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1
00:01:26,660 --> 00:01:30,653
I am fed out to here
with stupid people.
2
00:01:31,460 --> 00:01:34,975
A customer comes into the diner and
he asked for the Norwegian salmon.
3
00:01:35,180 --> 00:01:36,738
Then he wants to know
if it's fresh.
4
00:01:36,940 --> 00:01:39,374
I said, "Hey, chucklehead,
this is Chicago.
5
00:01:39,580 --> 00:01:42,333
This is not Norwegia, okay?
6
00:01:43,140 --> 00:01:46,655
Nothing is fresh."
Well, I shouldn't say nothing.
7
00:01:53,820 --> 00:01:58,098
- Speaking of nothing, where's Bud?
- Well, it's fall.
8
00:01:58,300 --> 00:02:00,291
So you know another school year
is beginning.
9
00:02:00,580 --> 00:02:03,538
Which means your brother is upstairs
trying on another persona...
10
00:02:03,740 --> 00:02:05,492
...in hopes of attracting a girl.
11
00:02:06,180 --> 00:02:08,057
He has as much chance
of finding a date...
12
00:02:08,260 --> 00:02:11,457
...as the cast of Roc does
getting served at Denny's.
13
00:02:13,500 --> 00:02:15,775
I can't wait to see what kind
of Prince Charming...
14
00:02:15,980 --> 00:02:18,813
...the little frog is gonna try
to mutate into this year.
15
00:02:35,660 --> 00:02:39,016
Let me guess: Billy Ray Bundy.
16
00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:42,210
Damn straight, missy.
17
00:02:42,780 --> 00:02:45,055
Country is in.
18
00:02:45,780 --> 00:02:48,135
Well, then what country are you?
19
00:02:48,900 --> 00:02:51,972
I'm going to ignore that,
human peepshow.
20
00:02:52,820 --> 00:02:54,776
Because this will work.
21
00:02:54,980 --> 00:02:57,540
Now, I've chewed my weight
in Red Man.
22
00:02:57,740 --> 00:02:59,332
I've learned my country sayings...
23
00:02:59,540 --> 00:03:03,294
...like "ornery"
and "I thought you was 18."
24
00:03:04,180 --> 00:03:08,139
So as I live and barely breathe
in these jeans...
25
00:03:08,340 --> 00:03:11,173
...I'll be riding
the country charts tonight.
26
00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:20,577
Well, I admit,
it's better than last year.
27
00:03:20,780 --> 00:03:22,850
Remember, he bought that wig,
gained 30 pounds...
28
00:03:23,060 --> 00:03:25,779
...and called himself
Joey Bud-afuoco?
29
00:03:36,420 --> 00:03:37,853
Peg, I must be hallucinating.
30
00:03:38,060 --> 00:03:41,973
I could have swore
that Yosemite Sam just passed me.
31
00:03:42,820 --> 00:03:46,608
- That was Bud.
- Then it must be fall.
32
00:03:46,820 --> 00:03:49,209
Well, as you know,
I've had a wee peck of trouble...
33
00:03:49,420 --> 00:03:51,456
...finding a alternator for my Dodge.
34
00:03:51,660 --> 00:03:55,539
Yes, and a deodorant
that your body won't reject.
35
00:03:56,140 --> 00:03:59,769
And a wife that my body won't reject.
36
00:03:59,980 --> 00:04:03,052
Anyway, after painstaking research
to find this part...
37
00:04:03,260 --> 00:04:05,899
...a bum told me to call
Irv's World of Junk...
38
00:04:06,100 --> 00:04:07,738
...in Woonsocket, Rhode Island.
39
00:04:07,940 --> 00:04:11,091
So you know what this means?
Means I'm gonna get my part.
40
00:04:11,300 --> 00:04:15,578
All I gotta do is call 800-head-on.
41
00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:23,619
- Welcome to Irv's World of Junk.
- Hey, Irv, it's Al Bundy here. I'd--
42
00:04:23,820 --> 00:04:26,812
If you'd like these instructionsin Spanish...
