Original subtitles

PREVIOUSLY ON THE L WORD...

WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO BELIEVE

THAT EVERYONE IS SLEEPING WITH EVERYONE ELSE?

[WHISPERING] BECAUSE THEY ARE.

DO YOU KNOW THE NEIGHBORS NEXT DOOR?

ARE THEY, UM... A GAY COUPLE?

YEAH, THEY ARE.

BECAUSE I SAW THEM HAVING SEX IN THEIR POOL.

WE'RE HAVING A PARTY TOMORROW NIGHT.

YOU AND TIM SHOULD COME.

JENNY, THIS IS MARINA.

YOU GUYS SHOULD TOTALLY TAKE THE COSMO ROMANCE QUIZ.

[CHUCKLING]

WHERE ARE YOU?

I'M RIGHT HERE.

YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?

ARE YOU HAPPY?

DON'T ASK ME THAT.

WHY COULDN'T YOU STOP IT? WHY WAS IT SO HARD?

WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN US WAS A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

DID YOU HEAR WHAT SHE SAID?

WE NEED TO GET A DIVORCE.

ARE YOU FREE ON SATURDAY NIGHT?

I HAVE A DATE.

HAS SHE TOLD YOU

SHE'S A DYKE YET?

I SHOULD PROBABLY BE THE ONE TO GO.

GENE, NO. I SHOULD GO.

NO,

I DON'T WANT EITHER OF YOU TO LEAVE.

YOU EVER NOTICE

THAT EVERY TIME SHANE WALKS INTO A ROOM,

SOMEONE LEAVES CRYING?

I DON'T DO RELATIONSHIPS.

TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT.

IN TERMS OF WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR ME?

ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH HER?

YEAH.

LEARN TO KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS.

OPEN THE GATE!

I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!

IT WAS A DELUSION. YOU FELT THE SAME ABOUT ME.

THAT KIND OF LOVE DOES NOT EXIST.

WHAT DOES SHANE HAVE THAT I DON'T HAVE?

SHE HAS NIPPLE CONFIDENCE.

HEY!

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO BE ME.

SO GLAD TO MEET YOU. I'M TONYA, GUEST LIAISON.

I'M HERE TO TAKE CARE OF ALL YOUR NEEDS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE

I'M ABOUT TO GO DOWN ON DANA FAIRBANKS.

THAT GIRL HAS BAD FUCKING VIBES.

WHEN WILL YOU MAKE UP YOUR MIND BETWEEN DICK AND PUSSY?

I'M LOOKING FOR THE SAME QUALITIES IN A MAN

AS I AM IN A WOMAN.

BIG TITS.

WE'RE GETTING MARRIED.

YOU CAN'T MARRY TONYA.

LOOK, IF YOU EVER NEED ANYONE TO TALK TO,

GIVE ME A CALL.

SHE WANTS TO BE YOUR HUSBAND.

IF YOU WERE A MAN, YOU WOULD BE THE PERFECT MAN.

WOW.

LET'S MAKE A BABY.

I HAVE FOUND THE PERFECT DONOR.

HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME

THAT MARCUS ALLENWOOD IS BLACK?

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY.

I WAS UNABLE TO LOCATE A HEARTBEAT.

I WAS ONLY 12 WEEKS,

BUT I FEEL LIKE I LOST SOMEONE I WAS WITH MY WHOLE LIFE.

ALL I WANTED TO DO ALL DAY LONG IS KISS YOU.

I CAN'T.

YOU CAN'T WHAT, BABE?

TAKE ME SOMEWHERE.

I SAW IT.

I'M SORRY.

FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!

[♪♪♪]

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.

WHEN I DID THIS,

I THOUGHT I HAD A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF SECURITY.

WHETHER IT WORKED OR NOT...

I THOUGHT BETTE AND I WERE SOLID.

WHEN WERE YOU PLANNING TO TELL BETTE?

RIGHT ABOUT NOW...

IF EVERYTHING LOOKED LIKE IT WAS GOING TO GO WELL,

AND NOTHING WAS GOING TO GO WRONG

LIKE LAST TIME.

I DIDN'T THINK

BETTE COULD HANDLE ANOTHER MISCARRIAGE.

NO?

OH, MY.

WELL, LOOK AT YOU.

YEAH, IT SORT OF... JUST POPPED.

I'M NOT READY TO TELL ANYBODY.

I WANT TO KEEP IT TO MYSELF FOR A WHILE.

WELL, THAT'S NOT GOING TO BE EASY, MY DEAR.

LOOKS LIKE I'M HAVING THIS BABY ON MY OWN.

THAT'S A SHAME, TINA.

DON'T SAY THAT.

PEOPLE DO IT ALL THE TIME.

AND YOU'RE OKAY WITH THAT?

I WANT THIS BABY MORE THAN EVER.

[♪♪♪]

I WAS SO HAPPY TO HAVE YOU HERE.

HELLO?

HI.

HEY, WHERE DID YOU GO?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

DAMN IT.

WHY DID I GET THIS ASSIGNMENT?

I AM SO NOT A KNITTER.

WELL, IT'S CRAZY POPULAR,

AND ALL THE FAGS I KNOW ARE DOING IT.

EVEN SOME OF THE STRAIGHT BOYS, TOO.

RIGHT, SEE?

MEN SHOULD BE KNITTING,

AND WOMEN SHOULD BE RUNNING THE WORLD.

THAT'S HOW I SEE IT.

THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO WRITE

FOR L.A. MAGAZINE.

IT'S GOOD.

YEAH, GO FOR IT.

THEY'LL LOVE IT.

HOW'S TINA?

WELL, BETTE STILL HASN'T CALLED HER.

THERE'S SOMETHING REALLY WRONG

WHEN GOD LETS TWO PEOPLE WHO ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER

COME APART LIKE THAT.

YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?

