Original subtitles

Operator... Huh?

No, Operator, I was just cleaning.

What did the doctor say?

I don't understand talk like that.

Why won't you answer me?

'Cause Dr. Melnitz put me on some medicine

and then he put me on voice rest.

And that's all Dr. Melnitz did? Yeah.

Said I was fine. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Where's your phone?

I want to call Dr. Melnitz. All right, all right!

He said my throat was a little irritated.

If I gargle with hot water and salt, I'll be fine.

Salt water and that's all? Yeah.

I already called Dr. Melnitz.

Well, I'm not gonna have the operation!

Yes you are! No, I'm not!

He's a quack. What does...

Who are you to call? What are you, my mother?

No, but I wish I could punish you for lying.

Just leave me alone, will you?

I've got to get dressed here.

Can't believe this.

Unbelievable.

Nice. Uh-huh.

You're being so ridiculous.

He even recommended a wonderful surgeon.

Who? That Dr. Kreeky?

Kooky?

Dr. Krakauer happens

to be the best throat man in New York.

Well, you can forget about it.

I'm not gonna have the operation.

My voice is fine.

Well, your voice was fine yesterday.

It's always fine until you yell.

Well, don't make me yell, huh?

Oh, swell.

It's all set, Oscar...

You're going in the hospital tonight.

Oh, did you arrange everything? Yes.

Isn't that nice. Well, I can't go

even if I wanted to I couldn't go.

I have something very important to do tonight.

Crazy Rhoda Zimmerman is not all that important.

It's not Crazy Rhoda, smart guy.

I'm gonna be on The Dick Cavett Show, and I'm late now.

The Dick Cavett Show?!

Yeah.

Wow!

Why didn't you tell me?

It just came up this afternoon.

It's because of that racetrack scandal I uncovered.

Will you help me find my black shoes, please?

Black shoes. Yeah.

Here. Oh, they're right there.

There's a pickle in this shoe.

You're always after me to use a shoe tree,

aren't you?

It's very hard to find a size 11D pickle.

I just realized something very,

very important about you. What?

In the words of the great Sigmund Freud,

you're a fraidy cat.

I am not a fraidy cat.

What about the dentist?

You insisted on gas to have your teeth cleaned.

Oh, I needed a nap, that's all. Yeah.

You're afraid of doctors.

I am not afraid of doctors. Yes, you are.

No, I'm not. I just don't like doctors.

The last doctor I liked wore a bone in his nose.

That's a typical fraidy cat reaction.

Well, no matter what you say, I'm not gonna have the operation.

And that's the end of it, okay? All right. All right.

It doesn't matter to me; I did all I could.

Good. I'll get him in the hospital.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

As, uh, most of you have probably read,

a major racetrack scandal was uncovered in the past week

and one of the, uh, best-known sportswriters in America,

Oscar Madison, got that story.

Mr. Madison is here tonight

to talk about the whole...

30 seconds, Mr. Madison.

Yeah, sure. Hey!

Hey!

What are you doing here?

You ready to go?

Yeah, in a few seconds.

No, leave it alone, will you.

I just spoke to Dr. Krakauer.

Again with Dr. Krakauer. He'll operate tomorrow.

Will you stop, Felix, please!

He's gonna squeeze you in.

Tell him to squeeze me out again.

I'm going on in a few sec... No, no.

What's the matter with you? You'll get this done.

Don't shout... you're gonna hurt your voice.

Don't shout.

I'm gonna get... I lost my voice.

You did, you hurt your voice again, didn't you?

You know what's gonna happen now?

You're gonna go out there and make a fool of yourself.

Will you welcome please Mr. Oscar Madison.

Right here.

My Voice... I can't. You're on.

You're on. You're on.

You're on. I can't do it.

Come on, Mr. Madison.

You're on.: I can't go on.

I can't.

My guest wasn't exactly in place.

They have a hammerlock on him.

We sometimes have to do that.

We had to get one on Helen Hayes to get her to come out.