43
00:04:27,020 --> 00:04:30,137
...press 1. For French, press 2.
44
00:04:30,340 --> 00:04:32,410
Don't you love these things?
45
00:04:32,660 --> 00:04:35,618
For Cajun, press 4.
46
00:04:36,100 --> 00:04:38,978
And for English, press 5.
47
00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:44,659
You have pressed 5.You speak English.
48
00:04:46,100 --> 00:04:49,456
If your car is Swedish, press 1.
49
00:04:50,620 --> 00:04:53,817
If your car is Japanese, press 2.
50
00:04:54,060 --> 00:04:57,609
If your car is Japanese,but made in America...
51
00:04:59,100 --> 00:05:03,855
...in a patronizing attempt to pretendwe have a viable automobile industry...
52
00:05:04,100 --> 00:05:05,977
...press 3.
53
00:05:13,820 --> 00:05:16,971
What are the odds of running into
a Native-American-pride parade...
54
00:05:17,180 --> 00:05:19,853
...marching half a block
from our house?
55
00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:22,297
Bud, you're going about this
all wrong.
56
00:05:22,540 --> 00:05:25,259
Now, you keep trying to change
the clothes that you wear...
57
00:05:25,500 --> 00:05:27,570
...but what you really need
is a new head...
58
00:05:27,780 --> 00:05:30,977
...and while you're at it,
a new body to put it on.
59
00:05:31,180 --> 00:05:34,695
No. Thanks for caring,
but this is it for me.
60
00:05:34,900 --> 00:05:38,529
I will neither seek nor accept a date
from any woman for the rest of my life.
61
00:05:38,740 --> 00:05:41,777
Instead, I shall live out the rest
of my days in the basement...
62
00:05:41,980 --> 00:05:44,369
...as the gnome
you've always said that I was.
63
00:05:45,340 --> 00:05:47,012
Goodbye forever.
64
00:05:52,900 --> 00:05:55,016
Gee, I feel kind of bad.
65
00:05:55,220 --> 00:05:57,370
Well, honey,
you were pretty hard on him.
66
00:05:57,580 --> 00:05:58,899
No, I'm fine with that...
67
00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:02,297
...but I think I should have told him
there's no third step.
68
00:06:05,820 --> 00:06:07,412
Oh, well, one less plate for lunch.
69
00:06:10,580 --> 00:06:14,539
- Al, Bud is really upset.
- Bud's upset? Listen to this.
70
00:06:14,740 --> 00:06:18,653
If your car is a Pacer, press 61.
71
00:06:20,220 --> 00:06:23,098
If your car is a Studebaker, press 62.
72
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:26,417
Honey, he said that he is never
dating again...
73
00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:28,656
...and wants to live in the basement
forever.
74
00:06:29,340 --> 00:06:32,138
Sounds like a good plan.
Wished I'd thought of it.
75
00:06:32,380 --> 00:06:36,089
If your car is a Hudson Hornet,press 67.
76
00:06:37,460 --> 00:06:41,499
Well, I guess it's time
to hang this outfit with the others.
77
00:07:03,700 --> 00:07:05,770
Buderace.
78
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:09,820
Thanks a lot for puberty!
79
00:07:10,820 --> 00:07:13,129
I'm staying down here forever!
80
00:07:13,340 --> 00:07:15,854
You hear that, family?
81
00:07:16,060 --> 00:07:18,528
No, don't all come down
at once now.
82
00:07:26,180 --> 00:07:29,570
If you build it, he will come.
83
00:07:32,340 --> 00:07:34,137
That you, Kel?
84
00:07:34,340 --> 00:07:37,252
Mom? Dad?
85
00:07:37,460 --> 00:07:39,291
Buck?
86
00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:41,252
Oh, God.
87
00:07:41,460 --> 00:07:44,611
Is this how that rainbow-wig guy
got started?
88
00:07:48,740 --> 00:07:52,130
If you build it, he will come.
89
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:57,699
If your car has zeroto 10,000 miles...
