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1
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Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
2
00:00:04,031 --> 00:00:06,342
- May I help you, ma'am?
- I want one of those charge cards
3
00:00:06,367 --> 00:00:07,459
you banks are handing out.
4
00:00:07,460 --> 00:00:09,499
It's not quite as simple as that.
5
00:00:09,500 --> 00:00:10,906
Oh, please. Fred Flintstone has one,
6
00:00:10,931 --> 00:00:12,087
and he lives in a cartoon.
7
00:00:12,112 --> 00:00:13,999
I would need to speak
to your husband about this.
8
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:15,414
He's gonna tell you the same thing...
9
00:00:15,439 --> 00:00:17,039
He's the one who watches
"The Flintstones."
10
00:00:17,064 --> 00:00:19,508
And I'm kind of in a hurry.
I was at the market next door,
11
00:00:19,533 --> 00:00:20,982
I came up six dollars short,
and I had to leave
12
00:00:21,007 --> 00:00:22,378
my frozen food at the checkout counter.
13
00:00:22,418 --> 00:00:23,895
You've got to be kidding me.
14
00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:24,972
We need to open up another register.
15
00:00:24,997 --> 00:00:26,619
I'm sure she'll be right back.
16
00:00:26,620 --> 00:00:27,959
I have perishables!
17
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,691
As you can see, Mrs. Cleary,
18
00:00:29,738 --> 00:00:31,453
you can't get a card on your own
19
00:00:31,454 --> 00:00:32,753
without Mr. Cleary co-signing.
20
00:00:32,754 --> 00:00:34,003
And why not?
21
00:00:34,004 --> 00:00:36,503
The bank is nervous about gals
22
00:00:36,504 --> 00:00:38,253
getting carried away
at the department store.
23
00:00:38,254 --> 00:00:39,793
What if you bought a dozen hats
24
00:00:39,794 --> 00:00:41,373
and then couldn't pay for them?
25
00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:44,003
I would never put something on
my head that wasn't paid for.
26
00:00:44,004 --> 00:00:46,043
Give this application to Mr. Cleary
27
00:00:46,044 --> 00:00:47,793
or any male family member...
28
00:00:47,794 --> 00:00:49,253
a father, brother.
29
00:00:49,254 --> 00:00:50,623
Do you have an adult son?
30
00:00:50,624 --> 00:00:52,373
You would trust one of my idiot sons,
31
00:00:52,374 --> 00:00:53,746
and you won't trust me with six dollars?
32
00:00:53,771 --> 00:00:54,794
We have an account here.
33
00:00:54,795 --> 00:00:56,503
It's in your husband's name.
34
00:00:56,504 --> 00:00:59,043
I'm sorry, but I can't help you
without him present.
35
00:00:59,044 --> 00:01:00,856
What if I told you I had a gun?
36
00:01:01,914 --> 00:01:03,082
The woman says she has a gun.
37
00:01:05,913 --> 00:01:08,023
This was funny back in 1972,
38
00:01:08,048 --> 00:01:10,054
because back then
there were still a few people
39
00:01:10,079 --> 00:01:11,296
who didn't carry guns.
40
00:01:11,344 --> 00:01:12,713
Now, if your husband came in here
41
00:01:12,714 --> 00:01:14,513
and said that he had a gun,
42
00:01:14,514 --> 00:01:16,634
um, that I would take seriously.
43
00:01:18,804 --> 00:01:20,963
My dad had always
done all the shopping...
44
00:01:20,964 --> 00:01:22,963
watching every penny like a hawk.
45
00:01:22,964 --> 00:01:25,883
A hawk who had lived through
the Great hawk Depression.
46
00:01:25,884 --> 00:01:28,213
When my mom got her license,
she took over this chore,
47
00:01:28,214 --> 00:01:30,213
but he couldn't help second-guessing.
48
00:01:30,214 --> 00:01:31,513
You didn't buy Raisin Bran?
49
00:01:31,514 --> 00:01:33,013
How am I gonna get the trains moving?
50
00:01:33,014 --> 00:01:34,923
They had a two-for-one deal
on Shredded Wheat.
51
00:01:34,924 --> 00:01:36,303
Eh, it's not a deal if nobody eats it.
52
00:01:36,304 --> 00:01:38,633
Oh, they'll eat it,
whether they know it or not.
53
00:01:38,634 --> 00:01:40,633
Can I see the receipt?
54
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:42,423
I'd love to daydream
about the lake house I'll buy
55
00:01:42,424 --> 00:01:44,710
with all that Shredded Wheat savings.
56
00:01:48,203 --> 00:01:49,529
- Lawrence.
- Aah!
57
00:01:50,514 --> 00:01:52,005
Wendi, sorry.
58
00:01:52,030 --> 00:01:53,289
I thought you were that possum.
59
00:01:53,314 --> 00:01:55,060
A possum knows your name?
60
00:01:55,085 --> 00:01:56,183
I need a hand with something.
61
00:01:56,184 --> 00:01:58,263
Sure, but, uh, where's Eddie?
62
00:01:58,264 --> 00:01:59,893
He's what I need a hand with.
63
00:01:59,894 --> 00:02:01,893
We went to this sunrise
wedding at the beach.
64
00:02:01,894 --> 00:02:03,853
- Groovy.
- Pretty nice.
65
00:02:03,854 --> 00:02:05,223
Uh, the romantic mood was dampened
66
00:02:05,224 --> 00:02:07,263
- by a rotting whale carcass.
- Yeah.
67
00:02:07,264 --> 00:02:09,393
Anyway, certain substances
were passed around
68
00:02:09,394 --> 00:02:11,013
and hit Eddie pretty hard.
69
00:02:11,014 --> 00:02:13,222
He wound up skinny dipping
with most of the groomsmen
70
00:02:13,247 --> 00:02:15,143
- and the grandfather of the bride.
- But he's okay?
71
00:02:15,144 --> 00:02:17,053
He's asleep in the back
of the station wagon.
