Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Oscar?!

Here. Where?

In my room, here.

Oscar.

What'd you do, run home from Baltimore?

The elevator's broken. Yeah, I know.

Oh! Felix, you've got a mark on your neck.

What is that? I just climbed 11 flights of stairs.

176 steps.

With two suitcases.

Oh! You always overpack.

Looks like a hickey to me, buddy. Oh!

Is that a hickey? What is that?

What?

Oh, Miriam met me at the airport.

She was so glad to...

How long has the elevator been busted?

About four days.

She gave you a hickey like that? Miriam? Four days?!

At the airport? You've been climbing those steps

for four days?

How do you stand it?

I stayed inside.

I wish I had a girl who would give me a hickey right now,

I'll tell you that, boy.

A sandwich on his dartboard.

Beer...

That's why I don't have to go outside

until the elevator's fixed.

I eat, I phone in my column, and then I sleep.

Well, I'm not going to let this building

make a hermit out of me.

We got to do something about that.

Don't you go on one of your crazy crusades now.

Well, today it's an elevator, tomorrow a slum.

This building has been going straight downhill

ever since we got that new manager, that Mr. Lovelace.

Oh, cut it out, will you?

I'm very content here now.

I'm serious. So am I.

We've got to do something about this building.

Our front door squeaks, the bathroom tiles are loose,

the air conditioner blows hot air.

So do you! Now, will you cut it out, please?!

Oh! Now, this building is in great condition!

Hello, Mrs. Gossert.

How's tricks?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

♪ If you scream and shout ♪

♪ Turn the manager out, turn the manager out ♪

♪ If you'll only buckle down ♪

♪ Buckle down, you tenants, buckle down ♪

♪ We will not pay penance if you knuckle down ♪

♪ If you scream and shout ♪

♪ If you use your clout ♪

♪ To turn the manager out ♪

♪ If you'll only buckle down ♪

♪ Buckle down, you tenants, buckle down ♪

♪ We will not pay penance ♪

♪ If you knuckle down ♪

♪ If you scream and shout ♪

♪ If you use your clout ♪

♪ To turn the manager out ♪ Shut up!

♪ If you'll o... ♪

They love me!

What is the matter with you?

You can't enter a room like a normal person,

let someone sleep? Oh!

And who's the guy wearing the skirt?

That's Jock McDonough, 14th floor.

Isn't he great?

He marched to the Housing Administration

dressed like that? Oh.

Surprised he didn't freeze his bagpipes off.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Every single tenant in this building marched except you.

Oh, you should have heard us.

"Our pipes all leak, "our drains all clog,

it shouldn't happen to a dog!"

In unison! I made that up.

It's very catchy.

Listen, the tenants want to have a rent strike.

I have to hold them back.

Felix, what did you accomplish?

We saw the proper authorities,

we told them our complaints,

and they've called Lovelace in before the board.

Boy, is he in big trouble.

I can't believe you got...

Come in. MIRIAM: Felix? Felix?

Tell him what marching is.

Tell him all about it. Guess what?

I just ran into Mr. Lovelace. Yeah?

And he wants to see you in his office right away.

Right away?

Yeah.

Well, he'll just have to wait

till I get down there, won't he?

I don't think I'll... I'll make him crawl.

In victory... magnanimity!

I'll make him crawl a little.

Isn't he wonderful?

You really like him, don't you? Yeah.

Listen, I saw what you gave him at the airport today,

that little hickey right there when you met him, huh?

I didn't meet him at the airport.

It was, uh, a Mr. Hickey

he had to meet there.

See, I was testing you. Mm-hmm.

I'll see you later. Yeah.

Where you going?

Cut my throat.

Mr. Lovelace?

No Mr. Lovelace.

No wonder the rest of us don't have water.

Here I am.

Oh.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I took so long, my darling.

Oh, that's all right.

Hmm?

Oh, Unger.

I didn't know there was a human in the room.

Well, whom were you talking to?

The gang.

Oh.

Yeah, I've heard that's a very good idea, talking to plants.

Mm. How long have you been doing that?

Oh, for years. Uh-huh.

Except for last month; we had a little falling out.

That's all patched out now.

I stepped out of line, baby.

Well, Mr. Lovelace, can we get down to cases?

Yes.

The housing board mentioned some repairs.

