Original subtitles

18 minutes from Kennedy International Airport to here.

Wow, I can't thank you enough, Murray.

I think my next car is gonna be a police car.

What are you waiting for, a tip?

You can put down the bags.

I want to hear more about that girl

you met at the airport, you know? I'll tell you.

And I didn't meet her at the airport.

I met her on an airplane.

Ah!

They were showing a G-rated film,

but the stewardess was strictly, definite X.

Want a beer?

While I'm on duty? Uh-uh.

So you got a date

with this X-rated stewardess, or what?

What do you mean, "or what?"

She loves me!

All right, I think she likes me

well enough to go out with me.

Tonight, after dinner, she'll be crazy about me.

You want to know what the best part is?

Oscar, I'm 38 years old.

Of course, I know what the best part is.

I mean about my life.

This is my first weekend I've had off in months.

And you know the really best part?!

Felix is in Washington for the whole weekend.

What's he doing, cleaning up the mess down there?

No, he's doing a magazine layout till Monday. Come on.

Hey, and you've got a date with an airline stewardess?

Now do you read me?

Hey, like a Danish magazine.

18 Minutes.

Thanks again, Murray.

Ha-ha, forget it.

Hey! Listen, have a fun weekend.

Don't worry, I will.

♪ Run away on an airline ♪

♪ La-da-dee-la-da-dum ♪

♪ La-da-dee-dee-dum-la ♪

Oscar? ♪ La-dee-dum-da... ♪

Oscar?

Felix?

You're supposed to be in Washington.

I know.

I got sick over Baltimore.

I took the next flight back.

Felix, don't tell me.

It's one of those 48-hour things.

48 hours?

That's a whole weekend!

Okay, now, the shopping's been done,

the beds have been changed,

your medicine is being delivered.

Here's your water.

The phone has been connected.

Here you are, there's cards

here are books, there's the paper, magazines,

everything is here.

You're welcome. Hmm-mm.

I hope you're feeling better.

But don't wait up for me, or down for me,

or whatever one does when one is waiting flat on one's back.

Oscar, you're not going out and leaving me in my condition?

I'm thinking about my condition.

I think I'm running a temperature.

Ah, me, too, Felix, me, too.

Maybe you have the flu, too.

No, what I have, Felix,

is a terrible desire to touch a lady!

And, hopefully, Barbara has a cure for that.

Barbara?

Barbara Phipps, the stewardess, remember?

Ah, yes.

Take it easy, Felix.

Oscar? Now what?

I can't read this thing.

See if you can read it for me, please.

Hey, you are warm.

What?

What have I got, 102? 103?

It's not 104, is it?

104 is fatal. It's not that, is it?

It's only fatal for me.

You did it to me, huh?

What, what? What's the matter?

What do you mean what's the matter?

I can't go out and leave you alone

with a temperature like this.

What about Barbara?

Felix, don't play devil's advocate.

Oscar, why don't you bring Barbara here?

Hey, that's a great kind of date.

Why don't you come over and take my friend's temperature.

She'll never know I'm here.

Felix, if I did that,

would you really be quiet?

I cross my sinuses.

I mean, what have I got to lose?

Oh, but, Felix, if you mess this up...

You know it, don't you?

Bless you!

Oscar, who is it?

You'll be the first to know!

Put it on Unger's bill,

take a half a buck for yourself.

Oscar, who is it?

Your medicine!

Ooh, Chicken Delicious!

Keep the rest for yourself.

Thank you very much.

Oscar.

What?!

Who was it?

Chicken Delicious, will ya?

You're not going to serve

Chicken Delicious for dinner?

No, I keep it in trunks.

I like to count the golden pieces late at night.

What do you think I'm going to do with it?

It certainly isn't very romantic.

Felix, food isn't romance.

It's only an excuse for romance.

There she is.

Felix, if our friendship

means anything at all to you

keep your mouth shut.

Don't worry.

Okay.

Bless you.

Hi.

Hi there, funny face.

How'd you like to come in here and get caught in my web?

