All language subtitles for Better Living Through Chemistry [2014] HDRip XViD juggs[ETRG]

♪ [ Men Vocalizing ]

♪ [ Vocalizing Stops ]

♪ [ Vocalizing Resumes ]

♪ [ Vocalizing Ends ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Jane Fonda Narrating ]
You can't help everyone.

But everyone can help someone.

Hey, honey.

[ Snorts ]
Mm.
You wanna party?

Doug, it's a weekday.

[ Fonda ]
But if you asked him,
Doug Varney would tell you...

sayings like these
were fortune cookie horseshit.

[ Knocking ]
[ Doug ]
Ethan?

Time to get up.

Hey, Ethan?

Hey, pal.

Jesus God.

[ Sighs ]

[ Pounding ]

Jesus God.

[ Doug ]
I appreciate his ingenuity,

but, you know, maybe we
shouldn't keep cookies in
the house anymore.

It's important for him to know
that when he behaves,

the treats that we promise him
are real.

If we take the cookies
out of the house,

then those promises
become empty.

Okay, but he's not a dog.
Excuse me.

He's a 12-year-old boy.

Did you know
that he covered his windows
in black paint?

Mmm.
Did you know that?

Yes. He asked me
before he did it.

And you think that it's okay
for him to live in a black
box?

I think we need to remain
supportive even if his, um,

interests are different
than ours, Doug.

You know, taking so many
vitamins all at once
cancels out the impact.

Dad disagrees.

He's not a doctor.

[ Laughs ]
Neither are you, sweetie.

[ Fonda ]
When I'm in between jobs,

I like to get away
from the hustle and bustle
of Tinseltown,

which is why I've kept a place
in Woodbury.

Once you get past
the candle makers
and fudge shops,

it's truly a beautiful place
to live--

the kind of place
where things don't change
all that much,

which makes today so special.

Doug had done his time
at Bishop's Pharmacy, working
under his father-in-law...

and learning the ins and outs
of running a small business.

And after years of delay,
Walter Bishop
was finally retiring...

and the pharmacy
was changing hands.

So long, Bishop's.
Hello, Varney's.

Um, what's--

Okay.

I think there's been
a mistake or--

No mistake.

[ Exhales Sharply ]

I just thought
when we agreed to buy...

the business from you
that, you know, we'd--

All right. Let's put this
to rest right now.
choose to change it.

- Okay.
- People know Bishop's.

Woodbury has trusted that name
for a long, long time.

They know they can count
on our service
to always be right.

Accurate.
Trustworthy.

What? Change the name
to Varney's or something?

[ Laughs ]

Varney's?
[ Continues Laughing ]

[ Fonda ]
Doug had gotten very good...

at hiding disappointment
over the years,

but that doesn't mean
this didn't hurt.

The pharmacy might be
officially his,
but nothing else was changing.

[ Sighs ]

But despite
what you might think,

Doug found great comfort
in being a pharmacist.

Studiously counting
medication,
filling prescriptions--

He was good at what he did.

I saw it every time I came in.

But I could also see
that Doug Varney wanted
something more.

And while he could probably
never put it into words,

maybe it had to do with being
a man who provided solutions
for everybody but himself.

[ Woman ]
Consult!

Consult!
I-I heard you
the first two times.

Thank you, Janet.

[ Fonda ]
As the one pharmacist
in a small town,

Doug knew a little bit
about a lot of people.

But he was always
professional, never judged,

and his customers
always listened to him.

Customers like Donald Zucker.

Donald had battled
a weight problem his whole
life.

Doug gave him Lipitor
as well as some dietary
advice,

but then Donald had never been
a very good listener.

Amoxicillin. Zoloft.
Metformin. Setrol.

Doug was there
with whatever they needed.

but because sometimes love
just isn't enough,
Doug was there with the Xanax.

And Tegretol
for Susan D'Francesco...

- because she was bipolar.
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]

For Brian Malloy,
Chantix to help beat
his nicotine addiction.

However, since side effects
included severe constipation,

[ Chuckles ]
well--

And for poor Kathleen Bergman,
Lysodren,

because sometimes
cancer comes back.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

And for mailman
Arnold Morello,

Valtrex to treat
his freshly acquired case
of genital herpes,

an affliction he most
certainly did not catch from
his wife.

It's gonna be okay.

It's-It's just--
It's-It's all
very complicated.

I mean, I'd never been
to Atlantic City before.

Just be diligent
about the medication.

You'll feel better
before you know it, okay?

All right.
Hang in there.

Nice shorts, man.
Super shorts.

What the hell
is that guy on, huh?

That's confidential.
No, I know what it is.

Antidepressants,
I bet. Right?

Postal worker,
the end of his rope,
seconds away from this--

[ Imitates Gun Cocking,
Automatic Weapon Firing ]

Huh, look at all the blood!

[ Imitates Gunfire ]
Okay.

But then look,
he saves one for himself.
[ Imitates Gunshot ]

[ Laughs ]
Uh--

Just do me a favor.
Just don't wander off.

Um, we got a new batch
of deliveries coming in
for you soon.

'cause I would've totally
forgot, and that's my fault.

[ Sniffs ]
I know I said I could work
till 8:00 tonight.

- Yeah.
- But my man Rio,

he scored tickets
to Wide Spread tonight.

Get outta here.
I know, it's insane.

So I gotta jet out
way early.

Okay.
Uh, uh--

But you promise to get
all the deliveries done
before you go, right?

Stop it.
You have my word.

Okay.

Hi, honey.
Yeah, I'm gonna be late.

Yeah, Noah.
It's fine.

Just grab dinner without me.

I'll get dinner somewhere.
Yeah.

Something healthy.

I'll see you later.
Okay, bye.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

♪ [ Men Vocalizing ]

♪ [ Ends ]
Roberts, Roberts,
Roberts, Roberts.

[ Sighs ]
Junkies.

♪ [ Soft Rock, Faint ]

[ Quietly ]
Hey, rich people.

Hello?

Yes?

♪ Left to your own upheaval ♪

♪ Careless of conditioning ♪

♪ You put your mistrust
in the higher things ♪

Uh, you must be, uh--

You must be Mrs. Roberts?

Could you step inside?
It's a little chilly out here.

♪ Everybody's gotta face up
to the facts ♪

Okay. Uh--

♪ But I don't dare ♪

♪ And you say it must be so ♪

Nice place.

♪ But we're all dressed up
and ready to go ♪

[ Clears Throat ]

Like I said,
it's a little chilly.

Get you sorted out,
and I'll be... on my way.

You probably think
I'm some kind of junkie,
huh?

Well, it's not my business
to know how people got sick.

Just how to get 'em
feeling better.

[ Laughs ]
That's catchy.

Huh.
Mm!

Yeah, um, so it looks like
there was some confusion...

with the-the insurance
company, and the--

- It's not an issue.
How much do I owe you?
- Uh, $215,

plus the eight dollar
delivery fee.

Mm.
But I'll waive that.

[ Olive Splashes ]

That is so nice of you.

Are you gonna
get in trouble
with your boss?

I am my boss.

[ Chuckles ]
I mean I'm the pharmacist.

- You're Bishop.
- Varney.
I'm Douglas Varney.

No, the--
Everything says Bishop.

W-- Is that gonna be
cash or check?

I'll get--
Do you ever think
about calling it Varney's?

