Original subtitles

Open up, I can't find my keys!

Felix, open up!

Felix!

I'm coming.

Stop yelling, I'm coming!

Do you know what time it is?

Don't quiz me, I'm exhausted.

It's 2:00 in the morning.

Where have you been for the last two days?

Canada.

Canada?

Yeah.

What were you doing there?

Visiting our American youth.

Not funny.

They sent me to Ottowa to cover the international

curling championship.

Curling, I didn't know hairdressers have their own sport?

Not that kind of curling.

A guy slides what looks like a big rock

with a handle across the ice

and two guys sweep stuff away from it.

That certainly sounds fascinating.

Yeah, I knew you'd love it if it involved sweeping.

At least you could have called me, told me where you were.

Felix, don't start with me, will ya?

I've spent two sleepless nights

in a cold Montreal hotel.

I'm gonna get a cup of coffee, I'm going to bed.

I got to be up by 4:00,

cover a twi-night double header.

If you're so tired, you shouldn't be drinking coffee.

I need the energy to go to sleep.

Felix...

your clothes are wrinkled.

I fell asleep in them.

I've never seen your clothes wrinkled before.

Oscar, I know this isn't the best time to tell you.

You're tired...

No, no, no, I want you to tell me.

If it's important enough for you to wrinkle your clothes

I want to know what it is.

It's Albert.

He's taken sick.

He may not make it.

Albert's sick, he may not make it?

Oh, my gosh, poor Ethel.

Ethel who?

Albert's wife.

Albert who?

Albert Firthstead.

Oh!

I'm talking about Albert, my parrot.

Your parrot?

You scared me half to death.

You got yourself wrinkled all over

because of a parrot?

Well, I'm terribly sorry if you're disappointed

that it isn't Albert Firthstead.

This Albert happens to mean an awful lot to me.

Yeah, but he's a parrot!

And he's sick.

Ah, just look at him.

Well, if he's sick, take him to a vet.

I did.

The vet said there's nothing to worry about.

I don't like the way he looks.

I told you that the day you got him.

You never liked Albert, did you?

What's to like?

From the day he arrived,

he took over our house.

You never cook our dinner until you cook his dinner.

You put the evening paper

in his cage before I get at it.

You ever try reading the paper after a parrot's been at it?

You want to talk

about the time your precious Albert

took a piece out of my ear?

A little nip. A little nip!

I had to wear a corn plaster for a week.

The vet gave me medicine for him but... he keeps getting worse.

It doesn't look good. Good!

You know you're a cruel man?

I'm cruel?!

I'm... Ah, listen, Felix,

if you cared about this bird

I mean, if you really cared about him,

you'd give him his freedom.

Here. You just give him a little toss

let him fly out to his freedom.

He's too sick to fly, he'd fall.

So much the better.

I just don't understand

how a big man can hate a little parrot.

You know, its not so much that that bird nips my ears,

it's that you pamper him too much.

I don't pamper him.

Yes, you do.

Drink out of a glass for goodness sake.

What are you baking at this hour?

Nothing.

Oh, it's something, what is it?

It's nothing, it's nothing.

Come on, what are you... Aww...

A little birdseed cupcake

in the shape of a heart.

I thought it might encourage him to eat.

Then you should have made it in the shape of an ear.

Those I know he's partial to.

You know, your sadistic tendencies come out when you're tired.

Good night, Felix.

Morning already? Gee, I feel like

I didn't have any sleep at all.

Time for Albert's medicine.

Every hour on the hour.

Yeah, well, don't set the alarm for me.

I'm going to sleep till I hear the ump yell, "Play ball!"

No, you can't go to sleep.

Can't? You watch me give the best imitation you ever saw.

No, I need you to help me.

Please, you've got to help me give Albert his medicine.

It's too difficult to do by myself.

You're always telling me how smart that bird is.

Get him to give you a hand. Good night.

I'm not asking this for myself

I'm asking it for Albert.

He hates his medicine and he bites at the dropper.

Ah, then you know what he did to my ear.

Then it's on your head.

Felix, that quack vet said he was all right.

You take the word of a quack?

He's a professional quack.

Listen, that bird will live just to spite me.

But I'll tell you something,

I don't care whether he lives or not.

I want to get some sleep.

Good night.

Is that your last word?

"Good night" was my last word.

And what about my bird?

Stuff him.

