Original subtitles

No, Unger, these are the same old models' faces.

I've seen these faces.

I've seen these guys in a million ads.

They're very professional.

I've used them in a million ads.

That's why you've seen them.

Look, you see this, Unger?

Vividly.

The ad you're shooting for Mandar Cologne

really has to be something special.

Something today, something happening.

Happening?

You know what the word Mandar means?

Uh, it's a Spanish word, isn't it?

It means "to control."

Right on. It's the symbol of masculinity.

And if Mandar Cologne catches on,

the company will come out

with a whole line of masculine products.

We'll have soap and face bronzer and skin conditioner.

We'll even have a Mandar men's hair spray.

That sounds masculine.

Right on.

But the company wants a new face.

Now, I'm a happening guy

and they want a happening ad campaign.

Something now, something today,

something that's really right there, and heavy.

Do you understand?

To tell you the truth, I was just getting used

to "run it up the flagpole"

and whatever it is the guy before you used to say.

Well, forget those guys, they're all clichés.

You're not a cliché?

Right on.

I got this job as account executive

because I'm a "now" thinker.

Haven't you got any other faces?

Something "today"?

I used three of these models today.

No, no, no, this is not professional models.

This is my portrait work... Families, children, pets.

That's yesterday.

Anything today in here?

No, no, I...

I have a lot of allergies.

Being sick isn't today, is it?

Wait a minute.

What?

Heavy.

What?

Heavy.

What's heavy?

That's a great face.

That's Oscar Madison, my roommate.

Why didn't you show me this right away?

I haven't even shown them to Oscar.

Those are proofs.

That's a "now" face.

This is a "now" face?

I've known Oscar 15 years

and his face wasn't even "now" then.

It's all happening.

My whole head is happening.

All right. The slant of the campaign is:

That any man can get girls if he uses Mandar.

And this is the face of any man.

It's perfect, it's... It's today.

It's more than today.

It's tomorrow.

But Oscar isn't a professional model.

He's a sports writer.

That's why I made those portraits...

To go on his column.

I love it that he's not a model.

Yeah?

People want to look at people

who look like themselves... Plain, ordinary.

That's it, Unger, that's what's happening.

I want to use this man in the ads.

Oh, no, no, no, Oscar's my best friend,

but when it comes to working together...

Unger, our agency is your biggest account.

Don't threaten me.

Who's threatening?

I'm just telling you I know what's today.

And I'd hate for you to lose this assignment.

And all the others that we ever do.

Hi, Oscar, old buddy.

Where did you get all the dustcloths?

It happens to be my laundry.

Here are the proofs of your pictures.

Oh, I hope they came out well

after all the trouble we went through.

Looking back, it wasn't so bad.

You said I was the worst subject you ever had.

Artists say a lot of things they don't mean.

Didn't they come out nice, look at that.

Nice? Look at that, I look like a beagle.

No.

Oh, yeah, no, I'm going to have a drawing under the byline.

Don't be silly.

You know, when I looked at these I realized something.

What?

You've got a marvelous face.

Oh, come on.

No, you have a groovy, in look.

You're what's happening.

You been watching Mod Squad again?

No, I'm serious.

You know, I realized you could have a career as a model.

Felix, don't ever go into spy work,

'cause you're one rotten liar.

All right, I don't think

you have the world's most fantastic face,

but Rudy Mandell does.

Why are you showing my face to Rudy Mandell,

and who is Rudy Mandell?

He's the ad agency guy on this campaign I'm doing.

He wants to use your face in his ads.

He wants to use my... you're kidding.

No!

He wants an average-looking guy

for a cologne ad... That's "today"!

That's crazy!

I-I-I think you'd have

an awful lot of fun doing it, Oscar.

The job means a lot to me.

Felix, our friendship means a lot to me.

We barely get along living together.

How we going to work together?

We wouldn't fight, I promise.

Felix, the answer is no.

That's a pair.

$30 an hour for the job?

$30 an hour it pays? What good is it?