[ Clears Throat ]

♪ But we're all dressed up
and ready to go ♪

- Hmm.
- [ Dogs Growling ]

[ Panting ]

Uh, nice doggie.
[ Footsteps Approaching ]

[ Whining ]

Had it done
before the wedding.
Uh--

What do you think?
Of the portrait?

Yeah.
It's nice.

Mm.
Jack insisted on it.

They even made
his shoulders bigger.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm sure he's a great guy.

Oh, he certainly
thinks so.

So I double-checked
the bill, and, um,

it seems to be correct,
so--

Mm.

This is embarrassing, but...

turns out I only have
about $20 cash on me,

and the only person
in this household...

who has a checkbook
is my husband,

and he is still in
the city, of course.

Oh. Okay, well--

No! I know
what you're thinking.

I live in this
fucking house,

I have a $70,000 Benz
in the driveway...

and I don't have enough cash
to order a pizza.

So how would I not--
I know. That's what you mean.

I was gonna say...
not a problem.

You can just come by the store
and pay the rest
when you have it.

But I will have to take
the Benz as collateral,
of course.

[ Chuckles ]

You're just one of those
authentically nice guys,
aren't you?

Well, yeah.
I guess so.

You're just honest
and sweet.

Most girls don't always go
for honest and sweet.

Girls don't, but women do.

♪ Oh, warm my heart ♪

Mmm.

- Mmm.
- Uh, okay.

I'm just gonna go--
get going, and you go--

You, uh, can come
by the store. You know
where the store is?

Yeah, 'cause it--

Address on there.
So, good night
and thank you.

♪ Stay with me ♪

Hi.
Sorry I'm so late.

The deliveries were all out
of order, and I didn't know
all the addresses.

Noah didn't even put them
in the ledger.
Ethan's school called today.

Oh, okay.
What-What's the problem?

Uh, Principal Hyphenated Name,
she wouldn't say over
the phone.

She says that we need
to come in ASAP
for a conference.

He painted his windows black.
Why are you acting
so surprised?

Please just go upstairs
and talk to him.

♪ [ Rock ]

Hey!

Hey.

So how was school today?

♪ [ Electric Guitar ]

So you think you might wanna
come out with us
for a ride this weekend?

Yeah, um, I don't think so.
Oh, come on.

Open road,
sunshine on your face,

wind in your hair--
It'll be fun.

♪ [ Rock Continues ]

So you'll think about it?

[ Fonda ]
Doug wanted to open the door
and talk to Ethan,

I mean, I know a thing or two
about working out,

and there's absolutely
nothing fun about weekend
bike rides at all.

Come on, honey!
Let's take this hill!

Fucking misery.

Kara discovered road cycling
was perfect for shedding
baby weight,

He saw cycling as a chance
for them to do something
as a young family.

And, for a moment,
it was fun.

For Kara, though, cycling
turned from hobby
into profession,

inspiring her business
at the nearby
Glen Rock Shopping Center.

Come on!
Grind it out!

Cottage cheese is
for breakfast, not thighs!

Whoo!

And leading her to victory
at the Tour de Woodbury.

She's won five
out of the last six races.

It's become the cornerstone
of Kara's year...

and the bane
of Doug's existence.

[ Breathes Heavily ]

And I said, "Armstrong?
More like headstrong."

[ All Laughing ]

Doug, you made it.

[ Doug Gasping ]

There you go, Dougie.
You know the drill.

Last man pays.

We waited 45 minutes
for you, Doug.

I just figured
we'd all eat together.

It's gonna be
getting dark now, okay?

I want you
to be careful.
Okay.

Okay.

Thanks, honey.
Yep. See you at home.

Doug?

Oh, hey,
Mrs., um--

- Elizabeth.
- Right.

[ Elizabeth ]
Did you think about going
to medical school?

I did. I was,
but then Kara got pregnant.

Things changed.
Mm. Mm-hmm.

We got married,
and this just seemed like
the logical choice.

Especially with Kara's father
owning a pharmacy and all.

- He's Bishop.
- He's definitely Bishop.

He's Bishop.
Wow.

- Whoa.
- And what about the--

This.
The cycling thing.

Do that for the cool clothes
or what?

[ Laughs ]
Yeah. Yeah.

No, mostly I do it
because, uh,
my wife expects me to.

Although I don't share
her passion, I do think
that a good cardio workout...

three times--
Doug, can I ask you something?

Go ahead.

Do you do everything
your wife tells you to do?

♪ [ Cell Phone Ringing ]

Excuse me.

Yeah?
Oh, no. I'm still here.

I've been here
for fucking two hours.

You are--
You are offensive.

You are--
Oh, I--

Don't, no. Don't.
Just don't fucking come, then!

[ Clears Throat ]
Sorry about that.

I really shouldn't
be saying anything,
because you look like...

you're gonna be very good
for business,

but the pills
in those orange bottles
aren't always the solution...

to people's problems,
you know?

When you find that solution,
you let me know
what it is, all right?

[ Doug ]
I can't tell you how much
I appreciate this.

Yes, you can.

I appreciate it.

See, I knew you could.

I'm tipsy.
Mm-hmm.
[ Giggles ]

[ Sighs ]

This has been
really fun--

Yeah.
Hanging out with you
and just talking.

Yeah.
Seriously, Doug.

I-I think this is
the first real conversation
I've had in months.

Well, I am one of those
authentically nice guys,
right?

And I'm a nice girl.

Kindred spirits.

Yeah.

Hmm.
Hmm.

[ Woman ]
♪ Twilight skies ♪

[ Fonda ]
And so these two
kindred spirits...

made one last stop
before heading home.

[ Elizabeth ]
Come right now. Come.
[ Doug Grunting ]

Adultery?

Oh, please.
Save the preaching for church.

You'd change your tune too
after being balls deep
in a woman like Elizabeth.

Uh! My skull is exploding!

- Coming!
- Yes!

I'm gonna come!
I'm gonna come!

Yes! Come!
I'm gonna come!
I'm gonna--

[ Clears Throat ]

So.
Hmm.

[ Chuckles ]

What happens now?

I'm not really sure.

This isn't something
I normally engage in.

Yeah, right.

I think maybe you go inside
to your wife,

and I go home to my husband.

Course.
[ Mutters ] Yeah.

See you around.

Okay.
Good night.

Good night.
[ Engine Starts ]

It has been a good night.

[ Car Pulls Away ]

[ Sighs ]
♪ Twilight skies ♪

♪ Twinkling above me ♪

♪ Show me you're lucky ♪

- [ Banging ]
- [ Shouts ]

Yeah? What is it?
[ Kara ]
Hurry up, Doug!

[ Quietly ]
Oh, fuck off.

[ Bell Rings ]

Mr. and Mrs. Varney,
we're all here...

to try to help
work things through
the best way possible.

Maybe you can tell us
what this is about, huh?

It was brought
to my attention yesterday--

While he should have
been in Life Science,

Ethan was discovered
by one of the faculty members
in the boys' locker room...

vandalizing
one of the lockers with--

Excrement.

And this isn't the first time.
Substantial pieces of sh--
Um, um--

- Poop.
- had been turning up
around the school...

for the past two months.

There's no way
of connecting Ethan
to the other "leavings," but--

Excuse me. Are you trying
to suggest that my son
is some sort of Una-shitter?

Like I said, there's no way
to be 100% sure.

He has never had
any problems before.

No, he hasn't, and--

That's right, so maybe
you need to look elsewhere.

Mm-hmm.
Okay.

Like that David Chen kid.

