Original subtitles

A NETFLIX SERIES

That's right.

We are a disaster. We need to deconstruct.

But then, what do women want?

I mean, what do women actually want?

Who are they dying to get into their bed?

The deconstructed guy

or the strong hunk from that cologne advert

who jumps off a high cliff and climbs aboard his lover's yacht

while showing off his package in his Dolce & Gabbana bathing suit?

Fuck! If that isn't what they wanted,

they wouldn't show us the same damn advert year after year.

Why don't they advertise cologne with a househusband

who's doing the laundry while making dinner for the kids?

-Because that's not attractive at all. -Hmm.

Balance is fair,

but it's not erotic.

They aren't deconstructing our masculinity.

They're destroying our virility.

I invite you to take it back in my course.

Register at my website, pedroaguilar.com.

Enrollment is happening now.

-What a loser. -A loser?

Look how many views it's had. It's gone viral, man.

It's the goddamn truth.

You're gonna get ripped to pieces 'cause of this.

That too.

Thanks, dude.

I could never thank you enough for making me do that course.

No, no, don't you hug me. Don't you hug me. No way, dude, no!

I wanted us to become better people, not for you to get worse.

I'm gonna free men from slavery.

I'm gonna be the Moses of all the sexist pigs.

I'm gonna get rich.

Don't laugh. I had a terrible time trying to explain it to everybody.

The disabled guy was giving me the death stare.

It was your first shag in a bathroom. I'm super proud of you, Dad.

-What about the old-fashioned gal? -Her? In love with life.

Living, adventures.

-Adventures with you? -Hmm.

She hasn't lived much then.

Fuck. Now we're giving each other surprises?

Really, I don't see a future with this one, hmm?

Well, break up with her. I got three matches waiting for takeoff.

You want me to break it off?

I wanted to do it from the start, but now it's much later and much harder.

Just great.

Sandra, 41, unpredictable, spontaneous, and in love with life.

Fine. I'll break up.

You have to be honest but not cruel.

Direct but not rude.

Friendly but firm.

And what exactly does that mean?

Start by talking about her qualities you like, what attracted you to her.

Oh, I get it, yes. Soften her up, right?

Okay, look. I'm gonna say that-- that we can be friends.

-You wanna be her friend? -No.

Then don't say crap like that.

Okay.

I'll WhatsApp her, and you can check it before I send it.

Dad, face-to-face.

You know how rare it is for an old man with your physique to be liked by someone?

Sweetie, do you really love me?

Because you say some really mean things.

She deserves to be broken up with face-to-face.

Somewhere nice.

Meanwhile, I'll organize plans for tonight with Sandra.

-Tonight? -So you can move on quickly.

-Otherwise, you'll get stuck. -But…

Uh…

Hi. One minute.

-What are you doing here? -We need to talk.

Again?

Look, I don't want more trouble. What's going on now?

I've been offered a position at our office in Amsterdam.

-400,000 euros a year! -Whoo-hoo!

Would you come with me?

Me?

-Right now? -No, in three months.

Holy shit.

It's just that leaving so suddenly…

But everything's here.

My work, my friends, my family.

My love, mm, I don't wanna pressure you.

I have to give them an answer as soon as possible.

What would I do in Amsterdam?

I can't depend on you. You'll get fed up with me.

Okay, we could maybe open a Spanish restaurant there, hmm?

With my new income.

-Can I think about it? -Yes, of course.

But not too long. Hmm?

Don't you go anywhere.

You'll break up and be alone and starving to death in another country.

-What language will you use? -English.

-People speak English there, right? -Not like you, no.

Do you know how to ride a bike? Because they ride bikes everywhere there.

-You've been hooked on weed before. -And hookers.

-Shh! -Really?

-She's a hooker? -Come on.

-She had a credit card machine. -I thought she was the parking attendant.

What?

-Hey, Dad, I want an ice cream. -Me too.

So now you talk to me, son?

Where are you going?

I have to win him over. He's annoyed with me.

Well, with life in general.

It's also possible, if you don't go with Luz…

…she'll want an open relationship

as soon as she meets a tall, buff, blond guy with a tight ass.