My ex-wife would get three-fourths of it.

Oscar, listen...

No, Felix, the answer is no.

I can't take a job like that.

It's ridiculous, I'm a sports writer.

You'd be surrounded by three beautiful girls all day long...

Felix, you didn't tell me

what time you want me at the studio tomorrow morning.

Yes, Rudy.

Yes, I'll send over the film as soon as I shoot it,

and I'll shoot it as soon as he gets here.

I can't.

Yes, Rudy, I want to be "today."

But even today you can't shoot without a model.

Ah, here's Mr. One-hour-late- never-looks-at-his-watch.

Good-bye, Rudy.

Hi, Felix.

One hour late is not "Hi, Felix."

It's "I'm sorry, Felix, I apologize, Felix."

"I beg your forgiveness, Felix."

But not "Hi, Felix."

I got tied up. Where are the girls?

The models are in the back waiting for you.

One is reading, one is sewing, one is taking a nap.

And for this I'm paying them $30 an hour.

Felix, you wanted a common face like mine, right?

Well, a common face like mine comes attached to a man

who had to take a day off from work.

Day off began an hour ago!

Felix, the editor gave me a hard time as it is.

I didn't rush into this.

You asked me to do it.

When you ask a favor of a person,

you don't yell at that person.

I'm sorry you're late.

Good.

Let's get down to the girls.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

What are you doing?

You'll tear it.

You told me to wear a jacket and a tie.

What did you do, mug somebody to get this?

What are you talking about?

It's a little wrinkled.

But that's the common touch.

I'm supposed to be the average man.

Those are not average clothes.

Go in the dressing room,

put on the clothes I've got there for you.

Can I wear the tie?

If you wear it under your shirt.

Come on, girls. Let's get to work.

Mr. Average Man is here.

Come on, come on!

Felix?

Aren't you going to introduce me to my coworkers?

This is Tracy Keenan in the Dutch outfit.

Hi, I'm Don Quixote.

Hi, Don.

This is Loretta Steel in the Eskimo thing.

Hello, Nanook. You want to rub noses?

Just try it if you want a broken nose.

I don't fool around.

Loretta doesn't fool around.

This is Gabriella.

Gabriella what?

Just Gabriella.

A girl as pretty as you can afford a last name.

Cute, a line for every country.

Now if the cocktail party is over,

can we please get to work here?

Oscar! You don't change under here.

You change in the dressing room.

I want to see how they look...

Let me make one thing very clear.

At home, I'm a lot of fun, I'm a barrel of laughs.

But this is a place of business.

We don't waste time messing around.

Now let's go into this new experience with a new attitude,

and change your clothes.

At home, he's a barrel of laughs?

Oscar.

Oscar!

Oscar, you're getting me irritated

and then my sinuses start to act up.

I can't see to focus if my eyes are tearing.

Oscar!

Coming!

Oh, please, come on, come on.

Where do I sit?

There is one stool on the set.

Take your pick.

Hi, girls, how are you?

Hi, Gretel, come a little closer.

Oscar.

What?

Why are you wearing a mustache?

Oh, mustache!

Oh, well, it's Mandar, see?

It's Spanish, you know, it's, uh...

Felix, the truth is, I'm not sure

I want anybody to recognize me.

See, the guys down at the newspaper,

they're going to rib me being a model and everything,

so I thought I'd use a disguise.

Why don't you wear glasses with a funny nose attached?

I got them. They're right here.

See? I didn't know whether it was a comedy ad or what,

but I'll go with you, I'm game.

See? I'll black out my teeth like Jerry Lewis.

That was a rough couple of hours.

Hey, modeling must be very tough on a nice little girl like you.

Oh, I'm not really a model, I'm an actress.

I just do modeling on the side.

Well, you can be on my side anytime.

Oh, Don.

No, it's Oscar, Oscar.

You said Don.

Yeah, well, you know,

Don Quixote and the windmill and...

What's the difference? Listen, wooden shoes,

why don't we go next door for a little drinkie do?

