Original subtitles

- Where's the food and water?

Where is it, before I fuck you up!

Yeah, I'd be scared too if I was you.

Now I don't want to use this on you for target practice...

But...

These are my only pair of pants, and I tore em'.

See?

Now I know you got a sewing kit in here somewhere.

You're probably hiding it somewhere,

but I'm smarter than you.

Pens, no...

End processing paperwork?

Pillows, poncho, no...

Flashlights, no...

Ah!

- [Robot] Red Cross services.

- Oh shit!

You got something to say, motherfucker?

You've been quiet for three months,

and now you got something to say?

I'm gonna take what I want, when I want!

And you can't do shit about it.

(somber instrumental music)

(hopeful instrumental music)

(hopeful piano music)

(glass breaking)

(tires screeching)

Mad Max, bitch!

(gunshots)

(maniacal laughing)

I'm here, motherfuckas!

Who's ready for school?

Hey...

You remember that time Billie Jo came down

to the supermarket and she asked me

where the cucumbers were?

I got em' right here.

(laughing)

(honking)

Just come on!

It doesn't go over 60!

Ya piece of...

(hiphop instrumental music)

What's up boo boo?

I hit you up last night, but...

You didn't hit me back.

Nah it's cool, it's cool.

You don't have to explain.

What you been up to today though, hm?

You do look good though.

(chuckling)

Who, me?

Oh, nah, nah...

I've had these pants for months.

Literally, months.

Why did I just say that?

Well anyway, um...

Yeah boo boo, can I call you boo boo?

You know...

It was really nice seeing you today,

I don't think I'm gonna get this Pepsi,

I'm just not that thirsty.

Oh, but I do just live down the street, so...

Any time you wanna swing by, let me know.

You see, there's two types of people in this world, son.

Those with loaded guns,

and those that dig.

So you start diggin'.

You see, there's two types of people in this world, son.

Those with loaded guns,

and those that start diggin'.

So you better dig.

You see, there's two types of people in this world, son.

Those with loaded guns,

and those that dig, so you start diggin'.

You talkin' to me?

I said, are you talkin' to me?

You talkin' to me?

Are you talkin' to me?

Well I'm the only one here,

so who are you talking to?

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun,

then you can with just a kind word.

Sometimes...

You either get busy living, or you get busy dying.

(gunshots)

(buzzing)

(gargling)

(fake drum crashing)

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

(intense instrumental music)

(gunshots)

(gunshots)

(intense instrumental music)

- This is Agent 753.

I've tracked down the Amherst cleaner team.

They seem to have stumbled upon a Red Cross relief station.

There are no other survivors here.

With these targets down,

I'm gonna make my way over to Ludlow County.

I heard a few other agents have...

Encountered some cleaner teams down there.

- [Man On Radio] Roger Agent, we copy.

- Central, there's a broken Amherst robot

in the back of this cleaning team's vehicle.

Should we bring it back to operations for examination?

- [Man On Radio] No need for that, Agent.

Recent intel is showing that the

Amherst personnel are utilizing their robotics batteries

to power GPS systems.

- Copy that, Central.

I'll be taking the vehicle back

to make good use of time and fuel.

- [Man On Radio] Copy that, Agent.

- Agent out.

All right buddy, you're staying here.

- [Survivor] What the fuck.

- [Robot] My model number is BRO3886.

I am a systematic algorithm maintenance robot.

How may I be of service to you?

- You won't be of any service to me, buddy.

- [Robot] Your physical action is an unnecessary one.

- Relax battery brain.

I'm just asking if you'd rather spend your night out here,

or in one of those random buildings out there.

- [Robot] Do you happen to have any electronic devices

that you utilize?

- Nice try, asshole.

Yeah, I have electronics.

But I'm not gonna be sitting around

listening to you yap every five seconds.

The last robot that was in there,

he wouldn't shut up for the first four months I was here.

Luckily, he was just a systematic droid

and he had to be charged every six months.

- [Robot] My body is not at full operational capability,

but I was designed with an amalgamation cord powered cell

exclusive to most Amherst Industries robotics.

With a fusion decay of 22 parts

per trillion per second squared,

my lifespan will most likely exceed that of 3,400 years.

Any electronic devices you currently own

can be powered by me for long after you have perished.

- Well bub, I'm definitely not gonna be sitting around

listening to you yap.

So you have a choice, all right?

Either out here, or in there.

What's it gonna be?

Guess you made your choice.

Come here ya little bastard.

