Original subtitles

Felix, I got a hangover, will ya?

You're defrosting my freezer.

I was frappéing this for you.

A little waker-upper.

How about a little shutter-upper?

I was just trying to be nice.

I know you have a hangover this morning.

It's because of you I have a hangover.

Now leave me alone

before I do something I may regret.

I said I was sorry about last night!

You're shouting, Felix.

What's to be sorry?

I love to stay in a bar till 4:00 in the morning,

because my roommate locked me out of my own apartment.

Aren't you forgetting our little pact?

I'm running out of patience, Felix.

When the mat is turned over,

that means one of us has got a girl.

The other guy is on his own.

Yeah, but the mat's been turned over

four times already this week.

I'm on a hot streak with the ladies.

Warren Beatty was never on such a hot streak with the ladies.

What were you doing till 4:00 a.m.?

I was showing slides of Atlantic City.

Now I get it.

First you bore them to death,

then you make your move.

Get out of my life, Felix.

Look, the pact was your idea.

Do you want to draw up another one?

I'm more than willing to sign it.

All I want you to do is shut up and leave me alone.

Oscar.

Shut up, Felix.

Here, drink this.

Oh, Oscar, even animals... Shut up, Felix.

That's two "shut up, Felixes."

No, that's three "shut up, Felixes"... you miscounted.

Get out of my room, now!

I'm frappéing one for myself.

I just frappéed it.

And you're next!

I was only trying to help you.

Do you want to help me, Felix?

Yes. Really help?

Yes!

Get out!

Do you realize you're practically telling me

you don't want me here anymore?

What "practically"?

I'm saying it: I don't want you here anymore.

What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

Keep it up, Oscar, keep it up.

I'm likely to take you up on it.

Take me up on it.

You know, I've got a good mind to really leave.

You have no choice, Felix... you're out!

Just remember the old adage:

"Laugh before breakfast and you'll cry before dinner."

No, no, you have it all wrong:

"Cry when you're here, laugh when you're out."

Fine!

Let it be on your head.

That's right, Gwen,

and now the place is mine.

Yeah, I mean it's all mine.

What do you say we have dinner tonight?

You like Chinese food?

Great, we'll have a feast.

Ciao.

Madison Manor, Oscar the Beautiful speaking.

It's me.

I don't want to talk and I'm not trying to make up.

Kindly forward my mail to Murray's.

Does Murray know what he's doing?

Murray and Mimi are not fair-weather friends.

Please remember to water my fern.

And the sink's been giving me trouble.

If it backs up...

Felix...

I intend to sell the sink.

Hey, you did a great job

straightening up my closet.

Thank you, Murray.

Huh?

Felix did it.

Oh, thanks, Felix.

Isn't he something?

I think he's charming.

He pulls out a chair for a lady,

opens a door, cooks like a chef.

And he doesn't mind doing the dishes.

Murray, we'll have you doing the dishes yet.

Listen, Gwen, I'm sorry about the chow mein.

I didn't know Felix had taken his soy sauce with him.

Oh, that's all right.

It's not just the soy sauce, Oscar.

I just don't like eating out of cartons.

It makes the egg rolls taste like cardboard.

There's nothing I can do about it.

See, I'm out of plates and the sink is full of them.

I'm going to sell that sink.

Hey, try some sweet and sour duck.

No, no, I don't think I will.

Oh, go ahead, really, it's really good.

No, really, I don't crave any now.

And I'm sure I won't crave any an hour from now.

Oh, what difference does it make?

Gwendolyn, do you realize

this is the very first time

you and I have been ever alone in this apartment...

Without Felix, I mean?

Yes.

I miss him.

You miss Felix?

Why? He was always in the way,

cleaning and tidying and vacuuming.

Dusting.

Do you know, he never even kissed me good-bye.

How about kissing me hello?

No, I really don't think I should.

I mean, after eating from those cartons,

I think I've got cardboard on my breath.

No, you don't. No, you really don't.

You know, it's really so sad

about you and Felix.

What is?

I mean, how could you throw him out

into the cold, dark night?

Gwendolyn, it was 10:00 in the morning on a sunny day.

Besides, it was the best thing for both of us.

Why?