WHAT?

THIS COFFEE TASTES LIKE POOPY SHIT.

WHERE'S MARINA?

I HAVEN'T SEEN HER FOR DAYS.

I HAVE NO IDEA.

ME NEITHER.

SO, LISTEN, DO YOU, UM...

WANT TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING, OR...

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR,

IF YOU'D LIKE TO TALK.

I'VE GOT NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.

SHANE.

WHAT?

OH, QUIT BEING SUCH A LEZ.

YOU'RE JUST BACK FROM CHERIE JAFFE LAND.

NOTHING'S CHANGED.

I'M STILL ME.

OH, SO YOU STILL LIVE BY THE CODE.

YOU DON'T DO RELATIONSHIPS.

IT'S NOT A CODE.

IT'S ME.

OH, SHIT.

OH, NO.

I CANNOT TAKE CRUELLA DE VIL THIS MORNING.

DO SOME...

PRETEND I'M UPSET.

PUT YOUR ARM AROUND ME.

I'LL JUST START SOBBING, AND, OBVIOUSLY,

IT'LL BE A REALLY INTIMATE MOMENT.

I MEAN, NO HALFWAY SENSITIVE PERSON

WOULD EVER DREAM OF INTERRUPTING.

OH, YOU GUYS.

THIS PLACE IS FALLING APART.

DID YOU GUYS HEAR WHAT HAPPENED TO MARINA?

WHAT?

A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN, COMPLETE AND TOTAL.

SHE HAD TO BE HOSPITALIZED.

SHE TRIED TO OFF HERSELF?

SHE CUT HER WRISTS AT THE BEL AIR HOTEL,

IN THE PENTHOUSE SUITE.

THAT'S HORRIBLE!

SHE WAS WEARING

THAT FABULOUS DOLCE & GABBANA SUIT,

THE MEN'S CUT.

WE SHOULD SEE HER.

TOO LATE.

SHE'S BACK IN MILAN.

SHE'S A CONTESSA, YOU KNOW.

I KNOW, SHE'S A CONTESSA.

MARINA'S A CONTESSA.

HONEY! HONEY.

HONEY, HONEY, COME HERE.

HI.

I WAS JUST TELLING THE GIRLS

HOW I ALMOST BECAME YOUR FUTURE EX-WIFE

LAST NIGHT.

I KIND OF FREAKED OUT WITH THE WEDDING PLANNERS.

EXCUSE ME,

WE NEED A GREEN TEA.

ICED.

ARE YOU OKAY?

HMM?

YEAH.

I'M FREAKED OUT ABOUT MARINA.

OH, YEAH.

THANK GOD FOR THE BELLBOY.

HE CAME IN RIGHT AS SHE WAS ABOUT TO JUMP.

WAIT, WAIT.

YOU SAID SHE SLIT HER WRISTS.

LOOK AT YOU, ALL SWEATY.

ISN'T IT CUTE

HOW SHE PERSPIRES SO MUCH?

SO HOW'S TINA?

HAS BETTE CALLED YET?

APPARENTLY,

SHE WALKED IN ON THEM IN THEIR VERY OWN BEDROOM.

OKAY, MISS INSIDE STORY,

HOW DID TINA FIND OUT?

WELL, ACTUALLY, TONYA,

SHE GUESSED,

BECAUSE SHE SAW THEM TOUCHING HANDS

AND THEN SHE KNEW EVERYTHING.

HOW COULD SHE TELL JUST BY SEEING THEM TOUCH HANDS?

WOMEN CAN DO THAT.

YEAH, ESPECIALLY DYKES.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT BETTE WAS THINKING.

I MEAN, YOU DON'T STEP OUT

ON A WOMAN LIKE TINA

FOR SOMEBODY WHO HAMMERS PLANKS

FOR A LIVING.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, TONYA?

THAT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN OKAY

IF CANDACE HAD A BETTER JOB?

GUYS, IT'S NOT OUR BUSINESS. BUT BETTE LOVES TINA.

THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

SO THEN THEY COULD JUST...

WHY CAN'T THEY WORK IT OUT?

BECAUSE IT'S A SEX THING, AND BETTE CAN'T HELP IT.

SO IF IT'S JUST A SEX THING,

THEN YOU CAN GET IT UNDER CONTROL, RIGHT?

WOMEN CAN CONTROL IT.

A MAN SOMETIMES CAN'T

BECAUSE THEY'RE CONTROLLED BY THEIR PECKERS.

THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN,

AND THIS IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE,

OR BETTE WOULD HAVE CALLED IT OFF.

BETTE IS STILL SCHTUPPING THE CARPENTER?

I FEEL SO AWFUL FOR TINA.

GUYS.

WELL, BETTE BETTER GET THAT PECKER UNDER CONTROL.

GUYS!

YOU KNOW THOSE SKINNY JAPANESE ONES?

THEY DON'T REALLY LOOK LIKE MUSHROOMS, YOU KNOW?

THEY KIND OF LOOK MORE LIKE NOODLES

OR SOMETHING.

I NEVER KNOW...

WHAT TO DO WITH THEM.

WHAT? OH, I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY.

WHAT WERE YOU SAYING?

AH, I WAS TALKING ABOUT MUSHROOMS.

RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

DO YOU LIKE MUSHROOMS?

SELECTIVELY.

YOU?

UM, THEY REALLY DO SCARE ME.

GOD, I REMEMBER IN THIRD GRADE

THERE WAS THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL.

GOD. GORGEOUS.

HER NAME WAS MIRIAM,

AND SHE HAD THIS WILD MUSHROOM,

AND JUST WAS IN HOSPITAL FOR, LIKE, THREE WEEKS,

AND HAD THIS ALLERGIC REACTION,

AND, GOD, SHE MISSED THE RELAY RACE...

WOW, I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY

SEEN ONIONS ON A STEM BEFORE.

