Original subtitles

All right, you know how we play this game.

Then I needn't explain it any further.

Come on in.

Oh, hi, Oscar.

Hey, Murray, how you doing?

What are you doing?

I'm watching, uh, Masquerade Party with Richard Dawson.

There was a message at the station

you wanted to talk to me... what's up?

Oh, I wanted to tell you some good news,

but you didn't have to come down here.

No, it's okay. What's the good news?

You're not gonna believe this.

I was just picked to cohost

a series of talk shows with Richard Dawson.

What is that?

What's what?

Beep, beep, beep. What is that beep, beep?

Oh, that.

That's just a police emergency call.

Go ahead.

Aren't you gonna answer it?

In the middle of your story?

If I answer it, I'll have to go in.

Now, come on, finish up.

Oh, well, Richard Dawson and I

are gonna cohost ABC's Wide World of Entertainment,

see, for about a week.

Could you talk faster, Oscar?

Well, we're gonna do a show about sports.

We're gonna do a show about magic.

We're gonna do a show about new talent...

Things like that, see?

Does Felix know? Hurry up. No, no.

See, he doesn't know that I'm cohosting.

He knows I'm cohosting, he doesn't know

who I'm cohosting with because he just found...

Will you stop with the finger?!

Is that it?

That's it!

Oh, thanks for hurrying it up.

Listen, you may have saved someone's life.

Congratulations, Oscar!

These things are such a nuisance!

Nag! Nag! Nag!

Are you eating crackers on the sofa?

Sweeping it off.

Oh, look what he's doing.

What are you watching?

Masquerade Party, Richard Dawson. Turn it off.

I don't want that trash in this house.

What are you talking about?

He's gonna cohost a show with me.

Who is? Richard Dawson.

Richard Dawson?! Yeah.

Richard Dawson, feh!

Feh?

What kind of reaction is that?

That man ruined my life.

I'm gonna enjoy working with him.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Look, I still don't understand

why you're mad at Richard Dawson.

I don't want to talk about... Ow!

You ran over my foot!

And he ran over my life.

I'm very upset about it.

All right, maybe if you talked about it,

you'd feel better about it.

Come on.

You know that when I was in the Army,

I was stationed in England.

Yeah, that's where you developed

an allergy to fog.

That's right.

I was in Special Services.

I was in the educational division.

I had a real career going in Army training films.

You had a career in Army films?

Are you kidding?

I wrote, directed and starred in How to Take a Shower.

Talk about typecasting.

I revolutionized the sex hygiene film.

I was the first one to use the line:

"Men, don't let this happen to you."

That was yours?

Absolutely.

Everybody stole that line!

The Nazis used it, the Japanese used it...

Every army used it... Except the Israelis.

They changed it to:

"Serves you right."

Anyway, I branched out.

I began to do camp shows.

I was really big. I did my songs.

I was a showstopper. I didn't know that.

Absolutely. I was good.

I was really good.

And then I picked up this partner,

this nowhere British Lieutenant.

Richard Dawson.

You guessed it.

I picked him up out of nowhere,

I-I taught him everything he knows.

He rode on my coattails for over a year.

Then a producer saw us and signed him up for a USO tour.

I was shipped off to Greenland.

I ended up doing jokes for Eskimos for two years.

Boy, that's a rough audience.

You kidding?

Try to get laughs out of an audience that's fishing.

Yeah, but I still don't understand

why you're mad at him.

What did Dawson do?

Because I started him off.

I gave him, I...

Everything he is he owes to me.

I... So what do you expect?

I could have been one of the greats.

It could be these blue eyes that are back.

But you have brown eyes.

Whatever.

But I just never got a chance.

Oh, well.

C'est la vie.

Some are winners, some are losers.

Some give, some take.

Felix, look, Dick and I are doing

a whole show on finding new talent.

You want me to ask him to

let you on, do your stuff? No, no, thank you.

I will not be beholden to him.

