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(BELLS JANGLE)
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(WIND HOWLS)
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Hello, and welcome
to a Grand Tour special,
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00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:20,800
which comes to you from
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00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:26,040
the emptiest, most sparsely
populated country on Earth.
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00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:29,320
Mongolia.
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(ENGINE REVVING)
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(TRAIN WHISTLE BLASTS)
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00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:45,600
Now, ordinarily when we
go on these adventures,
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00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:50,560
we have a vague idea
about the sort of things
that we might be doing.
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00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:52,680
But this time, we don't.
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00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,200
RICHARD: No, not a clue.
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00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,880
The situation is,
we took off from
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00:00:56,920 --> 00:00:59,960
the capital city of
Mongolia, Ulaanbaatar,
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00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:01,720
and flew for two,
two-and-a-half hours,
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00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:04,040
over terrain
that was much like this.
17
00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:06,440
Actually, quite familiar.
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00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:07,880
Unthreatening.
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00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:11,680
But it was completely empty.
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00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:14,680
It was like flying over the
whole of the British Isles
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00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:18,400
and not seeing a town,
a village, a road,
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a powerline, a quarry,
not even a farm.
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00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:25,560
There wasn't a shred of
evidence, from what we saw
out of the aeroplane window,
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00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:28,840
that man has ever existed.
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00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,960
Yeah, this is what the world
would have looked like,
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00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:34,240
pretty much,
on about page three of the
Book of Genesis, I reckon.
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00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:37,320
And then
we were dropped off here...
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(CHUCKLES)
...and we don't know why.
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We don't know anything.
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An hour or so later,
though...
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(CAMERA POWERING UP)
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(WHIRRING OF ROTOR BLADES)
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00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:53,360
That's a chopper.
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-There, look.
-Yeah.
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00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:10,360
Why isn't he landing?
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00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:11,560
What's he doing?
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-Whoa, look at this.
-Look!
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RICHARD: Hang on a minute.
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(WIND WHISTLING)
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00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:32,760
-Whoa.
-Look at that.
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What's he dropping?
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00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:45,080
JEREMY: It's got to be
supplies. Firewood...
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00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:46,680
RICHARD: Food.
JEREMY: Shelter.
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00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:48,080
JAMES: Hats.
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00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:49,720
-Hats?
-Well, you need a hat.
It's sunny.
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00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:51,360
They're not gonna
fly out hats to us.
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So that... He's...
That's him gone, then.
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-He's not landing.
RICHARD: Oh.
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00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:00,400
Does that mean
we're not going home, then?
50
00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:04,360
RICHARD: James, the
helicopter has buggered off.
51
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:07,640
And we're alone with
three boxes full of quiche
or something.
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00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:09,600
Well, let's go
and have a look, then.
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00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:14,320
JEREMY: I mean, what
we really need is transport.
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00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:16,560
RICHARD:
Yeah. That would be useful.
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00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,320
JAMES: They haven't
got cars in them.
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00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:20,400
-Could you get a car in that?
-No, look, it's thin.
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00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:21,680
It's only about that wide.
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00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:28,160
-So this is
the webbing that...
-Well, that comes off.
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00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,400
Oh, hello, there's a crowbar
there. So that's...
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Good.
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Right, lifting it here.
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-That's it.
-Stand clear.
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00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:40,800
Oh!
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00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,920
-Well...
-Water.
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00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:48,200
-What's in...
-The hell...
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00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:51,040
Oh, shit. Is that an engine?
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00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:52,800
That's an engine.
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00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:54,760
A TDi of some sort.
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00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,240
Vehicle lights?
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JEREMY: That is a rear axle.
RICHARD: It is.
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00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:07,080
That's a master cylinder.
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00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:10,840
Guys, I don't need to look
in the other one.
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00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:14,560
We've an engine,
we've headlights,
we've a rear axle.
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00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:16,840
There's enough spare parts
to build a car.
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00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:21,040
-Yeah.
-Oh, come on.
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00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:23,520
What, here?
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JEREMY: As the other two
opened the third crate,
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I found a mysterious bag.
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00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:39,040
OK, well, straight away,
that's a windscreen.
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00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:40,520
Which confirms it.
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00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:41,880
-Yep.
-Guys...
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What is it, a Land Rover?
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00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:46,640
-What's that?
-I have a letter.
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00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:50,120
The nearest civilisation
is a town called Moron.
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00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:52,760
-Is it?
-There's a surprise.
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00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:54,600
"It's hundreds of miles away.
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00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:59,720
In order to reach it,
you must build the contents
of these boxes.
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00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:03,440
You have enough food
and water for seven days."
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00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:06,640
What's that?
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00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:13,640
RICHARD: That's the town.
JEREMY: Moron.
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00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,920
-And that's the start.
JEREMY: We're here.
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00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,200
It says "Map not to scale."
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00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:19,640
JEREMY: There's a surprise.
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00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:22,880
This has been drawn
by EH Shepard.
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00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:25,160
Look, "Rather Boggy and Sad."
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00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,760
"Deep River of Despair."
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00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:29,000
-"Floody Place."
-"Lots of Trees."
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00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:32,120
"Wibbly Wobbly Bridge",
"Very Big Crack".
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00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:33,440
Well, that's not very useful,
is it?
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00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:34,960
Well, we've got to go
northeast, haven't we?
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00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:36,440
But how far is that?
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00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:38,680
Well, we don't know.
He said "hundreds of miles".
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00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:40,600
Yes, but first...
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00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:44,400
-What?
-All we need to do is
assemble this lot into a car.
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00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:48,120
RICHARD: As there was
no instruction manual,
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00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:51,040
May and I began to
go through the components.
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00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:53,400
This is chassis, isn't it?
But it's in two halves.
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00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:57,240
While our mechanically inept
colleague made himself useful
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00:05:57,280 --> 00:05:59,360
by moaning about
the camping equipment.
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That's not a bed!
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00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:04,080
-It's a mattress.
-In...
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00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:06,200
-It's not a mattress!
-It is.
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00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:07,600
If you go to
Peter Jones and say,
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00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:09,240
"Can I have a mattress?"
they don't give you this.
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00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:11,280
-The heaviest bit
is the engine...
-Yes.
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00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:13,840
...which is over there,
so we need to take
the other bits over there.
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00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:15,880
-Yes, that's
a very good idea.
-Let's do that.
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00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:17,840
(JEREMY WAILS SPOOKILY)
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00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:20,120
-Jeremy's pretending
to be a ghost.
-I'll pretend to be scared.
120
00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:22,000
To be a ghost,
you first have to be dead.
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00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:26,160
RICHARD: Nice work.
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00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:28,360
So what we should do
is lay everything out.
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00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:31,120
Why not put the parachute out
as a dust sheet, put it all
on the parachute?
124
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:33,160
Good idea.
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00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:37,000
If we lay it out, it can be
the floor of our workshop.
126
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:39,840
-If either of you
have any emergencies...
-No!
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00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:41,600
-Hey, Hammond.
-Yeah?
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00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:44,000
-It's a Land Rover engine,
you'll be pleased to know.
-Is it?
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00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:46,600
JEREMY: "Hey, Hammond.
Hey, Hammond."
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00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:50,040
-Why don't you do something
useful? Unwrap something.
-"Hey, Hammond.
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00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:51,040
Hammond."
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00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:54,680
JEREMY: As my colleagues
fiddled about
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00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:56,600
with stuff
I didn't understand...
134
00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:59,080
That says
"Chassis mid-section."
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00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,560
...I found something
that I did.
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00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:02,800
Hello!
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00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:05,760
I wasn't expecting that.
138
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,920
However, there was a problem.
139
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,360
-Just pop that down
for a second.
-Yes.
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00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:13,000
-This is a box of rations,
OK?
-Yes.
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00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:15,840
Now, forgive me
but I could swear...
142
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:20,120
RICHARD: Oh, God.
143
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:23,120
-Why would Wilman do that?
-Because he's evil.
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00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:25,600
Why would he send us a car
in bits that isn't a car?
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00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:27,680
I don't care about
the car in bits.
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00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:31,600
He and both of you, actually,
are quite capable of
doing that.
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00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:35,040
This, on the other hand,
is a catastrophe.
148
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,840
-How many of those
have you found?
-One.
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00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:40,840
Why don't you
trouble yourself
with matters food-related?
150
00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:43,560
-That's a good idea.
-Gather it together in one
place, see what we've got.
151
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:47,840
So, I see. So I become
food and beverage manager
of the project?
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00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:49,720
-If you want to call it that.
-If you like.
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00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,480
A bit like Robert De Niro
in Casino.
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00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,000
In every conceivable way.
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00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,240
He was the food and beverage
manager of the casino.
156
00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:58,400
And I shall be the food
and beverage manager
of our little project.
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00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:00,200
OK, from now on
we'll call you Robert.
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00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:02,080
-Why don't you gather all
the food-related things...
-Thank you.
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00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:03,640
-Off you go, Robert.
-It's my middle name.
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00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:07,040
-Mr De Niro.
-Mr De Niro, yes.
That'll be great.
161
00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:11,120
RICHARD: Whilst the raging
baboon went off to sort
the food and beverages,
162
00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:17,040
James and I continued to
unpack the components.
163
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,720
JAMES: Oh, wait a minute,
that's got pedals
attached to it.
164
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:22,080
-Oh, yeah.
-So that's the bulkhead
essentially.
165
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:30,440
And eventually the giant
Airfix kit was laid out.
166
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:33,840
That's where
we will build it.
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00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,320
This is our workshop.
168
00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:37,200
JAMES: I would say we've got
hundreds of components,
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00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:38,640
not including fasteners
and things.
170
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:44,080
JEREMY: Meanwhile,
in the lee of a nearby hill,
171
00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:46,640
I had been very
busy as well.
172
00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:49,200
Right,
I've got the campsite built.
173
00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:51,520
Two tents here
for the snorers.
174
00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:54,600
One over there for me,
so I can't hear them.
175
00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:57,400
There's the lavatory.
And now...
176
00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,200
I'm gonna start work
on lunch.
177
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,720
Which meant making fire.
178
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:07,440
Yes.
(STRAINED) Yes!
179
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,240
Please!
180
00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:11,240
So, gearbox on.
181
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,120
-Yeah.
-Yep.
182
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:15,880
RICHARD: Back at base,
we were doing well...
183
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:18,280
There, that's it, whoa.
184
00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:21,840
...even though James
was being very annoying.
185
00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:23,480
Hang on, let's just think
about where all...
186
00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:25,160
We haven't got the nuts and
bloody fasteners ready.
187
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,080
Let's just get on with it.
Get it lined up.
188
00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:30,160
OK.
189
00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:31,760
-That's quite good.
-Offer it up.
190
00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:33,840
Push forwards. Yes.
191
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:35,440
-Oh-ho-ho!
-Well done.
192
00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:40,200
-Hey, James.
-21.
193
00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,880
I've got a metal willy.
194
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,040
RICHARD:
Captain OCD, however,
195
00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:47,400
was not in the mood
for willy gags.
196
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:50,480
Where the chuffing hell
has it gone?
197
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:52,640
This is why you put 'em back
in the same place.
198
00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:55,160
Where did you put it
last time you had the 19?
199
00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:56,880
-Oh, for God's sake...
-Ratchet.
200
00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:59,040
...just find any (BLEEP)
spanner?
201
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,280
JEREMY: With absolutely
no help at all
202
00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:04,400
from the cameraman's
lighter,
203
00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:06,360
I had struck gold.
204
00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:08,320
I have made fire!
205
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:13,120
Right.
206
00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:19,200
Right, what have we got?
207
00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:23,400
These are British Army
rations. Oh, God!
208
00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:25,880
I'm... I've stuck my knife
through that one.
209
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:29,600
So the water's gonna get
in there and spoil it a bit.
210
00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:33,000
Tropical fruit and nut mix.
Mm, I like that.
211
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:35,120
I might just deny
this was ever in it.
212
00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:39,760
Mm.
213
00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:42,320
Lift.
214
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:44,840
So that goes up,
axle goes underneath.
215
00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:48,760
Lower it down on that,
Bob will be our uncle.
216
00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:50,760
-Straighten up.
-Yeah.
217
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:55,440
-There you go.
-Bump stop on.
218
00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:59,360
RICHARD: After many hours
of hard work,
219
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:02,000
we had made
cracking progress.
220
00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:04,880
-It is on its own wheels.
-Rolling chassis!
221
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,560
Look at that!
222
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:08,040
Which meant we were famished
223
00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:10,840
when Mr De Niro
finally got back.
224
00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:12,000
-Chaps.
-Hello.
225
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:14,160
-I've got your lunch.
-Oh, about bloody time.
226
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:16,800
-Oh, sorry it's a bit late.
-Yeah, it's tea really,
isn't it?
227
00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:19,600
That's yours and mine.
They were the same.
But, no, it's...
228
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:22,360
What's this?
229
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,080
It looks like cat sick.
230
00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:26,160
It should look like that.
That's how it is.
231
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:28,600
But the bag
may have got a bit snicked.
232
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:32,400
Unfortunately, I licked that,
so this is mine.
233
00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:33,760
It's stone cold, man.
234
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:35,320
What have you been doing
all this time?
235
00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:38,160
Well, I might ask you
the same question.
236
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:41,760
I have built a town, a sewage
system and a restaurant.
237
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,600
I have cooked in
the restaurant and I
have brought you your food.
238
00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:47,400
-Which is cold.
-You meanwhile
have bolted some wheels.
239
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,840
You've done
literally nothing.
240
00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:52,280
Are you kidding?
We've got a rolling chassis.
We've got the engine in.
241
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,800
How do you think we did that
and got those axles on?
242
00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:57,440
-All right, start it up.
-It doesn't go yet.
243
00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:59,080
We would have
got a bit further on
244
00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:01,120
if we hadn't insisted on
lining up the damn...
245
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:03,360
-I haven't been
lining up the tools.
-You did. You did.
246
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:05,280
-I've been saying...
-We would have spent
more time...
247
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:06,800
...keep the fasteners
in the right place,
248
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:09,120
otherwise Hammond
puts the wrong ones in.
249
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:11,760
You're talking over
each other. Can you do it
one at a time?
250
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:14,120
The one that you wanted
was over here in the dust.
251
00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:16,840
I am making
an executive decision here.
252
00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:19,280
-Hammond is in charge of
the build of this car.
-What?
253
00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:22,200
You can't make Hammond
in charge of the build.
You're not in a position to.
254
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:24,360
-We have to have
a vote on it.
-Listen.
255
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,480
I don't know how to build
a car, so that's me out, OK?
256
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,880
You, May, you do know
how to build a car
257
00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:32,080
but it'll take you six
months, so you're out.
258
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:35,520
Hammond, he sort of
knows how to build a car
but he'll do it quickly.
259
00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:36,960
So he has to be in charge.
260
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:38,920
He has to get you speeded up.
261
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:41,960
-OK, I'm only doing what
Hammond tells me to do.
-Right, good.
262
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,680
Sir, not wishing to
speak out of turn
263
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:45,560
but is there any reason
why I shouldn't do that
264
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,240
with an extension
on a socket wrench, sir?
265
00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:49,960
-Stop calling me "sir"
and just...
-Just... James...
266
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:51,800
He doesn't know
what he's doing.
267
00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:54,840
Would either of you two
like a beer? Would that
calm you down?
268
00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:56,120
-Oh, yes.
-Yes, it would.
269
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:57,360
Right, as food
and beverages manager,
270
00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:58,440
I shall go
and get you one.
271
00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:01,240
I'll have a beer, please,
Robert.
272
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:04,440
JEREMY: With the promise of
beer, harmony was restored.
273
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:06,240
So this should line up.
274
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:08,560
It does.
275
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:13,280
So we've got
two different lengths,
three different lengths...
276
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,600
RICHARD: Let's move it
and then go forwards.
277
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:18,720
Wait. Move forwards.
278
00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:20,360
JAMES: Hang on. There's
a cable or something.
279
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,320
RICHARD:
That's the axle breather.
280
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,720
Just move it
and then go forwards.
281
00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:26,960
(JEREMY HUMS)
282
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:32,840
Er...
283
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:34,800
-What are you looking for?
-What are you doing?
284
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:38,880
I've searched everywhere.
They haven't sent any beer.
285
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:43,200
Or gin or wine
or alcohol of any sort.
286
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:45,320
Is that serious
or is that a joke?
287
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:46,920
MAN: No, it's serious.
288
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,320
-Seriously there isn't any?
-No beer.
289
00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:55,560
No alcohol, nothing.
290
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:57,960
And it's seven days away?
291
00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:01,920
-We've got...
It takes seven...
-And it's six o'clock.
292
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,560
How long is it gonna
take you to build this?
293
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:06,720
It's now five past six.
294
00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:08,720
Well, we're not going to be
finished tonight, are we?
295
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,240
We're not gonna
finish it tonight.
296
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:16,800
JAMES: Spurred on
by the catastrophic
alcohol situation...
297
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:18,960
Bulkhead support.
Bulkhead support!
298
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:22,440
...Hammond and I
put in a big shift.
299
00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:25,440
And then, tired and hungry,
we went to the camp
300
00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:29,120
for some more of Mr De Niro's
gourmet catering.
301
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,120
Right, now, what do you
want for supper?
302
00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:35,600
-What have you got?
-You can have hot chocolate
drink, regular flavour.
303
00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:39,120
-For dinner?
-Well, biscuits, fruit?
304
00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:40,880
Again, for dinner?
305
00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:42,320
I didn't provide this.
306
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:44,440
Well, there's some sort of
curry-based things here.
307
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:46,800
-Do you want those?
-I don't like curry.
308
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:48,480
-You do like curry.
-Not really.
309
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:49,840
You're just being obtuse,
Hammond.
310
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:51,960
You're in a bad temper
because you're not drunk.
311
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,320
I'm not sure this is how
you're supposed to cook it.
312
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:04,160
It isn't. You put them in
boiling water
but I couldn't be bothered.
313
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:07,000
Well, why didn't you rig up
a way of putting that pan
over the fire?
314
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:08,680
-Well, you...
-With some water in it,
then...
315
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:10,800
Who built the wigwam fire?
You did.
316
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:14,440
Well, why didn't you make
a hangy thing for the pan?
317
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:16,160
Out of what, mountains?
