Original subtitles

Oscar, I'm going to be...

Very frank with you. I know.

The guys are getting nervous about playing with you.

What do they got to be nervous about?

They've been beating out my brains...

They're nervous about getting their money.

What?!

That's the truth, and you can't blame them.

Sure I can blame 'em, Felix.

Why, I never welshed on a gambling debt in my life.

Except one time, in Philly, a small debt with Henry Diamond.

And you're going to play tonight.

Positively.

And if I don't start winning,

I may use this razor.

Come with me, I want to show you something.

What's that?

A worthless check signed by you to me

from last week's poker game.

Let me look at that.

You'll notice it's stamped "insufficient funds."

When you write a check,

you're supposed to have enough money

in the bank to cover it.

So I made a little mistake.

If another check bounces,

they'll take away my scenic checks.

Oh, Oscar.

Felix, will you relax,

I'm really not in bad shape, honestly.

You mean if you write a check tonight

the bank will cash it tomorrow?

Positively, and if they don't, may a bolt of lightning

come down and strike me dead.

This is not where the trouble is.

That's where the terrible flash came from.

Well, it happens sometimes like that,

even when the trouble is someplace else.

Why?

If I knew that, I'd be an electrician,

getting ten bucks an hour,

instead of being a handyman.

I'll have to check out the fuse box in the basement.

Now that the lights are back on, can I at least finish vacuuming?

Uh-uh, no vacuuming until I find out where the trouble is.

I've got company coming in.

I can't have them seeing the place look like this!

You want them to see this place in ashes?

Hey, Lambretti!

Hey, did you find out what the trouble was?

I replaced the socket.

Look, if anything else goes wrong,

don't call me.

What do I know?

I'm just a handyman.

Whoa, Lambretti, whoa... you remember the dough you borrowed?

Yeah.

Well, I hate to bring this up, but could I have some of it now?

I'm a little short.

How much? Oh, about 50 bucks will do.

I only borrowed 50.

You're calling in 100% of a loan?

I'm not calling in anything, I'm begging.

You know when I'll give it to you? When?

When I get it.

Felix?

Absolutely not.

That was a mean and childish thing to do.

Well, first, I had to get your attention.

I want to ask you a question. No!

It has absolutely nothing to do with the $50.

What is it?

Can you lend me $40?

I've only got $15 to play with tonight!

Hi, Oscar.

Tonight's my night.

Hey, where is everybody?

You know, Speed, you're always the first one here,

and you always say, "Where is everybody?"

You're a very funny guy.

Hey, did I see a beautiful blonde on the elevator.

Yeah?

That's the Novaks' new maid.

I've seen her in the supermarket... very, very beautiful.

How are you, Speed?

Oh-ho, you ain't kidding.

I couldn't take my eyes off her on the elevator.

Wound up missing my floor.

Missing your floor.

You know something, Speed?

If you weren't married, I'll bet she'd go out with you

because you're a good-looking guy, you know that?

Oscar, whatever it is, no.

Come in!

Hi, Speed. Hi, Oscar.

What's news, Murray?

What's new?

I got talked out of writing a parking ticket,

that's what's new.

Hey, Murray, Vinnie.

Let's play poker.

Hey, Felix, I don't hear these guys

talking about my credit.

There's nothing to talk about.

Fellas, the bar is set up.

Make yourself drinks.

I ask only that you use coasters.

Come on, Oscar. Will you ante up?

I already did ante.

No, you didn't.

You rattled some chips, but you didn't ante.

All right, copper, I'll ante again, all right?

You took a chip out.

I'm going light.

And shut up and deal already.

Eight, six, ace, eight, king.

Ace bets.

Ace bets a dollar.

Can't make the bullet toward the buck, right?

Yeah, if you got another little bullet underneath there.

What are you going to do, Roy?

My, my, isn't he impatient?

Um, well, I guess I'll, uh...

You'll what? Make a decision, already.

What's the big deal?

Here we go.

Come and get it.

Hold it, wait a minute,

we're right in the middle of a poker game.

I'm a bluffer. Where you going?

It's time to eat.

You know I always bluff.

You probably got a dynamite card the whole evening.

Oh, look what you've done.

Do you know that you're a slob?

Can't you be a little bit more careful?

Come on, Roy, you know me.

Look at this.

You're not bluffing.

Felix, that was my first shot at a pot.

I had aces wired.

I'm sorry, I blew it for you.

Make yourself a sandwich, you'll feel better.

Poker face.

Hey, come on, eat, eat.

You'll feel better.

Hey, what's the matter?

It's a blackout, a power failure.

No, no, there's lights across the street.

It must be just here.

No, look, we had a little trouble before.

The super's down fixing a fuse.

They'll be on in a couple of minutes.

Have you got any candles, Felix?