You know.
You know the one who, uh--

who brought the fireworks
on the class trip
to Six Flags.

Seems likely the kid
who's toting explosives
on a field trip...

would also take a dump
in a locker.

- Mrs. Varney.
- I'm gonna be sick.

This is nothing more
than a little boy
crying out for attention.

And who are you again?
Dr. Roth.

- Ah, okay.
- School psychiatrist.

And, um, your degree came
from which of our fine
online universities?

- Honey, they're just--
- No, these are serious
accusations...

being made by complete
strangers with very little
evidence.

Unless, of course, there's
been a major breakthrough in
crime forensics...

and you've dusted the shit
for prints, Dr. Roth.

No.

If it's okay with you,
I'd like to start seeing Ethan
twice a week,

get a better idea
of who he is--

I think that's
a good idea.

and what's going on,
and, uh, uh--

Just to head off any--
Honey. Honey.

trouble at the pass.
[ Door Slams ]

[ Doug Sighs ]

[ Laughs ]

I'm--

Oh, uh, do-do
the thing for us.

No, no, no, no, no.
Go on, go on.
It's great.

It's none of our business.
Yeah, yeah.
No, it's great.

"Dr. Friedman-- Mitchell--
as top cardiologist here
at County General,

I'm surprised that you
can't diagnose true heartache
when you see it.

But I love you,
and I'll do anything it takes
to keep you."

And then we kiss.
[ Laughing ]

That was great.
Wasn't it, Doug?

Doug?
Huh?

- Wasn't that great?
- Great.

That was just great.

What--
So what happens now?

Do they, uh,
call you back or--

Only if you get the part.

[ Both ]
Did they call?

No. Not yet.

So!

Everything okay
down at the store, Doug?

Tip-top.
Great.

Well, that means
we can talk about Ethan.

He's at a pivotal age.

Uh, things can get all fucked
if you don't keep in check.

"Keep in check"?
What's that even supposed
to mean, Walter?

I think what Dad
is trying to say...

is that we should all keep
an eye out for Ethan
right now.

[ Laughs ]
Which is why...

I was gonna suggest that
he spend a few nights a week
with us.

Um--
A change of scenery,

along with another, stronger,
male influence.

- What?
- Well, it'd do
the boy some good.

- Dad.
- What exactly are you
suggesting, Walter?

I'm not suggesting
anything, Doug.
Dad!

Why can't we just eat a meal
like a normal family?

Right, Bree?

Mm. Mm.
It's good like this.

- You wanna try some?
- [ Kara ]
No, thank you.

[ Fonda ]
Doug couldn't do it anymore.

He was tired
of being pushed around,

tired of being ignored, tired
of being told what to do.

Things had to change.

[ Grunts ]
God.

Oh, whoa, whoa,
whoa, miss.
Hey, we're closed.

No, the, uh--
the thing says you're open.

Does it?
Oh, look it.
Check it.

Now we're closed,

so I'm gonna have
to usher you out--

Oh, wait!
over here,
behind the door.

Janet!
What are--

Wait, wait, wait.
Janet, Janet, hold on!

Hi.
Hello.

You told me
to lock up.

I know what I said,
but I think we can help out
one more... customer.

You also said
that I could go, so bye.

Hey, nice to see you again.

Yeah, it's nice
to see you too.

If you are closing early,
that's fine.

No, no, no, no.
No, come. What can I--
What can I do for you?

Uh--

[ Doug ]
Is everything okay out there?

Actually, I'm struggling
with something, Doug.

[ Exhales ]

Me too.
I know.

I'm struggling between
the drunken chimney sweep...

and this curious unicorn.

It's a big decision.

It's a big decision.
Right.

That is a tough one.
But if pressed, I would go
with the, uh, unicorn--

the cornerstone in
the Mythical Forest series.

Well, it's settled then.
I knew you could help me.

Swallow something
the size of a bread crumb...

and farewell to depression,
anxiety, insomnia.

Mm.

It's incredible.

You'll be swept away
into an artificial bliss,

made more assertive,
docile,

erect.

You never get high
on your own supply?

- That's illegal.
- Of course it is.

But it must be hard
working in the candy shop
all day long,

knowing that any of your
problems could be solved by
one of your little...

apothecaries.

Well, fortunately,
I've never had...

to take any medication
for anything.

Oh, for being crazy like me?

That's, uh--

That's not what I was gonna
say, and you're not crazy.

Mm. My husband
would disagree with you
on that point.

Come on. I mean,
you're beautiful,
you're smart and worldly.

I dropped out of college
after three semesters,

and I'm worldly
if you consider the world...

to be an investment banking
convention in St. Lucia.

All I've got going for me,
Doug, is a rich husband.

Other than that,
it's just a list of things
I wanna do...

and places I wanna see
a mile long.

Well, you can argue me
on smart and worldly,

but I think you're beautiful
and lovely.

And there's nothing you can
say that'll change my mind.

Are you saying that
because you mean it...

or because you want
to sleep with me again?

- [ Clattering ]
- Oh! That was a mistake.

We both got swept up
in the moment.
It was very nice, but I--

I have a family,
and you have a husband.

Both would be very upset
to lose us.

Fine.
Yeah, you're right.

It was a mistake.
Let's just put it
behind us.

I think it's wise.

As friends.

- Like adults.
- I'm good as friends.

- Oh, good.
- [ Chuckles ]

Adult friends.

[ Elizabeth Moans ]

Yeah. Mm.

I wanna put it in you.
Yes!

Put it in--
Yeah!

I'm gonna put it in you.
Okay. Go down.

God, I hope you're flexible.

[ Elizabeth Moaning ]

Get down.
Get down.

[ Kara ]
Easy does it. Okay.

All right!
That's what I'm talking about.

Sweat it up with the oldies.

Hey. I need to talk to you.

Can it wait?
We're just getting
started.

All right. Let's get going,
you lazy hausfraus!

You know what?
It can't wait.

Dr. Roth called. Apparently
you canceled Ethan's
appointment with him today?

Damn straight.
That guy's a quack.

Wow. Well, what do you
suggest we do?

Oh, sure. Another problem
I'm supposed to solve?

What is that
supposed to mean?

It means I've tried,
all right?

And he's your son too,
all right?

So just be his father
and do something.
[ Microphone Clicks ]

[ Amplified ]
It's called
being a man, Doug.

Give it a try. Who knows?
You might actually like it.

All right, you guys.
You ready to climb?

Huh?

All right, turn it up,
turn it up.
Out of the saddle.

Pick it up, Sandy,
or get your ass
outta here!

[ Fonda ]
So Doug and Elizabeth
made the decision...

to be more
than just adult friends.

[ Man ]
♪ When I look out my window ♪

Elizabeth taught him
about style,

how to kick back and treat
yourself now and then,

warrior one and warrior two.

Oh, and, uh, one more thing.

♪ Must be the season
of the witch ♪

♪ Must be the season
of the witch, yeah ♪

She taught him how to fuck.

♪ Must be the season
of the witch ♪

Doug reveled
in his newfound freedom,
and he trusted Elizabeth.

So when she told him
that a few pills
would make things even better,

he went along for the ride.

And you know what?

She was right.
The pills made him feel good.

Real good.
Which got him thinking.

♪ When I look over
my shoulder ♪

Anyone can take a pill--

♪ What do you think I see? ♪

but only a pharmacist knows
how to make one.

Percocet is nice, but when
spliced with atomoxetine
and hydrocodone,

the party could go
on for hours.