318
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:18,000
Just...
319
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:22,960
Eugh, God.
320
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:26,280
-It's still freezing.
-I know.
321
00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:29,040
JEREMY: Not only
was dinner cold and terrible,
322
00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:31,000
it was also rather boring.
323
00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:37,560
What do people talk about
when they don't drink?
324
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:39,200
-I don't know actually.
-(SPITS)
325
00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:40,800
It's a good point.
326
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,040
Brexit?
327
00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:45,800
JEREMY: We've worked together
now for many years.
328
00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:48,840
And we've never struggled
to think of anything
to say before.
329
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:51,680
But I think that's partly
because we can never remember
what we said last time.
330
00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:54,480
-So we just do it again.
-Yeah, that's a fact, that.
331
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:57,560
What, you're saying we've
just been repeating ourselves
every night for the last--
332
00:15:57,600 --> 00:15:59,160
Yes, that's possible.
333
00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:10,080
JEREMY: Because
we hadn't had any booze,
334
00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:13,640
we woke the next morning
looking ten years younger.
335
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:24,400
Ready? Oh, down a bit.
336
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:28,200
Hammond and May
then went off to work.
337
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:31,440
-This is the canopy
fixing kit.
-That's the one.
338
00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:34,640
And later, I turned up
with a hearty breakfast.
339
00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:36,320
Of water.
340
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:44,120
Can I just say, what you've
built here appears to have
a central driving position.
341
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:45,360
-It does.
-Yes.
342
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:47,560
-It's mid-engined.
-Yes.
343
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:49,160
-It's a McLaren F1.
-It's a McLaren...
344
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:50,320
Except it's four-wheel-drive.
345
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,480
So it has a sort of
Lamborghini quality.
346
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:55,120
I mean, when we get
the bodywork on it...
347
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:57,320
-Ah.
-Yeah, that's a good point.
348
00:16:57,360 --> 00:16:59,280
There isn't any bodywork
as such.
349
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:02,520
No. The plan is for us
to improvise bodywork
350
00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:05,200
out of the wood that
came in the crates.
351
00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:06,800
That's the only thing
there is to use.
352
00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:09,160
-What, turn the crates
into a body?
-That's all we've got.
353
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:12,080
-Yeah.
-Red, white and blue?
354
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:15,280
Don't say red and white
because they remind me
of wine.
355
00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:17,800
No, red, white...
Pink is wine.
356
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,080
Drink is clear. It's gin.
357
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,520
It's good for you.
It's healthy.
358
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:24,520
-Yeah, it's done you
a lot of good.
-A natural product.
359
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:30,000
James and Richard
then cracked on
with the oily stuff.
360
00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:33,080
Yes.
361
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:35,960
And, since it didn't require
any actual skill,
362
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,200
I was allowed to
help make the body.
363
00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:47,040
-I have made a door!
RICHARD: You have.
That is a door. Brilliant.
364
00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:49,640
I am a manufacturer of doors!
365
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,280
JAMES: As he set about
making another one...
366
00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:56,400
Give it four or five pumps
and then hold your foot on.
367
00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:58,000
No bubbles. Good.
368
00:17:58,040 --> 00:17:59,920
...Richard and I
were working on the brakes,
369
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:02,280
the lights and the roof.
370
00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:07,440
Oh, yeah. We just need to
gather it up and tie it off
in corners and things.
371
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:09,320
That'll keep the sun off.
372
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:10,760
Our plan was to get finished
373
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:13,560
and get moving
by early afternoon.
374
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:20,880
But at the end of the day,
the situation was not good.
375
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:24,440
-So all that wiring has
got to be connected up?
RICHARD: Yeah.
376
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:26,160
I haven't even got
the back lights on yet.
377
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,000
There's loads of wires.
378
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,000
Well, there's no way
we're gonna get
that done tonight.
379
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:31,240
-No.
-No.
380
00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:33,080
Again.
381
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:37,080
Phil, it said in that letter
from Mr Wilman
382
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,920
that it was hundreds of miles
to this town called Moron.
383
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,280
How many hundreds? Seriously.
384
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:44,080
To be honest with you,
I haven't got a clue.
385
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:45,560
So it could be 500?
386
00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:47,080
It... I'd say more than that.
387
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,880
-More?
-What?
388
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:52,640
How much of it is on,
like, paved roads where
we can make progress?
389
00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:55,320
-None. None of it.
-None?
390
00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:56,920
-There's no roads?
-No.
391
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,640
But you've got
an off-road vehicle.
392
00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:00,040
Yes, I know.
But we've only got...
393
00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:02,320
What is it? ...five
days of provisions left.
394
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,720
-Yeah.
-And that's if we
can get it going tomorrow.
395
00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:08,880
-We'll have to do...
at least 100 miles a day...
-Yeah.
396
00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:10,960
-...off road in that...
-Yeah.
397
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,080
...or we'll starve to death.
398
00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:16,280
Well, that's if it's
500 miles. What if
it's 600 miles?
399
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:19,080
-We'll have to do more.
-We don't know.
400
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:24,000
JAMES: All we did know was
that we'd have yet another
night in Mr De Niro's hotel,
401
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:26,760
using up yet more
valuable rations.
402
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:41,080
So that's the main fuse.
That comes off the battery,
doesn't it?
403
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:44,520
The next morning we rose
at five to finish the job.
404
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:46,560
There's technical stuff
in there.
405
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:49,960
And then, having built
two boots for all
our provisions...
406
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,040
Nothing is to be wasted.
407
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:53,720
Everything is to be taken.
408
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,880
...our car
was finally finished.
409
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:14,320
And since our lives
depended on not crashing,
410
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:20,000
Jeremy and I secretly agreed
that Hammond should never
be allowed to drive it.
411
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:25,640
-Right, this is it.
-Here we go.
412
00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:27,800
(ENGINE STARTS)
413
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:29,800
JAMES: Yes!
(JEREMY LAUGHS)
414
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:31,440
RICHARD:
Oh, my God, it works!
415
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:34,560
JAMES: Good, OK, right...
-Oh, James, important thing.
416
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:38,880
In Mongolia,
when you start on a journey,
you have to turn right.
417
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:40,560
-What?
-Is that true?
-Yes, that is true.
418
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,200
-Is that a thing?
-It is genuinely a thing.
419
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,800
-What, every time?
-Every time
that you begin a journey
420
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:46,800
-you go right.
-Right, here we go.
421
00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:49,440
This is it.
422
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:52,320
-Right, James!
-Right, right, right!
423
00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:54,280
-Right.
-That's a rut
or something.
424
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,800
James, you're going left.
425
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,800
Hang on, the wheels are...
426
00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:02,680
-Hey?
-Just turn it... OK, go left.
427
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:04,520
And now set off.
428
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:07,720
The steering's back to front,
Hammond.
How have we done that?
429
00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:09,760
-What do you mean
it's back to front?
-Look, I'm turning left.
430
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:12,000
No, you're not,
you're just going straight.
431
00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:14,960
-Turn it the other way, then.
-If I turn it the other way,
that's straight.
432
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:18,200
And now I'm turning right
and it's going left.
So I need to keep...
433
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:20,800
What have you two been
doing for the last two days?
434
00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:23,560
We put the hydraulic pipes on
the wrong way round
for the steering.
435
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:24,560
Yes.
436
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:30,040
JAMES: Having fixed this
minor issue, we set off.
437
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:31,160
Again.
438
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,320
Ha-ha! It works!
We're going along!
439
00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:43,280
Our car is great.
440
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:46,800
The ride is good.
441
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:48,760
-It's not bad, is it?
-It's genuinely brilliant.
442
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:55,280
-Can we have a mild
brake test?
-Yeah, OK, here we go.
443
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:58,360
-Whoa! Come on!
-Like it? They're
pretty good, actually.
444
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,640
Well, whoever bled those,
well done. Good job.
445
00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:03,360
-That was you, wasn't it?
-No.
446
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:06,400
But the doors I can claim.
447
00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:08,640
And the number plates.
448
00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:15,360
JEREMY: We had no idea
how far it was to Moron
449
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:17,760
and no real idea
of how to get there.
450
00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:21,600
But Mr Wilman's stupid map
451
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:24,120
said we should head
first of all
452
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:25,840
to the Sandy Pit.
453
00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:32,360
-Right, you see between
those two...mountain valley?
-Yeah.
454
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:33,840
Stick to the valley floor.
455
00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:39,560
JAMES: As we trundled along,
it soon became obvious
456
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:42,560
that if Jeremy had been asked
questions about Mongolia
457
00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:45,240
on Who Wants To Be
A Millionaire?
458
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:47,040
he might have got
some of them right.
459
00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:48,800
RICHARD: Sheeps.
JAMES: Sheepses.
460
00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:52,280
Oh, do you know how they
kill sheep in Mongolia?
461
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:53,600
-No.
-Would you like to know?
462
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:55,360
-Your door's come open.
-Yes.
463
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:58,760
-So they make a snick
in its neck, yes...
-Yes.
464
00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:01,680
...put their hand
in through the snick,
465
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:06,040
grab the aorta on the heart
and squeeze it
till the animal dies.
466
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:08,560
Apparently it makes
the sheep feel quite sleepy.
467
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:11,120
-Sleepy?
-I'm not sure,
468
00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:14,960
if somebody made a hole in
my neck and put their hand
in and squeezed my heart
469
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,480
-I'd say I'm feeling sleepy.
-No.
470
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:24,720
Wow, look! Cows.
471
00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:26,960
Or yakky things.
472
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:31,600
Did you know, Hammond,
that you can make vodka
from the milk of a yak?
473
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:33,080
How do I milk a yak?
474
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:35,040
(JEREMY LAUGHS)
475
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:42,200
JEREMY: Eventually,
we started to climb
off the valley floor.
476
00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:47,480
How fast do you
suppose we're going?
477
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:49,880
-No idea.
JAMES: 20mph?
478
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:52,200
This old engine
was the one where it would
get bogged down off-road
479
00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:53,960
because of the turbo,
wasn't it?
480
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:55,120
This is the one that
people complained about
481
00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:57,040
when they put it in
the Defender.
482
00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:59,600
So we're not talking about
a blitz of power, then,
from it?
483
00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:02,680
No, but they're bloody
long-lived... They're
really tough engines.
484
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:07,600
JEREMY: Oh, oh, oh!
RICHARD: Wait a minute.
485
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:09,440
-Wow!
-Oh, my God!
486
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,360
JAMES: Oh, look at that!
487
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:16,480
That's the sandy bit.
488
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:20,160
That's massive.
489
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:24,680
JEREMY: In fact, it was
just a small detached bit
of the Gobi Desert.
490
00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:29,400
But even so, it would
be the first real test
491
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:33,080
for our hastily built
homemade car.
492
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:37,720
Oh, right, there is a river.
493
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,400
JAMES: I see it.
494
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:41,760
RICHARD: I think we want to
get out where that horse is.
495
00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:43,960
-The horse is...
-Literally having a piss.
496
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:46,320
JEREMY: That's milk, though,
coming out of it.
How's that happened?
497
00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:47,800
RICHARD: No, it's wee.
498
00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:50,040
JEREMY: Yeah, you're good.
499
00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:52,240
-Right, up you go.
-(REVVING)
500
00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:54,440
RICHARD: There it is.
501
00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:56,400
JEREMY: Having reached
the edge of the sand...
502
00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:02,000
...it was time
to prepare for entry.
503
00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:03,880
Right, hang on,
let me just get my compass.
504
00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:05,880
This is where we are
gonna need it.
505
00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,080
So I put the N on the N,
don't I?
506
00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:10,920
And then you're looking
for Northeast.
507
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:15,480
-So that way.
-Yeah.
508
00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:18,160
JEREMY: The car had
a low-range gearbox.
509
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:20,600
But as its engine
was a bit gutless,
510
00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:22,960
Hammond and I got out
to reduce weight
511
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:26,880
and set off to climb
the first dune on foot.
512
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:30,040
Oh, Hammond. Beer.
513
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:32,000
Agh!
514
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:34,600
But, boy,
was it worth the effort!
515
00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:42,160
Oh, ho-ho-ho.
516
00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:44,880
Oh, holy mother of...
517
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:48,480
RICHARD: That's beautiful.
I didn't expect this.
518
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:50,880
JEREMY: Well,
it's a lost world, look.
519
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:54,600
As we admired the view,
520
00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:56,800
the world's
best off-road driver
521
00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:58,800
was beginning his ascent.
522
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:03,680
Bollocks!
523
00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:06,800
Be a shame if he misses
this view because of
his incompetence.
524
00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:08,480
-Yeah.
-Because we've
already proved the car works.
525
00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:10,600
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's not the car.
He's just messing about.
526
00:26:16,120 --> 00:26:17,160
Ohh!
527
00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:23,120
JEREMY:
Hammond then went off to
find a route James could use,
528
00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:27,760
leaving me to contemplate the
majesty of my surroundings.
529
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:33,920
They say this is
the dark heart of Asia.
530
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:36,480
Perhaps that's
why no-one comes.
531
00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:38,440
But, I mean, look.
532
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:43,080
And the other thing is,
Genghis Khan
533
00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:47,960
created in just 20 years
the biggest empire
the world has ever seen.
534
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,160
Why? It's not like
he was cramped here.
535
00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:54,240
(SIGHS)
536
00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:56,560
I don't really
want to go to a town.
537
00:26:56,600 --> 00:26:59,320
-Oh, oh!
-(BLEEP) me!
538
00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:00,920
Said the cameraman.
539
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:03,000
We really are good
at wildlife photography,
aren't we?
540
00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:06,880
-"Ooh, (BLEEP) me!"
-(LAUGHTER)
541
00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:08,840
JAMES: Right, here we come!
542
00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:13,400
JEREMY:
With Hammond's help, James
finally got up the dune.
543
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:15,720
Yes, come on!
Come on, come on, come on.
544
00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:18,080
Keep going, keep moving.
Mind that dip.
545
00:27:18,120 --> 00:27:21,280
Oh, yes!
546
00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:25,320
But from then on the going
got tougher and tougher.
547
00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:29,120
(GROANS) Come on.
548
00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:33,200
-Yeah, OK.
-That's what I meant,
that's what I meant.
549
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:35,320
Right, digging.
550
00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:39,840
Yes!
551
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:42,760
Try it up that way.
552
00:27:44,360 --> 00:27:47,120
-James, back it up.
-Agh.
553
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:53,800
(ENGINE STRAINS)
554
00:27:58,040 --> 00:27:59,600
Whoa, not again!
555
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:08,840
-It's gonna go.
JEREMY: Yes!
556
00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:13,160
RICHARD: That worked!
-(LAUGHS)
557
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:17,120
JEREMY: Eventually,
after a lot of digging
and zigging and zagging,
558
00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:20,520
we reached some firmer sand.
559
00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:23,640
Oh, we are
making progress now.
560
00:28:23,680 --> 00:28:25,240
-Oh, yes.
-Straight on a bit.
561
00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:27,280
-Greenery!
-Yes, there it is!
562
00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:29,200
RICHARD: Salvation!
563
00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:32,920
-Ohh!
-Bumpy.
564
00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:34,320
JEREMY:
Hold on, stop, stop, stop.
565
00:28:34,360 --> 00:28:36,400
Stop. I see a problem.
566
00:28:36,440 --> 00:28:38,280
(JAMES CHUCKLES)
567
00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:42,240
Right, so between us
and our quest is...
568
00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:43,720
-A big drop.
-A cliff.
569
00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:48,840
No, it's fine actually,
James.
570
00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:50,160
Is it?
Yeah, it's fine. It's...
571
00:28:50,200 --> 00:28:51,480
Yeah, you're good.
It's like that.
572
00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:54,480
-Good.
-It's pretty much level-ish.
573
00:28:54,520 --> 00:28:56,440
Yeah, you'll be fine.
Off you go.
574
00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:00,400
Oh, you're funny men!
575
00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:03,080
Oh, you're very funny!
576
00:29:03,120 --> 00:29:06,120
JEREMY: Having crossed
the sandy bit,
577
00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:09,080
we paused for
a moment of celebration.
578
00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:15,120
So, there we are.
The first successful crossing
579
00:29:15,160 --> 00:29:17,120
of the mighty Gobi Desert,
580
00:29:17,160 --> 00:29:19,680
or some of it, in that car.
581
00:29:19,720 --> 00:29:21,160
No, hang on a minute.
582
00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:24,000
What?
583
00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:26,920
What's troubling me
is you see that little
bit of river there?
584
00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:30,880
-Yes.
-That's the river we crossed
to get into the Gobi Desert.
585
00:29:30,920 --> 00:29:34,440
And we've emerged
300 metres away
586
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:37,640
from the stream
where we went
into the desert.
587
00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:40,080
James,
I've got some bad news.
588
00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:42,440
We are still south
of the Gobi Desert.
589
00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:46,800
Oh...
590
00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:52,080
JEREMY: Rather than try
to drive through it again,
591
00:29:52,120 --> 00:29:56,760
we decided to bravely
drive round it instead.
592
00:29:56,800 --> 00:30:01,400
Right, now, let's just
gloss over the fact that we
made a catastrophic error,
593
00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:04,480
and ended up
back where we started from...
594
00:30:04,520 --> 00:30:06,480
Just go round to...
We're going round the east,
Hammond.
595
00:30:06,520 --> 00:30:07,520
Yes.
596
00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:14,480
JEREMY:
Do you think this passes
for a road in Mongolia?
597
00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:16,000
I suspect this is a road,
yes.
598
00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:17,320
I should think... Yeah.
599
00:30:17,360 --> 00:30:19,080
Cos do you know
how many paved roads
600
00:30:19,120 --> 00:30:20,280
there are in
the whole country?
601
00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:22,960
-Go on.
-Two.
602
00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:25,760
-There's not two paved roads.
-Outside of the cities,
603
00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:27,720
there are only
two paved roads.
604
00:30:28,840 --> 00:30:30,640
Whoa, bumpy.
605
00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:32,560
(ALL GROANING)
606
00:30:32,600 --> 00:30:34,480
-James!
-Bumps!
607
00:30:35,680 --> 00:30:36,800
(ALL GROANING)
608
00:30:36,840 --> 00:30:39,120
One of the things
I'm worried about is
609
00:30:39,160 --> 00:30:41,040
haemorrhoids
from these seats.
