Original subtitles

How do you like that?

Wanted for vagrancy.

What's vagrancy?

Boy, are you stupid.

You take a flower, and it smells real nice,

that's vagrancy.

Ha, ha. We can beat that rap.

You chowderhead.

Vagrancy is when you're a hobo or a tramp.

Uh-oh. We can't beat that one.

There's only one thing left to do.

Yes. We've gotta pull up stakes.

Yes. Get out of town.

Yes. And go to work.

No. Oh, you said a nasty word.

Ooh! Ah! Ah!

Ooh. Now, listen, you nitwits.

There's a lot of rocks in this county,

and the sheriff just loves to have

guys like us make itty-bitty ones

out of great big ones.

We gotta hit the trail.

Where will we go?

We're heading west.

There's a beautiful little town about 40 miles from here

called Peaceful Gulch,

where you can lounge in the lazy sun,

the breeze blows over the open range,

the birds sing, the bees hum.

Bee-bee-bee-bee.

Get up, you guys. What happened?

The bees hit me or something.

Wait a minute, we gotta get going.

Here, we're heading west.

Ah.

That's Red Morgan and his gang.

Last night they robbed the express office.

Did they get the mine payroll?

No, I've got that in my bag, but they'll be after it next.

We've got to find somebody to run these hoodlums out of town.

Well, there must be someone that...

I got it. Look.

We've got to print this picture in the paper and...

And say that they're three famous marshals

coming to clean up the town.

It might work, and give me time

to get rid of the payroll.

That's right. Uh-huh.

Ooh!

"Law officers on the way.

"Famous marshal and deputies

expected soon to clean up the town."

Hey, boss, we'd better call off that bank job.

No, we'll knock that job over before they get here.

I wish you'd get a new face.

You scare people.

Boys, watch your chance to gun 'em down.

But remember, they're killers.

Glad you got here so soon. Welcome, pardners.

Howdy, pard. Nice knowing you, stranger.

Glad to meet you gents.

My name's Cassidy.

Cassidy? Do you suppose?

Uh, what might your front name be?

Aw, shucks. Clarence.

Clarence Cassidy?

Don't sound quite right nohow,

somehow.

Mr. Higgins will be mighty glad

to know you're here.

I'm gonna go tell him right now.

I'm ridin'.

That's ridin'?

Never hurt none.

Hey, what's all this talk about Mr. Higgins?

Oh, he must be batty.

Say, this is a dirty-lookin' place.

Maybe we could promote a job here.

Wait a minute.

They could use some good cleaner-uppers.

Come on.

Who's the boss of this place?

I am. Why?

Well, mister, we aim to do a little cleaning up around here.

Uh, now, wait a minute. Let's... Let's talk this thing over.

Uh, how about a drink first, huh?

Well, we don't mind if we do.

Come on. Set 'em up, boys.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Hello, handsome.

Did somebody come in?

Come on, big boy, let's dance.

Oh, I don't... Oh, sure you do.

Your partner's doing all right.

Bom-be-de-bomp, left and right.

Come back with all your might.

Swing, swing.

Excuse me while I cut in on the light fantastic.

That's dancing.

Uh, have a drink.

It's on the house, pardner.

Thanks, I reckon I'll have a bottle.

Cuttin' in.

Oh, pleasure.

You dance divinely.

Oh, thank you.

Wait a minute, you earthworm.

Oh. Get out of here.

I thought those hombres looked familiar.

Vagrants, huh?

Show this to the boys.

Tell 'em to start shooti" when I do.

Vagrant. Try to fool me, will you?

Stick 'em up.

Get over there, you ornery sidewinder.

Now, I'm gonna let you have it. No, no, wait.

Think of my family. They'll never see me again.

They'll be heartbroken, all of them.

Yes, they will. There's my ma and pa

and grandpa and grandma and all the kids.

I got a little golden-haired sister looks just like you.

She's this high.

And a baby brother this high.

And a great, big brother that's this high.

All right, don't move a muscle, you guys.

I knew there'd be a ruckus,

so I come back to take care of things.

I reckon I'd have wiped 'em out.

I reckon.

Well, let's get 'em along to jail where they belong.

All right, sister, get going, or I'll knock your brains out.

Hey, is that a way to talk to a lady?

All right, sister, get going, or I'll knock your brains out.

That's better. Go on.

All right, come on up out of there.

Come on, get a move on here.

Go on, into the hoosegow.

