Original subtitles

I don't know.

Just come out.

I prefer the last one.

Me, too. It's a bit more subtle. - Elegant, yeah.

It's these bits, isn't it? - Yep. Yeah. Last one, definitely.

Yep. Great.

I'm really pleased with that. - Yeah.

Once it's nipped in there. - Oh, it'll perfect.

His arms.

Do you prefer weddings or funerals?

Weddings. His arms.

I think there's something humbling about funerals.

Really? - Yeah, it's good to dwell on the next life.

You really think there's a next life?

What do you believe? Worm food?

Mm. - Why?

Why what? His neck.

Why would you believe in something awful

when you can believe in something wonderful?

Oh, don't make me an optimist.

You will ruin my life.

Have you been to many funerals? - A couple.

His neck. - And you never felt them go somewhere?

No, they were already gone. His beautiful neck.

What?

What? - You just said, "His beautiful neck."

No, I, no, I-I said th-that they were already gone.

OK. Weird.

Oh, right, so...

This might be your idea of Hell

but I think it's kind of special.

His beautiful neck.

Quaker meeting.

You're not allowed to speak.

If the Spirit moves you to speak

you have to stand up and share it with everyone.

It's very intense.

It's very quiet.

It's very, very...

erotic.

Oh.

I think...

I'm going to go home in November.

I think.

What's he thinking?

What's he thinking?

I don't really think it's... I'm not really feeling... the...

it's not anything that's really affecting me...

Oh, my...

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. What am I gonna say?

What am I gonna say? What am I...

I sometimes worry

that I wouldn't be such a feminist if I had bigger tits.

Well, it's good you felt something.

Is it? - Something moved you.

I'm not sure I needed to be moved

to discover that about myself.

What were you thinking?

Well, I was thinking about how peaceful I felt

and then, for some reason, I was thinking about your tits

which kind of ruined it.

Oh, my tits ruined your peace? - Yeah, you could say that.

I should probably...

...open the café actually, um... - I've got a confession actually

actually in a little bit... Oh, can I see it?

Uh...

Oh. Uh, yeah. It's a bit...

What?

It's a bit... - What?

The fuck?

Wow.

Hello.

Oh, you gorgeous little thing.

Can I ask, um...

why so many guinea pigs?

Oh, um, I just, um...

This is an excellent one.

I just thought it'd be a unique selling point.

Yeah.

Which came first, the guinea pig or the guinea pig café?

That is a big old question.

Fair enough.

What do guinea pigs do? - Um, they are born

they shit themselves with fear, and then they die.

Can I use that at the wedding?

Seriously, I need material.

Tell me about your stepmother-to-be.

Any, uh... what's she like?

Oh, she's, um...

she's from Exeter.

Mm-hmm.

OK, thank you. That's very helpful.

How did she meet your dad?

Through my mother. - Right.

She was my mother's student at one point.

Do your parents get on?

No. Were you close to your mum?

Yeah. You?

Not really.

How come? - So that must've been a bit weird.

Well, I don't really think about it.

So you run... no, no. - So do you go back a lot to...

Do you run this place on your own?

No, I opened it with a friend.

Oh, cool, right. So you run it together?

No, she's...

She, uh...

She what?

What? - What?

She, she what?

She...

He's a bit annoying, actually. - What is that?

What?

That thing that you're doing.

It's like you disappear. - What?

What are you not telling me? - Nothing.

Tell me what's going on underneath there. - Nothing.

Tell me, come on. You can tell me. - No.

Nothing. Nothing! - Ah! What are you doing?

No, stop being so churchy.

I'm not being churchy, I'm just trying to get to know you.

Well, I don't want that.

Listen, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just trying to help you.

What?

No. No, I didn't mean...

Oh, I know what you mean, Father.

Thank you so much for your guidance.

Come on, I didn't, I didn't mean...

Oh, look, I really should get back to work.

A customer's bound to turn up any minute.

And you should probably be getting back to God

don't you think?

I think you've played with my guinea pig long enough.

OK.

Alright, bye.

Sorry, girls, people are starting to arrive.

She was a spectacular woman.

Don't worry.

We can sort this out.

Stop doing that to your face.

No, I have to.

I don't know what's wrong. I just...

I look so good.

It's OK. We can sort it out.

Just take some of your makeup off.

I'm not wearing any makeup.

What?

What has happened?

I have never seen you... - No, I don't know.