610
00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:42,760
It's a very real possibility.
611
00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:44,560
You can get haemorrhoids
from hard seats?
612
00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:46,400
Yeah. Bounc... Jiggling.
613
00:30:46,440 --> 00:30:48,760
However, there is
a Mongolian cure for them.
614
00:30:48,800 --> 00:30:50,600
(GROANING)
615
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:52,640
Kill a wolf,
616
00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:54,480
remove its anus
617
00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:56,560
and then grate it
onto your food.
618
00:30:58,200 --> 00:30:59,280
I don't fanc--
619
00:30:59,320 --> 00:31:00,920
-Really?
-No, seriously.
620
00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:03,840
Because they reckon that
wolves never get piles.
621
00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:05,400
So they reckon--
622
00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:08,120
What, on the basis that
no wolf has ever said,
"Ooh, my piles"?
623
00:31:08,160 --> 00:31:10,080
"Ooh, my Chalfonts."
624
00:31:12,040 --> 00:31:14,440
RICHARD: Bump! Ooh.
625
00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:16,440
JAMES: As Jeremy
continued to amaze us
626
00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:19,400
with his interesting facts
about Mongolia...
627
00:31:19,440 --> 00:31:23,240
I do know that one of
Genghis Khan's cavalrymen
628
00:31:23,280 --> 00:31:25,800
could shoot an arrow
through a marmot's head
629
00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:29,880
from 250 feet away
while galloping.
630
00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:32,360
...it started to go dark.
631
00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:36,840
But because
we'd covered so few miles,
we had to plough on.
632
00:31:36,880 --> 00:31:39,600
What the temperature is doing
is plummeting.
633
00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:41,280
Where's the heater?
634
00:31:41,320 --> 00:31:43,520
-Ah. There isn't one.
-Yes.
635
00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:46,760
-Look, come on.
-You can thank
Mr Wilman for that one.
636
00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:48,680
RICHARD: Bump!
637
00:31:48,720 --> 00:31:50,160
-(RATTLING)
-Oh-ha!
638
00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:53,480
JEREMY: Soon we couldn't
see where we were going.
639
00:31:53,520 --> 00:31:56,960
-Ready for some lights?
-Yeah, does this thing...
Might be that.
640
00:31:57,000 --> 00:32:00,040
-Lights! There they are!
-(CHEERING)
641
00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:02,320
JEREMY: Hello. We've died.
JAMES: We have died.
642
00:32:02,360 --> 00:32:04,160
RICHARD: Problem.
-Don't panic.
643
00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:06,720
Don't panic. Handbrake,
please, Mr Hammond.
644
00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:08,640
No, we've completely
lost the electrics.
645
00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:10,320
So we turned the lights on
and...
646
00:32:10,360 --> 00:32:13,080
That's what's...
It's fried a fuse, maybe.
647
00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:15,160
JEREMY: The main fuse
had indeed blown.
648
00:32:15,200 --> 00:32:16,440
So we replaced it
649
00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:19,120
and with the roof lights
turned off,
650
00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:23,880
resumed our headlong plunge
into the cold unknown.
651
00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:28,200
(WIND WHISTLING)
652
00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:39,280
JAMES: Let's sing a song!
-No.
653
00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:42,760
JEREMY: Desperate
to cover more ground,
654
00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:45,760
we didn't pitch the tents
till 1am.
655
00:32:49,760 --> 00:32:54,240
And then
after another cold night
of frost-hardened misery,
656
00:32:54,280 --> 00:32:57,720
we wondered how we could make
our car more comfortable.
657
00:32:57,760 --> 00:33:00,040
-Are you stiff?
-Oh, God, yeah.
658
00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:03,760
My neck and back,
like, legs, everything.
659
00:33:03,800 --> 00:33:07,320
Yeah, well, we're gonna...
I think we're gonnna make
extra lumber support
660
00:33:07,360 --> 00:33:10,000
with our rolled up
air mattress things.
661
00:33:10,040 --> 00:33:11,560
And I would suggest from
my experiences yesterday
662
00:33:11,600 --> 00:33:13,320
we use a bit of
the spare leftover foam
663
00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:16,080
and double the thickness
of the arse portion.
664
00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:18,800
I tell you what
I thought of in the night.
665
00:33:18,840 --> 00:33:22,080
-Yes?
-We should give
our vehicle a name.
666
00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:26,120
I thought about that. I came
up with Genghis Car.
667
00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:27,640
-(LAUGHING)
-That's really good!
668
00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:30,480
-It's not bad, is it?
-The only slight problem
with it is
669
00:33:30,520 --> 00:33:33,320
Genghis was
quite a big murderer.
670
00:33:33,360 --> 00:33:35,000
-He was quite murdery.
-I suppose he was murdery.
671
00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:36,720
He did 34 million.
672
00:33:36,760 --> 00:33:38,400
Let's not name it
after him, then.
673
00:33:38,440 --> 00:33:40,680
There's another
problem as well.
674
00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:43,240
-He was quite rapey.
-He was very rapey.
675
00:33:43,280 --> 00:33:45,160
-The rapiest man
ever to have lived.
-Yeah, he was.
676
00:33:45,200 --> 00:33:47,360
Do you know,
and this is not made up,
677
00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:51,560
one in every 200 people
alive today
678
00:33:51,600 --> 00:33:55,160
can trace their ancestry
back to Genghis Khan
679
00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:56,880
or the seed of Genghis Khan.
680
00:33:56,920 --> 00:33:59,280
So how did he have time
to do any warring?
681
00:33:59,320 --> 00:34:04,840
Well, he must have just been
a skin full of sperm.
682
00:34:04,880 --> 00:34:07,760
JEREMY: As work on
the modifications progressed,
683
00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:10,040
I came up with a name
we liked.
684
00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:14,080
-John.
-John's a good solid name.
I like it.
685
00:34:14,120 --> 00:34:15,640
It's honest.
It's unpretentious.
686
00:34:15,640 --> 00:34:17,880
-Dependable people
are called John.
-Yes.
687
00:34:17,920 --> 00:34:21,120
-John Lewis.
-That is a dependable shop.
688
00:34:21,160 --> 00:34:23,160
-Isn't it?
-Yeah, exactly,
because it's called John.
689
00:34:24,440 --> 00:34:26,160
With the comfort mods
complete
690
00:34:26,160 --> 00:34:28,200
and John duly christened...
691
00:34:30,200 --> 00:34:33,160
...we set off in search of
our next waypoint:
692
00:34:34,760 --> 00:34:36,640
the Watery Part.
693
00:34:38,200 --> 00:34:40,880
However,
Hammond was not happy.
694
00:34:42,680 --> 00:34:45,520
Why are you driving?
695
00:34:45,560 --> 00:34:46,880
Well, you drove yesterday.
696
00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:48,760
No, I didn't.
697
00:34:48,800 --> 00:34:51,800
-You did drive yesterday.
-I didn't.
698
00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:53,320
He can't remember anything,
can he?
699
00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:55,000
His memory...
Your memory, Hammond,
700
00:34:55,040 --> 00:34:56,680
is just getting appalling.
701
00:34:56,760 --> 00:34:59,520
I didn't drive.
I still haven't driven it.
702
00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:02,520
To try and distract Hammond,
703
00:35:02,560 --> 00:35:06,280
I came up with some more of
my special Mongol trivia.
704
00:35:06,320 --> 00:35:08,640
Back in the 13th Century,
705
00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:10,640
Khan, Genghis,
706
00:35:10,680 --> 00:35:12,520
could get messages, OK,
707
00:35:12,560 --> 00:35:16,560
from one side of his empire
to the other in four days.
708
00:35:16,600 --> 00:35:20,440
They could do 250 miles
a day. One rider.
709
00:35:20,480 --> 00:35:22,000
-What, relay horses?
-One rider. Yeah.
710
00:35:22,040 --> 00:35:25,320
You'd ride, galloping,
flat out, 25 miles.
711
00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:26,560
When you were a mile out
712
00:35:26,600 --> 00:35:28,200
from the horse station
you were approaching,
713
00:35:28,280 --> 00:35:29,880
you sounded your horn.
714
00:35:29,920 --> 00:35:31,320
They had a horse ready.
715
00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:32,880
You leapt onto it
without getting...
716
00:35:32,920 --> 00:35:34,600
just from one horse
to the other,
717
00:35:34,640 --> 00:35:36,040
and then carried on
718
00:35:36,080 --> 00:35:39,160
and he could do
250 miles a day.
719
00:35:39,160 --> 00:35:42,800
-So how many horses
did he have?
-Across the empire?
720
00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:44,760
-Yeah.
-30 million.
721
00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:50,640
JEREMY:
To keep Hammond's tiny mind
from thinking about driving,
722
00:35:50,640 --> 00:35:53,000
we put him in charge
of navigation.
723
00:35:53,040 --> 00:35:55,800
And weirdly,
he was rather good at it.
724
00:35:57,560 --> 00:36:00,800
So we've got these two
mountain ranges...
725
00:36:00,840 --> 00:36:03,840
and we go left and the watery
bit will be over there.
726
00:36:03,880 --> 00:36:06,440
And guess what?
He was right.
727
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:12,960
It turned out to be a river,
which we'd have to cross.
728
00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:16,840
Er...can't really
get out there.
729
00:36:16,880 --> 00:36:18,920
Over there we can get out.
730
00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:22,000
Oh, yes.
Picking my route carefully.
731
00:36:22,040 --> 00:36:25,800
You don't need low-range.
You just need somebody
with skill and precision.
732
00:36:25,840 --> 00:36:26,880
Whoa!
733
00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:31,560
RICHARD: Agh!
734
00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:33,800
-That went wrong!
-Jeez!
735
00:36:33,840 --> 00:36:35,880
Why would you do that to us?
736
00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:41,560
Oh, the rest of the day's
gonna be bloody miserable!
You muppet!
737
00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:44,040
JEREMY: To make sure
it wasn't, we built a fire,
738
00:36:45,160 --> 00:36:48,160
dried our shirts,
739
00:36:48,200 --> 00:36:52,160
and then set off once more
into the big nothing.
740
00:37:15,960 --> 00:37:20,840
And after a while, I felt
another Mongolia fact
coming on.
741
00:37:20,880 --> 00:37:24,800
It's about the same size as
Spain, France, Germany, the
Czech Republic, Italy--
742
00:37:24,840 --> 00:37:27,480
-All rolled in?
-...Britain, Ireland,
all rolled in.
743
00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:29,520
RICHARD: And it's empty.
744
00:37:29,560 --> 00:37:33,640
Three million people living
in an area the size of
Western Europe.
745
00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:35,600
-Yeah. Staggering.
-Yeah.
746
00:37:37,480 --> 00:37:39,600
With the sun
gently warming us,
747
00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:44,040
we continued onwards in
search of the Twin Lakes.
748
00:37:47,440 --> 00:37:51,360
Until navigator Hammond
suggested we climb
a small hill
749
00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:53,320
to get our bearings.
750
00:37:55,120 --> 00:37:58,640
That looks a lot steeper
from here
751
00:37:58,640 --> 00:38:00,760
than it did from back there.
752
00:38:00,800 --> 00:38:02,520
It's a little hill.
753
00:38:03,640 --> 00:38:05,560
JEREMY: Soon, though...
754
00:38:08,280 --> 00:38:10,160
Axle tramping.
755
00:38:10,160 --> 00:38:13,080
-Quite a lot of
axle tramping.
-Quite bad.
756
00:38:13,120 --> 00:38:15,320
-Right, stop.
-Yeah.
757
00:38:15,360 --> 00:38:17,640
-I have.
-Right, I think
we should get out.
758
00:38:17,640 --> 00:38:20,400
-Why should you get out?
-I'm the only one
who's driven John up hills
759
00:38:20,440 --> 00:38:22,080
and I'm telling you,
that's too steep.
760
00:38:23,160 --> 00:38:24,360
OK.
761
00:38:28,600 --> 00:38:30,200
-You got it. You got it.
-That's better.
762
00:38:30,280 --> 00:38:32,080
-Yeah!
-Come on, John.
763
00:38:32,120 --> 00:38:33,440
-Wow!
-Come on!
764
00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:36,880
JEREMY: He's hopping up
this hill like a rabbit.
765
00:38:36,920 --> 00:38:39,160
RICHARD:
That is a remarkable sight.
766
00:38:43,200 --> 00:38:45,160
JEREMY:
What a machine you are, John!
767
00:38:48,320 --> 00:38:50,440
Good.
768
00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:52,400
(LAUGHS)
769
00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:57,280
RICHARD: Yeah!
JAMES: That's amazing.
770
00:38:57,320 --> 00:39:01,080
John, the mountaineer
of many places,
771
00:39:01,120 --> 00:39:03,880
has shaken his own
brake pedal off
772
00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:05,480
but has made it.
773
00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:10,320
JAMES: That's the first car
ever to pogo up a hill!
774
00:39:10,360 --> 00:39:13,040
JEREMY: Thanks to John's
incredible achievement,
775
00:39:13,080 --> 00:39:16,440
we could now see
what was what.
776
00:39:16,480 --> 00:39:18,800
Nice one, Hammond.
777
00:39:18,840 --> 00:39:21,600
-No lakes.
-Well, we can now
rule it out.
778
00:39:21,640 --> 00:39:23,960
We know it's not there.
It must be somewhere else.
779
00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:26,840
-Yeah, it is.
-Exactly.
780
00:39:26,880 --> 00:39:28,960
No, no, I mean, it is.
781
00:39:29,000 --> 00:39:31,640
Exactly. It's there.
782
00:39:31,640 --> 00:39:35,280
And so now we know where
we are in relation to it.
783
00:39:37,520 --> 00:39:38,920
JEREMY:
With the Twin Lakes found,
784
00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:43,080
we could plot the next leg
of our journey.
785
00:39:43,120 --> 00:39:44,840
Some Trees
are northeast, look.
786
00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:47,120
And there's
a Bumpy Meadow beyond.
787
00:39:47,160 --> 00:39:48,760
It's definitely northeast.
788
00:39:50,600 --> 00:39:52,840
After a pleasant drive
round the lakes
789
00:39:52,880 --> 00:39:54,840
and past Some Trees,
790
00:39:54,880 --> 00:39:58,560
we eventually arrived
at the Bumpy Meadow.
791
00:39:58,600 --> 00:40:00,440
Which didn't sound too bad.
792
00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:03,080
-However...
-Ow!
793
00:40:03,120 --> 00:40:05,040
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
794
00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:09,160
-Ah!
-Bloody hell!
795
00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:11,360
-Oh!
-That's proper bumpy.
796
00:40:11,400 --> 00:40:13,400
Ow!
797
00:40:13,440 --> 00:40:15,360
(ALL THREE GROANING)
798
00:40:15,400 --> 00:40:16,960
(BLEEP) hell!
799
00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:18,480
I can't tell from the map
how long this goes on for
800
00:40:18,520 --> 00:40:20,480
but it looks to be forever.
801
00:40:20,520 --> 00:40:22,440
(KNOCKING AND RATTLING)
802
00:40:25,040 --> 00:40:27,840
(GROANING)
803
00:40:27,880 --> 00:40:30,200
Smooth bit. Smooth.
804
00:40:30,280 --> 00:40:33,320
Gentlemen, enjoy this moment.
805
00:40:33,360 --> 00:40:34,960
I'm afraid it's over.
806
00:40:36,040 --> 00:40:37,680
-Ohh!
-Ugh!
807
00:40:37,760 --> 00:40:40,520
-Agh!
-Oh!
808
00:40:40,560 --> 00:40:42,200
-Agh!
-Oh, that was huge.
809
00:40:42,280 --> 00:40:43,760
Ow!
810
00:40:47,640 --> 00:40:50,040
(JAMES GROANS)
811
00:40:50,080 --> 00:40:51,920
RICHARD: Bloody hell!
812
00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:54,680
-(THUD)
-Oh! Ooh!
813
00:40:56,480 --> 00:40:58,960
That is 35 minutes
of solid this.
814
00:40:59,000 --> 00:41:02,000
-Yeah. Ugh!
-Let it end!
815
00:41:02,040 --> 00:41:04,360
(GROANING)
816
00:41:04,400 --> 00:41:05,920
There's the end, look, there.
817
00:41:05,960 --> 00:41:07,880
I know,
but it's 300 yards away.
818
00:41:07,920 --> 00:41:10,160
(GROANING)
819
00:41:10,160 --> 00:41:12,320
-Ooh!
-Ooh!
820
00:41:12,360 --> 00:41:14,440
I just dislocated
my pelvis if that's possible.
821
00:41:16,000 --> 00:41:17,920
It's just
snapped back into place.
822
00:41:20,120 --> 00:41:21,480
RICHARD: Oh, God.
823
00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:23,440
(RICHARD AND JAMES
SIGH WITH RELIEF)
824
00:41:30,440 --> 00:41:33,960
This is 500 miles.
Let's say we've done...
even if we've done 100...
825
00:41:34,000 --> 00:41:35,160
Yeah.
826
00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:36,760
Which is probably
about right.
827
00:41:36,800 --> 00:41:38,680
Don't think about it.
828
00:41:42,080 --> 00:41:45,160
Oh, 400 more miles of
not sleeping, not drinking
829
00:41:45,200 --> 00:41:48,080
and driving over
that sort of stuff.
830
00:41:48,120 --> 00:41:50,360
God, bloody hell!
831
00:41:50,400 --> 00:41:53,080
I wouldn't even call that a
meadow. It's not a meadow.
832
00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:56,640
I bet it was invented
by Genghis Khan
for people he hated.
833
00:41:56,640 --> 00:41:59,480
"You can either
have my solider
834
00:41:59,520 --> 00:42:02,560
put his hand up your anus
and pull your heart out of it
835
00:42:02,600 --> 00:42:04,560
or you can
drive across there."
836
00:42:04,600 --> 00:42:07,160
-Bring on the solider.
-Yeah. It is
bring on the solider.
837
00:42:10,400 --> 00:42:15,160
JEREMY: As evening fell,
we exchanged one sort of
discomfort for another.
838
00:42:16,640 --> 00:42:18,560
Um...I'm frozen.
839
00:42:18,600 --> 00:42:20,560
-What?
-I'm really cold.
