Original subtitles

Come on, Pete! It's just ten bucks!

You want the money... You get the lecture.

Fine... fine. Go ahead.

Okay.

What did the ant do, and what did the grasshopper do?

The ant saved his bread crumbs.

Uh-huh.

And the grasshopper?

He played.

He played! He played!

And when winter time came, who was better off?

Pete Dunville.

That's right! Pete Dunville.

And that's why I have nearly 300 dollars in my bank account,

and you have next to nothin'.

Thank you.

By the way, this came for you. I opened it by accident.

They're, uh, they're calling in your student loan

for 42,000 dollars.

Thanks for the ten.

Hey, look, look! A limo just pulled up.

Oh, it's Johnny.

He's driving a limo part-time for some extra cash.

It's awesome.

When he's off duty, we get to play "Easy Prom Date."

Ooh!

Hi, sweetie.

Hey, baby.

Mwah!

This is, uh, for you, for later.

Oh...

Well, how about tonight, for a change,

you wear the corsage, and I'll be the driver?

Hey, Johnny, you are just doing this for the money, right?

It's not so you can wear that really goofy hat?

I know what you mean. It's a stupid job.

I got to dress up in this monkey suit.

Drive some stuffed shirt around, for what? A lousy 100 bucks?

A 100 bucks?

Oh, why don't you get Pete a job with you?

Well, I'm sure Pete doesn't...

Yeah, he would! Give me the hat!

Hey, guys. Have you seen Ashley around?

No.

- Has she at least...? - No.

- But... - No!

- You looking for Ashley? - Yeah.

I haven't seen her.

First, she drops this bomb on me

about her long-distance boyfriend,

and now she's hiding from me.

This is just like when Meg Ryan wouldn't talk to Billy Crystal

in "When Harry met Sally."

Oh, yeah.

Well, what happened?

He was everything she thought she hated in a man.

And he kept hounding her, bothering her,

making her life a living, breathing hell

until he finally just broke her spirit.

Oh, God, it was so romantic.

Hey, you know what?

I really agree with Billy Crystals' theory

that men and women can't be friends without having sex.

So, wh... what exactly are you saying?

What are you saying?

I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying...

I'm saying...

Look, something shiny.

Jessica, listen...

If it's about Ashley, I don't want to get in the middle of it.

Look at me, okay?

I can't eat. I can't sleep. I'm a wreck.

I mean, sure, I still look good, but that's just genetics.

Look, I need your help, all right?

- She's at her gym. - Thank you!

- Ashley. - Hey, Berg.

Where you been?

You've been avoiding me all week.

No, I haven't been avoiding you.

Now, um, please don't follow me.

Listen, we need to talk about this.

- No, I can't. - Why?

If I talk to you, then...

then you're gonna make one of your dumb jokes.

And... and then you gonna give me one of those pathetic looks

with... those big, brown, puppy-dog eyes.

It's, it's like you make me feel like...

You, you, you make me feel... Like...

dancing?

There. Stop that.

Why are you fighting this?

Because, Berg, I have had something with Justin

for three years.

I... I can't just throw that all away on something

that might turn out to be...

The... love of your life.

Or a short-lived fling.

I... At least, with Justin I know it's real.

Oh, oh, you mean real, like, how he notices

the way you eat your pizza crust first?

Or, uh...

Or, or how you wear your, your red sweatshirt

inside out to hide coffee stain on the shoulder?

Or ma... maybe, uh...

The way you slip off your right shoe

when you're taking a test

and you just let it... let it dangle back and forth...

Back and forth...

You noticed that?

That's why I failed our last quiz.

And I suppose Justin's more real than me

because he found you first.

But I have just one question for you, Ashley.

If what you have is so real,

how can he be away from you for five months,

when I can't stand to be away from you for five minutes?

This is so unfair.

I... I don't think this is a good idea.

I think it is.

Damn.

I was hoping it wouldn't be that good.

Okay, I got to go.

Yes!

Here we are, Ma'am. Bayside Country Club.

Oh, I dread these charity events.

Same-old crusty blue-hairs. Same-old prime rib.

Mmm... I love prime rib.

Really?

Well, maybe you would like to join me for a nibble?

Oh, Mrs. Ryecart, are you flirting with me?

I'm harmless.

There'll be a big tip in it for ya.

Really?

Plus, you have nice shoulders.

And if you stand up,

I can see what your butt looks like.

Here's the iron.

Thank you.

Oh, you're not going to use it to make grilled cheese?

No.

So, you're still drivin'?

It must have gone pretty well last night.

Yeah, I made 300 bucks.

Whoa! How many people did you drive?

Uh, just one. She was a rich, lonely widow.

A rich, very generous, lonely, lonely widow,

who was happy to have somebody to share a conversation with...

And a waltz.

You waltzed with her?

Yeah, and a couple of tangos.

