Original subtitles

YOU DID IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU AND DANA.

YEAH.

YOU KISSED JENNY?

I-I DIDN'T THINK THAT YOU WOULD MIND.

THEN, NO, AND, HEY, AND I DON'T.

STARTING A NEW PROJECT.

THIS JOURNAL OF MY LIFE WITH THE TWO OF YOU GUYS.

BASICALLY, IT'S JUST GOING TO BE INTERVIEWS.

WOW.

OKAY, I TAKE YOUR POINT, MAN.

YEAH, HIDDEN CAMERAS, MAN.

IT'S THE WAY TO DO THIS.

SINCE MY WORK IN T.O.E.,

THE PLANET HAS GONE FROM BEING IN THE RED TO BLACK.

AND...

AND BENJAMIN

IS THE BEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

SO I'M GOING TO STAY IN THE GUEST ROOM

UNTIL I FIND A PLACE OF MY OWN.

WELCOME HOME.

HELENA PEABODY IS ON HER WAY OVER HERE.

RIGHT NOW?

WE GOT THE BIGGEST GRANT

THAT THEY GAVE.

NOBODY ELSE GOT AS MUCH MONEY.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M HERE TO PUBLICIZE OUR GRANT ANNOUNCEMENT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY GIRLFRIEND?

DID YOU KNOW THAT TINA WAS PREGNANT?

BETTE, YOU DIDN'T KNOW?

OH, MY GOD.

HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW?

BECAUSE I AM JUST THE BIGGEST FUCKING ASSHOLE

IN THE UNIVERSE.

I GUESS THAT'S HOW.

THANKS FOR JOINING ME.

I DON'T USUALLY DO THIS,

SOCIALIZE WITH MY STUDENTS.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE MAKING AN EXCEPTION FOR ME.

IT GETS KIND OF LONELY ON THE ROAD SOMETIMES.

YEAH.

YOU MUST MISS YOUR FAMILY.

I-I'M SORRY.

DID I OVERSTEP?

I'M TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING, KIT.

I'M AWAY FROM THEM NINE MONTHS OUT OF THE YEAR,

SLEEPING ALONE IN HOTEL ROOMS...

[LAUGHS]

YEAH, BACK IN THE DAY, I DEALT WITH IT

BY JUST GETTING HAMMERED EVERY NIGHT

AND WAKING UP WITH A DIFFERENT MAN

EVERY MORNING.

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU DON'T FEEL THE NEED

TO DO THAT ANYMORE.

I CAN'T SAY

THAT I DON'T FEEL THE NEED.

I JUST DON'T ACT ON IT LIKE I USED TO.

WELL, I GUESS IT'S GOODBYE, THEN.

YEAH, YEAH, WELL, LOOK...

THANKS FOR KEEPING ME COMPANY.

I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

OH, IT WAS MY PLEASURE.

SHIT.

UH, UM... I THINK I SHOULD GO.

YEAH, YEAH, OKAY.

OKAY?

YEAH, OKAY.

OKAY.

OH, YEAH.

OH, YEAH.

OH, YEAH.

[MUSIC BLASTING]

I DON'T EVEN LIKE THIS STUPID PICTURE.

IT'S JUST THE ONLY THING I HAVE

THAT ISN'T FROM BETTE OR OF BETTE.

[♪♪♪]

OH, MY GOD.

I LOVE THIS SONG.

♪ BEST SHOT... ♪

♪ WHY DON'T YOU HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT ♪

IS THAT STRAIGHT?

♪ FIRE AWAY... ♪

NO, IT'S CROOKED.

[HUMMING]

OH, GUITAR SOLO.

I'M DRUMS.

TINA, HELLO?

I'M DOING THE SOLO.

OH, JEEZ.

OKAY.

OKAY, NOT A PROBLEM.

OH!

OH, HI.

I... I DID RING THE BELL,

BUT I GUESS YOU COULDN'T HEAR ME OVER THE CACOPHONY.

HOW ARE YOU?

I'M... GOD.

I'M NOT...

IT'S KIND OF A MESS.

I'M NOT REALLY PREPARED FOR COMPANY.

I WAS JUST ON MY WAY TO BRUNCH,

AND I THOUGHT

I'D DROP OFF THIS PAPERWORK.

NOW, THE HEADQUARTERS FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE

HAS MONEY IN THE BANK.

WOW. WHERE DO I SIGN UP?

HI.

THANK YOU.

UM... CAN I MAKE YOU A CUP OF TEA?

NO, NO, NOT TODAY.

I'LL SEE YOU THURSDAY.

OKAY.

SEE YOU THEN.

THANKS FOR COMING BY.

WHAT'S THURSDAY?

[SIGHS]

IT'S THE PEABODY FOUNDATION DINNER

FOR ALL THEIR GRANT RECIPIENTS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE SAW ME LIKE THIS.

LIKE WHAT?

LIKE A PREGNANT WOMAN AT HOME DOING NORMAL THINGS

IN HER APARTMENT?

LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

SHE WAS ALWAYS DRESSED PERSONALLY BY YVES ST. LAURENT?

I THINK I'VE PUT HER OFF.

DID YOU SEE THE WAY SHE LOOKED AT ME?

YEAH, I DID.