72
00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:20,223
I never found his clothes
but covered him in beach towels
73
00:02:20,224 --> 00:02:21,813
and a discarded bridesmaid dress.
74
00:02:21,814 --> 00:02:23,053
Sounds like a good time.
75
00:02:23,054 --> 00:02:25,473
I hoped I could get him into bed
without your parents knowing,
76
00:02:25,474 --> 00:02:26,784
but he's heavy...
77
00:02:26,809 --> 00:02:28,784
- we might even need Frank's help.
- Not advisable.
78
00:02:30,014 --> 00:02:31,643
- Hey, Frank.
- Oh, hey.
79
00:02:31,644 --> 00:02:34,053
I'm cool either way,
but did I just hear,
80
00:02:34,054 --> 00:02:35,973
like, a-a girl's voice in here
81
00:02:35,974 --> 00:02:38,973
behind a closed door?
82
00:02:38,974 --> 00:02:41,183
I can promise you
there's no girl in here.
83
00:02:41,184 --> 00:02:43,513
I wouldn't mind or tell anyone,
84
00:02:43,514 --> 00:02:45,513
just maybe congratulate you
85
00:02:45,514 --> 00:02:47,103
on your romantic proficiency.
86
00:02:47,104 --> 00:02:48,434
Thanks, man.
87
00:02:49,354 --> 00:02:50,264
Carry on.
88
00:02:56,014 --> 00:02:58,313
Thirty cents a pound for ground beef.
89
00:02:58,314 --> 00:03:00,513
- Attagirl.
- I asked for the stuff in the back
90
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,313
that was past its expiration date.
91
00:03:02,314 --> 00:03:05,103
Oh, here's something else
for you to look at.
92
00:03:05,104 --> 00:03:06,813
- I stopped over at the bank.
- The bank?
93
00:03:06,814 --> 00:03:08,553
I'm also thinking about getting a gun.
94
00:03:08,554 --> 00:03:10,263
That's crazy. A charge card?
95
00:03:10,264 --> 00:03:11,973
So I don't have to talk with you
every time I do the shopping.
96
00:03:11,974 --> 00:03:13,433
I don't mind you coming to me.
97
00:03:13,434 --> 00:03:14,643
Gives us a new area for conversation.
98
00:03:14,644 --> 00:03:16,103
It gets a little stale
99
00:03:16,104 --> 00:03:17,433
always talking about
how dumb the kids are.
100
00:03:17,434 --> 00:03:19,603
That's a well that never runs dry.
101
00:03:19,604 --> 00:03:21,393
This one choked on his fist today.
102
00:03:21,394 --> 00:03:23,103
It was hysterical.
103
00:03:23,104 --> 00:03:25,353
I'm just saying, a charge card
would make things easier.
104
00:03:25,354 --> 00:03:27,223
Lucifer's apple.
105
00:03:27,224 --> 00:03:29,473
Tricking women into spending
beyond their means...
106
00:03:29,474 --> 00:03:31,603
going crazy, buying a bunch of hats.
107
00:03:31,604 --> 00:03:34,053
Ha!
108
00:03:34,054 --> 00:03:35,723
Wait a minute. That's not right.
109
00:03:41,184 --> 00:03:43,103
I knew it!
110
00:03:43,104 --> 00:03:45,183
I don't know what you were
referring to, but I concur.
111
00:03:45,184 --> 00:03:46,973
That cashier at the market's a thief.
112
00:03:46,974 --> 00:03:48,603
And not much of a babysitter, either.
113
00:03:48,604 --> 00:03:50,683
She charged me for one
of my "free" Shredded Wheats.
114
00:03:50,684 --> 00:03:52,393
Did she at least give you green stamps?
115
00:03:52,394 --> 00:03:54,143
She did not.
116
00:03:54,144 --> 00:03:56,183
- Where's the station wagon?
- Out front.
117
00:03:56,184 --> 00:03:57,393
Maybe they pulled this crap on Mike
118
00:03:57,394 --> 00:03:58,764
but not on me, buster!
119
00:03:59,894 --> 00:04:02,683
Unbelievable. Enough is enough!
120
00:04:02,684 --> 00:04:04,263
Hi, Mrs. Cleary.
121
00:04:05,644 --> 00:04:07,013
Oh, no.
122
00:04:07,014 --> 00:04:08,893
What'd you jackals do to your mom?
123
00:04:08,894 --> 00:04:10,788
- We have no idea!
- Nothing worse than usual.
124
00:04:11,974 --> 00:04:13,853
She drove away.
125
00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:15,513
In the station wagon? No!
126
00:04:15,514 --> 00:04:16,814
Did you leave something in the car?
127
00:04:18,014 --> 00:04:19,973
Just a... sun hat.
128
00:04:19,974 --> 00:04:22,056
You women with your hats.
129
00:04:25,147 --> 00:04:27,554
So, who set her off this time?
130
00:04:27,579 --> 00:04:29,183
It was me! She knows!
131
00:04:29,184 --> 00:04:30,853
Mom knows everything!
132
00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:32,603
Any idea where she might be going?
133
00:04:32,604 --> 00:04:34,723
I'm just really worried about that hat.
134
00:04:34,724 --> 00:04:36,513
She does this kind of thing sometimes.
135
00:04:36,514 --> 00:04:39,183
A possum just leapt out of my freezer!
136
00:04:39,184 --> 00:04:40,813
Sorry, we really thought he was dead.
137
00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:43,183
Yeah, he must've been playing po...
138
00:04:43,184 --> 00:04:44,853
That's where that expression comes from!
139
00:04:44,854 --> 00:04:47,553
I have had it with your shenanigans!
140
00:04:47,554 --> 00:04:50,353
Enough... is enough!
141
00:04:50,354 --> 00:04:52,080
- Mom!
- We just didn't want him to smell
142
00:04:52,104 --> 00:04:53,407
before the service!
