Original subtitles

Boy, am I nervous.

How do I look?

Wow! Sensational.

Really? Mm-hmm.

I can't believe how nervous I am.

Why? Haven't you ever been a best man before?

No.

Just a groom and an usher.

Well, I know you failed as a groom.

How'd you do as an usher?

That's very funny.

Weren't you nervous at your wedding?

No, I was too mad to be nervous.

Mad?!

Yeah. Blanche purposely scheduled our wedding

on the same day as an all-star baseball game.

I'm probably the only man in America

who prayed for his wedding to be rained out.

What are you going to do this afternoon?

Oh, I got a great day planned without you.

I'm gonna hang around for a couple of hours,

then I'm gonna have a few beers...

and then I'm going to watch the ball game.

That sounds nice.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

You know the rules: No golfing on the carpet.

That's what I mean... Without you.

Come on, Felix, please, please!

No, put it away. Put it away... in the closet.

Will you go to the wedding already?!

I'm going to be late. Now, don't forget:

You'll water the plants and you'll put out the trash.

Yeah, and don't forget to congratulate the groom

and kiss the bride for me, all right?

And Felix... try not to cry.

You know what the problem is?

This living room has a downhill lie,

then breaks to the left.

You'd think, for the kind of rent I pay,

they'd keep the greens in better condition.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I thought that you were Felix Unger.

I can't see through this veil.

I'm not Felix Unger.

I can see that.

Where is he?

Where is he?! That rat!

That rat, he ruined my marriage!

You come out of there, Felix!

Oh...

He ruined my marriage before it even was a marriage.

Come on, where is he?!

He's supposed to be at a wedding.

Oh, your wedding is the wedding, huh?

I'm Phyllis Parker.

How do you do? Oscar Madison.

I would've been Mrs. Harvey Bixley by now

but Felix ruined all that.

What do you mean... He didn't show up?

That's what I mean.

That's terrible.

Felix knows you can't have a wedding

without a best man.

It's even harder without a groom.

You mean Harvey didn't show up, either?

You sure you put the right church

on the invitation?

I put the right church!

I printed it myself!

Okay, calm down.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

A drink?

Would you like to putt a little?

Oh... they knew when it was supposed to be.

It was supposed to be today

and they didn't show up

and it's all Felix's fault.

No, it breaks to the left.

You have to compensate.

Thanks.

Now, if you could tell me what Felix had to do

with Harvey not showing up for the wedding.

He had everything to do with it.

This is not the first time that I've been stood up at the altar.

Really?

I'm not as young as I look.

Seven years ago, exactly, the same thing happened to me.

Only then I had a beehive hairdo.

Oh, I can't concentrate

when my whole world is falling apart!

I'm 30 years old.

And if I've lost Harvey Bixley

then it's all over for me.

Oh, come on, Phyllis.

You're a very attractive girl.

Would you like to marry me?

This is so sudden... I hardly know you.

Phyllis, that's a silly question.

Oh, see? That's what I mean.

Harvey was my last shot.

Besides... I love him.

Oh, if Felix blew this...

I'm going to get him!

I'm going to get him...

Look, maybe if you told me

what Felix has to do with Harvey not showing up at the wedding,

I could understand it better.

It was last evening.

We were having a wedding rehearsal.

The minister was there, Harvey was there.

And my third cousin, who I'm not too crazy about.

She's the maid of honor.

I didn't want her to be the maid of honor.

No, I wanted Ruth Kulick, but Miss Big Shot

was all tied up with a Tupperware party

and she couldn't make it...

Whoa, do-do-do.

Get to Felix.

Was he there last night?

He was there.

We were in the minister's study, see?

We were right in the middle of a dress rehearsal...

All right, we'll pretend the singer has just finished

"Red Sails in the Sunset."

Our groom and best man have moved into position,

and now the organ starts "Here Comes the Bride."

All eyes turn toward the rear...

Excuse me.

Yes?

You say we enter after "Red Sails in the Sunset"?

Yes, the singer finishes...

♪ La-da, da-da, da-da ♪

♪ ...safely to me. ♪

And the groom and best man enter.

Something wrong?

No, it's just that in other weddings I've been in,

we entered during "Red Sails in the Sunset."

Well, actually, it was "I Love You Truly,"

but what's the difference?

The song is different but the principle is the same.

Felix, um... What church was that?

I think that was Methodist.

Here you enter after the song.

All right.

The organ starts to play "Here Comes..."

I'm sorry. Yes?

You're right. You're right and I'm wrong.

No, in those other weddings I did enter during the song,

but I wasn't the best man, I was an usher,

and I lit candles during the song.

You're right and I was wrong. I'm sorry.

Fine.

Now we'll pretend the organ is playing "Here Comes the Bride."

All eyes turn toward the back.

