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1
00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:13,412
18 minutes from Kennedy
International Airport to here.
2
00:00:13,447 --> 00:00:15,158
Wow, I can't thank
you enough, Murray.
3
00:00:15,182 --> 00:00:18,350
I think my next car is
gonna be a police car.
4
00:00:18,386 --> 00:00:19,562
What are you waiting for, a tip?
5
00:00:19,586 --> 00:00:20,763
You can put down the bags.
6
00:00:20,787 --> 00:00:22,099
I want to hear
more about that girl
7
00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:24,034
you met at the airport,
you know? I'll tell you.
8
00:00:24,058 --> 00:00:25,202
And I didn't meet
her at the airport.
9
00:00:25,226 --> 00:00:28,127
I met her on an airplane.
10
00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:29,495
Ah!
11
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,274
They were showing
a G-rated film,
12
00:00:31,298 --> 00:00:34,299
but the stewardess
was strictly, definite X.
13
00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:35,412
Want a beer?
14
00:00:35,436 --> 00:00:37,269
While I'm on duty? Uh-uh.
15
00:00:37,304 --> 00:00:38,337
So you got a date
16
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:40,439
with this X-rated
stewardess, or what?
17
00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:41,918
What do you mean, "or what?"
18
00:00:41,942 --> 00:00:43,086
She loves me!
19
00:00:43,110 --> 00:00:44,187
All right, I think she likes me
20
00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:45,255
well enough to go out with me.
21
00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:46,990
Tonight, after dinner,
she'll be crazy about me.
22
00:00:47,014 --> 00:00:48,725
You want to know
what the best part is?
23
00:00:48,749 --> 00:00:51,250
Oscar, I'm 38 years old.
24
00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:54,319
Of course, I know
what the best part is.
25
00:00:54,355 --> 00:00:56,121
I mean about my life.
26
00:00:56,156 --> 00:00:58,156
This is my first weekend
I've had off in months.
27
00:00:58,191 --> 00:00:59,691
And you know the
really best part?!
28
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,827
Felix is in Washington
for the whole weekend.
29
00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:05,564
What's he doing, cleaning
up the mess down there?
30
00:01:05,599 --> 00:01:07,733
No, he's doing a magazine
layout till Monday. Come on.
31
00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:10,469
Hey, and you've got a date
with an airline stewardess?
32
00:01:10,504 --> 00:01:12,137
Now do you read me?
33
00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:13,938
Hey, like a Danish magazine.
34
00:01:13,974 --> 00:01:15,107
18 Minutes.
35
00:01:15,142 --> 00:01:16,142
Thanks again, Murray.
36
00:01:16,176 --> 00:01:17,320
Ha-ha, forget it.
37
00:01:17,344 --> 00:01:20,612
Hey! Listen, have a fun weekend.
38
00:01:20,647 --> 00:01:22,581
Don't worry, I will.
39
00:01:23,850 --> 00:01:25,383
♪ Run away on an airline ♪
40
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:27,886
♪ La-da-dee-la-da-dum ♪
41
00:01:27,922 --> 00:01:30,656
♪ La-da-dee-dee-dum-la ♪
42
00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:33,011
Oscar? ♪ La-dee-dum-da... ♪
43
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,377
Oscar?
44
00:01:48,175 --> 00:01:49,175
Felix?
45
00:01:50,210 --> 00:01:51,354
You're supposed
to be in Washington.
46
00:01:51,378 --> 00:01:53,345
I know.
47
00:01:53,380 --> 00:01:56,147
I got sick over Baltimore.
48
00:01:56,183 --> 00:01:58,550
I took the next flight back.
49
00:01:58,585 --> 00:02:02,020
Felix, don't tell me.
50
00:02:02,055 --> 00:02:04,322
It's one of those
48-hour things.
51
00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:05,924
48 hours?
52
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,660
That's a whole weekend!
53
00:03:25,472 --> 00:03:27,083
Okay, now, the
shopping's been done,
54
00:03:27,107 --> 00:03:28,518
the beds have been changed,
55
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,319
your medicine is
being delivered.
56
00:03:30,343 --> 00:03:31,309
Here's your water.
57
00:03:31,344 --> 00:03:32,889
The phone has been connected.
58
00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:34,323
Here you are, there's cards
59
00:03:34,347 --> 00:03:36,760
here are books, there's
the paper, magazines,
60
00:03:36,784 --> 00:03:37,827
everything is here.
61
00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:38,817
You're welcome. Hmm-mm.
62
00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:40,830
I hope you're feeling better.
63
00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:42,365
But don't wait up for
me, or down for me,
64
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:45,490
or whatever one does when
one is waiting flat on one's back.
65
00:03:45,525 --> 00:03:50,028
Oscar, you're not going out
and leaving me in my condition?
