Original subtitles

I had a terrific weekend, Daddy.

Me, too, sweetheart.

Kiss Uncle Oscar good-bye.

Nice seeing you, Edna. Bye-bye, Uncle Oscar.

Don't you ever use a glass?

I like that good can taste.

Mmm, mm, mm.

Stop. You'll corrupt my child.

When's dinner? When's dinner?

Soon, soon.

Thanks again, Daddy.

You forgot your purse.

Oh.

And you forgot the most important thing... your present.

Your opera album.

It's not every little girl

who gets the new Beverly Sills opera album,

Arias But Goodies.

It's autographed, so it's very valuable.

You take good care of this.

What are we gonna do next weekend?

Anything you say, Daddy.

Yeah? Y-You want to go to Radio City?

Oh, I did that last Tuesday with Uncle Bill.

Uncle Bill?

You don't have an Uncle Bill.

Well, he's sort of an uncle.

What do you mean, "sort of an uncle"?

No such thing as sort of an uncle.

Either he's married to your aunt, or...

or he's something else.

Well, I wasn't supposed to say anything, but...

he's Mom's boyfriend.

Daddy!

The album!

It's only a record.

Go push the elevator button.

I'm gonna take you home.

Okay.

Hey!

You forget about dinner?

Cook your own dinner, buster!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Hi, Mom!

Oh, hi, darling.

Felix!

Hello, Gloria.

I brought Edna home.

I see that.

Hi, Dad.

Hello, Leonard.

You need a haircut.

All right, children, I want to talk to your mother.

Go to your rooms.

Go to your rooms!

Is something wrong, Felix?

All right.

Where is he?

Who?

Uncle Bill.

Who?

Bill. William.

What do you call him, “Wild Willie”?

Now I understand.

I thought you might.

Where is he hiding? In the closet?!

Under the beds?! He's not here.

That's a hot one. Tell me another.

Felix, please don't make a scene.

What's this?

Booties for Uncle Bill Jr.?

If you must know, we broke up.

Oh, really?

Just a fast fling in the balcony at Radio City

and then onto the next uncle, is that it?

We just broke up, and I really don't think

it's any of your business, Felix.

None of my business?

None of my business?!

You're making a mockery of our entire divorce!

Oh, what am I saying? Felix.

Please. Now, calm down.

I'm sorry, Gloria.

It just drives me insane

to think of you with another man.

It always has, and it always will.

I understand how you feel.

We should be together, Gloria.

Take me back.

Felix, we tried that ten times.

Eleven, including our marriage.

Let's make it an even dozen, huh?

Felix, it's no use.

Why not?

I'll be good this time. I promise.

You always promise and you start out being good,

and then two days later, you're back to criticizing

and Finicky Felix. What finicky?

Well, for instance, when I get up in the morning,

I don't like to see my clothes all laid out.

I mean, I'd like to dress myself.

You're into women's lib now, aren't you?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm not asking anymore, Gloria,

I'm begging.

Take me back.

I can't.

Gloria, if you don't take me back,

I'll do something crazy.

That figures.

Take me back or I'll jump.

It's no use, Felix.

Take me back or I'll jump.

Then jump.

You didn't think I'd go through with it, did you?

Boy.

I don't believe this.

Felix letting you cook your own dinner.

Well, I'm a good cook, Murray.

Help me, will you? Yeah.

Okay.

Okay, watch it.

Here it comes.

Ohh. Smell that aroma?

Not so hard. You'll inhale the crust!

You know, I got this recipe out of The Racing Digest.

Horses love it, too, you know.

Okay, now, first thing we gotta do...

I remember. Potato chips gently crushed.

Gently crushed.

There we go.

Now, gently, see.

And now you put in these sardines, see.

All right, in, everybody.

Jump in. Jump in.

There you go.

Pretty little things.

Sardines... Now, so it'll make it look pretty,

you gotta put a little green around it.

What do you think I've got?

Here. Dill pickles.

Make it look terrific, see.

Right around there like that.

Now, what do you think I put in next?

Peanut butter.

Peanut butter?

No, nutsy.

You put in... where is it?

I had it right... There it is.

We put whipped cream on it.

You know, that's my favorite, Oscar.

Is it?

Hi, Felix.

Hello, Murray.

How are you?

I'm fine.

What's all that mess in there?

