Original subtitles

You in this game, Vinnie, or not?

Yeah, I'm in.

Put in!

Gee, Oscar, please, ooh, take it easy.

Boy, you been nasty, screaming all evening.

Well, I'm sorry, fellas,

but you know how the holiday season depresses me.

Oscar, just because you and your ex-wife

were married on December 25, is no reason

to hate Christmas.

Well, it's a pretty good start though, huh?

You want another reason why I'm so jolly?

Blanche and that guy she was all set to marry, they broke up.

You mean she and that retired general split?

Yeah.

Wow, what happened?

Last weekend, she took him home to meet her folks.

Monday morning, he put his uniform back on

and he volunteered for combat duty.

That's very funny?

Very funny, the alimony goes up.

Don't talk to me about Christmas, will ya?

All that sticky, phony goodwill.

I'd like to get a giant candy cane

and beat the wings off a sugar plum fairy. I'm out.

Felix was right.

Oscar will make a perfect Scrooge for our play.

He won't even have to act.

What, Murray, what?

It's for Murray's police charity.

We're all doing Charles Dickens

Christmas Carol at the Midtown Orphanage.

I'm all choked up.

Felix is directing

and he picked you to be Ebenezer Scrooge.

Didn't he tell you about it?

Yeah, he told... Did he tell you what I told him back?

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la... ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Tra-la-la-la-la... ♪

Gentlemen, partake of Christmas cheer.

Felix Unger's homemade eggnog and low-cal Christmas cookies.

Felix, you did it again!

I've never seen this before.

What is it, a gingerbread octopus?

No, it's a reindeer with antlers.

You're eating it upside down.

Oscar, have a cookie.

I have all the Christmas colors, red, white, green.

You got any black cookies?

I like black cookies.

I'm not doing your dumb play.

Of course you are... You're the perfect Scrooge.

I told you I'm not gonna do it!

I'm going to spend all my time trying to find a love potion

that will make Blanche fall in love with anybody.

Look, I pay alimony, too,

and I don't take it out on all the guys.

Besides, it's deductible.

I've got nothing to deduct it from!

You better be good,

or Santa isn't gonna bring you anything.

Santa, are you kidding?

Santa wouldn't... If he came down that chimney,

you'd have him cleaned and pressed.

I'm not doing your dumb play.

Please, Oscar, the kids need

a Scrooge they can hate.

You'd be perfect.

Oh, you want hate, fellas?

Why didn't you... I'm gonna give you hate.

I'm gonna give you all kinds of hate.

Don't tell me to hate hate.

Oh, you don't mean that.

You're sloppy, but you're not cruel.

Don't test me, Felix.

Oscar, in these troubled times

what do the words "Peace on earth

goodwill toward men," mean to you?

They mean, Felix, I've had you up to here.

I'm going to bed.

You can't, you've got to help me trim the tree.

Take the tree with you and trim it outside

because I'm throwing you out, Felix.

That's your Christmas present.

It's snowing outside.

That's perfect for you, it'll hide the dirt.

Merry Christmas, ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho... That's our Scrooge.

I think these belong to you.

If they're not stained, crumpled or smelly,

they probably do.

Look, why don't you take what you need for the night,

send for the rest tomorrow.

You're impossible to live with

at this time of year.

You said you wanted me to leave and I'm leaving.

I presume that's the way you still want it?

That's exactly the way I want it.

Soon as I get my overcoat and galoshes,

I'll trouble you no more.

Wait a minute, I just threw you out.

Why are you giving me a gift?

It's your Christmas present.

Yeah, well, I don't want it.

Neither do I.

I got a gift for you, too. It's under the sink.

Yes, I know, I found it there last week.

What were you doing under the sink?

Some people are known to clean under there.

Well, Merry Christmas.

Good-bye forever, old buddy.

Peace on Earth.

After that speech, I thought you'd leave by the chimney.

If anybody should wish to contact me,

I'll either be at my studio rehearsing the play,

or whatever hotel has a vacancy this time of year.