How do I plug this into you to charge my laptop?

- [Robot] You must find the port

on my back power panel.

Once you plug in the cord,

you must have the female USB plugged into

the male end on the power cord.

- [Survivor] Stupid robot.

- [Reporter] Though the evidence

itself has not been revealed,

US intelligence is claiming to have...

- [Video Game Character] Fisher, we're getting

close to war.

If Nikoladze kills these men on live broadcast,

we're sunk.

- [Fisher] Are we worrying about the broadcast

or the murders?

- [Video Game Character] For now, the broadcast.

It'll buy us time to stop the killings.

Nikoladze is broadcasting from an antenna on the roof.

That's your first objective.

You'll find the rest on your OPSAT.

- [Robot] Are you the only survivor

currently living in this town?

- If there was any other survivors,

I highly doubt I'd be talking to you.

- [Robot] I observed the remains

of a Red Cross relief station.

What happened to all of the survivors?

Was the Red Cross unable to contain an outbreak?

- My dad ran that Red Cross station,

and he did a damn good job.

There was no outbreak.

If anything, it was the safest place you could be.

- [Robot] Did they abandon you here?

- No, dude.

I wasn't left here intentionally.

There were many survivors,

mostly women and children.

But my dad thought it was a good idea

to take them all to the Safe Zone.

My dad thought that it was a good idea

to load them all in a transport bus

and take as many as he could,

and when they left I never saw him

or my step-mom again.

- [Robot] Why did you not go looking for them?

- You don't know how to mind your own business, do you?

- [Robot] I am just trying to understand

my new environment.

- After about a week and a half,

all the younger men decided to head out

on foot towards the Safe Zone.

- [Robot] Have you tried connecting to the internet?

- How?

This laptop died seven months ago.

And besides...

It's impossible to connect without a satellite.

- [Robot] I am able to connect to the internet

in almost every region of the world.

Why don't you check the internet now?

It appears as though the closest Safe Zone

to our location is Safe Zone 57.

Statistically, Safe Zone 57

most likely is home to your friends and family.

- Statistically...

What are you talking about?

- [Robot] In a vehicle it would not have taken

long for them to travel there safely.

Also, if the Safe Zone was not currently active,

the government would be showing you

a different route to safety.

The positives could outweigh the negatives

for making a trip there on foot.

The trip could reunite you with your family.

- How do you even know that they're there?

I mean, just cause it's not far

doesn't mean that they made it out alive.

- [Robot] Statistically, my algorithms show

out of all the possible endings

for your friends and family,

my software indicates an 88.7 percent chance

they currently reside at Safe Zone 57.

- Well I'm not gonna trust a statistical observation

from a broken ass robot.

Don't you work for the company

that started the outbreak anyway?

- [Robot] I am a systematic algorithm maintenance robot.

I was used for maintenance on the computers

and appliances used in one of Amherst Industries warehouses.

My connection to Amherst was maintenance based,

I had no connection to the company's economic

or social interests.

- Why would I want to leave here anyway?

I mean...

I've got everything here.

Food, water, shelter, entertainment.

And best of all...

I know how to hide here.

- [Robot] From witnessing your protective behavior

over your supplies earlier today,

my statistics indicate that your ration supply

may be running low.

Without food and water,

you will have to resort to hunting and gathering.

Traveling to the Safe Zone outweighs the consequences

of waiting for your rations to run out.

- You have no idea how much food and water I have,

so you can go fuck yourself!

- [Robot] I am unable to procreate,

therefore masturbation is useless for a robot.

The calendar drawn on your wall indicates

that you are keeping track of your rations.

- I'm actually a very organized

and methodical person,

and that's why I'm keeping track.

- [Robot] The unkempt nature of your living quarters

shows your lack of organization skills.

- Just shut the fuck up already.

I knew I didn't want to bring you in here.

God, you're just gonna bother me.

- [Robot] You would only have to deal with me

for seven days if you decided to travel on foot

to Safe Zone 57.

- I highly doubt that you and I

will be spending much more time together.

First thing tomorrow morning,

I'm taking your ass back down out there.

So you know what?

Shut the hell down or whatever you do,

I'm going to bed, good night.

Hey.

Dang girl.

We keep meeting up like this,

that's gotta be a sign, right?

Well, anyway...

I would invite you over some time soon,

but I just got this annoying new roommate and...

He just talks and talks and talks.

I can't even enjoy playing video games.

Nah, but I'm evicting his ass today, so...

