Original subtitles

What time will you be home for dinner?

I don't know.

Man, it's hot.

Really? I'm kind of chilly.

About dinner... What's so important

about what time I come home for dinner?

You know, tonight I'm preparing Beef Wellington.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'd like you home by 7:00.

Okay, I'll be home around 7:00.

Not "around," at 7:00.

I've been planning this meal for a week.

Beef Wellington isn't something you just throw together.

All right, Felix, I promise, at 7:00, you'll see me

sitting at the dinner table

with a knife and fork in my hand.

Hello. Mr. Oscar Madison, please.

When did he leave?

Did he say anything to you before he left?

Besides "good night."

Well, he could have said something.

I know you've got your work to do, but this is important.

Did he happen to say anything about Beef Wellington?

Oscar?

Yeah?

Where have you been?

My dinner's ruined.

Felix, will you leave me alone?

Oscar, how many times do I have to tell you?

The closet is for coats, the floor is for feet.

Hmm?

If you think I'm going to pick this up...

Oh, Felix, will you bug off?!

Bug off?

Oh, that's nice talk.

"Felix, bug off."

You know, the trouble with you

is that you can't face up to your own faults.

Oscar, we've got to talk this thing out.

Oscar?

Oscar, I'm trying to communicate with you.

Something I've done?

What have I done?

Because I cleaned those sandwhiches

out from under your bed?

Oscar.

Tell me what happened.

What does it look like happened?

I think you've been fighting.

Well, I haven't been fighting.

The guy who hit me was fighting.

I was on the ground groaning.

You were in a common street brawl?

I was not in a street brawl,

it was in a bar.

Now will you leave me alone?

Don't I have a right to know?

My eye and Splint McCullough's fist had a collision

at the Sports Page Bar and Grill.

Splint McCullough... the hockey player?

No, Splint McCullough the doily maker.

Oh, make fun of me, Oscar,

because I don't understand anything about hockey.

But I remember that his name was in your column.

Hmm... Well, he's one of those

rough and tough hockey players.

He's been around forever.

He spends half his life in the penalty box

because he keeps hitting the other players

over the head with his stick.

Do you understand that much? Yes.

Well, Felix, I am going to bury him

with these two hands... Oh, Oscar.

In my column.

I'm gonna write an expose on Splint McCullough

that's gonna make him wish

he had gone into figure skating.

Oscar, you can't do that That's unprofessional.

That's yellow journalism.

No, no, Felix, that's revenge journalism.

Revenge is wrong.

Wrong, maybe, but oh, so sweet.

If you write an inflammatory column

he'll only hit you again.

And then you'll write another inflammatory column

and again he'll hit you, and that's the way wars begin.

Don't worry, Felix, if that happens,

I'll see you make it safely to Canada.

Oh, that's funny.

You think it's right to crucify a man

if he hits you fair and square?

Whose side are you on?

A big, professional hockey player

hits a little writer... you call that fair and square?

That's not the point. Felix.

Now, I may not be able to handle Splint McCullough,

but you I'm not too worried about, so leave me alone.

"The rumors keep flying that Splint McCullough

"will be shipped down to the minors.

"One of his teammates summed it up best:

"'McCullough couldn't score a goal

if his grandmother was guarding the net.'"

"The only time Splint McCullough

feels comfortable with ice is when it's in his booze."

Excuse me.

Do you know if Splint McCullough is still here?

Right over there.

You should use coasters.

Excuse me, are you Splint McCullough?

Yup, you a fan?

Here's an autographed puck.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

May I talk to you for a minute?

If it'll give you a thrill.

I'm a friend of Oscar Madison's.

He a fan, too?

No, no, he's the gentleman you hit.

Oh, the sportswriter, huh?

Who are you?

I'm Felix Unger.

I'm a good friend of Mr. Madison's

and I was wondering

if you could tell me in your own words

exactly what happened.

I hit him in the eye, that's what happened.

Yeah, I know, but why?

We were sitting here talking,

drinking, having a good time

and your buddy made a pass at Irma.

Who's Irma?

I'm Irma, hi.

Hi, pleased to meet you.

Ooh, likewise.

Normally I'm an easygoing guy.

I don't get mad because they make me sit

in the penalty box most of the time,

I don't even get mad

because they don't ask me to do any TV commercials,

but I do get mad when somebody

messes around with my girl.

I can understand that,

but don't you feel that two grown men...

Madison said he was gonna get me.

