All language subtitles for Ally McBeal - 01x10 - Boy to the World-eng

I love Christmas. Things that bug me
during the year don 't bug me now.

People smiling. Me smiling.

The star's the best part.

Dad said, "As you reach
to put the star up...

... you're really reaching
for your own star in life. "

[ALLY CRIES]

Maybe she won 't notice.

It's come to this.
You're humping the tree.

Damn it, Renee. Just help me down.
Just help me down.

Wait, wait.

- Come on.
- Okay. Oh.

You put this tree up too early.
It's gonna dry out.

I like to enjoy Christmas for a month.

And if you wait too long,
no good trees.

It's the Ioneliest time of the year.

I've booked myself solid.

I've got Dip-Chin tomorrow night.

I'm already getting the "ick" on him.

- Already?
- Yeah. He's too white-bread.

- I've got an idea. Come with me.
- On your date?

I'll rub your feet after.

- You, me and Thousand-Island-Face?
- It'll help if I get the "ick."

You can help take the pressure off.

Bring that little Biscuit along,
and I'll go.

- John Cage?
- He's cute.

You and John Cage?

Well, you never know.
A little Yuletide catnip might be fun.

- Oh, Renee. He's a little weird.
- You forget I like weird.

How has it come to this?

- We're smart. We're fairly attractive.
- I'm even hot.

Yes. You're even hot.
So why aren't we with hot men?

[DOORBELL RINGS]
Here they are!

GROUP SINGS:
Christmas tears

Will decorate my tree
There'll be no shiny tinsel

Excuse us one second.

- Is this a setup?
- I was about to ask the same thing.

Icicles

Within my heart will form

'Cause your arms aren 't around me

To make my Christmas warm

Are we in for a whole month
of this holiday crap?

VONDA SINGS:
I've been down this road

Boy to the World

Walking the line
That's painted by pride

And I have made mistakes in my life

That I just can 't hide

Oh, I believe I am ready

For what love has to bring

I got myself together

Now I'm ready to sing

I've been searching my soul tonight

I know there's so much more to life

Now I know I can shine a light

To find my way back home

Oh, baby, yeah

Oh, yeah

Last up, client Christmas parties.
We've been invited to several.

We're going to split them up.

We cherish our clients.

It wouldn't be the holidays
without them. Be sincere.

- My uncle Kevin Hanson died yesterday.
- I'm sorry, Richard.

No biggie. He'd been ill.
It was a blessing. Bygones.

We're having difficulty
regarding the service.

- What difficulty?
- He was a bit of an eccentric...

Excuse me. I'd first like to give
pause to absorb his passing.

May we all take a moment?

[RICHARD SIGHS]

Many things marked his life.
One was his distaste for short people.

The minister won't memorialize
that part of him.

- My aunt and I feel it should be.
- He didn't like short people?

At six, he was bitten by one.
It resonated.

Eh...

- What?
- I'm troubled.

Just another moment.

[RICHARD SIGHS]

- What's the matter?
- Richard's uncle died.

He didn't like short people.
John's troubled.

Billy, can you meet with the minister?
Talk to him. I tried.

- It'd be important to my uncle.
- I'll talk to him but...

Thanks. Adjourned, done, let's go.

Oh, Ms. McBeal?
Will you step up here, please?

Oh, God. Now what have I done?

Sometimes you can obligate
yourself by just being here.

I'm out of public defenders
for my last defendant.

- The Commonwealth thanks you.
- Your Honor, I'm afraid of criminals.

Suck it up.
Stephanie Grant, solicitation.

I'm granting personal. Check with
probation to set up a conference.

Thank you.

Case number 52714.
Breech vs. Fitzsimmons.

Child custody modification case.

Our client moves for a continuance...

They're gonna take you
back to lockup for a bit...

...while I meet with probation.

- Don't talk to anybody there, okay?
- Okay.

Daniel Corbett's the D.A.
It's his third offense.

- He's gonna ask that he do some time.
- He? He who?

She's a boy.

Stephanie is Steven.

Oh.

I don't typically edit eulogies.

But I can't let you
unload on small people.

- I won't unload.
- I knew your uncle.

Mr. Hanson's life was eccentric.
We should be able to talk about that.

There must be limits.
I won't allow this church to...

My uncle helped build
half this church.

Be reasonable. I have many
short-statured congregants.