You told me I could cook my own dinner.

I'm gonna clean it all up.

Doesn't matter.

Life is too short

to worry about a filthy kitchen.

Cook, eat anything you want.

I'm going to my room.

It doesn't matter?

He must be sick.

It's gotta be Gloria.

She hates me.

She hates me not.

She hates me.

She hates...

What are you doing, buddy?

Waiting for the pigeons to give me room on the ledge.

Filth.

Hey, you shouldn't keep the window open.

The pollution count is so high,

they had to call the baseball game today on account of soot.

Okay...

As man to nut, what is it this time?

You haven't been out on the ledge in two years.

Is it Gloria?

I went over to her house.

I ruined our relationship all over again.

Why do you keep doing that?

I can't help myself.

I drive her crazy.

A marriage counselor kicked me out of his office once.

He wrote on my chart, "Lunatic!"

Oh, I don't blame Gloria.

It's impossible to be married to me.

It takes two to make a rotten marriage.

Look, we all have our faults, you know.

Faults?

We had a maid who came in to clean up three times a week.

And on the other days, Gloria cleaned.

And at night, when they were both finished, I'd go in,

I'd clean the whole place all over again.

I can't help it, I like things clean.

Blame it on my mother.

I was toilet trained at five months.

How can you remember things like that?

At seven months, I was training others.

I loused up the marriage.

Nothing was ever right.

Dumb, stupid idiot!

I belong on the ledge.

Pigeons, get off there!

Oh!

Felix, look, don't you know you can't change?

You can't compromise.

Why don't you accept what you are...

The fussiest man I've ever known.

Gloria called me "Finicky Felix."

Finicky? I like that better than “fussy.”

Help me. Help me, Oscar.

Help me to unfinick myself.

You wouldn't even try. I would.

I'd do anything, No, you wouldn't.

Anything to get Gloria back.

You would try? Anything.

All right, you're very finicky about food, right? Yes.

Come out and share that dinner with me tonight.

I'd rather die.

Finicky Felix, Finicky Felix.

I'll do it, I'll do it. I'll do it!

All right. I'll call you when dinner's ready.

And you're going to love this food.

I'm telling you.

Athletes train on it.

What athletes?

Oh, Whirlaway, Citation, Man O' War.

They're horses.

Mmm.

Smells... powerful.

You're gonna love it, buddy.

You're gonna love it.

Paper plates.

Well, I figure you gotta eat off something, you know.

Uh-huh.

Where is the salad?

Where is the appetizer?

Well, it's all in here.

What do you call that mélange?

Goop.

"Goop"? Yeah.

But I like what you called it better... mélange.

From now on, I'm gonna call it "goop mélange."

That's nice. Goop mélange?

Yeah.

Uh-huh. Well...

Dig in. You're gonna like it, buddy.

Uh-huh.

Little plastic forks.

That's cute.

Mine has a crack.

The dishwasher broke it.

Uh-huh. Now, will you stop stalling?

Will you eat, please? Go ahead. You first.

I'm eating.

What do we wash this down with? Beer.

Here's a beer. No glass?

Uh-uh.

Wouldn't want to miss that good can taste.

Oh, Felix...

Outside of you, I'm the best cook I know.

This is top-notch goop mélange.

Dig in. Dig in. Come on.

Well, up to the teeth, over the gums,

look out stomach, here it comes.

What do you think?

Spies should have this under their tongues

in case of capture.

No wonder. You're right!

What it needs is some ketchup.

There you go.

I forgot about that.

That's what was missing... red.

Do you always complain like this

about everything that Gloria...?

You're right. You're right. You're right.

If I can eat this without complaining,

I can eat anything Gloria puts in front of me. Okay.

Now take a big, juicy mouthful.

Come on.

Attaboy.

Huh?

Now, give it a chance to settle.

It's terrific once you get used to it.

You're gonna love it.

I knew he couldn't take it.

Ready for another bite.

Good boy.

Oscar, what a surprise!

Yeah, well, I want to talk to you, Gloria.

What's that? Oh, this? It's goop mélange.

Goop mélange? What..?

Well, it's evidence is what it is.

For what?

I'm worried about Felix. He's sick.

If Felix were sick,

he would've called me 25 times today.

You're talking about the old Felix.

Oh, there's a new Felix?

See, I made this last night.

Boy, it went bad fast.