Will the maid of honor start down the aisle, please?

♪ The bride and the father... ♪

Fine, fine, fine.

Now here, I'll make a few general remarks.

Dearly beloved, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Then the father steps back.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah... and the best man

gives the ring to the groom.

I don't have it.

You're not supposed to have it.

It's only the rehearsal. Right.

Just pretend, you know, pantomime.

Now, just repeat after me:

"With this ring, I thee wed."

With this ring... I thee wed.

I think it would be better

if we limited participation to the groom, hmm?

I'm sorry, I'm terribly sorry.

"With this ring, I thee wed."

With this ring I thee wed.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Um... Felix... Oh, I'm sorry.

W-w-what's wrong?

What's going on here?

It's all my fault.

Well, we know that.

Shh! Don't shh me, it's my wedding!

What is that awful noise he's making?

It's his sinuses. He's always done that.

He's always done that

and you asked him to be our best man?

I'm sorry.

Oh, it's all right, Felix.

Don't tell him it's all right.

What if he does that tomorrow?

My sister isn't flying in from Tulsa

to hear that awful noise.

I'm sorry, Phyllis.

It's just that I...

You could've had Norman Sinclair

as your best man.

He has a sinus condition,

but all he does is blow his nose.

The man is upset.

Can't you see that the man is upset?

I can hear that.

Uh, Felix?

Hey, Felix, uh...

what's the matter with you?

Just this lovely ceremony.

Reminds me of the one Gloria and I had.

Gloria?

Gloria's his ex-wife.

Oh, no wonder.

He probably made that awful noise

at his own wedding.

Such a lovely wedding.

I remember the beautiful little flower girl...

who later testified against me at the divorce.

I wish you could have been at our wedding.

Even the caterer said it was a lovely wedding

and he knows weddings.

Oh, it's so sad.

Everything begins so beautifully

and ends so badly.

Felix depressed everyone so much

with the description of his own marriage,

that he even had my own parents

contemplating divorce.

Come on, Phyllis,

I know Felix better than anyone.

And he's a pain, but I can't believe

it's all his fault.

Well, it had to be him because, well,

Harvey's never made a decision on his own

in his whole life.

Harvey... well, he's a jellyfish.

But he's the only jellyfish in my sea.

Hello, Phyllis.

Oh! Where is he?!

What have you done with Harvey?

I'm sure we can settle this in a civilized manner.

I'm sorry.

Yesterday you were sorry about the rehearsal.

Today you're sorry about the wedding.

Would you like to stick around and try for the children?

Phyllis, what can I say?

You can say that Harvey is ready to get married.

I can't say that.

Oh... where is he?!

I went by his apartment this morning

to pick him up, and he wasn't there.

Where was he?

I didn't know.

Even his mother didn't know.

And then it came to me...

It dawned like a flash of lightning from the sky.

Where has he gone all his life whenever he had a problem?

To the movies.

Yes, he proposed to me

during the intermission of Dr. Zhivago.

And sure enough, there he was,

in the loges of the One More Time.

"One more time?"

It's the name of the theater.

They show old classic films.

Will you put these away?

Did you ask him why he didn't show up at the wedding?

I tried, but people wouldn't let us talk; they kept shushing us.

They made us move to the balcony.

Will you wait'll I get a tape recorder?

Because nobody's going to believe this entire conversation.

Shh!

What did he say in the balcony?

Well, not much at first.

The movie was A Man And A Woman.

That's a classic film, Oscar.

It's a beautiful love story about...

A man and a woman.

I picked it up from the title.

He just kept staring at the screen and saying,

"Why can't it be like that for me?"

I she still doing that?

Oh, that picture has ruined my life.

Will you tell us what Harvey said about the wedding!

He said he didn't want to get married.

I tried, Phyllis, I tried.

Oh! Felix Unger, I'll never forgive you!

Only two other people in the whole world

have said that to me:

You and my ex-wife.

Yeah, but I didn't really mean it, Felix.

Well, that's it, I may as well

check out of the human race.

Having Felix Unger for a friend is a jinx.

Well, Felix, having you for a friend is not exactly

like having a rabbit's foot in your pocket,

but it's not a jinx.

Well, that's it.

It's all over for me.

I have no place to go.

I realized that

when I rang for the elevator.

My lease on the apartment was up this morning.

I already moved my stuff to Harvey's.

The only place that I fit in is the front window of a bakery.

Oh...

Don't you touch me, you jinx!

Phyllis, you're overexcited.

Why don't you go in the bedroom and lay down?

Because I don't want to mess up my hairdo.

It cost me $12.50.

That crummy hairdresser.

He wouldn't even give me a bridal discount.

Yeah, but if you rest, you'll feel better.

Come on, lie down. Come on.

Yeah, well, maybe you're right.