- Remember when my uncle came here?
- Yes.

Switched from Lutheran to Baptist,
just to come to this church.

- Why?
- He didn't like the other minister.

- What did he object to?
- He was tiny.

As a result, your church
received a lot of money.

I know. Believe me,
my board knows the money at stake.

They about ordered me to wear lifts.
But I won't allow you to get up...

...and talk about your uncle hating
little people. It's bigotry.

We have two ways to go,
both with negative sides.

- So you'll have to think about it.
- Okay.

Pleading is your best chance
at a reduced sentence.

But it still would mean jail time.

Prison?

I could ask for county, but
with your two previous convictions...

...we are looking at some time.

Well, what's the other way to go?

Well, we could plead not guilty...

...and try to win
on the elements and...

The problem there is that you
solicited an undercover cop.

And with the two priors,
I really don't think we could win.

If we lost once we were in trial...

...we'd be looking at more jail time
than we would on a plea.

- Lose the file?
- I don't ask for much. Why can't...?

You want me to steal
the file, lose it...

- lf you could've seen his face.
- I have. He's gorgeous.

- I'm not gonna lose the file.
- Just this once?

- I'll tell another joke.
- It won't be as funny.

- Renee?
- Ally?

- Renee?
- Ally?

This boy needs help. He's...

He is the most fragile person
living in the harshest of worlds.

He's obviously not well. He...

Excuse me, l...

[BURGLAR ALARM RINGS]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Who is it?
- It's Ally.

[APARTMENT RESIDENTS ARGUE]

- Can you wait one second?
- Sure.

- I'm sorry to intrude.
- It's okay.

I have an idea. I've been
doing research for the last hour...

ALLY: And these are beautiful.
- I made them.

You...

- You made this?
- Oh, yeah.

Won't I be a beautiful bride?

- You should do this.
- Lf I could only catch a husband.

If you go to prison,
you'll have time to be a wife!

Oh, my God.

No, I have a way with Freudian slips.

So do I. I'm wearing one.

Well, I think there
might be a way for...

[ALLY CHUCKLES]

...us to avoid jail.

How?

It's a long shot, but I think
we can make it out that...

Well, it's gonna have to be
an insanity defense.

Insanity?

Yeah, it's...

You have to understand
that this is a legal strategy.

I am not here suggesting
that you are insane.

Well, what's the insanity?

Well, there's...

...a fetish.

Transvestite fetishism.

I think that we can categorize it
as a mental disorder.

You mean, like I'm sick?

I don't want to say I'm sick.

I know. But the judge is going
to need something legal or...

The reason I left home
is because everybody called me sick.

That's why I left Ohio.

The goal here has to be avoiding jail.
Isn't that what you want?

And you think they'll let me go?

It's a long shot.
But there's a chance, yes.

Could you at least think it over?
It's all we have.

Sure.

I'm open-minded.

[ALLY LAUGHS]

I'm a judge who appreciates
anything original.

This takes it to a next level.

Mr. Hanson's life was marked by
experiences with short people...

...people and events who affected his
life and influenced who he became.

- A bigot.
- In part, a bigot. It's who he was.

My client needn't give him
the pulpit to celebrate it.

BILLY: Mr. Fish won't endorse
his uncle's bigotry.

- He just wants to offer perspective...
- Look, I'm all for free speech.

But why should I force
the church to be a forum for it?

Because this was his church.

But we tend towards restricting
against bigotry.

Have you noticed the rash
of civil rights laws?

Those laws identify suspect classes.

First it was race, then came religion,
next it was gender.

Now we're at sexual orientation.

There's no special protection for
short people. If there was, so what?

Kevin Hanson was a good man in some
ways, a not-so-good man in others.

BILLY: Why can't his nephew
say that at his funeral?

- What if he hated blacks?
BILLY: What if?

This political-correctness thing
is out of control.

First we say you can't act
with prejudice. That's fine.

BILLY: Then we say you can't have
prejudices.

Now we're saying you can't even talk
about another's prejudices.

This isn't civil rights, Your Honor.
It's censorship.

Ally.

[ALLY STUTTERS]

- Is there no respect for privacy?
- You've been here for 20 minutes.

I suspected it was about solitude,
not use of the facility.

- Is everything okay?
- Well, I don't know.

Not to dig into your past
with call girls...