I hope you're happy.

What is this? What is it?

You heard me.

I hope you're happy.

You got your wish.

I got my wish? What wish, what wish?

What time is it?

Albert... passed on.

Did you hear what I said?

Albert has passed on.

Oh, the parrot.

Is that 6:00 in the morning?

You wished him dead and now he's dead.

And you don't feel the least bit guilty, do you?

Oh, I feel very sorry about your bird

but I got to get some sleep.

You can go back to sleep like nothing's happened?

It's 6:00.

You said it would make you happy,

and I hope it makes you happy.

Go on, go back to sleep.

Live it up!

I need some coffee.

No, no, that's all right.

I've got to keep busy.

I understand.

Ah, my beautiful Pigeon sisters.

Three hours of sleep never seems to be enough.

Oh, is that a single?

Excuse me.

Hey, what's the matter?

You look great.

And you smell marv...

Hey, what do you say if tonight I drop by your place

we have a couple of drinks a few laughs?

You can laugh at a time like this?

Not at a time like this, a time like tonight.

What do you say?

That's the most insensitive, unfeeling thing

I've ever heard in my life.

What is it? A guy gets up in the morning

two of his best friends hate him.

Felix, will you tell them I'm not such a monster.

I'm afraid I can't do that, Oscar.

Will somebody tell me what's going on?

Have you forgotten about Albert?

I forgot, yeah.

I'm sorry, Cecily.

I'm sorry, Gwen, I just forgot.

You know how a guy tries to push out bad thoughts,

unpleasant thoughts,

he wants to push them out.

I'm sorry.

Well, I suppose I understand.

Good, now about tonight.

I'll bring up a couple of bottles of wine.

Oscar Madison!

You're not a nice person!

You really had me fooled.

You always presented this cold, heartless exterior.

I never realized before that you were just being honest.

Wait a minute!

I got feelings here, too.

Yes, yes, oh, yes.

You better exercise your feelings with somebody else.

You never liked Albert from the very beginning.

It's been the talk of the apartment building.

I never wanted any harm to come to Albert.

You got to believe me.

Please, don't try to get round me.

Look, a guy says things he doesn't mean.

I didn't mean those things I said about Albert.

Don't alibi.

It's yourself you have to live with.

Oh, so true.

That was a good one, Felix.

Ah, leave me alone.

What do I have to do to prove I'm sorry?

Sadness ought to bring people together.

Yes, I suppose you're right.

All right, we forgive you, too.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thanks, Felix.

Have you made any arrangements

for the, uh... funeral?

Hmm?

The funeral.

No, I hadn't.

I just hadn't th...

What do you... what do you do with... you know?

Most people just...

Well, you know.

No, I don't know.

What she means is, uh...

You know.

No, I don't know.

They mean throw him away.

You said it first!

I-I-I suppose that's all we can do.

Where is he?

Oh...

The bag you bought his bird seed in.

Oh, he'd have loved that.

Well, come on.

Let's get it over with.

Albert would have wanted it that way.

So this is how it all ends?

In the garbage.

Oh, don't think of it like that, Felix.

Just think how happy Albert will be

up there in parrot paradise.

Well.

Shouldn't we say something first?

Oh, yeah.

Look out below!

You never did like Albert.

Now, look, I feel guilty enough as it is.

This whole thing is wrong.

He shouldn't just be thrown into the garbage.

How would you like to be dumped into the garbage?

He'd feel comfortable in familiar surroundings.

Why am I always the heavy?

It wasn't my idea to put him in the trash.

What would you do with him?

Me? I'd put him in the trash.

What else are we supposed to do?

We can give him a decent burial.

That's right. Albert would want a decent burial.

Oh, you want a decent burial?

Yes.

Fine, there's only one problem. What?

In all of New York,

I can't think of one piece of unpaved ground.

You'll find somewhere, I know you will.

Oh, no, no, no, I don't have the time for this.

By 4:00 I got to be at the ball park

I got to watch the Mets slaughter the Cardinals.

Oh, it's a baseball team.

But you've got to help Felix.

He can't do it alone.

What about you?

Oh, we'd do anything in the world for you,

Felix, you know we would.

But?

It's just that we have an appointment

with the hairdresser.

I understand.

I understand, too, it means I'm stuck.

Ah, you don't have to do anything...

I want to. I want to.

