Original subtitles

Oh Daddy, thank you.

I wanted that pony so badly.

Sweet little paint.

Oh.

Hello, Mr. Houston.

Oh, he was that all right.

I'm fine, I'm really, really doing well over here.

Stronger than ever.

But you know Daddy, I mean,

he always had to have the last say,

right up till the end.

You know he insisted on having a chicken fried steak

and a chicken fried chicken for lunch.

It was the damnedest thing.

He wasn't acting off, just a little sentimental.

He got up and he said something nice

about each and every one of us and then...

He just said he was going to a better place

and see us on down the road.

We didn't know he meant that way.

Well, thank you, Mr. Houston, God bless you, too.

Take care, bye.

You're not getting sick on me, are you, Juan?

Juan, are you okay?

I'm good, JA!

Just mosquitoes, damn mosquitoes everywhere,

just fumigating.

Well, don't breathe the damn Deet.

You know it's full of the cancer.

I can't handle losing you too.

I'm taking every precaution.

Jenny! - Hey there, Don Juan.

Haha, very funny. - I don't get it.

You're like the greatest guy.

Seriously, when are you gonna find yourself a girlfriend?

Aren't you lonely?

How do you know I don't have one already?

Juan, do you?

Look at you, cute as a button and I've yet to hear

or see anything about a boyfriend yet.

I sort of am

seeing this guy, it's just, I don't know.

Let's just say if certain people found out,

I'd be in deep ca-ca.

He's like forbidden fruit, it sucks.

I'm sorry, I know it's tough being your age.

Thanks.

How's Mom today?

She's doing that wine thingamajig again.

With the straws, oh man.

I'm really worried about her this time.

I mean, she didn't see this one coming.

I wanna help her.

I love your mom so much.

I always have.

Well, like a cousin, or a sister.

Or the Virgin of Guadeloupe.

She's no virgin.

It's like you're her best friend, her spiritual leader,

her psychoanalyst, and her gardener.

You do more for her than anyone.

I don't know what she'd do without you.

Hey Juan, boy, am I glad to see you.

Hey, you give me a hand, brother?

Sure.

Hello, Jenny darling, how you doing, baby girl?

I'm good, Pops.

Nice of you to finally come home.

It'll take the heat off me.

Welcome back, Jimmy.

Gracias, Juan.

Well, how are we doing?

You two hanging in there?

Yeah.

She any better?

She's still very sad.

She needs you.

I know.

I know my running off going fishing didn't help, either.

Not the most compassionate way to console

your grieving wife.

I didn't just go to go fishing.

Hell, Papo dying like that, it hit me hard, man,

scared the shit out of me.

I mean, how am I gonna fill the shoes of such a,

the boots of such an amazing man?

Those are big boots to fill.

Hey, alligator or snake skin?

Alligator! - Alligator!

I fished the Flato Cut on Thursday.

Reds were tailing, drum were running the channel.

The trout were hitting those crazy trolleys

like there was no tomorrow.

I swear, I could feel

Papo was with me the whole damn time,

hootin', hollerin' about my horseshit cast,

tellin' me which fly to put on next.

It was like I could hear every word he was about to say,

man, I knew what was coming.

It was the best damn day of fishing my entire life.

But it wasn't about the fishing.

I just needed some time to, to say goodbye,

my own way.

Can you imagine picking the day you die?

It's the damnedest thing I ever saw.

He was a blessed and fearless man.

Hey, give me a beer.

Girl, who taught you how to do this, good God.

Gross.

Would you rather eat a plate of dog shit

or be six feet under?

Eat a plate of dog shit.

Gross. - Exactly.

That's exactly what he asked me when I was being indicted

by the Railroad Commission.

He says,

"Would you rather be six feet under or be investigated?"

I said investigated.

And then he says, "Well, would you rather eat a plate

"of dog shit or be investigated?"

I said I guess investigated.

And then he says,

"Well, what the hell you worked up for, boy?

"You're on the right side of the dirt.

"You ain't even eating dog shit."

What's your point, Dad?

The point is that where you're at in life

is a matter of perspective.

Hell, compared to being six feet under

or eating a plate of dog shit, everything is fine with me.

That old man taught me about everything I know.

Oil business, cattle business, women, droughts,

raising kids.

Hell, he always treated me like I was someone.

Even before I was.

Hey, I'm gonna sneak me in a shower

and then I'm gonna head to Austin, watch the 'Horns play

in lieu of an old-fashioned ass chewing.

I just can't take that right now.

I'm sensitive, Juan.

Boy, you are living dangerously.

I'll catch you on the flipside, kiddo.

Bye, Pops.

I'm lying.

You know damn well we're not separated.

Well, it was the only justification I could fathom

for him being with an early 30s blonde.

He had flowers and all.

She drove a beautiful blue BMW.

Early 30s blonde?

Look, I don't care who your cousin is on the first floor.

Jimmy loves me and he went fishing.

Of course he did.

But he did some other things, too.

Jimmy can hardly get it up.

He's half drunk most of the day and eating the rest.

I am just telling you what people are saying.

We are just so concerned.

So you're trying to tell me that my husband

is cheating on me?

You are chock full of it today.

Why don't you just tell your cousin

that I've just buried my father

and to mind her own damn business.

And you too, you, oh, you just catty bitch.

Have you seen my sunglasses?

I swear I'm losing my mind.

I think I threw them in the trash with my wadded burger bag.

Oh, oh hey, it's okay.

Oh now, it's gonna be all right.

We all miss Papo, baby.

It'll get better with time, you'll see.

Hey come on.

You know he wouldn't want to see you this way over him.

You know how he was.

It's not about that.

Okay, that again?

JA, how many times are you gonna beat me up over that?

It was just a fling.

Might have been old, but he still had it in him.

You know how he was.

Well now look, your mama's gone.

He was lonely, so was I.

Well, if it makes you feel better, I wasn't even drunk.

It's not about that either.

Well, then, what is it?

Holy moly, I haven't seen you this way

since Martha Mayberry took your lead in the senior play.

Honey, if it's not your daddy, then what is it?

It's Jimmy.

Oh my God.

First your mama, then your daddy, now Jimmy?