Here is... here he is now,

Mister... there you are.

Mr. Madison, very nice to see you.

Can we hear it for Mr. Madison

as he sits down.

I was a little worried there for a moment.

Say, you, uh, you've created quite a stir

with this whole, uh, racetrack scandal

and there are a couple of points I'd like to clear up right away.

One of them is that the underworld has in a sense

gotten to you and sort of, uh,

asked you to clam up about this whole thing.

Is there any-any truth to that?

Perhaps you could sort of

recap the story for us from the beginning.

I'm sorry, I can't...

We're having a little, uh...

you're gonna have to speak up.

You'll have to talk much louder.

You're gonna get... Are you feeling...

Do you feel that you're using your full voice?

Because I'm not hearing you.

I seem to be having an auditory deficiency of my own.

What, um, what is the matter?

The matter is the man needs a throat operation,

that's what the matter is.

Who's that?

Uh, are-are you aware of the man in the wings?

This is the strangest night I think I've had yet.

What is, uh, what is that?

That man needs a throat operation,

that's what the trouble is.

He won't have it.

Is he with you?

Would you want to come out here and explain this?

I don't know what's going on out here.

On TV? Yeah, come right out.

These are the cameras.

I could use a little help.

I haven't been in makeup yet.

Oh, that's all right. You look fine.

Just have a... have a chair.

Stage Manager.

Thank you.

Just...

have a seat. Loved your book! Loved your book!

Oh, thank you.

You-you know each other, then. Yes.

Uh, what were you talking about backstage?

I really didn't understand this at all.

This foolish man has a serious throat condition,

which he has chosen to simply ignore.

I see. Well, uh, can you tell the story then

about the racetrack scandal for him,

so we...?

I don't bother my mind with those silly things.

You know who was a wonderful guest with you,

I mean, just loved him?

Lord Laurence Olivier.

Now, that-that was really good.

If that man had a throat condition, you'd never know it,

because the man is a trouper. - Yes.

Have you seen him sell those cameras?

Isn't that... What are you trying to do?

This man's going to be on twice a month,

and you're ruining it for him.

You're going to get him fired forever.

All of you people who think

this man should have an operation, signify.

How many feel this man should also have an operation?

Will you please give me my thermometer back?

Relax, it's only a minor operation.

That's close enough.

Close enough to what?

Close enough to operate.

Thanks a lot.

Your surgeon will be in a few minutes.

You'll like him.

He's a real cutup.

You hear what she said?

Dr. Krakauer is a real cutup.

Look what I'm talking to... The mummy.

Post time!

I make a joke out of anything.

How you feeling, huh?

A little low, huh?

You scared?

Let's have some fun.

Cut it out!

See?

Even a hospital can be fun.

Not this hospital.

See that guy?

You know what he came in here for? A tonsillectomy.

Must have been complications.

You know who operated on him?

Dr. Krakauer.

They tell me Krakauer is a genius.

Yeah. How they treating you, huh?

All right. They even shaved me.

Ah.

Well, you want to look nice for your operation.

I'm not talking about my face.

You don't want to take any chances.

Well, that's a pretty big margin for error.

Why didn't you stop them?

I was sound asleep.

It was 3:00 in the morning.

I thought it was a nice dream.

Such a kidder.

I want to get out of here. Dr. Krakauer will be here any minute.

My voice is better. Your voice is terrible.

How can anybody work here

with all this stuff in the hall?!

Hello, I'm Dr. Krakauer.

Sorry, I'm late.

How do you do? How do you do?

You're Dr. Krakauer?

Yeah.

What's the matter, you never saw a surgeon before?

You Madison?

What's the matter with him? He can't talk?

He's got a bad throat.

That's why he's here in the hospital.

Well, take it easy.

You can't be too careful.

Sometimes they slip a hernia case in.

It's embarrassing.

You weren't too careful with

this tonsillectomy case, were you?

Don't be a dope.

