw, wait a minute, Felix, let's not get carried away.

I mean I didn't give away

the secret to the hydrogen bomb.

It was just a stupid gravy recipe.

Just a stupid gravy recipe.

It's only worth a Golden Apron to me,

and a new kitchen worth $1,389.

Well, it just didn't seem that important.

It didn't seem important to you!

It's important to me!

Aren't you my friend?

Does that mean nothing to you?

Does now.

It is now after 12:00.

I'm so tired I could drop.

My nerves are at the breaking point.

My arm is killing me.

But I'm going in that kitchen,

and I'm going to make a new gravy recipe if I die.

Seems to me the least you could say is you're sorry.

I'm sorry, Felix.

Hmm.

Being sorry solves nothing.

Barbara Arcola.

I know her kind.

Tried every trick in the book on Felix Unger,

but it's not going to work.

Oscar!

Oscar?

Oscar.

Oscar.

Don't hit me, Felix, I didn't...

I told you not to reach.

I know, I know.

All right, I've got the spot.

I can't bring it down.

It's like a rock.

Take a deep breath.

Oh!

It's all in your head, Felix.

Oscar.

What?

I can't move my arms.

So what? They're both down.

Yeah, but I can't get them up.

It must be that nerve in my neck. Oh, my!

You've got to learn to relax, Felix, relax.

I'm in a cooking contest with no arms.

Oh, isn't that great?

If I won the Golden Apron,

I wouldn't be able to tie it around my waist.

Just take it easy, I'll call the doctor.

No! No doctor!

Because I know what he'll do.

He'll put me in traction like last time.

Then I won't be able to be in the finals.

Okay, look, sit down.

Remember, Halloween? We tried, remember?

You were stuck, Halloween?

You still went trick-or-treating.

We got lucky, maybe we'll do it again tonight.

All right? You ready? Piece of cake.

It's unbelievable.

Now you tell me if this hurts.

I'm a maniac, I'm crazy.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh.

One more time, remember Halloween.

Oh! Oh, oh! Oh, Oscar, I'm a raving maniac.

Now the big hurt.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oscar!

Felix?

Felix!

You all right, Felix?

Why don't you kill me?

You've tried everything else.

Don't go into one of those deep depressions.

I'm not.

It's all my fault, huh?

I didn't know the contest meant that much to you.

No, it's silly, but I've never won anything in my life.

Oh, in school once I won a trophy in a spelling bee.

I was the only one in class who knew how to spell zeppelin.

You won awards for your photography.

Once I won a first place with that picture

of slum living conditions in New York City.

You never told me you won that.

I was ashamed.

I won it with a picture of your room.

Oh, what's the difference?

On my tombstone, they'll write

"Here lies a man who could spell zeppelin."

Felix, you're going to win that contest.

I can't move my arms.

I'll be your arms.

You're allowed an assistant, right?

I'll be the assistant.

I'll do the cooking for you!

Oh, you don't have to thank me, Felix.

What a great... BOTH: Ow!

No.

No funny hats.

Too bad to hear about your accident, Mr. Unger,

but I'm so glad you found a helper.

Yes, sir, thank you.

Well, you know the rules, Mr. Madison.

It was so very kind of you to help out.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are ready to start the finals.

Hey, we're on a time limit.

We better hustle.

I don't know if this is going to work, Oscar.

We've settled that. You give the orders.

You tell me what to do, I'll just do it.

Well, for openers, your apron's on backwards.

Oscar.

What do you want?

You want to borrow some beer and mustard?

Give me a couple hugs,

I'll let you have the whole roast.

Mr. Unger... I don't want to stand

next to the same stove as you, Miss Arcola.

I came to apologize. Please, let me explain.

What's to explain?

You did the worst thing a woman could do,

you tried to take advantage of the fact

that I was trying to take advantage of you.

I thought the whole thing over, and it was a stupid thing to do.

You see, my boyfriend, Sam, thinks

I'm a rotten cook,

because Rhoda, who used to go out with Sam, was a great cook.

So when I invited Sam over

for dinner with Dick and Pat, who also know Rhoda,

I made a fool of myself

because I couldn't cook as well as Rhoda.

So I thought if I could win this award,

I'd show Sam I could cook as well as Rhoda,

and I thought if I could win an all-new kitchen unit

he might even marry me.

He's been so cold to me.

I got as far as Sam and Dick.

I couldn't sleep all night.

I can't win by cheating.

Mr. Unger, I promise not to use your gravy recipe.

I'm going to do it all on my own.

That's all I wanted to say.

I'm sorry.

That's the saddest thing I ever heard.

Yeah.

Imagine, she's got a boyfriend.