Oh baby, oh my God, what's he got?

I mean, how long, six months?

Three? One?

Oh baby, I'm so sorry. - Oh God!

But, but, but he looks so healthy.

I don't know...

He's not dying, he's having an affair.

Jimmy, oh there is no way.

Yes there is.

According to your nosy Junior League friend Elaine Narswell.

Oh, he was shacked up with some blonde at Pines Landing.

He said he was gonna go down there to go fishing.

Well, evidently he just went on that little woman

until he caught something real fishy.

Baby, you know what, you cared more about that damn house

than your own husband.

When's the last time you gave him a blowjob?

God, you have the mouth of a drunken roughneck.

You don't remember?

Oh my God, you're sitting here crying your eyes out

about your man sleeping with another woman

and you can't remember the last time

you gave him a blowjob?

What do you care if he's getting some somewhere else?

Okay, you know what, this is a waste of my time.

I'm outta here.

I'm not frigid.

Don't you remember Jamaica?

Did you just say Jamaica?

Lord, how old are we?

That was 25 years ago.

You gave it up the first night to two strangers at once

while you're making Jimmy wait for some.

Now he's waiting again.

That is a lifetime of sexual manipulation there, sweetheart.

How would you know?

Oh honey, listen to me, men are simple and easy.

Fill their belly and fill your britches, girlfriend.

That's how you keep a man.

Hell, your mama taught me that one.

More goodwill has been done on this earth

by a simple blowjob than anything else.

These lips do not lie!

Jamaica, blowjobs, I want in on this.

Hey Aunt Sallie. - Hey babe.

Where do I sign up? - Oh.

Oh, let's take a selfie. - Oh, sure thing.

That's cute. - Totally.

I'll put it on my Instagram. - Tag me.

So, what are y'all talking about?

About a movie I saw.

Sounds like my kind of movie.

I've never been to Jamaica, but blowjobs,

on the other hand, I know what you mean.

Guys will do anything for them.

Jenny, watch your mouth.

While I'm giving a blowjob, like in the mirror?

Sounds hot.

I bet guys would go hog wild when it comes to that.

When it comes to that, ha!

Your daughter is a hoot!

All that I need is my floozie friend being

the guiding light for my sweet and innocent little baby.

Have y'all seen Anthony?

Did he come back yet?

Well, let him know I'm looking for him.

Okay.

And if you need any blowjob lessons, let me know.

Jenny!

See, even your daughter knows the importance

of a proper blowjob.

I have not had a decent conversation with her in months.

You've tainted her.

She hates me.

I'm just trying to keep her in touch with,

well, with her feminine emotions.

I think somebody has to.

More like in touch with every boy's privates.

Okay, don't snap my garters, honey.

At least when I get a man, I keep him till I'm finished.

Shut up.

Jimmy always did love you.

Don't ask me why.

Oh hell, it's probably so he could hang out with Papo.

So low you have to look up to see hell.

That was a good one.

I might not have shown him lovin' like you would.

But I love him.

I do.

I love him.

I know you do.

I'm sorry, baby, I shouldn't have said that.

It's just that, you know, sometimes I don't think

you realize how good you got it.

I mean, you got a beautiful family, a big old house.

And Jenny, well, she's growing up fast.

That's what little girls do.

I'm so, so sorry, senora.

I should have come and told you myself.

I just didn't know what to do.

I didn't think Sallie was going to say anything.

What do you mean, Juan?

The only thing I really know is just

about the pregnancy test in the trash.

Whose trash?

Jenny's trash?

Sallie, what do you know about this?

I haven't the slightest. - Sallie?

I was just looking for my glasses.

Oh my God Juan.

Well, it was probably broken.

Oh come on, Juan.

It was probably the neighbor's, that little slut.

Oh come on, Juan.

I don't know.

It was a positive pregnancy test.

That's all I know, I swear.

Oh my God I didn't even know she had a boyfriend.

My own daughter isn't confiding in me?

Oh my God I am losing my mind.

No, I am losing my mind.

First those damn barking dogs at the new house.

I can't sleep for days.

Then the last lunch,

and Papo doesn't even tell me he's dying.

And then the fucking Jimmy fucking hookers and now,

oh yeah, Jenny is pregnant?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, oh my life is nothing but a shitstorm of liars,

whores, and addicts.

Take a few deep breaths, senora.

That's a good idea. - Come on, take a deep breath.

I'm gonna get you some water, okay?

That's a good idea. - My God, Juan,

you are the only one I can count on.

What about me?

You know what your problem is?

You never appreciate those around you.

I've had enough.

I am out of here, Grandma. - No you're not going anywhere

until you tell me that you know.

I can't repeat it.

You never had any problem repeating anything

you have ever thought, heard, conceived, contrived, or hallucinated.

Oh. - So you're gonna tell me

what you know right now,

or I'm gonna banish contact with you for two years.

Oh Lord, that was the stupidest thing you ever did.

You know what, go ahead, banish me.

See ya in two years.

Stop! - What?

Just tell me what you know!

Apologize.

For what?

For your stupid banishing crap.

Take your tits out of the dirt

and start celebrating life for the miracle it is.

What would Papo say?

All this bellyaching.

Hell, what would your mama do?

You know what she'd say?

She'd say, "Take your lumps and move on."

I'll apologize if you just tell me what you heard.

Deal.

I'm sorry. - Aw, you did it,

good job, sweetie!

Oh, that wasn't so bad, was it?

It kinda felt good, didn't it?

You know, it's kinda cleansing to sort of wrap your arms

around your failures, isn't it?

It's just like you, just give you a small victory

and there you are just basking in the sun, glowing in your win.

It's okay, Sallie.

What is it?

Oh, well, I don't think it's true.

I don't care true or not, I need to know now, so I can...

But it's just hearsay! - I don't care

if it's hearsay, tell me know,

I don't wanna know next week or next month.

Jenny and Anthony are secretly dating.

Jenny

and Anthony?

No, they're brother and sister!

Well, technically stepbrother and stepsister.

They're not genetically related.

So hey, if you want to look on the bright side of this,

it could make for a lovely small wedding.

Oh my God, it's my fault.