90
00:08:02,020 --> 00:08:03,248
...press 1.
91
00:08:03,460 --> 00:08:06,452
Ten to 20,000 miles, press 2.
92
00:08:09,780 --> 00:08:13,534
- Bud?
- Yeah, Ma?
93
00:08:13,740 --> 00:08:16,891
- What are you doing?
- Building.
94
00:08:17,100 --> 00:08:20,217
- What are you building?
- I don't know.
95
00:08:23,900 --> 00:08:27,210
- So why are you doing it?
- So he'll come.
96
00:08:33,420 --> 00:08:36,969
- So who'll come, dear?
- Him.
97
00:08:40,540 --> 00:08:44,169
I think we should call Janet Reno.
She'll know what to do.
98
00:08:46,340 --> 00:08:48,296
It's gonna be so wonderful, Mom.
99
00:08:48,500 --> 00:08:52,334
Once he gets here, everything's
gonna be much, much better.
100
00:08:56,220 --> 00:08:59,769
Well, honey, if you need anything,
you just let me know, okay?
101
00:09:02,940 --> 00:09:06,250
Move, Kel. Back up the stairs.
Back up the stairs.
102
00:09:08,620 --> 00:09:12,977
If your Dodge has between 100,000and 200,000 miles...
103
00:09:13,180 --> 00:09:15,011
...press 11.
104
00:09:15,220 --> 00:09:17,529
Two hundred to 300,000...
105
00:09:17,740 --> 00:09:19,617
...press 12.
106
00:09:23,220 --> 00:09:24,494
This is all my fault.
107
00:09:24,740 --> 00:09:28,779
I knew when he was a baby, I should
have gotten him a proper sitter.
108
00:09:29,300 --> 00:09:32,895
But, you know, Buck was right there
and the price was right.
109
00:09:35,100 --> 00:09:38,137
Yeah, well, I'm at fault too.
When you said push him to the park...
110
00:09:38,340 --> 00:09:40,570
...I probably should have put him
in the stroller.
111
00:09:41,940 --> 00:09:45,455
And, you know, I shouldn't have given
him PEZ and said they were vitamins.
112
00:09:46,300 --> 00:09:48,097
Well, I bet girls would have
dated him...
113
00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:51,417
...if I hadn't told everybody in school
that he only had one buttock.
114
00:09:52,780 --> 00:09:55,533
Well, look, don't worry, honey.
One thing is perfectly clear.
115
00:09:55,740 --> 00:09:57,810
Bud's problems
are all your father's fault.
116
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:01,931
Al, you gotta do something
about the boy.
117
00:10:02,140 --> 00:10:03,937
Wait a second, Peg,
I've gone this far.
118
00:10:04,140 --> 00:10:07,416
In just a few more minutes
I'm gonna have my alternator now.
119
00:10:09,060 --> 00:10:11,255
If your Dodge is still on the road,press 1.
120
00:10:12,660 --> 00:10:16,289
If your Dodge is on blocks, press 2.
121
00:10:16,980 --> 00:10:19,540
If your Dodge is on fire...
122
00:10:20,500 --> 00:10:22,013
...press 3.
123
00:10:28,740 --> 00:10:32,972
Bud, it's 1:00.
Do you wanna come to bed?
124
00:10:33,180 --> 00:10:36,331
Thanks, Mom.
I'm on a tight schedule here.
125
00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:38,938
I see.
126
00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:42,014
Well, honey, your father and I
just want you to know...
127
00:10:42,220 --> 00:10:46,338
...that we love you and we'll always
be there to protect you from harm.
128
00:10:46,540 --> 00:10:48,098
Thanks, Mom.
129
00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:11,172
Well...
130
00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:12,608
...I finally finished.
131
00:11:22,620 --> 00:11:24,212
It's done.
132
00:11:25,420 --> 00:11:27,251
What is it?
133
00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:35,179
It's me.
134
00:11:36,340 --> 00:11:39,173
No, it's not you.
135
00:11:39,780 --> 00:11:41,498
Let's chat, shall we?