That's the way it's supposed to smell.

Everybody has the same reaction.

Halfway down here they kicked me off the bus.

Then I grabbed a cab.

The driver made me put this in the trunk.

It's supposed to smell that way.

The only thing bad with this

is it has everything in it that Felix hates,

but, yet, Gloria, he ate this last night.

Why?

Because he wants to get over being finicky... for you.

You know what else he did?

He slept in my room last night.

I don't believe it.

Well, you should.

And I'm worried about him.

He's got a terrible cold.

Dr. Melnitz said that in 25 years of practice,

it's the worst clogged head he's ever seen.

And Felix is making those sounds that's driving me...

I know those...

I know those sounds.

Yeah, and he swore he's gonna sleep in my room every night

until he's convinced you that he's changed.

Oscar, Felix will never change.

He didn't call you today even though he was sick, did he?

See, he's trying and...

well, Gloria, what I think is

you gotta try a little more, too.

I mean, I think you've got to be patient with him.

I know I'm impatient with him, but everybody is.

I mean, you're impatient with him, too.

Yeah, but I'm not in love with him.

Are you?

That's what you've got to decide.

Why don't you at least just go over and talk to him.

I'll take care of the kids here.

Okay, I'll go talk to him.

Smells great to me.

"Please don't turn off the heat lamp.

It keeps the rolls fresh."

Mmm... mm!

Mmm... mm!

Felix?

Oh, Gloria,

I didn't want you to see me like this.

Oh, Felix, you silly little thing you,

going and eating that stuff, sleeping in this room.

Your system's too delicate for that.

It would be worth it if you... if you understood why I did it.

I'm trying to change.

I don't want to drive you crazy anymore.

Felix, you just go about things in such strange ways.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

That's one of the things that I love the most about you.

I do do strange things, don't I?

At least, you're never boring.

I guess not everyone has my flair for living, Gloria.

Yes, but sleeping in Oscar's room...

And I'm going to do it tonight and every night

until you're convinced I'm changing.

Don't you think I can?

Don't you think I can stop being Finicky Felix,

stop complaining and criticizing everybody?

What's that nice smell?

Hot rolls.

Well, you know, Felix,

I really do believe you are serious about trying.

And maybe if you keep on trying,

well, maybe I can learn to be a little bit more tolerant, too.

You know, I've been thinking, I'm not that perfect, either.

You are to me.

You know, sometimes I really miss you, Felix.

And the kids, well, they... they miss you, too.

You don't have to miss me anymore.

Will you take me back?

All right.

What?

I said yes.

Don't toy with me, Gloria.

I'm not toying.

Oh, Gloria... Oh, Gloria...

Don't kiss me.

You'll catch my cold.

Oh, I love you, Gloria.

We'll get married this week.

Fine.

Now let's get out of this room.

First, I'd better turn over the rolls.

The guests are ready.

I'm nearly ready. I'm nearly ready.

You're taking longer to get dressed than Gloria did.

Fix this for me, will you?

I guess you never thought you'd live to see this day, huh?

I must say, I wasn't sure you wanted to get married,

but I am sure now.

You know, you've been marvelous.

Little things that used to bug you,

you handle now with tact and patience.

Me? I'm so proud of you.

Really? Yeah.

I'm an amazing man, you know that?

I know that.

I've really completely changed my character.

I'm a different human being. Yes, you are.

For instance, there's a little thread

on your shoulder right there.

Formerly, I would have had to take it off.

Now, it doesn't bother me.

That's good. Yeah.

I've overcome things. I'm not finicky.

I owe it to you.

Hello, everyone. Hello.

Bravo!

No, no bravos.

I'm not only your groom, but I'm also host,

so if you'll excuse me, I have to check on my hors d'oeuvres.

I'll be right with you.

Oscar... Wow, what a beautiful dress.

Thank you, and you look so elegant.

Yeah, like Felix, right?

Yeah. He's trying so hard.

He sure is. He's being terrific, right?

I'm going to see if he needs any help. Okay.

Hi, buddy, what are you doing?

I distinctly told you I wanted cracked ice,

not ice cubes, didn't I? Didn't I? Felix is back, okay.

I asked you to do three things for me as my best man...

I asked you to crack the ice.

I asked you to lock the door to your room.

My door doesn't have a lock.

I tried to jam it closed but it sprang back.