840
00:42:20,600 --> 00:42:22,400
And the wind's
coming this way.
841
00:42:22,440 --> 00:42:25,040
I drive a lot faster
than you did yesterday.
842
00:42:25,080 --> 00:42:27,440
I didn't drive yesterday!
843
00:42:27,480 --> 00:42:29,360
What is the matter with him?
844
00:42:31,280 --> 00:42:33,520
JEREMY: God knows
how many miles later,
845
00:42:33,560 --> 00:42:36,160
we came across
our next landmark.
846
00:42:38,680 --> 00:42:41,400
Oh, and there it is.
That is the Creepy Teepee.
847
00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:50,280
What is it?
848
00:42:50,320 --> 00:42:52,640
(LAUGHS)
It must be for something.
849
00:42:52,680 --> 00:42:55,560
JAMES: Well, it must mean
something, mustn't it?
850
00:42:55,600 --> 00:42:58,320
JEREMY: The annoying
thing is, normally we'd
look it up on Google
851
00:42:58,360 --> 00:43:01,040
and then we'd say,
with learned faces,
852
00:43:01,080 --> 00:43:04,160
we know what this is
and we'd tell the viewer.
853
00:43:04,160 --> 00:43:06,360
Well, what we've
actually got to say now is,
854
00:43:06,400 --> 00:43:09,080
"We haven't got
any phone service.
You have. You look it up.
855
00:43:09,120 --> 00:43:10,520
Teepee, Mongolia."
856
00:43:10,560 --> 00:43:13,000
If you wouldn't mind
looking it up, what it is,
857
00:43:13,040 --> 00:43:15,360
and then imagine
we're imparting
that information to you
858
00:43:15,400 --> 00:43:17,280
-in a very learned fashion.
-I'll do it.
859
00:43:17,320 --> 00:43:19,920
(MOUTHS)
860
00:43:19,960 --> 00:43:21,200
James, that's fascinating.
861
00:43:21,280 --> 00:43:23,960
Thank you for telling me
all about this thing.
862
00:43:24,000 --> 00:43:25,840
-Ooh.
-What?
863
00:43:25,880 --> 00:43:27,320
Look at this.
864
00:43:27,360 --> 00:43:29,040
That looks like
bone and string.
865
00:43:29,080 --> 00:43:31,320
-That's a proper piece
of kit.
-I know.
866
00:43:31,360 --> 00:43:33,600
RICHARD:
That's a Mongolian bow.
867
00:43:33,640 --> 00:43:35,280
Ooh.
868
00:43:35,320 --> 00:43:38,560
-Is it finders, keepers,
or can I have it?
-It's finders, keepers.
869
00:43:38,600 --> 00:43:39,920
I'm just checking.
870
00:43:39,960 --> 00:43:41,880
Look, we don't know
what this is, do we?
871
00:43:41,920 --> 00:43:45,040
No. Are we
going to camp here?
Because it's still light.
872
00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:46,480
Should we press on
a bit further?
873
00:43:46,520 --> 00:43:48,560
We can go a bit more.
It's only half seven.
874
00:43:48,600 --> 00:43:50,360
If we camp here,
what are we gonna do?
875
00:43:50,400 --> 00:43:53,880
We'll have the tent up by
eight, fire lit by ten past.
876
00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:56,720
-What do we then think
at ten past eight?
-Well, what we'd normally do
877
00:43:56,760 --> 00:43:59,440
-is drink heavily
and set fire to that.
-Yeah. (LAUGHS)
878
00:43:59,480 --> 00:44:00,800
-But that can't happen.
-No, I know.
879
00:44:00,840 --> 00:44:03,080
But I'm not gonna
be able to resist...
880
00:44:03,120 --> 00:44:05,760
-(RICHARD LAUGHS)
-So I'm just not... Let's
go far away from here.
881
00:44:05,800 --> 00:44:08,240
Let's move on
from the Creepy Teepee.
882
00:44:12,800 --> 00:44:16,440
JEREMY: And so, on a glorious
evening, we did that.
883
00:44:16,480 --> 00:44:20,120
Until eventually...
884
00:44:20,160 --> 00:44:24,160
-Jeremy, you've been driving
for 12 hours straight.
-Yeah.
885
00:44:24,200 --> 00:44:26,760
-You've done really well and
you must be exhausted.
-Here we go.
886
00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:29,520
-Well, no, I tell you what,
why don't I...
-Yes, yeah, go on.
887
00:44:29,560 --> 00:44:31,040
-Really?
-Yes.
888
00:44:31,080 --> 00:44:33,800
I can't sit listening to this
twittering on any more.
889
00:44:33,840 --> 00:44:35,920
-Quickly.
-Really?
I'll gladly... Brilliant.
890
00:44:35,960 --> 00:44:37,480
-Thank you.
-Really?
891
00:44:37,520 --> 00:44:40,280
Well, he just won't shut up.
"Can I drive? Can I drive?"
892
00:44:40,320 --> 00:44:43,400
-Well, I mean,
it's fair enough.
-"Can I drive? Can I drive?
893
00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:46,560
-I built it.
I want to drive."
-Thank you very much.
894
00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:48,840
-First is over towards James.
-Oh-ho!
895
00:44:48,880 --> 00:44:51,120
-Oh, yeah.
-Stop, stop, stop, stop.
896
00:44:51,160 --> 00:44:53,200
What? What?
897
00:44:53,240 --> 00:44:54,480
Well, I'm just thinking,
hang on...
898
00:44:54,520 --> 00:44:58,200
This is literally
the most perfect spot.
899
00:45:00,040 --> 00:45:02,160
-He's right, actually.
-Why don't we
pitch camp here?
900
00:45:02,200 --> 00:45:03,560
-What?
-That is a top camping site.
901
00:45:03,600 --> 00:45:05,760
-Look at the view.
-I mean,
look at the view there.
902
00:45:05,800 --> 00:45:08,480
No, seriously, that is a...
Even you've got to admit
that's a perfect camp site.
903
00:45:08,520 --> 00:45:10,600
Yeah, shut it down, Hammond.
We'll pitch camp here.
904
00:45:12,240 --> 00:45:13,560
(ENGINE STOPS)
905
00:45:15,960 --> 00:45:18,760
JAMES: With that decided,
Hammond and I
got the fire going
906
00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:23,320
and then waited for
the food and beverage manager
to work his magic.
907
00:45:23,360 --> 00:45:25,440
-I didn't stop you driving.
-You did.
908
00:45:25,480 --> 00:45:28,040
-How?
-Suddenly deciding
to camp here.
909
00:45:28,080 --> 00:45:30,160
Well, come on, you must admit
this is the perfect...
910
00:45:30,200 --> 00:45:33,040
Even you can't find anything
to criticise about this
911
00:45:33,080 --> 00:45:34,680
and you're
a camping enthusiast.
912
00:45:34,720 --> 00:45:36,080
-It's very nice, yeah.
-It's perfect.
913
00:45:36,120 --> 00:45:37,400
But there's plenty of nice--
914
00:45:37,440 --> 00:45:39,960
-Guys?
-What?
915
00:45:40,000 --> 00:45:43,720
Have you seen
the ration boxes
for tonight and tomorrow?
916
00:45:43,760 --> 00:45:45,400
No, that's your department.
917
00:45:45,440 --> 00:45:48,200
I know, but I put them
in that box this morning
and they've gone.
918
00:45:48,240 --> 00:45:50,520
All we've got is night six.
919
00:45:52,240 --> 00:45:53,840
We've got night six
920
00:45:53,880 --> 00:45:56,600
and we've got bread-making
kit, which is flour and rice.
921
00:45:56,640 --> 00:45:59,440
Oh, no, hang on a minute.
Where were the ration boxes?
922
00:45:59,480 --> 00:46:01,160
Well, I thought they were
in that back box.
923
00:46:01,200 --> 00:46:02,920
That's where I've been
keeping them the whole time.
924
00:46:02,960 --> 00:46:04,760
-You know,
the one on the right.
-Yes.
925
00:46:04,800 --> 00:46:07,240
The lid of that was
bouncing up and down when
you did the Pac-Man thing.
926
00:46:07,280 --> 00:46:09,200
I bet they fell out.
927
00:46:10,680 --> 00:46:12,360
Well, that's actually
really bad.
928
00:46:12,400 --> 00:46:14,280
Well, we've got ration six,
929
00:46:14,320 --> 00:46:16,240
which is for the night
after tomorrow,
930
00:46:16,280 --> 00:46:19,400
which gives us
tomato and pasta salad,
931
00:46:19,440 --> 00:46:23,200
Thai-style chicken soup,
tomato and pasta salad.
932
00:46:23,240 --> 00:46:25,080
Oh, no. I do apologise.
933
00:46:25,120 --> 00:46:26,960
No, it's all right. Relax.
934
00:46:27,000 --> 00:46:30,280
We've got two sachets
of instant coffee
935
00:46:30,320 --> 00:46:33,040
and one sachet of creamer.
936
00:46:33,080 --> 00:46:34,920
Well, you can't... No,
I'm sorry, I don't buy that.
937
00:46:34,960 --> 00:46:36,880
I have done
high and low searching.
938
00:46:36,920 --> 00:46:40,120
-Were they boxes like that?
-Yeah, they're boxes
exactly like that.
939
00:46:40,160 --> 00:46:41,880
Did you strap them
to the back, on there?
940
00:46:41,920 --> 00:46:43,960
Because I've taken
that sand ladder off today.
941
00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:47,240
Were any of them
on top of here because
all of this has come off?
942
00:46:47,280 --> 00:46:48,880
-All of that.
-I didn't put it in there.
943
00:46:48,920 --> 00:46:51,040
Bloody hell. Are you sur...
944
00:46:51,080 --> 00:46:52,800
I'm 100% sure.
945
00:46:52,840 --> 00:46:54,640
Honestly,
I've looked everywhere.
946
00:46:55,800 --> 00:46:58,080
Well, if we were sensible,
947
00:46:58,120 --> 00:46:59,880
we'd have
how many nights is it?
948
00:46:59,920 --> 00:47:02,000
He reckons
we need three more nights.
949
00:47:02,040 --> 00:47:04,000
And there's three sachets.
950
00:47:04,040 --> 00:47:07,160
-So we'd be down to
a third of a sachet each.
-Yeah.
951
00:47:07,200 --> 00:47:10,040
And each sachet contains,
what is it, 6,000 calories
or something?
952
00:47:10,080 --> 00:47:13,000
Well, there's a lot of
food value in them
cos they're for soldiers.
953
00:47:13,040 --> 00:47:14,400
So what if we share one?
954
00:47:14,440 --> 00:47:16,160
I... Something'll turn up.
955
00:47:16,200 --> 00:47:19,000
Let's just pretend
this hasn't happened
and eat the lot.
956
00:47:19,040 --> 00:47:20,760
It's always my philosophy.
957
00:47:29,640 --> 00:47:33,800
JEREMY: The next morning,
after another sober
and sleepless night,
958
00:47:33,840 --> 00:47:36,280
it became obvious
that the lack of drink
959
00:47:36,320 --> 00:47:39,840
was having a strange effect
on one of my colleagues.
960
00:47:43,680 --> 00:47:45,160
What are you doing?
961
00:47:45,200 --> 00:47:47,880
I've had an idea.
It's raining, yeah?
962
00:47:47,920 --> 00:47:50,200
We need windscreen wipers.
We don't have one on there.
963
00:47:50,240 --> 00:47:53,080
So I thought of
how to build one.
Got all this rubber.
964
00:47:53,120 --> 00:47:54,800
Sandwich that.
Two pieces of wood.
965
00:47:54,840 --> 00:47:56,680
Big piece of wood
over the back of it.
966
00:47:56,720 --> 00:47:59,480
Bit of string round it.
We can operate it as
a windscreen wiper.
967
00:48:00,800 --> 00:48:02,440
What's all that racket?
968
00:48:02,480 --> 00:48:04,760
Well, somebody's
kidnapped Richard Hammond
969
00:48:04,800 --> 00:48:07,360
and replaced him with this
Richard Hammond lookalike,
970
00:48:07,400 --> 00:48:10,040
who got up early,
had an idea by himself,
971
00:48:10,080 --> 00:48:14,480
is executing it by himself
and it's a windscreen wiper.
972
00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:17,680
And you borrowed my book
last night on the history
of Mongolia.
973
00:48:17,720 --> 00:48:21,320
It's very, very good as well.
I've just got to the visit
from those monks
974
00:48:21,360 --> 00:48:23,920
when they're first over there
and first encounter
Mongolian culture,
975
00:48:23,960 --> 00:48:26,320
which until then simply
hadn't been known about.
976
00:48:26,360 --> 00:48:29,600
Anyway, I've got to
get on with this.
I've nearly done it.
977
00:48:29,640 --> 00:48:31,760
The only slight problem
I can see
978
00:48:31,800 --> 00:48:34,400
-with the new dynamic
Richard Hammond...
-Mm.
979
00:48:34,440 --> 00:48:37,280
...is that he might
get his memory back.
980
00:48:37,320 --> 00:48:40,440
-A sober Richard Hammond.
-I see what you mean, yeah.
981
00:48:40,480 --> 00:48:43,200
Um...let's get this straight.
When did he drive?
982
00:48:43,240 --> 00:48:44,880
-The day before yesterday.
-The day before yesterday.
983
00:48:44,920 --> 00:48:48,200
-And he drove last night.
-Oh, yeah. Yeah, OK, yeah.
984
00:48:48,240 --> 00:48:51,880
-So it's my turn, isn't it?
-It's your turn, yeah.
985
00:48:51,920 --> 00:48:54,480
-Did he... Has he really made
a windscreen wiper?
-Yeah.
986
00:48:54,520 --> 00:48:56,240
And it sounds
like it'll work.
987
00:48:56,280 --> 00:48:58,840
-We'll bring him along again.
-(LAUGHS)
988
00:49:02,840 --> 00:49:04,520
JEREMY: We then set off.
989
00:49:04,560 --> 00:49:07,200
And exactly 17 seconds later,
990
00:49:07,240 --> 00:49:11,680
conversation reverted to
the principal issue at hand.
991
00:49:11,720 --> 00:49:16,400
Last night, I had a dream
about a glass of wine.
992
00:49:16,440 --> 00:49:17,760
You're dreaming
about wine now.
993
00:49:17,800 --> 00:49:20,240
And I can tell you
it was a Sancerre.
994
00:49:20,280 --> 00:49:22,360
It had that fantastic
acidic hit at the beginning
995
00:49:22,400 --> 00:49:27,120
and then a couple of seconds
later that slight warmth
in the roof of my mouth.
996
00:49:27,160 --> 00:49:29,840
It was fantastic.
And then I woke up
and it wasn't true.
997
00:49:29,880 --> 00:49:31,440
And I nearly wept.
998
00:49:31,480 --> 00:49:34,480
You know what we should
call this car, really,
instead of John?
999
00:49:34,520 --> 00:49:35,920
-What, Gin?
-Rehab!
1000
00:49:35,960 --> 00:49:37,120
(ALL LAUGH)
1001
00:49:38,280 --> 00:49:40,320
(RUMBLE OF THUNDER)
1002
00:49:40,360 --> 00:49:42,800
JEREMY: Soon the rain
became torrential.
1003
00:49:42,840 --> 00:49:43,680
(CRASH OF THUNDER)
1004
00:49:43,720 --> 00:49:45,080
Which meant it was time
1005
00:49:45,120 --> 00:49:48,320
to unleash Professor
Hammond's invention.
1006
00:49:50,520 --> 00:49:52,440
-What the hell is that?
-That is a windscreen wiper.
1007
00:49:52,480 --> 00:49:54,720
Now, to me.
1008
00:49:54,760 --> 00:49:56,200
To you.
1009
00:49:56,240 --> 00:49:59,120
To me... to you.
1010
00:50:00,640 --> 00:50:02,120
To me.
1011
00:50:02,160 --> 00:50:04,160
Hammond, we're gonna
have to face facts.
1012
00:50:04,200 --> 00:50:06,000
-To me.
-It doesn't work.
1013
00:50:06,040 --> 00:50:08,120
To you.
1014
00:50:08,160 --> 00:50:09,560
To me.
1015
00:50:09,600 --> 00:50:11,080
It doesn't work, does it?
1016
00:50:13,280 --> 00:50:15,040
This is raining
quite heavily now.
1017
00:50:15,080 --> 00:50:16,400
(CRASH OF THUNDER)
1018
00:50:16,440 --> 00:50:19,920
What is all...
What's happening
above me here, look?
1019
00:50:19,960 --> 00:50:21,240
Above you?
1020
00:50:21,280 --> 00:50:25,040
(RICHARD AND JEREMY LAUGH)
1021
00:50:25,080 --> 00:50:26,440
(ALL THREE LAUGH)
1022
00:50:26,480 --> 00:50:28,840
-Oh, dear.
-James, I'm afraid,
ladies and gentlemen,
1023
00:50:28,880 --> 00:50:31,160
has wet himself.
1024
00:50:31,200 --> 00:50:32,520
(ALL THREE LAUGH)
1025
00:50:32,560 --> 00:50:34,480
-We need to work on that.
-We do.
1026
00:50:36,360 --> 00:50:38,560
-It can't rain all day,
can it?
-Yes.
1027
00:50:38,600 --> 00:50:41,760
-Oh, it's...
-Rain before seven,
fine by 11.
1028
00:50:41,800 --> 00:50:43,800
I don't think
that works in Mongolia.
1029
00:50:43,840 --> 00:50:47,480
-That's only in Cotswolds.
-(THUNDER)
1030
00:50:47,520 --> 00:50:48,960
JEREMY:
Oh, hello, what's this?
1031
00:50:49,000 --> 00:50:50,800
Look at that ridge.
1032
00:50:52,720 --> 00:50:55,680
Look at that funny ridge.
1033
00:50:55,720 --> 00:51:00,400
JEREMY:
What we'd stumbled on here
was a huge geological scar...
1034
00:51:03,800 --> 00:51:06,880
...that seemingly
ran on for ever.
1035
00:51:10,840 --> 00:51:15,240
I read about this in a book,
actually, before
I came out here.