I let them take baths together when they were kids.

Oh my God, no, they wouldn't.

They know it would kill me.

What will people say?

Oh, a lot.

Oh my God, this isn't real, this isn't true,

this must be a dream.

Yeah, this is a dream, this is a dream, oh my God,

this is just a dream.

This isn't a dream, this is a nightmare.

This is a nightmare that I need to wake up from.

Okay, well, wake up, wake up, wake up!

Wake up! - No, you made up this gossip.

Listen to me.

Debra Perkins' daughter Baker is a Kappa

in Jenny's pledge class.

They share a bathroom and she overheard her

telling her roommate about how, um,

she's in love with Anthony.

How it's like he's forbidden fruit.

Forbidden fruit?

She made her promise to keep it a secret.

Keep it a secret?

Well, you know how secrets travel in the Kappa house.

Oh my God, the Kappa house.

Probably in Oklahoma by now.

What's in Oklahoma?

Hey Sallie, how you doing? - Hey babe, how you doing?

You're getting fit.

Jeanne Anne?

I'm sorry, I know you're mad,

but I just had to get away, clear my mind.

I had the most amazing fishing trip of my life.

Papo was there, he brought me luck.

This is probably bad timing, too,

but would y'all like to come with me to Austin,

watch the 'Horns play KSU?

I got two extra tickets, it's gonna be a good game.

No.

Sallie, what do you say?

Oh, I've got all the entertainment I can handle

right here, but you go on,

have yourself a good time at that game.

Well, I would invite Jenny or Anthony,

but I can't find them anywhere.

You know those two, probably off messing around

with each other, getting into trouble.

Juan, 'Horns game? - Yeah, man!

Juan doesn't wanna go, he has work to do.

Found you a bottle of Tito's.

You are a gentleman and a saint.

Guess I have more sweeping to do.

Come on, girls, join me tonight.

We'll have some fun, shit,

I'm just blowing off a little steam.

All right, I tried.

Hate to run, but if I'm gonna make the tipoff.

Drive safe, babe.

Can you believe him?

"Come on, girls, go to the 'Horns game.

"I'm just gonna blow off some team."

Well, you need to be home with him.

Well damn, if he's lying, boy is he good.

Hell, he's almost as good as me.

You know, babe, don't you worry about all this.

It's all gonna be fine.

Look, you got your health, you got your friends.

Hey Mama, hey Aunt Sallie. - Hey babe.

Hey Sallie. - Hey.

You okay?

Hey, how was the coast?

I heard you went down there with Dad.

Oh, no hon, not me, I've been right here.

That's strange.

My friend Tiger said he saw a hot blonde

leaving the house with Dad.

I just figured it was you.

No, must've been,

I guess a neighbor or something.

Yeah, a hot neighbor I don't know about.

Oh good point.

So, how are you doing, Anthony?

I'm missing Papo, so used to seeing him

out at the ranch.

It's kinda like he's still there.

In another pasture, better place you know.

Dad, Tiger and I, we're going out there tomorrow

to go hunting.

Okay, now who is this Tiger?

Tiger's my fraternity brother.

Two hoots and a holler, true romantic,

like myself. - Oh.

How you hanging in there, JA?

I'm about at my wits' end, son.

I know how you feel.

I mean, I sorta do.

I just can't imagine losing you or dad

or Jenny, so...

It's, it's all right son.

All we can do is just love each other while we're here.

That's just all we can do.

Yeah.

Hey, Aunt Sallie, close your eyes for me, will you?

Oh, sure thing, babe.

Sorry you had to see that.

You know, JA,

I heard when somebody dies, they only die if you let them,

and that you can keep them alive inside of you,

and that you can ask them questions.

I know this might sound little weird,

but I've been asking Papo a lot of questions lately,

about like relationships and like love and stuff

and I think I know what his answers are.

I don't think that's weird at all, babe.

I think you keep right on doing that.

I bet your Papo's tickled pink.

I'll bet he is.

Love just tears you up, doesn't it?

Especially the love you can't have.

I love you, JA. - I love you, son.

And I love you, Aunt Sallie.

Oh, I love you, big boy.

And if you see Dad, just tell him I love him.

And Jenny, you know, she's such a handful, but,

tell her I love her.

Honey, that is one sweet boy you've got there.

Just so full of love.

Sallie Mae, I'm exhausted. - I know.

I'm going to bed and then I'm getting up in the morning

and I'm going to church.

Okay.

I feel like I have been ridden hard and put up wet.

All right.

Lord.

She's a handful, oh Lord.

What was all that with Jenny's trash?

Well, if you stop attacking me every time

I bend over in Jenny's bedroom.

Oh, is that how it happens, huh?

We're not moving in together until you tell her.

She's still all stressed out. It's just, it's not the right time.

It's never gonna be the right time, honey.

And I love you, Juan.

And I know she suspects something

ever since I talked you into joining me on the garden club board.

Somewhere in that brain of hers,

she knows you've been trimming my bush.

Sallie.

Talk to me in Spanish, mi amor.

You know I love you talking to me in Spanish.

Oh Juan!

Oh, how hard can it be?

Juan, can you come on inside, please?

Morning, JA, what can I do for you?

You'd help me do just about anything, wouldn't you, Juan?

Well, yes, senora.

I mean, if I asked you to help me to do something,

say, risky, uh, risque,

you wouldn't judge me, would you, Juan?

I would never judge you.

What's the best way to kill a man?

I might judge that.

No, I mean the best way to kill a man and not get caught.

I wouldn't wanna do that jail thing, you know,

No doubt about that.

I don't think they serve lattes and croissants

in the clink, JA.

Well, I've been looking on the internet and I just,

I can't find what I'm looking for.

Who do you wanna kill?

Let's just say it's hypothetical.

Well, I think it does matter.

I've seen you shoot a deer at 400 yards.

I know you're capable.

Look, I went to church and I prayed about it.

Good. - And then I thought.

I'm going Old Testament.

I am so tired of crying all the time

and feeling sorry for myself.

I'm getting out of my self pity

and into pitying the son of a bitch

who makes me look like a fool.

Who are you talking about?