143
00:04:53,432 --> 00:04:55,183
As bad as it felt when Mom yelled at us,
144
00:04:55,184 --> 00:04:56,763
it was exponentially worse
145
00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:58,643
when she simply withdrew to her room
146
00:04:58,644 --> 00:05:01,973
with the clear implication that
we'd lost her love forever.
147
00:05:01,974 --> 00:05:04,223
Mom, we'll never do it again, I swear!
148
00:05:04,224 --> 00:05:05,683
I didn't even know about it,
149
00:05:05,684 --> 00:05:07,103
but I'm sorry, too!
150
00:05:07,104 --> 00:05:08,893
Usually when she's upset like this,
151
00:05:08,894 --> 00:05:10,763
she locks herself
in her room for an hour.
152
00:05:10,764 --> 00:05:12,369
Yeah, but now she's in
a room with wheels,
153
00:05:12,394 --> 00:05:13,763
and it can go anywhere!
154
00:05:13,764 --> 00:05:16,263
What were we thinking when
we let her get a license?
155
00:05:16,264 --> 00:05:18,683
You savages better hope
that she comes back,
156
00:05:18,684 --> 00:05:20,013
because without that woman,
157
00:05:20,014 --> 00:05:22,944
you're all in the streets
eating garbage.
158
00:05:24,814 --> 00:05:26,014
So the food will be better.
159
00:05:27,264 --> 00:05:29,103
It was nice knowing you all.
160
00:05:29,104 --> 00:05:31,522
I'm gonna go live in
the wilderness like Mowgli.
161
00:05:33,604 --> 00:05:36,053
I keep thinking I may be
responsible for this.
162
00:05:36,054 --> 00:05:38,053
It's that darn smart mouth of mine.
163
00:05:38,054 --> 00:05:41,643
Mom said, "Good morning,"
and I said, "Is it?"
164
00:05:41,644 --> 00:05:43,683
I can be rather salty
before I've had my cocoa.
165
00:05:43,684 --> 00:05:45,103
Pretty sure you're in the clear.
166
00:05:45,104 --> 00:05:47,723
What's the point of sweating
about who did what?
167
00:05:47,724 --> 00:05:49,813
Eventually, Mom will come home
and squash one of us.
168
00:05:49,814 --> 00:05:51,643
Make the most of the time you have...
169
00:05:51,644 --> 00:05:53,263
enjoy the things you cherish.
170
00:05:53,264 --> 00:05:55,013
I'm gonna nap,
then call the bowling alley
171
00:05:55,014 --> 00:05:57,514
and ask if they have ten-pound balls.
172
00:06:01,604 --> 00:06:03,643
Hey, was Mom in here before?
173
00:06:03,644 --> 00:06:05,473
I don't know.
174
00:06:05,474 --> 00:06:07,433
'Cause my bag was here
175
00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:09,053
and now it's here.
176
00:06:09,054 --> 00:06:10,933
I run my whole business out of that bag.
177
00:06:10,934 --> 00:06:13,053
Joey's business was procuring girls
178
00:06:13,054 --> 00:06:15,433
for hormonally over-eager teenage boys.
179
00:06:15,434 --> 00:06:19,513
Not actual girls, but
their lovely, undraped images.
180
00:06:21,104 --> 00:06:23,393
Then he realized
he could maximize profits
181
00:06:23,394 --> 00:06:27,103
by breaking the images down
into their individual parts.
182
00:06:31,934 --> 00:06:33,853
I've got a kid who just wants feet.
183
00:06:33,854 --> 00:06:36,353
Hey, we use every part of the buffalo,
184
00:06:36,354 --> 00:06:40,973
which is actually where
Tiffani goes to Law School.
185
00:06:40,974 --> 00:06:42,053
I think you're in the clear, man.
186
00:06:42,054 --> 00:06:43,723
Nothing you do is gonna shock Mom
187
00:06:43,724 --> 00:06:45,723
- after the stuff you've pulled.
- That's true.
188
00:06:45,724 --> 00:06:47,933
She's totally given up
on my immortal soul.
189
00:06:47,934 --> 00:06:49,683
Unfortunately, she still
has hope for me.
190
00:06:49,684 --> 00:06:52,223
I think I know what set her off.
191
00:06:52,224 --> 00:06:54,643
Remember that stain I got
on her nice tablecloth?
192
00:06:54,644 --> 00:06:57,013
I will now perform the "Immovable Feast"
193
00:06:57,014 --> 00:06:59,603
using Mom's linen tablecloth
from her grandmother.
194
00:06:59,604 --> 00:07:02,393
Behold, as the tablecloth moves
195
00:07:02,394 --> 00:07:03,684
but the dinner...
196
00:07:07,394 --> 00:07:09,321
...stands still!
197
00:07:10,314 --> 00:07:12,553
Like many misdeeds from the 1970s,
198
00:07:12,554 --> 00:07:14,353
my cover-up was worse than the crime.
199
00:07:16,054 --> 00:07:17,734
I'll just get in the box,
and you can bury me.
200
00:07:17,759 --> 00:07:19,053
I've seen worse.
201
00:07:19,054 --> 00:07:21,508
Spaghetti sauce is a piece
of cake compared to blood.
202
00:07:21,533 --> 00:07:22,973
Or cake.
203
00:07:22,974 --> 00:07:24,572
Relax, I've got a guy.
204
00:07:24,626 --> 00:07:26,263
Mom won.
205
00:07:26,264 --> 00:07:27,893
She not only got the Shredded
Wheat they owed her,
206
00:07:27,894 --> 00:07:29,353
but the store took the money for it
207
00:07:29,354 --> 00:07:31,053
out of the cashier's paycheck.
208
00:07:36,354 --> 00:07:38,167
What in the blazes?
209
00:07:38,192 --> 00:07:39,223
Pat?
210
00:07:41,224 --> 00:07:43,263
It's like they're trying
to put me in the nuthouse.
211
00:07:43,264 --> 00:07:45,053
Fearing my mom never stopped
my brothers and me
212
00:07:45,054 --> 00:07:47,313
from trying to get away
with stuff, but not Pat.