Why? Because we were driving each other crazy, that's why.

Heaven knows, I really tried.

Oh, now I think I understand.

Do you? Yeah.

Do you know, I... I remember my first fiancée.

We got a little tipsy one night

and I really told him off.

And then he bit my ankle.

He bit your ankle?

Yeah.

Oh, well, he was lying under the table at the time.

Ooh, he was a terrible drinker, that one.

Do you know, about a month after that,

he got discharged from the Queen's guards

because they found a bottle under his busby.

Busbies, bottles, what are we talking about?

We should be talking about us.

A man and a woman, alone, finally, in the apart...

Oscar, what's that?

That's a turkey leg.

I know it's a turkey leg.

What's it doing stuffed down behind the settee?

I was gonna have it for lunch, on Tuesday, but I lost it.

You lost a turkey leg?

You're crying because I lost a turkey leg?

No...

You reminded me of Felix.

A turkey leg reminded you of Felix?

No, well, it just seemed

so lost and disjointed.

I mean, the place isn't the same without him.

That's right, it's better.

I mean, I can still feel

his presence through all the dirt.

Well, look, I'll clean it up, hon!

Well, you can't clean away his memory.

It's on your head, Oscar.

That's fascinating.

Did you use it today?

Nah.

I'm just getting it in shape

for tomorrow's inspection.

It's a rule.

They have to clean their guns every day.

Every day?

Our police commissioner's a real crackerjack.

Yeah, it's too bad he's resigning.

He's resigning?

Yeah, he's getting his own talk show next year.

You missed a little spot on the barrel.

Yeah, well, just watch it, Felix.

You know, that's...

Is it loaded?

It's loaded.

Oh, Murray, he got your number painting.

Felix shot Daphne right between the eyes.

He loved it so.

It took him six months to fill her in.

She was just like a member of the family.

What can I say?

Aw, don't say anything. Just forget it.

Are you sure it's all right?

Yeah, it's okay, Felix. It's all right.

Well, good, then I'm going

to speak with complete frankness to you, Murray.

I think it's deplorable that a police officer,

with your background,

would clean a loaded pistol in his own home.

I know it's a violation,

but I'm not going to report you this time,

because you've been a very good friend to me.

But from now on, I'm warning you:

watch your step.

Good night, Mimi.

Thanks, Felix.

Mimi... take the gun away from me, please.

Oh, Murray.

$350 a month?!

For what?

All the place needs is a little sprucing up.

Mister, you need the sprucing up.

This place could use the National Guard.

Aw, come on, lady.

You could clean this place up with your eyes closed.

I'd have to do it with my eyes,

ears, nose and throat closed.

This place is cursed.

Where are you going?

I'd never take this job.

I'd sooner clean up the zoo.

Yeah, well, don't come begging for a second chance.

Mimi, you know, I'm as fond of Felix as you are,

but I can't take this anymore.

You know what he did last night?

You went to your bridge club, you know?

I decided to get to bed early.

Well, about 11:30, I woke up to get a drink of water.

When I got back to the bedroom, my bed was made up.

He's driving me crazy.

Well, Murray, I'll be honest with you.

He's driving me crazy, too.

Well, that did it.

Just going to have to tell him

he's going to have to leave.

Good.

When he comes in, you tell him.

Me?

You're the man in the family.

But, Felix is my friend.

I can't just tell him...

Put on your badge and gun, maybe that'll give you

some courage.

Good morning, all!

Oh, you're having your breakfast.

Darn, I was going to fix you

one of my specialties:

Omelet a la Unger.

Ah, that's nice of you Felix.

Nice of me. Don't be silly.

It's the least I can do.

I'm not a sentimental man,

but you two have been so wonderful to me.

Unlike certain others who shall remain nameless.

Words can't express my feelings.

Well, Felix, the feeling is mutual.

Right, Murray?

Right, Felix.

I better get ready to go to work.

One thing... since we're going

to be together for some time,

I thought maybe we better do something about the bathroom.

What's wrong with the bathroom?

Nothing's wrong with your bathroom, per se.

But we all take our showers in the morning,

and we get jammed up.

I thought it might be better

if one of us took a shower the night before.