It's that son of a bitch Jimmy.

El senor?

Yes, he's been cheating on me down at the coast

and making me look like a fool.

Oh yeah, then he just comes back in here

like he's had a fresh egg, just strutting like a peacock.

Well, I've had it.

I was gonna take a knife to him. But then I thought, no, that's too bloody.

I don't have the stomach for that.

So then I thought, oh, the deer rifle.

But they'd just trace the bullet.

Juan, we need to come up with a good poison,

like that doctor from Houston who poisoned his wife's eclairs.

I think he got away with it.

No investigation, I can't do a trial.

Will you help me, Juan?

JA, you don't mean that.

Jimmy loves you very much.

The hell that I don't.

I'm on your side, please JA.

This is all a big misunderstanding.

Have you looked in the freezer?

He caught those fish the old-fashioned way,

with a rod and reel.

Juan, he probably bought them off of Porter Rand's Seafood

along with the sushi.

He is a grade A later and he will meet his wrath.

You'd be about the only person I know

who'd go to church and come back

with wrath and murder on your mind.

You're lucky Juan and I care enough about you

to keep you from doing something stupid, stupid.

You better watch your mouth, mouth.

What you gonna do honey, you gonna murder him in cold blood?

Maybe cut him up and throw him to the fish?

Now that's an idea.

You're not as useless as I thought you were.

Listen here, Rambo, there ain't a man on this planet

worth the aggravation of murder.

You know what you need?

You need a good old fashioned sun-in.

Good point.

Remember what Papo used to always say?

If you lay it out in the sun...

Don't smell so bad.

Kills the mildew, dries it up.

You need to just lay it all out for the whole family to see.

You know what else you need?

A bloody Mary.

Hell, we all do, it's Sunday.

Juan, would you be a doll and make us one

and make them strong?

Yes, ma'am.

I went to church and I prayed for the strength

to forgive him.

And then I prayed for the strength to smite him dead.

I have killed, field dressed, and taken apart more damn animals.

Parts is parts.

Jeanne Anne, when is the last time you gave Jimmy a hug?

Just a good and simple goddamn hug?

Maybe I haven't been the best wife.

Maybe I shoulda gone huntin' and fishin'

and to some of those ball games.

You can fix all of this, just hug the bastard.

Tell him you love him, to his face.

Ask him how his day was.

Don't bitch at him first thing in the morning.

Nobody likes to be nagged, Mom.

It's uncouth.

Uncouth?

What am I going to do?

Well, first of all, you're not gonna kill Jimmy.

No, no, no, no.

I mean, what am I gonna cook for dinner?

I don't know, just cook that damn fish Jimmy caught.

I'm not cooking adultress fish.

All right, fine, then enchiladas, I'll help.

That's it, I'm cooking enchiladas.

Besides, I need to keep an eye on you.

Boy is that ranch dry.

I ain't never seen it like this, like the damn '50s.

The cows are all starvin'.

I'm gonna lose all my damn breeding stock.

Cows are eating cactus, stones and all, poor bastards.

Can you imagine what that feels like

comin' out the other end?

Prickly situation.

Why are you covered in blood?

And what the hell is that around your neck?

Well, it's pig blood, Sallie Mae.

That there, that's some guts on my boot.

I shot a pig.

Yeah, I was out with the boys there huntin'

and they wanted a porker for the luau at the frat house.

So I killed one and I cleaned it for them.

And then all them damn fleas jumped off that damn pig

onto me, so I got me a Hartz flea collar,

try to get them off me.

Don't you bring any damn fleas into my house.

They're already off me.

The last one came off about 4:10.

Little fuckers are scrambling all over the Suburban now.

Hell, I shot right through the ear hole.

You know how hard it is to take down a pig with one shot?

I can imagine, that sounds like quite a feat.

You should be very proud.

Oh yes. - Hey Pops, how's the ranch?

Oh, it's drier than a popcorn fart.

Makes me thirsty just thinking about it.

Gross, where's Anthony?

Is he with Tiger?

I don't know.

Juan, boy, you read my mind, man.

How do you do that?

You scare the shit out of me sometimes.

Salud. - Salud.

Salud.

Get away from me you freak!

You all see the rattler on that?

What the hell are you doing

bringing a live rattlesnake into the house?

Would you go get them under control

before someone gets bit?

What kind of ranch manager does that?

Papo would be ashamed.

You know Jeanne Anne, you don't always have to be

such a glorified bitch.

They were just having some fun.

What did he just call me?

Bitch.

What an asshole!

Oh my God, that man makes me so mad.

I am gonna show him!

JA, hey!

Jeanne Anne, what are you doing?

You don't think she'd actually do something

with that gun, do you?

I mean,.

Oh my God!

She shot him!

Oh my God, JA!

Geez, I didn't think you were gonna take it so hard.

What are you talking about?

Your mama killed his daddy

and you don't think he's gonna take it hard?

What is wrong with you, child?

What are you talking about, Aunt Sallie?

Sallie Mae, you're getting crazier by the minute.

No, no, no, no, she shot him.

Jimmy raised him like his own.

Why would you shoot him?

Jimmy! You're not dead!

No, I didn't kill him.

I killed that little slithery bastard.

Damn sure did, deader than a doornail.

Pretty good shooting, too.

Killed my snake, man.

Damn right I did.

Papo always said the only good rattlesnake is a dead one.

Yeah, well, I was gonna take that snake

down to the frat house and get even with Jethro Tull,

'cause he stuck a scorpion in my bed

and the damn thing stung on my on my left sac.

It swelled up to the size of a cantaloupe and looked black.

And LuAnn Reed wouldn't have anything to do with me

and I was this close, and you ruined it, Jenny.

So I'm not talking to you anymore.

Good, I hope you don't if you're gonna chase me around

laughing like a dumb fucking redneck.

Jenny, not, and the whole thing was a,

never mind.

Goddammit Dad, I can't believe how cruel she is.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

These damn kids are crazier than a den of wildcats.

I'm surrounded by screwballs, all led by the queen bee.

What the hell was that?

My head's about spun off!

Hell, so much for a relaxing Sunday meal, damn!

I have work to do.

Good Lord.