Compared to them, you're gonna look like a Minion.

You can go in the little basket on the bicycle.

-It's been great talking to you guys. -Hey, what are friends for?

-Like ET. -Oh!

Shorty!

Oh, yeah.

-Is this for real? -My name is…

"Sexist Pigs in Trouble" is a reality.

Please tell me you didn't really call it that.

I've been considering the logo. I was thinking of a penis in chains.

But it might be too graphic.

All this failure has gone to your head, right?

It's a joke. As if I'd use that.

Stop uploading this bullshit. They're going viral.

That's the point, right? Can you imagine us both blowing up online?

-No. -You can sell your girly things.

And I can sell watches, anti-dandruff shampoo or whatever.

I'll have my own brand of Iberian ham.

No, better serrano ham from a macro farm, where hundreds of animals suffer.

-How about that? -Are you jealous?

-I'm worried. -I need advice.

Which suit gives off more virility for the course?

I don't know you, and I don't talk to strangers.

This one then.

Oh, my God. Oh, God. Oh, my God!

-Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! -Oh, wow.

-I'm dizzy and everything. -Uh-huh.

I'm seeing lights.

Mmm!

Okay, I gotta go do some CrossFit.

Okay.

Ow! Ow! I have a cramp. Ow! Ooh!

Want a quick shower?

No, no, no, no, don't worry. I'll shower at home.

My hair mask for fine hair is there.

This week has flown by.

-Yeah? -You think so?

Yes, yes, yes. I didn't even realize.

"Suspension period from two to five years."

That sounds like--

Fuck, you scared me. What are you doing here?

-Hello. -We always swap in the afternoon.

Well, not today.

What's that?

I'm trying out for a promotion.

Wow. You didn't say anything.

Well, in this house, we all have our little secrets, hmm?

Me and my exam. You and your personal trainer.

-When are you gonna let that go, huh? -Until I feel like it.

What's with the protein?

I have to get in shape for the exam.

And for me, I'm back on the market now.

Pushed on,

but I'm back.

Going for a run.

-A run? -Ten kilometers.

Wear your cap. You'll burn your bald patches.

Not for long, hmm?

I'm getting hair plugs.

Hair?

Hmm.

Hmm.

-What's up, Luis? -Uh, just going for a little jog.

-Very good. See ya later. -Mm-hmm.

Hey, boss. A latte in a big mug with two churros.

Okay.

-Hi, amore. -Mm.

Sorry I'm late. I had to go to the station to pick up my mom.

-Inma, Santi. -Hello.

Hmm. Pleasure.

Oh, so tall. I didn't expect it.

She came all the way from Lugo to meet you.

-Wow. -Yes, on the 7:00 a.m. bus.

Yes, really early.

This is her and her dad at the Roman Bridge when she was little.

He was going to come,

but he has band rehearsal for the San Froilán festival.

What a shame.

He plays the bagpipes very well.

Do you play the bagpipes?

-Not anymore. -Mom, stop bothering him. That's it.

-You two make a great couple. -Hmm.

When are you moving in together?

Oh, Mom, we're not in a hurry.

We have our whole lives ahead of us, right?

You see, she had a very bad experience with her husband.

They hadn't even been married for a year

when he got involved with that bitch from work.

-No way. -Mm-hmm. He was a loose cannon.

But you look squeaky clean.

-Yes, you do. -Hmm.

-I have a good eye for men, okay? -Yes, a second. It's from my daughter.

Hey, look at the time. Should we order some food soon?

-I'm not really hungry. No. -Oh. Garçon!

-Hey, hey! -Yeah, yeah, he heard you.

He's on his way, okay? Yes.

Amsterdam is really a beautiful city and very exciting.

-Drugs are legal. Can you believe it? -And prostitutes.

-I'll never see you. -Not if you don't come to visit.

-Right. -Hey, shall I get you some rice pudding?

Yeah?

-Okay. -Mm-hmm.

Son, not to be rude. Are you staying long?

It's just that we're having a Hawaiian party here.

Aloha, aloha!

Come on, cheer up. A toast, to Amsterdam.

That's what I like, to see you excited.

