Original subtitles

Pick it up.

I believe this is yours.

Kindly dispose of it.

It's flat.

Don't disturb me. I've got to practice.

Why? We trying to get rid of another neighbor?

My opera club's having its recital next week.

I'm the accompanist.

We doing a program of Mozart and muffins.

Mozart's music, my muffins.

Have to practice.

Practice all you want. It won't bother us.

"It won't bother us"?

Yeah. I invited a houseguest for the week.

Who?

My old army buddy, Wild Willie Boggs.

No, sir! No! No! No, sir!

Take it easy, will you?

He's appearing with a rodeo

down at Madison Square Garden for a week.

I will not have him in this house again this year.

What am I supposed to say to my friend,

go stay in a hotel?

Besides, he's a fun guy.

Squirting flowers and joy buzzers are not fun.

A pony in my bathtub was not fun.

Oh, so he pulls a few harmless pranks.

You didn't have to clean up the bathroom.

Listen, if it wasn't for his sense of humor,

I don't think I'd have gotten through basic training.

What did he do, short-sheet the colonel's bed?

How did you know?

There he is! You listen to me.

What? Listen, he's going to behave himself

in this house or out he goes.

This is not a corral here; he's going to be a gentleman.

You understand? Okay.

He'll get out, dribble glass and all.

All right, all right.

Hey! Oscar!

Whoo! Oh, what happened to you?!

You're putting it on! Whoo!

Felix!

Hello, Mr. Boggs.

I didn't want to impose on you empty-handed,

so I stopped by and got some chicken in a bucket.

Ah.

That's very kind of you.

Thank you very much.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Yesterday, when I was young ♪

♪ So many happy songs ♪

♪ Were waiting to be sung ♪

♪ So many wild pleasures ♪

♪ Lay in store for me ♪

♪ And so much pain my dazzled eyes refused to see ♪

♪ I ran so fast that time ♪

♪ And youth at last ran out ♪

♪ I never stopped to think ♪

♪ What life was all about ♪

♪ And every conversation I can now recall ♪

♪ Concerned itself with me ♪

♪ And nothing else at all ♪

♪ There are so many songs in me that won't be sung ♪

♪ I feel the bitter taste of tears upon my tongue ♪

♪ The time has come for me to pay ♪

♪ For yesterday ♪

♪ When I was young. ♪

Oh...

Oh, that was terrific!

That was terrific!

All right, give me the guitar.

Look at the guitar. Okay.

Now, I want you to do my favorite.

Come on. You got to do my favorite.

Once, at least.

♪ Down the road there from me ♪

♪ There's a big hollow tree ♪

♪ Where you lay down a dollar or two ♪

Yeah!

♪ Well, you go round the bend ♪

♪ When you come back again ♪

♪ There's a jug full of good old mountain dew ♪

♪ Well, they call it that good old mountain dew ♪

♪ And them that refuse it are few ♪

♪ I'll hush up my mug if you'll fill up my jug ♪

♪ With some good old mountain dew ♪

♪ Now my brother Bill's got a still on the hill ♪

♪ Where he runs off ♪

♪ A gallon or two ♪

♪ And the buzzards in the... sky ♪

♪ Get so drunk they can't fly ♪

♪ From a-smellin' that good old mountain dew ♪

♪ Well, they call it that good old mountain dew ♪

♪ And them that refuse it are few ♪

♪ I'll hush up my mug if you'll fill up my jug ♪

♪ With some good old mountain dew. ♪

Yeah!

Oh, I love it.

Whoo! Whoo!

I can do that over and... It's been a long time.

Yeah. Hey, Felix, Felix, ain't he something, huh?

It's very good... for what it is.

Play another one, will you?

No.

Well, I don't have time anyway, Oscar.

I've got to get ready for the rodeo. Oh.

But I do want to thank you, Felix, for what you said

about my singing and playing.

I know you know a lot about music.

Well, you're more than welcome.

Shake?

You think that's funny?

It is funny. It is funny?

You think that's funny?

Yes!

My napkin.

Oh, he's such a funny guy.

What a wonderful person to have around.

He's a... Oh, knock it off.

He's been in the house half a day,

already I've sat on his whoopee cushions three times.

He glued my shoes to the floor, and he greased the toilet seat.

That's because he's a fun-loving guy,

and he likes to see people laugh.

You notice he doesn't do it to me.

Because I think it's funny.

He does it to you because you're stuffy

and don't have a sense of humor.

I don't have a sense of humor? That's right.

Me? Yeah.

The one who had them rolling in the trenches at Anzio

with my imitation of Noel Coward?

You think that was funny?

What do you think's funny?

"Good evening, ladies and germs."

Yeah!