...but did you ever defend
a sex offender?

Uh, uh...

[JOHN SCATS]

I'll pretend I didn't hear you.

My prostitute client,
she's really a he.

I'm thinking of raising gender
identity as a form of insanity.

His arrests go to sexual conduct,
not to wardrobe.

But I found this fetishism thing.

Part of it is the compulsion
to attract men.

This kid doesn't know
what or who he is.

He's alone in a new city.

And he's out on the streets
at night to make his rent.

Get him to a psychologist.
If you walk into court...

...with any diagnosis of mental
dysfunction, you got a chance.

Okay.

- Ten pages, black letter...
- I'm not filing a legal brief.

- We've carried this far enough.
- I'm senior partner here.

- We made the argument, the judge...
- May rule in our favor if we support...

- I thought you loved your uncle.
- What?

This isn't a tribute,
you saying he hated short people.

- I think you want to trash him.
- Don't tell me what l...

You shut up!

This is what he wanted, Billy.

And don't ever accuse...

...him of not wanting it.

You'll die this way.

- So how did you know I'd be here?
- You weren't at your apartment...

...and the combat zone isn't so big.
- I still need to eat.

We gotta see a psychologist and get a
medical opinion before going to court.

- I got a doctor coming to the house.
- Why are you doing this?

The last two lawyers
spent 10 minutes on me.

Honest?

I want that wedding dress.

- What about you and the doughboy?
- Me and John Cage?

When you think about it, you both
circle the Earth in similar orbits.

- Oh, hey, Steph, are you done?
- I guess.

- You want to talk for a second?
- Sure.

I'll be right back.

The good news is you got
something to take to court.

The bad news is he's
a pretty messed up kid.

- Tell me.
- I can support the fetishism.

And I think he may also suffer
from gender dysphoria.

I'd need more time with him
to state anything conclusive.

What's gender dysphoria?

Psychologically and emotionally,
he's more like a woman...

...although he doesn't say that.

The one sure diagnosis I can give you
is that he is hugely confused.

- Will you go into court with me?
- Of course.

I can't say that there's
any legal insanity.

He knows what he was doing
on the streets.

With you, it's cheeks and eyes.
Bring out those eyes, girl.

You don't have to touch your lips.

Look at these bones.

- How did you learn so much about this?
- Oh, please.

People wear clean underwear
in case they're hit by a car.

They don't want to be seen as dirty.

With me, all I cared about
was my face.

I used to pray, "If I get hit by a
bus, don't let it be without makeup."

I gotta go to my grave pretty.

Let me see your teeth.

Coffee drinker. I can bleach them.

Too much green.

Christmas is green, Elaine.

I'd think it'd be your favorite color.

Meaning what? As in envy?

Our office is dominated by blue,
and it goes poorly with green.

Good morning. I love your tie.

- Well, how would you rule?
- It's a fuzzy line.

You say acknowledging a prejudice
isn't the same as endorsing it.

I'm not so sure.

You'd be acknowledging it
in a forum celebrating his life.

- That rings of endorsement.
- He ate caterpillars.

He dyed his ear hair.
He disliked short people.

He was a kook! It should be said.
He wanted it said.

Why are you obsessing
on this funeral thing?

- Is it easier than grieving for him?
- I beg your pardon?

You were closer to him than your dad.

- Well, what's the point?
- The point?

- There is none.
- He was ill for so long.

It's a blessing that he finally died.

Yeah.

- I've changed my mind.
- You're not...

You can't tell me what to do.
I won't say I'm a freak!

- The objective is for you to walk out.
- I'm not sick.

This doesn't make me sick!
This doesn't make me a freak!

You asked me last night
why I was doing this.

I'm doing this because when
I look at you, I see a great kid.

But I see a kid who needs help.

Look at me.

Look at me.

You need to let people help you.

Start with me.

Trust me, Stephanie,
and I will keep you out of jail.

But you have to trust me.

ALLY: Transvestite fetishism.
He has the symptoms.

Intense sexual urges
involving cross-dressing.

It started early.
Read Dr. Harper's report.

That doesn't make legal insanity.

We can mitigate the intent.
We don't want a trial.

- What are you looking for?
- Time suspended.

We'll plead so long
as he doesn't go to jail.

Miss Grant, will you
excuse us for a second?

Is this in his best interest?
He'll go back to the streets.