I'm buried now, and I'll stay buried.

Okay, suit yourself. However...

if it should come up, without being pushy...

I-I don't like pushy.

Yeah, but suppose he says no?

Then be pushy.

Can't you watch someplace else, Murray?

Where?

I don't have a TV set in my patrol car,

and the one at the police station got stolen.

Can't you watch at home?

I can't go home, I'm on duty.

There's a magician on tonight.

All right, I'll watch for a little while with you.

I love magic.

Felix, don't tell the guys, but sometimes I like to pretend

that my nightstick is a magic wand

and my patrol car is a pumpkin.

Watch the show, Murray.

Thank you, Joe Namath, and thanks for the pantyhose.

Ladies and gentlemen, that takes care of

the sports section of the show.

And now I'd like to introduce my cohost,

who was gracious enough to let me appear with him,

a great warm welcome for a great comedian, Richard Dawson.

You're fantastic.

Thank you.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you.

Ah, you're too kind.

Oh, I see the fish died.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have the world's greatest magician.

Will you join me?

Nice welcome, Mr. Mark Wilson!

How are you?

Absolutely empty.

Now, help me pull the cloth over.

All right, I've always wanted to help this...

All right, over the box, down the sides.

♪ Ta-da. ♪ Okay.

All right. Now, let's revolve it.

Once around. All right.

Keep going around with this?

There we go. All right.

Now, here comes the magic. Okay.

One, two, three... hup!

Hey!

Fantastic!

Wow, what a pretty lady!

Ah, isn't she pretty?

Say, that is fantastic.

Now, the greatest trick you've ever seen,

and, Oscar, you are gonna help.

Oh, yeah, I got to go. All right?

Let's get this off. Come right over here.

Behave yourself, Oscar.

Now, if you could just recline on this board

right here, okay?

Put your head up there.

Okay. All right?

Good, fine.

Make yourself comfortable?

Yeah. Okay.

I feel like I'm posing for a nude centerfold.

Here we go. Charley horse.

Now, watch. What are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do? There's a ladder under your feet.

And it's coming out.

You're on one ladder, Oscar.

You're kidding.

Now, watch this.

What's happening now?

Now, here comes the hard part.

Up!

What's the in-flight movie?

You're floating in the air.

Third floor, lingerie.

Traffic on the George Washington Bridge light and moderate.

There he is!

Now down. Dear Mom,

let me have a safe landing; I promise I'll never lie anymore.

I'll help you with the dishes, I'll do everything, Ma.

Please, let it be a safe landing.

I got you ready here.

Just about, just about down.

There he is! Hey.

Mark Wilson, ladies and gentlemen!

Thank you, Mark!

Fantastic!

Isn't that amazing? Oh!

Boy, if he could just float the dollar.

Listen, there's something I have to tell you.

Now, it's like playing dirty pool

doing it on the show, but... What?

Well, we have a mutual friend.

What, the little blonde at reception?

- I've seen her once. - No, no, no.

No, no. Felix Unger.

What?

Felix Unger.

Felix...

I used to do an act with a guy in England named Felix Unger.

That's the guy.

Oh...

We used to do camp shows for the troops.

Uh-huh.

We were the worst act in the world.

The most horrible act in the history of show business.

It was that bad?

Bad?

We finished a show one night,

General Patton came backstage and slapped us both.

Twice!

That's... that's not true!

We had a wonderful act!

Where you going?

To pick up the gauntlet he threw down.

He's so tidy.

Let's hear it for Wanda and her wonder birds,

ladies and gentlemen!

Beautiful! Thank you!

Don't cage the beasts.

We got one minute.

I want to thank you. You made it easy, Dick.

- You've been a delight. - Stop the clock! Stop it!

I demand equal time! Let me on.

Here we are. OSCAR: Sounds like Felix Unger.

Hey! Fe... Oh, hey, hold it.

Let him in, please. Let him in, please.