Hmm.

And?

I'm raising the rent $25 a month.

You are what?!

Don't raise your voice in front of the plants.

Don't let him upset you.

The commissioner ruled that because of

all the improvements I've made, I am entitled to a rent raise.

What improvements?

The welcome mats, for one.

Big deal, welcome mats.

And also, I painted the lobby,

I bought the doorman a new uniform,

I redecorated my office, lots and lots of things.

What about our leaky pipes? What about our broken windows?

What about the cigarette butts in the elevator?

What about our squeaking door?

I've got them on my list.

But first things first.

What comes first?

The rent.

Mr. Lovelace, I've been having a certain amount of difficulty

holding the tenants in check.

When they hear about this, the fur is really going to fly.

Yeah?

What can they do about it?

How does a rent strike grab you?

You hear that?

You call a rent strike, and I'll cut off all services.

You cut off all services ages ago!

You're a troublemaker, Unger.

And darned proud of it.

This country was founded by troublemakers.

Millions for defense, not one cent for tribute!

We're going to win this fight.

He's a nut.

We've been singing all day.

How long are we supposed to go on like this? Folks...

Lovelace is scared.

This rent strike is going to work.

Look, he turned off the heat... So what?

He turned off our water... So what?

We're going to go over his head!

Yeah, but how?

Nobody even knows who owns this building.

Right. And that's why I've called in Officer Greshler.

He's my chief bloodhound.

We're counting on you, Officer Greshler.

You can keep on counting, Felix.

We want you to find out who the owner of this building is.

Want to give me a description of the man?

If I knew what-what he looked like, I'd know who he is.

Another blind alley.

Folks, go back to your apartments.

Go in good cheer.

Go in confidence. We're going to win.

Are we doing the right thing?

Yes, we're doing... I'm freezing!

No, you're not freezing. Yes, I am!

Remember Valley Forge.

Nobody's cold, nobody's suffering.

We can stand it. We're fine.

It's c... It's cold. It's cold.

It's cold.

It's a little brisk.

No, it's not brisk, it's cold, it's really cold.

It's cold.

Lovelace turned off the heat. Yes, I know.

Isn't that great?

He's scared.

Yeah, I'm scared, too.

I'm scared stiff.

Felix, my room is freezing!

Well, good, it'll keep things fresh in there.

Felix, you see that? Yeah.

Well, when that defrosts enough to make a fist,

you better get out of my sight!

What are you doing?

Let me have 20 minutes at 350, then turn me over, okay?

Oh!

Yes? Yes? Come in.

We're here for the door, Mr. Unger.

Ah.

It's all yours.

Oscar! OSCAR: Yeah?

Come here!

What?

We have won!

He's going to give us heat?

I'm going to call your newspaper.

Well, if I were you, I'd wait for the next edition.

What are you doing?

Oh, Lovelace told us to take away your door.

Uh, nothing personal, Mr. Unger.

I hope you won't hold this against us at Christmastime.

Mr. Fafner.

Come back here.

You-you can't take our door.

Bring back my door.

What about Christmas?

Where are we gonna hang a wreath?

You see what he did?

He fixed the squeak.

We're-we're utterly defenseless.

We'll have to stand guard.

Any kook can walk right in.

Come in, Murray!

What's the matter, you forget something?

No, no. I made a quick phone call,

and I got a good lead. Yeah, what? What?

This building is owned by somebody in show business.

Now, I can't divulge who it is until all the facts are in.

Aha. Just-just tell us his name.

Well, that's one of the facts that isn't in yet.

But I'm working on it.

Murray? Yeah, yeah.

Don't you want to know what happened to our door?

I can only work on one case at a time.

Add quite a smidgen

of garlic powder, salt and thyme.

Thank you very much.

Changing of the guard.

May have some cool polar air

in the region of the north country press slowly southward

to cover the northern two-thirds of the nation.

High winds swept the north and middle-Atlantic states

to the rear of the Atlantic storm

that provided a chilly, blustery day,

as winter staged a return visit.

♪ ♪

Oscar.

Oscar!

What, what's the matter?

What happened?

What happened with what?

Where's our furniture? Where's our TV set?

Wow.

You miss one payment...

We were robbed.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a zoo.

Felix, they've taken away all our doors.

We can't live without doors.

We're living without furniture.