213
00:07:47,314 --> 00:07:49,473
He believed our mother was omniscient.
214
00:07:49,474 --> 00:07:51,103
And that's just how she liked it.
215
00:07:51,104 --> 00:07:52,973
That suitcase must be
getting awfully heavy.
216
00:07:52,974 --> 00:07:55,473
Just some clothes, and a toothbrush...
217
00:07:55,474 --> 00:07:57,103
And your pet bricks?
218
00:07:58,764 --> 00:08:02,643
- You really do know everything.
- And don't you forget it.
219
00:08:07,025 --> 00:08:08,184
- William!
- Yeah.
220
00:08:08,212 --> 00:08:09,223
Give me a hand here.
221
00:08:09,224 --> 00:08:10,813
With your mom gone AWOL,
222
00:08:10,814 --> 00:08:12,553
can you help me get Andy
ready for his day?
223
00:08:12,554 --> 00:08:15,293
His day? Does he have
an important business meeting?
224
00:08:16,517 --> 00:08:19,386
I'm sorry, Dad. That's my
smart mouth rearing up again.
225
00:08:19,411 --> 00:08:22,394
I don't think a kid should lay
around all day in his pajamas.
226
00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:25,128
Lack of structure is the surest
road to mental illness.
227
00:08:25,129 --> 00:08:27,128
You take care of this whole deal.
228
00:08:27,129 --> 00:08:28,628
It might help smooth things over
with your mom.
229
00:08:28,629 --> 00:08:30,008
Wait, you think she's mad at me?
230
00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:31,338
Could be any one of you kids.
231
00:08:31,339 --> 00:08:32,628
The only thing we know for sure is,
232
00:08:32,629 --> 00:08:34,588
it ain't me.
233
00:08:34,589 --> 00:08:39,048
It was then Dad realized
that he might be the culprit.
234
00:08:39,049 --> 00:08:42,226
- I'm an idiot.
- No argument here.
235
00:08:42,259 --> 00:08:44,435
Wow, I'm so sorry, Dad.
236
00:08:44,460 --> 00:08:46,418
I've got to get some more cocoa in me.
237
00:08:46,419 --> 00:08:49,128
Maybe we should drive around,
see if we can find your mom
238
00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:50,758
before she finds Eddie in the backseat,
239
00:08:50,759 --> 00:08:52,216
spare them both the embarrassment.
240
00:08:52,241 --> 00:08:53,878
Or be right there to see it play out.
241
00:08:53,879 --> 00:08:55,418
Let me grab a sweatshirt...
242
00:08:55,419 --> 00:08:56,759
and a camera.
243
00:09:01,259 --> 00:09:02,548
Holy crap.
244
00:09:02,549 --> 00:09:04,298
That is blasphemy, mister.
245
00:09:04,299 --> 00:09:05,655
Unless you're talking about a diaper
246
00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:07,179
left in the manger by Baby Jesus.
247
00:09:07,204 --> 00:09:09,323
Is this maybe the reason
Mom was so upset?
248
00:09:09,324 --> 00:09:11,283
Was she out here with my journal
before she ran off?
249
00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:13,583
Frank knew Mom was angry
at the store cashier
250
00:09:13,584 --> 00:09:15,083
but decided to exploit the situation
251
00:09:15,084 --> 00:09:16,993
for his own twisted agenda.
252
00:09:16,994 --> 00:09:18,623
Yes. Right before.
253
00:09:18,624 --> 00:09:20,323
Yeah, she totally read it.
254
00:09:20,324 --> 00:09:22,953
Who else around here would do
something so insensitive?
255
00:09:22,954 --> 00:09:26,163
He talks about Mom, like, on every page.
256
00:09:26,164 --> 00:09:28,163
What's a "raging narcissist"?
257
00:09:28,164 --> 00:09:30,083
It's "raging," so it's not good.
258
00:09:30,084 --> 00:09:32,913
Oh, this is too juicy.
I can read this thing all...
259
00:09:32,914 --> 00:09:34,913
Hey, those two squirrels are doin' it.
260
00:09:37,034 --> 00:09:39,283
But what in your journal
could've upset Mom?
261
00:09:39,284 --> 00:09:41,953
It's not like there's anything
negative to be said about her.
262
00:09:41,954 --> 00:09:44,373
Did you compliment her too much?
263
00:09:44,374 --> 00:09:46,953
Sometimes when I do that,
it gets on her nerves.
264
00:09:46,954 --> 00:09:49,083
I don't know how I'm gonna face
her when she gets back, man.
265
00:09:49,084 --> 00:09:52,163
When Mom and I talk about you...
and we often do...
266
00:09:52,164 --> 00:09:54,163
an especially sore subject
267
00:09:54,164 --> 00:09:57,083
is that San Francisco-style rat's nest.
268
00:09:57,084 --> 00:09:59,033
- My hair bothers her that much?
- Mm.
269
00:09:59,034 --> 00:10:00,953
- She hasn't said anything to me.
- Well, you know Mom.
270
00:10:00,954 --> 00:10:02,623
She doesn't like to criticize.
271
00:10:02,624 --> 00:10:04,123
But it would be a nice gesture
272
00:10:04,124 --> 00:10:06,033
if you went out and
got a respectable crew-cut.
273
00:10:06,034 --> 00:10:08,743
It's just...
274
00:10:08,744 --> 00:10:10,123
chicks dig it, man.
275
00:10:10,124 --> 00:10:11,993
I know one very important "chick"
276
00:10:11,994 --> 00:10:14,323
who looks at it and "dies inside"...
277
00:10:14,324 --> 00:10:16,413
her words.
278
00:10:16,414 --> 00:10:18,913
- Can we go?
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
279
00:10:18,914 --> 00:10:20,904
There's actually something
I need to go do.
280
00:10:23,255 --> 00:10:24,641
One dirty hippie down,
281
00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:25,950
five million to go.
282
00:10:28,988 --> 00:10:31,301
I had to run away after the thing I did.