DO THEY TASTE DIFFERENT?

SMELL THEM.

OH.

THAT'S VERY STRONG.

DO YOU WANT TO FUCK HER RIGHT HERE,

OR DO YOU BOTH

WANT TO COME BACK TO MY PLACE?

HMM?

GENE.

NO, NO, NO, I'M SORRY.

OKAY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

I DIDN'T PRESSURE YOU INTO THIS,

ALL RIGHT?

YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO KEEP SEEING ME,

SO...

YEAH, I KNOW.

I KNOW, AND I SAID THAT I LIKE YOU.

WELL, THAT'S REALLY NICE, YOU KNOW?

I LIKE YOU TOO...

BUT WE DON'T HAVE SEX.

OKAY? THERE IT IS.

I'D LIKE TO BE HAVING SEX

WITH THE WOMAN I COOK FOR,

MAKE MIX TAPES FOR YOU...

YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX, AND I KNOW WHY.

IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY, ALL RIGHT?

THAT'S IT.

I'M SORRY TO BREAK IT TO YOU,

BUT YOU ARE A GIRL-LOVING,

FULL-ON LESBIAN.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S FOR YOU TO SAY.

WELL, DEAL WITH IT,

ALL RIGHT?

GOOD LUCK.

ARE WE EVER GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS?

TALK ABOUT WHAT?

OKAY.

HOLD ON.

IT WAS A MISTAKE, RIGHT?

IF YOU SAY SO.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT YOU?

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY?

YOU WERE THE ONE WHO KISSED ME FIRST.

I KIND OF REMEMBER YOU KISSING ME BACK.

AFTER YOU STARTED IT.

SO IF I WAS TO KISS YOU AGAIN?

OH, YOU KNOW.

OH...

YOU KNOW.

OH, ALICE'LL KNOW.

ALICE, WHAT'S THE... BOOKING AGENCY,

NOT SMASH BOX, BUT YOU KNOW...

FRED SEGAL HAIR AND MAKEUP?

TONYA, LISTEN, IT'S COOL, ALL RIGHT?

THE AGENCY IS FINE.

THEY GOT ME A JOB.

[TINA]: WHO'S THE CLIENT?

UM, ARIANNA SOMEONE.

ARIANNA HUFFINGTON?

YEAH. SHE WROTE A BOOK.

SHE'S DOING A BOOK TOUR,

DAVID LETTERMAN, JAY LENO, BILL O'REILLY?

COME ON.

ARIANNA HUFFINGTON IS 50.

SHE'S NOT REALLY YOUR TYPE.

SHE'S KIND OF FANCY.

I'M DOING HER HAIR, AL. I'M NOT GOING TO FUCK HER.

OH, BECAUSE THE OLD SHANE WOULD HAVE.

OH.

WELL, IN THAT CASE, IF SHE'S HOT...

HONEY,

SHANE IS DOING ARIANNA HUFFINGTON.

YOU'RE DOING ARIANNA HUFFINGTON?

SHE'S 50, SHANE.

HER HAIR.

OH.

LOOK, IT'S GREAT, SHANE.

IT IS.

IF THINGS GO WELL WITH ARIANNA HUFFINGTON,

THEN MAYBE YOU CAN GET SOME FILM CLIENTS.

YOU COULD GO ON LOCATION.

YOU COULD TRAVEL.

YEAH, THAT WOULD BE COOL.

YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.

I'VE GOT TO GO, YOU GUYS.

DON'T WORRY,

I'M NOT GOING TO ASK TO JOIN YOU.

I KNOW THAT YOU ALL PROBABLY THINK I'M A MONSTER.

I JUST... I HAVE SOMETHING THAT I NEED TO SAY TO TINA.

DO YOU WANT US TO GO? NO.

IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, SAY IT HERE.

TINA...

I DIDN'T TRY TO SEE YOU OR CALL YOU UNTIL NOW

BECAUSE I WANTED TO MAKE SURE

THAT I COULD DO WHAT YOU ASKED OF ME.

I PROMISE

I AM NOT EVER GOING TO SEE HER AGAIN.

I AM NOT EVER GOING TO SPEAK TO HER AGAIN.

I AM NOT EVER GOING TO THINK ABOUT HER AGAIN.

I MISS YOU.

MORE THAN THAT.

I NEED YOU.

I DON'T THINK THAT I CAN...

I DON'T THINK THAT I CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOU.

IT IS COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY OVER.

WHEN DID YOU END IT?

THIS MORNING.

I TOLD HER THAT YOU WERE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE,

AND THAT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING,

AND THAT I MUST HAVE GONE TEMPORARILY INSANE.

DID YOU TELL HER IN PERSON OR ON THE PHONE?

WHY DOES THAT MATTER?

BECAUSE I DROVE BY THE HOUSE AT 2:00 A.M.,

AND YOUR CAR WASN'T THERE.

DID YOU FUCK ALL NIGHT

BEFORE YOU TOLD HER

I WAS THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE

THIS MORNING?

[GASPS]

SO RENTALS ARE THE CASH COW OF THE BUSINESS,

BUT MY REAL LOVE IS PICTURE CARS.

PICTURE CARS?

YEAH, FOR THE MOVIES.

OH, YEAH.

A DIRECTOR WILL COME IN AND TELL ME

HE WANTS TO PUT BILLY BOB

IN THE EXACT SOUPED-UP HEMI UNDER GLASS

BOB RIGGLE DROVE IN THE STOCK CAR RACES

IN JERSEY WHEN HE WAS A KID, YOU KNOW?

HE'LL WANT THE SLICKS AND THE SCOOPS

AND THE PINK PANTHER FLAMES,

EXACTLY LIKE HE REMEMBERS IT IN HIS HEAD.

IVAN, YOU ARE SPEAKING

A FOREIGN LANGUAGE TO ME...