Let's see what treasures lurk

beneath that pretty wrapping.

Oscar, you don't have to do that. Do what?

Play those games.

You know, like on the plane when you asked me

to fasten your seat belt

while you were still standing up.

And when you asked me what "occupado" meant.

You don't have to do corny things like that.

I don't?

Oscar, I'm here because I like you.

Okay?

Oh boy, is that okay!

Can I have your coat?

Wow, what a groovy apartment.

Mind if I look around?

No, go ahead.

Stewardess!

That's a closet.

It must be huge.

Oh, yea... oh!

Barbara, that perfume!

You're doing it again.

Sniffing your perfume?

Playing games.

The perfume has nothing to do with it.

What counts is that you're a man

and I'm a woman.

Oh, boy, is that what counts!

Barbara, you're a really open, honest girl.

That's right, so why don't we both be honest?

Yeah, right.

Can I really be honest with you, Barbara?

Really honest? Uh-huh.

Okay, rather than stand here by the closet,

I'd rather be sitting with you on the couch.

Is that, honest, like you mean, you know, honest?

Honest. Okay.

What's the matter?

I can't believe it.

We haven't even had the Chicken Delicious yet.

Oscar,

if a man and a woman are open and honest

with each other, they don't need Chicken Delicious.

Wow.

That's just about the greatest thing a woman ever said to me.

What was that?

Uh, that's a...

Russian Wolfhound that lives upstairs.

Sneezing.

Felix, quiet!

Now you were saying, about being honest?

Uh...

That two people should be up front with each other.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Let's be up front.

Felix!

Oscar,

are you sure that came from up there?

Yeah.

I'm positive.

In the army they trained me to locate sneezes.

Oscar,

that didn't come from up there.

That came from in that closet.

Don't be silly.

What would a Russian wolfhound

be doing in my closet?

It sounded like it came from in there.

Ah, you know why it sounded?

'Cause you're flying around a lot, your ears probably...

All right, all right.

If it'll make you feel any better,

I'll check out the closet for you.

Excuse me.

There's no Russian wolfhound in there.

It's upstairs.

Felix, what are you doing to me?

I was nice to you... I did the laundry,

the cleaning, the shopping...

But now you won't give me a break.

I can't help it.

You're not helping it.

You're sneezing me into the sewer!

She's wearing a perfume that I'm allergic to.

My sinuses are killing me.

I may beat them to it.

Take an allergy pill.

I did. They take a while to work.

Take two, take a sleeping pill.

Go to sleep, but don't snore.

What if I have to go to the bathroom?

Don't.

Hi.

Excuse me.

Well?

Well, what?

What about the noise?

What noise? Oh!

Oh, that was the Russian wolfhound.

It was upstairs.

Are you sure?

Would I lie to you?

Well...

Look, let's go back to being up front.

Honest?

Honest.

Yeah?

There's somebody here.

I told you, nobody's in the closet.

Not, not in the closet.

In here.

Barbara, I'd like you to meet Felix Unger.

Felix, this is Barbara.

Hi. Hi.

Don't mind me; just pretend I'm not here.

Oh, I can do better than that.

You left my medicine in here.

I didn't want to disturb you.

Okay. Nice to meet you.

Felix.

Felix, do me a favor.

Don't commit suicide while I'm gone.

Save some for me.

Oh, no.

Barbara!

Maybe I really will kill him now.

Ah, you won't kill him, you won't even throw him out.

You could throw him out, but you won't throw him out,

because you dig pain, because you're a masochist.

Oh, boy.

There now, how's that?

Let Barbara do that.

Look at this.

I thought you'd left.

No!

Ah. Thanks.

I was in the kitchen.

He needed water for his medicine.

Oscar, you weren't honest with me about Felix.

You should have told me

your roommate was in here sick.

Oh, he's not really sick.

See, he's allergic to your perfume.

No, turns out I'm not.

I think it must be your new cologne...

Oscar...

Oscar?

Oh, now wait a minute!

Oscar.

I know, I know.

Aah!

Oscar...