1036
00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:17,840
There used to be a lake as
big as that one over there,
1037
00:51:17,880 --> 00:51:20,320
the one we camped by
last night, here,
1038
00:51:20,360 --> 00:51:23,000
and then in 1905
there was an earthquake,
1039
00:51:23,040 --> 00:51:25,880
a truly cataclysmic
earthquake.
1040
00:51:25,920 --> 00:51:28,520
The lake was consumed.
It simply disappeared
1041
00:51:28,560 --> 00:51:34,640
and a crack 400 kilometres
long was formed in the earth.
1042
00:51:34,680 --> 00:51:37,760
But luckily,
this enormous earthquake
happened in Mongolia.
1043
00:51:37,800 --> 00:51:40,840
So the death toll...was 15.
1044
00:51:42,840 --> 00:51:45,680
As I marvelled
at the power of the planet,
1045
00:51:45,720 --> 00:51:49,920
the Professor
was busy mending
and extending our roof.
1046
00:51:49,960 --> 00:51:52,240
Right, so if we put
these two bars across...
1047
00:51:52,280 --> 00:51:54,200
If you pull that
over to your side...
1048
00:51:57,240 --> 00:52:00,040
That's better.
1049
00:52:00,080 --> 00:52:02,840
JEREMY: With that done,
we resumed our journey.
1050
00:52:02,880 --> 00:52:04,800
And since the Very Big Crack
1051
00:52:04,840 --> 00:52:08,280
was one of the features on
our Winnie-the-Pooh map,
1052
00:52:08,320 --> 00:52:11,920
we knew that next up
was the wooden house.
1053
00:52:15,160 --> 00:52:16,600
It doesn't say
what the house is.
1054
00:52:16,640 --> 00:52:19,080
JAMES: Could it be a pub?
RICHARD: Well...
1055
00:52:19,120 --> 00:52:21,360
JEREMY: Well, it could be.
-Exactly right.
1056
00:52:21,400 --> 00:52:22,880
Or just an off-licence.
1057
00:52:22,920 --> 00:52:24,760
If it is a pub, on that map
1058
00:52:24,800 --> 00:52:27,000
it's about 100 miles high,
so we won't miss it.
1059
00:52:27,040 --> 00:52:29,440
JEREMY: Oh, no, this pub is
bigger than the Gobi Desert.
1060
00:52:29,480 --> 00:52:31,640
Yeah, we should spot it,
then.
1061
00:52:31,680 --> 00:52:34,760
It should also have
plenty of stock,
which it's going to need.
1062
00:52:37,760 --> 00:52:40,240
JEREMY: Since we couldn't
only talk about drink,
1063
00:52:40,280 --> 00:52:43,160
we tried to come up with some
other topics of conversation.
1064
00:52:45,040 --> 00:52:47,720
I did a turd yesterday, OK?
1065
00:52:47,760 --> 00:52:49,160
I looked down at it
1066
00:52:49,200 --> 00:52:52,160
and it was two storeys
with a little bit sticking up
1067
00:52:52,200 --> 00:52:55,080
and, as I looked down,
this fly landed on it.
1068
00:52:55,120 --> 00:52:59,120
You could see it.
It looked at me like,
"This is now my palace."
1069
00:52:59,160 --> 00:53:03,480
Then later on that same fly
was in your tent.
1070
00:53:03,520 --> 00:53:08,400
With that subject exhausted,
we fell back on
my new favourite topic.
1071
00:53:08,440 --> 00:53:10,080
There's no getting away
from the fact, though,
1072
00:53:10,120 --> 00:53:13,600
that Genghis Khan was
the greatest military mind
1073
00:53:13,640 --> 00:53:15,720
-the world has ever seen.
-But an utter bastard.
1074
00:53:15,760 --> 00:53:17,000
Oh, an utter bastard.
1075
00:53:17,040 --> 00:53:19,920
I mean,
Genghis once did one town
1076
00:53:19,960 --> 00:53:23,320
and then he cut
all the women and children
and cats' heads off
1077
00:53:23,360 --> 00:53:25,000
and made a pyramid
out of them.
1078
00:53:25,040 --> 00:53:26,720
-Cats is a nice touch.
-Yeah.
1079
00:53:26,760 --> 00:53:29,240
He hadn't got enough.
He needed some filler
for his pyramid,
1080
00:53:29,280 --> 00:53:31,440
so he cut
all the cats' heads off.
1081
00:53:31,480 --> 00:53:33,480
See, that's a warning
to the next town, isn't it?
1082
00:53:33,520 --> 00:53:35,560
The next town is
gonna say, "We give in."
1083
00:53:35,600 --> 00:53:40,520
"Ah, Mr Khan, we've had
a look at your CV and,
yes, you can have the city."
1084
00:53:40,560 --> 00:53:42,840
-"And everything in it."
-"Help yourself!"
1085
00:53:42,880 --> 00:53:45,760
But there has never been
a greater military mind.
1086
00:53:45,800 --> 00:53:47,800
I mean, the Roman Empire
1087
00:53:47,840 --> 00:53:49,520
compared to the Mongol Empire
1088
00:53:49,560 --> 00:53:52,440
was literally
a speck of dust.
1089
00:53:52,480 --> 00:53:55,960
His went from the Yellow Sea
to the Danube.
1090
00:53:56,000 --> 00:54:01,400
At this point, our
conversation was interrupted
by something hilarious.
1091
00:54:01,440 --> 00:54:03,680
-Oh, my God!
-Oh, ho-ho!
1092
00:54:03,720 --> 00:54:06,080
-Oh, dear.
-Can we just see that
on that camera?
1093
00:54:06,120 --> 00:54:07,960
I don't know if we can
turn it round a bit.
1094
00:54:08,000 --> 00:54:09,440
That's our camera
tracking car.
1095
00:54:09,480 --> 00:54:11,520
-(LAUGHS) It's stuck.
-Stuck.
1096
00:54:11,560 --> 00:54:14,160
-John isn't.
John is not stuck.
-Are we stuck? No.
1097
00:54:14,200 --> 00:54:18,440
As we needed the camera crew
to make this miserable trip
worthwhile,
1098
00:54:18,480 --> 00:54:21,040
we had to rescue them.
1099
00:54:21,080 --> 00:54:22,760
Are you feeling a bit smug?
1100
00:54:22,800 --> 00:54:25,080
-I am actually full of smug.
-Yeah.
1101
00:54:25,120 --> 00:54:26,680
-OK, here we go.
JAMES: Ready to go?
1102
00:54:26,720 --> 00:54:28,360
In three, two, one.
1103
00:54:28,400 --> 00:54:30,240
Dump that clutch. Dump it.
1104
00:54:33,160 --> 00:54:35,960
-And we're free!
-John has done it!
1105
00:54:36,000 --> 00:54:37,840
John has succeeded!
1106
00:54:37,880 --> 00:54:42,640
John has pulled
the mass-produced
Toyota Land Cruiser
1107
00:54:42,680 --> 00:54:44,440
out of the mire!
1108
00:54:44,480 --> 00:54:46,880
Here's the message
we're giving you all.
1109
00:54:46,920 --> 00:54:48,520
Buy Mongolian.
1110
00:54:53,360 --> 00:54:57,280
Riding on
a cushion of smugness,
we resumed our search
1111
00:54:57,320 --> 00:54:59,560
for the wooden pub.
1112
00:54:59,600 --> 00:55:03,000
But soon it became
a cushion of misery.
1113
00:55:04,760 --> 00:55:06,680
(WIND WHISTLES)
1114
00:55:08,640 --> 00:55:10,720
Oh, that is cold now.
1115
00:55:10,760 --> 00:55:12,960
Brrr-brrr-brrr.
1116
00:55:13,000 --> 00:55:17,480
(RICHARD GROANS)
How can the temperature
vary this much this quickly?
1117
00:55:17,520 --> 00:55:18,920
It's incredible.
1118
00:55:18,960 --> 00:55:21,640
(GROANS) It's because
it's land-locked, isn't it?
1119
00:55:21,680 --> 00:55:25,200
-There's no sea
to moderate it.
-Exactly.
1120
00:55:25,240 --> 00:55:29,560
Moments later, though,
our spirits were lifted.
1121
00:55:29,600 --> 00:55:32,760
-What's that?
-Pub. That's the pub.
1122
00:55:32,800 --> 00:55:36,280
This is the first time
in two-and-a-half days
that I have hope in my heart.
1123
00:55:36,320 --> 00:55:38,200
-Well, what do you want?
-Scotch.
1124
00:55:38,240 --> 00:55:41,040
-I'd have mulled wine.
-No, brandy. I think brandy.
1125
00:55:41,080 --> 00:55:42,320
What about
some King's Ginger?
1126
00:55:42,360 --> 00:55:45,640
Ooh, God! Yes.
1127
00:55:45,680 --> 00:55:48,160
-There's the door. Right.
-The door. The door.
1128
00:55:48,200 --> 00:55:50,960
Three pints of your finest,
please, landlord.
1129
00:55:52,880 --> 00:55:54,320
Locked?
1130
00:55:54,360 --> 00:55:56,080
Shut, maybe.
1131
00:55:56,120 --> 00:55:59,480
-It's not open.
-Well, they might just
not be up.
1132
00:55:59,520 --> 00:56:02,320
-Hello...in Mongolian.
-Hello.
1133
00:56:02,360 --> 00:56:03,800
-Oh, wait.
-Hello.
1134
00:56:03,840 --> 00:56:06,440
-Oh, no, hang on.
-It's empty.
1135
00:56:06,480 --> 00:56:08,120
-It is, isn't it?
-It's disused.
1136
00:56:10,280 --> 00:56:12,200
(WIND WHISTLING)
1137
00:56:29,320 --> 00:56:32,120
-Hungry. Hungry now.
RICHARD: Yeah.
1138
00:56:32,160 --> 00:56:34,080
-And damp.
-And damp. Very damp.
1139
00:56:36,400 --> 00:56:39,640
You know on other TV shows
where you've got, like,
explorers and stuff?
1140
00:56:39,680 --> 00:56:40,920
You mean Bear Grylls?
1141
00:56:40,960 --> 00:56:42,360
Yeah, they don't moan,
do they?
1142
00:56:42,400 --> 00:56:43,840
-No, they don't moan...
-He doesn't moan.
1143
00:56:43,880 --> 00:56:45,400
-...because they
go back to a hotel.
-Yeah.
1144
00:56:45,440 --> 00:56:47,360
"Oh, I'm being chased
by a bear,"
1145
00:56:47,400 --> 00:56:51,520
which is a man in a (BLEEP)
bear costume,
and then he goes to a hotel.
1146
00:56:51,560 --> 00:56:56,800
We, on the other hand,
are stupid enough to sit
in a homemade car
1147
00:56:56,840 --> 00:57:00,800
when it's minus 40,
with no drink, no food,
1148
00:57:00,840 --> 00:57:03,040
and no end in sight
to this journey.
1149
00:57:05,400 --> 00:57:08,760
I'm actually getting fed up.
1150
00:57:08,800 --> 00:57:11,080
JEREMY: Several
horrible hours later, though,
1151
00:57:11,120 --> 00:57:13,880
our spirits were
lifted once more.
1152
00:57:13,920 --> 00:57:15,520
Wait a second. Is that...
1153
00:57:17,280 --> 00:57:19,080
That's a road.
1154
00:57:19,120 --> 00:57:22,080
That's the first made road
we've seen.
1155
00:57:22,120 --> 00:57:23,720
The only place it can go
is Moron.
1156
00:57:23,760 --> 00:57:25,880
-It's the only place.
-There isn't any other.
1157
00:57:25,920 --> 00:57:29,560
Why go to the trouble
of making a road unless
it goes to the only town?
1158
00:57:29,600 --> 00:57:31,960
-It's a road!
-This goes to Moron!
1159
00:57:32,000 --> 00:57:33,440
JEREMY: We're on a road!
1160
00:57:33,480 --> 00:57:35,320
Oh, let's get some speed up.
1161
00:57:35,360 --> 00:57:37,000
We'll be at the pub tonight!
1162
00:57:37,040 --> 00:57:39,440
Pub tonight,
we'll be straight there.
1163
00:57:39,480 --> 00:57:40,880
Oh, my God!
1164
00:57:40,920 --> 00:57:43,360
I've never been so happy
in my entire life.
1165
00:57:43,400 --> 00:57:45,280
-There's a bridge...
-Smell it.
1166
00:57:45,320 --> 00:57:48,920
We haven't even got
to clamber down.
There's an actual bridge!
1167
00:57:48,960 --> 00:57:52,360
JEREMY: The bridge,
as it turned out, was
the Wibbly Wobbly Bridge.
1168
00:57:52,400 --> 00:57:55,560
But Wibbly Wobbly was
a bit of an understatement.
1169
00:57:59,480 --> 00:58:04,160
This was no problem for John,
though, who simply
hopped through the river.
1170
00:58:07,040 --> 00:58:08,880
It's a signature
characteristic.
1171
00:58:08,920 --> 00:58:10,400
-And back onto the road.
-It works.
1172
00:58:10,440 --> 00:58:12,160
-Here we go.
-Moron, here we come!
1173
00:58:12,200 --> 00:58:13,360
-Bunny hopping.
-Yes!
1174
00:58:13,400 --> 00:58:15,240
Yes! Yes!
1175
00:58:15,280 --> 00:58:17,360
What?
1176
00:58:17,400 --> 00:58:18,760
JAMES: Well, that was
a bit short-lived.
1177
00:58:18,800 --> 00:58:20,720
Oh, why has it just ended?
1178
00:58:22,200 --> 00:58:23,800
JEREMY:
The reason it had ended
1179
00:58:23,840 --> 00:58:26,480
was because of the
next feature on our map...
1180
00:58:28,400 --> 00:58:30,200
...which up close
appeared to be...
1181
00:58:32,160 --> 00:58:35,040
...completely impassable.
1182
00:58:35,080 --> 00:58:40,440
However, Eeyore likes
boggy and sad places, so...
1183
00:58:40,480 --> 00:58:43,400
-James, don't just...
James, don't drive in...
-As the bloody crow flies!
1184
00:58:43,440 --> 00:58:45,520
Well, pick a route!
1185
00:58:45,560 --> 00:58:47,960
JAMES: It's the same as
the stuff we were doing
yesterday.
1186
00:58:48,000 --> 00:58:50,200
-Slow down!
-Not so fast!
1187
00:58:50,240 --> 00:58:52,320
-Slow down!
-Calm down.
It's fine.
1188
00:58:52,360 --> 00:58:54,640
This is an off-roader.
It's perfectly capable
of this sort of thing.
1189
00:58:54,680 --> 00:58:58,520
-Well, it's not, is it?
It's...
-Just stop, stop, stop.
1190
00:58:58,560 --> 00:59:00,840
It is idiotic
to drive in here.
1191
00:59:00,880 --> 00:59:03,680
It's poured with rain all
last night and all morning.
1192
00:59:03,720 --> 00:59:05,800
It's gonna be
an absolute quagmire.
1193
00:59:05,840 --> 00:59:07,480
We've got to get
to those mountains.
1194
00:59:07,520 --> 00:59:09,000
-Well, look...
-Let's find a...
1195
00:59:09,040 --> 00:59:10,960
We'll find a way round it.
We need higher ground.
1196
00:59:11,000 --> 00:59:13,160
If we drive around...
Look, if we drive around it,
1197
00:59:13,200 --> 00:59:15,560
that could be an extra
100 miles for all we know.
1198
00:59:15,600 --> 00:59:18,120
The road leads here. This is
obviously the way you go.
1199
00:59:18,160 --> 00:59:20,880
They wouldn't build a road
to something you couldn't
drive through.
1200
00:59:20,920 --> 00:59:22,600
Where are you going now?
1201
00:59:22,640 --> 00:59:24,320
-Well, I'm aiming
for the mountains.
-Water here.
1202
00:59:24,360 --> 00:59:25,600
Oh, we've...
1203
00:59:25,640 --> 00:59:27,560
JAMES:
That's some mud. Don't worry.
1204
00:59:29,720 --> 00:59:31,560
Oh, James!
1205
00:59:31,600 --> 00:59:33,080
Agh! Agh!
1206
00:59:34,600 --> 00:59:36,200
JAMES:
No, that's not gonna work.
1207
00:59:36,240 --> 00:59:39,520
I'm going to kill him.
1208
00:59:39,560 --> 00:59:43,400
RICHARD: Oh, bloody hell!
You've buried it!
1209
00:59:43,440 --> 00:59:46,480
JAMES:
With two fewer passengers,
and the diffs locked...
1210
00:59:46,520 --> 00:59:49,320
JEREMY: Go on, James, go on.
Power, power, power!
1211
00:59:51,400 --> 00:59:53,400
...John boinged free.
-Yay!
1212
00:59:53,440 --> 00:59:54,640
RICHARD: Excellent effort.
1213
00:59:54,680 --> 00:59:56,400
JEREMY: Right, you're out.
1214
00:59:56,440 --> 00:59:59,480
Only another 300 miles
of this bog you've
driven into to go.
1215
01:00:02,560 --> 01:00:04,480
JEREMY: Thanks to
May's stubbornness,
1216
01:00:04,520 --> 01:00:05,800
it looked like
we'd be spending
1217
01:00:05,840 --> 01:00:08,280
the rest of the day on foot.
1218
01:00:10,680 --> 01:00:12,320
RICHARD: It could be
like this all the way.
1219
01:00:14,720 --> 01:00:15,880
Oh, shitty death,
that's a bit...
1220
01:00:19,920 --> 01:00:22,200
The bank collapsed.
1221
01:00:22,240 --> 01:00:26,280
JAMES: Luckily, the new
improved Richard Hammond
came up with a plan.
1222
01:00:27,440 --> 01:00:28,680
Right, this'll do.
1223
01:00:28,720 --> 01:00:30,440
Oh, for (BEEP) sake.
1224
01:00:30,480 --> 01:00:31,760
I can't get my shoe...
1225
01:00:31,800 --> 01:00:34,720
Oh, May! I've lost my shoes!
1226
01:00:34,760 --> 01:00:36,360
Ha!
1227
01:00:36,400 --> 01:00:40,680
What do you want me to do
before I die of hypothermia?
1228
01:00:40,720 --> 01:00:44,280
Because my shoes
are four feet
under the bog over there.
1229
01:00:44,320 --> 01:00:47,640
I'm going to shackle
the high-lift jack
to the eye on there.