You'll love this one.

A man walks into an elevator. There's a naked woman.

He says, "My wife's got an outfit just like that at home."

Boy, that's funny!

That's funny.

I got to be getting down to the rodeo.

I sure hate that I'm gonna miss

one of your fine dinners tonight.

Well, I'm certain you'll make it for breakfast, won't you?

Felix, you seem a bit testy.

Have I been getting on your nerves?

I have a feeling that you don't like me.

I don't like your-your pranks very much.

That's because you've never tried 'em.

You ought to try 'em one time.

I don't think so.

You want to pull a great prank on Oscar while I'm gone?

No. What?

This rubber hot dog.

Oh, they're a gas! A rubber hot dog?

Yeah, he takes one bite out of it

and then chews it all night long. It's rubber.

I wish I could be here to see the expression on his face.

Thank you very much.

Oscar! OSCAR: Yes?

Oscar, listen, dinner won't be ready for about an hour,

but I have a little snack for you if you'd like it.

One of your favorites. What do you got?

Yeah, nice cold hot dog, just the way you like it.

Put a lot of mustard on it. With a lot of mustard, yeah.

That's nice of you.

Well... Ooh, that's terrific.

How is it?

The bun's a little stale.

Here, have some dessert.

That's-that's quite a surprise.

Mozart, wasn't it?

Yes, it was.

Till you turned it into Memphis.

You like good music?

Yes, one of my first loves.

Really?

Hey, you know this?

Vivaldi.

Wow, can you play this?

Well, I... it's been a while.

What happens? Does the fiddle explode?

This is a real violin.

The bow is made of licorice?

I'm very serious now.

Well, just start from here.

One, two, three.

You are good.

Well, you know, I used to practice a lot.

In fact, I had a scholarship before I went in the army.

No kidding. Why'd you give it up?

Well, sitting in a room all day

practicing on the violin is not my idea of fun.

I like to get out with the people

and joke, make 'em laugh.

No. Fun is mesmerizing an audience of thousands.

Fun is the happiness your gift can bring to other people.

Let's do this one again.

One, two, three.

En garde!

Hey, that's great!

You like dueling! No, not dueling.

What you were doing, the playing, that was terrific.

You see that? You see the reaction of that man?

Now, that's fun.

You really liked that, Oscar?

I'm telling you, it was sensational!

You guys excuse me.

What's this all about?

Congratulations.

For what?

You just turned that man into a concert violinist.

I did?

You're a magician.

I am?

Then how come I can't make you disappear?

Come on, Willie.

You been practicing for three days.

I want you to meet my friend, Murray.

You'll love him.

He can direct traffic with his nose.

Murray.

Is this the guy?

Wild Willie Boggs, meet Murray the cop.

How's it going?

Uh-uh. I heard about you.

I'm not falling for that one.

Come on, let's all sit down. Grab a chair, Murray.

Ooh, ooh!

You almost got me that time.

Oscar, what would have happened if I sat in that chair?

See, that's the beauty part.

You never know with Wild Willie, see?

Willie, tell him about the time we were stationed in Tokyo.

Go ahead. You're gonna love this, I tell ya.

Well, we went into this geisha house.

Yeah, yeah.

Stayed about two days and then went on back to the base.

That's not funny, Oscar.

He's warming up.

Willie, you didn't tell him what happened

when they served dinner.

Oh, here it comes. Here it comes. Oh, this...

You won't be able to stand this one.

Well, we took our shoes off, Yeah.

Sat around on all these cushions.

Two beautiful girls brought all this food in

and Oscar and me ate too much.

Oscar, he's no Morey Amsterdam.

I don't understand you, Willie!

You can't even break up Murray

and he laughs at police lineups.

I'm sorry. I don't have time for all of this.

I've got to practice.

I've got to learn a very difficult number.

Nice meeting you, Murray.

Boy, I tell you, you're not a fun guy anymore.

I'll tell you that.

I've seen guys in traction funnier than you.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

I'm sorry, Murray.

Well, he seems like a nice guy, but he just wasn't funny.

He used to be.

Felix ruined him.

He ruined my funniest friend.

I thought I was his funniest friend.

Play "Melancholy Baby"!

Do you have to be such a boor?

Do you realize you're tampering with a man's life?

Why don't you go in there

and tell him he doesn't have to do this?

You know what you are? What?

You're the kind of man who ruins the world.

How?

He sticks an umbrella down my pants,

opens it, and you scream with laughter.

'Cause it's funny.

You have a hotfoot mentality.

And what about you?

You turn a former funny guy

into a mummy in a violin case.

I hope you're very happy with yourself.

I'm delighted. Okay.

You know what's gonna happen here Saturday afternoon?