I was going to ask her out again.

After she tricked you?

Sure, I don't hold a grudge against a figure like that.

You're hopeless.

But at least I can go back to my original gravy.

What do I do, chief?

Well, I want those potatoes mashed.

I'll check my ingredients.

I'll never complain about

mashed potatoes again being lumpy.

Oscar.

What?

Pick up the electric knife.

Oh, good. I like to work with this.

What do I do?

Turn it on.

Now press it against your throat.

Okay, Felix, the roast is ready.

I tied it just like you told me to.

That's how you tie a roast?

I said tie it, not take it prisoner.

I've seen mummies wrapped looser than that.

I'll take off some string.

Wait, wait, wait.

What?

What is that? What is that?

I ran out of string.

That's my shoelace.

Well, I sterilized it.

That's it. Call the judges.

Judges, I'm quitting!

Felix!

I don't want to be here

when you ladle the gravy with your shoe.

Oh, come on, Felix, give me a chance.

I'm just learning.

We're going to be a great cooking team.

Come on, please.

All right. But now anything you do,

you must tell me beforehand.

I promise. Okay.

Turning right, going to the stove.

Picking up the boiling potatoes

and burning fingers on hot pot.

Yelling, "Ow."

Ow!

I'm going to scrape the carrots.

Not with the electric knife.

Oh, I like to use this thing.

I cut the fat away from the roast good with it, didn't I?

Like Jack-The-Ripper.

Scrape with this little knife here.

This one?

Did I say "whittle"?

I said "scrape."

Like that?

That's "scrape."

Okay. Good.

Where's the eagle? Where's the eagle?

You going to cook an eagle?

No, it's to decorate.

The classic American roast, take these.

A meal should not only taste good,

it should look good.

The way you're cooking that roast,

we'll not only need the eagle,

we're going to need you standing there singing

"Columbia, The Gem of The Ocean."

Slow and easy, nothing to be afraid of.

Now close the door with your foot.

Not bad, not bad.

Put her down.

I think I can cover the rope burns

with bay leaves.

Now we're gonna pour off the juice and make gravy, right?

In a minute, first we're going to stir some flour

into the gravy.

Okay.

Not with the electric knife.

I like this thing.

Get the flour and a tablespoon.

And a tablespoon.

Now you sprinkle a tablespoon of flour into the gravy.

What's that sound?

I left the electric knife on.

Oh!

Oh, no.

It's stuck.

You're mutilating my roast!

Eh, it's all right.

Look at that!

How can I serve that

with a gaping hole like that in it?

Look, I'll shove... No, you won't!

I wouldn't permit the American eagle

to sit on a mess like that.

You mean you can't serve it?

Of course not! It has to be perfect!

Ten minutes to go.

Pick me up.

What?

Pick me up, do as I say.

Take me over to the pepper on the table.

Lower me, lower me.

Pick me up, take me to the salt.

Closer, closer.

Higher, higher.

That's it.

Pick me up.

Pick you up, put you down, what, what?

Take me back to the meat.

You going to use the electric knife now?

No, get me a ladle!

But is that allowed?

I don't know.

Here we go.

Higher, higher, okay.

I need a bowl.

A bowl.

No, not there, over here, yes...

Ladies and gentlemen,

the winner of the Golden Apron cooking award

is Mr. Felix Unger for his old favorite

American beef stew with Gravy à la Felix.

We won, Felix, we won!

The second prize goes

to Miss Barbara Arcola

for her shrimp diablo.

Excuse me, Judge.

There's been a mistake.

What?

Please.

Ladies and gentlemen,

my assistant and I won for beef stew.

But we didn't set out to make beef stew.

It was a fluke.

We did it to save a roast.

And that isn't fair to all the other fine culinary experts.

I relinquish my prize to the runner-up.

I do this because cooking is my love.

And I cannot accept any award I haven't won honestly.

Because in this world, where there's lying and cheating

and stealing in every walk of life...

Felix, you made your point.

I say, can't we at least have honesty in the kitchen?

Magnificent!

Ow! Ow!

Oscar?

Oh... Oscar.

Hey, Felix, old buddy, how you feeling?

Oh, I'm exhausted.

I put in the most tiring day at my studio.

Oh...

Just let me get my breath and I'll fix dinner.

Felix, you don't have to fix anything.

Tonight you're going to be treated

to the Oscar Madison specialty.

You cooked dinner?

Yeah, but like you said, it's not what you present,

but how you present it, right?

Well, I'm going to give you such a presentation.

I'm telling you...

Oscar Madison presents his new tomato surprise.

Hi, Felix.

Sharon!

Oh, oh... Okay, let's do it.