Ladies and gentlemen, my ex-partner,

Lieutenant Felix Unger!

Put it there, pal.

I wrote this in the cab on the way over.

"Dear Mr. Dawson, "I take umbrage.

"As a retired captain

"of the famous 22nd training film platoon,

"I say we did not have a rotten act.

"At least not my half of it.

"I demand that you allow the American public,

"Mr. and Mrs. Front Porch,

to decide... the way 12,000 Eskimos did."

That's easy, we're taping tomorrow, right?

Yeah. The New Talent Show.

How would you like to be on The New Talent Show?

You're on. All right, and we're off.

Good night, everybody.

Night. Good night, everybody.

Murray, use your coaster!

He can't see me.

You're going to love this.

Remember, Ed, we're going to do a double somersault

this time.

Are you ready to catch me?

Hey, you ready for us? Felix, how are you?

We're ready.

But this is our big finish.

Well, I just have to audition this act, okay?

Sure. Be right with you. Go ahead, darling.

Where are you, Mabel? Ed...

I told you, we'll have to get a smaller partner.

Yeah, they don't make wood the way they did before.

But I love the act... I love the way you were standing there.

You would've caught her. It was marvelous.

Thank you very, very much.

I really appreciate it. Thank you.

It was good. I got a lot of acts to see.

Show me what you've got, okay?

Where's Dawson? Well, he's gonna be late... but just go ahead anyway.

Well, you know that Dawson and I work together.

He's not gonna perform with you tonight.

I know that... that's why I brought Murray along.

Murray's gonna be Dawson?

That's... No. No, no.

The mistake I made was in giving Dawson all the funny lines,

all the yuks... That's what made him a star.

So I'm gonna do Dawson's part, and he's gonna do my part.

Yeah, I'm gonna play straight to Felix.

He's gonna do all the funny faces. Okay, show me what you got.

Okay, here. Here's a list of our bits.

Give me these... Here. Okay.

Hi, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, we're gonna take a little walk

down one of America's very ordinary streets,

and see the kinds of people we run into.

Hey, there's an Indian!

Hi. Are you an Indian, sir?

How.

You live on the reservation?

And how.

What do you do on the reservation?

Make-um arrows.

For hunting?

No, for one-way street.

Indian bit.

Well, now, as we walk along,

we see a farmer.

Hi there. Howdy, bub.

You're a farmer? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What kind of farmer? Potato farmer.

Everybody in these parts... potato farmer.

Uh-huh. What kind of crop do you have this year?

Oh, terrible, terrible... Rained all the time.

Rain, nothing but rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, just rain.

Then the tractor got loose, ran all over the place.

What'd that leave you with?

Hundred acres of mashed puh-tay-tas.

What'd he say, Murray?

Hundred acres of mashed puh-tay-tas.

That's what I thought he said. You can't do this kind of stuff!

Why? Are you crazy? It stinks, that's why!

This is good stuff. How can you say a thing like...

I-Is this what you did in the service? These hats are funny, boy.

They killed the G.I.'s. Not on television today. Can you do anything else?

Well, I've got my song, I've got my showstopper.

All right, what's the song? What is it?

"Laugh, Clown, Laugh."

That's great... you got two laughs in the title.

That's more than you got in the whole act.

Just go do that, anything.

All right, we'll go home and rehearse it, then.

Please. All right.

Bring the box, Murray.

I should've played the Indian.

Have you ever seen anything like that in your life?

Okay, I'm sorry I'm late.

Hi, Richie. You just missed Felix. Oh. How'd everything go?

I've seen some nice acts. Good.

Felix did a routine that drove me crazy.

It was the hokiest thing I ever saw.

You got to tell me about it?

I finally convinced him to sing, though.

Great. See, 'cause that he can do, he can sing.

What song's he gonna sing? "Laugh, Clown, Laugh."

"Laugh, Clown, Laugh."

Why, what's the matter? What's the matter?