There is not a single door in this entire building.

A lot of us have been robbed.

The police are on it.

They're going to find everything.

Believe me. You told us

you were gonna handle Mr. Lovelace.

And I am, I'm going down there right now.

I'm gonna tear that man limb from limb.

Hello, how are you?

Tenants, I have an announcement.

After much consideration,

management has decided to settle the strike.

You did it, Unger!

We're gonna give you your doors back

and turn the heat back on.

There will be no rent increase.

But... nobody gets any of those things

unless Felix Unger moves out of this building.

You want me to help you with something else?

What's the matter?

I'm not moving fast enough for you?

Oh, come on, Felix, I'm sorry I yelled, "Hooray, hooray."

It was one of those involuntary things.

Where you gonna go?

I don't know.

Where do martyrs go?

Somewhere in this heartless city,

there must be a lowly bed for me.

"Room and bath, buck and a half..."

Oh, no, Felix, don't do that.

You can't make me feel guilty.

You walked into this with your eyes wide open.

I said to you, "Don't get involved, you'll be sorry."

Didn't I tell you so?

Oscar, all those times you went to the track

and I told you not to go

'cause you couldn't afford to lose

and you came back dead broke

and you got those threatening letters from Blanche's lawyer,

did I ever once say to you, "I told you so"?

Yeah, always.

Well, no matter.

I didn't let you go to jail, did I?

I lent you the money, didn't I?

It's money I'll never see again, that's for sure.

Yeah, but that's nothing.

It's easy to lend money,

but there's nothing I can do about this.

No, no, of course not.

What is expected of a friend? Nothing.

You're a lucky man, Oscar.

You're getting rid of Felix, and it's not even on your head.

Lovelace is doing your dirty work for you.

Oh, talk all you want.

You're not gonna make me feel guilty,

'cause it's not my fault.

Nothing I can do about it.

♪ Look down, look down ♪

♪ That lonesome road ♪

♪ With no one to say... ♪

Shh, shh, shh.

Mr. Lovelace... Shh.

I'm trying to get them to sleep.

You're Madison, right? Yeah.

I never forget a tenant.

You room with that troublemaker, Unger.

Yeah. Yeah.

Remember him? Ah, come on.

Aren't you being a little harsh with Felix?

No.

He stirs up the other tenants.

And he shouted at my geraniums.

So he gets carried away...

He should get carried away in a basket.

Any man who wipes his shoes before going outside...

So he likes clean.

That's no reason to throw a man out

without a minute's notice, is it?

I mean, look, I'll tell you the truth.

Shh, shh. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry.

I'll level with you.

See, I've been waiting for years

to get rid of him myself, but not like this.

Why don't we give him a couple of months,

maybe to find someplace else,

or maybe he'll even go back with his wife, see?

He'll be gone, and we'll all be happy.

Yeah, well, the gang and I

will be happy only if he's gone by tonight.

Wait a minute, I came down here to work this out reasonably.

You gotta give a little.

No, you... you don't understand.

I'm the manager.

What I say goes.

And the next thing that goes may be you.

Hey, you're loony, Lovelace, you know that?

You treat people like they're plants

and plants like they're people.

I'm glad they weren't awake to hear that.

Yeah, well, Felix and I are staying.

What do you think of that?

The other tenants aren't gonna like it

because no one gets heat or doors until he's gone.

Your nice neighbors are gonna turn into an angry mob.

Yeah, well, we're gonna stay, and that's that.

Yeah... boo! Don't! Shh!

Everybody up!!

Rise and shine!

Drop your roots and grab your ferns!

Everybody, here we go!

That's an expectant mother!

Shh, shh, shh.

You really told him off.

You know I did.

You lost your temper? Yes, sir.

That's great!

You woke up his flowers, though, huh? Yes, sir.

Oh, you shouldn't have done that.

Well, he got me mad.

The important thing is you're staying anyway.

Oh, this is just... it's just...

You're top drawer in my chiffonier.

I'm gonna go tell the tenants. No, no, no, no!

I wouldn't do that if I were you. Why?

Well, Felix, it's gonna be very difficult

for you to talk with their fists in your mouth.

What do you... what do you mean?

Well, nothing has changed.

You stay, they don't get doors, they don't get heat.

They may get violent.

That big bully.