Fentanyl blended
with oxycodone...

made for a much more
interesting day at work...

and even more interesting
lunch breaks.

♪ You got to pick up
every stitch ♪

He compiled his own personal
grab bag of psychotropic
creations for them to enjoy.

He was elated,
carefree, alive.

The solution to his problems
had, in fact, been lining
his shelves all this time.

Doug had found better living
through chemistry.

He was no longer restricted
by the direction
in which he could move.

He was more than a Bishop.

He was a king.

♪ Must be the season
of the witch ♪

♪ Must be the season
of the witch ♪

♪ Must be the season
of the witch ♪

♪ Must be the season
of the witch, yeah ♪

♪ Must be the season
of the witch ♪

♪ Where'd I go? ♪

[ Elizabeth ]
What is it?
What? What's wrong?

Need a little
pick-me-up?
No.

I think I have some Oxy left.
We could do that.
That was fun. Or-- Ooh! Ooh!

We could take a sleeping pill
and keep each other up
and just trip out.

It's my wife.

Does she know?

Not at all,
and I almost want her to,

so she could see
how happy I am.

Oh, baby.
I'm happy too.

And also if she could see
all that sex stuff
that we're doing.

Like that thing you did
on top. What was that?

You mean reverse cowgirl?
Yeah. That was amazing.

What th--
I've never seen that before.

Yeah. You don't watch
a lot of porn,
do you, Doug?

Yeah, Kara busted me
one time, you know?

She put a parental lock
on my laptop. She--

What the--
Jesus fucking Christ, Doug!

- I-I-I know.
- No, I just--
I don't understand...

why a guy like you
puts up with shit
like that.

- You know, you deserve more!
- Sure, maybe. But what am I
gonna do about it?

Leave!
Huh?

Both of us.
Just-Just leave!

Wouldn't it be great?
We could go to Europe.

Or-Or-Or Australia
or Kathmandu, wherever.

We could just get out
of here and see
the world, you know?

Just imagine being able
to hit the reset button,
you know?

Get a do-over
and make a life with someone
really, really great.

That's great!
Yes!

You're great!
Oh!

- Yeah, I can't.
- What?

'Cause it's--
Kara would bleed me dry
in a divorce,

and you must have signed
a prenup, right?

Yeah. No, I did.
It's just another reminder
of what I am.

I mean, I'm just
a trophy wife.

If we don't age gracefully
and die...

holding our husband's hand
at the nursing home,
we get replaced.

What if he just went away
and he just--

He goes away.
He comes back.

Yeah, but what if he
died or something?

What if he--
What if he died?

What if he died?
[ Laughs ]

- Just died.
- Oh!

Went on a trip,
didn't come back.
Didn't come back!

He could die!
He died!

That would be great!

- Get the dogs to eat him.
- Oh! No, no, no.

If I wanted to kill him,
I would just gain
a hundred pounds.

[ Both Laugh ]

He would have
a heart attack.

You know, if you really
wanted to kill him--
Yeah?

you'd fuck with
his heart arrhythmia.

That--
Kill him stone cold.

Oh.

I was joking.
Yeah, no.

I know.
That was a joke.

I know. I know, baby.
I was joking too.

It's just, you know,
his heart is a problem.

You know, it has been
for years.

And you know, those--

those pills are the only thing
keeping the damn thing
ticking, you know?

And they could keep him going
another 20 years.

Another 20 years
of cocktail parties...

and fund-raising dinners
and golf tournaments.

I fucking hate golf so much.

Me too.
Oh!

You know, it's just
that sometimes...

I like to imagine
just me and you...

and more money than we know
what to do with, you know?

Adds a little excitement
to my life.

Like when I think about...
how I'm falling for you.

I love you too.
I love you so much.

But I should tell you,
you know,

there's a large number
of mandatory vaccinations
we should get...

before we go to Kathmandu.
Oh, baby, baby,
baby, baby, baby.

Well in advance.
Sometimes you need
to know...

when to just shut up
and give it to a girl.

Now being one
of those times.

Fantastic.

[ Truck Horn Blaring ]

- Hey, Varney!
- Right!

Uh, well these are both
fairly aggressive, uh,
stool softeners.

Either one should, uh,
do the job.

[ Door Closes ]
Thanks a lot.

Thank you.

Uh, I'm sorry.
Are you, um, Douglas Varney?

- Yeah.
- And you're the owner
of this establishment?

- Yes.
- Then how-how come
it's called Bishop's?

You can pay for that
right over there.

Oh, no, no. I'm sorry.
Here I am, I'm asking
all these questions.

I haven't introduced myself.
My name is, uh,
Special Agent Andrew Carp.

I'm with the Drug
Enforcement Agency.

Um, huh.

Anyway, um, our records
indicate that, uh,

this pharmacy recently
changed owners...

and no paperwork
was filed, so--

It's just protocol.

D.E.A.
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.
Wow.

Janet, the D.E.A. is here.

Isn't that wi--
Exciting?
Hi.

Shouldn't you be wearing a
windbreaker, cool sunglasses,
smashing down doors,

looking for bricks
of un--
Well, not necessarily,
you know.

I'm not, uh,
chasing Denzel or anything.

I'm just a regular guy,
you know?

And what most people don't
realize, Mr. Varney,

is that the misallocation of
prescription medicine kills,
uh, 29% more people...

than the so-called
glamour drugs.

Twenty-nine percent.
That's, uh--

That's like a third.

Glamour drugs?

Yeah. You know, coke,
crack, smack.

"E." You know, P-Dog.

Uh--
P-Dog?

What's that?
It's, um-- You--

It's kind of like sherm,
but different.

Gotta look into that.
Noah, could we, uh--
In any event--

Arms and Hammer.
the uh, the change-change
of ownership.

Right. Damn it,
I'm sorry.

I just took over
from my father-in-law
not too long ago.

- Yeah.
- So I'm still trying
to get a handle on things.

Nevertheless, I'm still
gonna have to take a look
at that inventory.

My inventory?
Yeah.

Why? I'm fully stocked.
I'm sure you are.

Uh, I just have to ensure
that the actual dispensation
of meds matches up...

with the, uh--
with the prescription records.

And make sure
I'm on the up-and-up.

That's right, Mr. Varney.

Unless, of course, you're
some sort of no-good thieving
pill-popper.

I'm playing with you.
Loosen up.
[ Laughs ]

Oh.
[ Laughs ]

No. I'm just kidding.
So, if I could--

Now might not be the
best time. It's just that
we've got all these--

Mr. Varney, Mr. Varney.
[ Clicking Tongue ]
A little trade secret.

Um, I don't want to be here
any more than you want me
to be here.

And, uh, between us,
you are hardly what I would
consider to be a, um--

a high-risk establishment.

[ High-Pitched Voice ]
You know what I'm saying?

[ Both Chuckling ]

I'm gonna hop to it, okay?

And I'm gonna be
out of your hair
in 30 minutes tops.

Thirty minutes.

[ Line Ringing ]

♪ [ Cell Phone Ringing ]

- Hello?
- Hey, it's me.
It's Doug.

Hey, hi.
What's going on?

What's going on is that I've
got a fucking D.E.A. agent
going through my inventory.

- That's what's going on.
- Mm-hmm.

Do you know what will happen
if we get caught?

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Calm down.

All right?
Take a deep breath.

[ Inhales ]

- [ Exhales ]
- Namaste.

Okay.
Okay?