Just you and me, we'll kick up our wooden heels together?

Oh, wow, what a line.

You must have picked up a lot of girls on V.J. Day.

Why don't you go hug a polar bear?

I don't think Mr. Unger would let us go anyways.

He doesn't like us to leave the studio on breaks.

Are you kidding?

I happen to be very in with Mr. Unger.

You just sit there.

Hey, dummy, don't go in there.

He's developing!

Oh, go rub noses with a walrus, will you?

Peek-a-boo.

Is that film?

Not anymore. Now it's garbage.

You just ruined two hours' work.

I'm sorry, Felix, I really am, I wasn't thinking.

What can I do to make you feel better?

Why don't you put on the glasses and the funny mustache.

Close the door.

What are you going to do?

Close the door. You know how to do that?

Same as opening the door.

Only you do it backwards.

Felix?

Felix!

Felix, come on, it's me.

Look, Felix, I'm sorry about what happened.

Hey, I got some pepperoni sticks... you want some?

Go away, I told you, you're fired.

Oh, I don't care about that.

I just want to apologize, okay, Felix?

I told you, leave me alone.

I'm sorry I ruined your film, but you knew I was

an inexperienced model.

An experienced idiot would know

not to open a darkroom door.

Oh, Fel...

When did you put a bolt on your door?

Soon as I got home.

And tomorrow I'm putting one on my darkroom.

Felix, how long do I have to keep saying I'm sorry?

You can quit anytime now!

Okay!

I told you I didn't want to do this stupid thing anyway,

so forget it!

Are you walking away from this thing?

I want you to know that you have given me

a day that will live in infamy!

I'll never forget it!

Okay, so don't pay me!

I was expecting that.

There's your check.

A day's pay for a day's disaster.

Now, you're officially fired.

And you'll notice there are no deductions on that check,

though not one iota of film was useable.

Well, here's what I think of your check.

That was a 12-cent scenic check,

but that's all right.

I'll write you another one.

I'll tear that up, too!

And now I'll tell you what you are. What?

You are a tasteless clown.

Oh, yeah?

You did what?

I fired Oscar.

He ruined a whole morning's shooting.

I wouldn't work with him again if he was the Mona Lisa.

Unger, do you realize what you've done?

I took those first few shots you sent me

right to old man Whitehill's office.

Whitehill is the president of Farko Enterprises.

Farko Enterprises owns Mandar Men's Products, get it?

No.

Whitehill flipped over Oscar Madison's face.

He thinks it's the best image his company has ever had.

Now do you get it?

Whitehill thinks Oscar's good-looking?

Did you ever see Whitehill?

He's no Robert Redford, either.

I knew he'd respond to this face.

That's why I'm where I'm at.

That's why I'm happening

and that's why you've got to get

Madison back down here.

Impossible, we're not even talking to each other.

You don't have to talk to him!

Just take his picture!

Who was one of the world's great photographers, Mathew Brady.

He took great pictures of General Grant.

You think he was in love with the man?

A drunk who kept falling off his horse?

I'm sorry, I won't work with Oscar.

Unger, I hope you realize what I'm about to say.

You see this bottle of Mandar?

Mm-hmm.

Right now, this is my only interest.

I want to make every American male believe

this will make him strong and powerful.

And I will do anything

to get that point across.

And Unger, "anything" means keeping Oscar Madison,

firing you, and making sure you

never do another ad for our agency.

I think you're threatening me again.

I don't like being threatened by a teenager.

Threatening?

Unger, baby, I love your work, you're an artist.

But you're letting personal hang-ups

get in the way of your art.

Now, if you won't do it for me

at least do it for Mandar.

I'm not even sure I can get Oscar

to come back to work for me.

I'll go talk to Madison.

I'm a happening guy, he'll listen to me.

I'll talk to him.

I'll save you for my ace in the hole.

Oscar?

Are you home?

He's home.

Oscar?

Hi, Osc!

Still not talking to me, huh?

Don't you think you're being a little silly?

Oscar, you have to listen to me.