And she tipped you 300 dollars?

Yeah.

My, God, Pete.

You're a hooker!

It was completely innocent. And, besides...

I am free to spend time with whoever I want,

at whatever price the market will bear.

Hey, guys.

No, we haven't seen her.

Well, that's okay. I have.

I, uh, caught up to her last night.

We... we talked a little and... and then we kissed.

No way.

Yes, way.

Oh, finally. Oh, God!

Oh, oh, I'm so happy for you!

Everybody's in love!

You and Ashley. Me and Johnny.

Pete and his tricks.

Clients. They're called clients.

You know, it... it... it was amazing.

It was... it was everything I thought it would be.

It was exciting. It was passionate...

Right up until she ran away.

Well, you need to get over to Ashley's right now.

Why is that?

'Cause she's feeling guilty for that kiss.

God, if I know her,

she's sitting at home right now

thinking about her poor boyfriend

and how she betrayed him.

Wh... wh... what should I do?

Do, do what Richard Gere did in "Pretty Woman."

Get dressed up. Get two dozen roses.

And show up at her building in a limousine.

You think that'll work?

Every woman wants the fantasy.

Give her the fantasy, Berg!

Pete...

Will you drive the fantasy?

I can't. I can't. I'm fully booked.

All right, fine, fine.

But nobody laughs if Mrs. Ryecart calls me "kitten."

Thanks, kitten.

How do I look?

Oh, you put Richard Gere to shame.

- Look, I'm shaking. - All right, all right.

Calm down, okay?

All right, now, knock her dead.

Okay.

Ashley?

Pete, when are we gonna get going?

All right, all right. In a minute, Marge.

My friends are getting a little impatient.

Hi! Okay, girls, look...

I told you it would just be a few minutes,

then we're off to the gambling barge.

All right, watch your faces.

Ashley!

Ashley!

Would you shut up?

Excuse me, but this is a private conversation.

Ashley!

Berg... BERG: Jessica.

I need... I need to speak with Ashley.

She's not home.

Well, are you being serious,

or are you just covering for her?

I'm betting she's covering.

Berg, I really, really don't want

to get in the middle of this.

That's it! I'm coming up there, and nothing can stop me!

Would you mind buzzing me in?

Look, I'm not supposed to say anything,

but she left town this morning.

What... what do you mean?

She was really upset. She...

She went to Oxford.

Why?

To... see someone.

Someone?

You... you mean her boyfriend?

Sorry, Berg.

I was rootin' for ya.

Me, too.

She's gone.

Well, it's not over!

It's not looking very good.

Come on, Berg. She'll be back.

She picked... him, Sharon.

That's it?

You're giving up just like that?

What am I supposed to do, huh?

Do you love her, Berg?

Yes, I do.

No.

Do you really love her?

Or do you just think you love her

because you can't have her?

I don't... I don't know.

Well, you need to find that out.

How? How? How do I do that?

Go after her! God!

This is one of those moments

you're gonna look back in 30 years

and see it changed your life.

Now, you may be looking back with Ashley or without her.

But do you really want to look back wondering,

"What if"?

Listen to her.

That blonde knows what she's talking about.

Marge, get back in the car!

Let's go home, Pete.

All right. Sure.

Yeah, yeah.

I need to get my passport if I'm flying to England.

Yes! Yes!

Good answer! Good answer! Good answer!

So, I mean, how are you gonna track down Ashley?

I mean, England's a pretty big country.

Well, I... I know her boyfriend's name,

and I know he goes to Oxford.

- Oh... - It's a piece of cake.

Uh-oh.

What?

Oh, no, nothing...

Oh, I do.

Tell me, wh... What were you thinking?

All right. I was just thinking...

You know, what if you barged into his dorm room,

and they were both, like, standing there...

Naked?

Thank you.

Now I can just think about that on the long flight over.

Well, I told you you didn't want to know.

All right, I got you a few things,

like toothpaste, razors, shav...

Come on, Sharon.

You already bought me the ticket.

You didn't have to... Condoms?

Oh, oh, those are from Mrs. Ryecart.

In London, they're called "hats".

This is the final boarding call

for flight 405 to London.

All right. Well, that's me.

Okay. Ashley doesn't know it yet, but she is so lucky.

- Make us proud, okay? - All right.

Pete?

Ah, Berg, thank God.

What is it?

The captain told me it was an emergency.

Yeah, um, when you get to England,

could you pick me up one of those Big Ben Snow Globes?

Uh, is this Campbell Hall?

Yes.

Great. Look, um...

I need you to call Justin Thompson for me.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I can't do that.

Look, look, I flew all night from Boston

to find the woman I love and win her back.

If you have an ounce of romance in you,

you'll pick up that phone and make that call.

You didn't let me finish. I can't do that because...

he's not here.