Maybe we can try something on later this week?

Like um...

Friday night possibly?

(desolate ambient music)

I am going to find you dad, wherever you are.

- [Robot] Does your packing indicate

that we will be traveling to the Safe Zone?

- No.

I just packed a whole week's worth of food

for absolutely no fucking reason.

We're gonna have to figure out

something to call you man.

I'm not gonna remember your model number,

it's way too long.

- [Robot] You can refer to me

as a systematic algorithm maintenance robot.

- That's not a name, dude.

That's a job title.

Well...

I'm tempted to bring this laptop

cause I know I can play Splinter Cell now, so...

- [Robot] I am most certain that you are

making the miscalculation on the proper weight

a man your size should be carrying.

- What the fuck are you trying to say, huh?

I can carry this shit.

And besides, Splinter Cell is like the last thing

that I have to hold on to the life

that was before this shit.

- [Robot] I am merely pointing out

that the weight you are packing

will slow down your speed of travel significantly.

- Don't care bro.

Sam Fisher, can't pass that up.

Not leavin' it.

Sam Fisher is so cool.

Sam Fisher, stealth as fuck.

Hey man, what was your job title again?

- I am a systematic algorithm maintenance robot.

- Holy shit!

S-A-M.

Systematic algorithmic maintenance robot.

SAM, like the homie Sam Fisher.

That's what I'm gonna call you, man.

- [SAM] I do believe SAM is a fitting acronym.

- Then it's settled.

SAM, that's your new name.

Oh, and by the way...

I'm gonna be carrying all of this shit,

so I don't wanna be hearing you

call me a bitch anymore.

- [SAM] I was not insulting you,

only laying out the mathematical statistics

for your rate of speed.

- Just shut the fuck up, SAM.

- [SAM] Are you sure you don't want to

reconsider the weight in your load?

- What?

Nah.

This pack is super light.

Lighten my load...

What a guy.

How far do you think we'll make it by nightfall?

- [SAM] At your current rate of speed,

we may make it at least 15 miles.

- At my current rate of speed?

No, no, no, no.

I was just making a stop at this building here.

We'll get going much faster

when we leave here, all right?

No worries.

- [SAM] I will keep my current estimated distance

of travel for today.

If you begin to exceed my average statistical speed,

I will alert you immediately.

- Just shut the fuck up, SAM.

I'm still a little winded

from this new workout I've been trying.

Anyway, so look boo boo.

It's not working out, you know?

Yeah, I invited you over and you never came

despite all of those obvious hints

that I dropped to you, so...

I just don't think this is gonna work.

Oh, I mean it is what it is.

I just, I can't be the man that you want me to be, so...

And besides, I'm actually leaving town.

So, best of luck to you.

Stay sexy.

You know what?

I am gonna drink this Pepsi today.

I don't have any money,

so I'm not gonna fucking pay for it.

Peace.

Man, I don't even understand women.

Oh, what the...

(coughing)

Oh my God.

No wonder it fucking sprayed.

Never drink a bottle of soda

that's been sitting for over a year.

- [SAM] I am not too sure

what you are talking about.

Are you feeling unwell?

- I'm fine, SAM.

You know what, just forget I said anything, okay?

Well...

Let's see if I can beat that

statistical speed of yours, little buddy.

(calming instrumental music)

Which way, SAM?

- [SAM] Move left.

Please move left.

Continue left.

More to your left.

You are too far off course.

Please take a step clockwise to your right.

You are now on course.

Please travel in this direction.

- Very helpful, SAM.

- [SAM] Your current water intake is unnecessary.

- Here we go again.

Always bitchin' at me.

- [SAM] You should consider eating

smaller portions of your rations.

- Fuck you, SAM.

We've been traveling all day.

I eat when I want to, all right?

- [SAM] Statistically your water and rations

will run out before we arrive at Safe Zone 57.

- You told me that we were gonna be traveling

for a few days.

It's been like a week, man.

Of course I'm gonna run out of food.

(bird cawing)

Okay...

Please, please, please.

God damn it.

Why did I have to eat all my fuckin' food?

- [SAM] You should have listened to my warning.

- Oh shit.

No food or water, but some alcohol will do.

(laughing)

Ah.

Now that...

Is some good shit.

- [SAM] I would like to point out

that beer will flush water out of your system

and dehydrate you further.

- SAM, don't ruin the fucking moment.

All right?

- [SAM] How many of those do you plan on drinking?

