Original subtitles

Well, Unger, you've really held up.

Mildred, dar...!

I forgot my key.

Who? I was expecting Mildred Fleener.

Who's she? Mildred Fleener.

My best girl in high school.

I've told you about her. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she called, she's in town,

she's coming over to visit. No kidding.

I haven't seen her since high school!

How do I look? Terrific.

Tell me the truth. Tell me the truth.

You look terrific, I... Do I really? Yeah.

Really? I'm telling you.

Why would I lie? Yeah?

I really do.

What are you so nervous about? I'm not nervous.

I thought she was happily married.

Oh, yes, yeah... no, no, nothing like that.

Nothing like... Then what?

Well, she was voted cutest girl in school,

I was voted cutest boy.

Oddly, we came in third for cutest couple.

There she is.

Tell me, now tell me the truth.

Have I aged?

You really want the truth? No!

Okay.

Mildred!

Tiger!

Oh, Mildred!

You're still the cutest.

Oh, so are you.

Oh, look! Mil...

I want you to meet my roommate, Oscar Madison.

Hello. Hello.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

I was voted best dressed in my high school.

Oh, sit down, Mildred.

We've got champagne.

Oh, I love your place.

How do you keep it so clean?

I have a man who comes in every night.

Excuse me a minute, please.

Ah, Mildred,

you haven't aged a day since high school.

Oh.

And neither have I.

Right?

- Right, Tiger. - Ah, no.

You don't have to say that.

Remember what I wrote in your high school yearbook?

Um...

"There's nobody cleaner than Mildred Fleener."

Remember, I signed it with a little tiger's paw.

I always had that crazy sense of humor.

Oh... Mildred, I just can't...

You make me feel like a kid again.

Oh, oh, that reminds me. I have to make a phone call.

Yeah, yeah, sure, right. Oh.

I won't be long.

We both look great.

She says I haven't aged a day since high school.

She's probably right, Tiger.

She always called me Felix the Tiger.

The other kids called me Felix the Cat.

Why? Because you were clean?

No.

Once, the other kids tried to drown me.

Good night, Kathie.

And don't forget to brush your teeth.

How old is Kathie?

Oh, she'll be three next month.

Ah!

You got a three-year-old daughter.

Oh, Kathie's not my daughter.

She's my granddaughter.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Oh!

Oscar.

Oscar.

Oscar!

Wake up.

I want to talk to you, Oscar.

Why aren't you talking to Mildred?

Hmm.

We called it an early evening.

It's not good for elderly people to stay up late.

No matter how cute they are.

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

She's a grandmother.

You told me, you told me, you told me.

I'm a month older than she is!

Felix, please. I got to catch a plane tomorrow to Boston.

Will you leave me alone?

Oscar, today a waitress called me "Pops."

Will you get out of here?!

Thank you, Oscar, for being so sympathetic and such a...

Got something in your throat?

Why don't you get a glass of water or something?

No, no point in wasting good water on me.

My life is over.

There's nobody cleaner than Grandma Fleener.

Well, at least when he's coughing he's not sighing.

You couldn't sleep either, huh?

Want to talk? We'll talk.

You're wearing a sport jacket.

I couldn't find my bathrobe.

Look, because Mildred Fleener is a grandmother,

Felix, that doesn't make you old.

No, no, but this does!

What?

Snow on the roof.

You got dandruff?

Gray! Gray! Look!

Yeah, I don't see any gray! Of course you don't see any.

I comb my hair down over it, but it's there.

Oh, a couple of gray hairs.

It looks distinguished.

On Cary Grant it looks distinguished.

On Felix Unger it looks like, "You ready to order, Pops?"

Oh, a couple of gray.

The rest of you is terrific!

No, it's not.

I've got old eyes.

I used to read like this, like a normal person.

Now I read like this.

In five years, I'll have to be a gorilla.

Why don't you use your glasses?

I always forget where I leave them.

Remember when I used to remember everything?

When was that?

Aah...

Felix, look, you want to talk seriously?

It's the middle of the night; I gotta get some sleep.

Oh!

You don't want to... No, no, no, no.

This is hard to talk about, Oscar.

When I was a little kid, do you know what I wanted to be?

What? Oh...

