Original subtitles

Is that you putting a flower

in your buttonhole?

Yeah, you like it?

Yeah, but aren't you afraid

the jacket'll wilt the flower?

What are you talking about?

I just got it cleaned.

You should have had it pressed while you were at it.

What are you doing in your pajamas?

I thought you had a date with Geraldine.

Geraldine and I had a tiff.

We are no more.

Oh, a tiff, huh?

Took her to a cocktail party last night,

I ended up taking another girl home.

Why'd you do that?

Because she put a lampshade on her head...

She can't handle her liquor.

Hey, what's Geraldine's phone number?

Oh, come on.

Oh, I'm only kidding.

I got a date with Gwen Pigeon tonight.

When she drinks, she gets frisky.

Have fun.

I will.

Oh, come on, call Geraldine, will you?

Lampshades aren't so bad.

When my ex-wife used to have too much to drink,

she'd put on her ballet shoes and do Swan Lake.

How I used to pray for a real lake,

so she would fall in!

And a hungry crocodile would come along...

Hello.

Unger. Rudy Mandell.

How you doing, man?

Listen, I'm really on a bummer.

I'm stuck in Canada

and my photographer copped out on me.

Now, can you catch Canadian flight 306 to Quebec?

For what?

To do a cover for Lifestyle Publications.

Wow!

I left a ticket for you at the airport.

The plane leaves in 68 minutes.

Tonight? You couldn't have called a little later?

Unger! This is a fast-paced, happening world.

There are no time for formalities.

Why do you think advertising

has accepted me in such a big way?

Because your father-in-law owns the agency.

Yeah, but he knows his daughter married a today guy.

Now, what do you say, Unger?

Will you take the job?

Look, if I'm going to make that plane,

I've got things to do... I've got to pack,

I've got to cancel an appointment,

I have to buy cold pills.

Unger, you stick with me,

I will make you a giant on Madison Avenue.

I'm where it's at and I want you with me.

That's not exactly where I want to be,

but for a Lifestyle cover, I'll do it.

Oh, right on!

Right off!

"Oscar, leaving for Canada...

"Would you call...

"48 hours... Cancel model for Thursday."

Traffic on the East River Drive was brought to a standstill

at the rush hour this evening by a pet ocelot,

which was said to have escaped from a Sutton Place townhouse.

The driver of the car responsible for the pile-up

is threatening to sue the owners of the ocelot...

for whiplash and possession of a dangerous animal.

Yeah.

Oh, hi, Vinnie.

Yeah, just a minute.

Felix! For you.

Wait a minute, Vinnie.

Felix!

Oh! No, he's not.

No, his bed hasn't been slept in.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe he got lucky.

Yeah. I'll tell him.

So long, Vinnie.

Go get 'em, Felix.

Hello? Hello?

Nothing.

Wouldn't you know it?

The phone is snowbound, too.

Boy, that's the topper.

I lost my wallet.

I was so rushed,

I left it at the airline counter,

along with my toilet articles, my cold pills.

You know, I once had

the Victor cold pill account.

But they fired me.

Said the ad campaign was too far out.

I remember that ad.

The nude with the runny nose.

That was in questionable taste, don't you think?

No. It was heavy.

Felix is right, it was in questionable taste.

I know. I was the nude.

I thought you looked familiar!

Felix is missing?

He can't be,

I just dealt him in.

Just like that, huh?

He's been gone since Wednesday night, no phone calls, nothing.

That's why I'm waiting for Murray to get here.

Come on, sit down, Oscar.

We can play without Murray.

Speed, for goodness sakes, didn't you hear?

Felix is missing.

Yeah, so we can play with four.

Look, what do you want to bet he shows up tonight.

All I have to do is deal him a hand,

he'll show up.

Speed, somebody deals a hand, you show up.

But it happens Felix is the one that's missing.

What about work?

Hasn't he been to work?

That's what worries me.

One of his models called me up today,

told me she had an appointment with him and he didn't show up.

Now Felix never misses an appointment!

Especially with a model.

Are you guys gonna play poker?

Speed, will you hold it a minute?

This is the last time I'm playing poker

at a missing persons bureau.

It's not like Felix to drop out of sight.

Drop out of sight.

Oscar!

Remember that time...

The night his wife walked out on him?

And he got out on the ledge and was going to jump!

You don't think...?

Down on the street, with all that litter?

Felix wouldn't jump down there.

Yeah, Felix would do it in a cleaner way.

Anybody beat aces?

What makes you guys think he committed suicide?

Felix didn't commit suicide.

I'm gonna take the pot.

Take the pot, it's your money! Take the pot!

Oscar, how do you know he didn't commit suicide?