Looks like the wedding's off between those two.

Damn, it's hard to keep up with all the trauma in your life.

You know you had me going there?

I thought you really took him out.

I don't have the heart, for prison that is.

Yeah, well, who would?

Definitely not your kind of place.

You never did look good in orange,

stripes, prints, any kind of pastels.

Oh hell, let's get some air, come on.

You know baby, I've been thinking about this.

Maybe it is time you two went your separate ways.

I mean, you always did have problems with men.

Maybe it's time you started batting for the other time.

I mean, this isn't the '50s darling.

Everybody's doing it.

I don't care who's doing what, I could care less.

Oh hell, speaking of everybody doing it.

Sallie Mae...

Oh! - Come on.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Oh hell, I've got it.

We can take out an ad in the Austin Chronicles.

Ragin' beauty in her 50s.

Early 50s.

Early 50s, okay.

Enjoys bein' in church, books, art,

Fleetwood Mac. - KD Lang.

Oh, and KD Lang.

Travel, cookin', kids grown.

Seeking pleasant, pretty lipstick lesbian.

Must be independent but caring.

Oh, no beer gut.

And no beer gut.

Somebody who's gonna listen to your needs.

Somebody to make you feel appreciated.

Somebody in tune with maybe your emotional rhythms.

Girl, are you hitting on me?

Well, I'm just trying to help honey.

You have no boundaries.

Well, that doesn't make me a bad person.

First of all, I'm happy

with my present sexual orientation, thank you.

Secondly, if I was gonna dabble on the other side

of the road, girl... - What?

It's not gonna be with you.

And thirdly, I've got my gazpacho to make

and it's not gonna make itself.

I know, listen to me, here.

Abstinence is not a sexual orientation.

Secondly, I just trying to help you get through this

without killing yourself or anybody else.

Thirdly, well honey, mmm.

You got options.

And hey, there is always porn.

Oh my God, you are sick.

Hey, let's have one, real quick.

Just give it a little tongue, come on.

Oh, Jimmy!

Well shit, don't mind me ladies, I hate to interrupt.

That is unless you two want my steak salami

between those buttery loaves.

Oh my God, you are a sicko.

Hell, maybe I am, but at least I know how to have fun.

Sick and tired of y'all's crazy bullshit anyways.

I'm going to the skeet range for donating blood.

Whatever the hell to get away from you guys.

Don't mind him, Bigtime Jimmy.

Let's go make them enchiladas.

Oh, you put too many damn onions on them for me.

All right, you gonna get changed though,

closing up the work straps.

How are you doing Anthony? - Good.

No thanks, gotta keep my wits.

There's just too much shit goin' on around here.

I thought Jimmy was.

Things sure are tense around here, huh, Juan?

Even you look worried.

Well, first thing's first, man.

You, you gotta figure out what you want, how to get it

without Jack and anybody else around.

That's the problem.

Well, if you come from a place of love, Juan, I mean,

the world will just have to deal with it, man.

I come from a place of love. What did you call me?

A celebration of life, man,

we're made out of stardust, dude, like first,

second, third generation of stars,

supernova explosions, stellar nebulae, man.

And we're on this glob of dust,

shooting around our star like a bowling ball, man,

at 66,000 miles per hour.

That's some serious speed.

Yes sir, it is.

And at the same time, we are just shooting

through the galaxy at half a million miles an hour,

through the cosmic background radiation

at 1.3 million miles an hour.

And the entire time, man, I swear to you,

sometimes I feel like I'm just sitting still.

Sometimes I feel like my life's going

a million miles an hour.

You know what?

This'll slow it down, man.

Come on, Juan, come on Juan.

You know you want the joint, Juan,

you know you want the joint, Juan,

you know, oh, yeah baby.

You're bad dude.

You got some fire?

Geez, dude, is this Papo's weed?

Yes sir,.

You know what else my philosophy teacher

was telling me about, man?

So like, we live at the phase change

between water, steam, and ice, dude.

Fucking water, Juan.

It's a fucking miracle, man, it's a fucking miracle, dude.

We're like fucking water.

You with me, man?

Oh yeah.

1.3 million miles an hour,

living at the water phase change.

Dude, and I'm saying we live on this outer layer of dust.

We're not trapped in the rock.

We're not trapped in the mantle.

We can move through time.

We're not stuck like that tree.

We're not floating around like a leaf in water, man.

We breathe in the stardust, we breathe it out.

We drink it in, Juan, we pee it out.

I mean, we eat it in and we just...

I get it man, I get it dude.

Do you believe we were born on a predetermined path?

I was watching Charlie Rose the other night,

and they had this dude on there that was talking about like

how we have these places on our DNA

that are like predisposed.

And they can like turn on and off, changing as we live.

And then like this thing switches on

and then this molecule like links us with our past.

Yeah, isn't that fucking crazy, man?

That's the stardust, bro.

That's the stardust, man.

That's the stardust, Juan!

It has been traveling back and forth between time

and energy, dude.

And it ends up right here, right now dude,

it's in me, it's in you.

Look at it, brother, the stars, man.

That's what we're made of.

Yeah, man, that's what I'm talking about.

Did you know that if you live 14 years on this earth,

you're breathing the same air molecules as

Julius Cesar, Abraham Lincoln.

Dwight Howard.

That was a funny one.

Hell, even Charlie Rose, man.

Papo is in us.

He's in me.

What, man?

Papo's in you?

Hey Papo.

No, man, it's like I can hear him talking to me.

Not like a voice, more like a sensation.

It's like I can ask him a question and I...

Know what the answer would be, yes.

Yeah, yeah man.

The stardust speaks, man.

Sure does.

Give me some sugar, big boy.

I love you, man.

I love you, too, mi amigo.

Are you coming to dinner?

Yes my friend, I am, I'm coming to dinner.

I am so hungry man, I am so hungry right now!

I can't imagine why.

Stardust, baby.

Juan, are you busy?

Just contemplating the stars.

Am I a bitch?

Stop being so hard on yourself.

You're not making it any easier.

I try.

Then I just go back to my ways of being

too damn serious and mean.

I wish I was more like Sallie, just fun-loving, free.