- Jail may be safer.
- We know what happens in jail.

We know what happens if he gets free.
This is his third time.

He doesn't want to turn tricks.

He needs a job.
He needs a fresh start.

- Who's gonna hire him?
- Well, me.

- You?
- Yeah, me. My firm.

I know. But this kid needs a break.

DR. HARPER: One of my fears...

This is not somebody
who's joined another world.

Nobody's welcomed him in.
He's just looking to survive.

He's not part of
any society at the moment.

- He needs counseling and...
- Let's give him a chance and see.

I just... Jail cannot be the answer.

I'll continue this for a year.
No finding.

Conditioned on him being employed,
starting today.

Thank you.

Thank you.

[ALLY & STEPHANIE CHEER]

JUDGE WALWORTH: I thought about this
a long time.

I never got a basketball scholarship,
so I'm salty assisting anybody...

...taking a smack
at the vertically challenged.

JUDGE WALWORTH: We call short people
vertically challenged.

That's politically correct, isn't it?

Part of living in a free country...

...people should be free.

Though laws should exist
to prevent discrimination...

...and prevent people
from acting on prejudice...

...nevertheless, people are
entitled to their bigotries.

And if somebody is stupid
or believes stupid things...

...it must be permissible at that
person's funeral for someone to say:

"He believed these stupid things."

This totem-pole
political-correctness thing...

...that's stupid.

And at my funeral,
you can say that I said that.

Go ahead, Mr. Fish. Get up at that
podium and take your uncle's shot.

I won't shrink from it.

Adjourned.

VONDA SINGS: Oh, yeah

Jingle bell, jingle bell,
jingle bell rock

Jingle bell chime and
jingle bell time

Dancing and prancing
in jingle bell square

In the frosty air

What a bright time
It's the right time

To rock the night away

Must be thrilling to win
on an issue so far-reaching.

- Goose bumps. How are you?
- Fine. Who's the guy?

- What guy?
- With Ally. Who is he?

Her client. She's a guy?

- With those legs?
- Guy.

- How can you...?
- I know every neck at a glance.

- That beautiful girl...?
- She's coming.

Hey, guys. This is Stephanie Grant.
This is Georgia, Richard and Billy.

- Have a seat.
- Hi. Please sit.

Richard...

I need you on the dance floor, please.

- No alcohol. She's underage.
- She's no she, either.

Richard...

- I hired him.
- Excuse me?

I know I had no right,
but employment saved him from jail...

...and he's great.
Word Processing needs help.

We're not hiring.

Defending ourselves, it's been
a lousy fourth quarter.

- Deduct his wages from my salary.
- I won't do that.

- But he can work for us?
- Yeah.

[ALLY LAUGHS]

He wants to be a she as far
as the rest of the personnel goes.

Fine.

VONDA SINGS: Want a plane that
loops-the-loop

I still want a hula hoop

We can hardly stand the wait

This Christmas, don 't be late

ALLY: John?

ALLY: John?

- How long have you been there?
- I'm almost done.

JOHN: Just gathering thoughts.

Okay.

Umm...

- Do you find me short?
- What?

Umm... No.

Because I'm troubled
by Richard's motion.

Oh...

Well, that went to people
who are like 5'2"or 5'3".

You're not tall,
but I wouldn't consider you short.

Mm-hmm.

Umm...

Because there is
an unconscious discrimination...

...you know, against smaller people.

Many women...

Most women wouldn't consider dating
a man who isn't taller than...

But a lot of women would.

Would you?

I mean, consider me?

Well...

I probably wouldn't consider
dating you because you're my boss.

But otherwise...

...yeah, I would consider it.

I'm sure I would. Otherwise.

"Would" is a subjunctive word,
contrary to fact.

- Sorry?
- Nothing.

Well...

I'm almost done.

If you could excuse me.

Of course.

If you need anything... Though,
you already have what women want.

- I beg your pardon?
- That was a pun.

I'm sort of a
wordsmith-slash-office administrator.

Anyway...

All of your office needs,
I'll take care of them.

For insurance purposes,
I had to list you as male.

It's not a slight. I just don't
want them denying coverage.

- Well, you officially start tomorrow.
- Thank you.

- How much do you want for it?
- It's a gift for somebody.

Oh.

I'd just like to
thank you all for coming.

My uncle said he knew
his memorial would be filled.