1230
01:00:47,680 --> 01:00:50,000
I'm then going to shackle
this tow rope
to the high-lift jack.
1231
01:00:50,040 --> 01:00:53,960
I'm going to set 10 or 12
ground pins into the
solid ground over there,
1232
01:00:54,000 --> 01:00:56,640
use the parachute harness
as an anchor,
shackle this to that,
1233
01:00:56,680 --> 01:00:58,920
and use the jack
as a winch to wind it out.
1234
01:00:58,960 --> 01:01:03,800
I live in Holland Park,
I don't read
off-roading magazines.
1235
01:01:05,360 --> 01:01:08,120
JAMES: He's being very sort
of authoritative, for him.
1236
01:01:08,160 --> 01:01:10,680
Well, he's sober,
and he's in his element.
1237
01:01:12,720 --> 01:01:14,040
Right.
1238
01:01:15,800 --> 01:01:17,720
Give it a go.
1239
01:01:19,600 --> 01:01:21,040
Come on, come on!
1240
01:01:22,920 --> 01:01:24,360
Yay!
1241
01:01:30,240 --> 01:01:34,000
Yeah, those mountains are
only now 70 kilometres away!
1242
01:01:35,080 --> 01:01:37,000
RICHARD: Oh, dear God!
1243
01:01:46,600 --> 01:01:48,520
We could have found
a path round.
1244
01:01:52,720 --> 01:01:55,320
-(SPLASH)
-(JAMES SPUTTERS)
1245
01:01:57,760 --> 01:02:03,080
JEREMY: Several miles later,
James became
his stuckest yet.
1246
01:02:03,120 --> 01:02:04,600
Oh, my God.
1247
01:02:04,640 --> 01:02:06,720
-Ah-h-h...
-It'll be all right, go on.
1248
01:02:06,760 --> 01:02:09,000
-Agh, agh, agh!
-You're all right,
you'll be all right.
1249
01:02:09,040 --> 01:02:10,840
That's very perilous.
1250
01:02:10,880 --> 01:02:15,440
And then, alarmingly,
he asked Hammond
to take the wheel.
1251
01:02:15,480 --> 01:02:18,760
You're going... Wait a
minute, you're actually
letting him drive John?
1252
01:02:18,800 --> 01:02:20,440
Well, he's...
Well, he's from the country.
1253
01:02:20,480 --> 01:02:21,720
You've to remember,
that's only like
1254
01:02:21,760 --> 01:02:23,400
getting out of the
garage at Hammond's house.
1255
01:02:23,440 --> 01:02:25,760
-(JEREMY CHUCKLES)
-(ENGINE REVS)
1256
01:02:25,800 --> 01:02:28,440
You're in third gear.
Try first.
1257
01:02:28,480 --> 01:02:31,440
Honestly, mate,
anyone would think you'd
never driven this before.
1258
01:02:33,120 --> 01:02:35,720
RICHARD: Come on!
Come on, come... come out.
1259
01:02:37,680 --> 01:02:40,520
-Ah!
-He's ruined everything
in there.
1260
01:02:40,560 --> 01:02:41,880
The map, ruined.
1261
01:02:41,920 --> 01:02:44,320
Compass, ruined.
Cameras are ruined.
1262
01:02:44,360 --> 01:02:45,560
RICHARD:
It will go, it will...
1263
01:02:45,600 --> 01:02:47,520
Oh, that's not supposed...
I can save this.
1264
01:02:48,960 --> 01:02:51,280
And he's rolled it.
How far has he covered?
1265
01:02:51,320 --> 01:02:53,320
Less than its own length.
1266
01:02:53,360 --> 01:02:55,280
RICHARD: It's all right,
I'm used to this!
1267
01:02:55,320 --> 01:02:57,240
(JEREMY LAUGHS)
1268
01:02:57,280 --> 01:02:58,840
What are we going to do?
1269
01:02:58,880 --> 01:03:03,560
I know, why don't you,
with your vast bulk,
just stand up on there?
1270
01:03:03,600 --> 01:03:08,000
That could be enough to just
tip it back again. Jump off,
we're back where we started.
1271
01:03:08,040 --> 01:03:09,280
What?
1272
01:03:09,320 --> 01:03:11,520
-You want me to get on it?
-Well, just on there.
1273
01:03:11,560 --> 01:03:13,000
-That's a brilliant idea.
-You're the heaviest.
1274
01:03:13,040 --> 01:03:15,000
That's why they call
you Fatty Car Righter.
1275
01:03:15,040 --> 01:03:17,400
(GRUNTS) Right, I'm on.
1276
01:03:17,440 --> 01:03:20,040
(RICHARD LAUGHS)
1277
01:03:20,080 --> 01:03:21,480
This was entirely
predictable...
1278
01:03:21,520 --> 01:03:23,160
JAMES: There you go.
-It's working!
1279
01:03:23,200 --> 01:03:25,920
-Yay!
-Thank you.
1280
01:03:25,960 --> 01:03:28,080
-Right, the trouble is now,
James...
-Yeah?
1281
01:03:28,120 --> 01:03:30,800
-...he's stuck where he is.
-And you're stuck
where you are.
1282
01:03:30,840 --> 01:03:34,000
But if I climb over you
into that seat,
that should be enough.
1283
01:03:34,040 --> 01:03:36,120
This is like the end
of The Italian Job.
1284
01:03:36,160 --> 01:03:37,800
-Right, I'll stand
on the tyre.
-Yeah.
1285
01:03:37,840 --> 01:03:40,080
Right, so Hammond gets out.
1286
01:03:40,120 --> 01:03:43,080
-As I slide into the middle,
you get in at the same time.
-That's actually clever.
1287
01:03:43,120 --> 01:03:45,200
And then he can get back in
and we're all in.
1288
01:03:45,240 --> 01:03:47,600
-I'm out of there.
-And I'm going to get in now.
1289
01:03:47,640 --> 01:03:50,600
-Right.
-Right, I'm firing up.
1290
01:03:50,640 --> 01:03:52,560
(ENGINE REVS)
1291
01:03:54,120 --> 01:03:55,160
Coming...
1292
01:03:56,920 --> 01:03:59,120
-Agh!
-Jesus!
1293
01:03:59,160 --> 01:04:01,600
-Christ on a...
-That was close.
1294
01:04:01,640 --> 01:04:04,000
JEREMY: Right, we're out.
JAMES: There you go.
1295
01:04:04,040 --> 01:04:05,480
Stop, I want to get out.
1296
01:04:05,520 --> 01:04:08,080
I never want to drive
another inch with you,
or him.
1297
01:04:10,920 --> 01:04:13,720
After such
a fraught afternoon,
1298
01:04:13,760 --> 01:04:16,280
we all needed
a bit of me-time.
1299
01:04:40,720 --> 01:04:43,320
After several silent hours,
1300
01:04:43,360 --> 01:04:47,480
we stopped for the night
at what looked like
a promising spot.
1301
01:04:52,080 --> 01:04:55,240
-But it just isn't, is it?
-Not really.
1302
01:04:55,280 --> 01:04:57,280
(WIND WHISTLING)
1303
01:04:57,320 --> 01:04:58,920
RICHARD: But no matter.
1304
01:04:58,960 --> 01:05:01,680
The food and beverage manager
soon swung into action.
1305
01:05:02,880 --> 01:05:04,280
(HISS OF GAS)
1306
01:05:04,320 --> 01:05:07,560
Using traditional methods
to get this fire going.
1307
01:05:07,600 --> 01:05:09,600
And soon we shall have
some delicious rice.
1308
01:05:09,640 --> 01:05:11,880
-How would you like it,
boiled?
-Yeah.
1309
01:05:11,920 --> 01:05:15,120
-There's nothing
we can put with it.
-(BEEP) Ow! How's...
1310
01:05:15,160 --> 01:05:17,360
What manner of thing
has happened?
1311
01:05:17,400 --> 01:05:20,200
(BEEP) Shit! What's gone...
1312
01:05:20,240 --> 01:05:22,040
RICHARD:
Incoming. (MIMICS EXPLOSION)
1313
01:05:23,520 --> 01:05:25,440
Holy-moly!
1314
01:05:25,480 --> 01:05:28,440
It was a hand grenade.
It was literally
a hand grenade.
1315
01:05:28,480 --> 01:05:30,800
You set fire to the
plastic housing at the top.
1316
01:05:33,880 --> 01:05:38,720
JEREMY: As supper cooked, I
decided to string my new bow.
1317
01:05:38,760 --> 01:05:41,080
Where's my parachute cord?
Here.
1318
01:05:41,120 --> 01:05:43,680
This bow, it goes that way,
doesn't it, yeah?
1319
01:05:43,720 --> 01:05:45,120
No. Goes the other way.
1320
01:05:45,160 --> 01:05:47,480
-Goes that way?
-Yeah.
1321
01:05:47,520 --> 01:05:48,880
-That way?
-Yeah.
1322
01:05:48,920 --> 01:05:51,760
-But surely you'd pull it...
-No, that will break it.
1323
01:05:51,800 --> 01:05:55,640
Because the material
on the outside works better
when it's stretched.
1324
01:05:55,680 --> 01:05:57,560
Its tendon, sinew.
1325
01:05:57,600 --> 01:05:59,280
The material
on the inside, bone,
1326
01:05:59,320 --> 01:06:01,040
works better
under compression
when it's squashed.
1327
01:06:01,080 --> 01:06:04,320
It's the world's
first example of
composite materials.
1328
01:06:04,360 --> 01:06:06,840
Some Mongolian warriors were
the first to ever do that.
1329
01:06:06,880 --> 01:06:08,800
So they put the two materials
sandwiched together,
1330
01:06:08,840 --> 01:06:11,120
so the bone is squashed
on the inside...
1331
01:06:11,160 --> 01:06:12,560
The tendon is stretched
on the outside,
1332
01:06:12,600 --> 01:06:14,720
and then it goes "Pa-twang!"
And as a result,
1333
01:06:14,760 --> 01:06:16,960
their bows could be half
the length of a long bow,
1334
01:06:17,000 --> 01:06:18,280
and still as powerful.
1335
01:06:18,320 --> 01:06:20,600
So they could fire from
horseback over the neck,
1336
01:06:20,640 --> 01:06:23,240
and you fire to the right,
to the left, or behind.
1337
01:06:23,280 --> 01:06:25,480
Those are the three positions
they could fire.
1338
01:06:25,520 --> 01:06:28,320
I used to know this guy
called Richard Hammond
who was daft as a brush.
1339
01:06:28,360 --> 01:06:31,280
How do you know all that
stuff about bows and arrows?
1340
01:06:31,320 --> 01:06:32,600
It's just... I...
1341
01:06:32,640 --> 01:06:35,040
Because I'm
remembering things.
1342
01:06:35,080 --> 01:06:36,880
-(JEREMY LAUGHS)
-Don't like it!
1343
01:06:44,160 --> 01:06:47,600
JEREMY: The next morning,
after eating the last
of our food,
1344
01:06:47,640 --> 01:06:50,120
we resumed
our journey to Moron.
1345
01:06:50,160 --> 01:06:54,520
We reckoned
we'd covered 350 miles.
1346
01:06:54,560 --> 01:06:56,840
But as our map
was not to scale,
1347
01:06:56,880 --> 01:07:00,720
we had no idea
how much was left to go.
1348
01:07:00,760 --> 01:07:05,480
All we did know is that we
were hungry and worn out.
1349
01:07:05,520 --> 01:07:08,280
I've got incredible aches and
pains across my shoulders.
1350
01:07:08,320 --> 01:07:13,080
Well, there is no bit of me
that doesn't ache.
1351
01:07:13,120 --> 01:07:17,000
There's no bit of me that's
warm, comfortable, dry,
1352
01:07:17,040 --> 01:07:22,280
and I defecated
for the sixth, fifth,
sixth day on the trot
1353
01:07:22,320 --> 01:07:24,560
in a field like an animal.
1354
01:07:24,600 --> 01:07:26,680
-(THUDS)
-Oh!
1355
01:07:26,720 --> 01:07:28,920
-Oh, bloody...
-My back!
1356
01:07:28,960 --> 01:07:30,320
I think we got
some air there.
1357
01:07:30,360 --> 01:07:32,720
-(JAMES GROANS)
-Oh, shit.
1358
01:07:32,760 --> 01:07:34,480
(JAMES GROANS)
1359
01:07:34,520 --> 01:07:38,480
Oh, God, that was not good.
1360
01:07:38,520 --> 01:07:41,720
Still, at least things
soon got worse.
1361
01:07:41,760 --> 01:07:43,680
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
1362
01:07:47,400 --> 01:07:49,280
Oh, brilliant.
1363
01:07:49,320 --> 01:07:51,720
Just getting
a golden shower now.
1364
01:07:51,760 --> 01:07:54,040
(ROARING WIND)
1365
01:07:54,080 --> 01:07:57,680
Oh, jeez,
that's the worst it's been.
1366
01:07:57,720 --> 01:08:00,840
JEREMY:
If there's a cliff at the top
of this, I'm going over.
1367
01:08:00,880 --> 01:08:02,800
I'm just going to end it now.
1368
01:08:04,600 --> 01:08:06,520
I want a glass of wine!
1369
01:08:10,320 --> 01:08:12,640
We were aiming for
the next target on our map,
1370
01:08:13,720 --> 01:08:15,720
which was Lots of Trees.
1371
01:08:17,440 --> 01:08:19,960
And soon, we found them.
1372
01:08:25,760 --> 01:08:28,000
-Oh, look at that.
RICHARD: Wow!
1373
01:08:28,040 --> 01:08:30,880
Wowee!
1374
01:08:30,920 --> 01:08:35,080
Holy mother of God, what
an amazing place we're in.
1375
01:08:37,320 --> 01:08:39,880
Next, we were looking
for the Big River,
1376
01:08:39,920 --> 01:08:44,520
and to get a better view
we made once more
for high ground.
1377
01:08:49,320 --> 01:08:51,280
-Come on, John.
-(JUDDERING AND RATTLING)
1378
01:08:52,840 --> 01:08:54,760
Yes, you can do it.
1379
01:08:58,520 --> 01:09:00,440
I'm sorry,
I find that quite funny.
1380
01:09:00,520 --> 01:09:03,080
I think it's when he's happy.
1381
01:09:03,120 --> 01:09:06,120
At the top,
there was no river in sight.
1382
01:09:06,160 --> 01:09:08,120
Just more Mongolia.
1383
01:09:10,040 --> 01:09:13,000
So we broke out the map.
1384
01:09:13,040 --> 01:09:15,240
Right, we've got
a decision to make.
1385
01:09:15,280 --> 01:09:16,800
I reckon we're here, OK?
1386
01:09:16,840 --> 01:09:18,160
Cos we've done Lots of Trees,
1387
01:09:18,200 --> 01:09:20,040
we're about just
sort the end of that bit.
1388
01:09:20,080 --> 01:09:21,920
And we've got to cross this
river, whatever happens.
1389
01:09:21,960 --> 01:09:26,320
We could go either this way
up north and around.
1390
01:09:26,320 --> 01:09:28,120
That probably is
a bit further.
1391
01:09:28,160 --> 01:09:29,920
Or we could go south.
1392
01:09:29,960 --> 01:09:34,720
-That is a lot further
than that.
-Yes.
1393
01:09:34,760 --> 01:09:36,760
But it ends in
the Deep River of Despair
1394
01:09:36,800 --> 01:09:38,200
with crashing water
over rocks.
1395
01:09:38,240 --> 01:09:39,800
They've...
It's illustrated on the map.
1396
01:09:39,840 --> 01:09:42,040
-That does not...
-They made a point
of drawing it like that.
1397
01:09:42,080 --> 01:09:45,200
If we can't cross there,
we'll have to come all the
way back up and round anyway.
1398
01:09:45,240 --> 01:09:47,120
If we go this way,
we'll find a track.
1399
01:09:47,160 --> 01:09:50,080
There'll be a way along the
side, the flanks of that lot.
1400
01:09:50,120 --> 01:09:52,320
-That valley there.
-Yes, round...
1401
01:09:52,320 --> 01:09:53,960
-That's a long way round.
-I know, but...
1402
01:09:54,000 --> 01:09:57,400
It's further but it
doesn't have that in it.
1403
01:09:57,440 --> 01:09:58,800
We are agreed,
then, gentlemen.
1404
01:09:58,840 --> 01:10:00,520
-We are heading north.
-Yes.
1405
01:10:00,560 --> 01:10:03,160
We're not interested
in pretty, we're not
interested in despair.
1406
01:10:03,200 --> 01:10:04,960
We're interested in wine.
1407
01:10:05,000 --> 01:10:07,640
-And the easiest route
is that one. There you go.
JEREMY: North.
1408
01:10:07,680 --> 01:10:10,680
RICHARD: Saddle up.
1409
01:10:10,720 --> 01:10:14,360
JEREMY: Our decision
had added yet more miles
to the journey.
1410
01:10:14,400 --> 01:10:17,160
But there was
an upside to that.
1411
01:10:17,200 --> 01:10:21,760
We would get to see more
of this achingly
beautiful country.
1412
01:10:29,040 --> 01:10:30,680
(WIND WHISTLES)
1413
01:10:30,720 --> 01:10:32,520
Mongolia just changed again.
1414
01:10:41,160 --> 01:10:43,600
-What was I not
expecting to see?
-Camels.
1415
01:10:43,640 --> 01:10:45,240
Yep. What am I seeing?
1416
01:10:48,760 --> 01:10:51,760
RICHARD:
Ooh. Pine. Smell. Ohh!
1417
01:10:53,360 --> 01:10:55,680
And that's real pine,
not pine out of a tin.
1418
01:10:55,720 --> 01:10:58,240
JEREMY: I tell you what
I'll be able to do in here.
-What?
1419
01:10:58,280 --> 01:11:00,320
Go off with my bow and arrow
and catch things.
1420
01:11:00,320 --> 01:11:02,280
-Ha-ha-ha!
-What do you mean,
"Ha-ha-ha!"?
1421
01:11:05,160 --> 01:11:09,040
-Look at that down there now.
-Look at the size
of that eagle on that rock!
1422
01:11:09,080 --> 01:11:12,200
-Holy crap!
JAMES: Oh, God, yes.