I've always admired her.

Hey Mom.

Oh hey, honey, I hope you had a great workout.

Why do you have to be so sarcastic all the damn time?

You don't appreciate a damn thing I do

for this family, Jeanne Anne.

Dammit woman, why do you always have to be so negative?

You treat me like I'm a dumbass.

You don't respect me.

You never have.

Juan, we're gonna finish this conversation later.

I'm sorry Juan, man I'm sorry.

Her nagging, it doesn't roll off me like it used to, man.

You know, I don't even know why she's mad at me.

I mean, I know that I'm not the lean mean fighting machine

I always was.

But I still got feelings.

Hell, I'm more sensitive now than ever.

That's just not love.

If you come from a place of love,

the world will just have to deal with it.

That's not where I'm coming from, Juan.

In fact, I'm going by not coming.

I'm gonna get drunk.

I'm gonna eat some redfish.

I'm gonna watch Lonesome Doves.

Jimmy, please come to dinner.

I have something important to tell everyone.

Dinner, there's no way Juan.

Man, I heard her talking about killing me.

She said it, she was serious, man.

I ain't never seen her like this.

She's lost her damn mind.

She's not serious.

Come on, man, please come to dinner, for me.

Come on, man.

For you.

Thanks, Jimmy.

For you.

I like jalapenos, except for when they get hot.

I hate jalapenos.

Jenny, jalapenos are cleansing, they're good for you.

Got the salsa, y'all.

Why are you wearing your sunglasses?

Shut up.

Salsa.

Would you take your glasses off, for the last time?

Jesus Christ, let's eat already.

God bless this food and treat us good.

Bless this food we're about to be nourished with,

and especially Lord Jesus,

the two beautiful women who prepared it for us.

Please give us the strength to tell the truth, oh Lord,

maker of the stardust,

and lead us all to forgiveness.

Come on, now, when did you get so preachy, Juan?

That was very pretty.

If you need something done in a physical plane,

please, do it through us.

We are your ideas going through time

on this bowling ball of... Right on, Juan.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Bowling ball?

Shut your derelict mouth.

I love him.

Juan, I thought that was a lovely prayer.

I especially liked the part about

giving us the strength to tell the truth.

Where shall we start?

Jenny, Anthony, is there something you two little lovebirds just wanna get off your chest?

She's certifiable, totally lost it.

Why don't you just admit in front of everyone,

that you're pregnant,

and even more so that your brother is the father?

I know, there are no secrets here.

Wait a minute here.

Okay, you're saying that I had a kid,

a tiny little baby, like a little human being with her?

Eyew. - My sister?

You can't fuck your sister.

Dad, no way, man, no way.

I mean, I'm hard up and that would be like

an all-time low.

From Old Mexico,

little boy city.

Wait, you been crabbing down at Boystown?

Well, don't break out the seafood, Mama,

Anthony's coming home with crabs.

Oh.

You're fucking disturbing.

And mother, you're nuttier than a squirrel turd.

You need help.

I didn't raise you kids to be fornicating

like a pack of backwood hillbillies.

What would your Papo have said?

He's probably turning over in his grave.

Papo would duct tape your mouth

and hands and feet, and take you to the mental hospital

because you have lost it.

I've gotta get this psycho bitch on my Snapchat.

Don't you lie to me, young lady.

There are no secrets in the Kappa house.

You admitted it to your roommate

and we found your pregnancy test.

That's reassuring.

So you bugged my room at school

and you go through my trash?

Jeanne Anne Williker, NSA Mom.

Wait, did you bug her room?

Do we have to break out the straitjacket tonight?

No, her suitemate overheard her say

that she was in love with Anthony.

Jeanne Anne, please, Anthony is not the only

goddamn Anthony at the University of Texas.

Did you ever think about that?

Well, I, she said it was forbidden fruit.

Mother, is that what all this is really about?

Me and Anthony?

Or can you just not deal with your own issues?

Anthony and I.

It's a direct object pronoun after a verb, JA.

You really wanna know?

You have no idea.

It's true. - Oh my God.

All of it.

We are in love and having a baby

on an inbred reality TV show called Backwoods America.

And your face is gonna be

Granny Backwood, plastered all across America.

You're gonna be Hillbilly Dynasty, yee-haw.

I knew it, I knew it!

You can't lie to me.

I am not crazy, I am no fool.

Ooh, I can't breathe, I can't breathe.

You gotta breathe.

We're just pulling your leg here, okay.

We're just pulling your leg.

And I have to admit, you kinda make it easy for us.

But I mean, honey, though, for real, the twins,

we're having twins.

They're gonna be two-headed.

So, are you two in love or not?

No, JA, you're really trying to make me hurl here.

No, but if we are having a come to Jesus session right now,

I'm gonna lay it all right down on the line

once and for all.

I am in love

with Aunt Sallie.

What?

And she won't have anything to do with me.

Sallie Mae, my goodness, you pedophile you.

For once I can honestly say I didn't do anything.

Everybody's in love with Aunt Sallie, son.

What?

I mean, we all love her.

She has so much love in her heart.

Oh, yeah, well thank you.

I can tell you there's a lot of love there,

but it's not in her heart.

She can hardly keep it in her pants.

Okay, what the hell, how did this get turned around on me?

Now let's stay on task here.

Now Jenny, if your brother is not the father,

then who is?

What?

Well, who got you in the family way there, sugar?

What are you talking about?

There was a positive pregnancy test

in your trash, damn child.

Don't you know who knocked you up?

It is fine if you don't know.

Whoa, you got storked?

No Anthony, you're stoned.

You don't got any proof.

Melissa, from next door, didn't want her mom

to find out she's pregnant, so she did her test over here.

You have to swear you won't tell.

I told you it was that neighbor's girl.

That Melissa has a different guy over every week.

That little slut.

So there's no baby?

There is no baby.

Oh thank God.

Oh don't get me wrong, I do want grandkids,

just not like this and not on reality TV.

But wait a minute, why did you tell your suitemate

that you were in love with Anthony?

Just let it go.

Oh Jenny.

Oh, you're good, your Aunt Sallie taught you how to lie

amongst other things, but I know that look.