If for no other reason, people
would want to make sure he's dead.

In addition to being like
a father figure to me...

...he was a very special man.

Impulsive. Hated diplomacy.

And for his funeral,
it was important to him...

...that people just tip their hat
and remember him.

Remember how he was.

He didn't want tears.

But two days before his death...

...he squeezed my hand and said:

"Don't let them cry.

Don't paint me a saint...

...and don't let them cry."
So I won't.

He was good, bad...

...caring, insensitive.

He was loud, charitable.

Liked some people for silly reasons.
Disliked others for sillier reasons.

He said, "Life's a stupid game.
It doesn't matter what you do or have.

If you're loved in the end,
then you win."

He wins.

Short people got no reason

Short people got no reason

Short people got no reason to live

They got little hands and little eyes

They walk around
Telling great big lies

They got little noses
And tiny little teeth

They wear platform shoes
On their nasty little feet

Well, I don 't want no short people

I don 't want no short people

I don 't want no short people
Around here

The only thing you need to know
is the men will stare.

We've had sexual harassments.
Pretty girls are targets.

- I see.
- They mentally undress us constantly.

Their imaginations
will stay clear of your parts.

This place is pretty pig-infested...

...but otherwise, it's a great
place to work. You'll love it.

They got little baby legs
And they stand so low

You've got to pick them up
Just to say hello

They got little cars
That go beep, beep, beep

They got little voices
Going peep, peep, peep

They got grubby little fingers
And dirty little minds

Well, they're gonna get you every time

Well, I don 't want no short people

I don 't want no short people

I don 't want no short people

Around here

Well, I

Don 't want no short people
Don 't want no short people

[SINGER SCATS]

I don 't want no short people
No, no, no, no

Don 't want no short people

Don 't want no short people

Don 't want no short people

Don 't want no short people

Hallelujah!

Don 't want no short people
Don 't want no short people

Yeah, yeah, yeah

- That was original.
- Thanks for coming.

Hi, Steph.

- I made this last night.
- For me?

Very simple.
Wear it with a jacket or alone.

Oh, my God. I love it.
I'm gonna try it on right now.

- It should fit.
- Where did he get those legs?

It gets more interesting around here.

Richard.

"Don't let them cry?"

Don't let yourself cry.
That's what it is.

I'm not sure I follow.

I'm sorry. For your loss.

It's so beautiful and it even fits.

We might want to take it in
at the waist.

I can eat a doughnut.
It'll be perfect. Stephanie.

How can I ever thank you?

How can you thank me?

Ally.

You saved my life.

Ladies.

- Stephanie made this dress for me.
- Oh, that's quite fetching.

Have a good afternoon.

- Welcome, Stephanie.
- Thank you.

- Will you excuse me for a minute?
- Sure.

Uh... John?

Uh...

I was thinking last night...

...and I'm still not sure
about the work thing...

I...

...really would enjoy going out
to dinner with you.

Oh.

Umm...

Well, I know you're not
predisposed to evening outings...

...but I think that
when our orbits cross...

I think we have a lot in common.

- Shall we think about it?
- We shall.

Mistletoe.

Well...

[ALLY LAUGHS]

Yes, indeed.

RENEE: You kissed him?

It was a little peck on the cheek.

There was mistletoe.
It was legitimate.

Can I ask you something?
Have you kissed the rabbi?

Why?

Because I'm the hot one here, and it's
your lips getting all the Chap Stick.

That's because demure is in,
and you scare men.

Scare men?

Yeah. I scare them stiff.
That's what I do.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Excuse me?

Okay.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

Watch your head.

- District Attorney.
- Okay.

I didn't know who to call.
The suspect's in custody.

What happened?

The john went crazy
when he found the jane was a guy.

Cause of death looks
like a head trauma.

We called the parents in Ohio.
They won't come to make an I.D.

Take him to the morgue.
We'll I.D. Him there.

I'm sorry.
She can't be touching the scene.

- They look done.
- But she can't...

Leave her be.

- She can't contaminate the scene.
- I'm pulling rank. Leave her alone!

Why did he have to go back out there?

I mean...

He had a job.

Why?

We can't answer that.

His parents didn't even come.

He wasn't alone at the end.

Ally...

He had you. He didn't die alone.

Is it poss...

Is it possible to love somebody
in only two days?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.