1423
01:11:12,240 --> 01:11:14,160
RICHARD: It's massive!
1424
01:11:23,720 --> 01:11:25,520
RICHARD: It's gonna be weird
going home
1425
01:11:25,560 --> 01:11:28,800
when you can't just
set off in the direction
you wanna go.
1426
01:11:28,840 --> 01:11:30,800
-I wanna go over there.
-Go over there, then.
1427
01:11:30,840 --> 01:11:32,560
It's gonna be really strange.
1428
01:11:35,800 --> 01:11:39,280
JEREMY: Many hours later,
we still hadn't spotted
the river.
1429
01:11:40,800 --> 01:11:42,880
Could you hear
my stomach rumbling?
1430
01:11:42,920 --> 01:11:44,880
Not over my own, no.
1431
01:11:44,920 --> 01:11:47,560
JEREMY: But then...
1432
01:11:47,600 --> 01:11:49,600
-That's the river.
-What?
1433
01:11:49,640 --> 01:11:52,640
That's the river.
I just saw it
at the foot of those hills.
1434
01:11:52,680 --> 01:11:54,960
You didn't, Hammond.
Can you see a river, James?
1435
01:11:55,000 --> 01:11:56,640
-No.
-Neither can I.
1436
01:11:56,680 --> 01:11:59,400
-It's the river
of gin in his imagination.
-He's gone mental.
1437
01:11:59,440 --> 01:12:02,400
-You'll see it in a minute.
At the foot of that cliff.
-Oh, my...
1438
01:12:02,440 --> 01:12:06,000
-Oh, he's right.
-Thank you.
1439
01:12:06,040 --> 01:12:10,000
JEREMY: All we had to do now
was get down to it.
1440
01:12:10,040 --> 01:12:13,160
And I had a simple plan.
1441
01:12:13,200 --> 01:12:15,960
-Why don't we go down here?
-You don't know
what's over this edge.
1442
01:12:16,000 --> 01:12:18,240
-It might be really steep
and horrible.
-It might be sheer.
1443
01:12:18,280 --> 01:12:23,520
-(COMEDY VOICE) Relax!
-No, it's not relaxing.
1444
01:12:23,560 --> 01:12:25,800
RICHARD: James, will you hold
it in low ratio?
-Yes, I am.
1445
01:12:25,840 --> 01:12:27,240
Because if it pops out now...
1446
01:12:27,280 --> 01:12:28,920
Then we would be in
a world of pain.
1447
01:12:28,960 --> 01:12:30,880
We'd be doing a million
miles per hour by the time...
1448
01:12:30,920 --> 01:12:32,440
JEREMY: Literally a million.
1449
01:12:33,560 --> 01:12:35,720
(CLUNKING AND RATTLING)
1450
01:12:39,240 --> 01:12:41,080
-It's steep, isn't it?
-It is steep!
1451
01:12:41,120 --> 01:12:44,080
JEREMY:
It's steeper than I thought.
1452
01:12:44,120 --> 01:12:47,320
Soon, though, thanks to my
brilliant plan and driving,
1453
01:12:47,360 --> 01:12:48,760
we made it!
1454
01:12:51,640 --> 01:12:55,040
JEREMY: Oh,
a smooth run to the river.
1455
01:12:55,080 --> 01:12:59,320
Pop across it. Quick
evening drive into Moron.
1456
01:12:59,320 --> 01:13:03,280
RICHARD: Yeah, we can
still get there tonight now.
1457
01:13:03,320 --> 01:13:05,520
JEREMY: But then
when we arrived at the river,
1458
01:13:05,560 --> 01:13:08,760
our hearts sank
into our empty stomachs.
1459
01:13:11,560 --> 01:13:13,840
Look at what's on
the other side. I mean, look.
1460
01:13:13,880 --> 01:13:16,120
-Yeah, that's...
-Observe to your left,
gentlemen.
1461
01:13:16,160 --> 01:13:18,840
RICHARD: That is
a huge problem.
Well, we can't get out.
1462
01:13:18,880 --> 01:13:21,960
JAMES: We'll not even
get up there, to be honest.
RICHARD: What do we do?
1463
01:13:22,000 --> 01:13:23,840
We have to do cross it.
1464
01:13:23,880 --> 01:13:27,040
-The thing is,
it'll take us hours...
-Yeah.
1465
01:13:27,080 --> 01:13:30,160
JAMES: Yeah.
-..to find somewhere
to cross.
1466
01:13:30,200 --> 01:13:31,960
-Hours.
JAMES: And then
it'll be dark.
1467
01:13:32,000 --> 01:13:33,560
-Yes.
-So...say it.
1468
01:13:33,600 --> 01:13:35,720
We're going to--
Yes, we're going to
have to camp here.
1469
01:13:35,760 --> 01:13:38,120
But we've got no food.
1470
01:13:41,320 --> 01:13:43,800
JEREMY:
That wasn't quite true.
1471
01:13:43,840 --> 01:13:46,600
We had some flour,
and a packet of creamer.
1472
01:13:46,640 --> 01:13:50,040
Which we mixed with
some ice-sharp river water,
1473
01:13:50,080 --> 01:13:52,520
and fresh herbs
to create a soup
1474
01:13:52,560 --> 01:13:55,760
that was
surprisingly disgusting.
1475
01:13:59,120 --> 01:14:01,960
And the next morning,
we began our search
1476
01:14:02,000 --> 01:14:03,920
for a crossing point.
1477
01:14:05,400 --> 01:14:07,800
But hang on, is that a gap
coming up there?
1478
01:14:07,840 --> 01:14:11,080
JEREMY: Even if we could
do 30 yards, look behind it.
1479
01:14:11,120 --> 01:14:14,320
Look, we've got to turn
around and try the other way.
1480
01:14:17,920 --> 01:14:21,280
Hang on, hang on.
What about there?
1481
01:14:21,320 --> 01:14:23,320
JAMES: Actually,
that looks quite good.
1482
01:14:23,320 --> 01:14:26,680
-There's basically a lawn
on the other side.
-The other side is fantastic.
1483
01:14:26,720 --> 01:14:29,800
-And there's a gap
in the mountain.
-But look how deep it is.
1484
01:14:29,840 --> 01:14:32,320
-Yeah, that's ten feet deep.
-Going to drown the car
getting across.
1485
01:14:36,320 --> 01:14:40,600
JEREMY: Eventually though,
after several more miles
of searching...
1486
01:14:40,640 --> 01:14:43,640
Wait a minute.
That looks extremely good.
1487
01:14:43,680 --> 01:14:45,040
RICHARD: That's the way out.
1488
01:14:45,080 --> 01:14:47,120
JEREMY: And the river's
shallow there. Can you see?
1489
01:14:47,160 --> 01:14:49,160
-Where it's...
-That looks like
a bit of a gift.
1490
01:14:53,760 --> 01:14:56,680
How deep do we think it is?
1491
01:14:56,720 --> 01:15:00,840
RICHARD: It's broad here
so it won't have carved
a deep groove, will it?
1492
01:15:00,880 --> 01:15:03,280
-Is that how it works?
-Let's go with that thought,
shall we?
1493
01:15:03,320 --> 01:15:06,440
-Yeah, let's go with that.
-Or we could drive up
and down here until we die.
1494
01:15:06,520 --> 01:15:09,840
I'm sick of driving up
and down. We can get out,
so let's get in.
1495
01:15:09,880 --> 01:15:11,440
JAMES:
We can definitely go on.
1496
01:15:11,520 --> 01:15:14,080
We've got a snorkel breather
on the engine.
1497
01:15:14,120 --> 01:15:16,240
We cross the drink
and get a drink.
1498
01:15:16,280 --> 01:15:18,280
-(EXHALES) Let's do it.
-Right.
1499
01:15:18,320 --> 01:15:20,840
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
1500
01:15:20,880 --> 01:15:23,120
JEREMY: OK, and we're...
1501
01:15:23,160 --> 01:15:24,760
-Oh, John is wading.
-(OVERLAPPING DIALOGUE)
1502
01:15:24,800 --> 01:15:27,840
Oh-ho! Whoa! That's...
that's glacial run-off,
1503
01:15:27,880 --> 01:15:29,200
and it's unbelievably cold!
1504
01:15:29,240 --> 01:15:31,240
JAMES: Whoa, that's...
Oh, no!
-Oh!
1505
01:15:31,280 --> 01:15:34,000
JEREMY: OK, James, I now
have a freezing starfish.
RICHARD: Oh!
1506
01:15:34,040 --> 01:15:35,840
-It's all the way
up to my arse.
-Argh!
1507
01:15:35,880 --> 01:15:37,800
(BUBBLING)
1508
01:15:43,160 --> 01:15:46,600
JEREMY: It's too deep,
it's deep. Stop, stop, James.
1509
01:15:46,640 --> 01:15:48,960
Back up, James.
Please, I beg of you.
1510
01:15:49,000 --> 01:15:52,280
(REVVING, CLUNKING)
1511
01:15:52,320 --> 01:15:55,040
-I think the wheels
are spinning.
JEREMY: They are spinning.
1512
01:15:55,080 --> 01:15:56,640
Yeah, that's not working.
1513
01:15:56,680 --> 01:15:58,440
I did feel us run over
a boulder or something.
1514
01:15:58,520 --> 01:16:00,560
-Did you feel that?
-Yes.
1515
01:16:00,600 --> 01:16:02,200
I think we're wedged
against that backwards.
1516
01:16:02,240 --> 01:16:03,440
(THUDS)
1517
01:16:03,520 --> 01:16:05,120
(THEY CRY OUT)
1518
01:16:05,160 --> 01:16:06,560
-Did I just feel
the whole car move?
-Yes, you did.
1519
01:16:06,600 --> 01:16:08,880
-That's the current.
JAMES: Forwards.
1520
01:16:08,920 --> 01:16:12,520
We can't go forwards.
If that gets any deep...and
we've got inches in here,
1521
01:16:12,560 --> 01:16:14,680
the engine will be
completely submerged,
1522
01:16:14,720 --> 01:16:17,200
all the electrics
underwater - end of.
1523
01:16:17,240 --> 01:16:19,880
JEREMY: The only solution
was to reverse.
1524
01:16:19,920 --> 01:16:23,320
Which meant we had
to free the rear wheels.
1525
01:16:23,320 --> 01:16:25,760
-Holy shit!
JAMES: What?
1526
01:16:25,800 --> 01:16:28,320
I've just had
a transgender operation.
1527
01:16:28,320 --> 01:16:30,160
Aargh!
1528
01:16:30,200 --> 01:16:32,640
-Ohh!
-Are you all right, Hammond,
in there?
1529
01:16:32,680 --> 01:16:33,920
I'm not getting out.
1530
01:16:33,960 --> 01:16:35,720
I'm from Birmingham.
I'm not good with water.
1531
01:16:35,760 --> 01:16:37,760
-Uhh!
-Ahh!
1532
01:16:37,800 --> 01:16:39,600
The current's really
(BLEEP) strong.
1533
01:16:39,640 --> 01:16:42,680
-It's very deep.
-Guys, I just felt the car
move again in the current.
1534
01:16:42,720 --> 01:16:44,920
-Cut the doors off.
JEREMY: Why?
1535
01:16:44,960 --> 01:16:46,760
-Cut the doors off!
-Why cut the doors off?
1536
01:16:46,800 --> 01:16:50,000
-They're what's moving it.
-They're the only bit
I put on!
1537
01:16:50,040 --> 01:16:52,000
Well, I don't care,
it's gonna kill
the whole car.
1538
01:16:52,040 --> 01:16:53,360
James,
cut the other ones off.
1539
01:16:55,080 --> 01:16:56,840
(SNAPPING)
1540
01:16:56,880 --> 01:16:59,400
(THUDDING)
1541
01:16:59,440 --> 01:17:00,920
JAMES: Doors are off.
1542
01:17:00,960 --> 01:17:03,760
Oh, brilliant! So the only
contribution I made to John
1543
01:17:03,800 --> 01:17:06,960
are now on their way
to Shanghai.
1544
01:17:07,000 --> 01:17:08,760
Now, though,
we could concentrate
1545
01:17:08,800 --> 01:17:12,320
on finding out
what was blocking us.
1546
01:17:12,320 --> 01:17:15,200
JEREMY: We're both
going simultaneously?
-(LAUGHS)
1547
01:17:15,240 --> 01:17:17,160
JEREMY:
Three, two, one...
1548
01:17:20,720 --> 01:17:23,640
JEREMY: Both rear wheels
were jammed by big rocks.
1549
01:17:26,880 --> 01:17:29,040
-Can you move the rocks?
-Oh, yes, Hammond.
1550
01:17:29,080 --> 01:17:31,360
When there's an emergency in
the world people always say,
1551
01:17:31,400 --> 01:17:33,800
"I know who we'll call: James
May and Jeremy Clarkson.
1552
01:17:33,840 --> 01:17:36,200
-They're the men
for the job."
-That's who we're relying on.
1553
01:17:36,240 --> 01:17:38,000
You're gonna
have to be like Titans.
1554
01:17:38,040 --> 01:17:40,640
You say you're a horse
of a man. Be a horse,
move the big rock.
1555
01:17:40,680 --> 01:17:42,880
Are you in neutral?
Cos I'm about to dive down.
1556
01:17:42,920 --> 01:17:45,200
-In neutral,
I'm not going anywhere.
-Right.
1557
01:17:45,240 --> 01:17:48,560
-Come on, let's go, the
quicker we get this done.
-OK, counting down.
1558
01:17:48,600 --> 01:17:51,000
JEREMY: Three, two, one...
1559
01:17:51,040 --> 01:17:52,960
(BOTH INHALE)
1560
01:17:57,360 --> 01:18:00,560
(MUFFLED SPEECH)
1561
01:18:01,640 --> 01:18:02,920
(BLEEP) Current's got me.
1562
01:18:02,960 --> 01:18:04,960
(BLEEP) hell.
1563
01:18:05,000 --> 01:18:07,080
-(BLEEP) The current...
-I moved it a bit.
1564
01:18:07,120 --> 01:18:09,720
The current just got a hold.
I dived down
and the current got me.
1565
01:18:09,760 --> 01:18:13,200
JEREMY: Don't worry, Hammond,
everything's fine back here.
-Good.
1566
01:18:16,920 --> 01:18:19,040
-Oh, I've done it. Oh, yes!
-Have you done it?
1567
01:18:19,080 --> 01:18:21,400
-Yes.
-Right, let's clear this one.
Hang on.
1568
01:18:29,160 --> 01:18:31,240
-I got it. I think I got it.
-Got it?
1569
01:18:31,280 --> 01:18:33,200
(ENGINE REVS)
1570
01:18:35,440 --> 01:18:37,840
JEREMY: It's moving,
we've done it! We have...
JAMES: Oh, yes!
1571
01:18:44,320 --> 01:18:46,240
JEREMY: Thanks for the lift,
Hammond.
-Yeah.
1572
01:18:47,680 --> 01:18:49,040
Right. Two things.
1573
01:18:49,080 --> 01:18:52,760
The river's really cold,
and that bit's too deep.
1574
01:18:52,800 --> 01:18:56,080
-Right. I think we need to
try another route.
-Yeah, we do.
1575
01:18:56,120 --> 01:18:57,640
-Definitely.
-OK, get on board.
1576
01:19:01,200 --> 01:19:04,320
JEREMY: We re-entered
where the river seemed
to be shallower.
1577
01:19:05,640 --> 01:19:07,280
Turn right. Now.
1578
01:19:11,040 --> 01:19:13,080
Yeah, well done, top work.
1579
01:19:13,120 --> 01:19:16,680
JAMES: Bit leany.
JEREMY: Right, keep going,
keep going, keep going.
1580
01:19:19,520 --> 01:19:22,080
Yep. Right, now,
hang a diagonal.
1581
01:19:22,120 --> 01:19:24,520
Aim for those - the gap
in the trees, do you see?
1582
01:19:28,160 --> 01:19:29,680
Really good.
This is good, this is good.
1583
01:19:29,720 --> 01:19:31,200
If it doesn't go
suddenly deep.
1584
01:19:35,600 --> 01:19:37,880
Oh, Christ,
we've gone deep again.
1585
01:19:37,920 --> 01:19:39,600
Right, keep going,
keep going, keep going.
1586
01:19:46,320 --> 01:19:49,200
JEREMY: You can feel it now,
it's getting shallower.
1587
01:19:49,240 --> 01:19:52,440
JAMES: Ah, yes!
RICHARD: Do you know,
I think we might make it.
1588
01:19:52,520 --> 01:19:55,600
JEREMY: Left hand down.
That's it. Left hand down.
1589
01:19:55,640 --> 01:19:57,560
We've nearly done it.
1590
01:20:00,240 --> 01:20:03,560
RICHARD: John can swim.
I'm staggered.
-Wahay, John!
1591
01:20:03,600 --> 01:20:05,240
-I am staggered.
-Ha-ha-ha!
1592
01:20:05,280 --> 01:20:06,960
We're on our way to gin town.
1593
01:20:08,320 --> 01:20:10,440
JEREMY:
Before moving on, though,
1594
01:20:10,520 --> 01:20:12,640
we had to make
some modifications.
1595
01:20:15,520 --> 01:20:18,840
We haven't driven John
as a convertible before
with the top down.
1596
01:20:18,880 --> 01:20:22,000
No. We should explain,
the reason we're
driving with no roof,
1597
01:20:22,040 --> 01:20:26,120
is because James has turned
it into a pair of trousers
cos his are wet.
1598
01:20:26,160 --> 01:20:28,880
Hammond and I have
turned one of the tents
into a pair of trousers,
1599
01:20:28,920 --> 01:20:31,760
so if we don't make
Moron tonight...
1600
01:20:31,800 --> 01:20:35,800
Two of us are sharing.
You two will be all right in
a tent together, won't you?
1601
01:20:35,840 --> 01:20:37,240
JAMES: No.
JEREMY: Wrong.
1602
01:20:39,520 --> 01:20:43,240
Now the river was behind us,
we had to work out
what lay ahead.
1603
01:20:44,360 --> 01:20:47,160
Which was impossible.
1604
01:20:47,200 --> 01:20:50,520
Oh, God. There's just
nothing marked on the map.