Listen, if you act guilty,

he's gonna think
something's wrong,

but if you just act cool,
then he's gonna think that--

- That everything is normal.
- Exactly.

Besides, a D.E.A. agent
who investigates pharmacies?
Come on. Please.

Guy probably accidentally
shot his gun and got demoted.

[ Clattering ]

Thanks. You're the best.

Okay, I'm busy.
I gotta go. I'm busy.

Okay.

[ Rattling ]

Are we all done here?

I just need to see the stuff
with the pseudoephedrine.

Right. Uh--

I got a box.

Take it somewhere.
Yep.

Right over here.

Ah.

[ Exhales Sharply ]

Fuck, Ethan.

♪ [ Rock ]

It's loud, huh?

- ♪ [ Music Off ]
- Don't you think?

You're supposed to listen
to Mastodon loud.

Of course. Mastodon.

I brought you a snack.

So how was school today?

- Huh?
- I mean, okay, I guess.

Any idea why they might have
suspended you then?

[ Heavy Sigh ]

What-What the fu--

- Fuck are these?
- Golf clubs.

I know that.
What-What-What are
they doing here?

Grandpa bought them for me.
Said I needed a new hobby.

I told him I already have
a hobby, but he didn't seem
to care.

Golf is fucking stupid.

And elitist.
And so's your fucking
grandfather.

Fuck! Fucking fuck!
Fuck! Fuck!

[ Chuckling ]

[ Laughs ]

You know what I mean?

Listen to me.

Your mother might not agree
with me on this one,

but Grandpa doesn't always
know what's best.

Learning to play golf
or-or bike riding...

or any of that
stupid activity horseshit...

isn't gonna make you perform
better in school.

Dr. Roth said something
about putting me on, like,
a medication.

Am I sick?
No! No!

You're just 12, and being 12
sucks for everyone,

and everyone goes through
some weird shit at your age.

I mean, I used to fuck
the couch when I was 12.

What?
You heard me.

Instead of using my hand
to, you know,

I'd stuff a towel in the couch
and, well, fuck it.

That's crazy.

It ain't easy at your age,
you know?

But then one day you look up,

and you're okay again
without doctors or drugs
or anything else.

If you say so,
couch fucker.

You're a couch fucker.

So what's this hobby
you got?
Oh.

Far out.

There are 18 different
weapon disciplines
to master.

I've only got 11 so far.

That's awesome.

Really?
You're not mad?

I don't know. Should I be?
I don't know much
about ninjas.

No, no, no, no.
I just collect the stuff.

It's not like I'm out there
killing squirrels
or destroying public property.

Would you like to?

What do you say?
Give me one.

Okay.

- Oh! Holy shit!
- [ Doug Laughs ]

Shit--

♪ Shimmy, shimmy ya,
shimmy yam, shimmy yay ♪

♪ Gimme the mike
so I can take it away ♪

♪ Shimmy, shimmy ya,
shimmy yam, shimmy yay ♪

I don't know
if this is a good idea, Dad.

It's not.
It's a great idea.
Give me a cookie.

♪ Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang ♪

♪ Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang ♪

♪ Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang ♪

♪ Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang ♪

♪ Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang ♪

♪ Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang ♪

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

♪ Shimmy, shimmy ya,
shimmy yam, shimmy yay ♪

- Wait.
- ♪ Gimme the mike
so I can take it away ♪

♪ Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang ♪

♪ Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang ♪

Holy shit.

♪ Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang ♪

♪ Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang ♪

♪ Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang ♪

♪ Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang ♪

♪ Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang ♪

♪ Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang ♪

[ Doug Chuckles ]
It was fun.

It was, wasn't it?

Hey, I know
you don't wanna talk,

and quite frankly,
neither do I,

so just tell me
what this shit stuff's
all about at school.

[ Sighs ]

Well, in ninja code,

it's written that it's
the highest insult...

to smear one's excrement
on the home of his adversary.

Gotcha.

Kevin Reidman, Andy Berg,
David Chen--
They're all dicks.

All they do
is make fun of me, so--

So you insult their honor
with your poop?

Yeah.

Well, I think you've achieved
the desired effect, so--

So do your old man a favor
and give it a rest, okay?

All right.

Shh, shh, shh,
shh, shh.

[ Chuckling ]
Shh, shh, be quiet.
Be quiet.

Mom's asleep.

Hey, Dad?
Yeah?

There's this thing next week--

Bring your dad to school day
or some shit.

It'll probably be gay,
but I think it'd be cool
if you showed up.

You're on.

Cool.

[ Siren Blares ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Tires Screeching ]

[ Man ]
Everyone just stand back.
Thank you.

What in the fuck
happened here?

Mr. Bishop.
I'm Officer Willits.
We spoke on the phone.

"There has been an incident"?
This is a goddamn war zone.

Yeah.
Oh, fuck me running.

Who could've done
all of this?
I'm not sure, Walt,

but I think Officer Willits
had a promising lead on--
What was it?

Ninjas.
Mm.

It's an ancient Japanese
warrior cloaked in black,
often with mystical powers.

Sounds pretty serious, Walt.
[ Walter ]
Wait a minute.

Why would an ancient
Japanese warrior...

destroy a fucking pharmacy
sign in fuckin' Woodbury?

Sir, our investigation
is ongoing.

As soon as we get
some more information,
we'll let you know.

Well--

Doug, what are we gonna do
about this?

Well I think it best we leave
it in the capable hands
of the Woodbury P.D.

They seem to have things
under control.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I've got some business
to attend to.

[ Fonda ]
Doug did have business
to attend to.

Fuck!

There was no time to dwell
on his latest victory...

because an even greater
challenge lay ahead--

ending Kara's reign
at the Tour de Woodbury.

[ Janet ]
Consult!
You do it!

And he knew just how
to make that happen.

Using a base
of hypertropin growth hormone
for quick recovery,

cutting in magnesium hydroxide
to stave off cramping,

highly concentrated doses
of Adderall for focus,

oxycodone to numb his legs...

and 10 c.c.'s
of good old-fashioned
methamphetamine...

for that extra kick
in the end.

It was most definitively
a recipe for success.

[ Doug ]
Watch out.

Make a hole, people.

Come on.
Make a hole.

Ho, ho, look who it is.

You sure you want
to get tangled up front
with the big dogs, Dougie?

Woof.
Hey, Ed, maybe
you should worry more...

about that clotrimazole cream
clearing up that fungus
inside your asshole...

and less about where I start
the race, huh, boy?

What are you doing, Doug?

Baking a red velvet cake.
What does it look
like I'm doing?

You don't actually think
you can compete in this thing,
do you?

I'm not here to compete.
I'm here to win.

Sure you are.

Let's do this.

[ Starter Gun Fires ]
[ Cheering ]

[ Fonda ]
The race was on and unfolded
the same way it always did--

Kara jumping out
to a substantial lead...

while the pack settled in
behind her.

And Doug pulled up the rear.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Come on, Dad! Go!

But this year Doug was just
biding his time,

laying in the weeds.

And when the time was right,

Doug did what Doug did best--

♪ Keeper of the medicine ♪

and brought down the thunder.

♪ Here,
keeper of the medicine ♪

Not today, Varney!

I told you not to get tangled
up with the big dogs!

- Woof!
- [ All Gasping ]

♪ Don't keep me around ♪

♪ Don't keep me around ♪

♪ Don't keep me around ♪

♪ Don't keep me around ♪

[ Doug ]
On your left!
♪ Don't keep me around ♪

♪ Don't keep me around ♪

[ Cheering ]

You got lucky, baby.