I've got some on the chiffonier

but I was saving them for a candlelight dinner.

So have them for candlelight poker.

What's the difference?

No, no, we don't need any candles...

I got a flashlight.

Wh-Where's my flashlight?

Okay, who took my flashlight?

Light a candle, so I can find my flashlight, will you?

Don't try to switch on your gun, Murray.

Oh, there it is.

It was in my coat pocket all the time.

You're a great cop, you know, Murray?

That must be the super now.

I'll get it.

Well, come in.

Come in, come in.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I must be in the wrong apartment.

I hope not.

Well, all the lights are out

and I could not tell where I was.

Come in.

Do you mind if I stay for a few moments?

No, of course not.

Nah! Somebody blow out the candles.

I'm Felix Unger.

Pleased to meet you.

I'm Inga Virklund, the Novaks' new maid.

I know, I saw you in the supermarket.

I saw her in the elevator.

This is Speed, and this is Roy.

This is Oscar.

This is Vinnie and this is Murray.

Hello.

May I take your bag?

Thank you.

Ah. Avocados.

They were on special at the supermarket.

I know, two for $1.05, starts Wednesday, ends Friday.

I'm so glad all you men are here.

I feel so much safer.

Who did that?

Did what?

Well, somebody did a very naughty thing.

Okay, don't anybody move.

Now, who did that?

Do you want us up against the wall, Murray?

Ahh!

Fellas, fellas.

Aren't we being a little rude to our guest?

You're absolutely right.

Maybe she'd like to join the game?

No, thank you, I must be going.

Why so early... The shank of the evening?

I'm sorry, but I must get back to work.

Hey-hey!

Hey-hey! Hey-hey!

Wow! Hey-hey!

Well, let's hope for another blackout real soon.

Hey-hey.

Hey-hey.

Hey, Felix, how come you never introduced her to me before?

I didn't think you'd be interested

in somebody who cleans house.

Very funny.

Okay, fellas, let's play.

Yeah, that's what I say.

Everybody shut up and deal.

Hey, somebody ought to count

the money in the bank before we start.

I've told you guys 100 times to use napkins.

Whose deal?

Mine. Five card stud.

Hold it! There was a $50 bill right on top.

Well, it's not there now.

Okay, don't anybody move.

How we gonna find it if we don't move, dummy?

It probably fell on the floor.

Look on the floor, that's what it is.

Under the rug?

Somebody must have taken it as a gag.

Okay, the joke's over, put it back. Come on.

Yeah, put it back and we'll all laugh.

All right?

Come on, now, one more second, guys, and it's no joke.

Of course it's a joke, we're all friends.

Who's going to steal $50?

It's a gag.

What kind of a gag is that?

Somebody stole $50.

Will you stop being a cop for a minute?

Somebody's got to enforce the law.

If we took crime as a joke,

we'd be clowns instead of policemen.

Well, we would.

All right, whoever took it, put it back.

Come on, we're wasting valuable time.

You know what I think?

I think somebody must have taken it as a gag

and now they're too embarrassed to put it back.

I don't think so, Felix.

No one here ever gets embarrassed.

Vinnie, you asked about the bank.

Was it your little joke?

No, I'm sure it wasn't Vinnie.

I tell you what I'd like to do.

We'll put the lights out

and whoever took the money will put it back again,

and nobody will be any the wiser, all right?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

I'll try anything.

Come on, let's go, get it over with.

I'm going to count to ten.

And then you'll put them back on.

Off.

One...

Hey, who's watching the rest of the money?

That's liable to be gone, too, you know?

If it is, you can shoot to kill.

Seven, eight... nine, ten.

There it is.

There it is $50 right on top.

It's funny how it disappeared and now it's back.

Hilarious.

I mean, it's strange, like...

maybe it wasn't a joke.

Of course it was a joke.

But it wasn't funny.

Stealing never is.

Yeah, but, Felix,

don't you think we ought to...

I think it's water under the bridge.

I say let's forget it.

Come on, will ya? Let's play.

Put the money by the gun.

Let's play, or does somebody want to pick my pocket?

Five card stud.

Wait a minute! My watch is gone!

What?!

Really, somebody stole my watch, 185 bucks.

You've got to be kidding.

What kind of a night is this?

Oh, oh, wait a minute.

I, I'm sorry, I left it home.

I'm sorry, fellas.

Oh, Vinnie, you gave me a heart attack.

We've been playing together for seven years.

Nothing like this has ever happened before.

It gives you an eerie feeling.

I'd like to solve this mystery.

Will you conduct these investigations after the game?

Yeah. Big ace bets two dollars.

What time is it?

It's 10:15, and the bet is $2, Roy.

I'm cashing in, I told my wife I'd be home early tonight.

How come you didn't say that before I got the ace up here?

I'm sorry, Oscar. I, I got to go.