All right!

All right, that proves it.

You satisfied? Felix didn't commit suicide.

It's a black suit, what does that prove?

Felix always wears his black suit

for formal functions

like funerals, weddings and suicides.

Well, here we are

under the worst possible conditions.

We're snowbound, no phone, no wallet, he's here.

Let's have fun!

You know, there must be

ten feet of snow out there.

We're really snowbound.

I just don't believe it... Snowbound.

This is really getting me uptight.

Look, I have got people to see,

and deals to make.

We could be trapped up here a week,

away from everything that's happening.

By the time we get back,

you won't be happening.

Felix, are you saying

we're all going to be trapped in here?

Yes, that's exactly what he's saying.

My father-in-law will not understand this.

When I get back,

I'll probably find my desk in the mailroom.

I just don't believe it.

Snowbound.

Well, we have plenty of food,

but we're almost out of firewood.

We've got brandy!

That's a great warmer-upper!

All right, freeze.

I haven't said anything up till now.

I think now it's serious.

We will not be able to shoot this layout.

Oh, of course we will.

We'll shoot it in here.

We'll pose the girls around the fireplace

in front of the window...

We'll call the layout "Snowbound."

Snowbound.

Unger! That's now thinking.

Go, now, in the other room.

Watch Sesame Street.

I don't think there's a TV.

Pretend.

Oh. Can I watch...?

Well, I can watch anything I want.

I don't have to ask you.

What are we going to do

when the brandy and firewood are gone?

There's always the old Eskimo custom

of huddling close together for warmth.

Maybe we ought to practice the Eskimo thing now

in case, we have to, uh... do it tonight.

That's now thinking.

Besides, if Felix was going to end it all,

he'd leave a note, neatly typed and in three volumes.

He leaves a note when he goes to empty the trash.

Hey, my wife always leaves a note for me

in the refrigerator on top of the six pack.

All right, we'll try it.

Oscar!

In a minute.

I can't believe it.

What?

There's no beer.

And no note, either.

Here, here, I found it. Here's a note.

Let me see, let me see.

"Pick up some tuna, cheese and a six pack of beer."

Done! I finally won one.

Do you believe this man?

What about your bedroom?

Nah, Felix never goes into my bedroom.

It makes him sick.

He could have left a note on your pillow.

I'm telling you, he didn't leave a note on my...

I tell you, there's nothing in here.

Nothing here?

It looks like Wall Street after a ticker tape parade.

I've been so worried about Felix,

I haven't had a chance to clean up.

Hey, hey, what's this?

I think I found it.

Let me see.

Hey!

"Oscar, this is the end.

"We're finished.

"I can't stand it another second, picking up after you,

"your running around,

your coarse, loud-mouthed poker-playing friends..."

Coarse?!

"By the time you read this, I'll be in Reno."

Reno?

This isn't from Felix, it's from my ex-wife.

What do you know?

Blanche left me a note when she walked out on me.

Oscar, she walked out on you two years ago.

Yeah, I didn't even know she could write.

Look, I told you Felix didn't leave a note here.

Bet.

Bet, bet, bet your brains out.

Have you checked with the police?

I'm waiting for Murray to get here.

You think Murray is missing, too?

Will you guys stop playing Dick Tracy

and let's play poker?

Speed, I don't believe you.

You'd miss your own funeral

to play poker.

Just bury me with openers.

Murray.

Hey!

Hi! Listen, I want to talk to you.

Hold it a minute, Oscar.

Felix isn't here, right?

That's what we want to talk to you about.

I know. How could you know?

I've had a lot of tough assignments

since I've been on the force,

but this is the toughest.

Guys?

Men... I don't know how to say this.

Say what?!

I got a car downstairs.

I want all of you to come downtown with me.

What for?

To identify Felix.

Identify Felix? I can identify him...

A nice-looking guy

a pain in the neck about cleaning up, but...

Oscar, this is no joking matter!

Why are you so upset?

He's in the morgue.

Felix?

It's Felix's wallet, all right.

That was once the picture

of his ex-wife and his ex-dog.

And his credit cards.

Cards?

Oh, credit cards.

You're sure?

Oh, I'd know Felix's wallet anyplace,

without the dogs, without the ex-wives...

Yeah, how would you know that?

'Cause his name is stamped in gold there.

Oh, you're right.

It's your Unger's wallet.

Uh, let's see the body.

Vinnie, Vinnie?

Vinnie?

What is it?

Vinnie, come on, boy.

You know, he looked like a fainter.

Better get him out of here.

I don't think he can take it.

He'll be okay.

Man of iron.

I knew he couldn't take it.

Clean one, all right.