Oscar...

Oscar.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't intend to ruin your whole weekend.

It's not my fault it's raining.

Felix, the rain didn't ruin my weekend.

It's not like a complete loss.

You've got...

You've got another date with Barbara tonight.

That's tonight.

Today I have you and the rain and your coughing.

Well, is there something you want to do now?

Yeah.

But it's got to look like an accident.

You don't happen to have a cigar?

What would you have...

I thought you wanted something to do, that's all.

Like what?

You could change the paper on the kitchen shelves.

Maybe I won't bother making it look like an accident.

What?

What are you doing in there?

I'm cleaning up!

Want to play some gin?

You know I don't like to play gin with you.

You're always tidying up the discard pile.

You drive me crazy.

Why don't you call the fellas for a poker game?

Because it's Sunday, that's why.

And all the guys are married.

And on Sunday, when you're married,

you're married most of all on Sunday.

Even if their wives would let them

come out and play poker

who would be crazy enough to come out in this rain?

Who is that?

Oscar! Who is it?

Who else? Didn't even have to call him.

Just started counting out stacks of chips.

Hello, Speed.

Hello, Felix.

Are you telling me your wife let you out?

Are you kidding? I dropped her off at her mothers.

She thinks I'm looking for a place to park.

Come on, sit down, let's play.

I knew I wouldn't be the first.

Hey, look who's here!

Who's that... Murray? Is that you, Murray?

No, it's not Murray! Do I sound like Murray?

It's Roy!

Roy, how'd you get out, Roy?

Roy, never mind that, come on, sit down, let's play.

I'm losing money.

How is he?

I'm afraid he'll pull through.

Hi, men.

Murray! What do you say, Hey! Murray?

Who's that? Who just came in?

Murray just came in!

Man, all this yelling.

It's like I stayed with my wife and her mother.

Hi, Felix! How are you?

Hi, Murray... terrible.

Hey, Murray... what are you doing here?

You're supposed to be on duty.

Yeah, I'm still on duty... This is a raid.

Will you sit down... No, I'm serious.

Listen, you call me up for a poker game

while I'm on duty, right?

I got to tell the sergeant something to get away.

All right, look. We've got four men.

We've got poker chips, we got cards.

It's obvious.

We're all here visiting a sick friend.

Well, so much for duty.

I think it's a great idea to have an impromptu game

on a Sunday.

I think it's a great idea any day.

What was that?

That is a Russian wolfhound who lives upstairs.

Listen to me, talking about...

I still believe it.

It's Felix.

Gesundheit, Felix!

Oscar...

What happened with the airline stewardess last night, huh?

Please, Murray... but she just called a little while ago.

Hey, who can open, huh?

She called you?

To find out how he was.

But I convinced her to have dinner with me tonight.

Murray, can you open?

Who can open, huh?

Speed, nobody can open

because you didn't deal out the cards yet.

Ante up.

Fellas... Fellas!

Hold it, hold it.

What is it, Felix?

Could you play a little louder?

If I can hear you

it's almost like I'm playing, too.

Oh, gee... I think that's sad.

It's disgusting... but play louder.

Does the whole neighborhood have to know I'm losing?

Who's it up to?

Louder, Speed.

Who's it up to?!

How's that, Felix?!

Fine.

I bet half a dollar!

I'm out!

Wouldn't you know it... I'm out!

I'm out, too!

I see you

and I raise you half a dollar!

There's mine, and that's my bet, too!

Who raised?

I did!

I'm seeing you!

Aces and fours!

No good! Three sixes!

Oh!

Fellas!

Now what?

I hate to be a bother, but...

could you identify yourselves by name

when you make a play?

This is Speed... going home!

Oh, sit down.

All this yelling, man.

Listen, if I wanted to yodel

I'd spend Sunday afternoon in Switzerland.

Yeah, Speed is right.

I'm getting hoarse!

I mean, I never yelled at anyone in my whole life!

Forget the yelling.

Yeah! But what about...!

I mean what about Felix?

Fellas, come here.