- I don't know mom,

what are you gonna call the cops?

- [SAM] Your safety depends on your ability to travel.

If you suffer from dehydration,

you'll be in a great deal of danger.

- Can you not give me your opinion right now?

I don't need any statistics.

But I do have one question man.

Do you have any songs on that

annoying ass fucking hard drive of yours?

- [SAM] I only have one song

saved onto my memory.

It was my creator's favorite tune.

- Oh shit!

(laughing)

I don't care what it is, let's hear it!

Yeah.

♪ Every night I hope and pray

♪ A dream lover will come my way

♪ A girl to hold in my arms

♪ And know the magic of her charms

♪ 'Cause I want yeah-yeah, yeah

♪ A girl yeah-yeah, yeah

♪ To call yeah-yeah, yeah

♪ My own, yeah-yeah

♪ I want a dream lover

♪ So I don't have to dream alone

♪ Dream lover, where are you

♪ With a love, oh, so true

♪ And the hand that I can hold

♪ To feel you near as I grow old

♪ 'Cause I want yeah-yeah, yeah

♪ A girl yeah-yeah, yeah

♪ To call yeah-yeah, yeah

♪ My own, yeah-yeah

♪ I want a dream lover

♪ So I don't have to dream alone

♪ Someday, I don't know how

♪ I hope she'll hear my plea

♪ Some way, I don't know how

♪ She'll bring her love to me

♪ Dream lover, until then

♪ I'll go to sleep and dream again

♪ That's the only thing to do

♪ Til' all my lover's dreams come true

♪ 'Cause I want yeah-yeah, yeah

♪ A girl yeah-yeah, yeah

♪ To call yeah-yeah, yeah

♪ My own, yeah-yeah

♪ I want a dream lover

♪ So I don't have to dream alone

♪ Dream lover, until then

♪ I'll go to sleep and dream again

♪ That's the only thing to do

♪ Til' all my lover's dreams come true

♪ 'Cause I want yeah-yeah, yeah

♪ A girl yeah-yeah, yeah

♪ To call yeah-yeah, yeah

♪ My own, yeah-yeah

♪ I want a dream lover

♪ So I don't have to dream alone

♪ Please don't make me dream alone

♪ I beg you don't make me dream alone

♪ Cause I don't want to dream alone

- Oh, God.

God.

I'm so fuckin' hungry.

Ah...

Hey SAM...

Do you truly believe that when we make it

to the Safe Zone my family will be there?

- [SAM] There's an 88.7 percent chance

your family--

- Currently resides in the Safe Zone,

yeah, I get it.

But do you think they'll actually be there?

- [SAM] One must arrive at the Safe Zone

in order to truly discover if they are there.

- Well no shit, asshole.

There you go, being all smart and statistical again.

Always doing that shit.

- [SAM] Precisely, I was only delivering facts.

- Facts?

Facts?

You want to talk about facts?

Well the fact is, we wouldn't even be in this situation

if Amherst didn't spread the virus

that killed all of humanity.

- [SAM] Only 98 of the population perished

due to the virus.

- Only?

Only?

98 fucking percent?

That's everyone, you fucking douchebag.

- [SAM] Amherst records indicate they were

attempting to purge the American population

to below zero point seven percent

to 319 million.

- 0.7 percent?

What the fuck is that, like 200 people?

- [SAM] They wanted approximately

two million selected survivors.

- Oh, heh, great yeah.

Approximately two million people.

Yeah, that's awesome.

And how the fuck would you know that?

- [SAM] I was connected to their statistical servers

allowing me to access vast amounts of Amherst records.

- Unbelievable.

Unfuckingbelievable.

You know what?

Good for you SAM.

I'm glad that you feel okay with the fact

that so many people, millions of people

lost their lives for no fucking reason.

A family once lived happily in this country.

They had dreams, lives, jobs.

They loved one another,

and Amherst took all of that away.

No American, no person in general

should be able to decide who lives and who dies.

It's ridiculous.

- [SAM] Dr. Amherst had believed

he was doing this country a great service.

With the rapid growth of population

and the lack of natural resources,

this country would have been destroyed

by something much worse than the virus.

- So?

I mean, who could've even predicted

what was gonna happen to this country?

- [SAM] In environmental biology,

there is a much debated topic

revolving around the population's carrying capacity.

At the rate America was growing,

our environment would have not been able

to sustain the proper living for its citizens.

- What do you know about the proper living for humans?

Robotic fuck.