Listen, we can't keep the manicurist waiting.

Oscar, please, don't be irreverent.

Bye-bye, Felix.

Good-bye, Felix.

Good-bye, Albert.

Good-bye, Oscar.

Hey, Felix.

Have I got a great idea.

We'll bury Albert at sea.

Parrots are supposed to love the sea.

Now, that's a very sensitive thought.

Yeah, you know what? We're going to bury Albert in the East River.

That's a wonderful idea.

We won't even need the shovel.

Oh, yes we will, have you seen the East River lately?

Do you want to say any last words?

I don't know.

Ah-ah-ah-ah!"

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I just can't bury him.

Will you look at that water?

So it's dirty?

I won't do it.

Oscar...

Oh, come on, will you, Felix?

What are you doing?

It's a bird.

Where else would you put him?

Pick him up.

Take him out of there, please.

Why didn't we think of the zoo

before walking around for three hours?

I'm sorry, it was my fault

but I hated the river.

Forget it.

I just hated it... I hated the river.

It'd be just like throwing Albert in the garbage

only wetter.

Since we're here

let's get it over with, okay?

Oh, this is nice, isn't it? Nice place, so serene.

But I don't think

it's going to matter to Albert.

He's as serene as he's going to get, Felix.

I don't know, I don't know.

Well, I do... whoa, I see a great spot.

Here, you take Albert, I'll go get the spot.

Hey, knock it off.

Knock it off.

Ma'am?

Police.

Look, I don't make the laws,

I just enforce them.

And you can't do no...

digging in the... park.

Oh... the clothes.

I have them on so much I forget I'm wearing them.

I'm not surprised you'd want to.

I do my duty.

What is your duty?

I'm looking for sex maniacs.

This is supposed to fool them.

Fooled us.

I had no idea New York cops still wore women's clothes.

I'm the only one left.

And the only reason I'm here is because my sergeant hates me.

That's rough. I hate him.

But I get to deduct all the dresses off my income tax.

How come you're digging in the park?

I want to bury something.

What?

Albert.

Who's Albert? Where is he?

He's in here.

All of him?

He's a parrot.

Was.

Ah, your pet, huh?

Gee, that's a shame.

Poor, little guy.

Wish I could help you

but you can't bury him in the park.

Oh, come on, give us a break, will you?

We've been searching for three hours.

It's the only soft spot in all of New York.

You should take him to a pet cemetery.

Take him to a what?

A pet cemetery.

Ah, come on, will you?

It's the nicest thing

and if you really love your pet...

It's a great idea.

I think it's the stupidest thing I ever heard.

I don't think it's stupid.

"I don't think it's stupid"

but I'll bet it's expensive.

You going to argue with the officer

or you going to ask directions to the mortuary?

I wonder if I can get Donald Duck to do the eulogy.

Wow, what a creepy looking joint.

Come on, Felix,

let's get out of here.

May I be of some service?

I am Mr. Humus, the director.

Yes, um, we've suffered a loss.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Was he a member of the household

or did you keep him in the yard?

Household.

A parrot.

Albert.

Mm-hmm.

This way, please.

And now then, what kind of service

did you have in mind?

Excuse me.

I just remembered, I don't have money with me.

Can I borrow the money...?

Felix, this is insanity.

Why don't we drop the bird on the desk

and get out of here.

Please?

Okay, but no borrowing, I'll pay for it.

Oh, no, I wouldn't think of it...

Felix, Felix, I want to get it over with.

I'll give him the $25

and we'll get out of here.

There you go. Funeral's on me.

Okay, let's go, Felix.

Just one moment.

There are a few details.

What price range did you have in mind for the casket?

Well, whatever price range is included in the 25 bucks.

The price of the casket is not included.

This is our, um, El Dorado line.

Now, that is made of solid mahogany

with ivory handles.

This one is of pine with brass handles.

We call it our executive line.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Is that the price?

Well, what's your cheapest one?

That one.

What do you call that?

Papier-mache, we don't even bother to give it a name.

Well then, can I put you down for the, uh...

Cheap one.

Medium-priced one.

Very well.

Okay, let's go, Felix.

One more thing.

Granite or marble?

Granite or marble what?

The headstone.

You're putting me on.

This is some kind of a joke, isn't it?

Mr. Madison, you are obviously not a pet person.

But I am sure there is something that you care about

outside of money.