It's a disaster, that's what's the matter.

Didn't he do that in the service? Sure he did.

He did it that night in England

when Patton came and slapped both of us!

Well, what are we gonna do, cut him out of the show?

I wish there was a way

we could just make it such a smash for him.

I'd like to do that, too, but I don't know how. Hey, maybe we can.

Who's this?

It's the next act.

Who is it? He's a bee trainer.

Now we have a nice surprise for you.

And I want you to introduce him. Oh, okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure

to introduce a great friend and a great showman,

from the USO by way of Greenland,

my dear friend,

let's have a warm welcome for... Felix Unger!

♪ Life is a play, and we all play a part ♪

♪ The lover, the dreamer ♪

♪ The clown ♪

♪ The dreamer and lover are always in tears ♪

♪ The clown spreads sunshine around ♪

♪ The life with a smile is the life worthwhile ♪

♪ So clown ♪

♪ Till the curtain comes down ♪

♪ Even though you're only make-believing ♪

♪ Laugh, clown, laugh ♪

♪ Even though something inside is grieving ♪

♪ Laugh, clown, laugh ♪

♪ Jest in your vesti lajuba ♪

♪ Be a Pagliaccio ♪

♪ Laugh ♪

♪ Clown... ♪

♪ The world is a masquerade party ♪

♪ And we all have our own masks to wear ♪

♪ The rich man pretends he is happy ♪

♪ And the pauper pretends he don't care ♪

♪ My mask is all worn out ♪

♪ With teardrops ♪

♪ And, at night, when it's placed on the shelf ♪

♪ I may make the world think I'm merry ♪

♪ But I can't hide the truth from myself ♪

♪ So no matter how much it may hurt ♪

♪ I must keep on acting! ♪

♪ Acting! Acting! ♪

♪ Be a Pagliaccio ♪

♪ Laugh... ♪

♪ Clown... ♪

♪ Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha... ♪

Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo! Bravo!

Thank you!

Thank you.

We'll be right back right after this station break.

He didn't suspect a thing.

Have you forgotten? We're on tape.

He's gonna go home tonight and watch himself.

It doesn't matter... We weren't on camera.

He was on a great big close-up, all alone.

On the air.

Oh. Ah. Oh.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present an act

that I discovered and I'm very proud of.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Aristocrats.

♪ And to some, my song may have charms ♪

♪ But the one who keeps my heart singing ♪

♪ Is a million miles from my arms ♪

♪ I may make the world think I'm merry ♪

♪ But I can't hide the truth from myself ♪

♪ So no matter how much it may hurt ♪

♪ I must keep on acting! ♪

♪ Acting! Acting! ♪

♪ Be a Pagliaccio ♪

♪ Laugh... ♪

♪ Clown... ♪

♪ Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha... ♪

Felix, you were just wonderful.

I'm really very moved.

I want to shake your hand.

What a gift.

Hmm.

What's the matter, buddy?

You don't look happy. No, I, uh...

I'm happy. Uh... What? I don't know, uh...

They seemed to be laughing at me there for a while.

I don't know, then at the end they went crazy, and they...

Well, you just warmed them up, see?

Is that it? Yeah.

They really did seem to love me there at the end.

Oh, yeah. Hmm.

I don't know, it's a... it's a strange thing.

What, did you set it up?

Did you tell them I was an orphan or a...

Oh, no. Come on.

Wounded war veteran, only had six months to live?

What, what, what did...? Will you cut it out?

Of course I didn't do that!

They really were crazy about me, weren't they?

Yeah, well... What?

What, what, what?

Felix, now, don't get mad, okay?

No, no.

Well, Richard and I were afraid

you were gonna bomb with the song...

I was afraid of the same thing. Yeah, well...

So at the end of it, when it was over,

we held up signs and we cued the audience

to yell "bravo" and "applause," yeah. Really?

Behind my back? Yeah, when the song was over.

