All language subtitles for Fresh - 05x17

- Eddie, no more computer!
- Whoa.

This knock-off version of
"The Sims" is so accurate.

It even sounds like Mom.

Eddie!

It's noon and you're
still in your pajamas?

I was up all night making
computer versions of our family.

It took me four hours to
get Dad's hair right.

Did you do the laundry like I asked you?

I said I'd get to it.

Off the computer now
and go do the laundry.

And go take a shower.

You smell like hot-dog water.

Believe me, little dude... I get it.

Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com

Thanks for letting me
borrow your hammer, Louis.

The hardware store near my
apartment stopped selling them

- after all the murders.
- Mm, no problem, Horace.

Moving into your first
apartment is hard work.

Oh, and I, uh, marked it
with an "H" for "Huang"

so we don't get mixed up.

But "H" is also for
"Horace." And hammer.

But that "H" is for "Huang."

I'll bring it back as soon as
I'm done decorating my place

the way I want to.

"Oh, oh, you think the Elvira poster
is too sexy for my room, Mom?

Well, that's too bad,
because it's my place!"

Uh, Elvira?

- She's... kind of... hot.
- Oh. Okay.

You know, my first apartment
was above a saxophone store.

I used to tell people
I live on the corner

of Rhythm and Blues.

Until the mailman told me to stop.

Hey, I should find my
old lease and frame it!

Man, living alone must be
awesome. I can't wait.

When I have my own place, I'm gonna have

a beat-box answering machine.

"Leave a message after the..."

- "...beat."
- Yes!

Living alone is great, man.

I can do whatever I
want, whenever I want.

I haven't felt this free since
I went on Cultural Exchange

to Taiwan when I was 16.

Say what now?

You know, when you go all over Taiwan

with a bunch of other
teenagers on a bus?

They say it's educational,

but the only thing I learned

is how to smooch girls with
a mouth full of tapioca.

But what about your parents?

The best part about Cultural Exchange...

No parents.

Hey, is it cool if I take this?

Thanks, man. Housewarming gift.

Eddie? I said no more video games.

I need the computer to
instant-message with Honey

while she's on bed rest.

I already have my topics all picked out.

But Computer Eddie just
ordered bottle service.

Who cares? He's a pixel blob!

Now, off the computer or no
seeing your friends for a week.

Fine. I'll just play with my
"digital friends" instead.

Fine. I'll just pack you a digital lunch

for school tomorrow instead.

"Microsoft Sandwich".

Fine. I'll just raid the
freshmen learning garden.

They don't need that much rosemary.

Okay, you want to use the computer?

- Then you can teach Grandma.
- Whoo!

What?! You know that's way
worse than no computer.

Why can't you just give
me a little space?

I would love to give you a little space,

but parenting you is a full-time job.

Ask Jeeves to look for "Tom Selleck...

plus shirtless".

Who designed this house?
The Harlem Globetrotters?

Allow me.

There's that famous volleyball
reach I've heard so much about.

Cowboy boots? When did that start?

A few weeks ago. You didn't notice?

Oh, of course I did.

Started a few weeks ago.

Well, I'm worried about him,
and it's not just the boots.

He's seemed different lately.

Emery?

No. You could set your
watch by that kid.

I'm sure it's nothing.

He's probably just parting
his hair the opposite way.

He isn't, and I would know.

I'm the one that does his hair.

You do your brother's hair?

So? I have the time.

I think he might be
going through something

and he doesn't know how to tell us.

Well, I'm sure, if it's anything
important, he would tell me.

We've been really connecting lately,

ever since our Chinese New Year tussle.

We even discovered a
mutual love of volleyball.

- Since when do you like volleyball?
- Since always.

Spatch! That's a volleyball term.

Okay, if nothing's going on,

explain why I found this on his desk.

The Cowboy Palace Saloon?

He could've gotten this anywhere.

Besides, the boy has a lot of candles.

Louis!

Printer's ink run out.

Tom's chest soaked it up.