What are you, the revenge?

Me? Oh, no.

'Cause if you are, we can step out the back

and straighten it out right now.

I may be many things, but I'm not a street brawler.

Well, that ain't no street out there, that's an alley.

I have no quarrel with you, and if I did

I certainly wouldn't settle it in an alley.

Splinty?

As long as you're up

how about getting me a beer?

Sure, honey. What would you like?

A big head or a little head?

Surprise me.

You know, I just feel terrible.

This whole thing that happened... my fault.

You see, sometimes Splint

doesn't pay enough attention to me.

So I have to do... stuff

to make him take notice.

I figured your friend Oscar could make Splint jealous,

so then he'd pay more attention to me.

See?

Why, that's horrible.

The first lesson you learn in a relationship is honesty.

I'm surprised at you.

You are?

Yes.

You're a lady.

All any lady has to do

is be her feminine self.

No man can resist that.

You really think I'm a lady?

Yes.

You are a beautiful person.

All right, buddy, that did it.

I was just telling her...

You weren't telling, you were kissing.

Madison only touched, but you kissed.

She was kissing me.

It was a "thank you" kiss. Out the back...

Madison already softened the ground for you.

I'm not going out in the back with you.

What, are you chicken?

He's not a chicken, he's a very beautiful person.

Anybody don't go out back is a chicken.

That's a stupid assumption.

You're calling me stupid, huh?

I'm calling your assumption stupid.

What's an assumption?

Look, I didn't come in here to fight.

Well, that's the way you're going out.

Don't you shove me!

Are you going to go out the back

or do I punch you out here?

Now you've done it.

I haven't done nothing yet.

You broke my watch crystal and you're going to pay for it.

That'll be four dollars.

What are you talking about?

It would be $8.00 new but I've had it for a year.

Besides, I got it wholesale.

Got this friend in the crystal business...

Will you quit stalling and get out the back?

All right, I'll fight you,

but I'll fight you in a civilized way.

All right, I promise

not to hit you with any garbage cans.

I mean in a proper, prizefighting ring.

A what?

A ring with a mat and ropes and rounds,

the way gentlemen beat each other up.

Well, that's fine with me.

But, Splinty, he didn't mean...

You stay out of this, Irma.

Fine, you get a pair of gloves

and you meet me tomorrow afternoon

at Feldman's Gym at 3:00.

I'll be there.

Excuse me.

Hiya, Felix.

Hey, have some unbaked Alaska.

No, thank you.

I hope you finished your hate article on Mr. McCullough.

No, I got as far as calling Peggy Fleming

a better hockey player than he is.

I got off some bad puns

about how McCullough stinks on ice.

Why should I waste my talent on that big moose?

Besides, who needs a broken nose?

Nobody, but some of us might have to chance it.

What do you mean by that?

While you were here cooling off I went down

to the Sports Page Bar and Grillto speak to Mr. McCullough.

Did you see him?

Certainly, I... Did you turn off the oven?

I didn't even know it was on.

That's the end of the beef Wellington.

Never mind the Beef Wellingotn.

Why did you see Splint McCullough?

What did you do?

I've been gone an hour and ten minutes.

Weren't you even aware of it?

Well, I managed to amuse myself.

Now why did you go to see Splint McCullough?

Why?

To keep you from cheapening yourself

by writing a biased column

that's beneath your dignity, that's why.

Will you give me that glove, please?

You actually did that for me?

That's what friends are for.

Oh, ah, oh, will you look?

What happened?

Ruined, it's garbage, nothing salvageable.

What happened?

Eight dollars and 34 cents.

Felix, what happened?

First, he gave me

an autographed hockey puck.

Then?

Then he went to the bar to get a drink

and he left me alone with his girl.

Oh, boy.

Then I made the mistake of telling her

I thought she was a lady and she liked that

and she kissed me.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Mr. McCullough witnessed this.

And?

Broke my watch crystal.

Is that all he broke?

Felix, that's a relief.

You know what he could have done to you?

That was a wonderful gesture, but you shouldn't have done it.

He could have taken you out in the back alley,

he could have murdered you.

He suggested that.

I thought it would be more gentlemanly

to challenge him to a boxing match.

We're meeting tomorrow afternoon at Feldman's Gym.

Is that a clean place?

Is it decent? Is it nice? Is it well-kept?

Felix, will you stop putting me on?

I'm not putting you one. When have I ever put anybody on?