I never operated on him.

He jumped out the window when we tried to shave him.

What is it?

May I call you "Doctor?"

Yeah.

Do you think this is

the most sanitary thing in the world, a cigar?

You know, most doctors have quit.

Are you a patient here?

No.

Would you like to be?

I'm his roommate.

Don't let him make you nervous.

Here, open your mouth, let me see.

Doctor, Doctor. I want you...

What now? Another walk down the aisle?

I want you to know that I will be here

to help him at all times.

You really want to help him?

Yes.

Move to Turkey.

Tomorrow, we'll have the operation.

Keep your fingers crossed.

What an eccentric, huh?

But I smell genius.

I smell pain. I'm getting out of here.

Please, let me get out.

Stay, stay. We'll laugh some more.

No more with the bed! Leave the bed alone, will you?

You know what I always say to a man

who's about to have a throat operation?

What?

Keep your chin up.

Get out, Felix.

But you need a friend.

Get out, Felix!

Guess who's coming to dinner but can't swallow?

It's the patient.

Oscar, I wasn't expecting you till tonight.

Yeah, they made him check out of the hospital a little early.

They didn't want you to come back.

See, there was nothing to worry about.

The operation was a complete success.

Krakauer's a genius.

He can't talk for two days.

I know, that's why we have this blackboard.

We'll communicate just fine.

Felix? Yeah?

Okay if I go to your little boys' room?

Sure, go ahead.

Oscar, Oscar.

Listen, while you were away...

Glad to see you...

I came to an amazing conclusion.

Do you know why you lost your voice?

You knew! I thought I was the only one who figured it out.

I bug you.

I drive you crazy.

Well, I'm not going to do that anymore.

Don't drink the cold. It's bad for your throat.

Don't gulp like that. Here.

Here. Sip it.

Here you are.

Wipe your lip.

You see, I used to drive my wife crazy, too,

but I'm-I'm not going to drive you crazy anymore.

I'm going to live and let live.

You have to be just a little bit more flex...

The main thing is, that if you don't...

You're testing me, aren't you?

I know you're not going to smoke a cigar with that throat.

You think I'm crazy?

What a kidder you are.

There's a big surprise...

Big surprise for you in your room.

You like it?

Huh?

Doesn't that sort of look nice?

Oscar?

Oscar, I didn't clean up your room.

I just... I just neatened it a little

because of the dust.

There was such dust here.

That's bad for your throat, Oscar.

I did it for your own good.

Come on, don't... Please.

You're making my throat hurt, come on.

Please, Oscar, be friends.

I get sympathy pains.

Like when Gloria was pregnant, I retained water.

Come on.

Look, we'll-we'll mess it up a little bit, see?

Look, see what I did? There.

Aw, come on, don't make me feel so guilty.

Come on, please, Oscar.

It's no way to treat a guy who's trying...

Please... Os...

Oscar.

Hey, guys, when I stood up, I bumped my head on your sink.

Does it... Does it look all right?

I'm deaf!

What do you say, Madison?

Don't tell me.

Don't talk.

Listen, how do you feel?

Don't tell me.

Let me examine you.

See how you feel a little later.

Let me see. Open your mouth.

Ah! Good.

Now you can start to talk, but very softly.

Remember, if you raise your voice,

you'll be back in the hospital in ten minutes.

How about this? Like this?

Perfect.

Good.

What's the matter with the nudge?

He can't talk.

Stop playing doctor with yourself.

Here, let me take a look.

Yeah.

That it.

You know what you're suffering from?

You got a severe case of Nudge's disease.

In your terms, hysterical laryngitis.

Guilt has taken over.

Guilt from driving this man crazy.

In two weeks, Oscar will be well.

You'll be sick the rest of your life.

Or until you feel

that you've punished yourself enough.

All right, that's right, don't listen.

Don't listen.

You may hear something that could change your whole life.

Turn you into a normal person like him.

What this country needs is more men like you!

Thank you, Doctor.

