Original subtitles

Oscar?

Yeah.

Pick up your coat.

Listen, I'm glad you're home.

Something happened today.

I need a beer.

This is important.

I had quite a day.

A beer is important right now.

Mmm, oh, I needed that.

How are you, Felix, how you feeling?

Something happened today

that I have to tell you about.

Felix, wait a minute.

How come I always have to hear about your day?

How come you never ask me about my day?

I'm sorry. How was your day?

Don't ask.

You know, you're not the easiest man in the world to talk to.

I'm sorry, Felix. What is it?

You're not gonna like this.

Well, I'll never know if you don't get to it.

Please don't talk with your mouth full of food!

Let her tell you tomorrow when she gets here.

Her? Who's her?

The mother.

Oh, I get it

it's a new word game you're trying out.

No, I'm not playing any games.

Then what is it?

Tomorrow morning, you're going to be a father.

A father?

Ahh... you're surprised, aren't you?

Yeah, I'm a little surprised.

If I'm supposed to be the father,

who's supposed to be the mother?

Mrs. Grainger.

Nice lady, I don't even know a Mrs. Grainger.

Will you stop, Felix, tell me what it's about?!

The Big Brothers of America.

Yeah?

Where men act as father to boys who don't have one.

Yeah, well, I know what the Big Brothers of America are.

Good... the boy's name is Randy Grainger.

Nice name.

We only take him one day a week.

His mother works on Saturday,

so we're signed up to be his big brothers.

We're signed up?

Well, I signed the papers,

but you live here, too.

Yeah, but living here doesn't make me a volunteer.

Besides, we have a picnic with the Pigeon sisters on Saturday.

I fixed that up,

I changed the date to Sunday.

You what?

Oscar, this is a chance for us

to do something useful with our lives.

I gave at the office.

You think that's the same thing

as serving on a one-to-one basis?

Felix, I'm no good with kids on a one-to-one basis.

Nonsense, you have natural charm.

You have warm eyes.

I don't have warm eyes.

Don't con me, Felix.

You know me with kids.

I stare at them, waiting for them to say something.

They stare back, waiting for me to say something.

And from there it goes right downhill.

In other words, you're not interested.

Not in other words, those are the exact ones.

I'm not interested.

Never mind.

I'll do it myself.

When the boy gets here,

I'll play with him, and I'll guide him.

And I'll lend him a helping hand in life.

Felix, someday they're going to carve your head

on Mount Rushmore...

if I don't do it first.

Mr. Unger?

Mrs. Grainger, yes.

This must be Randy.

Yes, sir.

How do you do? I'm Felix Unger.

How do you do, sir?

I certainly appreciate your doing this, Mr. Unger.

It's my pleasure.

I always wanted to be a big brother.

Unfortunately, I was the youngest in my family,

so I was always the little brother.

We'll have fun, won't we?

Yes, sir.

Well, I have to get to work.

You be a good boy now.

I will mother.

Here's your toothbrush.

Be sure and brush after eating.

Yes, mother.

And keep out of drafts.

Not too many sweets now.

Oh, don't worry.

I've planned a balanced diet.

Good.

Well, bye, dear. I'll see you at 6:00.

Bye, Mom.

I hope I'm doing the right thing.

Don't worry, I've got a lot of activities planned.

A lot of man-to-man stuff.

Nothing too rowdy.

Well, fine. Thank you again.

You bet. Bye-bye.

Well... here we are.

Yes, sir.

You don't have to call me sir...

I'm your big brother.

Call me Mr. Unger.

Yes, sir, Mr. Unger.

Let's not be formal.

Sit down, sit down.

Make yourself at home.

Don't sit there, sit here.

I think you'll find it more comfortable.

Comfortable there?

Yes, sir.

It's a good sofa.

Don't do that.

Well, what would you like to do?

Anything you say, Mr. Unger.

I was trying to remember

what I enjoyed doing when I was your age.

How would you like to run the vacuum cleaner all by yourself?

There's... Martinique, Mauritania, Mexico, Mexico...

Monaco! Now look... you see the prince?

Yeah?

You can hold it.

Now, you see the mark near his eye

that looks like a sty?

That makes it very valuable.

Because the prince has a sty?

No, it's not a sty, it's a mistake.

Don't you understand that?

That's what makes it valuable.

Hmm, I guess so.

Sure is a lot of adventure in stamps, isn't there?

Yeah.

I've got them all categorized.

Natural wonders, flowers, jungle beasts.

Wait, you want to see my Mexican special delivery?

It's a picture of the Postmaster General asleep.

You already showed it to me.

I did?

Don't play with that, that's not a toy.