136
00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:51,413
Well, what do you mean you're not me?
I mean, you look just like me.
137
00:11:51,620 --> 00:11:56,057
Hey, don't insult me, all right?
I'm not you.
138
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:58,939
Well, actually, I'm part of you.
139
00:11:59,140 --> 00:12:01,734
I'm the part of you that's cool.
140
00:12:01,940 --> 00:12:04,056
Well, you're the rest.
141
00:12:04,780 --> 00:12:09,900
- Well, why are you here?
- Because I can't stand it anymore.
142
00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:13,536
I mean, every year you trot me off
to the ladies, full of hopes...
143
00:12:13,740 --> 00:12:16,538
...and every year we come back
with your tail between my legs.
144
00:12:17,780 --> 00:12:20,294
I'll be damned if I'm gonna spend
the rest of my life...
145
00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:22,172
...down here in this basement.
146
00:12:23,060 --> 00:12:25,096
So I'm here to teach you to be cool.
147
00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:28,216
Mommy!
148
00:12:28,940 --> 00:12:31,613
Oh, this is gonna be easy.
149
00:12:32,380 --> 00:12:36,692
If you are having trouble with ourautomated-telephone system...
150
00:12:42,340 --> 00:12:45,616
...and would like a live operatorto assist you...
151
00:12:45,820 --> 00:12:47,697
...press 0 now.
152
00:12:47,900 --> 00:12:51,495
If not,this recording will begin again.
153
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:59,210
Welcome to Irv's World of Junk.
154
00:13:02,180 --> 00:13:05,695
Peggy, it's 2:00 in the morning.
155
00:13:11,700 --> 00:13:15,488
I know, but this is an emergency.
I really don't know what to do.
156
00:13:15,740 --> 00:13:19,335
- I think Bud has lost his mind.
- Well, Peggy, don't worry.
157
00:13:19,540 --> 00:13:22,338
I'm sure all Bud needs
is a man to talk to.
158
00:13:23,940 --> 00:13:26,613
Where can we find one?
159
00:13:26,820 --> 00:13:30,017
Where can we find one?
Al, have you seen a man?
160
00:13:30,220 --> 00:13:33,257
No, but I've seen a woman
who can make one sterile.
161
00:13:37,180 --> 00:13:39,648
Look, Peggy,
maybe you're overreacting.
162
00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:43,011
You know, he's right. Maybe Bud's
just going through a normal phase.
163
00:13:43,260 --> 00:13:44,932
Don't talk to me that way,
Bud Bundy.
164
00:13:45,180 --> 00:13:47,375
Who you calling Bud Bundy?
165
00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:52,009
Maybe you should just seal him up now
and cut your losses.
166
00:13:52,220 --> 00:13:53,938
Jefferson,
go down and talk to the boy.
167
00:13:54,140 --> 00:13:56,779
Why me? Why can't Al do it?
168
00:13:56,980 --> 00:14:00,734
If your car is a Pacer, press 61.
169
00:14:02,460 --> 00:14:05,452
If your car is a Studebaker, press 62.
170
00:14:09,020 --> 00:14:10,772
Well, how about Kelly?
171
00:14:10,980 --> 00:14:12,857
She's working the late shift
at the diner.
172
00:14:13,060 --> 00:14:15,415
- It's up to you, Jefferson.
- But, Marcie, he's nuts.
173
00:14:15,620 --> 00:14:17,258
And he could be dangerous.
174
00:14:17,460 --> 00:14:21,294
You go down there. You're the one with
the million-dollar life insurance policy.
175
00:14:23,660 --> 00:14:26,049
What million-dollar
life insurance policy?
176
00:14:28,420 --> 00:14:31,332
We'll talk later.
I gotta go help out the boy.
177
00:14:38,820 --> 00:14:40,492
Hi there, Bud.
178
00:14:41,820 --> 00:14:43,173
Hey, your mo--
179
00:14:43,380 --> 00:14:47,612
Your mother says there's a little
something that's bothering you.