Now, remember, don't raise your voice.

With him around?

Try your best.

Nice meeting you fellows.

Hey, now remember, don't shout,

even when you get my bill.

Okay, now, you heard what the doctor said.

So now stay out of my room

and stay out of my way, please.

And don't give me any trouble, okay?

And you're going to treat me right.

You're not going to bother me.

And you're going to be very nice about everything.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Hey, want to take the television set?

Not with my back.

Okay, I'll take it.

Let's get the silverware first.

Honk?

Maybe they teach geese.

Come on.

♪ ♪

What are you doing in my room?

You want me to go back to the hospital?

Do you know what the doctor said?

Get out of my room, will you?

Please, get out of my room.

Operator.

This is your operator speaking.

Is this an obscene phone call?

What are you doing?

Will you get out of my room?

Please, get out of my room.

Can't you sleep...

What? What?

Burglars?

Two burglars in the living room?

Why didn't you tell me?

What are you waiting for?

Okay, don't move, and you won't get hurt!

What disarray.

Try to get out, will you?

I can't. You tied me up too well.

And I can't even yell, thanks to you.

I hope you're happy.

All this is your fault.

You and your hysterical laryngitis.

Five years, I can't shut you up.

One day, I need you to say something,

you dummy up on me.

It's all your fault.

Oh, shut up.

Hey, Felix,

when you first saw the burglars,

weren't you able to get out without them seeing you?

Why didn't you?

You did it to warn me.

And I've been mad at you.

I'm sorry.

I'm not going to be mad at you anymore, buddy.

I really am not.

Forgive me?

Wow!

Boy, I don't know how long we're going to stay like this.

It's going to get kind of boring by Saturday.

What are we going to do?

What?

Sing? I can't sing.

I can't raise my voice anyway, if I could sing.

Shh.

Sing quietly?

You mean, like Nat King Cole?

Are you out of your mind?

I can't do that.

♪ Mona Lisa ♪

♪ Mona Lisa, men have named you... ♪

No, I don't want to sing.

We've got to do something else.

What?

Make funny faces?

That's a good idea.

I got one.

I got one. I got one.

What are we laughing about?

I wonder who is there.

Guys, it's me, Murray.

You fellas still up?

Come on in, Murray. Please, come in.

Come on in, Murray.

Yoo-hoo! Aw, come on, guys.

You're just hoping I'll go away, right?

No, no, I ain't. Come in. Come in.

I never wanted to see you before,

but now I want to see you.

Come in, Murray. Please come in. Come in.

I got a surprise for you.

What?

It's a nice big pizza.

Pizza. I'm starving. I'm starving.

Come in. Break the door down.

Come on, this is your last chance.

- Break the door down. - I'm gonna go away.

Break the door down. Come on,

please, Murray with the big nose.

Please, Murray, break the door down, come on, come on.

I'm gonna shout, even if it hurts.

He's going away.

Murray, we were robbed!

Break the door down!

Murray, two burglars.

They just went out the back door.

Got cheese all over my outfit.

You can catch them if you hurry out the back door.

Okay. You two guys untie each other.

I'll go chase those burglars.

Boy, it's a good thing I got my hearing back.

You know, a miracle just happened.

What kind of miracle?

The miracle of friendship.

When I realized you were going to scream and hurt your voice,

I overcame my guilt,

and I got my voice back.

Isn't that wonderful?!

We should be very grateful for our friendship.

Well, we got 'em!

They started running, but I yelled, "Stop thief!"

And then I fired a warning shot in the air,

and they stopped, placed under arrest.

Oh, that's great, Murray. Wow!

Yeah, but I feel bad. Why?

I scared a pigeon.

You ought to see the little thing running through the park.

Murray, where's our stuff?

Down at the station. We need it for evidence now.

You'll get it back in a couple of days.

Okay.

Another job well done by your man in blue!

Murray?

Yeah?

Untie us.

Oh, yeah. There are so many details to this job.