I got an idea. Look...

Is everybody in?

Hold it, hold it.

Come on, now who anteed a seltzer tablet?

No wonder it didn't fizz.

He put a poker chip in his glass.

But it stopped my headache.

I'm playing poker...

They're making headache commercials, come on!

I bet half a dollar.

You I didn't have to hear from.

I'm out.

Wow, look at that Oscar.

How much you ahead?

For once I ain't counting, Copper. It's a jinx.

I'm out.

I'm out.

I'm out.

You want any cards?

No, I'll play these little lovelies right here.

All right, give me two cards

and I'll check to Mr. Lucky.

Here's a dollar's bet.

What's the matter?

My foot. What's the matter with your foot?

Got a cramp in it.

All right, hold it just a second.

Somebody's got a cramp, let's go.

Here, I'll massage it.

Hold on a second.

Come on, the man's got a bad foot here.

Here, bite on a poker chip.

Will you hurry up and bet?

The guy's got a bad leg!

Will you... wait!

No... Felix!

Oscar... oh.

Oh... what can I say?

I didn't mean to spoil your weekend.

You didn't spoil my weekend, Felix.

You destroyed it.

There's a difference.

Well, the weekend isn't over yet.

Yeah, and I'm going to make the best of the last few hours.

I'm taking Barbara to dinner at the Gypsy Trader.

So please, if anything should happen

don't call me and don't wait up for me.

Oscar... No!

Oscar, listen to me.

I know I exaggerate.

I am a hypochondriac.

But if anything should...

No, I'm not staying home, Felix.

I don't want you to.

All I'm saying is, if you should come back

and I should be...

Well, will you at least see that I get a decent funeral?

What kind of a thing is that to say?

Well, you've got this habit of letting everything lie

right where it falls.

Hey, they're great...

Penny for your thoughts.

Did you make sure he took his medicine before you left?

Give me back my penny.

Oh, Oscar, you know he's that helpless kind of person

you can't get out of your mind.

Your mind and my life.

What was his temperature...?

I don't want to talk about Felix.

Did he eat any dinner?

Look, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll make a phone call to Felix. I'll get get a full report.

Either we'll rush him to the hospital

or we'll forget about him and relax, okay?

That's sweet.

Yeah, I'm a very sweet man.

Sascha, come here.

Listen, with dinner I want champagne.

Get the violins over there.

Very romantic, you got it?

Felix?

You're feeling better!

Good, I'll tell her! Yeah!

Hi.

Where's Barbara?

On her way to Kennedy International.

Her airline called, they had our number.

It was an emergency.

I tried to call here,

but the phone was out of order.

It took me ten minutes in this rain

with my cold,

to get a cab, for three dollars

to come here.

She was so grateful

for all the trouble I went through

to get the message to her.

You shouldn't have, Felix.

Oh, it's all right.

My fever broke.

I'm beginning to feel better.

No, I don't mean "You shouldn't have."

I mean you shouldn't have!

I think you'll find this amusing.

Oscar.

Hi, Felix.

Mary Ann Black, this is Oscar Madison.

Oscar Madison, Mary Ann Black.

Nice meeting you.

Hello.

I thought you weren't coming back till later.

I wasn't, but I think I caught your bug.

Oh, no, oh, no... Yes, I...

Well, there's only one thing for it... hot tea.

Come on, into the kitchen. What can I say, Mary Ann?

Oscar's sick. Don't worry, Felix.

I understand.

Felix... I'm sorry, Mary Ann.

Come on, into the kitchen. Move!

You're sending her home? Well, somebody's got to

take care of you. You don't have enough sense to...

No, I'm sorry, Felix, it's just a gag.

See, I'm not sick, it's a bad joke.

You know the trouble with you?

You don't give a guy a chance to get revenge.

I'm sorry, look, go back to your date.

Have a good time.

I'm sorry, I'm not sick. It's nice meeting you.

I'm going to catch a movie, okay?

I don't have a cold, I'm sorry.

Oscar! What?

Button your coat.

Sit down, my dear.