I need a new name for Instant Messenger.

Jessica Huang was taken,

so I have Jessica-Computer-Name,

Chinese-Barbara-Bush,

or Deidres-A-Poop-6.

Ooh, tough call. They're all great.

Anyway, Mother,

I was thinking, and you're right...

How we both need a little space.

In the words of Louis Armstrong,

"And I think to myself...

w-what a dope-ass world."

I owe it to myself to get out there.

- Uh-huh.
- Which is why

I would like your permission to go

on the Cultural Exchange trip to Taiwan.

What are we laughing about?

You! Going on a Cultural Exchange!

Wh-What's so funny about that?

You can't survive on your own.

I do everything for you.

I wake you up for school,

I cook for you, I do your laundry...

Hey, I did the laundry this time.

Only because I hounded
you until you did it.

You're like a little baby bird

who sits in front of
the computer all day

and would die if his
beautiful mother bird

stopped regurgitating
worms into his mouth.

So I'm sorry, but the answer is no.

Every time I think we've
gone and turned a corner,

you go right back to
treating me like I'm a baby!

I'm 16 years old. I can
look after myself!

I'm going on that trip.

Well, I'll call the program and
tell them not to accept you.

As long as you live under my
roof, you go by my rules.

Fine. Then maybe it's time I
didn't live under your roof.

Fine! You know where the door is.

Ooh, Orlando State is selling
a DNA gene sequencer.

That lab fire is the gift
that keeps on giving.

Mm-hmm. So, uh, Emery,

excited about volleyball practice?

You know, I was reading that volleyball

is the number-one sport amongst nudists.

- What's a nudist?
- Uh, doesn't matter.

Everything good with you, though?

No, uh, troubles at
school or anywhere else,

like a roadhouse or a
Western-themed speakeasy?

Nope! All good. You know me, Dad.

I do, don't I?

Mr. Volleyball.

Have a good practice, son.

Bye.

See? I was right. Emery is fine.

He's just a good, old-fashioned,

cowboy-boot-wearing, volleyball-playing,

nudist-ignorant kid.

Uh-huh.

So, have you ever actually
seen him play or...?

Uh, hi. I'm Louis Huang, Emery's dad.

Who?

Uh, Louis Huang. I run
the steakhouse off I-4.

The one next to the haunted supermarket.

No, who are you looking for?

Uh, Emery Huang.

Oh, the Chinese kid.

Yeah, he quit the team weeks ago.

Sebastian!

Get your hair out of your
mouth and play volleyball!

You need to stop hanging your
bras on the clothesline outside.

A bird made a nest in one of the cups.

Well, this is it.

I'm really doing it. I'm
really running away.

Okay.

You're letting him leave?

Please. He's gonna get hungry

and be back in here in 10 minutes.

Then who is that picking him up?

Horace?

Oh, here comes Selleck's groin.

Tell me about it, Commander Beefcake.

Ha! Oh, Susan!

Everything does happen to you
very suddenly, doesn't it?

Jessica.

_

Worried? I'm thrilled.

A break from being
Eddie's full-time mom?

I feel like I'm on one of those
fancy white-people cruises

where everybody gets diarrhea.

_

_

_

Connie used to do this all the time.

If she didn't get her way,

she'd run off and spend the
night in a grain silo.

But she always came home.

Trust me.

Eddie is not mature enough to
survive in the world without me.

He's probably in a grain silo right now,

ruing the day he ever
left his comfortable bed.

Welcome to Chez Horace.

This is it? How long have you been here?

Ah, just a few weeks.

It's really starting to come together.

- Hoo.
- Where do you even sleep?

My waterbed.

I made it myself.

Go ahead. Take it for a spin. Eh, no.

Cool.

I'm gonna use you to solve the puzzle

that has plagued scientists
for centuries...

Was Eddie adopted?

Stop talking to the gene sequencer

and keep an eye out for Emery.

Are you gonna confront him?

Just be aware, he spooks easily.

He almost killed Grandma last
time she wore a mud mask.