IT WAS A LITTLE BIT SCARY.

ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH HER?

NO.

NO, I HAVEN'T.

ARE YOU GOING TO?

I DON'T KNOW.

I-I DON'T THINK I'M READY.

I MEAN, BESIDES, LOOK...

WITH THIS...

ALICE, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

SHE'S NOT EVEN INTERESTED IN ME.

HA.

I DON'T KNOW. I CAN'T TELL.

OKAY, DO YOU THINK CARMEN IS INTO ME, HONESTLY?

OKAY, WHEN YOU WENT OUT WITH HER, LIKE...

WAS SHE JUST KIND OF, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

I DON'T KNOW...

RETICENT?

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU WENT OUT

WITH THIS GIRL?

THE GIRL YOU'RE...

FUCK YOU, MARK.

[LAUGHS]

AND NOW YOU'RE GOING OUT WITH THE SAME GIRL.

I AM DEFINITELY NOT GOING OUT WITH HER.

AND THAT'S COOL?

YOU GUYS... IS THAT COMMON?

YOU GUYS JUST SHARE CHICKS AND SHIT?

WE DON'T SHARE.

I DON'T DATE CARMEN ANYMORE.

OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.

OF COURSE, YOU HAVE YOUR TWO-FUCK LIMIT, RIGHT?

SHANE, HOW DO YOU EVEN CONVINCE A GIRL

TO GO HOME WITH YOU?

DOESN'T YOUR REPUTATION

PRECEDE YOU BY THIS POINT?

HOW DO YOU?

I DON'T KNOW.

I MAKE A LOT OF EYE CONTACT,

LAUGH AT THEIR JOKES...

OH, AND WHAT SIGNS AND SEALS THE DEAL

IS I TELL A TRAGIC CHILDHOOD STORY.

OH, MARK...

YOU'RE SO FULL OF SHIT.

YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE.

LOOK, FROM WHAT I KNOW,

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS TO LISTEN.

YOU GET THEM TALKING,

AND YOU START HEARING ABOUT THEIR LIFE,

AND THEN YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT THEY WANT.

YEAH, IT'S TRUE.

CHICKS DO LIKE TO TALK A LOT.

BUT YOU DO NOT TALK TOO MUCH.

THAT'S THE THING.

TALKING TOO MUCH CAN KILL IT.

YOU DON'T TELL YOUR LIFE STORY,

AND YOU DON'T HAVE THEM TELL THEIRS.

THAT'S IT.

YOU SHOULD JUST SHOW HER, SHANE.

THINK ABOUT IT.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW THIS GIRL.

YOU'VE DATED HER, RIGHT?

WHAT A TIME SAVER IT WOULD BE FOR POOR JENNY

JUST TO HAVE A LITTLE THREE-WAY.

DON'T YOU THINK, JENNY?

I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS, MARK,

BUT I DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES.

OH... DAMN.

HEY. HEY.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

TONYA'S MEETING IS ONLY A COUPLE OF HOURS.

I WAS AT TINA'S.

WHAT MEETING?

THE HEINEKEN CELEBRITY SLAMMIN' JAMMIN' TOURNAMENT.

SO CAN WE GO BACK TO YOUR PLACE NOW?

DANA... YEAH?

I'M NOT GOING TO DO THIS WITH YOU.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO WHAT?

I'M NOT GOING TO SNEAK AROUND WITH YOU.

I'M NOT GOING TO BE YOUR SECRET LOVER,

YOUR BACK-DOOR WOMAN.

WH-WHAT HAPPENED?

I WANT YOU...

I WANT YOU TO LEAVE HER.

AL, I CAN'T DO THAT RIGHT NOW.

WHY?

BECAUSE...

THE TOURNAMENT TOMORROW.

BECAUSE TONYA SET UP THE WHOLE THING,

AND IT'S A REALLY BIG DEAL FOR ME.

OKAY, THAT'S IT FOR US.

WHAT? NO, AL.

ALICE. ALICE!

WHAT?

[WHISPERS]: AL. COME HERE, PLEASE.

PLEASE.

AL...

LOOK AT ME.

ALICE, LOOK AT ME.

I REALLY...

REALLY WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

YOU DO?

YES.

WELL... WELL, THEN, WILL YOU BREAK UP WITH HER

AFTER THE TOURNAMENT?

HI.

WHAT'S UP?

YOU LOOK GOOD.

[SCOFFS]

I'M A MESS.

ARE YOU GOING TO INVITE ME IN?

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,

I'M NOT REALLY IN THE MOOD

FOR COMPANY RIGHT NOW.

I'D RATHER YOU CALLED FIRST.

WELL, IS THE APARTMENT OKAY?

I MEAN, ARE YOU COMFORTABLE HERE?

IT'S FINE.

I'M FINE.

IS THERE SOMETHING IN PARTICULAR?

WE SHOULD TALK, TINA.

I MEAN, I CAN'T CARRY ON

AND PRETEND LIKE IT'S ALL FINE,

AND THAT I'M NOT AS CONFUSED AS HELL

BY THE WHOLE THING.

LOOK, I AM...

I'M JUST GOING TO SAY WHAT I HAVE TO SAY,

AND I HOPE THAT YOU'RE ABLE TO HEAR IT.