You're not putting me on.

You're going to get in the ring with that gorilla.

You know he's made out of iron.

He'll pulverize you. You can't do it.

Will you look at that?

Never mind that!

You know he's gonna kill you.

It's a matter of honor. Good.

The funeral will be in your honor.

This is my fight, it's not your fight.

It's my fight now.

Ahh, now I see it all.

You're doing this to punish me.

You're going to get McCullough to kill you

so I'll feel guilty, right?

False, it's not even logical.

Never mind logic.

If you're not trying to make me feel guilty

why are you trying to commit suicide?

Don't feel guilty. I can take care of myself.

In the kitchen you can take care of yourself.

You can't box wearing oven mitts.

You don't have to tell me anything about boxing.

Somebody better.

Come with me, my boy.

I want to show you something.

Wipe your feet.

What makes you think you can last

even three seconds in a ring with Splint McCullough?

You'll see. Not on the bed.

You're the only person I know

who hangs up his clothes in alphabetical order.

Now, what do you think this means?

It means either you're crazy or you're challenging me

to a game of easy-over red-hot peppers.

Why do you suppose I have these along?

Keep you from biting your fingernails?

You didn't know that I was middleweight boxing champion

of the Harvard School of Business, huh?

Hey, that is you, Felix.

Sure it is.

Who's this skinny guy with the glasses?

That's the former champ.

One of the toughest notary publics who ever lived.

Hey, you even got medals.

Why did you give it up?

I changed my major to fine arts.

Drama students are a lot tougher

than notary publics, you know.

I guess this proves to you I can take care of myself.

Felix, all it proves is thaat 20 years ago

you beat up a couple of skinny C.P.A.s.

I can't let you do it.

The matter is out of your hands.

I know what I'm doing.

Felix, Splint McCullough didn't get this far in hockey

because of his good manners.

And he's still a hockey player, not a boxer.

You take away his ice skates and his hockey stick

and what have you got?

An unarmed homicidal maniac.

Wrong, he's a clumsy lummox

and no match for a master of self-defense.

I still feel guilty.

Ouch, my trick back.

Oh, boy, do I feel guilty.

You really like jogging, don't you?

Well, I started when I was married to Gloria.

Kept it up, you know, ever since.

I used to jog hen I was married.

Yeah? Yeah.

Just to get out of the house.

Hey, Oscar?

Oscar?!

Hey, Oscar, where'd you go?

Now I remember the real reason why I gave up boxing... yuck.

Felix, if they can't unpollute the air in the cities

how do you expect them to do it in a gym?

You sure you want to go through with this?

You doubt me, don't you?

Felix, anybody who brings a shower cap to a gym

doesn't exactly inspire confidence.

I'm susceptible to head colds.

Why did you bring towels... They furnish towels.

And who knows who's been using them?

Sweaty men... it's a gym, Felix.

It's not a health resort.

And I'm a trained pugilist, not a street brawler.

All right, go into your dressing room, set up housekeeping.

I wonder if you can catch athlete's foot

through your shoes.

Yeah, I got to do something.

Oscar!

Hi, remember me?

Well, you make it kind of hard

to forget you, sweetheart.

Hiya, Splint, old pal.

I don't like you, Madison.

I'm not exactly very crazy about you, but listen,

I want to make a deal with you.

Yeah, what kind of deal?

You call this crazy thing off

and I'll do an article on you that will make you

the Willie Mays of the National Hockey League.

What do you say?

No, I got to clobber the little punk.

My dignity's at stake.

My friend's life is at stake.

He's right, Splint.

If you clobber him, you can say good-bye to me.

You're kidding again, huh, Irma?

No, I just can't take any more of this.

If you hit him, I'm going back to Lou.

Oh!

Another man? You're going to drive him crazy.

No, Lou is my mother.

She lives in Sioux city.

Irma...

Irma, you really wouldn't leave me, would you?

I have to do what I have to do.

Come on, Splint, call it off.

You don't want to lose this beautiful lady.

Lady... that's the second time this week

someone's called me that.

Please, Splinty, come on.

Hmm?

All right.

I won't clobber the little punk.

Thata-boy!

I'm ready.

You can get dressed, Felix, the fight's off.

Yeah, Splint's not going to hit you.

Well, I'm glad he's finally come to his senses.

Congratulations.

Aren't you forgetting something?

What?

The apology.

Apology?

The apology... and four dollars.

Now, you hold it.