Hold it, Felix.

Take this with you.

You know, I was wrong to ask you to play Scrooge.

Next to you, he was a saint.

Aah, hope you get mugged by an orphan.

Boy, that Charles Dickens was sure a genius.

This is a wonderful play.

Yes, but without the right person playing Scrooge,

it could be a bomb, Don't you agree, Speed?

Hey, Speed?

He must love the writing.

Hey, come on.

Lolita and The Naked Pharmacist

Or Happiness Is A Hot Drugstore

It got terrific reviews, really.

Besides, I read this Dickens story. Let me have it.

Hey, Murray, where you been?

Oh, sorry I'm late.

Some wino got tangled up

in a Christmas display window.

We booked him on a charge of assaulting an elf.

Hey, where's Felix?

He's back there, pacing.

You know him, he always gets so involved.

Yeah, well, he'd better really get involved in this play,

'cause without Oscar playing Scrooge, we're in deep trouble.

No, we're not.

We don't need Oscar Madison to make this show a hit.

The theater is a collaborative effort,

not a vehicle for the talents of an individual.

Orson Welles said that.

Fellas, if we pull together,

we can make this a heck of a show.

Yeah, let's all work hard.

I want to invite the police commissioner.

But, Felix, you make it sound so serious.

It's only a little play for kids.

Oh, if that's your attitude, forget it.

I mean, why do you have me to direct it?

Let, let Speed direct it.

Come on, Felix.

We want you, Felix.

But wouldn't it be better if Oscar played Scrooge?

No, Oscar said he doesn't want to play the part.

I, for one, refuse to beg him.

We'll find somebody else to play the part.

Roy, read for the part.

Oh, j...

Felix, I can't play Scr...

Trust me. I don't have the...

Trust me. Read. But...

"Christmas... bah... humbug.

"If I had me way,

"every fool that goes about shouting 'Merry Christmas'

should be boiled in a plum pudding..."

There are no small parts, only small actors.

Remember that.

You're going to be marvelous on the snow.

I guess that means you were lousy.

Uh-uh-uh!

We've only scratched the surface.

We'll find the right man for the job.

Murray.

Felix... you want me to try for Scrooge?

No, Murray, you're too full of humanity.

Nobody would ever believe you were a mean person.

Even if you kicked a dog on the stage,

nobody would ever believe it.

I would never kick a dog, Felix.

I know that, Murray.

Directors sense these things.

Really?

You are Ebenezer Scrooge.

You hate everything that is warm and decent,

because you've never known warmth and decency.

Other people are having the fun you should be having

and you despise them for it

and you'll make them pay.

Now read Scrooge!

Christmas, huh?

Bah, humbug on Christmas!

Who needs it?

You fools, you pigs!

If I had me way,

I'd have you all flogged, you hear?!

Hey, hey!

Hey, hey!

Vinnie!

Vinnie...

Vinnie...

I-I guess I was pretty bad, huh?

Come on, sit down. Come on.

You have a... an unusual gift, Vinnie.

If we ever do Scrooge as an ax-murderer,

you've got the job.

Speed?

Hmm? It's your ball.

What do you want?

I want you to read.

Oh, read this? No, Felix, I'd get embarrassed.

You're among friends, Speed. Don't be coy, come on.

Come on, read.

Okay.

"Waldo the soda jerk

"took Lolita behind the prescription counter.

"With him he brought a crutch,

"two thermometers and a banana split to go."

Charles Dickens never wrote that.

I didn't say he did.

Where it says "Scrooge," read.

Oh.

Christmas bah humbug humbug I say if I had my way I would...

Thank you very much, that's the first time

I've ever heard Scrooge performed as an auctioneer.

You don't get the part.

I told you that.

Felix, we're in big trouble.

We'd better beg Oscar to reconsider.

Nobody here can play Scrooge.

Not everyone here has auditioned for the part.

Right, Felix hasn't auditioned yet.

Yeah, I'll bet he can do it.

Fellas, I appreciate your thinking of me, but...