Hello, my virtual family.

I wanted to celebrate reaching one million followers,

but I'm not feeling it today.

It's just that we love to-- love sharing on social media

how amazing everything is, and how incredible our lives are,

but sometimes they're shitty.

I mean, there are so many days when…

…when you feel terrible.

As if success wasn't synonymous with happiness, you know.

It fixes many things, but it screws up so many others.

In short, I-- hmm, I love you very much.

And thanks for everything.

The Minister of Education has criticized my video.

Fuck, and the video was turning out really great.

What's wrong?

Nothing. Trying to celebrate a million followers.

I've already got some haters.

They get so wound up. Look, look, this ugly woman.

Charini, from Gran Canaria.

-"I don't want you in my bed. I want--" -You're so proud, huh?

The government is against you.

My number of followers is going through the roof. Fuck!

I didn't even buy them.

Now I get you. It's amazing. Finally feel alive again.

Congratulations on your resurrection. Would you let me finish my video?

-Wanna celebrate with a quick shag? -What? A quick shag?

What's with you?

Fuck me, that Charini.

-Uh, Sandra? Sorr-- I'm sorry. -Mm-hmm.

I had a problem with my car.

Don't worry. I'm nearly drunk already.

But I'm at that stage where everybody

looks a million times cuter than when I'm sober, you know.

Okay, well, it's a good thing I arrived late then.

You look really good.

Huh? Uh, yeah.

Honey, look at this cute apartment on Huidenstraat.

I have to reserve it right now, or we'll lose it.

Luz, I can't decide this quickly.

It's fine, honey. I'll go first. We'll see each other on weekends, hmm?

-While you think about it. -By yourself?

-No, no, no, no, no. -What's wrong? Don't you trust me?

It's just, it's all drugs and crime there.

It's one of the most dangerous cities in the world.

-Amsterdam? -Yes.

The canals are full of dead bodies. It's really easy to get rid of a cadaver.

And you'd miss me too much.

Okay, that's also a very nice thing.

Reencounters are the bomb, hmm?

That's it. I'm going with you. What the hell!

Of course you are, honey.

Oh!

Mmm!

Look, and if we don't adapt, we can come back.

It's just next door.

Next door? Cuenca's next door.

And I've never been.

I'll take you.

Gabriel, you've been in first gear ever since we left your place.

Don't forget to change gear.

Why don't you wanna get the license for an automatic?

Because I'm gonna get my mom's Yaris. She's giving it to me.

The Yaris?

Dear God.

-Hey! Stop! Stop, stop! -I can't stop here.

Stop, goddammit! Use the hazards.

-Music? -The emergency flashing lights.

Oh.

Fuck! I can't see them very well.

-Fuck! Turn, turn around. -Uh, but am I allowed here?

-I wanna catch him. -You sure?

-Do it. There's no one coming. -But you're sure, right?

-Fuck! Come on, dude. -Esther!

-One moment, man. Come on, hurry! -Sorry.

-Fuck! -You're paying the fine, okay?

Go on. Turn, turn, turn!

What a son of a biiitch!

-Who is that? -Shitbag!

I ruined my marriage for this guy?

Huh?

Or-- or for this.

What are you doing?

I'm just completely in love with you.

With me, why? I'm always so mean to you.

Well, that's what got me hooked, and look, here I am.

Spending a ton of money on classes.

-Well, you do need the classes. -Been a great driver since I was a kid.

Grandpa taught me when I was eight.

Gabriel, you're not a good driver.

That asshole is a piece of shit, and you're an idiot.

Please.

Slow down.

What are you doing, Gabriel?

Gabriel, please, slow down! This is crazy.

What the hell! What the hell are you doing?

You're driving on the wrong side of the road.

Come on, what are you doing? You're fucking crazy!

So should I book the exam for Monday?

Good morning.

What's up? Intense night?

She's still sleeping in my room. Ha!

Sandra? Double-check. You're on nine. You need one more.

Check, check.

Sex is so easy when it works, sweetie.

You don't even need to talk. Ah.

-It just flows. -Why is she here?

Well, after making her wait last night…

I didn't wanna kick her out, no.