Me, too, this may sound like a phony coincidence,

but I did promise a guy

I would take his beat tonight.

Sounds like a phony coincidence.

You, too?

I got to go.

Well. I guess that's the game.

Come on, Speed, you'd stop a funeral procession

to play another hand.

Look, I'll get rid of the ace.

I'll take this... here, three.

Look, what are you panicking about?

There. There's always next week.

Oh. The pot owes me 50 cents.

See you next week.

Hey, Murray, wait up!

How do you like that?

Those guys ran out of here like I had the plague.

I wonder why they rushed out like that.

Do you really wonder why, Oscar?

You know, Felix, the more I think of the dummy

who played that practical joke with the $50, the madder I get.

Oh?

You notice how much trouble it caused?

How we started to mistrust each other?

That's why the game broke up early.

It wasn't a joke.

What?

There was a theft tonight.

You serious?

Very.

Really?

Who do you think did it?

Oh, come on, Oscar.

You know who did it.

No, I don't, I'm trying to figure it out.

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

What, what, what?

You think it was Speed?

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

Well, Speed was the big winner.

He didn't need the money.

That's a perfect opportunity.

That's nonsense, the big loser is the one who would take it.

No, Felix.

See, I was the big loser, see...

The big loser was me.

Felix, Felix, Felix.

You trying to say you think I took the money?

Yes! That's why I put it back for you.

You put the money back?

I took $50 out of my pocket, and put it back in the box.

Why?

Because, I didn't think you'd do it,

and I wanted to cover for you.

I can't believe it.

You just assumed I was...

Oh, Oscar, Oscar...

Never mind... no more with the "Oscar-Oscar."

How dare you cover for an innocent man.

That's insulting!

Oscar, I wasn't the only one who knew you took it,

everybody knew you took it.

What?!

Everybody knew you took it,

you, whose checks have been bouncing all over town.

Why do you think everybody was looking at you?

I thought they were looking to me for leadership.

They were looking to you for $50.

Well, search me. I don't have it!

If that's the way you want it...

That's the way it is, Felix.

Oh, forget it.

I'm too upset even to clean up.

I'm going to bed.

I'm shocked.

I'm really shocked to think that they suspect me.

In my whole entire life,

I never took anything that didn't belong to me!

Where could that money be?

Where could it be?

Look at this.

It's got to be the only house in America

with no dust under the rug.

It's got to be here somewhere.

Blanche's wedding ring.

She never loved me.

How about this?

They got me crawling around on the floor

in the middle of the night.

Some friends I've got.

There's no loyalty.

I'm going to sell all my friends.

I'm going to buy a dog.

How would great detectives

like Perry Mason and Charlie Chan...

How would they prove I was innocent?

Charlie Chan's Last Chance.

The Murder of The Crazy Butcher.

Molly's First Love.

The Strange Case of Henry Adams.

I read this guy before.

It's pretty good.

Okay.

"And Henry Adams, the accused,

"was brought before the bar of justice.

His friends looked at him accusingly."

Sure they did.

"Yet pure of mind and innocent in his heart,

he stood alone to face the verdict."

That poor guy.

"And as sure as the coming of the winter snows,

when all the evidence was in and had been sifted..."

Oh, go get 'em, Henry, go get 'em.

"Henry Adams was... guilty"?!

Ooh.

Science Versus Crime, that's more like it.

"The science involved was simple, almost primitive.

"If each of the suspects could somehow be brought back

"to the scene of the crime

"and the strategic questions put to them,

the guilty party would have to reveal himself."

That's the way to handle it, all right.

He even sleeps neat.

Hey!

Ah! What is it!? Who is it!?

Oscar!

Oscar?

Jeez, do you have to sleep with those stupid things on?

This helps me sleep.

Yeah, but I don't feel

like telling my troubles to the Lone Ranger.

What is it?

It's this money thing, it's really bugging me.

Well, that's guilt.

What are you talking about, guilt?!

I don't feel guilty because I didn't take any money!

All right, then what's bugging you?

What's bugging me is that you think I took it,

and the other guys think I took it!

All right, I don't think you took it.

Oh, everybody up.

You do think I took it.

Look, I can't sleep until I get to the bottom of this thing.

What time is it?

2:30.

2:30 in the morning?

What are you so excited about?

You've been up till 2:30 in the morning before.

Not when I have to get up at 6:00.

Felix, I've got to get to the bottom of this thing.

We'll do it tomorrow.

Now!

What do you mean now?

I'm calling all the guys here.

I'm going to get them all in one room.

And nobody gets out until the guilty party confesses.

You can't do that.

Why not?

I've nothing to serve.

Oscar, it's 3:15.

Good, Roy.

Every group needs somebody who can tell time.

Where's Murray?

Yeah, when you want a cop, you can never find one.