1605
01:20:50,560 --> 01:20:53,360
It just is cross the river,
and then...nothing.
1606
01:20:53,400 --> 01:20:55,320
RICHARD: No.
1607
01:20:55,360 --> 01:20:58,400
JEREMY: We were therefore
surprised a few miles later
1608
01:20:58,440 --> 01:21:00,960
to find our route
was peppered by something
1609
01:21:01,000 --> 01:21:02,840
we hadn't encountered before.
1610
01:21:06,000 --> 01:21:08,680
About half a billion
boulders.
1611
01:21:11,600 --> 01:21:14,720
(CLANKING, ENGINE REVVING)
1612
01:21:17,520 --> 01:21:19,400
(CLANKING)
1613
01:21:22,920 --> 01:21:24,600
JEREMY: No, stop, stop, stop.
1614
01:21:24,640 --> 01:21:28,600
He's bouncing, Hammond.
That's the sign
for you and I to jump ship.
1615
01:21:28,640 --> 01:21:30,320
Good luck, mate.
1616
01:21:30,360 --> 01:21:31,800
(CLANKING)
1617
01:21:34,400 --> 01:21:36,320
(ENGINE REVVING, CLANKING)
1618
01:21:41,920 --> 01:21:43,520
JEREMY:
Try reversing.
1619
01:21:43,560 --> 01:21:46,920
I'm just covered in flies,
cos of my orange trousers.
1620
01:21:46,960 --> 01:21:48,440
(BUZZING)
1621
01:21:48,520 --> 01:21:51,320
The orange trouser
was a poor, poor idea.
1622
01:21:53,320 --> 01:21:54,920
JEREMY: Right,
what we're trying to do now,
1623
01:21:54,960 --> 01:21:56,360
is because all the
weight's on the back,
1624
01:21:56,400 --> 01:21:58,520
is actually reverse up.
1625
01:21:58,560 --> 01:22:01,200
Left hand down!
1626
01:22:03,320 --> 01:22:04,920
Right...Agh!
1627
01:22:04,960 --> 01:22:09,000
-OK, keep going.
Straight back.
-Have to shout!
1628
01:22:09,040 --> 01:22:11,880
Straighten up.
Over to you, Hammond.
1629
01:22:11,920 --> 01:22:14,320
Bit of right.
Uh...a lot of right.
1630
01:22:16,560 --> 01:22:19,080
Now left hand, hard left.
1631
01:22:20,600 --> 01:22:22,160
RICHARD:
Once the slope levelled out,
1632
01:22:22,200 --> 01:22:26,400
John could turn and tackle
the terrain face-on.
1633
01:22:26,440 --> 01:22:28,360
JEREMY:
And hard left.
1634
01:22:32,680 --> 01:22:34,280
(CLATTERING)
1635
01:22:34,320 --> 01:22:36,680
(CLANKING)
1636
01:22:43,320 --> 01:22:45,800
JEREMY: Honestly,
have you ever seen
an off-roader like that?
1637
01:22:46,960 --> 01:22:48,400
RICHARD: What a machine!
1638
01:22:48,440 --> 01:22:51,040
(CLANKING)
1639
01:22:55,200 --> 01:22:57,560
JEREMY:
This is his hardest work yet.
1640
01:22:57,600 --> 01:22:59,880
RICHARD: Ultimately,
you're going down there,
down the gully,
1641
01:22:59,920 --> 01:23:03,200
up the other side, and into
the clear meadow beyond
and we're all saved.
1642
01:23:05,080 --> 01:23:07,320
Jeeps! Are you sure
about this, Hammond?
1643
01:23:07,360 --> 01:23:08,880
Yeah!
Now a bit more right.
1644
01:23:10,680 --> 01:23:13,200
There you go.
Keep the right in.
1645
01:23:13,240 --> 01:23:15,080
-Hammond, Hammond.
-Yes?
1646
01:23:15,120 --> 01:23:16,680
-Have you seen...
-Oh, God!
1647
01:23:16,720 --> 01:23:18,800
-(THUD)
-Agh! What was that?
1648
01:23:18,840 --> 01:23:21,600
-Sorry, we were
a bit distracted by this.
-We were looking at the ants.
1649
01:23:21,640 --> 01:23:24,960
JEREMY: There are more
ants there than there are
Mongolians in Mongolia.
1650
01:23:25,000 --> 01:23:27,240
RICHARD: There probably are.
JEREMY: Give it the beans!
1651
01:23:29,720 --> 01:23:31,320
RICHARD: Good, you are out.
1652
01:23:38,160 --> 01:23:41,240
I can't believe what
it's capable of off-road.
I'm staggered.
1653
01:23:41,280 --> 01:23:42,880
I have genuinely never seen
1654
01:23:42,920 --> 01:23:44,960
-a better off-road car
than this.
-No, it's astonishing.
1655
01:23:45,000 --> 01:23:48,880
I think NATO will be
ordering 20,000 of these
when they see this.
1656
01:23:50,640 --> 01:23:52,680
What are you thinking about,
Hammond?
1657
01:23:52,720 --> 01:23:55,600
-Drink.
-I don't think I'm gonna
be allowed through
1658
01:23:55,640 --> 01:23:58,640
-the passport thing
when I get home.
-They won't recognise you.
1659
01:23:58,680 --> 01:24:03,040
I'll be two stone lighter,
and I'll look like
Jon Bon Jovi.
1660
01:24:05,520 --> 01:24:07,520
We were now more
desperate than ever
1661
01:24:07,560 --> 01:24:10,440
for this trip to end.
1662
01:24:10,520 --> 01:24:13,240
If we can just get...
You see those trees
on the crest up there?
1663
01:24:13,280 --> 01:24:16,280
JAMES: Yeah.
-Will we be able
to see Moron from up there?
1664
01:24:16,320 --> 01:24:19,560
We'll see the sign that says:
"Moron, twinned with
Jeremy Clarkson".
1665
01:24:19,600 --> 01:24:20,640
(LAUGHS)
1666
01:24:22,600 --> 01:24:24,680
JEREMY: Soon,
with our hearts soaring,
1667
01:24:24,720 --> 01:24:26,640
we were nearing the peak.
1668
01:24:28,600 --> 01:24:31,000
JEREMY: Summit.
Can we see Moron?
1669
01:24:31,040 --> 01:24:33,320
Can we see Moron?
1670
01:24:33,360 --> 01:24:35,120
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
1671
01:24:35,160 --> 01:24:38,200
RICHARD: Where is it?
1672
01:24:38,240 --> 01:24:41,120
JEREMY: Oh, no.
No, no.
JAMES: Oh, jeez...
1673
01:24:41,160 --> 01:24:43,840
RICHARD: Oh, bloody hell!
JAMES: Please!
1674
01:24:45,720 --> 01:24:47,720
RICHARD: Oh, my God.
1675
01:24:47,760 --> 01:24:49,680
(INSECTS BUZZING)
1676
01:24:52,320 --> 01:24:53,440
(SIGHS)
1677
01:24:55,200 --> 01:24:56,680
Kill me.
1678
01:25:01,360 --> 01:25:02,840
We've only got two tents.
1679
01:25:05,320 --> 01:25:06,760
We've no food.
1680
01:25:15,040 --> 01:25:17,640
We were also low on fuel.
1681
01:25:17,680 --> 01:25:20,560
But we had to plough on
with the punishment.
1682
01:25:20,600 --> 01:25:23,360
-(THUDDING)
-(THEY CRY OUT)
1683
01:25:25,920 --> 01:25:28,720
Until two hours later,
when we came across
1684
01:25:28,760 --> 01:25:33,200
the most wonderful thing
we'd ever seen.
1685
01:25:39,520 --> 01:25:42,520
This was the first reminder
in seven days
1686
01:25:42,560 --> 01:25:44,920
that we were in
the 21st century.
1687
01:25:44,960 --> 01:25:48,600
RICHARD: Oh, my God!
JEREMY: Yes!
I've never been so happy...
1688
01:25:48,640 --> 01:25:53,280
But we still had to make
a critical decision.
1689
01:25:53,320 --> 01:25:55,240
RICHARD:
On one end of this...
JEREMY: Is Moron.
1690
01:25:55,280 --> 01:25:57,080
-Yes.
-The question is:
1691
01:25:57,120 --> 01:26:00,640
Do we go left...
or do we go right?
1692
01:26:03,920 --> 01:26:06,360
-Right.
-Well, why right?
1693
01:26:06,400 --> 01:26:07,600
Because I'm very lucky.
1694
01:26:07,640 --> 01:26:10,200
And it's lucky to go right
in Mongolia.
1695
01:26:10,240 --> 01:26:12,640
-That's going to Moron.
-What if that just goes
all the way to nothing?
1696
01:26:12,680 --> 01:26:14,720
-It won't go to nowhere.
-It'll go a power station.
1697
01:26:14,760 --> 01:26:18,360
It'll go to Russia.
Go to a power station
in Russia is where it'll go.
1698
01:26:18,400 --> 01:26:20,720
One end's got a power station
in Russia on the end of it.
1699
01:26:20,760 --> 01:26:23,000
-The other
has a gin and tonic.
-And the other end... yeah.
1700
01:26:23,040 --> 01:26:24,360
Has got a gin and tonic.
1701
01:26:24,400 --> 01:26:26,120
RICHARD: We've decided.
1702
01:26:26,160 --> 01:26:27,880
Let's just stick with it and
have faith in our decision.
1703
01:26:27,920 --> 01:26:29,520
JEREMY: Yeah, just to be
crystal clear, though,
1704
01:26:29,560 --> 01:26:31,120
-if this is wrong...
-I'll kill myself.
1705
01:26:31,160 --> 01:26:33,280
...I will be the one
that says,
"I told you it was left."
1706
01:26:33,320 --> 01:26:35,360
Yeah, I know you will.
But I'll have killed myself,
1707
01:26:35,400 --> 01:26:37,320
so it doesn't matter,
I won't hear it.
1708
01:26:40,040 --> 01:26:41,600
We needn't
have worried though,
1709
01:26:41,640 --> 01:26:43,800
because just
a few miles later,
1710
01:26:43,840 --> 01:26:48,840
we discovered that
in Mongolia it really is
lucky to turn right.
1711
01:26:51,960 --> 01:26:54,200
What a heavenly sight.
1712
01:27:03,680 --> 01:27:06,000
(EXHALES) How far away
do you reckon it is?
1713
01:27:07,120 --> 01:27:08,600
JAMES: 10K.
1714
01:27:08,640 --> 01:27:10,840
-Come on, then, let's
get this thing finished.
-Let's do it.
1715
01:27:10,880 --> 01:27:12,800
JAMES: Yeah.
1716
01:27:16,120 --> 01:27:18,760
-It hasn't been easy, has it?
-It really hasn't.
1717
01:27:18,800 --> 01:27:20,280
-God, no.
-It really hasn't. I mean...
1718
01:27:20,320 --> 01:27:23,760
I'm just staggered that we
haven't killed ourselves,
1719
01:27:23,800 --> 01:27:26,440
or each other, actually.
1720
01:27:26,520 --> 01:27:29,480
Because while Mongolia
has just been...
1721
01:27:29,520 --> 01:27:31,720
...a constant source
of wonderment,
1722
01:27:31,760 --> 01:27:33,920
the actual business of
getting across it
1723
01:27:33,960 --> 01:27:35,960
has been by far and away
1724
01:27:36,000 --> 01:27:37,960
the most difficult,
gruelling,
1725
01:27:38,000 --> 01:27:41,400
arduous journey...
we've ever done.
1726
01:27:47,480 --> 01:27:49,880
Look!
1727
01:27:49,920 --> 01:27:52,000
JAMES: I would say we've
got hundreds of components.
1728
01:27:52,040 --> 01:27:54,600
They haven't sent any beer,
or gin or wine,
1729
01:27:54,640 --> 01:27:56,120
or alcohol of any sort.
1730
01:27:56,160 --> 01:27:57,800
-(THUDDING)
-Oh!
1731
01:27:57,840 --> 01:28:00,040
RICHARD: God above!
JAMES: Let it end!
1732
01:28:01,880 --> 01:28:03,960
-(ENGINE REVVING)
JAMES: That's what I meant.
1733
01:28:08,720 --> 01:28:10,560
-(SQUELCHING)
-Oh, May!
1734
01:28:10,600 --> 01:28:11,800
I've lost my shoes!
1735
01:28:13,640 --> 01:28:15,760
-I can save this.
JEREMY: He's rolled it.
1736
01:28:23,000 --> 01:28:24,920
Brrr-brrr-brrr.
1737
01:28:24,960 --> 01:28:26,200
RICHARD: Oh.
1738
01:28:29,000 --> 01:28:32,040
Oh-ho, whoa! It's all
the way up to my arse!
1739
01:28:32,080 --> 01:28:33,560
Aargh! (BLEEP)
Current's got me.
1740
01:28:33,600 --> 01:28:35,480
(BLEEP) hell.
1741
01:28:35,520 --> 01:28:38,720
(ENGINE REVVING, CLANKING)
1742
01:28:38,760 --> 01:28:40,920
Aargh!
1743
01:28:43,120 --> 01:28:45,240
JEREMY: Fact is, though,
1744
01:28:45,280 --> 01:28:48,520
we couldn't have done
any of that without John.
1745
01:28:48,560 --> 01:28:50,800
No. He's been incredible.
1746
01:28:50,840 --> 01:28:52,400
There's something else,
you know.
1747
01:28:52,440 --> 01:28:55,280
Even though we built it
in the middle of a field
in the dust,
1748
01:28:55,320 --> 01:28:58,200
it has been
unutterably reliable.
1749
01:28:58,240 --> 01:29:00,240
The only thing
we've had to do to this car
1750
01:29:00,280 --> 01:29:02,400
-is change a fuse,
which took about 30 seconds.
-Yeah.
1751
01:29:02,440 --> 01:29:05,080
But the moral of that is, if
you're going on an expedition
1752
01:29:05,120 --> 01:29:10,080
and you're absolutely
dependent on your car
for your life...get a John.
1753
01:29:10,120 --> 01:29:11,440
Yeah.
1754
01:29:11,480 --> 01:29:12,480
Look.
1755
01:29:14,640 --> 01:29:18,000
It's... I can't...
I'm so excited.
1756
01:29:18,040 --> 01:29:21,120
-And thirsty. Ha-ha!
-Oh, my God.
1757
01:29:21,160 --> 01:29:24,360
I've never wanted to arrive
anywhere more
than just there.
1758
01:29:24,400 --> 01:29:27,160
-Here we go. As we go past
the sign, we're there.
-Oh, this is it!
1759
01:29:27,200 --> 01:29:29,920
We are arriving,
and we are here!
1760
01:29:29,960 --> 01:29:32,000
(CHEERING)
1761
01:29:32,040 --> 01:29:34,800
-(LAUGHTER)
-We're in Moron!
1762
01:29:34,840 --> 01:29:38,280
-Hello, Moron, we love you!
-Hello, Moron!
1763
01:29:38,320 --> 01:29:41,000
-(LAUGHTER)
JEREMY: We have
travelled far.
1764
01:29:41,040 --> 01:29:46,240
RICHARD: That was a journey!
-Yes, the smoothness.
1765
01:29:46,280 --> 01:29:49,440
Oh, this is beautiful.
I like this Tarmac lark.
1766
01:29:51,920 --> 01:29:55,440
-Right. We have now completed
Mr Wilman's mission.
-Yes.
1767
01:29:55,480 --> 01:29:59,040
-We must get on
with completing ours.
-Yes, where's the pub?
1768
01:29:59,080 --> 01:30:00,440
-Exactly!
-Yes.
1769
01:30:00,480 --> 01:30:02,480
Right,
and just another thing.
1770
01:30:02,520 --> 01:30:04,560
As we've done Mr Wilman's
mission, this bit's for us.
1771
01:30:04,600 --> 01:30:07,600
-James,
can I drive this bit?
-No chance.
1772
01:30:07,640 --> 01:30:09,760
-Oh, come on.
-No, seriously, Hammond.
1773
01:30:09,800 --> 01:30:13,200
No, it's not worth the risk
at this late stage of you
putting it on its side.
1774
01:30:13,240 --> 01:30:15,320
-What risk? Well, a bit.
-There might be a bend.
1775
01:30:15,360 --> 01:30:19,160
-It might say "Finish."
-There won't be a bend.
1776
01:30:19,200 --> 01:30:21,280
You've had all the fun,
you've done
the exciting bits:
1777
01:30:21,320 --> 01:30:23,360
the dunes and the mountains,
and the gullies
1778
01:30:23,400 --> 01:30:25,600
-and the deserts,
and the forests.
-Yeah, and now the town.
1779
01:30:25,640 --> 01:30:27,480
JEREMY: James.
-What?
1780
01:30:27,520 --> 01:30:29,240
Seriously,
just to shut him up,
1781
01:30:29,280 --> 01:30:32,120
why don't you
just let him have...a go?
1782
01:30:32,160 --> 01:30:34,800
-What, really?
-Just let him drive.
Pull up here.
1783
01:30:34,840 --> 01:30:36,200
-Seriously?
-Yes, honestly.
1784
01:30:36,240 --> 01:30:38,160
-All right.
-Please pull up here.
1785
01:30:38,200 --> 01:30:40,160
-It's your fault.
-Oh, yes.
1786
01:30:40,200 --> 01:30:42,960
JEREMY: Unbelievable.
1787
01:30:43,000 --> 01:30:46,520
-Right,
now you see some driving.
-There we go.
1788
01:30:46,560 --> 01:30:48,560
-Whoa! Pub, pub, pub!
-What?
1789
01:30:48,600 --> 01:30:50,880
-Whoa!
-I've only done two feet!
1790
01:30:52,120 --> 01:30:54,040
(RATTLING)
1791
01:30:56,000 --> 01:30:57,840
-It's shut.
JEREMY: What?
1792
01:30:57,880 --> 01:30:59,800
It's shut.
1793
01:31:02,280 --> 01:31:04,600
RICHARD: Do you know,
it is, as well.
-It is shut.
1794
01:31:09,920 --> 01:31:11,720
And on that terrible
disappointment,
1795
01:31:11,760 --> 01:31:13,200
it's time to end.
1796
01:31:13,240 --> 01:31:15,440
Thank you so much
for watching. Goodbye.
133996
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