Yes? Hello?

Hmm. Bye.

-How'd old-fashioned girl take the news? -The what?

-Did you end it? -Almost.

I had a speech planned and everything, but…

Thing is, she came with her mom. Fuck.

This lady wouldn't shut up if she was underwater.

-She was scary. Hey! -Hi!

-Hi. -What-- what are you doing here?

Is that your daughter? Hello.

I'm Inma.

-Your step-grandma. -My mother is going back to Lugo.

-And she wanted to say goodbye. -Oh.

Yeah, right. What a shame. Such a short visit, right?

I know. I wanna see your home.

-You can tell about people by their home. -Get her out. Hmm!

-Uh, okay, thanks. You're too kind. -No, no, no. This is for me.

-For the journey, it's very long. -Uh, bon appétit.

Hello. Sandra.

Huh? Who are you?

Álex.

Stay here. My dad's girlfriend is here with her mother.

Oh, I'm so hungover.

-I'm gonna stay and sleep a bit longer. -Uh-huh.

-It must be hot here in summer, right? -Yes.

-Have a canopy? -We'll miss the bus.

-Isn't it better by train? -No, way more expensive.

And besides, you can't talk to anyone.

-Oh, right. -Everyone's on their phone.

-You make more friends on the bus. -Ah!

Look, to this day, I'm still in touch with Lourdes.

-Who I met in the year '92. -Uh-huh.

On my way to Seville for the Expo.

Come on, let's go. Hey, speak to you later.

-Yes. Bye. -See you soon.

All right. Yeah. Safe travels, okay? See you.

Oh, oh!

What a lovely boy you are. Yes, I'm so happy.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

-This is my life, sweetie. -Mm-hmm.

How great that the gentleman is also famous now.

He talks about interesting things in his videos.

He talks bullshit, Patri.

You think so?

Do you know what a sexist pig is?

Mnh-mnh.

-It's that. -Okay.

-How do I look? -Very elegant, sir.

I know you don't agree with my discourse,

but I would really like it if you came to see me.

I have an event.

You're going with your coach friend.

Well, yes. It's nice to go with someone who's aligned with the place.

Okay, you're pissed.

I get it.

You have to be a secure woman to be with a successful man.

What a pig.

The lady and the gentleman had another argument.

Patri.

Guille.

-Hey. -How are you?

-Uh, fine. -Have something to tell me?

Look, yes, I'm back with my girlfriend.

-What? -Mm. Sorry.

Well, say something, you assholes.

Fuck you.

-Don't think they play paddleball there. -Huh?

How could they not play?

No, but you can always play, uh, fi-- fierljeppen.

Wait, what?

You jump on this huge pole stuck in a water canal.

You climb up until you fall over.

This is Takeshi's Castle, right?

Thank you. Thank you. How are you?

Okay, today, we're talking about strategy--

Hello.

Today, we're going to talk about conciliation strategies.

TRAINING COURSE ON THE RECONSTRUCTION OF VIRILITY

-What's up? -Hi.

Nowhere else you could do your silly course?

I can leave yours, have a coffee, then go to mine.

-Mine's sold out. -Mm-hmm.

Asshole.

That's some great emotional management. You're staying for mine, right?

For another two hours?

-We'll wait for you somewhere else. -I will.

I will stay here, yes.

How's it going?

You're amazing people.

Welcome, my friends!

Ah! How's it going, warriors?

I am Pedro Aguilar,

and I could go on and on and on to introduce this course.

But I'd rather, hmm, show you some images.

I have always detested wimpy men.

Those guys that carry the shopping bags.

Or push the stroller.

Men should never be wimps. They should stand their ground.

Besides, women greatly abuse men's weakness.

That's why I say that men should stay in their place

and women in theirs.

Because women deserve everything.

And I think that women need a big, strong guy.

He said that to the whole of Spain,

because back then, there weren't any other channels.

A real ugly guy.

He was, like, not even more than five-feet tall.

Probably shorter than that without his boots.

Do you guys think that this man has self-esteem issues?

No, because El Fary knew who he was.

You don't talk to El Fary about deconstruction,

because he'd tell you to go fuck yourself.