283
00:10:31,326 --> 00:10:34,663
- But you already know all about it.
- Of course I do.
284
00:10:35,233 --> 00:10:36,892
But I like hearing you say
285
00:10:36,917 --> 00:10:38,323
exactly what you're sorry about.
286
00:10:38,324 --> 00:10:42,095
Two days ago, I put an ice cube
up my nose, and it got stuck.
287
00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:43,545
I didn't tell anyone,
288
00:10:43,570 --> 00:10:46,493
so now I have an ice cube
in my nose forever.
289
00:10:46,494 --> 00:10:48,953
Not forever.
290
00:10:48,954 --> 00:10:52,203
But it is gonna be a painful
and expensive surgery.
291
00:10:52,204 --> 00:10:53,953
What's this hullabaloo?
292
00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:56,123
Excuse me. Can I get through?
293
00:10:56,124 --> 00:10:57,913
Nope. Road's closed.
294
00:10:57,914 --> 00:10:59,663
I need to get this child home
for his treatment.
295
00:10:59,664 --> 00:11:01,743
Look at him. He's obviously not right.
296
00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:04,163
I need a painful and expensive surgery.
297
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,663
Oh, looks like a tough little guy,
298
00:11:05,664 --> 00:11:07,743
uh, despite his obstacles,
299
00:11:07,744 --> 00:11:09,993
but we won't be finished here
'til like six.
300
00:11:09,994 --> 00:11:12,123
You want to go down to
the second corner, make a right,
301
00:11:12,124 --> 00:11:13,583
take the underpass, then a right,
302
00:11:13,584 --> 00:11:14,993
then another right,
and then, uh, veer left...
303
00:11:14,994 --> 00:11:17,760
- you'll be good.
- Right, right, underpass...
304
00:11:17,785 --> 00:11:19,663
My mom doesn't need you
telling her where to go.
305
00:11:19,664 --> 00:11:22,112
- She knows everything.
- Absolutely.
306
00:11:22,137 --> 00:11:23,413
I've got it.
307
00:11:23,414 --> 00:11:24,783
We'll be okay.
308
00:11:24,784 --> 00:11:26,769
Yes, you will, little soldier.
309
00:11:26,794 --> 00:11:27,963
Yes, you will.
310
00:11:27,964 --> 00:11:30,253
Here you go.
311
00:11:30,254 --> 00:11:32,043
My sister's kid
wears protective headgear.
312
00:11:32,044 --> 00:11:34,383
- It's a big help.
- Hooray!
313
00:11:42,004 --> 00:11:43,423
Oh, Wendi.
314
00:11:43,424 --> 00:11:45,293
I need your woman ears on something.
315
00:11:45,294 --> 00:11:47,843
Earlier, Mrs. Cleary gave me
this charge card application,
316
00:11:47,844 --> 00:11:50,713
and I said no for a host
of excellent reasons.
317
00:11:50,714 --> 00:11:53,043
- Like what?
- I-Innumerable,
318
00:11:53,044 --> 00:11:54,793
each one better than the last.
319
00:11:54,794 --> 00:11:56,253
You think it's possible
320
00:11:56,254 --> 00:11:57,793
that this is what threw her
into a tizzy?
321
00:11:57,794 --> 00:11:59,673
I'd be very offended
322
00:11:59,674 --> 00:12:01,713
if I felt my husband
didn't trust me with money.
323
00:12:01,714 --> 00:12:03,043
I give Peggy an allowance every week.
324
00:12:03,044 --> 00:12:04,543
- Like a child.
- No!
325
00:12:04,544 --> 00:12:06,213
I don't give my children an allowance.
326
00:12:06,214 --> 00:12:07,713
Their allowance is me allowance-ing them
327
00:12:07,714 --> 00:12:09,793
- to live in my house.
- And Mrs. Cleary's house.
328
00:12:09,794 --> 00:12:12,633
Fine, Helen Reddy, it's her house, too.
329
00:12:12,634 --> 00:12:15,673
Maybe I need to go and find her.
330
00:12:15,674 --> 00:12:17,463
- Can I come?
- If you want.
331
00:12:17,464 --> 00:12:18,963
It's weird she hasn't come home.
332
00:12:18,964 --> 00:12:20,673
She might've run out of gas
and, you know,
333
00:12:20,674 --> 00:12:23,043
- doesn't have a charge card.
- You're right.
334
00:12:23,044 --> 00:12:24,843
She's a space cadet when it
comes to watching the gauge.
335
00:12:26,584 --> 00:12:28,383
What is that stuff?
336
00:12:28,384 --> 00:12:30,253
Dry-cleaning chemicals.
337
00:12:30,254 --> 00:12:32,293
- Your friend's a dry cleaner?
- Well, Sid's a pool guy,
338
00:12:32,294 --> 00:12:34,003
and he does some embalming on the side,
339
00:12:34,004 --> 00:12:36,083
but he swears it's all the same stuff.
340
00:12:36,084 --> 00:12:37,583
Is it safe?
341
00:12:37,584 --> 00:12:40,253
Uh, they put it in pools
and dead people, so, yeah.
342
00:12:41,464 --> 00:12:43,673
Although...
343
00:12:43,674 --> 00:12:46,253
...it smells "pwitty"...
344
00:12:46,254 --> 00:12:49,043
You said "pwitty,"
345
00:12:49,044 --> 00:12:50,884
not "pwitty."
346
00:12:52,044 --> 00:12:53,754
For some reason I can't say...
347
00:12:58,084 --> 00:12:59,463
Joey.
348
00:12:59,464 --> 00:13:00,713
Joey, how long were we...
349
00:13:00,714 --> 00:13:02,883
An hour.
350
00:13:02,884 --> 00:13:05,003
In retrospect, we probably
should've cracked a window.
351
00:13:05,004 --> 00:13:06,794
An hour?! What's this stuff done to...
352
00:13:08,134 --> 00:13:09,503
It worked!