66
00:03:50,064 --> 00:03:51,963
I'm thinking about my condition.
67
00:03:51,998 --> 00:03:54,165
I think I'm running
a temperature.
68
00:03:54,201 --> 00:03:56,568
Ah, me, too, Felix, me, too.
69
00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:58,236
Maybe you have the flu, too.
70
00:03:58,271 --> 00:04:00,472
No, what I have, Felix,
71
00:04:00,507 --> 00:04:03,075
is a terrible desire
to touch a lady!
72
00:04:04,444 --> 00:04:06,423
And, hopefully, Barbara
has a cure for that.
73
00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:07,579
Barbara?
74
00:04:07,614 --> 00:04:09,192
Barbara Phipps, the
stewardess, remember?
75
00:04:09,216 --> 00:04:11,349
Ah, yes.
76
00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:12,395
Take it easy, Felix.
77
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,152
Oscar? Now what?
78
00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:17,054
I can't read this thing.
79
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,924
See if you can read
it for me, please.
80
00:04:25,465 --> 00:04:26,898
Hey, you are warm.
81
00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:27,899
What?
82
00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:30,568
What have I got, 102? 103?
83
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:31,836
It's not 104, is it?
84
00:04:31,871 --> 00:04:33,483
104 is fatal. It's
not that, is it?
85
00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:36,174
It's only fatal for me.
86
00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:37,608
You did it to me, huh?
87
00:04:37,644 --> 00:04:39,544
What, what? What's the matter?
88
00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:40,857
What do you mean
what's the matter?
89
00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:42,191
I can't go out and
leave you alone
90
00:04:42,215 --> 00:04:43,849
with a temperature like this.
91
00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:46,150
What about Barbara?
92
00:04:46,186 --> 00:04:50,121
Felix, don't play
devil's advocate.
93
00:04:50,157 --> 00:04:52,924
Oscar, why don't you
bring Barbara here?
94
00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:54,137
Hey, that's a
great kind of date.
95
00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:56,005
Why don't you come over and
take my friend's temperature.
96
00:04:56,029 --> 00:04:57,962
She'll never know I'm here.
97
00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:00,999
Felix, if I did that,
98
00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:03,201
would you really be quiet?
99
00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:05,403
I cross my sinuses.
100
00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:06,849
I mean, what have I got to lose?
101
00:05:06,873 --> 00:05:10,007
Oh, but, Felix, if
you mess this up...
102
00:05:17,884 --> 00:05:20,084
You know it, don't you?
103
00:05:22,289 --> 00:05:23,455
Bless you!
104
00:05:24,824 --> 00:05:27,692
Oscar, who is it?
105
00:05:27,727 --> 00:05:29,528
You'll be the first to know!
106
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:30,762
Put it on Unger's bill,
107
00:05:30,797 --> 00:05:31,974
take a half a buck for yourself.
108
00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:34,266
Oscar, who is it?
109
00:05:34,301 --> 00:05:35,400
Your medicine!
110
00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,240
Ooh, Chicken Delicious!
111
00:05:42,276 --> 00:05:44,242
Keep the rest for yourself.
112
00:05:44,278 --> 00:05:46,578
Thank you very much.
113
00:05:46,613 --> 00:05:47,912
Oscar.
114
00:05:47,947 --> 00:05:49,125
What?!
115
00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:50,248
Who was it?
116
00:05:50,284 --> 00:05:53,185
Chicken Delicious, will ya?
117
00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:55,654
You're not going to serve
118
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:58,590
Chicken Delicious for dinner?
119
00:05:58,625 --> 00:06:00,425
No, I keep it in trunks.
120
00:06:00,460 --> 00:06:02,505
I like to count the golden
pieces late at night.
121
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:04,340
What do you think
I'm going to do with it?
122
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,231
It certainly isn't
very romantic.
123
00:06:06,266 --> 00:06:07,744
Felix, food isn't romance.
124
00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:09,612
It's only an excuse for romance.
125
00:06:10,503 --> 00:06:11,581
There she is.
126
00:06:11,605 --> 00:06:13,249
Felix, if our friendship
127
00:06:13,273 --> 00:06:14,751
means anything at all to you
128
00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:16,842
keep your mouth shut.
129
00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:18,243
Don't worry.
130
00:06:18,278 --> 00:06:19,410
Okay.
131
00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:22,581
Bless you.
132
00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:30,521
Hi.
133
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:34,126
Hi there, funny face.
134
00:06:34,161 --> 00:06:37,095
How'd you like to come in
here and get caught in my web?
135
00:06:38,865 --> 00:06:41,032
Let's see what treasures lurk
136
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:42,667
beneath that pretty wrapping.
137
00:06:42,703 --> 00:06:44,614
Oscar, you don't have
to do that. Do what?