OKAY.

I DON'T KNOW

HOW YOU COULD KEEP THIS BABY A SECRET FROM ME.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU COULD LIE TO ME

FOR NEARLY FOUR MONTHS.

I MEAN, WE WERE STILL TOGETHER.

WE WERE A COUPLE,

AND YOU WERE PREGNANT, AND I HAD NO IDEA.

I PLANNED TO TELL YOU, AND THEN YOU FUCKED OFF.

I FUCKED UP.

I DID NOT FUCK OFF.

I DID NOT LEAVE.

I AM STILL HERE.

I WANT TO HAVE A PLACE IN THIS BABY'S LIFE.

THIS IS OUR BABY, TINA.

OKAY, I KNOW THAT IT'S COMPLICATED.

I KNOW THAT THERE ARE NO EASY ANSWERS.

THERE'S PROBABLY NO LEGAL PRECEDENT,

AND, IF YOU PREFER, WE CAN HIRE LAWYERS

AND MAKE UP DOCUMENTS...

I DON'T EVEN HAVE A LAWYER ANYMORE.

OKAY, FINE. I...

I WOULD RATHER THAT WE WORK IT OUT OURSELVES.

WELL, I'M NOT SURE I WANT TO WORK IT OUT,

NOT IN THE WAY THAT YOU WANT IT.

[SIGHS]

DID YOU USE OUR SPERM?

I USED THE SPERM WE HAD STORED AT THE CRYOBANK, YES.

THEN THIS IS OUR BABY, TINA.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE DOING THIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE CONCEIVED OF THIS BABY TOGETHER.

WE SEARCHED FOR A DONOR TOGETHER.

IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT? I FOUND THE DONOR.

MARCUS ALLENWOOD IS A FRIEND OF MINE,

AND IF WE WERE HUSBAND AND WIFE,

THIS WOULD BE MY BABY.

LOOK, I JUST NEED TO THINK ABOUT IT!

OKAY?

JUST GIVE ME SOME TIME.

OKAY.

OH, LAST ONE.

DO YOU WANT THIS?

NO, IT'S ALL YOURS.

OH, THANK YOU.

YOU'RE SO VERY WELCOME.

MM, MM.

MM.

IS IT GOOD?

MM-HMM.

MM...

YOU'RE SUCH A TEASE.

WELL, THEN, KEEP GOING.

I KNOW THIRST.

IT'S SO INTENSE.

OH, SHIT. OH.

WHOO, GOD, YOU STINK.

OH, GOD, REALLY?

YEAH.

OH, SHIT.

OH, NOW YOU ARE, TOO.

YOU'RE GOING TO STINK.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST DID THAT.

NO, I DIDN'T MEAN TO.

OF COURSE I DIDN'T.

I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

HI.

HEY.

OH, HOW ARE YOU?

I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT MARK IS OUT THERE

FILMING WITH HIS VIDEO CAMERA.

WHAT?

YEAH.

OKAY, WHO WOULD MAKE OUT WITH A GUY

FOR A MILLION DOLLARS?

WHO WOULDN'T?

WOULD YOU?

HELL, YEAH. A LOT LESS THAN THAT, ACTUALLY.

[LAUGHS]

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

WOULD YOU MAKE OUT WITH A GUY

FOR A MILLION DOLLARS?

A MILLION AND A HALF DOLLARS?

OOH!

I... I WOULD MAKE OUT WITH A REPUBLICAN

FOR A MILLION DOLLARS.

WHAT? I THINK...

I THINK THE REPUBLICANS CAN BE HOT.

TAKE IT BACK.

WHY?

BECAUSE REPUBLICANS ARE FUCKING SCARY.

SCARY CAN SOMETIMES BE...

SEXY.

THEY'RE NOT SCARY.

THEY'RE STUPID.

THAT'S RIGHT,

AND STUPID, SHANE...

CAN BE EVEN SEXIER.

OKAY, BUT WOULD YOU

MAKE OUT WITH A FRIEND?

SURE.

WHAT ABOUT TWO FRIENDS

AT THE SAME TIME?

WHAT?

OH, TWO FRIENDS AT THE SAME TIME?

NO, I WOULDN'T.

COME ON, YEAH.

NO, NO, NO.

NOT FOR SOME HORNY GUY'S BENEFIT.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I WOULD NOT.

[CLEARS THROAT]

JENNY!

LET'S GO GET SOME MORE BEER.

BYE.

YEAH, WE'RE OUT.

COME ON.

NO. DON'T.

NO, THANK YOU.

HELLO, BETTE.

HELENA.

CONGRATULATIONS, BY THE WAY.

ON?

LEO HERRERA.

HE'S GOING TO BE WONDERFUL FOR THE C.A.C.

LEO'S SUCH A GEM.

BETTE'S GOING TO BE WORKING WITH LEO HERRERA.

HE'S COMING TO LOS ANGELES

FOR SIX MONTHS TO HELP RAISE MONEY

FOR THE CALIFORNIA ART CENTER.

HELLO?

IT'S BETTE PORTER.

BETTE.

IS SOMETHING WRONG?

LEO HERRERA.

I WAS PLANNING ON TALKING ABOUT THIS TOMORROW.

DID HELENA PEABODY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS?