...look so good. - I just woke up looking amazing

and then everyone's gonna think I got a fucking facial

for my mother's funeral.

Oh, what the hell?

You look incredible. - We're trying to mess her up.

Just no matter what I do with my hair

it just keeps falling in this really chic way.

Oh, God.

You look perfect.

Thank you.

Sorry, girls, people are starting to arrive.

Thank you. - You don't have to greet them if it's too...

Gosh, you look gorgeous.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry. - Thank you.

You look glorious. - Thank you.

Have you spoken to Dad? - No, not yet.

He's avoiding me.

My deepest condolences, girls.

She was magnificent.

Thanks so much. - Thank you so much.

My God, you look well.

Thank you. Have you?

No, he's not really engaging.

She was a spectacular woman.

Thanks.

Darling, you look wonderful.

Oh, my God.

- Hi, Claire. - Hi.

Gosh, grief clearly agrees with you.

Thank you, Jeremy.

Oh, incoming.

How are you doing?

My God, she's shameless.

Can you not think the fucking worst of someone

for just a split fucking second?

Not everyone is after cock.

She's definitely trying to fuck my dad.

Well, she ain't made of wood.

Do you want a ciggy?

Oh, incoming.

- Hi, Harry. - Hi, hi.

You OK? - Mm-hmm.

You? Do you need anything?

Uh, no, I'm good, thanks. I've just had a large glass of water.

Are your trousers OK?

I... sorry, I-I left them in the dryer.

Oh, mate.

Oh, sh-shit. Sorry.

It's OK.

Funerals, when you actually knew the person, they're so...

Oh.

It just doesn't feel real. I...

I'm just gonna miss her so much.

Have you, have you cried yet?

Yes.

Well, I didn't see you cr...

Wow, you look...

Have... have you had your eyebrows done?

Hi, girls. How are you doing?

Alright. - I'm good, thanks.

You know, the hard bit's gonna come

in a few weeks, when it all calms down.

Yeah, I have heard. - They do say that, yeah, yeah.

When people start to forget

and the cards and the flowers stop turning up.

Yeah. - Uh-huh, yeah.

And people just disappear

because it spooks them to be around someone

perpetually in pain.

OK. - Right.

And your lovely boyfriends might not be able to cope.

Oh, well, he's my husband, so... - I'm sure they'll push through.

But I just want you to know that I will always be there for you

always.

Always. - Thank you.

Always.

Always.

I'm gonna check on the sausage rolls.

OK.

See?

- OK. - Yeah.

Hey. - I don't know how you're eating.

Do something.

Hi.

Oh. Hello, darling.

- Bit tight. - Oh, yeah.

Tell me about it.

I found her very difficult, you know?

I know.

I... I loved her, but, um...

That's all that really matters. - No, I don't think it is.

Her instincts were, you know

she... she just knew how to be fun.

How to be kind.

She just knew.

I'm just guessing.

You're fun, Dad.

No, I didn't like that about her, you see.

I loved her, but I didn't like that she was...

For a long time, I...

And today...

I was jealous of her.

Uh-huh.

That is a lovely thing to say, really.

Oh, sorry.

I'll leave you two.

She's a bit annoying, isn't she?

Mm. - Hmm.

Look, let's go and find your sister.

No, I don't think she wants to see me. - Yeah, she loves you.

She just didn't get the fun gene.

Yeah.

I just...

I don't know what to do. - I know.

I know.

Buck up.

Smile. Charm.

Off we go.

We'll be OK.

I'll follow you.

You look lovely, by the way.

Thank you.

I don't know what to do with it.

With what?

With all the love I have for her.

I don't know where to...

put it now.

I'll take it.

No, I'm serious. It sounds lovely.

I'll have it.

You have to give it to me.

OK.

It's got to go somewhere.

♪ Queen of the underground, arrive in my stretch ♪

♪ And my diamond-studded crown ♪

♪ On my red velvet throne, gold sceptre and gown ♪

♪ My feet don't make a sound ♪

♪ Cause they never touch the ground ♪

♪ Living the life most people only dream of ♪

♪ Start my day off with a blunt ♪

♪ Catch a nice buzz ♪

♪ Gather my crew, hit the mic ♪

♪ With my money flow ♪

♪ Making more gold with my words ♪

♪ Than King Midas though ♪

♪ Oh, ever since I learned how to... ♪

Oh, fuck. Fuck! Jesus!

Whoa, why are you awake?

It's 9:45. - Oh, my God.