138
00:06:44,638 --> 00:06:46,238
Play those games.
139
00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:47,950
You know, like on the
plane when you asked me
140
00:06:47,974 --> 00:06:48,873
to fasten your seat belt
141
00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:50,186
while you were
still standing up.
142
00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:53,778
And when you asked me
what "occupado" meant.
143
00:06:53,813 --> 00:06:56,448
You don't have to do
corny things like that.
144
00:06:56,483 --> 00:06:57,549
I don't?
145
00:06:57,584 --> 00:07:00,085
Oscar, I'm here
because I like you.
146
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:01,219
Okay?
147
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:03,822
Oh boy, is that okay!
148
00:07:03,857 --> 00:07:04,989
Can I have your coat?
149
00:07:05,024 --> 00:07:07,725
Wow, what a groovy apartment.
150
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:08,593
Mind if I look around?
151
00:07:08,628 --> 00:07:09,628
No, go ahead.
152
00:07:16,002 --> 00:07:17,735
Stewardess!
153
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:20,472
That's a closet.
154
00:07:20,507 --> 00:07:22,106
It must be huge.
155
00:07:22,141 --> 00:07:24,375
Oh, yea... oh!
156
00:07:24,410 --> 00:07:26,055
Barbara, that perfume!
157
00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:27,323
You're doing it again.
158
00:07:27,347 --> 00:07:28,958
Sniffing your perfume?
159
00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:30,582
Playing games.
160
00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:32,784
The perfume has
nothing to do with it.
161
00:07:32,819 --> 00:07:35,386
What counts is that you're a man
162
00:07:35,421 --> 00:07:36,721
and I'm a woman.
163
00:07:37,757 --> 00:07:39,268
Oh, boy, is that what counts!
164
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,604
Barbara, you're a
really open, honest girl.
165
00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:43,272
That's right, so why
don't we both be honest?
166
00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:44,228
Yeah, right.
167
00:07:44,263 --> 00:07:46,430
Can I really be honest
with you, Barbara?
168
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:47,777
Really honest? Uh-huh.
169
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:50,046
Okay, rather than
stand here by the closet,
170
00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:52,381
I'd rather be sitting
with you on the couch.
171
00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:54,383
Is that, honest, like you
mean, you know, honest?
172
00:07:54,407 --> 00:07:56,140
Honest. Okay.
173
00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:09,921
What's the matter?
174
00:08:09,956 --> 00:08:10,855
I can't believe it.
175
00:08:10,891 --> 00:08:13,291
We haven't even had
the Chicken Delicious yet.
176
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:14,859
Oscar,
177
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:17,562
if a man and a woman
are open and honest
178
00:08:17,597 --> 00:08:20,932
with each other, they don't
need Chicken Delicious.
179
00:08:20,967 --> 00:08:23,168
Wow.
180
00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:27,138
That's just about the greatest
thing a woman ever said to me.
181
00:08:31,778 --> 00:08:33,110
What was that?
182
00:08:33,146 --> 00:08:34,579
Uh, that's a...
183
00:08:34,614 --> 00:08:37,281
Russian Wolfhound
that lives upstairs.
184
00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:39,250
Sneezing.
185
00:08:39,285 --> 00:08:41,586
Felix, quiet!
186
00:08:41,621 --> 00:08:43,388
Now you were saying,
about being honest?
187
00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:45,056
Uh...
188
00:08:45,091 --> 00:08:48,504
That two people should
be up front with each other.
189
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:49,561
Yeah, yeah, okay.
190
00:08:49,596 --> 00:08:51,062
Let's be up front.
191
00:09:06,346 --> 00:09:07,812
Felix!
192
00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:09,325
Oscar,
193
00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:12,083
are you sure that
came from up there?
194
00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:13,351
Yeah.
195
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:14,452
I'm positive.
196
00:09:14,487 --> 00:09:17,122
In the army they trained
me to locate sneezes.
197
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:21,938
Oscar,
198
00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:23,439
that didn't come from up there.
199
00:09:23,463 --> 00:09:25,474
That came from in that closet.
200
00:09:25,498 --> 00:09:26,464
Don't be silly.
201
00:09:26,499 --> 00:09:27,465
What would a Russian wolfhound
202
00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:29,366
be doing in my closet?
203
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:30,913
It sounded like it
came from in there.
204
00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:32,048
Ah, you know why it sounded?
205
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:34,371
'Cause you're flying around
a lot, your ears probably...
206
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:35,873
All right, all right.
207
00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:37,341
If it'll make you
feel any better,
208
00:09:37,376 --> 00:09:39,677
I'll check out the
closet for you.
209
00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:40,678
Excuse me.
210
00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:42,725
There's no Russian
wolfhound in there.
211
00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:44,048
It's upstairs.