BETTE, I REALLY DON'T THINK THIS IS THE TIME OR PLACE.

NOW, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS TOMORROW MORNING.

I ASKED YOU A QUESTION, FRANKLIN.

IT'S IRRELEVANT.

WE'RE HEMORRHAGING, BETTE.

YOU YOURSELF SAID THAT THIS IS

THE MOST DIFFICULT FUNDRAISING CLIMATE

YOU'VE EVER FACED.

AND HIRED A FUNDRAISER WITHOUT CONSULTING ME,

IN VIOLATION OF MY CONTRACT?

WE HIRED LEO AS A CONSULTANT.

I SUGGEST YOU TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR CONTRACT,

AND YOU'LL SEE THAT IT'S WELL WITHIN OUR PURVIEW.

NOW, IF YOU WANT TO DISCUSS THIS WITH ME FURTHER,

PLEASE SET UP AN APPOINTMENT

TO TALK TO ME

DURING THE DAY TOMORROW.

[SIGHS]

HI, IT'S ME.

I'M JUST HAVING A ROUGH TIME, AND IT'S...

CAN YOU TALK, OR ARE YOU BUSY?

WHAT'S UP?

FUCKING FRANKLIN WENT AND HIRED LEO HERRERA

TO COME RAISE MONEY FOR THE C.A.C.

HE'S ACTUALLY MOVING HIM OUT

FROM NEW YORK.

WITHOUT CONSULTING YOU?

YEAH...

AND THEN I WENT TO HIS HOUSE UNANNOUNCED

AND WENT OFF ON HIM IN HIS DRIVEWAY.

OH, NO, NO, NO.

YOU DIDN'T.

YEAH, I DID,

AND YOU KNOW WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?

YOUR BUDDY HELENA PEABODY.

THE WOMAN IS A FUCKING DRAGON,

AND SHE'S MAKING MY LIFE A LIVING HELL.

OH, PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE NOT SLEEPING WITH HER, TINA.

BETTE.

ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH HER?

ARE YOU FUCKING SLEEPING WITH HER?

IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.

DON'T DO IT, TINA.

THAT WOMAN WILL EAT YOU ALIVE.

SHE IS A VAMPIRE.

YEAH, AND A DRAGON.

THAT'S RIGHT, SHE IS A MONSTER,

HOWEVER YOU WANT TO CHARACTERIZE IT.

SHE LIKES TO FUCK WITH PEOPLE FOR SPORT...

BETTE!

LOOK, YOU WERE IN DISTRESS,

AND YOU NEEDED SOMEONE TO TALK TO,

AND I'M WILLING TO LISTEN,

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO DO THIS WITH YOU.

DO WHAT? WHAT ARE WE DOING?

YOU'RE TRYING TO CONTROL ME, AND YOU CAN'T.

I'M NOT GOING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT HELENA PEABODY.

OH, PLEASE.

[SIGHS]

FUCK.

HI!

HI.

HOW'S MY LITTLE BRIDE-TO-BE?

READY TO PLAY THE BEST TENNIS OF HER LIFE?

FINE.

OKAY, WELL, IN ORDER TO GET OUT OF HERE,

WE NEED TO LEAVE IN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES,

TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.

SO I'M JUST GOING TO PHONE ANNA KOURNIKOVA

AND MARTINA'S PEOPLE,

MAKE SURE EVERYTHING'S OKAY IN LA JOLLA,

AND THEN WE'RE OFF, OKAY?

OKAY.

OKAY.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

HELLO?

NO, ALICE,

I HAVEN'T TOLD HER YET.

STOP PRESSURING ME!

HONEY, WHO IS THAT?

MY MOM.

IT'S MY MOM.

SHE MAKES ME FEEL SO PRESSURED

WHEN SHE CALLS ME TO WISH ME GOOD LUCK.

OH, OKAY. SORRY.

SO, YEAH,

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE...

I WILL CALL YOU BACK LATER.

[KNOCKING]

[♪♪♪]

HI.

HI.

ARE YOU SHANE McCOUCHIN?

McCUTCHEON.

I NEED YOU TO SIGN THIS.

WHO ARE THEY FROM?

MAYBE YOU HAVE A SECRET ADMIRER.

JUST RIGHT THERE.

IS THAT GOOD FOR YOU?

YES, MA'AM, THAT'S GOOD FOR ME.

WOW.

DON'T YOU WANT TO PUT THEM IN WATER?

UM, YEAH.

MM-HMM, I DO,

BUT I DON'T KNOW IF WE HAVE A VASE.

I THINK THIS MIGHT WORK.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT COULD WORK.

THANK YOU.

YOUR DESCRIPTIVE TECHNIQUE IS BETTER,

BUT YOU'RE STILL SKATING ON THE SURFACE.

HOW DO YOU MEAN

THAT I'M "SKATING OVER THE SURFACE?"

JUST THINK ABOUT IT,

AND THEN TAKE ANOTHER PASS.

AND REMEMBER...

YOU'RE NOT CLEA.

I KNOW THAT I'M NOT CLEA.

HAVE YOU EVER READ

ANY OF THE STORIES FROM MY RODEO DAYS?

YES, I'VE, ACTUALLY, I'VE...

I'VE READ ALL OF YOUR STORIES.