♪ Keeper of the medicine ♪

Whoo! Yeah!

Doug Varney
was not used to winning.
Yes!

But he was beginning to enjoy
how it felt.

[ Grunting ]

Uh!

Hi.
Hey.

You all finished
in there?
Yeah.

Yeah?
Did you get it all done?

Yep.
Clean it up?

[ Exhales ]

You like?
See something you like?

No? Whatever.

Yeah, Doug.

I was impressed
with you today.
Yeah?

I didn't, uh--

[ Exhales ]
I didn't know
you had it in you.

You'd be surprised
what I'm capable of.

[ Doug Grunts ]
Ooh! God.

Mr. Tough Guy, huh?

Now that he wins a race.

[ Grunts ]
What are you doing?
Doug--

Sometimes you gotta know
when to shut up
and just give it to a girl.

It's called being a man.

Oh! Doug.

Oh, shit! Oh! Oh, God!

Oh! Oh! Harder!

Oh! Oh! Oh, God!

Oh, my-- Oh!
Oh... my... God!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh.

Oh, I'm gonna come.
I'm gonna come.
I'm gonna come.

[ Moaning Continues ]
♪ Back in the New York
groove ♪

♪ I'm back,
back in the New York groove ♪

♪ I'm back ♪

[ Moans ]

That was incredible.

I know. I'm gonna go make
pizza bagels.

[ Moans, Sighs ]

Victory tasted sweet.

[ Spandex Snaps ]

[ Clears Throat ]
The hangover from his recent
drug binge did not.

[ Door Closes ]

[ Carp ]
That is some trophy.
Mm!

She is a beaut.

I won one like that once
at a high school track meet.

What was the event?
Oh, yeah-- steeplechase.

Difficult event.
Heck, yeah.
Yeah, it is.

[ Laughs ]
Oh, yeah.
But you know what?

There's something about people
chasing you that...

brings out your best,
you know what I'm saying?

[ Chuckles ]

Anyway, it's the darndest
thing, Mr. Varney.

I-I was checking the data
from the inventory...

against our prescription
database again today,
and it just didn't add up.

Hmm.
Not at all.

Shit, that's--
that's odd.

Isn't it, though?
That's what I thought.

Hmm.

I didn't realize you were
a compounding pharmacy,
Mr. Varney.

Oh, this. I'm--
We're not really--

I had this one customer,
an older gentleman.

He's all fucked up--
Parkinson's.
Oh.

He has trouble swallowing,
so I have to make up a paste
for transdermal application.

And what customer would
this be?

You know I can't
tell you that, Agent Carp.

I know. I'm sorry.
I didn't notice that
when I was here before.

Anyway, I'm sure
this is all just a glitch,

but if I could just see
your prescription ledgers
for the past, say, 12 months,

and then I'll--
I'll get out of here
just as quick as I can.

Sure thing. The only problem
is I have 'em at my--
at-at my home office.

Your home office?

You're aware that federal code
101(b)12 of the narcotics
distribution act...

states that all ledgers be
kept at the licensed facility.

And 99.9%
of the time they are.
Mm-hmm.

It's just that
after your last visit,

I was so concerned
with getting things right...

that I took
my ledgers home...

to double check
against my own records,

which I keep on my
personal computer at home.

[ Laughing ]
Right.

So--

I mean, look, I spilled
a bottle of amoxicillin
the other day.

I got most of 'em,
but I might have missed a few.

May have even stepped on one.

I didn't say anything because,
well, like you said, everyone
does that now and then.

Everyone but Walter Bishop.

Um, okay.
I'll tell you what.

If you want to hang out
for a bit, I can run home
and get 'em right now.

That won't be necessary, Doug.

I'll be back this way
in a couple days.

How about you just have 'em
here for me then?

And hey, thanks again,
Agent Carp,
for letting me off the hook.

Well, this investigation's
still pending, Doug.

I haven't let anyone
off the hook.

Yet.

- [ Door Opens, Bells Jingle ]
- Fuck.

[ Door Closes ]

[ Knocking ]

Okay, I'm in.

What do you mean, "in"? Mm!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait. Hold on. Mm.

You're in for what?

For the plan.
You know.

What plan?
Jack. You know. Let's do it.

Oh.
Let's start over.

Oh.
Let's do it, baby.

Doug, we were--
That was a joke.
Come on. We were joking.

I know!
I know we were,
but I mean--

I've been thinking,
you know, a lot.

I've been thinking a-a lot.

What is this, chardonnay?
About everything, and I mean--

My wife fucking hates me.

- This Carp guy's
all over me.
- Here.

A sedative?
Here you go.

Thanks.

And I guess
what I'm saying is that,

you know, you're right!

I'm the pharmacist,
and he's the guy
with the bad heart.

You know what I mean?

Okay. Let's do it.

Tomorrow.

Wow.

[ Inhales, Exhales ]

Okay. Wow, that's soon.

- That-That soon?
- Well, I don't want to waste
any more time being unhappy.

Do you?
Okay.

[ Elizabeth ]
I usually head out to our
beach house Friday morning...

to beat the weekend rush,
so it won't be a surprise
that I'm gone.

As you know, Jack takes
a lot of medication
for his heart--

A.C.E. inhibitors,
beta blockers, A.R.B.'s.

[ Doug ]
Yes, that's a powerful mix.

I usually recommend valsartan,
but that's--

[ Elizabeth ]
Not really important right
now, is it?

Because of the various drugs,
Jack gets a 300 milligram dose
of eprosartan.

But if he were to get, say,
400 milligrams,

after dinner trough
of scotch--

Well, then when they call me
at the beach the next day,
it's, "Oh, my God, Officer!

I'll be there as soon
as I can!"

I'm his sole beneficiary,
so I sign some papers,
collect it all...

and tell them to wire
the funds wherever we end up.

Oh, so that's--
that's it, huh?

Just like that?
Just like that.

You get to tell
that cunt on wheels
where to stick it,

and we can spend
the rest of our lives
buying whatever looks good...

and giving each other
mind-blowing orgasms.

Oh, my God!
This is exciting!
[ Laughs ]

Wait, wait.
There's just something...

really, really important.

You can't call me.

What?

No contact whatsoever.
Nothing that could leave
a trace, okay?

Well, how long?
That's-- How long?

At least until it all
blows over.
Maybe a little longer.

Baby.

Here. You relax and let me
give you a little something
to remember me by.

You don't have to do that.
Okay.

[ Janet ]
Fax orders came in.

[ Fonda ]
Doug filled Jack's order
like he always did,

but with one slight
and deadly change.

[ Noah, Indistinct ]
Noah. Noah.

Oh!

[ Both Laughing ]

I'm sorry. Here.
Here, here, here, here!

This is a-- Oh, is it
an "M" or a "W"?

- I don't know. I'm--
- Hey.

Hey.
Hey.

Jesus Christ,
what the fuck are you on?

Are we being bros?
Are we being
straight bros?

If we're being bros,
last night
I went out real hard.

I got on a Segway,
and I just went to every place
that served alcohol.

Are you okay
to drive, at least?

I drove here,
didn't I?

It's imperative
that all these deliveries
make it out today.

All of them.
People have been complaining
about you, Noah,

and we need to show our
customers that we can still be
counted on.

Like that big clock
in the square--
to always be right, accurate.

Mm-hmm.
Trustworthy.