Okay. Right down the hall.

Okay. I hate you.

Maybe if she eats something.

She's killed herself.

Phyllis!

Phyllis, what is it?

This room, it's so dirty!

How many times...?

Oh, it's not so bad.

It's just that she's in white.

Look, why don't you go

in Felix's room?

It's a little cleaner there.

This is terrible. Terrible!

We've got to do something.

What do you mean, we've got to do something?

Oh, Oscar, I have messed up so badly.

Will you please go back to the theater and talk to Harvey?

Come on, Felix, I don't even know this guy.

Never mind.

I'll do it my... All right, all right,

all right, if my best friend is this upset,

it's my problem, too.

Besides, I want to get out of here... I'm going to go crazy.

I'll change and then I'll go.

Oscar... What?

Thank you.

That's all right.

Listen, how will I know this guy when I see him?

He's the only one in the balcony

in a top hat and striped pants.

Harvey?

Harvey?

Harvey Bixley?

Harvey, for heaven's sakes,

answer this loudmouth.

I'm Harvey Bixley.

Hooray, he found him!

I'm Oscar Madison, Felix Unger's roommate.

Oh.

I came to talk to you about Phyllis.

Oh, I already talked to Felix about Phyllis.

Yeah, well, look, since I'm not as involved as Felix,

maybe you and I could talk about it, huh?

Like Ronald Reagan.

Ronald Reagan?

Oh, in all those old movies,

he was always the one you went to

when you had troubles.

You always went to Ronald Reagan.

Well, times have changed.

Actually, you should be talking to Phyllis.

It's not that easy for Phyllis and me to talk.

Oh, look, see,

this is one of my favorite parts...

Where the man drives hundreds of miles

through the night, just to see the woman.

Now that's love, you see.

Did you know I worked

at the unemployment office?

Harvey, maybe you ought to snap your fingers

when you're gonna change the subject.

Oh, I'm sorry, but it's all tied together.

Phyllis works there, too.

For years we've been working together during the days

and going to the movies together at night.

Harvey, you're not going to tell me

about your childhood, are you? No.

Thank goodness!

But in the early years,

we saw a lot of Rock Hudson-Doris Day movies.

You know, Rock was always the handsome bachelor

and Doris was the girl

that wouldn't even kiss anybody

until she was married to them.

You know those movies?

Oh, how movies have changed.

Well, that was fine.

I mean, I'd look at those movies

and I'd think, well, they're make-believe

and that Phyllis and I were reality.

Then we saw A Man And A Woman,

and it was, uh... something else.

The passion, the sensitivity,

the ecstasy of victory, the agony of defeat...

That wasn't Man And A Woman,

that was the Wide World of Sports.

Anyway, after we saw this picture,

uh, it seemed like

Phyllis and I were make-believe.

It just... messed up our lives.

Harvey, now, look... You listen to me.

You're real, and Phyllis is real.

The picture is nice but that's not the way life is.

I know, but that's the way life should...

That's the trouble with a lot of marriages today.

They expect it to be like it is in the movies,

but it never is.

I mean, if you don't like a movie, you can walk out on it.

But it's not that easy in life.

And somebody just hit me with a gumdrop.

Harvey...

there's a girl waiting back in my apartment

who expected to get married today.

The least you could do is talk to her.

I guess you're right.

Great, let's go.

Oh!

After the scene at the beach.

Listen, you want to play musical chairs,

sit downstairs.

Shh!

Hey!

Have I got a boy for you!

Hi.

I want to get married.

Hmph! Well, I don't want to marry you.

Good-bye, Harvey.

How do you like that?

A man pours his heart out to a woman

and she just walks out on him.

Hey... I wonder why, Felix.

Oh, it doesn't matter why.

She's gone, isn't she?

Anouk Aimee would never do anything like that.

Wait a minute, Harvey, where are you going?

To the movies?

Felix... I left a woman

that wanted to get married,

to find a man that didn't want to get married.

I came back with a man

that wanted to get married

to find a woman that didn't want to get married.

Now, somewhere in there, something went wrong.

Do you have any idea why?

Could've been lots of things, I...

Oh, I know it could've been lots of things

but I'm looking for the thing

that happened between the time I left and came back.

I... maybe this had something to do with it... I...

What's that?

A transcript of my divorce trial.

You had it bound?

I know you're entitled to an explanation.

I'm entitled to your head on a stick

but I'll settle for an explanation.

We got to talking about marriage

and I showed her my wedding pictures,

I showed her the slides of my honeymoon...

Ooh, I'll bet she was thrilled.

Oscar, my shot of Niagara Falls by moonlight

made the cover of Newslife.

I'm sure, Felix.

But did you ever stop to think

that maybe your marriage started to fall apart

when you decided to start taking pictures

on the first night of your honeymoon?