You hear that, Roy? Clean.

That's Felix.

That's Felix?!

They found him in the river.

It changes people.

I don't care, that's not Fe...

How long was he in the water?

Last night. Possibly Thursday morning.

I don't care how long he was in the water,

I tell you, that's not Felix!

Poor Felix.

Your little heart is pounding away.

It's hard to believe.

He laid out his last buffet.

That's him! That's him!

That's Sam, all right.

Poor Sam.

He looks so peaceful.

Like he was lying on a bench

sleeping it off.

You see, a reliable source

agrees with me that's not Felix.

But he had Felix's wallet!

He was my best friend.

How long did you know him?

Since about 12:00 last night.

Where'd he get Unger's wallet?

I never saw that before.

Then why did you push your friend Sam in the river?

Who, me?

Now why would I do that?

He had the wine.

We were pals.

We were gonna open a business together.

Cassettes.

Take him up.

I want to find out what he knows

about this Sam character.

And you, all of you.

Let's go upstairs.

I want a few answers from you.

To what questions?

Like where's Felix Unger?

That's a good question.

What are we doing here?

This is crazy, we're wasting time.

We should be out looking for Felix!

All of you, sit down here.

Murray.

Over here.

Hey, Sarge, you don't happen to have

an extra deck of cards around, do you?

Speed. This is headquarters,

downtown.

Thanks.

See, he gives me a deck of cards,

you give me the address... That's why he's a sergeant.

Don't be nervous.

I'm not nervous, I'm cold.

You knew Unger pretty well, didn't you?

Uh... yes.

We used to go over to his house to play...

to play... Poker, right?

I know all about your weekly game.

Murray told me.

Why do you think he was in your game?

'Cause I didn't want him in mine.

Till I get my promotion.

Right, Sarge?

We'll see.

Did he have any enemies?

Who?

Unger!

Felix?

That's who we're talking about.

No one ever threatened him?

Felix?

Oh-oh, no.

Oh, well, uh... Someone did threaten him?

Felix?!

Well, not really.

Suppose you tell me all about it.

Yeah, tell us, Vin.

Who threatened him?

W-well, it was, uh, just a couple of days, uh,

after Felix moved into Oscar's apartment.

Let's see... I had just gotten there.

Hi, anybody home?

Hi, Vinnie, come on in.

Hi, Felix. Hey, does that stuff work?

Very efficient.

Hi, Oscar.

Hey! You notice anything?

What happened to the wall?

I scrubbed it.

What do you mean, you scrubbed it?

It was filthy.

It was a mess...

Especially right over here near the phone.

Felix, that was not a mess,

those were my hot numbers!

This is no place to put them down.

Well, some people have little black books,

but you could lose little black books.

I never thought I could lose a wall!

You scrubbed out Loretta and Shirley and Marie...

Keep your hands off there!

Felix, I could kill you!

"Felix, I could kill you!"?

Wait a minute.

Vinnie, you make it sound like I was sore at Felix.

You were.

Yeah, but tell him we made up later.

They made up later.

Yeah and tell him

what good friends we are, in spite our fights.

They're good friends in spite of...

Quit leading the witness, Madison!

Sit down, I'm running this show... now!

Better sit down, Oscar.

Oh, I'll remember this, Judas, oh...

Copper.

What about you?

You ever hear anyone threaten Unger?

Come to think of it.

One of the guys did threaten Felix.

But Oscar didn't mean it.

"Oscar didn't mean it"?

Sit down, Madison.

But... Now!

Tell your story and don't be intimidated.

Well, I know those two guys like I know a ledger sheet.

And they balance each other.

One night, after the game was over...

What time is it, Vin?

Quarter to 12:00

Why are we quitting so early?

Felix, did you see the piece of paper I had next to the pickle?

The score sheet?

Yeah, I need it to settle up.

I'm the big winner this week.

No, you're not, I am.

This is the first time I've won in six weeks!

You're out of your mind.

I won every other pot.

You telling me now that I'm not the winner?

Speed's right.

Besides, I threw it away.

You threw it away? Why?

Because it was green with pickle juice.

To you that was pickle juice,

to me it was money!

Well, who needs it? I remember who took what.

I don't trust your memory. Now, where is it?

I threw it down the trash chute.

And that's when Madison wanted to kill Unger, hmm?

No, no, it wasn't

until after he ran down to the basement

and dug through all that garbage

and found the paper.

Felix remembered everything exactly right.

Speed was the big winner, Oscar the loser.

That's right, Murray.

It was an honest mistake.

I've heard that one before.

Inspector Flanigan, you're a poker player, aren't you?