212
00:09:48,888 --> 00:09:51,367
Felix, what are you doing to me?
213
00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:53,369
I was nice to you...
I did the laundry,
214
00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:54,704
the cleaning, the shopping...
215
00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:56,205
But now you won't
give me a break.
216
00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:57,895
I can't help it.
217
00:09:57,930 --> 00:09:59,230
You're not helping it.
218
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,477
You're sneezing
me into the sewer!
219
00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:04,402
She's wearing a perfume
that I'm allergic to.
220
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:06,771
My sinuses are killing me.
221
00:10:06,806 --> 00:10:08,172
I may beat them to it.
222
00:10:08,207 --> 00:10:09,574
Take an allergy pill.
223
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,542
I did. They take
a while to work.
224
00:10:11,578 --> 00:10:13,122
Take two, take a sleeping pill.
225
00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:14,690
Go to sleep, but don't snore.
226
00:10:14,714 --> 00:10:17,649
What if I have to
go to the bathroom?
227
00:10:17,684 --> 00:10:18,883
Don't.
228
00:10:23,723 --> 00:10:24,723
Hi.
229
00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:27,525
Excuse me.
230
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:28,526
Well?
231
00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:29,527
Well, what?
232
00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:31,296
What about the noise?
233
00:10:31,331 --> 00:10:32,331
What noise? Oh!
234
00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:34,165
Oh, that was the
Russian wolfhound.
235
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:35,433
It was upstairs.
236
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:37,234
Are you sure?
237
00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:38,569
Would I lie to you?
238
00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:39,570
Well...
239
00:10:39,605 --> 00:10:41,472
Look, let's go back
to being up front.
240
00:10:41,507 --> 00:10:43,708
Honest?
241
00:10:43,743 --> 00:10:45,043
Honest.
242
00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:48,713
Yeah?
243
00:10:48,748 --> 00:10:50,981
There's somebody here.
244
00:10:51,017 --> 00:10:53,951
I told you, nobody's
in the closet.
245
00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:55,653
Not, not in the closet.
246
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:57,255
In here.
247
00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:08,967
Barbara, I'd like you
to meet Felix Unger.
248
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,135
Felix, this is Barbara.
249
00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:12,737
Hi. Hi.
250
00:11:12,772 --> 00:11:15,172
Don't mind me; just
pretend I'm not here.
251
00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:17,186
Oh, I can do better than that.
252
00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:19,511
You left my medicine in here.
253
00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:21,078
I didn't want to disturb you.
254
00:11:21,114 --> 00:11:23,080
Okay. Nice to meet you.
255
00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:24,448
Felix.
256
00:11:28,454 --> 00:11:30,421
Felix, do me a favor.
257
00:11:30,456 --> 00:11:32,268
Don't commit suicide
while I'm gone.
258
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:35,126
Save some for me.
259
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,932
Oh, no.
260
00:11:44,637 --> 00:11:46,871
Barbara!
261
00:12:02,622 --> 00:12:05,990
Maybe I really
will kill him now.
262
00:12:06,026 --> 00:12:09,094
Ah, you won't kill him, you
won't even throw him out.
263
00:12:09,129 --> 00:12:11,562
You could throw him out,
but you won't throw him out,
264
00:12:11,598 --> 00:12:15,767
because you dig pain,
because you're a masochist.
265
00:12:15,802 --> 00:12:17,969
Oh, boy.
266
00:12:18,004 --> 00:12:22,340
There now, how's that?
267
00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:24,843
Let Barbara do that.
268
00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:33,852
Look at this.
269
00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:36,154
I thought you'd left.
270
00:12:36,189 --> 00:12:37,021
No!
271
00:12:37,057 --> 00:12:37,989
Ah. Thanks.
272
00:12:38,024 --> 00:12:39,423
I was in the kitchen.
273
00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:41,570
He needed water
for his medicine.
274
00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:45,063
Oscar, you weren't
honest with me about Felix.
275
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,464
You should have told me
276
00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:48,066
your roommate was in here sick.
277
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,768
Oh, he's not really sick.
278
00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:51,514
See, he's allergic
to your perfume.
279
00:12:51,538 --> 00:12:53,705
No, turns out I'm not.
280
00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:56,440
I think it must be
your new cologne...
281
00:12:58,812 --> 00:13:01,278
Oscar...
282
00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:02,814
Oscar?
283
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:06,228
Oh, now wait a minute!
284
00:13:07,253 --> 00:13:08,219
Oscar.
285
00:13:08,254 --> 00:13:09,553
I know, I know.
286
00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:11,222
Aah!
287
00:13:20,266 --> 00:13:23,801
Oscar...
288
00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:25,837
Oscar...
289
00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:35,980
Oscar.
290
00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:44,922
Oh, I'm sorry.
291
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:49,960
I didn't intend to ruin
your whole weekend.