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES TO A GIRL.

LET'S GO INSIDE.

I GOT SOMETHING I WANT TO SHOW YOU.

COME ON.

BY DRIVING INTO THE WALL

OF THE HOTEL PARKING GARAGE?

DOESN'T SOUND

LIKE A VERY SERIOUS SUICIDE ATTEMPT TO ME.

YEAH, BUT THAT'S THE TALK AT THE PLANET.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I FEEL SO BAD

BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW

SHE WAS HURTING THAT MUCH.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

LET GO AND LET GOD.

OH...

IVAN AYCOCK,

VINTAGE RESTORER TO THE STARS.

THAT'S THE BOMB.

I HAD NO IDEA.

THIS IS YOUR OFFICE.

LOOK, I INVITED YOU HERE

BECAUSE I HAVE A LITTLE PRESENT FOR YOU.

OH, IVAN, I-I...

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

OPEN IT.

OKAY.

THIS IS A KEY TO MY APARTMENT.

I LIVE TWO BLOCKS FROM THE PLANET.

I JUST WANT YOU TO FEEL FREE TO STOP BY

ANYTIME YOU NEED A BREAK FROM WORK.

OH, IVAN, IT'S NOT A DONE DEAL YET.

I STILL HAVE TO GO TO THE BANK TOMORROW

AND HAVE MY MEETING, AND THEN...

I HAVE A LOT TO WORK OUT WITH MARINA'S FAMILY.

HER MOM IS SOME KIND OF DAMN CONTESSA.

SHE MAY BE A CONTESSA,

BUT AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED...

KIT, YOU'RE A QUEEN.

DON'T YOU FORGET IT.

WHAT'S THIS ONE FOR?

THAT LOOKS LIKE MY CAR.

SORT OF.

I DID A LITTLE WORK ON IT.

A LITTLE?

A LITTLE RESTORATION

TO HELP YOU CELEBRATE

YOUR GETTING YOUR LICENSE RESTORED.

NO ONE'S EVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THAT FOR ME.

I-I DON'T KNOW HOW TO THANK YOU.

NOT YET.

WHY?

BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT SURE,

AND I WANT YOU TO BE SURE.

COME ON, GORGEOUS,

LET'S GO TAKE IT FOR A SPIN.

COME ON.

WOW.

OOH. OOH, YES.

OH, MY GOD.

IT LOOKS FABULOUS. OH...

WOW.

SO OBERLIN'S

SUPPOSED TO BE A REALLY GREAT SCHOOL.

YEAH, IT'S A GREAT TEAM.

COACH HASPEL.

YOU KNOW THEY WANT ME THERE A WEEK FROM MONDAY,

SO I FIGURED I'D GIVE MYSELF FIVE DAYS TO DRIVE TO OHIO.

RIGHT.

HEY, ARE YOU STILL GOING TO GET YOUR TEACHING CERTIFICATE?

MAYBE.

DID YOU FIND AN APARTMENT YET?

NO.

IT'S SO DEPRESSING, TIM.

YOU SHOULD STAY HERE.

TAKE OVER THE LEASE.

OH, NO.

I CAN'T AFFORD THE RENT ON THIS HOUSE.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR NEW JOB?

WAITRESSES AT HANK-59 DO NOT GET PAID THAT MUCH.

THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW THE RENT'S ALL PAID UP

THROUGH THE END OF THE MONTH.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YOU'D ACTUALLY LET ME STAY HERE?

YEAH, WHAT, I'M GOING TO

KICK YOU OUT ON PRINCIPLE?

ARE YOU SERIOUS,

TIM?

THAT WOULD BE AMAZING.

THE THING IS, I JUST...

I NEED TO FOCUS RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE I'M JUST, LIKE...

AND OKAY... CHARLOTTE BIRCH

IS TEACHING THIS MASTER CLASS AT C.U.,

AND I'M JUST TRYING TO GET IN, YOU KNOW.

WHATEVER.

I'M JUST HAVING THE WORST TIME WITH MY WRITING.

I'M JUST...

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M JUST FEELING KIND OF BLOCKED.

[KEYBOARD CLICKING]

HOW EVERY TIME ONE PERSON HAS SEX WITH ANOTHER PERSON,

EACH OF THEIR PREVIOUS SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS IS EVOKED,

HOW THAT LINKS US ALL

INTO AN INFINITE NETWORK OF HUMAN CONNECTIONS...

EACH OF THEIR PREVIOUS SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS IS EVOKED...

HOW THAT LINKS US

INTO AN INFINITE NETWORK OF HUMAN CONNECTIONS...

WHAT JANE UNDERSTOOD

WAS THAT HER PARENTS WERE FIGHTING AGAIN.

THEIR HUMAN CONNECTION,

TENUOUS THE NIGHT BEFORE,

NOW WEARING DANGEROUSLY THIN.

DON'T LEAVE.

HEY. HEY, BETTE.

HI, TIM.

I JUST WANT TO SAY GOODBYE.

OH, YEAH?

ARE YOU GOING SOMEWHERE?

OHIO.

OHIO? REALLY?

FOR HOW LONG?

I TOOK A JOB THERE.

I'M LEAVING THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW.

SO... GOOD LUCK.

SHIT, W... TIM.

I'M... I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE MOVING AWAY.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

IT'S FINE.

WAIT, YOU'RE MOVING TO OHIO FOR GOOD?

I DON'T KNOW

IF IT'S FOR GOOD,

BUT YEAH.

LOOK, I JUST...

I'M GLAD I GOT TO KNOW YOU.

I'M GLAD I GOT TO KNOW YOU TOO, TIM.

I'LL MISS YOU.