353
00:13:09,504 --> 00:13:11,633
- It's all clean!
- Yeah, it's pretty!
354
00:13:11,634 --> 00:13:13,213
Hey, I can say "pretty" again!
355
00:13:13,214 --> 00:13:15,633
Let's dry it out in the sun
before Mom gets home.
356
00:13:15,634 --> 00:13:18,043
Cool! Check it out.
357
00:13:18,044 --> 00:13:19,963
No more fingerprints.
358
00:13:19,964 --> 00:13:21,843
♪ You put your right foot in ♪
359
00:13:21,844 --> 00:13:23,633
♪ You put your left foot in ♪
360
00:13:23,634 --> 00:13:25,583
- ♪ You do the Hokey Pokey ♪
- It's a right, then a left...
361
00:13:25,584 --> 00:13:27,633
- ♪ And you turn yourself around ♪
- ...then another left...
362
00:13:27,634 --> 00:13:29,673
- ♪ Then put your left foot in ♪
- ...then another right...
363
00:13:29,674 --> 00:13:31,423
- Right!
- That's not it.
364
00:13:31,424 --> 00:13:34,133
- Pat, you need to stop singing that song.
- Why?
365
00:13:34,134 --> 00:13:36,843
Do you know what a "Hokey Pokey" is?
366
00:13:36,844 --> 00:13:39,253
It's a stew cannibals make.
367
00:13:39,254 --> 00:13:40,843
"Put your left foot in.
Put your right foot in."
368
00:13:40,844 --> 00:13:43,173
It's not a song. It's a recipe.
369
00:13:43,174 --> 00:13:45,083
That's what it's all about?
370
00:13:45,084 --> 00:13:48,583
Before GPS, getting lost was
a thing that actually happened.
371
00:13:48,584 --> 00:13:50,624
Are we lost, Mommy?
372
00:13:50,649 --> 00:13:52,849
How could we be lost
when I know everything?
373
00:13:53,884 --> 00:13:56,083
I do have to pull over and
make a call to the doctor
374
00:13:56,084 --> 00:13:57,793
to schedule your nose surgery.
375
00:13:57,794 --> 00:13:59,995
I can't even feel it up there anymore.
376
00:14:00,020 --> 00:14:01,860
That's not a good sign.
377
00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:06,093
I get why we looked for her
at the church,
378
00:14:06,118 --> 00:14:07,367
but the gun store?
379
00:14:07,392 --> 00:14:09,343
Ah, it's just something
she said in passing.
380
00:14:09,344 --> 00:14:12,084
On "Columbo," it's usually
the most important clue.
381
00:14:13,844 --> 00:14:15,673
Where could she have gone?
382
00:14:15,674 --> 00:14:18,503
It's dry! I-I think it looks
even better than before.
383
00:14:18,504 --> 00:14:19,892
We should fold it up before those
384
00:14:19,917 --> 00:14:22,383
squirrels decide it's the grotto
at the Playboy Mansion.
385
00:14:28,084 --> 00:14:29,583
Are we sure it wasn't already like that?
386
00:14:31,714 --> 00:14:33,936
Cleary residence.
387
00:14:33,961 --> 00:14:35,561
Will you accept a collect call
388
00:14:35,586 --> 00:14:37,061
from Mrs. Michael Cleary?
389
00:14:37,086 --> 00:14:38,305
We'd all been trained from birth
390
00:14:38,330 --> 00:14:40,133
not to ever accept
collect calls, no matter what.
391
00:14:40,134 --> 00:14:42,083
Which is why we never got to say goodbye
392
00:14:42,084 --> 00:14:44,883
- to our Great-Aunt Esther.
- Come on, come on...
393
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,503
We do not accept collect calls
no matter what.
394
00:14:48,674 --> 00:14:50,633
I can't pay for the call, operator.
395
00:14:50,634 --> 00:14:52,673
I had to use all my change
at the supermarket yesterday
396
00:14:52,674 --> 00:14:54,173
because I didn't have a gun.
397
00:14:59,634 --> 00:15:01,713
Hi, Eddie!
398
00:15:01,714 --> 00:15:04,218
Shh! Don't tell Mom you saw me.
399
00:15:04,243 --> 00:15:05,463
I'm gonna thumb a ride home.
400
00:15:05,464 --> 00:15:08,423
Which, in this outfit's either gonna
be really hard or really easy.
401
00:15:08,424 --> 00:15:11,085
You can't fool Mom.
She already knows you're here.
402
00:15:11,110 --> 00:15:12,543
Yes, I know you think that
403
00:15:12,544 --> 00:15:14,673
because you think Mom knows everything.
404
00:15:14,674 --> 00:15:17,543
I think that because she's right there.
405
00:15:22,647 --> 00:15:25,066
I don't see her.
406
00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:27,277
Then I don't know where else to look.
407
00:15:27,302 --> 00:15:29,293
Why did you think she might come here?
408
00:15:29,324 --> 00:15:31,613
Well, this place is kind of
a running joke for us.
409
00:15:31,638 --> 00:15:34,687
Any time we argue,
Peggy threatens to run off
410
00:15:34,688 --> 00:15:36,267
to the bar at the Ambassador Hotel.
411
00:15:36,268 --> 00:15:38,477
Isn't this where Robert Kennedy...
412
00:15:38,478 --> 00:15:40,637
Yeah, and another infamous event...
413
00:15:40,638 --> 00:15:42,937
Peg and I honeymooned here
414
00:15:42,938 --> 00:15:44,637
back when a room went for top dollar,
415
00:15:44,638 --> 00:15:46,938
before the Sirhan Sirhan
discount kicked in.
416
00:15:49,978 --> 00:15:52,597
I'll have a Chablis.
417
00:15:52,598 --> 00:15:54,937
I meant to say a "lemonade."
418
00:15:54,938 --> 00:15:56,123
I'll have a water.
419
00:15:57,653 --> 00:15:59,192
So, I thought she'd like that I splurged
420
00:15:59,217 --> 00:16:01,807
for a $40 room for our honeymoon.