I could, I could, I could play it

but if I did, we wouldn't have a show for the kids.

Somebody's got to be backstage

and run all the technical things.

It's very difficult.

I can't do it.

I'd like to show you how it ought to be done, though.

Christmas? Bah, humbug!

If I had my way, every fool that shouts "Merry Christmas"

"should be boiled in a plum pudding

and buried with a sprig of holly through his heart."

We'd better get Oscar, huh?

You're the only one who can play the part.

Hey, Felix!

Speed: Felix, will you tell Oscar he's the only one?

Gone 24 hours, and already this lovely apartment

has reverted to a jungle.

Yep, the Board of Health

is going to take away your gold star.

This is my apartment and this is the way I like it!

I didn't come to bandy words with you, Oscar.

I'm here solely on behalf of those children.

Hold it a minute, will you, Felix?

I can't take a sob story on an empty stomach.

Vinnie, would you get up a minute, please?

You're sitting on the meat loaf.

Oscar, we need you for the play.

Now, what do you say? Come on.

No chance.

That spicy food will bring back your ulcer.

You're not going to sleep a wink tonight.

Oscar, maybe the reason Christmas gets you down

is because you just think about yourself.

But if you do the play for those kids at the orphanage...

Murray is making a very solemn, psychological point.

If you would do something for others,

you would find you were doing something for yourself.

Oh, forget psychology, Oscar.

Look, it would be just a nice thing to do.

Just plain nice.

Especially at Christmastime, Oscar.

I mean, It can be the loneliest time of the year for a person

if he doesn't have a little love in his heart. Yeah.

Fellas, I'd like to help you out...

I feel for the kids, I really like kids...

But I'm just not in the mood, that's all.

Mr. Oscar Madison? Yeah.

You have a singing telegram.

Lay it on me, kid.

♪ Season's greetings, Oscar boy, my alimony's due ♪

♪ If you don't pay up right away ♪

♪ I'll get the cops on you ♪

♪ And you'll spend Christmas in the clink ♪

♪ With other bums like you. ♪

Signed, "Your former wife, Blanche Madison."

You expect a tip from me for that?

What tip? She sent it collect.

You were talking about love in the heart?!

Aw, Oscar.. Oscar...

Come on, don't let a couple of bad breaks

turn you against Christmas.

Don't give me any of that Christmas jazz, Murray!

Now clear out, everybody!

I'm not going to do the play, that's final.

All right, all right, come on, come on.

Get out of here! Let's go, let's go.

Merry Christmas, sir. Everybody...

Get him out of here!

Stay out of his way.

He's dangerous this time of year.

In case you don't recognize him, that's Ebenezer Scrooge.

Oh, save your breath.

That's who you are... The real Scrooge!

You'd better get out of here!

Huh?!

Bunch of bleeding hearts, that's what they are.

Just because I'm realistic about Christmas, they call me Scrooge.

I'd like to give 'em a...

What's that noise?

Hey, keep it down!

People are trying to rest!

I'm going to call the cops!

That's right!

Look at this.

Look at this. Merry Christmas.

Bunch of bleeding hearts.

Oh, boy. Whoo...

I don't think I should have had that meat loaf.

Not after the chili and liverwurst.

For tonight's television special,

we proudly present

Charles Dickens' immortal Christmas Carol.

Sure, Christmas Carol preempts the roller derby.

That figures for me, right?

That figures... That really figures...

Marley was dead, dead as a doornail.

Of that, there was no doubt.

Yet before the night was out, his apparition...

my apparition will appear

terrify and change the hated, crotchety, sloppy...

Ebenezer Madison.

Bah, humbug.

Christmas is humbug.

Ebenezer Madison...

What was that?

Look at your television set.

That's the lousiest commercial I ever saw

Don't touch that remote control device!

How'd you do that?

You will be haunted tonight, Ebenezer Madison,

until the bitterness in your heart is no more.

Haunteeeeeed...

Aah, it's just bad reception, that's all.