Here's my National Park Series...

You'll love these.

Look, there's the Grand Canyon, Yosemite, Yellowstone...

Looks like one's missing.

Where's Zion Canyon?

Oh, if I've lost Zion Canyon, I'll never forgive myself.

Felix?

You should have been there, I was beautiful.

Three all, the bottom of the ninth.

I laid down this beautiful bunt

and I scored Ziggy with the winning run.

Wow!

In case you're wondering

who that is, he lives here, too.

What in the world...

Hey, whatever happened to Zion Canyon?

Oh, he couldn't hit a curve,

so they sent him back to the minors.

Hey, come here, I want you to meet somebody.

This is Randy Grainger. Oscar Madison.

Hi.

Sure.

Okay, listen, I was sensational, Felix.

I may get the most valuable player award.

I know where it is.

You two talk to each other.

How are you?

Fine.

What are you staring at?

Oh, not much.

Uh-huh.

I've got it!

I got it.

What a relief.

It's in this album.

How are you two getting along?

Like I said, remember?

Downhill.

Come on, I want to show you this.

Here, hold this.

Look... see the colors?

Isn't that marvelous?

Isn't that beautiful?

Yes, sir.

It's called "The Dance of the Russian Peasants."

It tells a story... Hear the oboe?

That's the little Russian girl

and she's running through the wheat fields

on the way to meet her Cossack fiancé.

He's played by the bassoon.

When they meet, you'll hear a trill on the woodwinds.

Coming into the stretch, it's Beeline on the rail...

Come on, Masky!

Do you mind turning that thing off?

Are you kidding?

I got ten bucks on the schnoz of that horse.

Why don't you listen on the set in your bedroom?

The battery's dead.

Here comes Jubal on the outside.

Come on, Masky!

Listen to the Cossack!

Come on, Cossack! Shh!

Shh!

And Jubal... Come on, Masky!

Do you mind?

We're trying to listen to something worthwhile.

And clean up that mess.

Listen to the Cossack.

Listen to the bassoon now.

Do you like to bet on horses?

Yeah, sure.

French horn.

How do you know which one to bet on?

That's a good question, kid.

I use a scratch sheet.

What's that?

Can't you just see the Cossack's horse?

It's a kind of letter that handicappers put out.

Could I see one?

Are you really interested?

Yeah.

Okay, sure, come on.

Now, that's really living, isn't it, Randy?

Randy?

I know there's one someplace here.

Randy?

Wow, look at this room!

Isn't this disgusting?

I think it's neat!

Neat?

He doesn't mean neat neat.

He means groovy neat.

Do you know Willie Mays?

Sure, I know all these guys.

I'm a sportswriter.

Really? Do you know Tom Seaver?

Know him? Who do you think taught him how to throw a curve?

Can I look at these pictures?

Sure, you can have one if you want.

And here's a scratch sheet.

Hey, but not the Raquel Welch, all right?

What are you doing?

Getting things shipshape.

Felix, you were in the army four years.

Why suddenly "shipshape" all of a sudden?

It's an expression.

All right, Felix, what is it?

"What is it?" He asks. What is it?

He knows perfectly well what it is.

What?

It's Randy.

Yeah?

Well, isn't it obvious?

If you mean there's a kid named Randy

in my room looking through my scrapbook.

That's obvious to me.

What's obvious to you?

That he likes you... very much.

Oh, you're crazy.

Oh, come on, I can tell.

He prefers your company to mine.

You really think so?

I know so.

That's why I think you ought to be his big brother.

Oh, no, no, no, no, you're not going to lay him off on me.

All I'm asking you to do is take him out.

Are we not our brother's keeper?

Felix, why do you always quote the Bible at me

when you want me to do something

I don't want to do?

I'm appealing to your better nature.

You're appealing to my guilty conscience.

You got to do it.

The kid isn't having any fun with me.

Neither am I.

I'll pay for the cab.

I'll pay for the lunch.

Spend a little time with him.

I've even got tickets...

Forget it, Felix, I'm not...

Could you get me an autographed baseball like this?

Sure, you can have that one if you want it.

Gee, thanks. What are we going to do now?

First I'm gonna get changed.

Then I'm grabbing a cab, then some lunch.

I even have some tickets here...

For the opera?

Oh, look at that smile.

Did you have a good time?

I got to admit, we did.

Where's Randy?

He's up on the roof.

You let him go on the roof?

Don't panic, he's a kid. Kids love roofs.

I got to admit, we got along just great.

You're a nice man.

I know.

Did he enjoy the opera?

Yeah, listen, uh...

You know, when I was his age,

that's when I fell in love with Norma.