Go on. Come on.

Come on, or I'll let you have it.

Oh, no, you don't.

In here.

Hey, bud, you got a calendar?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What's the big idea?

Come on, get going here.

Boys, Mr. Higgins wants to see you.

He's moved the money to the old Horton place.

Wants you to guard it.

Right.

A job's a job.

Yeah.

Hi, Al. What kept you?

Higgins stashed the money at the old Horton place.

And they're guarding it.

Well...

there you are.

You won't be bothered here none, I reckon.

Folks don't come around here much.

No, why not?

Oh, some foolishness about an old spook

supposed to hang out around here. Heh, heh.

Spook, eh?

Yep. Old Indian chief.

Years ago, Jeff Horton blew the chief's head off

with a shotgun. Heh.

They say the old boy comes back here looking for his head.

Heh, heh. Well, I'll be seeing you.

Hey, Moe, I don't like this.

Yeah, suppose that old chief comes back looking for his head.

Cut it out. That spook stuff is all a lot of foolishness.

What's the matter, you scared? No, just apprehensive.

Oh.

That's a mighty fancy word. What does that "apprehensive" mean?

It means you're scared with a college education.

Oh, you're pretty smart. Oh, yeah.

What's that? That's a hand.

Good, what's that? That's a fist.

Ooh. What was that?

A punch in the eye. Right.

Now, cut out this nonsense and listen to me.

Larry, you take the couch and get some sleep. Go ahead.

Shemp, we'll take turns standing guard.

Come on, follow me. Get going. All right.

All right.

Oh!

Go on, sit down, and keep your eyes open.

Gosh, I hope nothing happens.

You give me a pain. What could happen?

Come on, answer me that. What could possibly happen?

N-Nothing, I guess.

- Well, then, shut up. - We're as safe as a babe

in its mother's arms, I tell you.

Who is it?

Moe? Shemp? Is that you?

If it ain't, don't answer me.

Mmm.

Aah.

Yikes. Ah!

Hey, Moe, Shemp.

Help, fellas.

He came back. I saw him.

The Indian chief.

The chief? Yeah.

What kind of nonsense is this?

I saw his head. Where it wasn't.

He was gonna go... Oh, fine.

You dreamed it, you birdbrain.

You go on and get some shuteye.

This fraidy-cat will stay here with me.

But, Moe, I'm a fraidy-cat too.

Come on, get going.

Moe, it was awful.

He was 8 feet tall, 9 feet wide.

Oh, shut up. You make me tired.

Why don't you get yourself a book

and read it, improve your mind?

Oh, skip it.

Come on, you're blocking my light.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Follow me.

Wait.

I'm sorry, I need this...

Ah!

Whoa.

Oh!

Ah!

Whoa.

Oh.

Hey, let me go, I'm running away. Ah.

Oh.

Guess I'll be safe in here.

Whew.

Hey, wait a minute. I... Whoa.

Moe! Larry!

Help! Moe! Larry!

Let go of me!

Hey, wait a minute.

Let me go.

Let me go, I tell ya.

Let me go.

Let me go, I tell ya.

Let me go.

Oh, it's only you. I...

Ah, nice work, Pete. Where's the other one?

I don't know. Maybe Shotgun's got him.

That's all right.

These boys will tell us what we want to know.

Won't you, boys?

Why should we?

Because we'll fill you full of lead if you don't.

Now, where's the money? I don't know.

Wait a minute... We don't know.

But, Moe... Shut up.

These tinhorn outlaws haven't got the nerve to shoot.

If they did kill us, they'd all hang.

That would make things even.

Don't sound very even to me.

All right, you guys asked for it.

Now you're gonna get it.

Oh, hello, Shotgun. Did you find the other one?

Ungawa.

Now, you've got five...

Hey, Shotgun, what are you doing?

Not a false move, either one of you.

It's me. It's me, Shemp.

Help him. Oh, Shemp.

Stand where you are, you.

Now I know how a frankfurter feels.

Take it off, will you? I got it.

Good work, Shemp, old boy. Thanks.

I got her covered. You have.

Get an axe, will you?

Well.

See you got 'em.

Good thing for them I wasn't here.

I'd have blasted 'em.

I'd have filled them full of holes.

I'd have...

Eh...

What's the matter, Cassidy?

Ooh.

Blood.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

What's the West coming to?

Moe, what do we do with the girl?

Ah, throw her to the dogs.