From the first moment I held a camera in my hands,

I wanted to be a film director.

I wanted that so much, to be Hitchcock.

Well, why don't you do it now?

Why don't I do it? Yeah.

Did you have dreams when you were a kid?

Yeah, sure, I wanted to be another Hemingway. Oh.

You know, go to those exotic places,

do exciting things, then write about them.

You never did it. No.

Why don't you do it now?

Now? I can't do it now, because it's...

Because? Because? You know, because it's...

Because you're too old!

I'm not too old! Stop saying that!

You are, too! No, I'm not!

Look at that vein in your forehead. Will you stop

with the vein in my head! Careful! It's very dangerous!

It's an embolism! If you don't stop talking

about these depressing, boring things,

I'm gonna send you to the old photographers' home!

Boy, you make good coffee.

Murray, I've asked you here for a reason.

I want you to witness something.

You got the right guy, Felix.

I'm a policeman... I'm trained to witness.

What are you doing?

Witnessing.

You don't understand.

I want you to witness I'm revising my will.

Why are you revising your will?

I could go any day, Murray.

I'm not a spring chicken anymore.

Yeah, that makes sense.

I, Felix Alex Unger,

being of sound mind and adequate body,

do hereby declare this to be

my last will and testament.

The bulk of my estate

to my beloved ex-wife... Gloria.

Poor, dear, sweet, foolish Gloria.

Felix! Don't...

Boy, I wish I could cry like that.

Oh, Murray!

Oh!

Was it something I said?

Will you hurry up?

I called you an hour and a half ago.

What took you so long?

Those steps are murder.

Oh, come on in here, will you?

Tina, get Louie, will you?

What's the hurry? What's the big hurry?

I'm gonna introduce you to some people

that are going to make you ashamed

of the way you've been behaving.

Louie Menini, say hello to Felix Unger.

Ow!

68 years old.

39 years, never missed one day's work.

That's good. That's good.

At night, he goes home, after work,

jogs seven miles. Huh.

And I also lift up weights and look for Communists.

Good, good. How about that?

Wait over there, will you, Louie? He's strong.

You haven't seen anything yet.

Mamie, come in here, honey.

Mamie Etkins.

71 years young.

Can't get her to retire.

Stays on the switchboard all the time, and that's not all.

Hit it, Mamie!

♪ I'm the daughter of Rosie O'Grady ♪

She takes tap dancing lessons at night.

You don't have to dance anymore. Very good.

That's what I mean, if you think...

You don't have to dance anymore, honey. Ah!

Thinking young makes... Honey, you don't have to dance anymore.

No, I'm telling you... Honey, no, you don't have to dance anymore.

Thank you, sweetie. I'm not finished.

Oh, that's great, thank you.

Oh, that was great, Mamie.

So much energy I couldn't stop her.

Why didn't you tell Louie she's a Communist?

You can make jokes.

Now I'm gonna show you somebody

really gonna make you ashamed.

74 years old, the engineer on our presses.

On weekends, he's a nightclub comedian.

Okay?

Sonny.

Say hello to Felix.

Good evening, ladies and Felix.

Hello.

How do you like the jacket?

It's very nice.

Mohair? No, Moe Levy.

Ah.

My wife said, "You're driving me to my grave."

I had the car out in two minutes.

She spends all her time in the beauty shop.

The other day, she got a mud pack.

She looked great for two days, then the mud fell off.

Ah.

She says, "Make me look like Barbara Streisand."

I picked up a brush and broke her nose.

Oh, Felix, don't you see?

Never forget my wedding night.

I was so nervous, I put my pants in bed,

and I hung over a chair all night.

Boy, was my wife dressed up the other day.

She was wearing hot pants and orthopedic shoes.

Okay.

Thank you very much; he's gone.

No, didn't work, it didn't work.

Thank you very much.

I tried.

I got to go up to Boston, sorry.

I just flew in from Boston today.

Boy, are my arms tired.

Put my bag down, I looked up...

I said, "This is my kind of town."

I looked down, and my bag was gone.

Oh, hi, Felix.

Hiya, buddy.

Welcome home.

How are you?

Okay.

A little tired.

Let me look at you. For what?

Boy, you look beat!