Well, which headstone is included in the 25 bucks?

Neither one, I'm afraid.

The inexpensive one.

Is that it?

I think so.

Okay, Felix, let's go.

One more thing.

All we have to do now

is to decide on the location of the lot.

Now, for just a few more dollars

we can have an excellent view lot

overlooking the statue of Bambi

or perhaps somewhere near Rin Tin Tin.

I think we'll take...

I think we'll take a walk is what we're going to take.

There's a lot of extras around here, Mister.

The only thing you get here for $25 is a receipt.

Felix, no matter what

Albert is not going to get

a limousine procession.

Try to remember where you are.

I remember where I am.

I'm $150 in the hole!

Mr. Madison, I can understand

this is your hour of grief, but you must be practical.

The shorter your outbursts

the quicker you can leave.

Next question.

Yes, when would you like to have the deceased interred?

Soon as possible.

Good, immediately then.

Now, how many friends

of the deceased can we expect?

I beg your pardon?

How many mourners?

Well, there's, um...

I suppose the doctor...

Pigeon sisters.

Pigeon sisters?

They're people, they're people!

Well, it does seem so hollow

when the deceased bids farewell to this world,

that his peers are not there to see him off.

Did he have any bird friends?

Albert had no peers.

He was a giant among birds

and they resented him for it!

No mourners.

No mourners!

It's so sad.

What a waste.

Money down the drain.

Oh, Oscar!

I feel terrible.

I had no idea that his illness was so serious.

Don't blame yourself.

But I obviously made the wrong diagnosis.

We know so little.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are gathered here today

to bid farewell to... 150 bucks.

Shh!

Shh!

To Albert, beloved pet to Felix Unger,

friend of Oscar Madison,

Gwendolyn and Cecily Pigeon...

He remembered us.

And Dr. Maurice Schneider.

You did remember to give him his medicine, didn't you?

Every hour on the hour.

The mysteries of life

have once again reached full circle.

Every hour?

Four drops every hour.

Just as you instructed.

Hey, fellas, will you keep it down?

It's a very expensive funeral.

I told you to give him

one drop every four hours.

No wonder.

He overdosed.

You mean it was my fault?

What we must try to understand

is that death is part of life,

and that we, the living

must learn that death is not the end of life

but merely a step, a step toward a truer

richer, fuller ending.

And if we shed tears for Albert,

are we not only shedding tears for ourselves?

Albert?

Albert!

Stop the funeral!

It's locked.

Must be stuck. Locks costs extra.

He's standing up, he's alive!

It's a miracle.

He seems all right.

All that medicine you gave him

he must have been in a coma.

Albert... Albert.

Look out, the ear!

Come back, Albert.

Albert!

Albert, you come back here.

Albert.

I liked him better when he was dead.

He's gone, he's gone.

What are you griping about?

Felix, he was a lot goner a minute ago.

I'm, uh, sorry that things didn't work out better.

It would have been such a nice funeral.

Yeah, but since we're not going to have a funeral

I'd like to have my money back, please.

I'm sorry, it's not refundable.

But the bird's alive!

Well, you can hardly blame me for that.

Now, if you will excuse me.

Hold it, nobody move.

Just hold it.

What are you doing?

It's my fly.

My pet fly.

On with the funeral.

Oh, come now, this is ridiculous.

Oh, do you think the Better Business Bureau

would find it ridiculous?

I see, did the deceased have a name?

Sol.

Sol.

Ladies and gentlemen

we are gathered here today to bid farewell

to Sol, beloved fly of Oscar Madison.

Now, we all know that life is not one long...

Good morning, Felix.

Boy, am I hungry.

How do you feel?

I didn't sleep 30 seconds last night.

Because of Albert?

Yeah, I haven't felt this rotten

since my divorce.

Oh, cheer up.

He was born free, and now he can live free.

He was born in a pet shop

and he lived there all his life.

He's probably a lot happier anyway.

Met a girl parrot, fell in love, you know.

He was always happy here.

It's just not like him to disobey, I...

Well, he's not in the obituary columns anyway.

Did you hear something?

Yeah, my stomach's growling, I'm starving.

Can it be?

No, it can't be.

Oh, Oscar! Oscar!

Albert's come back.

Look who's here!

Albert, hello... Say hello to Oscar.

Oscar.

Hello, Albert, how are you? Nice to see you.