YEAH, WHO KNOWS,

MAYBE SOME OTHER POOR SUCKER WILL MOVE IN HERE

WITH HIS SEXUALLY CONFUSED GIRLFRIEND,

AND YOU CAN INTRODUCE THEM

TO ONE OF YOUR PREDATORY FRIENDS,

AND SHE CAN SEDUCE HER,

AND HIS WHOLE LIFE CAN FALL APART.

YOU KNOW, SHE TRIED TO KILL HERSELF.

SHE TRIED TO DRIVE HER CAR

OFF THE PCH OR SOMETHING.

MARINA?

I MEAN, I CAN'T BLAME YOU IF YOU'RE NOT SORRY FOR HER.

NO, I MEAN...

I WOULDN'T WISH THAT ON ANYONE.

YOU JUST...

YOU NEVER EXPECT YOUR LIFE

TO THROW YOU SO TOTALLY OFF PLAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YEAH. I THINK I DO.

IS TINA AROUND?

I'D REALLY LIKE TO SAY GOODBYE TO HER.

NO.

SHE'S NOT HERE.

WELL, IF I DON'T SEE HER,

WOULD YOU TELL HER I SAID GOODBYE?

YEAH, SURE.

HEY.

[♪♪♪]

HEY.

HEY.

I'M SHANE.

HI, SHANE. I'M ARIANNA.

HEY, ARIANNA.

I LIKE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING.

THANK YOU.

WHAT DO YOU DRESS FOR?

UH... UM... MYSELF...

AND THE GIRLIE SOMETIMES,

BUT MOSTLY ME.

SO YOU'RE GAY?

TOTALLY,

YES.

YOU KNOW,

I WAS AT A DINNER THE OTHER NIGHT,

AND SOMEONE SAID

THAT DYKES ARE THE NEW FAGS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?

I THINK PEOPLE LIKE CATEGORIZE THINGS

TOO MUCH.

SO, WHAT'S YOUR BOOK ABOUT?

THIS COUNTRY, POLITICS...

YEAH?

MY IDEAS ABOUT HOW TO MAKE THE WORLD BETTER.

GOOD FOR YOU.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, SHANE?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

UM, WELL, I HAVEN'T REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

WHAT ABOUT LOVE?

NO, LOVE'S A BITCH.

I'D RATHER JUST HAVE A GOOD TIME AND MOVE ON.

ALL RIGHT, MISS HUFFINGTON.

HERE'S YOUR SOY LATTE.

UM, CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?

NO, THANK YOU.

JUST LET ME KNOW

IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND.

I'M CARMEN.

HEY, CARMEN. HI.

I'M SHANE.

OKAY.

SEE YOU.

HEY. SORRY.

HI.

DON'T WORRY, I'LL BE FINE.

BUT I SHOULD BE HERE FOR YOU.

GO.

SO ANYWAY,

THIS IS MY DAY JOB.

LAST WEEK,

I P.A.ed AT A FISCHERSPOONER VIDEO.

COOL.

I KNOW. I DJ, TOO.

I DO LITTLE TEMPLE ON FRIDAYS,

AND THEN I DO A NIGHT OF OLD SCHOOL,

BODY WAVE, AND ELECTRO AT MRX

EVERY OTHER WEDNESDAY.

VERY COOL.

[LAUGHS]

SO, WHAT ABOUT YOU?

WHAT DO YOU DO

WHEN YOU'RE NOT DOING HAIR?

[LAUGHS]

WHAT DO I DO?

NOTHING MUCH.

HMM.

HANG OUT.

YEAH.

WHATEVER.

OH, YEAH, YEAH.

OKAY.

GOT IT.

WELL...

I'LL CATCH YOU LATER.

ALL RIGHT.

HEY, SHANE.

UM...

DO YOU WANT TO LISTEN

TO SOMETHING REALLY COOL?

[♪♪♪]

SO I HEARD THIS MIX

AT THE KNITTING FACTORY LAST WEEK,

AND, I MEAN, THIS IS...

THIS IS EXACTLY WHERE I WANT TO BE

IN, LIKE, FIVE YEARS FROM NOW.

I LIKE A GIRL WITH AMBITION.

FUCK YOU.

OKAY, IF YOU WANT.

WHERE DOES THIS LEAD?

OH, IT WAS FOR MY FATHER.

I NEVER MET HIM,

BUT... SUPPOSEDLY

HE WAS SOME KIND OF MAYAN MEDICINE MAN.

AND HOW COME YOU NEVER MET HIM?

HE DIED IN A MOTORCYCLE CRASH

BEFORE I WAS BORN.

OH.

FOLKS, I DON'T WANT ANY TALKING IN HERE,

ALL RIGHT?

WHAT IS GOING ON?

CAN SOMEBODY GET ME A 20 ON SHANE?

BOB, GO TO TWO FOR ME.

THAT'S BECAUSE I CALLED FINAL TOUCHES FIVE MINUTES AGO.

SO WHERE'S HAIR?

[♪♪♪]

HE'LL DO A LARGE SCALE PAINTING

FOR ONE OF THE LOBBY WALLS,

BASED ON JAPANESE ANIME.

IT'S AN ILLICIT EXTERIOR...

GO ON. I'M LISTENING.

I'M LISTENING.

AN ILLICIT EXTERIOR INSTALLATION

JUST BELOW

THE SAWTELLE-405 FREEWAY OVERPASS.

YOU KNOW,

I SAW NOBLE'S PERFORMANCE PIECE

WHERE HE CRAWLED NAKED ACROSS A TABLE RANTING

ABOUT HIS WEAKNESS AND PERFIDY.

WHO DO YOU THINK'S GOING TO FUND THAT?

I APPLIED

TO THE AHMANSON FOUNDATION.

NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

THEY'RE WAY TOO CONSERVATIVE.

NO!

THIS IS, LIKE, THE FIFTH TIME SHE'S CALLED.

YOU TELL HER

TO FUCKING STOP CALLING.