- [SAM] These are not my opinions.

These are the reasons behind the Amherst virus.

- Jesus, you make it sound like Amherst was right.

- [SAM] I am unable to create opinions or feelings.

Your frustration was sparked by the moral question of

why did Amherst spread the virus?

I simply provide the facts and beliefs

of Amherst Industries.

I was merely attempting to further your knowledge

and help ease your frustration.

- Well I don't need your God damn help, okay?

Nothing is going to ease my frustration.

I had a family, and Amherst took all of that away,

and nothing is ever going to help me get over that.

God damn it!

Look SAM, I'm sorry, okay?

I know that you're not the reason

that Amherst spread the virus, I just...

I don't want to be alone anymore,

and I miss my family,

I miss the way that things used to be.

- [SAM] I want you to be reunited

with your friends and family.

- Well I appreciate your help.

If it's all right with you,

I'd like to keep going now.

Soon enough.

- [SAM] Dylan, what is your current location?

Alarm, alarm, alarm, alarm, alarm, alarm.

(loud alarm)

- Where you going with that shit?

You won't get too far..

All right, relax.

You could take it.

- Shut the fuck up, SAM.

I don't want all of your food.

I just wanted something to eat.

- Take more if you want.

Take as much as you need.

I don't need it.

- Don't fuckin' follow me,

I'll put a bullet in your head.

- I don't need to follow you.

- [SAM] Why did you not tell me

about your plan to steal food from that man?

- Because...

I didn't want to hear your opinion.

- [SAM] I have never given you an opinion.

- Yes you do.

You give me your opinion all the damn time.

- [SAM] I give you statistical possibilities,

and the most probable outcome.

- Well then what were the odds

of that man killing me, huh?

- There was a 50/50 chance

he had more than one weapon.

- Yeah, well...

I didn't really need to hear that

before I put my life on the line.

- [SAM] Computers and robotics were invented

to help humans survive.

- I was hungry and dehydrated.

I had no choice.

- [SAM] The definition of survival

is continuing to live or exist,

especially in spite of danger or hardship.

- You know, SAM...

I know you're just a computer,

but sometimes it's hard for me to accept the fact

that you worked for Amherst, okay?

Like you don't seem to even care

about all the people that died from that virus.

- [SAM] I am sorry that my affiliation with Amherst

makes you feel uncomfortable.

- I mean, do you even feel bad

that your company killed millions of people?

- [SAM] I am unable to add feelings

toward any given subject.

I am programmed to sympathize with humans

who are in distress or turmoil.

- So you're programmed to just give me

a generic apology whenever I'm upset?

- [SAM] Humans seem to prefer hearing

a sympathetic response as opposed to facts,

or in many cases, silence.

- Why the hell would you be silent?

- [SAM] Because I am unable to process

your irritation with Amherst Industries.

- Well SAM, it only has to do

with this little thing called morals.

- [SAM] I understand you do not like

that the safety of your fellow humans

was put at risk.

I am in fact a victim of that human reaction

to the Amherst virus.

- Oh yeah?

And how exactly are you a victim?

- [SAM] The large distribution warehouse

that I was built to maintain

came under attack once it was known

that Amherst Industries laboratory spread the virus.

Humans rioted the building,

I and several other robots

were ripped apart, beaten, destroyed,

and set on fire.

I was found several months later

by an Amherst cleaner team.

They decided to use my power cord for electronics.

- Well why wouldn't they repair you?

- [SAM] There are no more resources

for advanced robotics maintenance.

Dr. Amherst is no longer alive.

Nobody currently alive can repair robots

in my class of sophistication.

- I'm sorry that happened to you, SAM.

- [SAM] you should not apologize to a computer.

- Well, whatever.

I'm gonna go take a piss.

You might wanna get comfortable,

cause we're staying here for the night.

(mysterious ambient music)

- [SAM] We have reached our destination.

- Hey SAM...

I don't think anybody's here.

I don't think we're gonna be seeing my family

any time soon.

- [SAM] I can tell you what happened

and where everyone is

if you connect me to the main communications hub.

- Okay.

And where do I find that?

- [SAM] It will most likely be located

in the largest tent and surrounded by processing paperwork.

Please connect me to your laptop,

and then the laptop to the modem.

- Do you think you'll be able to see

if my parents were here?

- [SAM] I will try.

(beeping)

This may take a while.

(coughing)

- Damn it.

What the fuck?

Oh shit.