292
00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:53,797
It's not my fault it's raining.
293
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:56,901
Felix, the rain didn't
ruin my weekend.
294
00:13:56,936 --> 00:13:59,404
It's not like a complete loss.
295
00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:03,474
You've got...
296
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:06,411
You've got another
date with Barbara tonight.
297
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:07,446
That's tonight.
298
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:10,881
Today I have you and
the rain and your coughing.
299
00:14:10,917 --> 00:14:13,584
Well, is there something
you want to do now?
300
00:14:13,619 --> 00:14:14,619
Yeah.
301
00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:17,788
But it's got to look
like an accident.
302
00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:21,403
You don't happen
to have a cigar?
303
00:14:21,427 --> 00:14:23,728
What would you have...
304
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:30,134
I thought you wanted
something to do, that's all.
305
00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:32,937
Like what?
306
00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:37,308
You could change the
paper on the kitchen shelves.
307
00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:40,144
Maybe I won't bother
making it look like an accident.
308
00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:42,914
What?
309
00:14:42,949 --> 00:14:45,261
What are you doing in there?
310
00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:49,988
I'm cleaning up!
311
00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:52,390
Want to play some gin?
312
00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:54,692
You know I don't like
to play gin with you.
313
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,638
You're always tidying
up the discard pile.
314
00:14:56,662 --> 00:14:57,795
You drive me crazy.
315
00:14:57,830 --> 00:15:00,497
Why don't you call the
fellas for a poker game?
316
00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:02,233
Because it's Sunday, that's why.
317
00:15:02,268 --> 00:15:03,667
And all the guys are married.
318
00:15:03,702 --> 00:15:05,669
And on Sunday,
when you're married,
319
00:15:05,704 --> 00:15:08,439
you're married most
of all on Sunday.
320
00:15:08,474 --> 00:15:09,751
Even if their wives
would let them
321
00:15:09,775 --> 00:15:10,975
come out and play poker
322
00:15:11,010 --> 00:15:14,445
who would be crazy enough
to come out in this rain?
323
00:15:19,718 --> 00:15:22,753
Who is that?
324
00:15:22,788 --> 00:15:24,888
Oscar! Who is it?
325
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,701
Who else? Didn't
even have to call him.
326
00:15:26,725 --> 00:15:28,737
Just started counting
out stacks of chips.
327
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,361
Hello, Speed.
328
00:15:30,396 --> 00:15:31,829
Hello, Felix.
329
00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:34,332
Are you telling me
your wife let you out?
330
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:36,934
Are you kidding? I dropped
her off at her mothers.
331
00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:39,014
She thinks I'm looking
for a place to park.
332
00:15:39,038 --> 00:15:40,605
Come on, sit down, let's play.
333
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,318
I knew I wouldn't be the first.
334
00:15:42,342 --> 00:15:43,474
Hey, look who's here!
335
00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:45,809
Who's that... Murray?
Is that you, Murray?
336
00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:47,923
No, it's not Murray!
Do I sound like Murray?
337
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,113
It's Roy!
338
00:15:49,149 --> 00:15:50,259
Roy, how'd you get out, Roy?
339
00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:52,323
Roy, never mind that,
come on, sit down, let's play.
340
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:53,017
I'm losing money.
341
00:15:53,052 --> 00:15:54,452
How is he?
342
00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:56,487
I'm afraid he'll pull through.
343
00:15:56,522 --> 00:15:58,388
Hi, men.
344
00:15:58,424 --> 00:16:01,169
Murray! What do
you say, Hey! Murray?
345
00:16:01,193 --> 00:16:02,838
Who's that? Who just came in?
346
00:16:02,862 --> 00:16:04,006
Murray just came in!
347
00:16:04,030 --> 00:16:05,229
Man, all this yelling.
348
00:16:05,264 --> 00:16:07,142
It's like I stayed with
my wife and her mother.
349
00:16:07,166 --> 00:16:08,532
Hi, Felix! How are you?
350
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:11,102
Hi, Murray... terrible.
351
00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:13,771
Hey, Murray... what
are you doing here?
352
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,639
You're supposed to be on duty.
353
00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:17,775
Yeah, I'm still on
duty... This is a raid.
354
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:19,877
Will you sit down...
No, I'm serious.
355
00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:22,113
Listen, you call me
up for a poker game
356
00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:23,581
while I'm on duty, right?
357
00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:26,417
I got to tell the sergeant
something to get away.
358
00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:28,486
All right, look.
We've got four men.
359
00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:30,555
We've got poker
chips, we got cards.
360
00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:31,656
It's obvious.
361
00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:33,691
We're all here
visiting a sick friend.
362
00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:37,461
Well, so much for duty.
363
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,475
I think it's a great idea to
have an impromptu game
364
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:40,565
on a Sunday.