[SIGHS]

APPLY TO THE PEABODY FOUNDATION.

THEY MIGHT FUND A NOBLE PROJECT.

[SIGHS]

OKAY, SO YOU DO NUMBER THREE,

AND THEN WE'LL TAKE TWO AND FIVE.

OKAY? OKAY.

YES.

HELLO. HOW ARE YOU? MAY I PLEASE TAKE YOUR ORDER?

WE HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS.

ARE THE BURGERS

MADE WITH NEW ZEALAND OR AMERICAN BEEF,

I'D LIKE TO SUBSTITUTE

FETA CHEESE FOR THE AMERICAN CHEESE,

AND MIXED GREENS FOR THE FRIES.

WILL YOU PLEASE EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND?

I WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

WE'D LIKE TO ORDER.

OKAY.

HEY.

HI. WHAT'S GOING ON?

OH, I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE OKAY.

I'M OKAY.

I MEAN, I'M GOING TO BE A SHITTY WAITRESS,

BUT I'M OKAY, YOU KNOW?

YOU HAVEN'T HEARD, OBVIOUSLY.

HAVEN'T HEARD WHAT?

MARINA TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE.

YEAH.

SHE CHECKED INTO THE BEL AIR HOTEL,

THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE.

YOU SAID TRIED.

SHE DIDN'T... KILL HERSELF.

APPARENTLY,

THE PEOPLE ACROSS THE HALL HEARD SHOUTING.

THEY THOUGHT A WOMAN WAS GETTING HURT,

SO THEY CALLED THE FRONT DESK.

THE BELLBOY FOUND MARINA

ALONE IN THE ROOM

WITH, LIKE, THREE BOTTLES OF PILLS,

TOTALLY OUT OF HER SKULL.

OH, POOR MARINA.

THEY CALLED ME.

[LAUGHS]

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

I GUESS MY PHONE NUMBER WAS IN HER PURSE.

I MANAGED TO FIND HER MOTHER.

I REMEMBERED MARINA TELLING ME SHE LIVES IN UMBRIA, SO...

IN A VILLA.

JEN, I FEEL LIKE MAYBE I SHOULDN'T SAY THIS,

BUT WHEN I GOT TO THE HOSPITAL...

SHE WAS CALLING YOUR NAME.

MISS, WE'D LIKE TO ORDER.

POOKIE, YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.

WHOA.

LOOK AT THIS.

THAT?

ISN'T THIS BEAUTIFUL?

THE JURA-CAPRESSO S8 ESPRESSO COFFEEMAKER.

$1,999!

TONYA,

WE CAN'T REGISTER FOR THAT!

WELL...

A FEW PEOPLE MIGHT CHIP IN TOGETHER.

DANA, DO NOT SECOND-GUESS

THE GENEROSITY OF OUR FRIENDS.

NOW, LOOK, I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING

AT GEARY'S.

[CELLPHONE RINGING]

HELLO.

THIS IS DANA FAIRBANKS.

HI! YEAH, HI.

UM... I THINK WE SHOULD TALK.

UH-HUH.

IT'S ROBBIE,

MY OLD TENNIS PARTNER BEFORE HARRISON.

I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU.

WHERE? WHEN?

[TONYA]: HONEY, LOOK.

I THINK WE NEED TO THINK

ABOUT SOME CUT CRYSTAL.

OKAY, UH-HUH.

ALL RIGHT.

HOW ABOUT TOMORROW MORNING AT RUNYON CANYON?

HOW ABOUT I MEET YOU AT THE GATE AT 10:30?

IT'S A LITTLE EARLY.

OKAY, 11:00.11:00 IS FINE.

OKAY, BUT, YOU KNOW,

WITH TRAFFIC, IT MIGHT...

THE 405...

UM...

4:00 IS GOOD.

4:00 IN THE AFTERNOON.

I'LL SEE YOU AT 4:00 IN THE AFTERNOON.

OKAY.

OKAY, BYE.

THAT'S OKAY, KNIT...

KNIT AWAY.

I'M JUST TALKING...

TALKING ON THE PHONE.

DEAR...

I DON'T THINK

YOU'RE GOING TO BE ABLE TO GET

ANYBODY'S HEAD THROUGH THAT THING.

YOU KNOW, THOUGH,

I THINK THIS WOULD MAKE A REALLY GOOD HARNESS

FOR A STRAP-ON DILDO.

WE COULD AT LEAST PRETEND TO BE HUMAN.

LET ME TALK TO TINA.

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?

THAT MY SISTER IS A POOTY-CHASING DOG

WHO DESERVES TO BE TIED DOWN

AND WHUPPED UPSIDE THE HEAD,

BUT IT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT

THAT SHE LOVES YOU MORE THAN SHE LOVES HER OWN LIFE,

AND THAT YOU SHOULD FINISH PUNISHING HER

AND GET BACK TO FIGURING OUT

HOW TO LIVE WITH ONE ANOTHER

FOR THE NEXT 50 YEARS OR MORE.

YOU COULD GIVE IT A TRY.

NOW, DON'T YOU GO AND PULL A MARINA ON ME, NOW.

KIT.

I'M JUST SAYING.

[SIGHS]

I READ YOUR BUSINESS PLAN.

IT'S SOLID.

I'M HAPPY TO CO-SIGN ON THE LOAN.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE DOWN PAYMENT?

KIT, I DON'T HAVE $50,000.

NOT LIQUID.

NOT THAT I CAN GET MY HANDS ON.

IVAN'S ABOUT THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD POSS...

IVAN IS NOT A GOOD IDEA.

WHY IS THAT?

BECAUSE IT FURTHER CONFUSES

AN ALREADY COMPLICATED SITUATION.

YOU INVITE IVAN TO BE YOUR BUSINESS PARTNER,

AND THEN IVAN TAKES THAT AS A BROADER INVITATION.