I THOUGHT SO.

YOU'VE GOT TO FIND YOUR OWN VOICE, JENNY.

IMITATION MAY BE

THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY,

BUT IT'S NOT THE BEST FORM OF WRITING.

UM, OKAY, BUT...

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,

I DON'T THINK THAT I'M IMITATING YOU, ACTUALLY.

I'M NOT INTO THE WHOLE...

STUDENT-TEACHER TRANSFERENCE THING.

I'D PREFER TO KEEP THE BOUNDARIES

BETWEEN US CRISP AND CLEAR.

OKAY, I WILL...

I WILL KEEP THAT IN MIND.

THANK YOU.

HEY, JENNY.

HEY, HUNTER.

YOU READY?

YES.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

YOU KNOW, JENNY...

HOLD ON. I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT FOR YOU.

OKAY, READY?

DEEP BREATHS.

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

ONE. GOOD.

TWO.

GOOD.

KEEP BREATHING.

THREE...

[♪♪♪]

SHE IS UNBELIEVABLE.

YOU ARE A GOD, MAN.

I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT I CALL GOOD FILMMAKING.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

OH...

OH, GOODNESS.

THAT BLONDE IS UNBELIEVABLE, MAN.

HOW DO YOU KNOW GIRLS LIKE THIS?

FOR $200, YOU COULD KNOW GIRLS LIKE THAT, GOMEY.

[LAUGHS]

SEE, I TOLD YOU, MAN.

REALITY JUST NEEDS A LITTLE HELP SOMETIMES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

HOLD ON.

PAN BACK.

DUDE, HOLD ON A SECOND.

I JUST... I WANT TO KNOW WHAT SHE'S FEELING.

WHO GIVES A FUCK WHAT SHE'S FEELING?

TRY NOT SPEAKING FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.

NOT A WORD.

TRY COMMUNICATING ALL YOUR NEEDS

WITHOUT USING AUDIBLE LANGUAGE.

WHY?

DON'T ASK WHY.

JUST TRY IT...

AND THEN WRITE ME AN ESSAY

ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE

I LET YOU TAKE ME TO LA JOLLA FOR THIS.

OKAY, YOU NEED TO TELL HER

TO CALL THIS THING OFF,

AND JUST EXPLAIN

THAT THE LONGER SHE WAITS,

THE MORE PAINFUL IT'S GOING TO GET,

BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THAT,

AND, JUST, LIKE, TELL HER IF...

ALICE, WHY DO I HAVE TO TELL HER?

SHE SAID SHE'D SAY SOMETHING

AFTER THE GAME.

HONEY, MELLOW OUT, PLEASE.

[DOOR OPENS]

THERE'S TONYA.

[TONYA]: I JUST WANTED TO CALL AND SAY

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TODAY.

I KNOW.

MELISSA RIVERS.

I AM DYING!

I KNOW.

I CAN'T BELIEVE

SHE'S ACTUALLY HOSTING THE EVENT.

SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WE'RE HERE, DOES SHE?

OKAY, NO.

UM, OKAY, HERE'S THE PLAN, STAN.

YOU'RE GOING TO CALL ME ON THIS PHONE...

TAKE THIS...

IF YOU SEE TONYA COMING, OKAY?

THAT'S JUST DUMB.

ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS, SHANE, OKAY?

[KNOCKING]

[WHISPERS]: DANA.

HI.

HI. HI.

HI.

OKAY, LISTEN,

IF YOU DON'T PROMISE TO DO THIS TONIGHT,

THEN I REFUSE TO LEAVE THIS ROOM.

WAIT, WAIT.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. THAT'S NOT FAIR.

I SAID I WOULD DO IT AFTER.

BESIDES, WHAT DO I SAY?

MM... HOW ABOUT...

HOW ABOUT, "HI, TONYA, YOU'RE A SCARY ROBOT,

AND I'M NOT GOING TO MARRY YOU,"

AND...

"BUT YOU CAN STILL BE MY "MANAGER.

OKAY.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

OH, GOD.

THAT'S SHANE.

THAT MEANS TONYA'S COMING, SO...

WHAT WAS YOUR ESCAPE PLAN, AL?

I DIDN'T REALLY THINK ABOUT THAT ONE.

ALICE!

HI...

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

HOW ARE YOU?

SURPRISE!

ALICE.

HI!

TENNIS, ANYONE?

[ALICE AND DANA LAUGH]

WOW, DID YOU...

DID YOU COME UP HERE JUST... TO SUPPORT YOUR FRIEND?

I DID.

[TONYA]: THAT IS SO SWEET.

AH, YES.

[GASPS]

MELISSA RIVERS IS GREAT.

IT IS SUCH A COUP TO GET HER.

I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU.

HEINEKEN IS THRILLED.

YEAH, YOU'RE A FANTASTIC PROMOTER, TONYA.

YOU ARE.

I MEAN, DANA'S REALLY LUCKY TO HAVE YOU AS HER MANAGER.

AND I AM SO GLAD THAT YOU CAME,

BECAUSE OUR LITTLE MISS FAIRBANKS

HAS BEEN A BUNDLE OF NERVES.

OH.

HAVEN'T YOU, BABY?

OH, HAVE YOU?

OH, BOO-DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO.