So all the guests think it's the cloakroom.

They've thrown their coats in there.

They'll never find them now.

I'm sorry.

And, third, I asked you to bring us a plumber.

Well, the plumber was here.

He said the trouble is not in the sink.

The pipes are weak all over the place.

Oh, isn't that cheerful news.

That's not going to bother you.

You're only going to live here for another hour.

Will you stop with that?

The guests are asking for you. They want to see...

And be nice, will you, please?

I'll be nice, I'll be nice. Okay, let's go.

What is...? What's the matter now?

You have to advertise to everybody

that the suit is rented?

Don't make a big deal out of it, will you?

Be nice.

Hello, dear.

Hi, Dad. You look nice.

Ah, so do you.

Congratulations, Dad.

Thank you. Thank you.

Wh... What are you doing?

You're eating chocolate?

Want to spoil that perfect skin?

They've got shots for that now, Dad.

Eat fruit. I have fruit here for you.

Don't eat chocolate. I don't like fruit, Dad.

Felix, is anything wrong?

Nothing. Your son's eating chocolate.

It's going to ruin his teeth, that's all.

That's okay... I told him he could today.

You told him he could. Good, good.

Have a piece. Here come on, have one.

There you are.

Have another one. Have another one.

You like that haircut? Prince Valiant?

You think that's nice, huh? Good.

Hey, Felix.

Murray, nice... Oh.

Murray, careful. What are you doing?

Congratulations. I'm sorry.

Glad you're here, Murray.

Felix, how come Gloria isn't wearing white?

Murray, Gloria is the mother of two children.

Oh, I see.

I guess it's hard to keep things white

with kids around.

Mingle, Murray, mingle.

Gloria? Excuse me.

Gloria. Yes?

What time did you ask the violinist to arrive?

Oh, I didn't. I canceled him.

I got a pianist instead.

You canceled the violinist?

You don't mind, do you?

Canceled the violinist!

I knew you were going to crack, I knew it.

Pianist, every cliché in the book! Who cares?

A pianist, chocolates, what's the matter?

All right, you're right, you're right, you're right.

Okay, now let's get this thing going

before you start criticizing Gloria's dress.

Have you ever seen such taste in clothes?

Felix, as your best friend and your best man,

may I tell you something? Anything.

If you blow this, I'm gonna break both your legs.

Well, he's finicky.

Let's go in the kitchen.

Here we go.

Felix, you stay here.

I'll let you know when to come out.

Oh, Felix... OSCAR: Quiet. Here we go.

Minister, sir, can we have you?

You'll play, Henry, come on, let's go.

Everybody here. Everybody where you belong.

Come on, kids. Move it out.

Attaboy, let's go. Here we go.

Okay, Felix.

Felix!

♪ ♪

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together

in the sight of God and before this company

to unite this couple,

or I should say "reunite" this couple

in holy matrimony.

It's raining.

It's the pipes. It's the pipes.

Someone, get some towels.

It's going to ruin the carpet, that's all.

I told you to get us a plumber.

I'm going to talk to that superintendent!

Felix, will you stop? Felix!

What's more important... A little water

or a wedding you've been waiting for five years to...?

The wedding.

All right. What's a little mess?

We don't care, do we?

We're not going to let it rain on our parade.

Hit it.

Go ahead.

But don't you think with this... Go ahead.

But I... Go ahead!

Gloria, do-do you take this man

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

Felix, do you take this woman

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

If anyone here knows any reason

why this couple should not be

brought together,

speak now or forever hold your peace.

May I have the ring, please?

The ring? Oh.

Would you hold this a minute, please?

Thank you.

The ring.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

I'm free.

I'm free. I'm free!

Murray, I'm free!

I'm free! I'm a free person!

I'm free! I'm free!

Gloria, I'll be with you in one moment.

Well, buddy, this is it.

I wish you a good honeymoon and a great life.

Your dinner's in the oven.

Turn it off in 20 minutes.

Thanks.

Oscar, what can I say?

Five years ago, you took me in,

a broken man on the verge of mental collapse.

I leave here a cured human being.

I owe it all to you.

It's all yours, buddy.

I salute you.

Felix, you know how I'm gonna salute you?

I'm going to clean that up.

It has not been in vain.

I'm not going to clean that up.

I knew he wouldn't clean it up.