THAT IS SO TYPICAL OF YOU.

I HAVE AN IMPOSSIBLE TASK TO DO,

AND I COME UP WITH ONE POSSIBLE SOLUTION,

AND YOU DISS MY SOLUTION.

I'M NOT DISSING YOU.

THEN, WHAT DO YOU CALL IT, THEN?

I'M POINTING OUT A CONSIDERABLE FLAW

IN WHAT MAY OR MAY NOT

BE A SOLUTION IN THE FIRST PLACE.

WELL, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK

I DON'T WANT TO MAKE THAT INVITATION?

BECAUSE, KIT...

YOU'RE STRAIGHT.

WHO SAYS?

YOU'RE NOT?

I AM,

BUT I DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME THAT,

AND NEITHER DOES IVAN.

THE WAY I SEE IT,

IVAN IS THE ONE WHO GETS TO SAY

WHETHER HE'S A MAN OR A WOMAN,

AND HE'S TELLING ME HE'S MORE OF A MAN.

THAT'S DELUSIONAL THINKING.

IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.

MAYBE IN THE WORLD ACCORDING TO BETTE,

BUT THE WORLD ACCORDING TO BETTE

DOESN'T HAVE THE SAME PROPS IT ONCE DID.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, BABY SIS?

YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, JEN.

SHE WASN'T RIGHT.

I KNEW IT

FROM THE MOMENT I MET HER, YOU KNOW?

SCOOT OVER.

ARE YOU SURE

YOU DON'T NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL?

I'M FINE.

YEAH?

YEAH, I'M FINE.

I FAINTED.

I DO THAT SOMETIMES.

IT'S FINE.

I HOPE SOMEONE'S LOOKING AFTER HER.

SOMEONE'S LOOKING AFTER YOU.

HOW'S THAT?

MY MOM USED TO PUT THESE COMPRESSES ON MY FOREHEAD.

DON'T TELL ME I REMIND YOU OF A DYSFUNCTIONAL MOTHER.

NO, I DON'T KNOW

IF SHE WAS DYSFUNCTIONAL, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, WHO CAN SAY IF A MOM'S GOOD OR BAD?

HOW'S YOUR APARTMENT HUNT COMING?

[GASPS]

SO SHITTY.

FOR PRACTICALLY, LIKE, $1,000,

I CAN LIVE IN A HOVEL UNDERNEATH THE FREEWAY.

TIM WAS LIKE,

"YOU COULD TAKE OVER THE LEASE,"

BUT THERE'S NO WAY THAT I COULD AFFORD IT, SO...

I HAVE A PROPOSITION FOR YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU MOVE IN

WITH ME?

YOU KNOW, IT'S TOTALLY RENT CONTROLLED,

TWO BEDROOM.

I AFFORD IT EASILY.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY.

I CAN'T.

I THINK WE COULD BE HAPPY, JEN.

SO, WHAT'S UP?

I WANTED TO ASK

IF YOU COULD BE OUT OF THE HOUSE

FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS TONIGHT.

UH-HUH.

BECAUSE TINA NEEDS TO COME BY

AND PICK UP SOME OF HER THINGS.

SHE'S RUNNING OUT OF CLOTHES.

IT'S HER HOUSE.

SHE CAN COME BY ANY TIME SHE WANTS.

YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE.

[SIGHS]

YOU KNOW,

WHAT I DID, ALICE,

I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF.

BECAUSE... IT'S KIND OF AN ACT OF FREE WILL.

YOU KNOW, I EXHAUSTED EVERY OUNCE OF WILL I HAD,

AND I STILL COULDN'T STOP MYSELF.

DID YOU FALL IN LOVE?

NO. I LOVE TINA.

TINA IS THE ONLY PERSON THAT I'M IN LOVE WITH.

BUT YOU'RE STILL SITTING ON CANDY'S FACE.

ACTUALLY, I'M NOT.

I TOLD YOU,

I ENDED IT AS SOON AS I COULD.

AS SOON AS YOU COULD?

WHAT ARE YOU, LIKE, A SEX ADDICT NOW?

NO, I'M NOT A SEX ADDICT.

JESUS, ALICE.

YOU KNOW, I THINK CALLING SEX AN ADDICTION

IS JUST AN EXCUSE FOR BAD BEHAVIOR,

AND I KNOW THAT I BEHAVED BADLY,

BUT I'M PREPARED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT.

NO, YOU BEHAVED REALLY BADLY.

I KNOW THAT IT SOUNDS LIKE AN EXCUSE,

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE FACT IS, SHE DISAPPEARED ON ME.

SHE WAS DEPRESSED

AND SHE WAS COMPLETELY WRAPPED UP IN HERSELF,

AND I TRIED TO TALK TO HER ABOUT IT,

BUT SHE... SHE COMPLETELY SHUT ME OUT.

FOR HOW LONG?

TWO OR THREE MONTHS.

OUT OF SEVEN YEARS.

I THINK YOU COULD HAVE WAITED.

SHE ABANDONED ME AS MUCH AS I ABANDONED HER.

WE BOTH DID IT.

YEAH, BUT ONLY ONE OF YOU WAS HAVING AN ORGASM.

[SIGHS]

FUCK YOU, ALICE.

JUST BE OUT OF THE HOUSE.

[BEEP]

[INTERCOM LINE RINGING]

[LOUD COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

IVAN, IT'S ME.

I'M A LITTLE EARLY.

IN FACT, I'M A LOT EARLY.

I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING

AND... THAT I'M VERY NERVOUS ABOUT,

BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN SO GENEROUS...

I...

IVAN, I... I AM SO SORRY.

LOOK, I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.

KIT.

I'LL WAIT FOR YOU IN THE OTHER ROOM.

KIT, I THINK YOU SHOULD GO.