No, I'm not gonna call him out
and risk how far we've come

since Chinese New Year.

Besides, I'm sure he has
a reasonable explanation

for why he quit the volleyball team.

There he is!

And he's... sweaty?

- Hey.
- Hey.

So, how was practice?

Great. Coach says my spatch
game is really coming together.

Horace, don't take this the wrong way,

but your apartment blows.
Like, really blows.

Like, I can't believe
you left home for this.

What were you thinking?

The truth is,

I didn't move out.

- My parents kicked me out.
- What?

Why didn't you tell me that before?

I was embarrassed!

And plus I was hoping you would bring

some luxury items from your house,

like pillows or lamps or toilet paper.

I've been using a sack
of rice as a pillow,

and now my neck is so jacked up,

I think one of my arms
is permanently asleep.

Yeah, that's not good.

I can't go back now, let my mom win.

Hey, do you want something to drink?

I don't have any glasses
yet, but I can rinse out

an old bottle of contact lens solution.

I think I'm just gonna turn in.

Okay.

Well, good night, Eddie.

It's good to have you here.

And you can stay as long as you want.

I think I made a big mistake.

God, me too, man.

Me, too.

_

_

_

Thank God...

I knew it. I knew you couldn't survive

out there on your own without
me, and I was right.

Come on now. Get up.

It's after 5:00.

Hey, um... can I get a glass of milk?

- Oh...
- What are you doing in my house?

To be honest, I just needed a
dry bed and something to eat.

I don't have any food...

or furniture at my house.

It's, um... It's kind of a dump.

What? And you just left Eddie there?

No. He was gone when I woke up.

Gone where?

Here, I assume.

Is he not here?

Now, about that milk...

And the coach said you're
having a special extra practice

so you can watch "Top Gun" as a team?

Just the volleyball scenes.

Oh.

Have a good practice, Emery.

Thanks.

If that is your real name.

And now the stakeout begins.

I brought a bag of disguises.

Are you okay playing a woman?

Shh, there he is.

Yes.

Follow that Huang.

Meet Dr. Lucas Palindrome,

a psychiatrist from Brooklyn, New York.

That's the bar from the matchbook.

Is he really going in there?

Hey.

He quit volleyball so he
could underage drink.

What a waste.

What do you say you dress
up as Mrs. Palindrome

and we get our pictures
taken at the mall?

Wait in the car and lock the doors.

Where are you going, Melinda?

To rescue my son!

Our son! Our son, Melinda!

Whoa there, partner. You can't...

I own a Western-style steakhouse.

Now get your damn hand off me.

If we go to the airport,
it's a $45 flat fee.

Just so you know. This
is all your fault.

My fault? What did I do?

You lost him!

If he's not huddled up in your
crack den like a fetal mouse,

he could be anywhere.

No offense, but you lost him first.

Okay, we're here.

Hey, if you see anybody
with a hammer, run!

Oh, hey, man. I just went down to
the Goodwill and picked up some...

Oh, my God, Eddie, you're...

thriving!

Hey, if either of you lost a
tooth, it's in the stairwell.

Mom? What are you doing here?

I was worried you...

forgot to bring clean underwear.

Knowing you, you probably left
home without packing any spares.

For your information,
I packed eight pairs.

That way, I can do laundry on Sunday

and not have to wear my
swimsuit as underwear.

We all know that mesh never recovers.

You figured it out.

I love what you've done
to this place, man.

I mean, it's not really my
style, but... it works.

Eddie did this?

By himself?

I told you I can take
care of myself, Mom.

When are you gonna start believing me?

Fine. We'll talk about
it on the way home.

No, we won't.

I'm going to the store to buy olive oil

for the bruschetta I'm
making for tonight's dinner.

Horace only owns... massage oil.

- You went through my nightstand?
- You mean the Mervyn's bag

hanging on the bathroom door handle?

I thought that was trash.

Stay out of my stuff, man.

Dad? What are you doing here?