Now, Murray should be allowed to take a shower whenever he wants to,

because he works irregular hours.

So that leaves you and me.

How would you feel

about taking your shower the night before, Mimi?

Felix, we're really not going to be needing a schedule.

No, we don't, it's just... it's very simple to work out,

if you let me explain...

Well, that's not what Murray means.

Is it, Murray?

Murray?

It's my mother.

Go on, Murray.

It's her mother.

She's coming to visit us.

Oh, wonderful.

Where's she going to sleep?

In your room.

You mean you want me to leave.

We're only thinking of you, Felix.

I wouldn't wish my mother off on anybody.

Except Murray,

and that's only because I love him.

I've enjoyed my stay with you very much.

And I thank you.

I'll pack.

We had to do it.

Well, maybe now,

he'll go back home to Oscar.

Yeah... poor Felix.

Poor Oscar.

Hey, Oscar, Tony Ann in the third.

Oscar, I know you're not burying a bone,

so you must be looking for something.

Looking for my gray shirt.

Felix must have hid it before he left.

Now, where would he hide my gray shirt?

Maybe it's under your other gray clothes.

Hey, Speed, what does this look like?

Like a pajama top and tie.

Looks like you're going to a formal slumber party.

Yeah.

I just wanted you to know, that if there's any mail for me...

Felix, we had this conversation three days ago.

I know, send it to Murray's.

No, to Vinnie's.

How come you're at Vinnie's?

Murray's mother-in-law is coming to visit.

Vinnie has plenty of room, his wife is visiting her mother.

Ah! She must've heard you were coming.

Shall we leave personalities out of this, Mr. Madison?

Okay, listen, Felix, hey...

Now, where'd you hide my gray shirt?

It's in the refrigerator.

It's wrapped in a towel

with a couple of other shirts.

In the refrigerator?! Why?

That's the way you keep shirts damp before you iron them.

I thought it was lettuce wrapped in a towel.

Where'd you put the lettuce, in the laundry hamper?

I didn't call for the purpose

of enjoying your delicate sarcasm, Oscar.

I'm only concerned about my mail.

What mail? The only mail you ever get

is the National Geographic.

That came three days ago.

So you don't have to call me for four more weeks.

Felix, will you please sit down and give me a chance

to win some of my money back?

Ashes.

Isn't it enough that you're cleaning up in gin?

Can't you clean up just one thing at a time?

Felix, what kind of air freshener is that?

Sea Wind... "makes every room as fresh as the incoming tide."

What's wrong?

I don't like the smell of the incoming tide.

I like green pine.

Green pine?

Am I to gather that you'd

prefer I freshen the room with green pine?

No, no, you're my guest.

Freshen the air with anything that you like.

But will you spray fast and sit down?

You got me on a blitz.

Well, I've checked your books,

and you can continue to live like a king... if you don't eat.

He did it to me.

The curse of the Felix, it's on my head, he did it.

Look at that.

Isn't this ridiculous?

Not especially.

But that... that's ridiculous.

Vinnie, if I were you, I'd speak to Bebe

about her furniture polish.

Whatever she's using is leaving a film.

I polish the furniture.

Oh.

I don't see any film.

My ex-wife could never see any film either.

Gloria had weak depth perception.

I don't see it because it's not there.

If you say so.

Not because I say so, because it doesn't exist.

Fine. It doesn't exist.

But if you'd try Neverdust,

instead of whatever it is you're using...

I tried Neverdust and it had a funny smell.

You're telling me my tables smell?

Felix, I... I never smelled your tables.

Now, will you pick a card?

I don't need to.

Why?

Gin.

Why don't you admit it: you miss him.

Are you kidding?

What's to miss?

This is living.

I'll tell you what I do miss:

a doctor, because I think

I shattered the whole knee.

Yeah?

Hi, it's me.

Oh, Felix the witch doctor.

I just wanted to tell you where to forward my mail.

Oh, you got bounced out of Vinnie's so fast?

My parting with Vinnie was perfectly amicable.

Yeah, yeah, okay, where are you now?

I'm upstairs at the Pigeon sisters'.

They insisted I come.

And in a few hours, they'll insist you go.

This is ridiculous, Oscar.