180
00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:50,539
How about talking to old Jefferson
about it?
181
00:14:51,660 --> 00:14:53,696
He thinks I'm not cool.
182
00:14:59,620 --> 00:15:02,339
Well, we can't have that.
183
00:15:02,540 --> 00:15:05,179
Now, see here, Mr. Horsy.
184
00:15:06,340 --> 00:15:07,693
Bud Bundy is a friend of mine.
185
00:15:07,900 --> 00:15:11,131
You be nice to him
or there'll be no oats for you.
186
00:15:11,660 --> 00:15:15,369
"Please give me oats, Mr. D'Arcy.
187
00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:21,220
I won't be mean to Bud anymore."
188
00:15:24,020 --> 00:15:25,692
There, Bud.
189
00:15:25,900 --> 00:15:27,777
I've taken care of it.
190
00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:30,695
You know what I used to do
when I was your age...
191
00:15:30,900 --> 00:15:33,050
...and I was feeling down
and out like this?
192
00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:35,936
I'd get me a woman.
193
00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:40,217
And we'd do it like animals
in the car.
194
00:15:41,340 --> 00:15:43,456
It always made me feel better.
195
00:15:44,780 --> 00:15:46,736
You should try it, Bud.
196
00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:51,973
Here. It's on me.
197
00:15:59,060 --> 00:16:02,530
Just make sure it stays on you.
198
00:16:11,140 --> 00:16:12,858
- What a moron.
- What a moron.
199
00:16:13,900 --> 00:16:16,812
Okay, back to cool school.
200
00:16:17,020 --> 00:16:20,615
What you need to change
isn't your looks, it's your approach.
201
00:16:21,620 --> 00:16:23,212
Now, you listen, me.
202
00:16:23,420 --> 00:16:25,809
Now, sure I've made a few mistakes
with the babes...
203
00:16:26,020 --> 00:16:27,897
...but I've also had my share
of successes.
204
00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:32,776
Well, then, let's just look at some
of these successes, shall we?
205
00:16:32,980 --> 00:16:35,050
Roll the tape.
206
00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:45,217
Need some help?
207
00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:49,852
One good turn deserves another.
208
00:16:51,900 --> 00:16:54,414
I saw this movie wherethis mannequin came to life...
209
00:16:54,620 --> 00:16:57,692
...so if you can talk, please do.
210
00:16:59,060 --> 00:17:00,937
Bud.
211
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:04,979
Oh, my God.
212
00:17:05,180 --> 00:17:07,216
You know my name.
213
00:17:08,100 --> 00:17:10,330
Do you also know what I like?
214
00:17:11,340 --> 00:17:13,934
Reginald Bundy, critic for The Times.
215
00:17:14,140 --> 00:17:16,973
You know, I get so few chancesto see films with the public.
216
00:17:17,180 --> 00:17:19,978
This time I wanna watch a filmexactly as the people do.
217
00:17:20,180 --> 00:17:22,774
So, if you don't mind...
218
00:17:27,620 --> 00:17:33,013
Well, guys, I guess you're on your own.Monique wants to go upstairs.
219
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:34,892
Later, gators.
220
00:17:39,180 --> 00:17:42,217
Why can't guys be like Bud?
221
00:17:42,420 --> 00:17:44,536
Let's face it.
222
00:17:44,740 --> 00:17:46,856
We're with boys.
223
00:17:47,060 --> 00:17:50,769
Bud is a man. He knowshow to treat a lady.
224
00:18:13,780 --> 00:18:16,089
So, what's your point?
225
00:18:17,460 --> 00:18:20,896
My point is,
you have no respect for women.
226
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:24,058
I mean, you treat them as objects
rather than real people.
227
00:18:24,540 --> 00:18:27,293
Look, I don't like it either, all right.
228
00:18:27,500 --> 00:18:30,856
But sometimes, to get the babes
to put out, you gotta pretend.
229
00:18:31,060 --> 00:18:32,539
Now...
230
00:18:32,740 --> 00:18:35,538
...I'm gonna give you
one last chance.