365
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,800
I think it's a great
idea any day.
366
00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:45,804
What was that?
367
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:48,505
That is a Russian
wolfhound who lives upstairs.
368
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:50,407
Listen to me, talking about...
369
00:16:50,442 --> 00:16:51,608
I still believe it.
370
00:16:51,644 --> 00:16:52,677
It's Felix.
371
00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:54,045
Gesundheit, Felix!
372
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:55,780
Oscar...
373
00:16:55,815 --> 00:16:57,993
What happened with the airline
stewardess last night, huh?
374
00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:01,285
Please, Murray... but she
just called a little while ago.
375
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:02,486
Hey, who can open, huh?
376
00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:03,721
She called you?
377
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:05,022
To find out how he was.
378
00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:07,102
But I convinced her to
have dinner with me tonight.
379
00:17:07,126 --> 00:17:08,136
Murray, can you open?
380
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:09,271
Who can open, huh?
381
00:17:09,295 --> 00:17:11,473
Speed, nobody can open
382
00:17:11,497 --> 00:17:15,137
because you didn't
deal out the cards yet.
383
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,835
Ante up.
384
00:17:18,838 --> 00:17:23,440
Fellas... Fellas!
385
00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:24,942
Hold it, hold it.
386
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:26,577
What is it, Felix?
387
00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:29,447
Could you play a little louder?
388
00:17:29,482 --> 00:17:31,048
If I can hear you
389
00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:32,694
it's almost like
I'm playing, too.
390
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:36,587
Oh, gee... I think that's sad.
391
00:17:36,623 --> 00:17:38,533
It's disgusting...
but play louder.
392
00:17:38,557 --> 00:17:41,158
Does the whole neighborhood
have to know I'm losing?
393
00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:42,194
Who's it up to?
394
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:43,327
Louder, Speed.
395
00:17:43,362 --> 00:17:45,329
Who's it up to?!
396
00:17:45,364 --> 00:17:46,530
How's that, Felix?!
397
00:17:46,565 --> 00:17:48,332
Fine.
398
00:17:48,367 --> 00:17:49,666
I bet half a dollar!
399
00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:52,737
I'm out!
400
00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:55,072
Wouldn't you know it... I'm out!
401
00:17:55,108 --> 00:17:57,608
I'm out, too!
402
00:17:57,643 --> 00:17:59,110
I see you
403
00:17:59,145 --> 00:18:00,555
and I raise you half a dollar!
404
00:18:00,579 --> 00:18:03,225
There's mine, and
that's my bet, too!
405
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:05,149
Who raised?
406
00:18:05,184 --> 00:18:06,250
I did!
407
00:18:06,285 --> 00:18:07,529
I'm seeing you!
408
00:18:07,553 --> 00:18:09,553
Aces and fours!
409
00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:11,955
No good! Three sixes!
410
00:18:11,991 --> 00:18:13,657
Oh!
411
00:18:13,692 --> 00:18:14,992
Fellas!
412
00:18:15,027 --> 00:18:16,305
Now what?
413
00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:18,673
I hate to be a bother, but...
414
00:18:18,697 --> 00:18:21,698
could you identify
yourselves by name
415
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:23,334
when you make a play?
416
00:18:23,369 --> 00:18:27,738
This is Speed... going home!
417
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:28,572
Oh, sit down.
418
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,252
All this yelling, man.
419
00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:31,242
Listen, if I wanted to yodel
420
00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:33,122
I'd spend Sunday
afternoon in Switzerland.
421
00:18:33,146 --> 00:18:34,978
Yeah, Speed is right.
422
00:18:35,014 --> 00:18:37,047
I'm getting hoarse!
423
00:18:37,083 --> 00:18:41,085
I mean, I never yelled at
anyone in my whole life!
424
00:18:41,121 --> 00:18:42,386
Forget the yelling.
425
00:18:42,422 --> 00:18:44,188
Yeah! But what about...!
426
00:18:44,224 --> 00:18:45,823
I mean what about Felix?
427
00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:47,903
Fellas, come here.
428
00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:49,760
I got an idea. Look...
429
00:18:55,068 --> 00:18:56,700
Is everybody in?
430
00:18:56,735 --> 00:18:57,901
Hold it, hold it.
431
00:18:57,937 --> 00:18:59,977
Come on, now who
anteed a seltzer tablet?
432
00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:04,442
No wonder it didn't fizz.
433
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:07,411
He put a poker
chip in his glass.
434
00:19:07,447 --> 00:19:09,680
But it stopped my headache.
435
00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:10,759
I'm playing poker...
436
00:19:10,783 --> 00:19:13,284
They're making headache
commercials, come on!
437
00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:14,718
I bet half a dollar.
438
00:19:14,753 --> 00:19:16,332
You I didn't have to hear from.