See, it said "door prizes" and "bravo"

and "applause" and everything. You bum!

What?

Who told you to butt in?

I could stand up there in front of that audience!

Yeah?

And they'd throw rocks at me, wouldn't they?

That's what I was afraid of, buddy.

I've had it.

I've learned my lesson.

I have no business being a performer.

I'm too sincere.

It takes too much out of me.

No... I'm better off just as I am.

I am a photographer.

Let Dawson be a performer.

We each belong in our...

It's a wonderful song, though.

Oh, it is a good song, I got to tell you that.

You know what happened?

Did you know what the accompanist was doing?

He was dragging it...

♪ Even though you're only ♪

♪ Make-believing, laugh... ♪

That's not the way it goes, you see?

It should be done with a little bit more heart,

a little bit more spirit, you know what I mean?

♪ Even though you're only make-believing ♪

♪ Laugh, clown, laugh. ♪

What do you say?

Feh!

That's what the Eskimos used to say.

Who made this cheese, Plastics of America?

Hey, Felix, is he all right? He's not mad?

No, no, he's not mad.

We had a long talk about everything.

There's one thing I can tell you. What?

He's out of show business forever.

He'll never perform again. - Great.

Aw, that's too bad... He's so gifted!

Yeah.

♪ Laugh, clown, laugh. ♪

Well, it's our loss, isn't it?

Hey, Dick! Dick!

Look what I found... our old stuff.

Where did you get these?

I want you to see that our act wasn't so bad.

What do you want us to do, the vaudeville number?

Yeah. Go in the kitchen.

Murray, can you play this?

Come here, look at this. Yeah.

Just take a glance at it.

As soon as we get in the kitchen,

give us a bell note. Okay.

♪ Hats ♪

♪ Cane ♪

♪ Trunks ♪

♪ Trains ♪

♪ That's the way it was in vaudeville ♪

♪ Song ♪

♪ Cue ♪

♪ Soft ♪

♪ Shoe ♪

♪ And then you went out front and made your kill ♪

♪ They loved us in the cities ♪

♪ And they loved us in the sticks ♪

♪ We didn't mind the vegetables ♪

♪ But when they threw those bricks ♪

Oh!

♪ Laughs, ha-ha ♪

♪ Frowns, ah ♪

♪ Tank ♪

♪ Towns ♪

♪ That's the way it was in vaudeville ♪

I say, I say, I say... I say, I say...

Cease!

I rather like your shirt. Well, thank you.

Mm, do you prefer it to a Henway?

A Henway? What's a Henway?

A plump one, about eight pounds.

Oh-ho!

♪ Scranton and Canton, Salina, Medina ♪

♪ Detroit and Beloit, Kankakee, don't you see? ♪

♪ That's the way it was in vaudeville ♪

♪ Ra-da-da-da, da ♪

♪ Mamaroneck, Saranac, Staunton and Taunton ♪

♪ Altoona, Laguna, Racine, yes, I mean ♪

♪ That's the way it was in vaudeville ♪

♪ The act was a dilly in Cleveland and Philly ♪

♪ We rocked 'em in Brockton and Troy, boy, oh, boy ♪

♪ What a joy, they went batty in old Cincinnati ♪

♪ They screamed in Moline, Illinois! ♪

♪ We had 'em in Chatham, we smashed 'em in Ashton ♪

♪ We killed 'em in Wilton, they raved in New Havedon... ♪

Hold it!

New Havedon?

Huh! Yes.

♪ And that's the way it was in "vaud-a" ♪

♪ Listen, every son and "daught-a" ♪

♪ Ain't you glad that you have bought a ♪

♪ Ticket to a good old vaudeville? ♪

♪ Yes, sir! ♪

♪ And that's the way it was in vaudeville! ♪

Yes, sir! Hey, hey!

♪ Hats ♪

♪ Canes, trunk, trains ♪

♪ That's the way it was in vaudeville... ♪