No, you're hiding something.

You're in love, that's it, you're in love.

Oh, she's in love.

But wait a minute, with who?

Well, I hope y'all saved room for enchiladas.

That gazpacho sure was good, didn't y'all think?

The best, you are amazing Aunt Sallie.

If it's not our Anthony, then what Anthony?

You know, only Anthony I know is my best friend,

the Duke of the Piney Woods, two hoots and a holler,

Anthony Boudreaux Timberlake.

Boudreaux Timberlake? - Boudreaux what?

Like the Timberlakes? - Shut up!

Damn you, Mother, why can't you just leave things alone?

I'm not a kid, I'm a grown woman, and I give blowjobs.

Fuck all of you.

Jenny Williker, you get your butt back here

and you sit down.

If you're gonna lie down with the dogs,

you better be ready to get the fleas.

Papo wouldn't have talk like that,

and I won't stand for it either.

Papo is dead.

The last time we had Sunday dinner, Papo was alive.

He was sitting right there in that chair.

Hell, he still is in my book.

Let's show some respect, all of you.

Quit acting like spoiled schoolchildren.

Now since this has become a regular confession,

Jenny darling, it is time to come clean.

What the hell is going on?

Truth is, Tiger and I are in love.

I'm sorry, brother.

I didn't mean to, it's just,

he's such a good guy and he's cute and smart and sexy.

And you know he's writing a book.

Oh, how intellectual of him.

What kind of book?

Um, it's just a self-help type book.

What kind of self help?

Well, it's called Dumbalingus, a Bushwhacker's Guide to Oral Satisfaction.

Is he some kind of fancy chef?

Yeah, Mom, a cookbook.

The Joys of Eating Stuff.

Lots of tasty recipes there, I'm sure.

Damn you, Jenny.

Out of all the guys in Texas,

you had to go and pick my best friend Tiger?

Do you know how bad that sucks?

'Cause now I gotta kill him with karate.

He's a fine young man.

Papo would have been proud to know him.

Thank you.

Well, I'm happy for you honey.

And there's no baby?

There is no baby.

Well, I think you got a keeper.

When do I get to meet him?

When I'm done with him, no offense, Aunt Sallie.

None taken.

But you know, while we're,

while we're kind of on a roll here tonight,

there's just a little something that I,

well, we, um, that...

Well, Sallie Mae McGregor is speechless.

Tell her Juan.

Oh no, you have something to share, Sallie,

you just go on and tell us yourself.

Juan, tell her.

Well,,

I love Sallie.

You're making fun of me.

Good one, that's kind of funny.

We're in love.

Oh Juan.

And we're moving in together.

And I'll resign right away.

Everybody stopped laughing.

Juan and Aunt Sallie.

Two of my most favorite people in the world.

If anybody was to steal my girl man, I guess,

I guess it's good that it's you.

Crazy, that is crazy, man.

Bowling ball and dust, stardust,

stardust, baby, stardust.

Well, I'm happy for you.

It's a beautiful thing when love is found in this world

and there is no need to resign Juan.

I want you both around.

I love you both.

Jeanne Anne, that is the sweetest thing

you've said since 1988.

Oh, we love you JA.

Thank you for your blessing, JA.

I wish Papo were here to see this.

I forgot to light the candles.

You sure did.

That'll fix everything.

Are you kidding me?

What?

It says last will and testament.

What?

It's dated last week, the day Papo died.

No way. - You didn't know it was there?

The stardust, it's breathing in everyone,

even you, Mom.

That is unreal.

Read it, Mom.

To my old partners Juan and Jimmy,

in the old days around these parts,

the Comanches would bring in brave boys, captives,

and work them to the bone.

If they survived, they became equal parts of their family.

You boys are two of the best sons

I could've ever hoped for.

My land, this stretch of earth we call home,

is now yours to manage as you see fit.

I have also left you my cowboy books, guns,

vehicles, horses, saddles, livestock,

and GPS coordinates of my favorite fishing holes.

God, I love that man.

Jeanne Anne and Jimmy,

as you know, MeMaw was a force to be reckoned with.

Everyone thought we always got along, but in truth,

we fought like cats and dogs.

The question I would always ask myself

is what am I more committed to,

being right or staying married?

Lord knows that's the truth.

Despite Papo's great wisdom,

your father and I have something that we would like to tell you.

We're getting divorced.

What?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Mom, you have someone else?

I do not.

Our relationship has become untenable

and that is all that I can say.

Anthony and I are not surprised.

We just, we thought it would be Dad

that couldn't take your crap anymore.

I mean, the way you treat him.

I'm surprised he put up with it this long.

Maybe he'll finally get his balls back.

Well, this philanderer didn't have any balls.

Oh dammit, Jeanne Anne Williker.

For once and for all, you completely deballed the man.

Wait, when the hell did this conversation turn

to my balls or lack thereof?

You know damn well, Mr. Port A Affair Man.

Why don't you just grow a pair and tell everyone

what you've been up to?

Mr. Port A what?

Your father has been spending the last few days

with his girlfriend at our condo on the coast.

Oh yeah.

Not even the decency to take her to the hunting lease

in Three Rivers, just right there in my own bed,

you son of a bitch.

Wait a minute, JA, you got it all wrong.

You gotta tell her Dad.

Well, come on, big boy,

try to dig yourself out of this one.

The head of the Junior League herself saw you

gallivanting in and out all week long

with some 30-year-old blonde tramp.

Oh, I've had it with you.

Count your blessings I let you live.

You wanna know?

Okay, I'll let you know.

You know how you hate the lime green and orange

at the condo in Port A?

Happy fucking anniversary.

I hired a decorator to redo it all as a surprise.

So fuck you.

Surprise, I ain't fucking anyone but myself,

drinking myself to sleep trying to forget

how much I miss poor Papo.

Selfless son of a bitch.

I had to lick my wounds and deal with my loss my way.

So you're not cheating on me?

Goddammit, what's the matter with you?

No, I can't remember the last time I got any.

Oh sweetie, oh that is so sad.

I thought when you bought the cow, it was unlimited.

I'm never getting married.

I thought you made a fool of me

and left me for another woman.