Wait till that TV repairman gets here,

I'm going to kick him down the stairs!

Surprise!

You're not really here.

I'm imagining it all.

It was all that spicy food I ate.

You know, you're nothing but a bad dream.

Wrong, Ebenezer.

Can a dream do this?

Look, pick a card, any card.

Oh, please, go away.

Ooooooooh... Come.

Hey, wait a minute, wait, this is wrong.

I've read the story.

You're not really Marley's ghost.

They couldn't get Marley.

It's his busy season.

Come, I'll show you the first vision.

Are you crazy? That's 12 floors down!

"Touch but my hand

and you will be upheld in more than this."

Would I tamper with a classic?

Ooh! Oh!

I warned you, you nut!

Boy, that guy must be some kind of dumb-dumb.

I tried to tell him.

Don't say a word.

We'll take an alternate route.

How? We'll take the elevator.

Come.

I think I saw this place in a "Wolf Man" movie once.

I don't like it.

You think I like it?

Can you imagine what this fog is doing to my sinuses.

Aah!

Begone, fog, begone.

I'm shivering. Why is it so cold here?

Because, Ebenezer Madison,

we are entering your own coldhearted past.

Look back...

into your Christmas past...

"Dear Santy Claus:

"This Christmas I wanted a pony.

"That was the only thing I asked for.

"Not a horsey, just a little pony.

"I know Mommy and Daddy said it was stupid

"to have a pony in the Bronx, but I could...

"I could...

"I-I could have kept him in my bedroom.

"But Santy, you didn't give me nothing. Just a...

"Just an old ugly rubber duck here with a busted honker!

"So I hope your stupid reindeers attack you, you fat creep!

Yours truly."

I don't want to see anymore.

Perhaps a look into Christmas present

will change your mind.

Come along, dear Tiny Tim.

Come along.

And don't touch the snow.

You don't know where it's been.

I know that face.

But I can't place it.

Who is it?

Your clerk, Bob Cratchit.

What clerk? I don't have any clerks.

Merry Christmas!

What a joy it is

to be home in one's hovel on Christmas day.

Come in, Tiny Tim.

God bless us all, every one.

Good. Hold that thought.

Are you hungry, poor teeny-tiny Timmy?

God bless us all, every one.

Of course, you're delirious with hunger.

I best call my other poor children.

Careful, Tiny.

Don't bang the furniture with the crutch.

God bless us all, every one.

Keep saying that, and someday you'll grow up to be a cop.

Children, your father is home

with your tiny brother, Tiny Tim.

If we weren't so poor, I'd change your name.

Children, Dada is home.

Come quickly, come quickly, everybody. Dada!

Will you wager or not?

I'm in for a shilling.

Merry Christmas, Tiny Tim, my sad brother.

God bless us all, every one.

Ah, shut up, and let's play cards.

Come on, let's play cards.

I've seen enough of this weird garbage.

I'm going home.

I want to get a seltzer.

My ulcer's acting up.

Look... Boys, come close.

Let's huddle for warmth.

Oh, how lucky we are to be together on this day of days.

Yeah, we're lots luckier than Ebenezer Madison.

Boo! Boo! Boo!

Boo! Boo! Boo!

Boys, boys, for shame!

It's a good thing your mother isn't here

to hear you talking that way.

Where is Mommy, Dada?

I don't know.

All I know is that I put the alimony check in the mail,

and the government does the rest.

God bless us all, every one.

Poor Tiny Tim.

I'd like to lend him some money so he could have his nose fixed.

Think of what an empty Christmas he must be having

with nobody to care about him but a dumb rubber duck.

I know! Let's sing him

"A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens.

I'm in for eight bars.

I'll see that and raise you 12 bars.

God bless us all, every one.

Boys, let's hear it now

for Ebenezer Madison,

no matter how terrible a person he may be.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Hey! Bum, bum, bum, dee, dee, doo ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum, da, dee... ♪

They're singing for me.

They don't hate me.

I've been so miserable to them.

Hey, ghost, is it... Hey, ghost?