Splint McCullough don't apologize to nobody.

Yes, he does.

Felix, this is not some skinny C.P.A.

This is Splint McCullough.

I don't care who it is.

Everybody's willing to forget it. Are you crazy?

I'm not willing to forget it.

The man owes me an apology.

The man owes you a fist.

This is getting us nowhere.

I tried, didn't I, Irma? Get in the ring, you.

Oh, Splinty.

Hold it... this doesn't look like a regulation-size ring.

Who cares?

Will you stand still so I can hit you?

I care... the size of the ring affects my timing and foot work.

Felix, will you... Don't say it!

If you want to help me, fine.

Otherwise, you're free to leave.

Five 50-pound weights, 50 ten-pound weights

and 10 five-pound weights.

I don't know, somebody walked off with them.

A big guy.

Mr. Feldman, is that a regulation-size ring?

You kidding? I had a litte extra room so I put up ropes.

Yeah, he says it's a regulation ring.

Now can I punch you?

Just a minute, where's the bell?

Where's the timekeeper?

I'll just stand here.

I'll say, "round one, round two."

Oscar, we're going to do this right

or we're not going to do it at all.

No, no, not five ten-pound weights.

50 Ten-pound weights and 10 five-pound weights.

Mr. Feldman, we need a timekeeper and a bell.

Why don't you just stand there

and go, "round one, round two...

"Ding-ding."

We want to make it official, see?

Okay, here's your official timekeeper

and here's your official bell.

Okay, let's go.

Up, all right, now!

Wait a minute, where's the referee?

I'll be the referee.

But you're partial.

When I came in here, I was partial.

Now, I'm not too sure.

Ah, forget it, I'll call you back.

What do you want now, network coverage?

No, you want to be my referee?

I'm busy right now.

Listen, once we get the fight started

it'll only take a second.

Fellas, this is Mr. Feldman, he's going to be the referee.

You the two fighters?

That's right.

Okay, boys, mix it up.

What, what, look!

You haven't even introduced us.

Big, tough-looking guy, meet little, sappy-looking guy.

Okay, boys, mix it up.

Wait a minute.

Which is my corner?

Pick a corner, any corner.

It's so hard to decide.

They all look alike... take one!

I'll take this one.

No, no.

I want this one.

No, I...

Take a corner! Here's a pretty corner right here.

All right.

Splint, will you stop this?

Oh, I'll stop it.

If he'll start it, I'll stop it.

Did he come here to fight or redecorate?

I'll redecorate him.

Bless you.

Gesundheit.

Bless you.

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, wouldn't you know it.

I forgot my mouthpiece.

That's okay, here, I got one.

That's filthy. No it ain't.

I make everybody wipe it off after they use it.

Put it in boiling water for half an hour... maybe.

Unger, I promise not to hit you in the mouth.

So let's go, please?

Stop the preliminaries, get on with the bout.

Got to warm up, don't I?

Anything you say, Cassius.

That's a warm up?

It is for him.

All right.

Your hands are shaking.

I'm nervous.

You're nervous? Yeah.

If you had any brains you'd be nervous, too.

Make a nice bow.

A nice bow.

They don't give any points for neatness, Felix.

You still got a chance to run, you know.

How were you at running at that C.P.A. school?

Tuck in the ends.

Tuck in the ends?

Tuck in the ends.

Okay?

Right.

That's a boy, killer.

I'm ready.

Can I punch him now?

If you don't, I will.

Felix, get up.

The fight's about to start.

My back is locked.

Locked?

Oh, hey, you got to stop the fight.

Are you kidding?

What are you talking about?

His back is locked, he can't move.

He's lucky... he won't have so far to fall.

You're still going to hit him?

Yeah, he came here to fight and he's gonna get punched.

Oh, no, no, you're not going to hit him.

All right, I'll hit you!

Shouldn't have done that.

That's it!

Irma.

I'm going home to my mother.

Oh, Irma, I... I...

And here, take back your season tickets.

I don't want to see you

or another one of your stupid hockey games again.

Irma, I need you.

Who's going to sit back and talk to me...

Be right back with the First Aid kit.

I think... I think I can move now.

It's too late.

You okay?

No, but at least my eyes are going to match.

Thanks, Oscar.

It was nothing.

You didn't have to stand up for me, you know.

But we're here because you stood up for me.

Friends stand up for each other.

Yeah.

So, Felix, how come we can't stand up?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