What's Norma got to do with the opera?

The name of the opera you saw was Norma.

Oh, was that Norma?

Yeah, well... we really didn't get to see Norma.

They canceled Norma?

No, we canceled Norma.

We got right to the door,

but, Felix, I couldn't do that to the kid.

Where did you go?

Oh, a very nice place.

What? What?

A pool hall.

A pool hall?!

You took that nice, clean young man to a pool hall?!

Hi, Mr. Unger!

Boy, Mr. Unger, did we have fun.

Uncle Oscar taught me how to shoot pool and everything!

You should have seen my two-cushion shot.

And Uncle Oscar won five bucks off this...

What did you call him?

Pigeon.

Yeah, this pigeon.

And guess what, Mr. Unger?

I hit the spittoon three times.

Why don't you split your beer with him?

And Mom, I played eight ball

and rotation and five-card stud,

and I learned about spittoons.

Want to see me spit?

What?!

We also listened to classical music.

And guess what I had for lunch!

Beef jerky, pickled eggs and candy bars.

He brushed his teeth when he got back,

and washed his hands, now didn't we?

Yeah, but Uncle Oscar says germs are good.

They help build up resistance.

Don't worry.

Next week we'll be much better organized.

I'm coming back aren't I, Mom?

I promise a balanced lunch.

Aren't I, Mom?

Well... I suppose it'll be all right.

We better go now, Randy.

So long, Randy.

See you next week.

Bye, Mr. Unger.

Bye, Uncle Osc!

Bye, pal!

Uncle Oscar never makes his bed.

And he talks with food in his mouth!

Boy, he's really neat.

You can come out now.

I ought to punch you right in the nose.

Why? I didn't do anything.

If you didn't do anything,

why were you hiding in your room?

I wasn't hiding in my room.

I was... tidying up.

You know what you did.

You turned a nice, clean, decent kid

into a pint-size Oscar Madison.

What's wrong with that?

What's wrong with that?

You want him to grow up a slob?

Felix, do you mind?

It's very hard to concentrate

with your finger in my face.

And I'm also not too thrilled

about being called a slob.

I didn't call you a slob.

Ah, you said I had

a slob-like influence on the kid.

Ah. Ah.

Hardly a compliment, ah-ah-ah.

Oscar, Randy is at

a very impressionable age.

So am I!

For some peculiar reason,

you have become his hero.

And you're setting a tragic example.

I'm not setting any example.

I just do everything I feel like doing...

Except throw you out.

That's perfectly all right with me.

But there's too much at stake for the kid.

Suppose he wants to become a surgeon.

Who wants a surgeon with dirty hands?

Suppose he wants to become President of the United States?

Who wants to see the president address the Congress

in a dirty sweatshirt?

I'm not asking him to do what I do.

He can't help himself.

What you do, he'll do.

He's putty in your hands.

Aw, Felix... Someday he'll look back

and he'll say, "I owe it all to Uncle Oscar."

Now, do you want him to look back

from a pool hall or from the White House?

By the time he gets to be president,

the White House may be a pool hall.

I thought you said you liked the kid.

I do!

Then give him a break.

He's a nice kid, huh?

Yes.

Calls me Uncle Oscar.

Nobody's ever called me Uncle Oscar.

Not even my nephew.

You really think I'm setting a bad example?

Yes.

I mean, I don't want to do anything

to hurt that kid, Felix.

Next time he comes over, I'll cut out, that's all.

You've got to be here.

He's coming here to see you!

You're his hero.

Then what am I supposed to do?

It's not very difficult.

All you have to do is change completely.

You'll make your bed.

You won't talk

with your mouth full of food.

You'll clean up your room.

You won't drink beer out of the can.

You won't take your shoes off

and walk around in dirty socks.

I thought you said you were going to make your bed.

I just did.

It looks as though it has the hives.

What are the lumps?

Well, these are my slippers, and those are some books,

and my thermal socks and a box of crackers.

Everything I need in bed.

Is this an example for Randy?

These things belong in your night table.

Where's your night table?

It's under there somewhere.

You see, Oscar?

Classical music is exciting.

Now honestly, isn't that beautiful?

At the far turn, it's Moonbeam with Epsilon on the outside!

Beautiful.

You've done a beautiful job.

Smells like a hospital.

How does it feel to know

that your room is free of germs?

Lonely.

Calm down.

Randy's going to love the new Uncle Osc.

I greet them at the door.

I say, "Good morning, Mrs. Grainger, Randy.

"How are you?

Won't you come in?"

And I say, "It's a beautiful day."

And she says, "yes."