Wouldn't you be furious

if somebody threw away the score sheet?

Maybe. But I don't think I'd threaten to murder him.

I didn't... Sit down, Madison.

Oscar, do what he says.

What about you?

You ever hear Madison threaten to kill Unger?

No, I never heard him threaten to kill Felix.

All I heard was Oscar once

was threaten to break Felix's neck.

Which has been proven by medical authorities

not to be fatal... in some cases.

Thanks a lot, Speed.

Tell me what you remember about the incident.

Better tell him, Speed.

Yeah. Go on, bury me.

Let's see.

It was during one of our regular friendly games, you know?

Come on, Roy! How many cards?

I'm just trying to decide what to do.

Hello?

Just a moment, please.

Oscar, it's for you.

I'm busy.

It's a girl.

Take my hand, will you?

Okay, I think I'll take three.

Three.

Cards?

Hmm.

Felix, you can't draw five cards.

I know that.

I'll take one.

Dealer takes two.

Call you right back.

Felix, what did you do?

Well, I, I...

You broke up a pair of kings

to draw to an inside straight?

I remember that.

And he drew another king.

I could have killed him!

This is a frame-up.

I'm being framed by myself.

And my ex-best friends.

I don't believe it!

All right, I've heard enough.

So have I, this is the craziest...

Hold it right there, Madison, not another word.

You needn't make any statement or answer any questions

without your lawyer present.

Thank you, but they didn't ask for their lawyers.

They didn't need one.

Needless to say, Madison,

you're my prime suspect in the case.

Would it be unconstitutional to ask what case?

All you have so far is a wet wallet!

At this point, who knows?

Missing person, kidnapping, maybe even murder.

Murder?

But it wasn't Felix down there.

You can't hold me for that!

Well, it can't be too serious.

He didn't ask me not to leave town.

Madison! Don't leave town.

Boy, you guys did it to me, huh?

When a guy's got friends like you,

he also needs a very good lawyer!

Look, you were always saying things like that, weren't you?

I mean, we told the sergeant you didn't mean a word of it.

Didn't we?

Oh, that made all the difference.

Thanks, Roy.

You know it, it makes a difference

between first-degree and third-degree murder.

If Truman Capote would write this,

it'd be a best-seller.

It's hard to believe Felix is really gone.

Felix isn't gone!

I mean, yes, he's gone, but he's not really gone.

I don't know what I mean.

Come on, everybody, let's play a few hands, huh?

Listen to that!

How can he think of cards at a time like this?

You should be thinking of Felix!

I am thinking of Felix.

This could be a memorial poker game.

What are you doing?

It's in Felix's memory.

Put it down!

You shouldn't always have been saying

you were gonna kill him.

That was wrong.

It's an expression!

I'd have to be crazy

to mean a thing like that!

Hey! I got a great idea.

What's a great idea?

Temporary insanity.

You better sit down.

Don't think I forgot, Judas.

Hey, the winners could chip in for Oscar's lawyer.

Oscar doesn't need a lawyer!

'Cause Felix isn't dead... He's missing, that's all!

I don't want to hear about it anymore.

I don't even want to hear his name mentioned anymore.

Remember that funny sound that Felix used to make

when he tried to clear his ears?

Yeah.

I can almost hear it now.

I did hear it!

So did I.

I wonder what causes that?

Mass hypnosis brought on by grief.

That's not mass hypnosis brought on by grief,

that's... ALL: Felix!

I knew it was him!

They were right.

I thought I heard voices out here.

Felix, we were worried sick!

We thought you were dead!

Oh, I am. I really am dead.

Absolutely exhausted!

Felix, where have you been?

What have you been doing? What happened?

Where haven't I been?

What haven't I been doing?

What didn't happen?

Felix, answer... I lost my wallet,

I lost my nasal spray...

Didn't you get my note?

What note?

You didn't leave a note!

We looked high and low, we couldn't find...

I left you a note on your bed table.

I better call in

and tell them we found the body...

Alive and honking.

Don't tell me I didn't leave you a note.

Felix, you got this out of your bedroom, not mine.

It's my file copy.

Your file...?

Murray...

I'll give you $200 for your gun.

Hi. Sorry I'm late,

but the meeting with Lifestyle ran longer than I expected.

That's okay.

At least you called.

Well, if I missed you,

I was gonna leave a message at the morgue.

Oh, that's very funny.

Look at these pictures.

Wow!

These the ones you shot for the magazine?

Yeah, look at the style.

Look at this one.

See how I used the snow as a backdrop?

Yeah, that's some backdrop.

What are their names, Felix?

Priscilla and Jeannie.

Can you ever forgive me?

For what?

For trying to find you.