How many of you here talk to your penis?

Very few.

You all talk to your friends.

And your penis is your best friend.

He's always there. You're a team.

If you neglect the most important relationship in your life, bad.

We're going to do an exercise. Stand up.

Now close your eyes.

I want you to reconnect with your testicles.

Focus your full attention on them.

Very good, now jump.

Come on, damn it, jump! Come on, jump!

That's it. Go on, jump!

Go on, that's it! Go on and jump. Keep jumping. Feel their weight.

That's right, guys. That's the weight of your virility.

They're there, asking you to pay attention to them.

What are we?

Alpha males!

What are we?

Alpha males!

What are we?

Alpha males!

Now we can start the course.

What a jerk! I bet they hadn't even broken up.

-Who's a jerk? -Iris.

Your homework. Get back inside. Go on.

Lower your voice because they hear everything.

They're like X-Men.

Those two were going through a rough patch.

-You got caught in the middle. -What have I done?

-Esther, you weren't happy. -I'm not happy now.

You're not doing too bad.

Your brain is playing tricks on you.

How could I fall in love with that idiot? His room smells like wet flip-flops.

You were missing something. Then someone paid you a little attention.

No, no. That wasn't me. It was a different Esther.

Don't speak in third person, please. You're starting to scare me.

Mommy, I need help with this problem.

Wait a sec. She's helping me with mine.

What a mess.

Luis, miserable. Ulises, traumatized.

Okay, relax. It's over and done.

That guy helped you make a decision you couldn't make by yourself, to leave Luis.

-Ah, Luis. -What?

-He's so handsome. -What did you say?

He's getting in shape. Hair plugs too.

-I think he's met someone. -Oh, come on.

A hot policewoman. There's a lot of women joining the police.

Esther, stop panicking.

What do you mean, don't panic? What am I gonna do, huh?

Focus on your kids. You have a family.

No, I don't have a family, only kids.

They'll despise me when they know everything.

They're not gonna find out.

If I were Luis, I'd tell them.

Look, I-- I think that he's happy.

I'm sure he's with some other bitch already.

-Come on, Dad, your turn. -Sorry, what suit is it?

We're playing hearts.

Wow, what shitty cards I've been dealt.

Stop whining and play already!

Okay, you leave me alone!

You argue over everything.

Honey.

I've put down the deposit.

Oh, that's awesome. Good job. Nobody else took it.

-You told Jero that you're leaving? -Yes, he took it very badly.

He says it's a huge hassle, that there's a ton of paperwork.

Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it all.

Honey, it's not like we're going to Australia.

Yeah, it's just I'm really gonna miss my friends.

I never realized how much I loved those assholes.

Come here, you silly billy.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm in pain right now.

Maybe it's an ulcer.

Are you sure you really wanna come?

Yes, yes, I love Amsterdam.

But I don't know.

Hmm.

Hello.

-Organized something you're gonna love. -Oh, great.

Yay.

It's a surprise. Okay, fine, I'll tell you.

It's a restaurant that is completely dark.

So it heightens your senses,

and dinner becomes a unique sensory experience. I can't wait.

-And the servers are all blind. -Oh, wow.

I'm gonna take you to this Cuban bar for a cocktail.

-It's a beach. It has sand and umbrellas. -Hey, Eugenia--

I made a plan for this weekend that's gonna freak you out.

Because it's a really special hotel. The rooms have transparent domes.

-You can-- -I wanna break up.

What?

You are a truly wonderful woman, really.

You're charming, gorgeous, affectionate.

When I met you, I said to myself, "She's amazing."

It's just there's something not right.

-Look-- look ahead, please. Please. -Sorry.

Sa-- Santi, are you breaking it off?

We can still be friends.

You okay?

Yeah. Yes.

It's just that I'm-- I'm very surprised.

But okay, it is what it is.

Mm.

If you want, you can leave me at the light over there.

Or we can still have dinner.

I don't know. It's a bit weird. Like, my body is telling me to go.

Mm. I just don't want us to end things badly.

No, if you want, let's have dinner, sure.

Know what I think?

That I am going to take it badly.

Eugenia, what the hell!