And then I make a couple of phony remarks

about how nice she looks.

And she comes back

with a couple of dumb cracks.

And I say, "Would you like to sit down?

Or would you like a snort?"

A snort?

Of coffee.

That's marvelous.

Marvelous, very thrilling.

Are my shoes shined enough?

My fingernails all right?

I feel like I'm back in second grade.

Relax.

Sit.

What? And wrinkle my trousers?

You know your problem?

You're tense.

Enjoy being neat and clean.

I wish my mother could see me now.

She spent the first 20 years of my life

trying to get me to look like this.

She'd be very proud of you.

She wouldn't recognize me.

Felix, I can't go through with it.

What?

I mean it, I really can't go through with it.

I like that kid, no, he gets to me.

What kind of example would I be setting?

A very fine example.

No, no, a very phony example.

If I lied to the kid, he'd see right through it.

See, kids aren't dumb today.

You have to be truthful with them.

If I lied to him like this,

why Randy would never trust me again.

Listen, I'm getting out of here.

I will not lie to that kid!

What am I going to say to him?

Tell him I died.

Hello, Mrs. Grainger.

Well, hello, Randy!

Where's Uncle Oscar?

Randy, you didn't say hello to Mr. Unger.

Hello, Mr. Unger.

Where's Uncle Oscar?

I'm not too sure he can be with us today.

But don't worry, we'll have a lot of fun.

I got some new record albums.

Oh, boy.

Won't you sit down, Mrs. Grainger?

Well, just for a minute.

I'm sorry to miss Mr. Madison.

I wanted to talk to him.

Yeah. Well...

we weren't too well- organized last week.

All I can do is apologize.

Mr. Madison has certain... primeval characteristics.

But I promise you, no more pool halls

and no more unbalanced meals.

That didn't worry me.

It didn't?

Well, a little at first

when Randy mentioned spitting.

But, after all, that's why

I entered him in this program.

To spit?

No, no, you know what I mean,

a boy who lives alone with his mother

needs a man's influence.

And after a day with Uncle Oscar,

Randy was all boy.

Of course, a few things

which had to be adjusted...

Like calling his grandmother "a sweet old broad."

But I can handle that.

She straightened me out.

Well, I'm sorry to have missed him,

but I'm sure you two will have fun.

Yeah. We'll go to an art gallery!

Maybe the zoo.

I'll be all right if I take my allergy pills.

Come on, Randy, we're getting out of here.

Uncle Oscar!

Hurry up.

You want to be bat boy for the team, don't you?

How do you do?

Excuse me.

What gives here?

Well, I was sitting there and it suddenly occurred to me...

What makes you so right?

Felix, there are a lot of important things

going on in the world, terrible things

like riots and taxes and polluted air,

so who's going to care

if a kid washes his hands or not?

We're going to play ball...

If that's all right with you, ma'am.

Fine.

And may I say it's a beautiful day

and you look very nice.

So that's Uncle Oscar.

Would you care for a snort?

I know I would.

Look at my records.

I have to put them away.

They'll be getting dusty.

Well, here, let me help.

That's all right...

Pick them up by the edges, please.

Mr. Unger?

Yeah?

I'll be finished playing ball in a couple hours,

and I thought maybe I could come back

and listen to your records...

If you don't mind.

No, that'll be great.

I-I, I didn't really think you were interested.

Oh, I am.

I'd love to see those stamps again, too.

You would?

Gee, I've got a whole lot

I didn't even show you.

You'll be crazy about them.

That'll be great.

Yeah, they're marvelous.

I hope this proves to your Uncle Oscar

that the finer things in life

do have some merit.

Bye, Mom.

Bye, son.

Bye, Mr. Unger.

Uncle Felix.

Uncle Felix.

Come on, Randy.

Felix, Randy and I both enjoyed

looking at your stamp collection.

Aw.

I never knew the Prince of Monaco had a sty.

I know you'd prefer playing baseball, but you see?

There are other things in life.

Absolutely.

You know, it's nice to have my room

clean for a change, instead of sloppy.

And I have to admit there are times

when dirty is better than clean.

Wow, Felix, that took a lot of guts to say that, I know it.

Nope, it's not a matter of guts.

It's just a matter of facing up to the truth.

A well-rounded human being

needs a little bit of this, a little bit of that,

a little bit of everything.

Yeah.

Don't you agree?

Sure.

Am I right?

I just said you were right.

Well, it took of lot of guts for you to admit I'm right.

And now, you shall have your reward.

Look at this room!

I just left.

How could you get it like this in 30 seconds?

I don't know.

You know, a little bit of this,

a little bit of that,

a little bit of everything.