Well, now he's going to find out

the meaning of solidarity.

We've got wonderful people in this building.

They're gonna rally behind me.

You see, here's Mrs. Osgood.

Hi.

Get out!

Get out while you have the chance, pinko.

You think the mob will attack tonight?

It's quiet out there.

Yeah, too quiet.

Saw this scene in a movie once.

It happened to Randolph Scott.

He didn't pay his rent?

Yes?

Felix, it's me.

Miriam?

Yeah.

This is a trick.

Oh, come on, will you?

How do... how do I know it's you, Miriam?

I need proof.

Okay, remember the night in the tunnel of love

in Far Rockaway? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, it's you, you can come in.

Come underneath. Yeah.

Oh, my goodness.

Watch your head.

Miriam, what we do on a date

is private business.

How would you like it if I told...

Felix, will you knock it off!

I just wanted to be with you.

You've got an angry mob in this building.

Oh, Miriam, you ran that gauntlet for me?

All right, Unger!

You've got one minute!

Miriam, there's something I've got to tell you.

Something happened in Baltimore.

It didn't mean anything at all to me.

I was lonely in a strange town.

A man has needs, Miriam.

Felix, this is not the time.

You come out or we're coming in!

No, you're not, no, you're not!

Get him out of here!

Let's throw him out!

You two... Shut up!

There's the man who made you live like animals

in the freezing cold without doors.

Let's beat him up.

Yeah! All right.

We're wasting time, let's move their stuff.

Wait a minute here. You take your hands off that!

How can you people turn against Felix?

Doesn't anybody here have a conscience?

You, Mrs. Osgood, when one of your cats was missing,

who went out in the rain and found it?

Who almost caught pneumonia

pulling it down from the tree?

And you, Mrs. Gossett,

when your daughter got married,

why, the groom's side of the family was so cheap,

they wouldn't kick in for anything,

who took the wedding pictures for nothing?

Yeah and they were nice, too.

Yeah.

And you, Mr. Ralston, when you got that ulcer

from that crazy job at the zoo,

who cooked for you?

Who taught you how to coddle an egg?

And this week, when you needed a leader,

who batted his brains out for you?

Felix Unger, and now you're gonna

help this man to throw him out!

I don't believe it, I just don't believe it.

Where do you get off

throwing our leader out of the building?

Yeah! Right!

Let's beat him up.

That's a good idea.

All right.

But if you stand with them, you stand in the cold.

This is an impasse.

It's a case of an irresistible force

meeting an immovable object.

It would take the wisdom of Solomon to solve this.

Hold it.

I've solved the case.

Look, he showed up just like the cavalry.

Yeah, will you look at that bugle.

I went through every conglomerate

and every big holding company and I finally

tracked down the owner of this building and it's a big TV star.

I bet it's David Janssen. Oh?

Meet Rodney Allen Rippy.

How do you like that?

I am Mr. Rippy's attorney.

Which one of you is Lovelace?

I am.

Yes, well, Mr. Rippy has something to say to you.

You're fired.

You'll get your severance pay in the mail.

Please be off the premises by noon tomorrow.

What am I going to tell the plants?

They always know when I'm lying.

Mr. Rippy would like you to know

that had he been aware of the situation sooner,

he would have come into it sooner.

Now, you're all going to get your doors back.

There will be no rent increase,

and you'll have free hamburgers for a month.

In the kitchen... Free cookies and milk on me!

How does a small child like this come to own a big building?

Tax shelter.

I think we've finished our business here.

Maybe we should have turned this place into a condominium.

Well, right triumphs over might after all.

Come on, let's have some milk and cookies.

No, no, no. Let's take a walk around the block.

I want to hear what happened in Baltimore

with the hickey and everything.

I was sitting in the coffee shop... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This girl came up to join me.

She had the biggest... Get out of here!

Come in.

You wanted to see us, Mr. Lovelace?

Yes.

As you know, I'm leaving.

I've lost my political base in this building.

But before I go, I want you to know I'm sorry

things got so far out of hand.

Well, we're not angry, are we?

I don't hold any grudges.

They recovered our furniture.

Let bygones be bygones.

You're both happy?

Yeah. Yeah.

That's good.

Okay, gang... kill!

Kill! Kill! Get 'em!

Ah, it's just my little joke.

Oh.