Don't worry, he'll be here any minute.

I must be nuts to be here.

Five more minutes and I'm going home.

Unless you want to play a couple of hands.

Just relax, will you, Speed?

Ah, proud man in blue.

Come into the house of Willie Sutton Madison.

Hey, you want to frisk me?

Oh, cut it out.

Now what's this all about?

And it better be good.

My wife thinks I'm fooling around

with a meter maid.

Just sit down.

And don't forget, fellas.

Hold onto your watches and your wallets.

Felix tells me that you, you...

My closest friends in the whole world,

guys I went to school with,

we had our hands stamped together

at the dances at Bayonne High...

That you think I stole that money.

Don't bother to deny it.

The truth is the only thing that matters.

Don't worry about my feelings.

You have to speak up,

no matter how difficult it may be.

You have to speak your true feelings.

Now, do you think I stole the $50?

Yes.

Roy, would you stand up, please?

Please.

Roy, you're an old and very dear friend.

You've been my trusted accountant

for a lot of years.

I want your answer without the pressure

of Felix's friends here.

And whatever your answer is,

there'll be no recriminations.

Now, you tell me, dear, trusted friend.

Tell me to my face

that you think I stole the money.

Oscar, I think you stole that money.

I can't believe it!

Everyone here has said

they think you took the money, Oscar.

I think you ought to believe it.

Look, do we have to go through all this?

If Oscar didn't steal the money,

somebody else did.

Well, so what?

We're all friends.

It's ridiculous to stay up all night

for a thing like this.

Yeah, let's forget the whole mess.

Oscar probably isn't guilty

or he wouldn't have gone through all this trouble.

Right.

Let's let bygones be bygones.

Forget it!

Yeah, let's forget it.

And besides, you put the money back, Oscar.

I didn't put the money back

because I didn't take it.

Felix put the money back.

Felix?

That doesn't make sense.

I put it back to cover for Oscar.

That makes sense.

It was nice of you to do it, Felix.

Hi, Inga. Come in.

What is the problem?

My boss does not want me to get calls at this hour.

Hi, Felix.

You called her, too? What is this?

I want everybody here so we can reenact the crime.

Crime? What crime?

Someone only brushed me.

I would not call that a crime.

Me neither.

Never mind!

Where were you guys when the lights went out?

Oh, Oscar, I don't remember.

Well, you better remember!

The sooner you get to it, the sooner we can all go to bed.

Come on, guys.

And I remember Felix was near the china...

Where were you, copper?

I was... Well, get over there.

All right, you were standing, if I remember correctly,

you were standing by Murray.

Ohh!

Well, I'm just reenacting the crime.

Okay. And I was over here, if I remember.

Right here.

Okay, everybody freeze.

Ah. Ah.

Now I hope you've learned your lesson.

As you can see,

you should never jump to conclusions.

Never accuse unjustly.

Look. Here I am.

The only one who was near the bank,

the only one who could have taken the money.

Which certainly proves that I am a rotten detective

and I shouldn't be listened to.

Murray, arrest Oscar.

I feel it's my duty to inform you of your rights...

It's my duty to inform you to shut your face, Murray.

Can we all go home now?

No, we're staying here until we clear this up.

Wait a minute.

Who had a ham, corned beef, salami, cream cheese

and tomato on rye?

With mustard or mayonnaise?

Mustard, of course.

I did, so what?

It proves, Oscar, beyond a shadow of a doubt

that you took the money.

You mean... I mean that, in the dark,

you made yourself a very expensive sandwich.

Oscar ate the money?

Exactly.

Well, I hope this teaches all of you a lesson.

Yeah. Not to make a sandwich in the dark.

No... not to assume someone is guilty

just because all the evidence points to him.

Oscar Madison is innocent!

Yay.

Excuse me, but it is getting late

and I must be getting back shortly.

Besides, I don't want my boss to think

that all Swedes do like in the movies.

Good night, Felix.

Good night, Inga.

Hey-hey.

Hey-hey, baby.

Fellas, since we're all here together,

what do you say?

One quick hand... before we go.

What else can it hurt, except my marriage?

Felix, since we're here and we're going to play...

What I mean is, uh...

could you lend me a little money?

Want to go to the supermarket with me?

Sure, Felix. That's why I came home early.

You're being sarcastic, aren't you?

I was only asking.

No, I'm going to hang around the house,

have a couple of beers.

I'm going to turn in early, I'm tired.

That's for me.

Have fun.

You, too, have a ball.

Ready, Felix?

Ready, Inga.

Hello.

Felix, what do you think?

I'm gonna go shopping with you.

No, Inga and I are going shopping Swedish style.

You're going to the market nude?

No, alone.

Look, I could come with you, I could push the carriage.

Hey-hey. Hey-hey.

Take care of the avocadoes.

Hey-hey.