Felix, I was in Montreal, Toledo and Boston, all in two days.

Wow!

What a backbreaker.

You know it.

No wonder you look like the wreck of the Hesperus.

Thanks a lot.

Listen, none of us is getting any younger, you know.

Age has got nothing to do with it.

Well, ten years ago, Oscar Madison was...

a whole different story.

Listen, you got a telephone message.

Rhoda Zimmerman called you.

She wants you to call her tonight.

Tonight? Yeah.

I'll call her about Wednesday.

Ten years ago... Aw, again with the... Will you stop?

Was that kid along on the trip, the kid from the Post?

Teddy Webster? Yeah, the one they call the young Oscar Madison?

Yeah, he was there.

Ah, uh-huh.

Did he get off the plane exhausted?

No. As a matter of fact,

he went off with two stewardesses

and they went roller skating.

He asked me to go along but I said I was too tired.

Ah.

Maybe you better sit down.

I'll get you a cup of tea.

You know I feel like a cup of tea.

That's it, Murray.

A little bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's good, thanks...

Felix, there's a shadow on the screen.

Stand up, Murray, it's your nose.

I'll get some tea.

Anderson passed away.

Ed?

Frank P.

I don't know him.

How old?

Ninety-three.

Mm... mm, mm, mm.

Left a widow. Ah.

Conklin.

Who?

Conklin. Conklin...?

Clyde.

Did you know him?

No, no.

He didn't live around here. Ah, ah.

How old was he?

Fifty-two.

How did he go?

Got hit by a bus.

Ah!

I gotta get going, guys.

I really do.

Thank you, Murray.

You've been a good friend, Murray.

Good night, Murray.

You know something?

You guys make me sick!

Yeah, both of you.

Look at you... sitting there like Ma and Pa Kettle!

You ought to be arrested for impersonating the elderly.

"Murray, would you move the TV set.

"Murray, will you get some tea?

Murray, move your nose out of the way."

This nose has got more energy than both your two faces.

I am fed up to here with you guys!

Now, you want to see what a guy looks like

acting his own age, and walking with a spring in his step.

Now, I'm really depressed.

Why?

Being told off by Murray?

He's right!

You know what you are?

You're a downer.

You bum me out.

What are you talking about?

Telling me that I'm old.

I don't believe what I'm hearing.

You're the one who's telling me I'm old.

We sit around, we act old and so we feel old.

So what are we supposed to do?

We go out. We act young! How do you act young?

Well, you go where the young people go.

Where... where do they go when they want to have fun?

I don't know. Tina says she goes to a place called "The Electric Eggplant."

Hey... This is where it's at, baby.

There's Tina.

Tina! Tina!

Hey. Hi, Mr. Madison, Mr. Unger.

Hey. What are you doing here?

Oh, we dig the scene.

Yeah, yeah, we can dig it, yeah.

Can you introduce us to some of your friends?

Yeah, yeah, right.

Uh... wait just a sec.

Okay.

Uh... girls, do you want to meet some nice guys?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Okay.

Hi.

You gotta be kidding.

Oh, come on, do me a favor.

It's my boss and his roommate,

and they're really nice guys.

Well... And they're harmless.

All right, sure. Okay.

They dig us.

Girls, I want you to meet two swinging heavy dudes,

This is Mr. Unger and Mr. Madison.

Call me Oscar.

Just call me Ace. Hi, Ace.

This is Jeanie, Suzie and Debbie.

Hi. Hi.

Listen, I'm gonna split.

You all just join the party.

Right on. Okay, Tina, thank you very much.

See ya. Bye.

Oh, may we? Sure. Pull up a chair.

May I have this chair? Get comfortable.

It's really groovy. Yeah.

What are you dudes up to?

Well, he's a writer...

A writer? Wow, that's heavy.

You're heavy.

That's what they call him... Heavy Oscar.

Thanks, Ace.

Oh, what do you write? Well...

He writes sports stor... I can talk. I can talk.

I'm a sportswriter for the New York Herald.

The Herald?

Oh, that establishment newspaper? Yeah.

Don't you feel you're prostituting yourself at all?

I beg your pardon?

That paper has no social conscience.

Yeah, well, no consideration for the poor and oppressed.

Well, I cover the Knicks.