Now we're ready.

You're acting so childish.

Into the stretch.

Listen to me!

Oscar, I'm appealing to you

on the basis of our long-standing

friendship.

Listen...

Listen to what I have to say.

I want you to come back to work for me.

I can't believe what I just heard.

Well, maybe it got garbled going through the filters.

You have the nerve to ask me to come down to that studio

and go back to work...

After you yelled at me, you screamed at me?

You insulted me in front of three foreign girls?

They're local, local talent.

Whatever they are!

You threw me out of the studio and you fired me.

Now you want me to come back.

Well, I know it sounds crazy.

Not crazy, Felix, ludicrous!

Oscar, anything can be worked out.

Look how we're talking to each other again.

A moment ago we weren't doing that.

Anything can be worked out

if we keep the channels of communication open.

Well, look at me, Felix.

I'm going into my room and I'm going to close the door

and I'm going to close all channels of communication.

Oscar, the president of the Mandar Company

loved the shots we took yesterday.

He fell in love with your face.

So did my ex-wife, we know where that got me.

I'm serious, Oscar.

Mr. Whitehill feels that your image

is the best his company has ever had.

He's a very big man.

And Rudy picked your face.

You have a face that really gets the message across.

Oh, come on, will you, Felix?

I got a plain face.

A beautiful soul, but a plain face.

Lincoln had a plain face.

He made a strong impression on...

Oh, will you stop it?

You're like Lincoln.

Don't con me with Lincoln, already.

Would I lie about Honest Abe?

You've got that kind of face.

Four score and seven years ago.

Oscar.

Yes. Oh, Felix!

Look what you got me doing, will you?

Oscar, the plain look is in today.

Look at Humphrey Bogart, he's a hero to today's kids.

That's what you are, Oscar.

You're a Humphrey Bogart!

Will you stop conning me with Humphrey Bogart?

Oscar, this is the last time I'm asking you!

Good, 'cause it's the last time I'm answering you.

The guy's crazy.

Humphrey Bogart, Abraham Lincoln.

They're...

Play it again, Sam.

Hey, maybe my face does communicate.

Felix, if you want me at the studio tomorrow morning,

just whistle.

Four score and seven... Oh! What am I doing?

Uh-oh, here comes King Klutz.

Shh.

Girls, be nice to Oscar.

He's very important to this ad.

What makes him so important?

I'll give you each $10 a session extra if you're nice to him.

Oh, hi!

Hi, Oscar.

Hi, doll.

Okay, girls, take a break. I want to fill Oscar in.

Bye-bye, Oscar.

Hey, it's funny how the girls are starting to like me.

Yeah. Go change your clothes.

It must be my face...

It communicates.

It kind of grows on you.

I told you you had it.

Well, it's a kind of a gift, you know, Felix?

Where is he?

Felix, I think we should get double pay

for working with that idiot.

Right, double.

Oh, all right. Double, double.

Oscar, nearly ready?

I want to get some work done

before old man Whitehill arrives.

Ha! Olé, olé!

How's that? How do I look, Felix?

Great, now come up and get... wait.

You have something on your cheek.

You got a spot on your cheek.

Felix, that's not a spot, it's a, it's a beauty mark.

It's a fake.

See, I thought it would be a good idea.

You did?

I read somewhere that models use them

to highlight certain parts of their face.

See, I thought it would help you catch my eyes, see?

You want me to take the dot off my face.

I want you to take the dot out of my studio.

The best models aren't doing that anymore.

They aren't?

No. Besides, what do you need it for?

Your face is a natural.

Did Lincoln need a dot?

You're right, Felix! I don't need it.

Okay, up we go.

Oh, Don, you look so cute.

We're working here.

Way, Toro, a Picasso, hey-ya.

All right, here we go.

Here we go.

Hey-oh, no, no.

There's a shadow crossing my face.

The shadow is from your hands.

You do your job, I'll do my job.

Listen, you don't want a shadow

coming between my eyes and the old public do you?

I can fix it in a second.