That clock?
Clock is broken, Doug.

Just make the deliveries,
okay, Noah?

You can count on me.

No, I can't, which is why
we're having this
conversation.

Okay! I'm going!
Jesus Christ!

What the fuck
is wrong with you?

[ Doug ]
Can you smoke in here?

No.

Sorry.

Can I get some more water?

I-I like to hydrate
when I'm getting trashed.

Hi.
[ Doug ]
Hey!

It's mailman Morello!

Hey, Arnie!
You ever get back
to Atlantic City?

Yes? No?

I speak-a the English?

- Let's go.
- Where you going?

[ Men Laughing ]

They didn't realize
I'm the man
behind the curtain.

The wizard.
I pull the strings.

Hey, Lloyd.
Is anybody sitting here?

- Be my guest.
- Hey, Lloyd, I called in
for a to-go order.

- [ Lloyd ] Mm-hmm.
- Let me have
a Black Label neat too.

Thanks. Okay.
How about you?

Another, um, vodka martini,
my good man. On the rocks.

Good.
Extra olives.

I know.
He knows.

- That's the exact same
drink my wife orders.
- It is?

Yeah. I mean, then again,
martinis are pretty popular,
huh?

I guess.

Do I know you?

Jack Roberts.
I-I-I just moved in
a few months back.

I live over on Donnybrook.

I'm Doug Varney.
Yeah. Good to meet you.

Yeah.
That big place
on the cul-de-sac, right?

Yeah. Well, it's too big if
you ask me, but that's what
my wife wanted.

You live in town?

Over 10 years now.
I-I own the pharmacy
in the square actually.

Oh, really?
Well, then you definitely
know my wife.

Why would you say that?

She eats enough pills, she can
keep Pfizer in business
by herself.

I'm sure you know her.

Well, we get--
We get a lot of customers.

Maybe thinking
of somebody--

Thanks, Lloyd.
Sure.

Cheers.
Cheers.

- Are you married?
- Why? You trying
to pick me up?

[ Laughing ]

No. No, marriage is
some hard goddamn work.

Yeah, they don't tell you that
when you're registering
at Crate & Barrel, huh?

No, they do not.
I've been married three times.

I still have no clue
what I'm doing.

Like-- I've always been
the type of guy...

that keeps a steady stream
of gifts rolling in
just to avoid conflict.

You know?
I-I-I make a nice living.

I'm-I'm lucky,
so why not spread it around?

Women are tough,
but there's nothing
like seeing their face--

Just lights up when you bring
home some flowers or something
sparkling.

I like that.
It makes me feel good.

You know?

Uh, wifey's away,
so I'm cooking tonight.

I know what tha--
what that's like.

Lloyd, let me take care
of his drinks too, okay?

You shouldn't do that.
That's very nice of you.

It's the least I could do
for a new neighbor.

Besides, I heard what those
vandals did to your pharmacy.

That's disgusting.

Horrible.
I'm sorry about that.

All right.

Have a good night.
Bye, Lloyd.

Bye-bye.
Bye, Eve.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, barkeep.

- Think you've had
enough, pal.

- I just want a pen
and some paper.

No more drinking. Just give me
a pen and some paper.
Thank you.

[ Thinking ]
"Dear Kara,
I think we both know...

that it's time
for things to change.

I know I'm not the man
your father thought
you deserved.

You know what? I don't--
Your father's a fuckin'
asshole.

This will be hard on Ethan,
and that breaks my heart,

but in the long run,
it's better to be raised
by two happy parents apart...

than miserable ones together.

But if he starts in
with that shitting stuff again
at school, you let me know.

There's a whole world out
there, Kara, and it's time
for me to experience it.

You should check it out
yourself, and not just
from the seat of a bicycle.

We've both made mistakes.
Shh.

I wish I could have been
a stronger man for you.
I really do.

But, damn, do I wish
you had been a better woman.

Take care of yourself.
Doug."

[ Gasping ]

[ Breathes Heavily ]

[ Coughing ]

[ Man On TV, Indistinct ]

What the hell am I doing?
What am I doing?

Hey. Where are you going?
Hey.

I gotta go to work.
Early bird and all that.

- Wait, Dad. Dad!
- Yeah?

You're coming
into school today, right?

Of course. Right.

Wouldn't miss it
for the world, buddy.
I'll be-- I'll be there.

- Bye.
- [ Door Slams ]

Hello!

[ Knocking ]
Hello? Hello?

Jack! Jack!

Mr. Roberts!

Jack!

Fuck. Fucking killed him.

Help! Help! Somebody!

Hello!

Anybody there?
[ Dogs Growl, Bark ]

Take it easy.

[ Barking, Growling ]

[ Shouts ]
Nice doggie! Nice doggie!

Hey, it's me.
Goddamn it, pick up the phone!
Please!

Elizabeth, where are you?
I think I killed him!

I think I fucking killed him!

Goddamn it! Fuck!

- [ Tires Squealing ]
- Fuck!

[ Breathing Heavily ]

Goddamn it.

Come on! Come on!

Goddamn it!

Goddamn it.

Let's go!

Ah! Oh, shit!
Aw, fuck!

[ Woman ]
Okay, next up is Mr. Varney.
Mr. Varney? Mr. Varney?

[ Gasping ]

[ Child Laughs ]

[ Coughs ]
Good morning.

[ Coughs ]
Everyone.

Good morning, Mr. Varney.

Class, Mr. Varney is gonna
tell us all about being
a pharmacist.

You're bleeding.

Huh?
You're bleeding.

- No, I'm not.
- Ew.

- Douglas Varney--
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- You are under arrest.
- Wait a minute.
What are you talking about?

[ All Exclaiming ]

Hey, take it easy.
Hey, whoa.

Whoa, whoa. Jesus.

- Not in front of my kid.
- You have the right
to remain silent.

Anything you say can
and will be used against you
in a court of law.

Do you understand these
rights?

[ Breathing Heavily,
Heart Pounding ]

You have an appointment?

Do you know who I am?
Do you know who I am?

Let's give a big round
of applause for Christopher's
father, Office Willits!

[ Applauding ]
Great stuff, man!

All right! All right!
All right.

Now being a police officer is
about more than kicking ass,
car chases and guns.

[ Boys ]
Yeah!

All right.

It's about protecting
and serving your community.

It's about making sure
that Woodbury...

is a safe place
for you all
to work and play.

- [ Man On Radio,
Indistinct ]
- It--

Oh. Excuse me
one second, please.

Joke's on me.

One more time, please,
with that.

[ Door Closes ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

I'm gonna have to ask you
to come with me.

[ Children Murmuring ]
Why? All right.

[ Ethan ]
What's with you?

We're gonna take a walk.

[ Chattering ]

[ Janet ]
I didn't know what to say.

I was by myself.

- I'm sorry.
- Mr. Varney.

Can we lose
the cuffs, please?

Give us a minute,
all right?

Now listen, none of this
should come as
a surprise to you,

given the inconsistent state
of affairs around here, okay?

With a paper trail
as long as this one,
this was bound to happen.

This is usually
how these things work out.
[ Crying ]

I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, no, no.
Don't-Don't apologize.

I didn't mean
to hurt anybody.

No-No-No apology necessary.

I'm so sorry.
It's okay, Doug.

I didn't mean to do anything.

It's all right.
It's all over now.

It's okay.

What-What-What are--
What are they doing here?

Well, Doug,
they're here
to take away the body.

What do you mean, body?
What do you mean?