Sure, you're gonna shampoo the rug.

After that.

You know who's coming to my opera recital?

Who? Boris Kalnikov.

Hooray!

Boris Kalnikov, the concert impresario.

With one wave of his cane,

he can give him a whole new career.

I'm gonna have Willie play for him.

Isn't that exciting?

Oh, be still my heart.

Now listen to me.

His dinner's in the oven.

Serve it to him in one hour.

Shall I slip it to him under his cell door?

I shudder to think what would have happened

if you'd been a friend of Michelangelo's.

There'd be no Sistine Chapel.

You'd have said, "Leave your brushes, Mike.

We'll go tip over gondolas."

All right, everyone, here we go.

Meeting will come to order!

All right, the meeting will come to order.

Come on, everybody. Sit down.

Sit down, everybody. Please sit down.

Sit down. No! No, you can't have

the biggest chair this time. Oh, my dear boy.

No, we're saving that chair

for something very special.

Members of the Lexington Avenue Opera Club,

welcome to Mozart and Muffins.

Mozart made the music,

and I made the muffins.

So, help yourself as you see fit.

Now... Well, just...

Oh, no, don't take any of those.

Those are for our honored speaker. Take some of those.

All right, everybody. Sit down. Sit down.

We have a great big surprise for you.

We're going to have a surprise guest

and a surprise performer.

But to start things off, our own Fred Flescher

will sing an aria for us

that he has been working on for 14 years.

I shall sing "Il Mio Tesoro."

From Don Giovanni.

♪ Il mio tesoro intanto ♪

♪ Andate ♪

♪ Andate ♪

♪ A consolar... ♪

Sing away.

♪ ...E del bel ciglio il pianto ♪

♪ Cercate di asciugar ♪

♪ Cercate ♪

♪ Cercate ♪

♪ Cercate di asciugar ♪

♪ Cercate... ♪

Ah, Mr. Kalnikov.

Come in.

Oh, such an honor.

Thank you, Mr. Flescher.

Ladies and gentlemen,

members of the Opera Club,

this is Mr. Boris Kalnikov.

A Famous... a famous...

Shut up, Flescher!

Sit down. Have a muffin.

Ah.

Isn't he talented?

He could use a little more practice.

Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry.

I wanted to make a good impression.

Never mind the impression.

You're not Rich Little.

I came to hear the cowboy violinist.

And you will hear him last.

No, I will hear him first.

Ah, well, let me explain my thinking, Mr. Kalnikov.

I, too, am something of an impresario.

Mr. William Boggs is our star.

I thought you'd hear all of our group first

and then as a big finale, our top performer.

Let me explain my thinking.

I will hear your top performer first

and then I will go home and have dinner.

Good thinking.

Are you ready, William?

All set.

Honored guest, ladies and gentlemen

of the Lexington Avenue Opera Club,

Felix Unger presents

a startling new talent,

born of poor, but industrious sharecropper parents,

in a one-room cabin in Gooseberry, Kentucky...

Boring!

And so without further ado,

I present Mr. William Boggs.

Stop!

That's enough!

You are a genius!

Oh!

Do you really think so?

Kalnikov knows a genius when he sees one.

Oh, I'm so glad you agree

with me. And you, sir, you're an idiot.

Why do you say that?

Kalnikov knows an idiot when he sees one.

Aren't you the great Wild Willie Boggs?

Yes.

Well, then, sir, you're a genius.

You are the funniest man I ever saw.

Don't you remember me from the rodeo?

You set fire to my cape.

Was that you?

Who else would wear a cape in Phoenix?

You crazy guy.

But... what did you think

of the way he played the "Czardash"?

Oh, 90 guys can play the same way.

Boring!

But Wild Willie Boggs...

he's one of a kind.

What I do now, Oscar?

Willie, that's your decision.

Now what is it you really want to do?

Well, I'd like to play some more.

Good! Good!

Wonderful!

Uh, are you in opera or the rodeo?

No, I'm in baseball.

Are you Hank Aaron?

No.

Mr. Boggs will resume with the allegretto.

Yeah!

Whoo!

Yee-haw! Whoo! Whoo!

Yee-haw!

Whoo-hoo!

Felix, I'm sorry that I messed up your audition.

No, no, no, no, that's all right.

I just... I don't know what comes...

I just have to do it my way. Of course.

Listen, now for me, play some Bach

on the guitar. No more Bach.

Will you play my favorite, "Mountain Dew"?

No, no, no, play a nice classical thing...

Please. I don't want to hear anything classical.

- I want "Mountain Dew"! - Wait, wait.

Can I do something for myself?

He's entitled.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Olé!

Whoo!

All right.

Are you happy?

He finally played Bach for you.