Here, you come over here.

Don't touch... Ow!

He burned me!

I'm sorry.

Take it easy, kids.

Go into the dressing room.

You'll find some ointment.

See what you've done.

I just wanted to show off my face.

Your face?

All you think about is your face.

You think your face is more important

than that poor girl's...

Oscar, you're acting like a spoiled child.

Attention, everybody.

Mr. Whitehill is here.

They know I'm here, you hippy-freak.

They can see me.

Mr. Whitehill.

Pleasure to meet you.

This is Felix Unger. He's the photographer.

If you're a photographer, why aren't you taking pictures?

That's what I'm paying you for, isn't it?

We're on a break right now.

Oh, you're Madison, huh?

I like your face, Madison.

Thank you, I'm going to try to live up to...

Don't get too choked up, I just saw another face I like.

Hello, dear, I'm rich.

Is there any particular expression...

I said I like your face.

Your mouth, I'm not that excited about.

Maybe you'd like me to explain...

I'd like somebody to explain.

All I get from this weirdo is "it's happening, it's today!"

Oscar, I've been trying to get this close-up for an hour now.

Every time I'm ready to take the picture,

you turn your face away from the camera.

Why do you do that, Oscar?

I can't seem to get into it.

Get in to what, Oscar?

Felix, I'm supposed to be a matador

who is getting ready for the kill.

I have to sense the elation and relate to the moment.

Why don't you relate to the fact

that my sinuses are killing me

and face the camera?

I can't do that, Felix.

If I don't feel the elation, it won't radiate...

Are there ducks in here?

I hear ducks.

It, it's his sinuses.

Do you see how I'm scratching?

You hear me honking?

Yeah, what's wrong?

What's wrong?

The black dot on the face,

the phony mustache,

the ruining the film, the burning the girl's backside,

the hour-late "Hi, Felix."

Oh, I'm quitting.

You can't do that, it's finally happening.

Don't ever say "happening" in my studio again.

And as for you, you're a dirty old man

and Mandar cologne smells like a World War II undershirt.

Now all of you, clear out of here,

and leave me alone with my hives.

Unger, you're a real man.

Not many men talk up to me.

I didn't think you had it in you.

I didn't think I did either.

I like a man with spirit.

That mean I can run things my own way around here?

No, I like a man with spirit but not on the payroll.

That's why I hire a jellyfish like Rudy.

Thank you, sir.

Wait a minute.

You can't fire my buddy.

Madison, I can fire anybody I want to, including you.

As a matter of fact, I've decided

that your common face is a little bit too common.

Good-bye.

Oh, wait a minute, sir.

Everything you saw here today was my fault.

I got a swelled head, with the modeling and everything.

I drove Felix crazy.

Look, you could fire me, that's okay,

but don't fire Felix,

this job is very important to him.

By jingo, I like that, too...

A man who sticks up for his friend.

Then we can keep our jobs?

No, I like a man who sticks up for his friend,

but I can't keep prima donnas on the payroll either.

Come on, girls, I've got a bar in my limousine.

Ooh!

I've never been in a limousine, except at a funeral.

Leave the costumes.

I'll buy them.

Felix... Oscar.

Don't say anything.

You won't accept my apology?

I accept it.

As long as I don't have to listen to it.

Guess what?

I made place cards

so the all guys will know where they sit at the game tonight.

Goody.

Well, I think it's a very nice idea.

Felix, this is not

the Daughters of the American Revolution

getting together to have tea.

This is six animals hunched around a table,

trying to grab money from each other.

Somebody's early.

Probably Speed.

Hey.

Felix yoon-ger?

Yeah.

Ah. Oh, thanks.

Uh, you gave me a pill.

I'm sorry.

What is it?

It's from Mandar.

It must be the ad campaign.

Hey, you mean they're going to use the stuff you shot?

They used my layout all right.

What about that, Felix?

They couldn't pass up a good thing,

no matter how they felt personally.

They couldn't pass up

using a million dollar face like mine, huh?

Oscar.