Well, you know--
How the fuck?

He probably pa--
How the fuck did he get here
from his house?

Doug, listen.
He panicked, okay?

Being as how there weren't
any doctors' offices nearby,

he did the next best thing
he could--
He came here, okay?

So this is where
he-he-he expired.

Are you okay, Doug?
Are you okay?

Hey, Mr. Varney,
you cannot go back there.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Mr. Varney,
no, no, no, no, no.

What the fuck?

- What the fuck?
- Now listen, he was
no angel, okay?

Poor kid. He really got in
over his head with this one.

With what?

Well, with-with pilfering.
You know?

- [ Rattling ]
- Pill skimming.

You know?
A couple here, two more there,
a couple, three more there.

That sort of thing
adds up in a hurry,
sometimes too quick.

but there's a real cottage
industry out here in the burbs
for this kind of thing.

Noah was a-a resourceful
criminal, but he forgot the
first rule of the drug game.

Don't get high
on your own supply.

It's a shame.
Good looking kid.

Great head of hair.

So that's--
So that's it then?

I have some paperwork
for you to sign,
but then, uh, we're done.

Listen, Mr. Varney--

Doug-- I-I know
that this is rough, okay?

Quite a shock, but there's
nothing that you could have
done to stop it, okay?

Hey, from the looks of things,
you ought to prescribe
yourself a little something.

Hey, that is not
appropriate, Officer.

Local cops, right?

He's right though,
Mr. Varney.
Go ahead.

It'll be our little secret.

You take care now.

Agent Carp. Agent Carp--

I'll be right back,
Doug.
[ Bell Dings ]

I need to--
I need to talk to you.

[ Bell Ringing ]
I need to--

Hello! Anybody here?
I need some aspirin!

Hey!
My drinking buddy!

You're not supposed
to be here.
[ Officer ] He's right.

I'm gonna have
to ask you to clear out.
It's all right. He--

You--

You, uh--

Last night, after we had
the drinks at the bar,

I took the--
I took the party home
by myself,

and-and I drank
a half a bottle
of Black Label.

I passed out cold
right there on the chair.

Uh, my head's killing me.
Do you have--

Huh?
Oh! Yeah.

Oh, thanks.
Okay.

Uh, I-I should probably--
should pick up
a-a prescription--

My prescriptions,
because the delivery guy
never made it up to the house.

All-- A lot of orders
got screwed up.

I'll fill it out
and have someone run it
over to you later.

What do I owe you?
Call it even.

For the drinks.

All right.
Good seeing you, Doug.
Thanks.

Hey, is everything else okay?

What do you mean?

Well, you know,
with your wife.

What you were telling me
at the bar.

Oh.

I don't know.

- She left me.
- She left?
And she's not coming back?

I don't know.
She even turned off
her cell phone.

I think this time
she really means it.

All right, Doug.
Thanks.

[ Carp ]
Doug?
You wanted to talk to me?

Yeah. I just wanted to say
thanks for all your help.

Sure thing.
You're good.

Thanks.

You're good too.

[ Clears Throat ]

We all do our part
to keep the world turning.

You take care of yourself now,
Doug.

[ Sighs ]

Hell of a day, huh, Varney?

[ Chuckling ]

[ Bells Jingling ]

[ Line Ringing ]

[ Cell Phone Rings ]

Fuck.

[ Ringing Continues ]

[ Beeps ]

- Hello?
- Hey, baby.

Elizabeth, where the f--
You didn't answer your calls.

Yeah. That was the plan,
remember? No calls.

Yeah, well,
the plan has changed.

Jack isn't dead.

He--
Jack isn't dead.

- What?
- There was a screw-up with
the deliveries, and Noah--

It's complicated.
I can't get into it.

Elizabeth?

[ Sighs ]

Bonnie and Clyde, we are not.

[ Crying ]

It's not too late though,
right?

I mean,

we could still go away.

We could just--
We could go away.

I-I have a kid, Elizabeth.
I can't leave.

[ Footsteps Approaching ]

[ Doug Sighs ]

God.
[ Sighs ]

I was worried sick.

Yeah, I'm fine.

I meant this.

Oh.

You were right.

I guess I've just been
a little bit caught up in,

you know, Ethan's drama
and the studio.

[ Sighs ]
But you're home now. Hmm?

So that's what's important.

Kara, that letter wasn't me
asking you to change.

It was me telling you
that I'm leaving.

[ Both ]
Hi-yah!

Hai!

Whoo! Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about!
Yes!

You made it.
All right.
Congratulations.

♪ All I have now ♪

♪ Take to the harbor
like sails to set ♪

♪ Sleep for the evening
in failed regret ♪

♪ Hold on to skylines
pale and cold ♪

♪ Clouds on horizons
and love to grow old ♪

♪ On the way ♪

♪ I will go where the days ♪

- ♪ Love to breathe ♪
- [ Laughing ]

♪ Are not gone ♪

♪ Are still long ♪

♪ I am traveling on ♪

Morning, Doug.

I brought you some coffee
just the way you like it.

Oh, no, thanks, Walt.
I-I'm off caffeine.

I appreciate it though.

Oh.

[ Sighs ]

You know, it's funny.
I don't hate it nearly as much
as I thought I would.

That's funny.
I don't really give a shit.

[ Fonda ]
Like I said, things don't
change much in Woodbury,

but every now and then,
we need to be reminded
that change can be good.

The pharmacy had
a whole new look,

and I wanted to see it
for myself.

Ma'am, are you finding
everything all right?

Yes. Yes, I-I-- I am.

And may I say
this pharmacy...

has the most impressive
collection of douches
I have ever seen.

Well, thank you.

Have a pussy
inviting someone over.

I mean, your pussy
is one of a kind--

[ Doug ]
High blood pressure,
acid reflux,

chlamydia.

Never would've
guessed.
No one ever does.

- [ Elizabeth ]
Excuse me.
- Oh, hey.

I thought you were
out of town.

I had to come back
to sign some papers.

You know, make it final.

And I had a few things
I absolutely needed
to pick up from the pharmacy.

Just to complete
the collection...

for the kingdom.

So, uh,

are you in town long or--

No. I leave tonight
for Madrid. And then Paris.

And then I don't really know.
I'm not sure. I don't care.

As long as I don't understand
the menu, you know?

Well, hey, that sounds great.

Sounds like you'll have
a great--

[ Fonda ]
You can't help everyone,
but everyone can help someone.

Take care
of yourself, Doug.

And sometimes
that someone is yourself.

You too.

Doug Varney wasn't used
to winning,

but he was beginning
to enjoy how it felt.

[ Janet ]
Consult!

♪ [ Guitar ]

♪ I will pick your clothes up
in the morning ♪

♪ I will put the coffee
by the bed ♪

♪ Baby, don't you want me
to bring you those drugs? ♪

♪ To every pull
there is a push up ♪

♪ To get you right back
where you started from ♪

♪ I was only wantin'
to show you my love ♪

♪ I will never,
I will never falter ♪

♪ I will never,
I will never fear ♪

♪ For I've seen the demons
love can conquer disappear ♪

♪ [ Ends ]

♪ [ Piano ]

♪ Do you know, do you know,
do you know how I feel? ♪

♪ Do you know, do you know,
do you know love is real? ♪

♪ Do you know,
do you know ♪

♪ That I love... you? ♪

♪ Can't you see,
can't you see ♪

♪ I'm for real? ♪

♪ [ Ends ]