439
00:19:16,356 --> 00:19:17,488
I'm out.
440
00:19:17,523 --> 00:19:20,424
Wow, look at that Oscar.
441
00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:21,537
How much you ahead?
442
00:19:21,561 --> 00:19:24,294
For once I ain't counting,
Copper. It's a jinx.
443
00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:25,363
I'm out.
444
00:19:25,398 --> 00:19:26,497
I'm out.
445
00:19:26,532 --> 00:19:27,498
I'm out.
446
00:19:27,533 --> 00:19:29,467
You want any cards?
447
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:33,136
No, I'll play these
little lovelies right here.
448
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,150
All right, give me two cards
449
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:36,785
and I'll check to Mr. Lucky.
450
00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:38,242
Here's a dollar's bet.
451
00:19:39,579 --> 00:19:40,911
What's the matter?
452
00:19:40,946 --> 00:19:42,624
My foot. What's the
matter with your foot?
453
00:19:42,648 --> 00:19:43,681
Got a cramp in it.
454
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:44,859
All right, hold
it just a second.
455
00:19:44,883 --> 00:19:46,027
Somebody's got
a cramp, let's go.
456
00:19:46,051 --> 00:19:47,618
Here, I'll massage it.
457
00:19:47,653 --> 00:19:48,830
Hold on a second.
458
00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:51,288
Come on, the man's
got a bad foot here.
459
00:19:51,324 --> 00:19:53,056
Here, bite on a poker chip.
460
00:19:53,092 --> 00:19:54,491
Will you hurry up and bet?
461
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,360
The guy's got a bad leg!
462
00:19:56,395 --> 00:19:57,762
Will you... wait!
463
00:19:57,797 --> 00:19:58,797
No... Felix!
464
00:20:12,912 --> 00:20:15,112
Oscar... oh.
465
00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:19,850
Oh... what can I say?
466
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:21,663
I didn't mean to
spoil your weekend.
467
00:20:21,687 --> 00:20:23,220
You didn't spoil
my weekend, Felix.
468
00:20:23,255 --> 00:20:24,722
You destroyed it.
469
00:20:24,757 --> 00:20:25,890
There's a difference.
470
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:28,926
Well, the weekend
isn't over yet.
471
00:20:28,961 --> 00:20:31,239
Yeah, and I'm going to make
the best of the last few hours.
472
00:20:31,263 --> 00:20:34,164
I'm taking Barbara to
dinner at the Gypsy Trader.
473
00:20:34,199 --> 00:20:35,900
So please, if anything
should happen
474
00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:38,636
don't call me and
don't wait up for me.
475
00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:40,237
Oscar... No!
476
00:20:40,272 --> 00:20:41,204
Oscar, listen to me.
477
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,773
I know I exaggerate.
478
00:20:42,809 --> 00:20:44,074
I am a hypochondriac.
479
00:20:44,109 --> 00:20:45,609
But if anything should...
480
00:20:45,645 --> 00:20:47,711
No, I'm not staying home, Felix.
481
00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:49,212
I don't want you to.
482
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,582
All I'm saying is, if
you should come back
483
00:20:51,617 --> 00:20:53,350
and I should be...
484
00:20:56,889 --> 00:20:59,957
Well, will you at least see
that I get a decent funeral?
485
00:20:59,992 --> 00:21:01,737
What kind of a
thing is that to say?
486
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:04,361
Well, you've got this habit
of letting everything lie
487
00:21:04,396 --> 00:21:06,430
right where it falls.
488
00:21:26,418 --> 00:21:27,696
Hey, they're great...
489
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:29,086
Penny for your thoughts.
490
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:32,222
Did you make sure he took
his medicine before you left?
491
00:21:32,257 --> 00:21:33,301
Give me back my penny.
492
00:21:33,325 --> 00:21:35,793
Oh, Oscar, you know he's
that helpless kind of person
493
00:21:35,828 --> 00:21:37,227
you can't get out of your mind.
494
00:21:37,262 --> 00:21:38,306
Your mind and my life.
495
00:21:38,330 --> 00:21:39,663
What was his temperature...?
496
00:21:39,699 --> 00:21:41,209
I don't want to
talk about Felix.
497
00:21:41,233 --> 00:21:42,265
Did he eat any dinner?
498
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:43,812
Look, I'll tell
you what I'll do.
499
00:21:43,836 --> 00:21:46,670
I'll make a phone call to
Felix. I'll get get a full report.
500
00:21:46,706 --> 00:21:48,416
Either we'll rush
him to the hospital
501
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:50,418
or we'll forget about
him and relax, okay?
502
00:21:50,442 --> 00:21:51,642
That's sweet.
503
00:21:51,677 --> 00:21:53,644
Yeah, I'm a very sweet man.