LOOK, IVAN, I WILL WAIT UNTIL YOU GET DRESSED, OKAY?

I REALLY NEED TO TALK TO YOU

BECAUSE THIS THING THAT HAPPENED...

KIT! LISTEN, OKAY?

I WANT YOU TO LEAVE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

GO.

FUCK!

OH, SHIT.

SO YOU WERE SAYING?

WELL, I WAS SAYING

IT'S OBVIOUS

THERE'S SOMETHING GOING ON BETWEEN US.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS?

I DON'T KNOW.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS?

MAYBE... I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE WE'RE ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER.

YEAH, MAYBE.

YEAH.

YEAH, OKAY.

MAYBE IF WE ADMIT

THAT WE'RE ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER...

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES ADMITTING A TABOO

TAKES THE POWER OUT OF IT.

I ADMIT IT.

I'M ATTRACTED TO YOU.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN?

I DON'T KNOW.

I NEVER REALIZED IT BEFORE.

OKAY, GO ON.

IT'S YOUR TURN.

I ADMIT I'M ATTRACTED TO YOU.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

WELL, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO MEAN ANYTHING.

I MEAN, BEING ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE IS NO BIG DEAL.

IT'S JUST AN ATTRACTION.

RIGHT.

WE JUST...

WE HAVE TO AGREE NOT TO ACT ON IT.

OKAY, HOW DO WE DO THAT?

WELL, WE JUST TOOK THE FIRST STEP.

WE TOOK THE POWER OUT OF IT.

UH-HUH.

I THINK WE NEED

TO TAKE THE SECOND STEP.

YEAH.

YEAH.

OKAY.

WE NEED TO COUNTERACT IT.

ALL RIGHT.

WE JUST NEED TO AVOID ALL SITUATIONS

WHERE WE FIND EACH OTHER MOST ATTRACTIVE.

UH-HUH.

WE NEED, LIKE, RULES OF UN-ATTRACTION.

OKAY, LIKE, NEVER BE ALONE TOGETHER...

IN PLACES LIKE THE BATHROOM AT THE PLANET.

RIGHT.

NEVER BE ALONE TOGETHER.

ESPECIALLY NEVER BE ALONE TOGETHER IN PLACES

WHERE THERE'S, LIKE, A BED OR A COUCH.

RIGHT, OR A TABLE...

OR A FLOOR.

YEAH.

OR THE BACK SEAT OF A CAR.

OOH, THAT'D BE GOOD.

THAT WOULDN'T BE GOOD.

OKAY.

YOU NEED TO STOP SHOWING UP AT THE PLANET

AFTER YOU'VE WORKED OUT,

WHEN YOU'RE ALL SWEATY,

AND YOUR VEINS

ARE POPPING ALL OVER THE PLACE.

YOU LIKE THAT?

TONYA HATES THAT.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, THEN,

YOU CAN'T WEAR THOSE SHIRTS ANYMORE.

WHAT SHIRTS?

YOU KNOW, THE ONES WHERE...

THEY CLING TO YOU IN SOME PLACES

AND FALL OFF YOU IN OTHERS.

FUCK YOU.

OKAY, THAT'S TOTALLY AGAINST THE RULES.

COME ON, AL.

WAIT!

COME ON, AL. CATCH UP.

COME ON, AL. [SCREAMS]

WHOA, WHERE ARE WE GOING?

[BOTH LAUGH]

TIM...

THANKS.

I'D LIKE TO KEEP THIS ONE.

I DON'T WANT THE MEMORY OF US TO EVANESCE.

[CHUCKLES]

LET'S NOT EVANESCE.

[KEYS RATTLE, DOOR UNLOCKS]

I NEEDED TO SEE YOU.

YOU DON'T WANT TO GIVE ME ANYTHING I NEED.

OKAY, THAT'S FAIR.

NOTHING'S FAIR, BETTE.

YOU BROKE EVERYTHING THAT MEANT ANYTHING TO ME.

LET ME FIX IT.

NO.

I WON'T ACCEPT THAT.

TOO BAD.

[SIGHS]

LOOK, I OVERESTIMATED MYSELF, ALL RIGHT?

SUPPORTING US BOTH FINANCIALLY,

AND THEN...

AND THEN WHEN WE LOST THE BABY,

I THOUGHT

THAT I HAD TO TAKE ON THE WHOLE BURDEN.

I THOUGHT THAT I HAD TO ABSORB YOUR PAIN

AND IGNORE MY OWN.

WELL, I HOPE YOU HAD FUN

BLOWING OFF SOME STEAM WITH THE CARPENTER.

TINA!

[♪♪♪]

HEY.

HI.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

UM, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, NOT TOO GOOD.

YEAH.

LOOK, I'M SORRY.

DON'T BE SORRY, YOU KNOW?

JUST TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON.

I JUST WANTED TO HAVE A GOOD TIME TONIGHT.

I DIDN'T THINK I'D SEE YOU.

OKAY, BUT...

HERE I AM.

YOU DON'T THINK

THAT YOU COULD'VE CHANGED YOUR PLAN A LITTLE BIT?

I DON'T HAVE A PLAN.

THAT'S THE POINT.

MM.

[SHOES CLUNK ON FLOOR]

[UNZIPPING]

[WHISPERS] JEN.

[LOUDER] JEN.

TIM...

COME ON.

NO.

I DON'T... THIS SEEMS WRONG.

I DON'T THINK THIS IS THE WAY WE SHOULD...

IT'S NOT THE WAY.

DOES THAT FEEL GOOD?

MM, YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GOING TO GO.

I DON'T WANT TO WAIT UNTIL THE MORNING.

TIM.

PLEASE.

DON'T LEAVE.

[KETTLE WHISTLING]

AAH!

FUCK... FUCK!

[WHISTLING STOPS]

[♪♪♪]

[MEOWS]

[PURRS]