Where are you?

Don't leave me alone now.

Look upon Christma yet to come, Ebenezer!

Oh, no.

It can't be, ghost.

I'm too young.

It's mine.

"This messy grave marks the last resting place

of Oscar Madison."

Hey, listen, ghost, that isn't fair.

You know, I don't want to go this way.

With nobody remembering me, nobody caring!

It's my only friend, ghost.

Listen, you got to give me another chance.

Please, one more chance.

Please!

Please!!

Please...!

Please!

Oscar! Oscar! Please!

Please! Oscar, hey, hey.

What? What? Who? Who? You're having a nightmare.

All that spicy food you ate, no wonder!

Oh, yeah, yeah, you did tell me my ulcer would act up.

Yeah, well, you should have listened to me.

Got my things all packed, Oscar.

This is good-bye.

What do you mean, good-bye? What good-bye?

The fellas are outside waiting for me.

They wanted me to make one last-ditch effort

to get you to play Scrooge.

We're rehearsing tonight and you could make it.

But I said you'd never be interested.

And I'll have to play it myself, Oscar.

Good-bye. Oh, hold it, Felix.

Hey, hey, watch it, watch yourself now.

I'm a former serviceman. Don't do anything rash.

What? What are you talking about?

You are the best friend I have in the whole world.

I am? Yes.

I am? Yes!

And Roy and Speed and Vinnie and Murray...

All my good friends, and what kind of a friend have I been?

I wouldn't even be in a lousy Christmas play for you guys.

This is the real you

that's underneath the other real you.

Well, this real me that's underneath

the other real me is the only real me

you're ever gonna see from now on.

I'm gonna make this the best Christmas my friends ever had!

Will you do our play?

Of course I will.

Come on, I got to learn my lines.

Wait a minute, I've got my bags packed, I got everything...

What do you mean you're packed?

They're going to stay right here where they belong.

You mean it? I mean it!

Come on, let's go.

What-what-what, what is that?

What is what? Huh, huh, huh, huh.

If I knew... Oh, that was nothing.

Let's go.

Felix!

There's Tiny Tim!

Oscar! Oscar!

There's Tiny Tim.

It's Murray! Your old friend.

We're on our way to costume rehearsal.

Murray. Oh, it is you!

Oh, you don't know what kind of a scary dream I had.

That's from all that spicy food you eat.

Yeah, listen, we're going to go to rehearsal,

and I'm going to be the best Scrooge there ever was!

God bless you, Oscar,

and God bless us all, every one.

♪ Hark the herald angels sing ♪

♪ Glory to the newborn king ♪

♪ Peace on Earth and mercy mild ♪

♪ God and sinners reconciled. ♪

You like the nightcap I stole from the play?

Mm-hmm. It's very nice, very nice.

I would have one minor note.

It's a little too nice.

I have the same note about your performance.

You were just a little too nice.

The kids loved you, but if you were a meaner man,

the transformation at the end

would have been sharper, more effective.

Thank you, George Jean Nathan.

I'll wait to see what the other critics have to say.

Right. What about the tree?

I helped to do that. That's nice, isn't it?

Very nice. Very, very beautiful.

I have one minor criticism here, too.

Not important, just a quibble,

but I do think that your support hose's

not quite the proper Christmas spirit.

Yeah, but I'm new at this kind of thing.

Hey, Felix, I got something I want you to open tonight,

I can't wait. Oh, no, no, not tonight...

Why not? Tomorrow.

Oh. But I have to give you one, too.

Okay, let's go.

All right. Now... all right.

"This gift certificate entitles Mr. Felix Unger

"to select a superior, all-new air-germ humidifier

and croup kettle in choice of color..."

Oh, Oscar, it's what I've wanted so badly!

I thought it would help your allergies.

It will. Open.

Oh, Felix!

A garbage can with my initials on it.

Where did you get it?

I had it custom made.

Open the top! Open the top! Okay.

Merry Christmas, Oscar.

Merry Christmas, Felix.