I thought you were just in my head then.

But, I mean, you were in my head then.

But now you're there.

Are you OK, Father?

Oh, fuck you calling me Father

like it doesn't turn you on just to say it.

Do you want a drink?

OK.

Don't move.

Are you a nostalgic person?

Yeah.

Do you like Winnie the Pooh?

Yeah.

I-I fucking love Winnie the Pooh.

I can't read a Winnie the Pooh quote without crying.

Fuck.

Piglet.

Piglet.

Why are you here?

Sorry, but, I mean, why-why are you...

Were you looking for me?

I was on the verge of having a little prayer actually.

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't...

Don't you dare. That's my thing.

What were you praying about?

Please say you were praying for me.

I could do with the extra pair of hands.

Mine don't seem to have the fucking reach anymore.

God help me.

Whoa!

Thank you.

Do you know there was a man who wanted to be a saint so badly

he castrated himself just to stop himself...

you know... whack!

Wow.

Here's to peace.

And those who get in the way of it.

I'm sorry about today.

Forget it.

Look at this.

Look at it.

That's the first one I ever got.

Went all the way to Rome for that.

Such a nerd.

Two years before I was even allowed to wear it

but I just... I couldn't wait.

I couldn't wait.

I knew I wanted a bold, you know, this colour

but proper plum.

You can only get proper plum in Italy.

Sometimes I worry I'm only in it for the outfits.

So beautiful, isn't it?

I mean, your stuff is lovely, too.

Hmm.

What were you praying about?

You don't like answering questions, do you?

OK.

Come with me.

I know what to do with you.

You go in there, I go in there.

And you make me tell you all my secrets

so you can ultimately trap and control me?

Yeah.

No. You tell me what's weighing on your heart

and I listen without judgment and in complete confidence.

- Sounds dodgy. - I just listen.

At the very least, it'll shut me up for a minute.

I'm not Catholic. - Tonight, that doesn't matter.

Won't I catch fire or something?

If you did, it would confirm my faith, so let's try it.

Go on.

Go on.

Alright.

OK, now you say

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned..."

- I'm not gonna say that. - What? Very good.

"It's been..." uh, enter days, years, months

"...since my last confession." - Mm-mm.

Then I say, "That's OK," blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah

till you tell me what's on your mind.

Tell me your s...

Sins.

Sins. If you want.

Why would I tell you my sins? - Because it will make you feel better.

And because...

I want to know!

OK.

I lied.

OK.

To you.

About?

About the miscarriage.

I was just covering for my sister, who actually had the miscarriage

because her husband didn't know she was pregnant, and it just...

OK.

Keep going.

Well, I've stolen things.

I've had a lot of sex outside of marriage.

And once or twice inside someone else's.

Uh, there's been a spot of sodomy.

Then, much masturbation

a bit of violence, and of course the endless fucking blasphemy.

And?

And...

Go on.

And...

I...

I can't.

It's OK. Go on.

Frightened.

Of what?

Forgetting things.

People.

Forgetting people.

And I'm ashamed of not knowing

what I... - What you want?

It's OK not to know what you want.

No, I know what I want.

I know exactly what I want, right now.

What's that?

It's bad.

It's OK.

I want someone to tell me what to wear in the morning.

OK, well, I think there are people who can...

No, I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning.

I want someone to tell me what to eat.

What to like, what to hate, what to rage about.

What to listen to, what band to like.

What to buy tickets for.

What to joke about, what not to joke about.

I want someone to tell me what to believe in.

Who to vote for and who to love and how to...

tell them.

I just think I want someone to tell me...

how to live my life, Father, because so far

I think I've been getting it wrong.

But I know that's why people want people like you in their lives

because you just tell them how to do it.

You just tell them what to do

and what they'll get out of the end of it

even though I don't believe your bullshit.

And I know that scientifically nothing that I do

makes any difference in the end anyway.

I'm still scared.

Why am I still scared?

So just tell me what to do.

Just fucking tell me what to do, Father.

Kneel.

What?

Kneel.

Just kneel.

♪ Kyrie ♪

♪ Christe ♪

♪ Kyrie, Christe ♪

♪ Kyrie eleison ♪

♪ Christe eleison ♪

♪ Kyrie eleison ♪

♪ Christe eleison ♪

♪ Kyrie eleison ♪

♪ Kyrie eleison ♪

This is a skirt and trousers?

Sorry, sorry.

♪ Kyrie ♪