421
00:16:01,808 --> 00:16:04,267
But Peggy got mad at me
for wasting our money.
422
00:16:04,268 --> 00:16:08,322
Somewhere mid-ceremony,
it became our money.
423
00:16:10,587 --> 00:16:12,876
I had cash in the bank
and savings bonds.
424
00:16:12,877 --> 00:16:15,036
The only thing of value
she brought to the table
425
00:16:15,037 --> 00:16:16,746
was her grandmother's linen tablecloth.
426
00:16:16,747 --> 00:16:18,126
And the fact that you loved her.
427
00:16:18,127 --> 00:16:19,956
Yeah, that's how they get you.
428
00:16:19,957 --> 00:16:22,826
That was our first big fight.
429
00:16:22,827 --> 00:16:24,456
After I cooled off, I came down here,
430
00:16:24,457 --> 00:16:25,657
I found her, we made up.
431
00:16:25,682 --> 00:16:28,826
Thank God she came to her senses
and apologized to me.
432
00:16:28,827 --> 00:16:30,166
She apologized to you?
433
00:16:30,167 --> 00:16:33,962
I thought the whole money issue
was settled.
434
00:16:33,987 --> 00:16:36,826
That's why this charge card
thing is such a puzzler.
435
00:16:36,827 --> 00:16:40,496
It's not that hard of a puzzle
to put together, Mr. Cleary.
436
00:16:40,497 --> 00:16:42,496
Kind of like Baby Andy's cow puzzle.
437
00:16:42,497 --> 00:16:44,786
Just a cow and a cow-shaped hole.
438
00:16:44,787 --> 00:16:47,326
That puzzle was Eddie's.
439
00:16:47,327 --> 00:16:49,086
Tripped him up for years.
440
00:16:49,087 --> 00:16:51,326
Sir.
441
00:16:51,327 --> 00:16:52,956
See that?
442
00:16:52,957 --> 00:16:55,376
He looked at the two of us
together and decided
443
00:16:55,377 --> 00:16:57,746
you're the one who's going to pay.
444
00:16:57,747 --> 00:16:59,456
Oh, that's 'cause he doesn't know me.
445
00:16:59,457 --> 00:17:02,166
This is what Mrs. Cleary
is dealing with.
446
00:17:02,167 --> 00:17:04,996
Everyone assumes she needs
a man to pay her way,
447
00:17:04,997 --> 00:17:06,826
even for a 60-cent lemonade.
448
00:17:06,827 --> 00:17:08,457
60 cents?
449
00:17:10,247 --> 00:17:13,166
You feel it's your money because
your name is on the paycheck,
450
00:17:13,167 --> 00:17:15,666
while, in so many ways,
she supports your life
451
00:17:15,667 --> 00:17:17,166
so you're free to earn that check.
452
00:17:17,167 --> 00:17:19,166
But the world doesn't value
what she does.
453
00:17:19,167 --> 00:17:20,826
It's a double standard.
454
00:17:20,827 --> 00:17:23,536
So, what Peggy does,
puttering around the house,
455
00:17:23,537 --> 00:17:25,246
is somehow comparable to my job?
456
00:17:25,247 --> 00:17:28,326
I literally helped put
Neil Armstrong on the moon.
457
00:17:28,327 --> 00:17:30,126
She literally helped Eddie
458
00:17:30,127 --> 00:17:31,826
finally put that cow in the hole.
459
00:17:31,827 --> 00:17:32,996
He'd have figured it out eventually.
460
00:17:32,997 --> 00:17:34,456
He got the pig right away.
461
00:17:34,457 --> 00:17:35,826
Excuse me, Miss.
462
00:17:35,827 --> 00:17:37,126
You need to take
your business elsewhere.
463
00:17:37,127 --> 00:17:39,326
- My business?
- What's going on, pal?
464
00:17:39,327 --> 00:17:41,626
We do not allow solicitation
on these premises.
465
00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:43,416
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
466
00:17:43,417 --> 00:17:45,166
This is my son's girlfriend.
467
00:17:45,167 --> 00:17:47,126
Oh, I haven't heard that one before.
468
00:17:47,127 --> 00:17:48,586
Usually it's the "niece."
469
00:17:48,587 --> 00:17:50,036
I'm not soliciting anything.
470
00:17:50,037 --> 00:17:52,246
In fact, I even paid
for my own lemonade.
471
00:17:52,247 --> 00:17:53,536
You're free to stay
and enjoy your drink, sir,
472
00:17:53,537 --> 00:17:54,996
but she has to go.
473
00:17:54,997 --> 00:17:57,376
Now, that is a heck
of a double standard.
474
00:17:57,377 --> 00:17:59,626
If I am paying for
the company of this woman,
475
00:17:59,627 --> 00:18:02,126
I am just as much a lawbreaker
as my prostitute here!
476
00:18:02,127 --> 00:18:04,876
- I'm no one's...
- Fine, then you can go, too.
477
00:18:04,877 --> 00:18:06,246
Oh, I'd like to see you try and make me.
478
00:18:06,247 --> 00:18:08,206
Let's just leave, Mr. Cleary.
479
00:18:08,207 --> 00:18:09,706
Do I have to call the authorities?
480
00:18:09,707 --> 00:18:11,246
You know what? Call 'em.
481
00:18:11,247 --> 00:18:14,827
I'll report you for the crime
of a 60-cent lemonade.
482
00:18:16,377 --> 00:18:17,786
I'll have you know,
483
00:18:17,787 --> 00:18:19,723
this is a very nice dress.
484
00:18:19,748 --> 00:18:21,538
I bought it at The Limited.
485
00:18:28,167 --> 00:18:29,746
It was a crazy scene...
486
00:18:29,747 --> 00:18:31,876
everyone tearing their clothes
off and jumping in the water.
487
00:18:31,877 --> 00:18:33,666
And I never would've done it
488
00:18:33,667 --> 00:18:36,246
if I hadn't smoked so much p... p...