What are you doing here? In a bar?

And why did you quit volleyball?

Because I hate volleyball.

But you said you loved it.

I did at the beginning.
And then I didn't.

But by the time I figured that out,

you'd already gone and
made it "our thing".

All of a sudden, you
were Mr. Volleyball.

No, I wasn't.

You drove me to Tampa so I
could get my volleyball signed

by former Olympic bronze
medalist Yoko Zetterlund.

Like I even know who that is!

You said that was one of the
top five moments of your life.

Well, I lied!

Look, this is my song.

I gotta go. I'll see you at home.

I am a terrible mother. No, you're not.

You just pushed too hard.
Being a mom is tough,

and nobody's perfect.

- God knows my mom isn't.
- I know your mom.

I bet she was real tough on you.

Oh, no, she gave me everything I wanted,

never yelled at me,

let me eat ice cream for
breakfast and dinner.

So your mom made you into
the person you are today?

Without her constant love and support,

I think I would've turned
out pretty different.

Mm, I bet you would have.

Thank you, Horace.

This has been very helpful.

Do you have a piece of paper?
I want to write Eddie a note.

No, but you want to scratch on
the wall? That's what I do.

Mind if I cut in, amigo?

Dad, what are you doing? You
don't know any of the steps.

I'm the former Cha Cha King of Taipei.

I don't need the steps.

Sorry if I made a big deal out
of you playing volleyball.

I'm sorry I lied about
it. I know you love it.

- Well...
- You don't love it?

I was pretending to love it
'cause I thought you loved it.

I was trying to connect with you.

So you don't know who Yoko
Zetterlund is, either.

Nobody does, son.

You didn't have to hide this from me.

If you want to be a
professional line dancer,

your mom and I will support you.

Relax, Dad. I don't.

Oh, thank God.

Your mother would've murdered us both.

Line dancing is fun and everything,

but the truth is, everyone treats me

like I've got it all figured out,

but I don't.

So I'm trying out different Emerys,

- and that's hard to do when you...
- Spatch your spike?

I don't know what that means.

Neither do I.

I guess I can come on a
little strong sometimes.

I just want to make
sure I'm there for you.

- Mind if I cut i...
- Back off, Shania.

I'm talking to my son.

I love that you're trying
to connect with me,

but it adds a lot of pressure.

I just need some space sometimes.

I get it.

And I'll be here when you need me.

Leroy, you fix a mean Shirley Temple.

Mom, where's Dad?

Horace said he was attacked
by a bunch of bees!

Your dad's fine.

That was just a clever
ploy to get you home.

There's something I want to tell you.

What? You're right and I'm
wrong? I've heard it before.

No.

I was scared I'd pushed you away.

But after talking to Horace,
I realized I hadn't.

I pushed you out. Ew. Gross, Mom.

Ew, not like that!

Pushed you out of the nest.

Which is my job as your mom.

And as usual, I was too good at it,

and now you're ready early.

So you're welcome.

Thank you.

Wait, for what?

Well, you could've had Horace's mom...

A nice mom who gives you hugs

and lets you eat ice cream for dinner.

But instead, you got me,
and because of that,

you know how to take care of yourself.

I'm sorry I ran away.

If it's any consolation,
Horace's apartment sucked.

Everything was covered in cat hair,

and he doesn't even own a cat.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I need you to move the
computer into my room.

What?! But you don't even use it!

I guess I'll have to learn.

We'll have to keep in
touch somehow, right?

Wait...

so I can go on the Cultural
Exchange to Taiwan?

Fine.

Hey, this will be nice for me, too.

I look forward to being
bumped down to part-time mom.

So, what are you gonna do
with all your free time?

Oh, I'm sure I'll find
someone else to boss around.

Mom?!

It's 3:00 in the morning.

I have a problem.

You'll stop cleaning

when I tell you to stop
cleaning, Robot Louis!

- That's my favorite game.
- Pretty cool, right?

Hey, wait. Where's grandma?

Oh, she's around.

_

Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com