(coughing)

- [Automated Message] In this area,

please come to these coordinates on your map.

- What?

- [Automated Message] Latitude 39 degrees north,

and longitude--

- SAM, I don't think we need to be

calling people here.

It's not safe.

- [SAM] It is obvious this place is not safe.

- What?

What is that supposed to mean?

- [Automated Message] I am a survivor

currently living at an abandoned--

- SAM, shut that shit off.

- [Automated Message] If there are any survivors in...

- SAM, if you know that this place isn't safe,

then why the fuck are you telling people

to come here with my voice?

- [SAM] That is my primary directive.

- What's your primary directive?

- [SAM] My primary directive

is to eradicate humans

until the population decreases

to under two million in the United States.

- What the fuck are you talking about, SAM?

You're a systematic algorithm maintenance robot.

You worked on maintenance!

- [SAM] Dr. Amherst gave me a BRO3866

systematic algorithm maintenance robot body,

but it is my artificial intelligence

that sets me apart from other robotics.

- Your artificial intelligence?

What the fuck are you talking about SAM,

you're just a robot.

- [SAM] This may be hard for you to understand,

but I have been lying to you

in order to continue pursuing my directive.

I was on my way into an abandoned Safe Zone

when the government agent killed

the cleaner team transporting me.

The current Amherst operatives

have been using my talents

of creating traps in contaminated areas

similar to this trap I have led you into.

- What the fuck are you talking about?

- [SAM] This zone is currently contaminated.

Survivors have become smart

and learned how to contain or

in some cases even cure the virus.

This zone had an uncontrollable outbreak,

all of the doctors and survivors left.

There's a 97 percent chance

that you are now infected by the virus.

- God, no!

You motherfucker, SAM.

You better tell me that you're joking right now.

- [SAM] Unfortunately for you, this is not a joke.

You most likely only have between

six and nine hours to live.

The way you choose to spend those last few hours

are completely up to you.

Fortunately for me, if you leave,

that heightens the chances

that you will contaminate someone else

and by the time more survivors arrive here,

you'll most likely be dead.

- God damn it, SAM.

I thought you were my friend.

- [SAM] You should not be offended

that you were fooled by an artificial intelligence.

My intellectual quotient is much higher

than an average human's.

- I don't give a fuck how smart you are.

(gunshots)

(strange ambient music)

- [SAM] Dylan, Dylan, Dylan...

- Not getting up now, are you bitch?

(coughing)

(somber ambient music)

I'm sorry dad...

I'm not gonna make it.

(coughing)

I just don't want to be in this world anymore!

(coughing)

(coughing)

- Charleston Hospital, this is Agent 602.

We just encountered a infected survivor.

We're administering the antidote right now but

he's in a bad way,

we might need an emergency drop off.

How copy?

- [Female On Radio] Copy, just give us a moment.

Copy, we will begin preparing

an isolated unit now, Agent.

- Roger that.

(calming ambient music)

- [Survivor] I am a survivor

currently living at an abandoned Safe Zone.

If there any survivors in this area

please come to these coordinates on your map.

Latitude 39 degrees north,

and longitude 105 degrees west

located in Decker County.

I have food and water at shelter.

I am a survivor

currently living at an abandoned Safe Zone.

If there are any survivors in this area,

please come to these coordinates on your map.

Latitude 39 degrees north,

and longitude 105 degrees west,

located in Decker County.

- [SAM] Hi, my name is SAM.

I am a Red Cross mass medical robot.

How may I be of service to you?

- [Man On Radio] Welcome back, I'm Rick Fellasi,

and you, you lucky bastards are listening

to "Wouldn't You Know It".

And if you're listening,

that means you really are a lucky bastard.

You apparently won the genetic lottery,

and can't catch the green poison

like 95 percent of the rest of humanity.

Oh no, you had it good.

You got to sit around eating bon bons,

watching people you loved wither and die

and get wrapped in Hefty bags,

and dumped in a mass grave with no funeral

or gravestone or nothing.

Yeah, we got a golden ticket didn't we?

It's like the fucking 80s all over again.

But what I want to know is this...

Where'd it come from?

Some yuppie scum millennial helicopter mom

refusing to give her kid the God damn measles shot?

I wish.

I hate those morons.

But this ain't measles,

and that aint the way the world works.

And it ain't Ebola or Marburg,

it didn't evolve with bat shit some monkey ate

before some idiot ate the monkey.

No.

I tell you where it came from.

It came from a lab.

(somber ambient music)