231
00:18:46,820 --> 00:18:48,890
Easy there, froggy.
232
00:18:49,100 --> 00:18:52,012
Go slow.
Show her what you've learned.
233
00:18:52,220 --> 00:18:55,337
And above all, respect her.
234
00:19:06,420 --> 00:19:09,139
Smooth move, Gilligan.
235
00:19:10,980 --> 00:19:13,892
I can't stand your bumbling
any longer.
236
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:16,898
Look, let's face it...
237
00:19:17,460 --> 00:19:20,418
...your body isn't big enough
for the both of us.
238
00:19:21,460 --> 00:19:22,688
Your responses indicate...
239
00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:28,213
...that you own a burnt sienna,mid-century Dodge with 800,000 miles.
240
00:19:28,420 --> 00:19:32,174
To verify this information, press 1.
241
00:19:33,580 --> 00:19:35,855
Hello, Mr. Bundy.
242
00:19:43,300 --> 00:19:46,815
A live operator will be with youin a moment.
243
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,932
Peg, a real person's gonna be
on with me in a minute.
244
00:19:51,140 --> 00:19:54,689
- That's nice, dear.
- Help me! Help me!
245
00:19:54,940 --> 00:19:58,569
- He's trying to merge with me!
- I'll save you, baby.
246
00:19:58,820 --> 00:20:00,048
Al, call the police.
247
00:20:14,900 --> 00:20:18,495
- Bud? Do you need someone to talk to?
- Mom!
248
00:20:18,700 --> 00:20:21,055
Pull him off me!
He's taking over, Mom!
249
00:20:21,260 --> 00:20:22,534
Pull him off me!
250
00:20:22,740 --> 00:20:26,096
Well, I don't know, honey.
He's really, really big.
251
00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:29,496
I better just go get your daddy
to help me.
252
00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:32,612
You hold him there. I'll be right back.
253
00:20:35,180 --> 00:20:36,898
Hello, Mr. Bundy.
254
00:20:37,100 --> 00:20:39,568
Operator? You're alive!
255
00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:43,489
Barely, but it beats sellingTime-Life Books.
256
00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:47,454
Now, if you'll give me your credit card
number, we'll send your part right out.
257
00:20:47,660 --> 00:20:49,890
Al. Al, you have to help our son.
258
00:20:50,100 --> 00:20:52,853
Not now, Peg. I got a live person
on the phone here. Oh, man!
259
00:20:53,060 --> 00:20:55,494
In a couple of hours
I'm gonna be tooling in my Dodge.
260
00:20:55,700 --> 00:20:57,611
Operator, I gotta go get my wallet.
261
00:20:57,820 --> 00:21:00,175
Out of the way, woman!
262
00:21:04,340 --> 00:21:07,059
Hi, Bud. How you doing?
263
00:21:07,980 --> 00:21:11,211
I'm cool. It's cool.
264
00:21:11,420 --> 00:21:13,331
Everything's cool...
265
00:21:14,980 --> 00:21:16,971
...now.
266
00:21:18,580 --> 00:21:22,050
Bud, you know,
it's never too late to take vitamins.
267
00:21:22,260 --> 00:21:24,774
Oh, I had my PEZ this morning, Mom.
268
00:21:25,460 --> 00:21:28,099
About that PEZ...
269
00:21:28,300 --> 00:21:32,088
Damn job. Damn life. Damn diner.
270
00:21:35,180 --> 00:21:38,456
Daddy says never waste electricity.
271
00:21:40,380 --> 00:21:41,608
- Hi, pumpkin.
- Hi, Daddy.
272
00:21:41,820 --> 00:21:44,175
- I got a real person.
- Good, Daddy.
273
00:21:53,220 --> 00:21:55,370
If you build it...
274
00:21:55,580 --> 00:21:57,616
...he will come.
275
00:22:00,860 --> 00:22:03,533
If you want them to build it for you...
276
00:22:03,740 --> 00:22:05,492
...press 1.
21990
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