What's your bag?

My bag? Yeah.

I'm in the old photography bag.

Oh, do you work at the Herald, too?

Oh, no, no... I freelance... no.

I do picture stories on the struggles of ethnic minorities.

Right now, I'm doing a layout on the miserable and the diseased.

- Oh, that's fantastic! - Yeah.

You got 'em, Ace, you got 'em.

What are you girls interested in?

Self-awareness.

What's that?

Raising our consciousness

and getting in touch with our inner emotions.

Oh, wow. Oh, oh, like wow. Wow.

Boy, you kids really know how to have fun.

How do you raise your consciousness?

I mean, you stand on a chair or something?

What a cool sense of humor!

You're cool! You're cool!

Cool Oscar.

That's what they call me: Cool, Heavy Oscar.

Hey, what's your sign?

My sign? Yeah.

Pisces, the fish.

Witty, urbane, FELIX: sophisticated.

Long-winded.

What's your sign?

Taurus. Oh, the Bull. Yeah.

That's Oscar the Bull.

That's what they call me, the Cool, Heavy Bull.

Wait, I'm a Taurus, too. Are you really?

Hey, far out!

Yeah... That's great.

That's so far out, it's gone.

All the way out.

Hey, you guys dance?

Sure. No. He dances.

Come on, Oscar, let's us two bulls lock horns.

Come on! Hey, I've gotta drive...

Whoo!

You're good! Yeah?

You're good, Oscar!

Do the Australian Crawl.

FELIX? Would you care to dance? Oh, great.

Would you excuse us? Oh, sure, go ahead.

Mr. Astaire, let's dance to the music.

Come on, get with it.

I'm dancing to the music. Come on.

That's it.

♪ ♪

Thank you.

Whoo! That's cool. Yeah, that's cool.

That's... Oh, was that cool.

That's great.

That's heavy. Like wow!

Yeah, well, look, guys, it's been real, you know?

But, like, we gotta go... come on. Oh, no, no.

We're just all getting it together in one bag.

You know, we'd really like to stay,

but we gotta go to a Hosheena meeting.

Hosheena? What's that?

It's this new religion.

This bus driver turned us on to it yesterday.

Tonight we go back and take our sacred vows. Ah.

Hey, do you want to come?

Well, what do we have to do?

Just shave our heads.

I think we'll pass on that. Yeah.

Okay, well, listen, why don't you just come to the party later?

Yeah. Do we have to shave anything?

No.

Look, it starts at 2:30.

2:30 tonight?

Sure. Just catch the number 23 bus right up the street.

And the buss will take us to the party?

The bus is the party.

Oh... and don't forget to have exact change.

Later. See ya.

Latersville.

See you, Ace.

Wow!

Like wow!

What are we gonna do until 2:30?

Well, it's 10:00.

Want to dance with some of the girls?

No, no more dancing.

Whoa. No more dancing.

Well, you can sit here and groove to the music.

I'm not gonna groove for four more hours.

Why don't we go home, set the alarm for 2:00

and get a nap?

Felix, I'm not gonna get up in the middle of the night

to catch a bus to have a date with three bald girls.

Why not?

Felix, tell me the truth, did you have a good time

talking to these girls tonight?

Oh, sure. I got into some heavy raps with them.

You got into some heavy baloney with them.

Do you have to be such a phony when you're with Miriam?

Oh, that's a different story.

We have the same interests.

We go to the opera, we go to the ballet...

And when you talk to her, do you feel old

when you talk about these interests? No, of course not.

Well, I don't feel old when I talk about

the things I'm interested in.

Tell me the real honest-to-God truth.

Didn't you feel old hanging around these kids?

Yes.

You want to look like him?

Let's go home.

Hey, baby... I am not a baby.

I'm a man of mature years who doesn't happen to look it...

and you should wear underwear.

Oscar. Oscar.

Hmm? What now? What?

You know... we learned an important lesson tonight.

We're not old.

We have mellowed... like fine wine.

We must learn to accept ourselves as we are

and like ourselves as we are.

That's what maturity really means.

Accepting yourself for what you are.

You woke me up to tell me that?

No. It's 2:00.

It's time to go to the party.

Oh.

Have you seen my trousers?