JUST ONE MORE LITTLE MATCH

TILL WE CAN GO BACK

AND SLEEP IN OUR OWN LITTLE BEDDY-BYE,

RIGHT, POOKIE PIE?

YEAH... OKAY.

WELL, I'M GOING TO LEAVE YOU GUYS ALONE...

OKAY.

BUT I AM EXCITED TO SEE YOU

KICK SOME BUTT.

YEAH!

ALL RIGHT.

LATER, GIRL.

BYE.

ALICE... CRAZY.

SO WHEN DOES YOUR SILENCE ASSIGNMENT END?

I HAD A REALLY GREAT TIME WITH YOU,

BUT... I THINK I WANT TO DO IT AGAIN

WHEN YOU'RE A LITTLE BIT MORE VERBAL.

MAYBE.

IS THAT COOL WITH YOU?

OKAY.

[KEYBOARD CLICKING]

HURRY, HURRY, HURRY.

STEP RIGHT UP, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

BOYS AND GIRLS, GIRLY BOYS AND BOYISH GIRLS,

TOPS, BOTTOMS, QUEERS, BIS, TRANSGENDERS,

AND LABEL-FREE PEOPLE OF EVERY STRIPE AND VARIETY...

COME AND SEE THE AMAZING TRIO OF HUMAN FREAKS,

BROUGHT BEFORE YOU

FOR ENTERTAINMENT AND AMUSEMENT.

ON THE HIGH WIRE, WE HAVE OUR FIRST SPECIMEN,

THE SILENT BALLERINA...

AND BEHIND ME,

OUR SECOND SPECIMEN, THE BEAUTIFUL TEMPTRESS!

WHO COULD RESIST HER CHARMS?

AND TO MY LEFT, OUR THIRD SPECIMEN...

THE TEMPTRESS TAMER!

[WHIP CRACKS]

HERE IT IS...

BUT... I'M GOING TO NEED YOU TO SIGN FOR IT FIRST.

[MOCKING]: IS THAT GOOD FOR YOU?

NO, KELLY,

YOU WERE GENIUS IN THIS.

NO, REALLY, IT'S...

IT'S PRETTY FUCKING HOT.

I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO ENJOY IT.

THANKS.

HEY, WHAT'S UP?

ARE YOU SORRY YOU DID IT?

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO,

I WON'T USE IT.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO USE IT.

BUT... KEL, IT'S GOOD.

I MEAN, IT'S PROVOCATIVE, BUT IT'S NOT CHEESY.

IT'S GOING TO WORK REALLY WELL IN THE NARRATIVE

OF MY FILM.

YOUR FILM?

LESBIANS GONE WILD?

NO.

THAT'S ACTUALLY NOT WHAT I HAVE IN MIND.

I'M MAKING A DOCUMENTARY.

I DON'T KNOW.

SHANE MIGHT GET UPSET.

YOU'RE SURE SHE'S NOT HOME, RIGHT?

YEAH, I'M SURE.

WHAT?

I DON'T WANT TO HURT HER.

THAT'S ALL.

SHE WAS REALLY NICE TO ME.

THAT'S IT?

SHE WAS... SHE WAS REALLY NICE TO YOU?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, EXACTLY?

SHE TURNED YOU ON?

SHE MADE YOU COME REAL HARD?

SCREW YOU, MARK.

I'M SORRY.

THAT WASN'T APPROPRIATE.

IT'S JUST IT'S GOOD,

AND I GUESS I'M JUST A LITTLE JEALOUS.

OF ME OR HER?

SHUT UP.

IT'S JUST...

IT'S REALLY UNBELIEVABLE, THOUGH.

THAT CHICK MUST HAVE SOME KIND OF POWER

OR SOMETHING.

I'VE NEVER SEEN A GIRL

HAVE THAT KIND OF EFFECT ON OTHER GIRLS.

SOUNDS LIKE

SHE'S WORKING ON YOU, TOO.

NOT.

I'M JUST INTRIGUED BY HER.

SO DOES SHANE SLEEP WITH A LOT OF GIRLS?

MELISSA RIVERS IS OUT OF WATER,

AND HER CELEBRITY HANDLER

IS JUST SITTING THERE?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?

I WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

EXCUSE ME.

OKAY, QUICK. SHANE...

I NEED YOU TO READ THIS AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A SCRIPT.

I WROTE IT FOR DANA TO BREAK UP WITH TONYA

BECAUSE SHE WAS HAVING TROUBLE FINDING THE WORDS.

[SIGHS]

"TONYA, THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO SAY TO YOU.

"THIS ISN'T EASY FOR ME,

"BECAUSE YOU'VE WORKED REALLY HARD

AND DONE SO MUCH FOR MY CAREER."

ALICE.

IT'S KARMICALLY WRONG,

AND IT'S GOING TO COME BACK AT YOU

IF YOU AND DANA WIND UP TOGETHER.

ALL RIGHT,

YODA NEEDS TO GIVE ME SOME BETTER ADVICE HERE,

OR YODA NEEDS TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I'M SO GLAD

YOU DECIDED TO COME, BABY SISTER.

I THINK IT WILL BE GOOD FOR YOU.

I'M JUST DOING THIS TO SUPPORT YOU, KIT.