He took his girlfriend on holiday

to the Isle of Wight this morning.

The Isle of Wight?

Okay, thanks.

Unless it was Bath.

I know it was one of those two.

The Isle of Wight or Bath?

Thank you.

You can definitely rule out Stratford. I know that.

Oh, wait a minute.

That's sounding familiar.

Maybe it sounds familiar...

because that's where they said they were going.

Let me think.

"Cheerio, Lucy, we're off to Stratford."

No, that wasn't it.

Is there a hotel he might be staying in?

He only stays at the Four Seasons.

Uh, Isle of Wight, Bath, Four Seasons, thank you.

Or is it the Intercontinental?

Wrong.

Because of you...

I was on a boat all night...

had my pocket picked in Bath...

But that was okay, because, thank God,

I had that 20 stashed in my sock.

'Cause that, you know, at least got me a cab ride

to the middle of "West Freakin' Nowhere"!

So, please, for the love of God,

tell me where I can find Justin Thompson!

It turns out they're not going on holiday until tomorrow.

Oopsie.

Then, where is he?

Right behind you.

It's your lucky day.

Are you Justin Thompson?

Yes.

My, my name is Berg. Michael Bergan.

I'm in love with your girlfriend,

and I'm pretty sure she's in love with me.

What?

Yeah.

Wendy!

Wendy, get over here!

Wendy?

Is that, like, British for "Ashley"?

You know, like condoms are "hats".

Uh, Pete, I... I couldn't find her anywhere.

I know. Ashley's back. She came in looking for you.

What?

Okay, all right.

Well, pick me up at the airport in the limo.

We're going over to Ashley's.

Thanks for the lift.

I hope you're all nice and cozy in there.

Don't worry about me.

I'm sure some day my nipples will soften.

I told you, we're not supposed to use the limousine

for personal matters, right, Pete?

He just doesn't listen, Johnny.

Ah, this is just like in the movies.

You got anything to eat?

Ah, yeah, there's some, uh,

Junior Mints in the glove compartment.

Oh... And pass me the licorice whips.

Ashley!

Ashley!

Hey! It's you!

How you doing, buddy?

Uh...

I'm kind of in the middle of something here.

Oh, right.

- Ashley! - Ashley!

Berg?

Ashley.

Hey, I'm glad you came.

The suspense is killing me!

What did Ashley say?

God, I didn't hear what she said.

Yeah, I don't really like sitting this close.

I've been wanting to talk to you.

No, no. Um...

Let me say something first, okay?

I know... I know that you think that I'm this big flake

and... and maybe I deserve that...

And... and if you want to be with Justin instead of me

because you love him, then that's fine.

But, Ashley, if you're choosing him

because you think what we have

is less serious or less real, then...

then you're wrong.

You're dead wrong.

And I went all the way to England to prove that.

Why would you fly to England?

I followed you to Oxford.

What's so funny?

Um...

Justin teaches at Old Miss. I was in Oxford, Mississippi.

Mississippi?

Um... That's like nowhere near England.

Oh, God, I am...

such a bonehead.

Such an incredibly in-debt bonehead.

Actually, I think that's one of the most romantic things

I've ever heard.

Well, why do you think I did it?

Listen, Berg, I'm coming down.

Okay.

I'm confused.

So, did Ashley go to England or not?

No.

She went to Mississippi.

- There's two Oxfords! - Oh...

Okay.

Do you think this is a good time to go to the bathroom?

- Hey. - Hey.

Listen, Berg, I, um...

I went to Mississippi to tell Justin

that I didn't think this long-distance relationship

was working out, and, um...

He agreed with me.

- He did? - Yeah.

He... he did?

He did!

That's great. Oh... No, um, no, it's not.

He, um...

He's moving to Boston.

I...

I... I really feel like I owe it to him to give it a try.

Oh...

I see.

Berg...

No, no, I'm... I'm okay.

- I'm sorry. - No.

You know...

This is the worst movie I've ever seen.

Want a tissue?

No, I'm cool.

Oh, don't look at me.

Oh, honey!

- Hey. - Hey.

You know what, Berg?

If you say the words "character building"...

No, no, no.

You owe me three thousand dollars.

No, I'm good.

You know what, though, I...

I feel sorry for this Justin guy 'cause... 'cause now...

now he's going to have to compete with me

on my home turf.

Let's get out of here.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Oh, hey. Don't look at Johnny.

He's a mess.

We're looking for a Pete Dunville.

Yeah, that's me.

I'm Dave Ryecart.

This is Stanley Babcock and Richard Webber.

I believe you know our wives.

Uh-oh.

She told me you were dead.

Clearly, we're not.

And we're very interested in those little

midnight rides of yours.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Look, I swear to God, nothing happened.

All right? I'll never take them out again.

Actually, we'd like you to take them out more often.

Especially on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

That's when we go to "Hooters".