504
00:21:58,684 --> 00:21:59,684
Sascha, come here.
505
00:21:59,719 --> 00:22:01,819
Listen, with dinner
I want champagne.
506
00:22:01,854 --> 00:22:03,420
Get the violins over there.
507
00:22:03,455 --> 00:22:04,989
Very romantic, you got it?
508
00:22:13,032 --> 00:22:14,164
Felix?
509
00:22:14,199 --> 00:22:16,000
You're feeling better!
510
00:22:16,035 --> 00:22:18,201
Good, I'll tell her! Yeah!
511
00:22:32,852 --> 00:22:33,852
Hi.
512
00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:36,464
Where's Barbara?
513
00:22:36,488 --> 00:22:38,956
On her way to
Kennedy International.
514
00:22:38,991 --> 00:22:41,191
Her airline called,
they had our number.
515
00:22:41,226 --> 00:22:42,593
It was an emergency.
516
00:22:42,628 --> 00:22:44,095
I tried to call here,
517
00:22:44,130 --> 00:22:46,730
but the phone was out of order.
518
00:22:46,766 --> 00:22:50,167
It took me ten
minutes in this rain
519
00:22:50,202 --> 00:22:51,502
with my cold,
520
00:22:51,537 --> 00:22:54,672
to get a cab, for three dollars
521
00:22:54,707 --> 00:22:56,006
to come here.
522
00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:57,241
She was so grateful
523
00:22:57,276 --> 00:22:59,377
for all the trouble
I went through
524
00:22:59,412 --> 00:23:01,111
to get the message to her.
525
00:23:01,146 --> 00:23:02,779
You shouldn't have, Felix.
526
00:23:02,814 --> 00:23:04,180
Oh, it's all right.
527
00:23:04,216 --> 00:23:05,315
My fever broke.
528
00:23:05,350 --> 00:23:07,518
I'm beginning to feel better.
529
00:23:07,553 --> 00:23:10,721
No, I don't mean
"You shouldn't have."
530
00:23:10,756 --> 00:23:13,056
I mean you shouldn't have!
531
00:23:50,429 --> 00:23:53,664
I think you'll find
this amusing.
532
00:24:00,806 --> 00:24:02,439
Oscar.
533
00:24:02,475 --> 00:24:04,108
Hi, Felix.
534
00:24:04,143 --> 00:24:06,176
Mary Ann Black,
this is Oscar Madison.
535
00:24:06,212 --> 00:24:07,822
Oscar Madison, Mary Ann Black.
536
00:24:07,846 --> 00:24:09,113
Nice meeting you.
537
00:24:09,148 --> 00:24:10,581
Hello.
538
00:24:10,616 --> 00:24:13,217
I thought you weren't
coming back till later.
539
00:24:13,252 --> 00:24:15,652
I wasn't, but I think
I caught your bug.
540
00:24:16,922 --> 00:24:18,589
Oh, no, oh, no... Yes, I...
541
00:24:18,624 --> 00:24:20,669
Well, there's only one
thing for it... hot tea.
542
00:24:20,693 --> 00:24:22,871
Come on, into the kitchen.
What can I say, Mary Ann?
543
00:24:22,895 --> 00:24:24,339
Oscar's sick.
Don't worry, Felix.
544
00:24:24,363 --> 00:24:25,729
I understand.
545
00:24:25,765 --> 00:24:27,731
Felix... I'm sorry, Mary Ann.
546
00:24:27,767 --> 00:24:28,943
Come on, into the kitchen. Move!
547
00:24:28,967 --> 00:24:30,812
You're sending her home?
Well, somebody's got to
548
00:24:30,836 --> 00:24:32,781
take care of you. You don't
have enough sense to...
549
00:24:32,805 --> 00:24:34,249
No, I'm sorry,
Felix, it's just a gag.
550
00:24:34,273 --> 00:24:36,339
See, I'm not sick,
it's a bad joke.
551
00:24:36,375 --> 00:24:37,842
You know the trouble with you?
552
00:24:37,877 --> 00:24:40,177
You don't give a guy a
chance to get revenge.
553
00:24:40,212 --> 00:24:42,145
I'm sorry, look, go
back to your date.
554
00:24:42,181 --> 00:24:43,113
Have a good time.
555
00:24:43,148 --> 00:24:45,060
I'm sorry, I'm not sick.
It's nice meeting you.
556
00:24:45,084 --> 00:24:46,495
I'm going to catch
a movie, okay?
557
00:24:46,519 --> 00:24:47,852
I don't have a cold, I'm sorry.
558
00:24:47,887 --> 00:24:49,854
Oscar! What?
559
00:24:49,889 --> 00:24:51,088
Button your coat.
560
00:24:55,561 --> 00:24:57,461
Sit down, my dear.
37596
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