I'M NOT DOING THIS FOR MYSELF.

OH, YOU MAY SAY THAT NOW,

BUT IT'S TRANSFORMATIVE,

AND IF YOU DON'T MIND ME SAYING,

YOU COULD USE A LITTLE TRANSFORMING

RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

PLEASE DO NOT USE

THAT SELF-HELP JARGON ON ME.

I WILL BARF.

I'M NOT A MOONIE.

HE JUST SAYS A LOT OF THINGS

THAT MAKE SENSE.

IF YOU SAY SO.

DON'T YOU THINK HE'S FINE?

WAIT UNTIL YOU HEAR HIM SPEAK.

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE WAY

HE MOVES HIS BODY ON STAGE.

YOU'VE BEGGED, PLEADED,

PLOTTED, SCREAMED, AND FLAILED,

AND YET YOU'VE STILL NOT GOT THAT THING,

THAT ONE THING THAT YOU MOST WANT,

THAT YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT,

BUT... HAVE YOU TAKEN...

THE ULTIMATE RISK?

HAVE YOU MADE YOURSELF VULNERABLE?

SAY TO YOURSELF,

"WHAT IS THE MOST VULNERABLE POSITION FOR ME?

"HOW CAN I PUT MYSELF AT RISK

TO LOSE EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE TO LOSE?"

BECAUSE WHEN YOU RISK LOSING EVERYTHING,

YOU INVARIABLY STAND TO GAIN EVERYTHING.

OKAY.

NOW'S THE TIME.

[SIGHS]

OH, I WROTE YOU A SCRIPT.

A SCRIPT?

YEAH, SO YOU KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

UM, DO YOU WANT TO PRACTICE?

OKAY, "TONYA,

THERE IS SOMETHING I NEED TO SAY TO YOU..."

[MUMBLING]

I CAN'T SAY THIS, AL.

IT'S HORRIBLE!

HOW IS "THIS ISN'T EASY FOR ME

"BECAUSE YOU'VE WORKED REALLY HARD

AND DONE SO MUCH FOR MY CAREER" HORRIBLE?

I'M TRYING TO SOFTEN THE BLOW HERE.

"BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING

WHEN I AGREED TO MARRY YOU?"

THAT'S A HIDEOUS THING TO SAY TO ANYBODY, AL.

FINE, NO SCRIPTS.

IT'S OKAY.

JUST IMPROV.

I CAN'T DO THIS.

YES, YOU CAN.

NO, I CAN'T.

I BELIEVE IN YOU.

YOU DO?

YEAH.

DANA, GO.

OKAY, OKAY.

I'LL GO.

[VOICES MURMURING]

KIT.

DR. BRADSHAW.

OH, IT'S SO LOVELY TO SEE YOU...

AND BETTE, I'M GLAD YOU DECIDED

TO OPEN YOURSELF UP.

DID YOU FIND IT ENLIGHTENING?

ACTUALLY, YOU SAID A FEW THINGS

THAT HIT HOME.

ONLY A FEW THINGS?

WELL, IT'S A FEW MORE THAN I WAS EXPECTING,

TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST.

WELL, TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS.

WHAT IN PARTICULAR RESONATED FOR YOU?

I GUESS THE COMMENTS THAT YOU MADE

ABOUT MAKING YOURSELF VULNERABLE.

MM-HMM, YOU WANT TO KNOW

HOW TO MAKE YOURSELF VULNERABLE TO TINA

SO THAT YOU AND SHE CAN RAISE A CHILD TOGETHER?

JESUS, HAVE YOU TOLD HIM EVERYTHING

THAT'S GOING ON IN MY LIFE?

WELL, I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

I JUST WANTED TO HELP.

GO TO HER TONIGHT,

WHEREVER SHE IS.

BRING HER FLOWERS...

IF POSSIBLE, FLOWERS YOU PICKED YOURSELF

RATHER THAN BOUGHT.

GIVE TINA THE FLOWERS

AND SAY, "YOU HOLD ALL THE CARDS."

NO MATTER WHAT SHE SAYS, SAY,

"YOU HOLD ALL THE CARDS."

IT IS MY PERSONAL BUSINESS.

I DON'T WANT SOME STRANGER

KNOWING MY PERSONAL BUSINESS,

ESPECIALLY SOMEBODY LIKE BENJAMIN BRADSHAW.

WELL, IF THERE'S ANYONE YOU SHOULD TRUST,

IT SHOULD BE BENJAMIN, HONEY.

HE'S A GOOD PERSON.

HE'S A FUCKING CIRCUS PERFORMER.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID

HE SAID SOMETHING THAT HIT HOME.

IT'S THE TECHNIQUE OF PEOPLE LIKE HIM.

THERE'S BOUND TO BE SOMETHING FOR EVERYBODY.

YOU KNOW, I FIND SOMETHING FOR ME

THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT BULLSHIT.

DOES THAT MEAN

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO THE ASSIGNMENT?

[TONYA]: POOKIE, WHERE ARE YOU?

GOD, YOUR LOCKER'S, LIKE, IN SIBERIA.

WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE A HARSH CONVERSATION

WITH SOMEBODY ABOUT THAT...

TONYA, THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO SAY.

ME TOO.