489
00:18:36,247 --> 00:18:37,706
peer pressure.
490
00:18:37,707 --> 00:18:39,956
Okay, I'm in the mood to be merciful.
491
00:18:39,957 --> 00:18:42,036
I need to get Pat home,
and I may not know
492
00:18:42,037 --> 00:18:43,548
exactly where our home is at the moment.
493
00:18:43,573 --> 00:18:45,786
Oh, so you're lost.
494
00:18:45,787 --> 00:18:47,746
That's not something
you're gonna let anybody know,
495
00:18:47,747 --> 00:18:49,626
especially that little boy.
496
00:18:49,627 --> 00:18:50,826
He thinks I'm a god.
497
00:18:50,827 --> 00:18:52,536
It'd be cruel to spoil that for him.
498
00:18:52,561 --> 00:18:54,416
It's like telling a child
there's no Tooth Fairy.
499
00:18:54,441 --> 00:18:56,026
We never had the Tooth Fairy.
500
00:18:56,051 --> 00:18:57,376
If I let you kids make money off teeth,
501
00:18:57,377 --> 00:18:59,152
I'd have to hide the pliers.
502
00:19:02,207 --> 00:19:03,916
What do you think?
503
00:19:03,917 --> 00:19:06,246
- Is that the right shade of green?
- Yeah.
504
00:19:06,247 --> 00:19:08,086
I think it looks "pwitty"...
505
00:19:08,087 --> 00:19:09,747
Uh-oh.
506
00:19:12,497 --> 00:19:14,746
Eddie. Mrs. Cleary.
507
00:19:14,747 --> 00:19:16,496
You're home, and you found Eddie,
508
00:19:16,497 --> 00:19:18,416
so it's all okay?
509
00:19:18,417 --> 00:19:20,286
And my mom knows everything.
510
00:19:20,287 --> 00:19:21,666
Of course she knows everything!
511
00:19:21,667 --> 00:19:22,916
She's Mom!
512
00:19:22,917 --> 00:19:25,235
I'm gonna go pack a hospital bag.
513
00:19:26,037 --> 00:19:27,916
You need to put some clothes on.
514
00:19:27,917 --> 00:19:30,492
You got stuff hanging out
nobody wants to see.
515
00:19:31,287 --> 00:19:32,876
Same with you, dear,
516
00:19:32,877 --> 00:19:34,666
but you're some other mother's problem.
517
00:19:34,667 --> 00:19:38,036
Okay, maybe it is
a little revealing, but...
518
00:19:38,037 --> 00:19:39,376
that's the fashion!
519
00:19:39,377 --> 00:19:41,326
More Shredded Wheat.
520
00:19:41,327 --> 00:19:43,650
Nice! I knew you'd set
that store straight.
521
00:19:43,675 --> 00:19:45,228
I hope you got that cashier fired.
522
00:19:45,253 --> 00:19:47,736
- Nope, but I made her cry.
- Excellent.
523
00:19:47,761 --> 00:19:49,916
Mom, uh,
524
00:19:49,917 --> 00:19:51,626
I know you were hurt by
what you read this morning...
525
00:19:51,627 --> 00:19:54,286
For the love of Pete,
what'd you do to your hair?!
526
00:19:54,287 --> 00:19:56,626
I thought you didn't like it.
527
00:19:56,627 --> 00:19:59,286
Well, what gave you
that cockamamie notion?
528
00:19:59,287 --> 00:20:02,064
That crazy mop was the only
thing setting you apart.
529
00:20:02,089 --> 00:20:04,142
Now you're gonna have to work
on your personality.
530
00:20:09,827 --> 00:20:12,956
I'm gonna cut something off of you!
531
00:20:18,627 --> 00:20:20,456
What are you looking at?
532
00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:22,899
Just noticing how good the lawn looks.
533
00:20:23,287 --> 00:20:24,916
So, listen,
534
00:20:24,917 --> 00:20:27,932
I put it together after you drove off
535
00:20:27,957 --> 00:20:29,928
that you were mad at me for what I did.
536
00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:32,098
Yes. What you did.
537
00:20:32,131 --> 00:20:33,590
I thought about it, and I'm sorry.
538
00:20:33,591 --> 00:20:35,090
You should be.
539
00:20:35,091 --> 00:20:38,550
I had to drive around
for hours to cool down.
540
00:20:38,551 --> 00:20:40,590
But just so we can move on,
541
00:20:40,591 --> 00:20:42,880
why don't you say
why you did what you did
542
00:20:42,881 --> 00:20:44,175
and also what you did?
543
00:20:46,131 --> 00:20:47,447
So, it wasn't me that you were mad at.
544
00:20:47,472 --> 00:20:49,210
Took a shot. Always works on the kids.
545
00:20:49,211 --> 00:20:51,460
Yeah, but I'm not the kids.
546
00:20:51,461 --> 00:20:54,050
You're my wife, and we're in
this whole shebang together,
547
00:20:54,051 --> 00:20:55,460
so here.
548
00:20:56,961 --> 00:20:58,630
I stopped by the bank and got that.
549
00:20:58,631 --> 00:21:00,420
It's a temporary.
550
00:21:00,421 --> 00:21:02,418
The real one will come in a week or so.
551
00:21:04,171 --> 00:21:06,170
This means a lot, Mike.
552
00:21:06,171 --> 00:21:08,960
Mostly because I know how hard
it must've been for you.
553
00:21:08,961 --> 00:21:12,548
Well, it's not just my money. It's...
554
00:21:13,961 --> 00:21:16,800
- ...our money.
- Aww.
555
00:21:16,801 --> 00:21:19,760
This reminds me of our first fight.
556
00:21:19,761 --> 00:21:21,550
We should go to the Ambassador Hotel
557
00:21:21,551 --> 00:21:22,800
and have a drink.
558
00:21:22,801 --> 00:21:25,523
Yeah, I can't go there anymore.
559
00:21:25,835 --> 00:21:30,930
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
42325
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