Phyllis asked about that

and I told her that Gloria mentioned it at the divorce

and that's when I took out the transcript...

Felix!

I'm a fool!

No, no, you're not a fool.

Yes, you're a fool.

Oh, I've made such a mess of things.

I'm going to straighten this out.

Where you going?

To straighten this out.

How? I don't know!

Look, we have to get 'em in a place

where neither of 'em can walk out.

They work together at the unemployment office.

That's the place.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

I'm sorry, Mr. Sanchez,

but you must realize

we don't get too many calls for flamenco dancers.

Hi, Harve.

Felix, Oscar.

Any luck?

No. I tried to talk to her this morning.

She threw a 38-dash-22 at me.

That's one of our forms for non-English speaking aliens.

It was... humiliating.

In other words, no talking?

No talking, just... throwing.

But if we can get her to talk to you,

you'll talk to her, right?

Of course. All I need is a chance.

Okay, wait here.

Uh, well...

I'm supposed to start my coffee break now.

Is it all right if I wait over by the doughnuts?

All right, sir, next week, regular window.

Well, what do you want?

Phyllis, we thought...

maybe if you and Harvey just talked.

Hmm. There's nothing to talk about.

How do you know if you don't talk?

Because, I thought about it all last night.

Harvey is just the way I was in my first marriage.

Your first marriage?

The first time that I almost got married.

I was just a drippy kid.

See, I thought everything was like it was in the movies.

And that's the way Harvey is.

He thinks everything is like it is in A Man And A Woman.

I mean, the first time he saw me in curlers,

the whole thing would be over.

No, I don't think so.

No, I think Harvey's got more to him than that.

There is nothing to him.

That is why I'm leaving him, this job, this town.

I am gonna work in the unemployment office

in Albuquerque, New Mexico, or any other place

where they've never heard of Harvey Bixley... that jellyfish.

Maybe the old Harvey's a jellyfish,

but the new Harvey may not be.

Hmph! New? What's new?

This morning, I threw a 38-dash-22 at him,

he nearly fainted.

He's just a jellyfish.

Phyllis...

why don't you talk to him?

He's over there at the doughnuts.

Go ahead. Talk to him. Please.

Eh, I don't know.

Phyllis... there's a man at the doughnuts

who loves you.

Does that mean nothing to you?

Yeah, well, all right, maybe, maybe I could talk to him.

But he better have something to say!

Felix and Oscar said that you

want to talk to me.

Uh, yes.

Well... Now, look, Harvey,

I'm not going to mess around.

They say that you've changed.

For once in your life, be a man.

Do you or do you not want to marry me?

Well... "Well, well?"

I ask you for a "yes" or a "no."

A "well" is neither of those.

Well, uh...

That's perfect, that's perfect.

A jelly doughnut, for a jellyfish.

Well, you are never going

to see me again, ever.

You had your chance and you blew it.

This is the last

that you'll ever see Phyllis Parker.

Good-bye, Harvey.

It didn't work.

She walked out on me the same way Lilli Palmer

walked out on John Garfield in Body and Soul!

Harvey, you're out of your mind!

The girl is walking out of your life!

This isn't a scene from a movie, she's really leaving you!

Well, what do you think I should do?

Stop her! How?

Go after her! Yell!

Phyllis!

W-w-what do I do now?

If you don't know what to do now,

you're really hopeless.

Did you yell at me?

Shut up, Phyllis, and listen.

"Shut up, Phyllis"?!

"Shut up, Phyllis"?!

I tried to talk to you yesterday,

and you wouldn't listen.

I tried to talk to you today, and you wouldn't listen.

Now, you're going to listen.

First of all, Phyllis, I have been a fool,

because, for as long as I can remember,

I've been living in a world that didn't exist!

I wouldn't say that's... Shut up, Felix.

"Shut up, Felix"?

For me, it was always the movies

but that's all over now.

No more running along the ocean,

no more slow-motion kisses.

From now on... it's going to be you and me

and a couple of babies

in some crummy apartment, and you're going to love it.

Do you understand that, Phyllis?

Oh, Harvey.

Kiss her, Harvey!

I'm really surprised that you, of all people,

wanted to see this movie.

Well, sitting here with Harvey, I got interested.

I want to see how it turns out.

Watch this.

This is the part where the man

tells the woman about his first wife.

Hey, keep it down!

There's a lot of grouches come to this theater.

Shh!

I wonder if they'll be happy.

I thought you saw the picture.

Harvey and Phyllis.

Oh, well, at least they got married today.

Already that's an improvement.

And you got to go.

Yeah.

"Red Sails in the Sunset" at a wedding?

I'm strictly an "I Love You Truly" man myself.

I got a green one. What'd you get?

A red one.

I'll trade you.

You got it.