WHY DON'T YOU GO FIRST?

OKAY, TONYA.

YOU ARE AN AMAZING WOMAN.

YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE AT A TIME

WHEN I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO I REALLY WAS, AND...

YOU MADE ME FEEL SO WELL TAKEN CARE OF.

YOU HAD SUCH RESPECT FOR ME

THAT I STARTED LEARNING TO RESPECT MYSELF,

AND I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT,

OR STOP BEING THANKFUL...

BUT I THINK I CONFUSED IT WITH SOMETHING ELSE.

I KNOW I CONFUSED GRATITUDE WITH LOVE,

WHICH MEANS I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT YOU, BUT...

BUT I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT WE DON'T BELONG TOGETHER...

AND IN THE LONG RUN, I THINK...

I THINK WE'LL BOTH BE GLAD THAT WE REALIZED IT IN TIME,

BEFORE MAKING A HUGE MISTAKE LIKE GETTING MARRIED.

[RIVERS]: TONYA, TONYA, BABY,

I AM SO SORRY.

I HOPE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN WAITING LONG.

A FAN CORNERED ME IN THE HALLWAY.

COULD YOU GIVE US A MINUTE, PLEASE?

[SNIFFLES]

OH, MY GOD.

YOU TOLD HER?

TOLD ME WHAT?

SHE SEEMS TO BE TAKING IT WELL,

BUT THEN AGAIN,

PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES ARE SO EMOTIONLESS.

TONYA TOLD ME YOU WERE THE STRONG, STOIC TYPE

IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS,

BUT I THINK IT'S GOOD.

IN WHAT SITUATION?

[CLEARS THROAT]

DANA.

WELL, THIS IS WHAT I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

I AM SO SORRY.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED.

I COULDN'T HELP IT. IT JUST...

IT HAPPENED.

WHAT?

IT JUST HAPPENED.

LIGHTNING STRUCK.

THE SKIES PARTED.

I'VE SEEN THE LIGHT.

MISSY, NOW, YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE ME CRY.

OH, MY GOD.

ARE YOU EVEN GAY, MELISSA?

WELL, I LIKE TO THINK OF MYSELF

AS LABEL-FREE.

I MEAN, LOVE IS LOVE,

AND I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH TONYA THE PERSON,

NOT THE GENDER.

OH, SEE...

NOW, WE HAVE A LOT WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT,

BUT I THINK AT THIS POINT,

IT'S BEST TO LEAVE YOU

TO HAVE SOME TIME TO YOURSELF TO ABSORB.

AND I AM SO GRATEFUL

THAT ALICE AND SHANE ARE HERE

SO I DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT YOU.

I MEAN, A GIRL NEEDS HER FRIENDS

AT TIMES LIKE THIS.

YEAH.

OKAY.

NOW, I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET YOUR MOTHER.

[VOICES MURMURING]

TELL ME,

WHO WROTE YOUR GRANT PROPOSAL?

IT WAS SO MOVING.

I THINK I'M GOING TO COPY IT

FOR THE PEABODY FOUNDATION MISSION STATEMENT.

MY WIFE AND I WROTE IT.

MY EX-WIFE.

WE'VE BEEN DIVORCED FOR THREE YEARS.

HMM, AND YOU STILL WORK TOGETHER.

HOW PROGRESSIVE.

HELENA'S BEEN ON A RAMPAGE

ABOUT HEADQUARTERS FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE.

SHE'S ENCOURAGING US ALL

TO COME AND TAKE A TOUR OF YOUR FACILITIES.

AH.

WOULD YOU JUST EXCUSE ME?

MM-HMM.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

EXCUSE ME.

OH, I HAVE TO TAKE THIS.

HELLO?

DON'T THESE BORING, PRETENTIOUS DINNERS

MAKE YOU REALLY HORNY?

WHERE ARE YOU?

WAITING FOR YOU TO COME

AND SHOW ME ANOTHER SIDE OF TINA.

AND WHAT SIDE WOULD THAT BE?

THE SIDE THAT WANTS TO WALK AWAY FROM THAT TABLE

RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND.

I'LL BE WAITING FOR YOU BY THE POOL.

WHAT'S MY EXCUSE?

WHY DO YOU NEED AN EXCUSE?

WELL, BECAUSE...

NEVER APOLOGIZE.

NEVER EXPLAIN, TINA.

YOU KNOW,

I WAS SO FUCKING BORED UP THERE.

YOU WERE THE ONLY THING

THAT WASN'T BORING ME TO TEARS.

COME ON.

LET'S GO FOR A SWIM.

I DON'T HAVE A BATHING SUIT.

AND?

YOU'RE NOT TIMID, ARE YOU?

I HADN'T PEGGED YOU FOR BEING TIMID.

NO, I'M NOT TIMID.

IS IT BECAUSE OF BETTE?

I DON'T KNOW.

ALTHOUGH...

I'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD.

I LIKE THE IDEA OF BEING YOUR FIRST.

YOU KNOW, I WANTED TO SLEEP WITH YOU

FROM THE FIRST MOMENT

I SAW YOU.

I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.

THIS IS WHAT I FIND THE MOST BEAUTIFUL.

[KNOCKS]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

[♪♪♪]

[SNICKERS]