Will you forgive me?

I think I forgot how much I really do love you.

Jeanne Anne, honey, why don't you finish

reading the will?

You're really not cheating on me?

Just read the damn thing.

Okay.

Relationships are tough.

You take things for granted.

I fought through some tough times and I made it through

and I'm glad I did.

A great woman is like a great horse,

a high spirit and helluva companion.

You get bucked off, you get back on her.

Quit is a four-letter word.

Dammit, Papo.

Why do you always know just what to say

just before I do something stupid?

Why didn't you tell me you were dying?

Thought I was your best friend.

You were his best friend, Dad.

Papo knows things.

I don't know how, but he sure in the hell does.

He put that will in that drawer the day he died.

Who does that?

Wonderful, you two.

Does Papo say anything about me?

Well, read on, JA.

I'm sure he consecrates great Sallie in there, too.

To my darling Sallie, honey,

I paid off the mortgage and bought you a new Lexus

down at the dealership.

Holy cow.

Talk to Raul, he will take care of it.

Oh my God.

I love you, baby, and thanks for putting a whole bunch

of big smiles on an old man.

Signs of a dime hot is a tamale.

You're one tasty tomato. - Oh hell no, man.

Let me see that, oh my God, I love that man.

Oh my God, Aunt Sallie, you sexy slut.

Oh, thank you sugar, Is that all?

Oh, here we go.

To Anthony and Jenny, I have set up an educational trust

for your undergraduate and graduate education,

complete with a trip to Europe.

Yeah! - Oh my God!

And new cars. - No way.

A man could not hope for better grandchildren.

Right now I feel like when you're bull riding

and your eight seconds is up,

you know it's time to get off,

but you're not quite sure how or where you're gonna land.

Oh, sure babe.

Sallie!

Hey, listen to this.

I couldn't have asked for a better life

or a more loving family.

Take my ashes out to the hill country

in back of Crider's Rodeo on the Guadalupe River.

Then I can listen to the rodeo and dance every weekend.

Cyprus trees and a spring-fed river puts a smile on my face.

I can smell the whiskey on his breath.

Uh Dad, I think that's your upper lip.

Oh yeah, but he's here, I can feel him.

Yeah, in the plasma fields.

What's the rest of it say?

It says, I have left donations to the Charlie Rose show,

PBS, the NRA, the Heritage Seed Foundation,

NPR, and Organization for Conservative Fiscal and Liberal

Personal Rights Activism.

If that isn't the most damned mixed bag

I've ever heard of in my life.

He loved that Charlie Rose.

He sure did.

To Jeanne Anne, my little girl,

you have always made your mother and I so proud.

We love you so much with all our hearts.

Everything else in my estate goes to you.

All right. - That's wonderful.

You got the whole kit 'n' kaboodle, JA.

Mom, that's awesome.

Jeanne Anne, do you always have to be so dramatic?

Who else would he give it to?

Right?

Oh look, she's speechless now.

Now it's her turn.

She's choking!

Hey, hey, do the Heimlich, she's choking, y'all!

She's choking, oh my God!

Oh my God! - Call 911, call 911!

Jeanne Anne!

Come on, spit it out JA, spit it out!

It's not gonna come out that way!

I'm uncomfortable!

JA!

What are you doing to her?

I think she's dying!

Wake up, darling, wake up baby.

Jeanne Anne, Jeanne Anne, wake up.

I'm not done with you baby, please don't leave me.

Jeanne Anne, I love you. - Jimmy, Jimmy,

do the look, feel, touch.

I looked down there, but I can't see.

She's not getting any air.

Jeanne Anne, Jeanne Anne.

I gotta frack it down. - Frack her, Dad, frack her!

Oh God, it worked! - She's alive!

Oh my God! - Help me!

Help me get her up.

Oh Jeanne Anne! - Oh my God.

Oh my God, Mom, that was so scary.

Dad saved your life, he fracked you.

Baby, don't you ever do that again.

I saw them. They were standing right there.

I talked to them.

Who, honey?

Papo and MeMaw.

They hugged me and,

and said they were fine, that they loved me.

And then MeMaw said that I had to come back because y'all needed me.

They had cocktail glasses in their hands

like it was happy hour.

I felt Papo's breath.

It smelled like warm whiskey.

I told you, Papo's breath.

And I smelled MeMaw's perfume, like two rose bushes

and a honeysuckle.

And I looked back and they raised their glasses.

They had crushed ice.

Mom, I love you, I'm so glad you're not dead. But you gotta hear this.

According to this, Papo has executed your wishes, Mom.

This is from Jeanne Anne, March 24, 2003, to Papo.

I think you should read it, Dad.

Dear Daddy, I thought about our last discussion

and I've come to the following conclusion.

Jimmy is the most understanding,

warm loving husband a woman could have.

But I feel his frustration with me.

I wish I could be the open, playful partner

that Jimmy needs, but I'm just not a free spirit.

I love Jimmy more than anything or anyone.

And I always have.

Please promise me that if I ever receive any inheritance,

I would like it all to go to Jimmy, all of it.

Maybe then he'll realize how much I really love him.

I know you'll honor my wish.

Thank you for always being there for me.

Your loving daughter, Jeanne Anne.

Well, I'll be damned if a drought didn't end with a flood.

You gave him the ranch, baby.

Hell honey, I mean, I don't know what to say.

You can have it back, I believe you.

I don't want it back.

I want you to know how much I really do love you.

And I always have.

There is not a material possession, amount of money,

or secret fishing hole than can ever express

how much I do love you.

I love this.

So do I.

But then it doesn't hurt.

I want you to have it all and run that ranch,

just like Papo did.

And we'll run it as one big family, Sallie and Juan included.

I really do love this family.

Wait, Dad, there's more.

Okay, Papo wants us to do a toast. Grab your glasses.

Oh! - Are you kidding me?

A toast, to love, health, wealth,

and plenty of time to enjoy it.

To love, health, wealth, and plenty of time to enjoy them.

And with that, my beloved ones, goodbye,

and be well until we see you on this side of the dirt.

This side of the star dirt.

Oh baby, I love you.

I love you guys, man.

I love you, big boy.