Same to you, pal.

You're really sure I won't be in the way, aren't you?

Oh, of course not.

It'll be great fun having you.

Really? Yes!

It'll be like one big party.

Oh, wonderful. And I'll do all the cooking.

No, no, no, no.

I do all the cooking in this house.

Oh, there I go, I'm awful.

Of course you'll do all the cooking.

I'll just cook for myself.

Oh, no, I can prepare all your favorite dishes.

Oh, yes, Gwen's marvelous.

You should see her late husband.

He was as thin as a rail.

She had him stout in no time.

He wasn't stout.

Oh, if that Sidney wasn't stout.

No.

He was... well-proportioned.

Oh, yes, well-proportioned, for a big fat fellow.

Oh, stop it...

I make awful noises at night with my sinuses.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, well, that's all right.

Cessie and I are loud snorers.

Not as loud as big fat Sidney.

I just wanted to tell you, I do strange things.

Felix, I've told you before,

we're nice girls.

I know.

I just wanted to warn you

that it may not all be one big party.

Some people seem to find me difficult to live with.

Oh, that's silly.

I'm exhausted; I'm going to bed.

I'm tired out from all this moving.

One thing: When do you girls bathe?

Aren't you getting a little personal?

We both bathe in the morning, Felix.

Why?

Ah, that's bad, you see, that makes three.

It would be so much better

if one of us took his bath at night before going to bed.

Well, you two talk it over.

Good night.

He may be right, you know.

What? About the shower?

No, about it not being one big party.

Don't you agree?

No, I don't agree.

And I don't agree

about what you said about my Sidney, so there.

Oh, America's guest.

Just passing through.

On your way to where?

That's my business.

Oh.

Oh, I, uh... I forgot my keys.

And I guess that's my business.

I still have mine.

As I was passing through,

I thought I'd return your key to you.

Thank you.

Here's your key.

Thank you.

Hey, what's happening?

About what?

You're obviously not Willy Loman.

What are you doing carrying those bags?

Just leaving.

How did you get the Pigeon sisters mad at you?

It's impossible to get them mad at anybody.

I'd prefer not to discuss it, if you don't mind.

Well, what'll you do now, take an ad in the paper: "Help offered"?

No, I'm going to a hotel.

You throwing out garbage?

Board of Health force you to?

Nah, I don't want things

to get piled up, you know.

How is everything with you?

Oh, fine, great.

It's a little cluttered in there,

but that's the way I like it.

Cluttered.

Yeah, but it's going to be okay

'cause I'm gonna have somebody come and clean once a week.

Get somebody to do your laundry, too.

This is what they call the casual look.

We've been friends a long time... Oscar, we made mistakes.

What were you gonna say? No, go ahead.

No, I was just gonna say that

I don't know what I was going to say.

What were you going to say?

Something stupid, I'm sure.

Oh, no, Felix, no, you say some bright things

and you do some bright...

Look, I'm telling you, I'm the dumb one.

The truth is, I was doing a lot better

when you were living here.

Well, I certainly hope so.

Since you left and you put that curse on me,

everything's been going wrong.

Felix, what I mean is, you don't have to go

to the hotel if you don't want to.

You really mean it?

What do you want me to do,

give you a speech, a ticker tape parade?

I don't have any more confetti.

Oh, I hate confetti.

It's perfectly useless and it's messy.

Well, I'm glad you find something funny to laugh at.

It's just it's the first time I laughed since you left.

I just want to know I'm welcome, that's all.

You're welcome.

My house is your house, Felix... come on.

Felix?

Look, I know this is going to sound silly, but...

would you remove the curse?

Oh, Oscar...

Please, will you? It's on my head.

I mean it, Felix, it's on my head.

I remove the curse.

Thank you, Felix.

Oh, come on, now, don't get sentimental.

I'm not sentimental.

Who wouldn't cry looking at this kitchen?

Good morning.

I bring you morning cheer.

Hi, Felix.

What is it?

Boysenberry and clam juice.

It's good, drink it.

Ew, it smells awful.

Mmm!

Mmm! That's good.

Open the doors.

Open the doors?!

Open the doors.

I'll drink it.

I really will, I'll drink it.