You're a hustler, like them all. What did you want, to just give me a shag?

No, I wanted to give you a lot of shags, but there's just no chemistry between us.

Sure, whatever you say.

Stop. Slow down. We're gonna crash!

So what? You've taken away my will to live anymore.

-I only met you three days ago. -But they've been three amazing days.

You think you know someone? Stop the car, you crazy bitch!

Stop being patronizing.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, shit.

I don't have insurance.

-Officer, she has no insurance. -Shut up, you asshole.

Documents, please.

I hate being single. I hate it.

Hmm.

WITHOUT NIGHT

Got any words for our readers? Just one question.

Look over here!

-Daniela! -Thank you.

-Hi. How are you? -Just a few questions.

Tell us, what do you think about your boyfriend's sudden rise to fame?

-Sorry. -Pedro Aguilar.

The new guru of toxic masculinity, right? You're together, no?

I-- well, I don't talk about my private life publicly.

-Sorry. -What do you mean?

-That's all you talk about. -Thank you.

Daniela, how are things going with him?

The course was a great success, love. I got a standing ovation.

-And I was insulted. -You, why?

I'm your girlfriend. The news has come out.

-So I lost a lot of my followers. -I keep getting more and more.

Have you stopped to think

about how much the things you're doing might affect me?

Well, maybe your virtual family isn't the family you thought it was.

I'm getting so many messages. "How can I be with you?"

They ask me.

If you didn't give away your private life for free, no one would know me.

We could have been like Daft Punk.

Fuck, it keeps going down!

It's still going.

Don't let it get you down, honey. It's the same old feminazis as always.

-What are you doing? -Deleting photos of you.

-Oh, I've just uploaded one of you. -What? No, delete it!

Delete it. I'm serious. Give it to me. Delete it.

Pixelate me or put a fucking tomato over my face!

Ah, come on.

Why did you have to go and do that damn virility shit?

Didn't you tell me to reinvent myself? That's what I've done.

-What about the toast? -Go fuck yourself!

Shit.

Fuck.

Luis?

-Oh, look at you. -What are you doing awake?

Come in, come on.

I'll make you some coffee. You can tell me everything.

What? No, no, no. I'm going to bed.

No. To the bathroom. I'll stick my fingers down your throat.

-You'll feel better. -Mm, no, that's disgusting.

-Well, better out than in. -Hmm.

What's going on?

-Nothing, the boy is a little bit dizzy. -I can see that.

-Everybody to bed, please. -Right this way. Come on.

Hi, Grandma.

Put your grandma's oxygen mask on.

I put it on sometimes for a bit, and my knee doesn't hurt as much.

Why doesn't Esther love me?

She does love you.

-You'll see. It'll all work out. -Mm-hmm.

Do you think she's gonna come back?

Go to sleep, darling.

You'll see. Tomorrow, everything will be different.

Well, maybe not tomorrow, but the day after, for sure.

-What's up, Jero? -Get to the restaurant.

A pipe burst. There's a huge mess.

Fuck! It's one thing after another.

What the hell is this?

Surprise!

You fucking deserter. Mmm.

Mmm!

Oh, shorty is leaving us! Oh!

It's so sad you're leaving us.

-I'm gonna really miss you. All of you. -Mmm!

Even you.

Sweetie, cheer up. We'll come and visit you.

We're thinking of spending a month. Why not the Netherlands?

-Luz! -Hi.

-Did you know about this? -Yes, but false alarm.

-I didn't accept the position, after all. -What?

You have made a lot of effort to be with me, and I wanna support you.

-How cute, right? I love you. -Yeah, super cute.

-What about the deposit? -Screw the damn deposit!

Aww!

Don't say that love doesn't exist. Look at the sacrifice that Luz just made.

Well, the decision was influenced by the fact I hated the boss I'd have had.

Fucking hell, dude. You're not going!

I'm not going, dude. I'm not going! Yay!

Come on, Raúl, I missed the game to come and say goodbye.

-You can watch the game later. -Ah, look. The score's 3-2, hmm?

-Come on, let's have a beer. -I'm not going.

And I don't have to play jefenkuflen!