Original subtitles

The weather is clear, and the track is lightning fast.

In just a few moments,

the horses will be approaching the starting gate.

It's a fine day here on Long Island, not a cloud

in the sky, and 52,000 of the faithful that turned out

to see a truly great field go a grueling mile and one-quarter.

What are you doing? I'm listening to that.

Felix! Nobody just listens to a horse race.

You bet money on the race, didn't you?

Just a few dollars, that's all. Yeah, sure.

How can you do it, Oscar? Give me the radio.

How can you do it?

Please let me listen to the race.

All the money you owe me, now, I'm gonna show you something.

Please, please. You just wait, just wait.

Oh, not the book again. Please not the book!

"Monies owned by Madison to Unger."

Oh, Felix.

"Volume two."

Will you cut it out?

$418.

Felix, please!

$255.

And who could ever forget 1971?

Here's a real biggie.

$812.

That was the year my son Leonard couldn't go to camp.

He got plenty of sun, didn't he?

I took him to the racetrack twice a week.

And you owe Leonard $40.

And now we come to 1972.

Felix, I know exactly how much I owe you: $1,480.

I'm gonna pay you back every penny today.

Sure, and chickens have lips.

Oh...

Are you going to listen to me?

Will you get out of the way?

It's a radio!

Ladies Only and Flookey, noses apart.

At the eight pole, it's Flookey one head over Ladies Only.

Ladies Only and Flookey,

and they're coming to the finish line,

and it's Ladies Only!

Ladies Only... he won! Ladies Only... he won!

He won, and 40 to one. He won!

He won at 40 to one! Now, let me see.

There we go. What are you doing?

At 40 to one. At 40 to one. What are you doing?

You can mark me paid in full, Chicken Lips!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Oh, Mac!

Hey!

You snapped, sir?

Yeah. Our table... When is it gonna be ready?

We're starving.

In a minute, monsieur. What is it?

So classy, the way you do that.

Oh, I want a table.

All right, enough suspense.

What's the big surprise you brought me here for?

Well, the surprise is the guy I'm gonna introduce you to

is gonna make us a millionaire.

Really?

Does this have anything to do with horses perchance?

As a matter of fact... Good-bye, Oscar.

Will you wait a minute?

Felix, this is not the first time.

This is three out of three winners.

Now I'm sure. Oh, now you're sure.

I got a guy at the racetrack

that's giving me inside information!

Really? Yeah.

Like that 82-year-old Gypsy

who could see horses in the tea leaves?

Did she ever give you one winner?

No, but she was right about the earthquake

in Peru, wasn't she?

I just couldn't get a bet down in time.

I wish I can get a table. Hey!

The minute is up. May I have a table, sir? Thank you.

Oh, Your Honor, right this way, monsieur.

Oh, thank you, monsieur. Thank you.

Monsieur.

What is going on?

You're not gonna get a table snapping and calling like that.

What am I supposed to do?

You have to schmear the guy. Oh.

Give him at least two dollars, and you do it subtly.

I know how to do it once I know what the procedure is.

Hey, buddy, here's three dollars.

How about a table?

This way, monsieur. Yeah.

To the bar?

You're getting closer.

Felix, what are you doing there? Come on!

I'm ashamed to be seen with you.

I'm at the bar. I got closer.

Oscar!

Harry!

Hi. Shh!

I don't want 'em to notice me.

Well, okay, come on, Harry.

Come on.

Harry, I'd like you to meet my roommate, Felix Unger.

Felix, I'd like you to meet Harry Tallman.

How do you do, Mr. Tallman?

Sit, sit, come on.

You must be a jockey.

Well, I tried to be, but I was too small.

Yeah, he ain't kidding.

See, I wrote an article on him called "Short in the Saddle."

And that article got me a job

as an exercise rider, thanks to Oscar.

So that's why you're giving him tips, huh?

Cool it, will you? We're trying to keep it a secret.

Harry, I want you to tell Felix... those tips you gave me...

Now, were they luck, or were they sure things? Tell him?

They won, didn't they? Shh!

See? I mean, he's got a knack with horses.

He works them out in the morning.

He knows they can run six furlongs

one-ten-three, one-12.

We're gonna make a fortune!

Shh!

Don't worry, we're gonna be careful.

From now on, we'll use our code, okay, Harry?

Okay. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this.

Well, I think I'll go.

So long, kid.

Okay, now you met him.

Three out of three winners.

You want to risk your money?

No!

My mother didn't raise her children to be suckers.

Okay. Suit yourself.

Your table is ready, monsieur. Finally.

Yeah, you go ahead, Felix.

I'm stuffed.

It's Minnie June by a length.

It's Minnie June drawing away, and Minnie June wins it!

You're killing me. Tapeworm!

Monsieur Madison, we prepared for you

your usual chateaubriand.

Oh, thank you, Armand, thank you. Ah!

Oh, that looks terrific! Mmm!

Oh, wait a minute. Whoa!

Yes, sir?

That's the way you serve a steak?

You call that well done? Oh, so sorry, sir.

I mean, with a little care, that could have lived.

A little care it could have lived?

Tapeworm!

Monsieur, I will tell the chef immediately

to burn a fresh steak for you. Thank you.

Good. Thank you very much, Armand.

Your chateaubriand, monsieur.

Here. Put a little caviar

on one of the crackers for me, will you?

Ah, sure.

Oscar?

Hey, do you want me to get rid of this creep, Mr. Madison?

I'm his roommate.

Yeah, that's my roommate.

Leave him alone, nut.

Oh, I'm just protecting you

from the leeches, baby, that's all.

Come on, have a seat, sweetheart.

Felix, sit.

I want you to meet my entourage.

Hello, entourage.

Hi, there.

Well, what'll it be, Felix?

Quail's eggs, pâte, caviar?

It's all on me.

It certainly is.

Not in front of my entourage.

Can I talk to you, please?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Beat it. Scram. See you later, okay?

So long. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Whoo! Let's go. Take care.

See you. Now, don't forget.

I'll meet you all 10:00 tomorrow morning at Tiffany's.

I know you love me. I know you love me.

They love me.

So, what is this? What are you doing?

I'm living out my fantasies.

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

Don't you realize

that he who calls the tune must pay the piper?

What are you going to do when the golden goose dies?

They'll serve it to me under glass.

What good is all this doing?

You're blowing it as fast as it comes in.

That's impossible.

Felix, you see this here?

See that bulge right at the... See?

You mean, you're making so much money,

you have to carry a gun?

That's not a gun.

It's more money.

I can't lose.

I got a gold mine.

The only thing missing is,

I'm not sharing all this good fortune

with my best friend.

Well, I have an entourage, too.

Blood, sweat and tears.

I work for my money.

Today wipes out a lifetime of losses.

I am in the black for a lifetime.

You mean, that you've won more in the last week

than you've lost in your whole life?

Now, you got it!

Including your bets on the St. Louis Browns?

Yeah!

And Thomas E. Dewey?

Yes!

And all those white heavyweights?

Every penny of it.

And you're proud of that, aren't you?

That you're making money without lifting a finger?

Doesn't it bother you that decent people like me

have to work for a living? No.

Well, it doesn't bother me, either. I want to be with you.

Number five, right?

Two heads of lettuce,

vinegar and a lot of oil.

Right, gotcha. Bye-bye.

What's that about lettuce and oil?

That's Harry's secret code, and here it is.

Fifth race, Tossed Salad. See it?

Isn't that wonderful?!

You bet it is.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm so rich, I'm gonna burn all my old clothes.

What's this pile?

That's my new clothes.

What are you doing with the racing form?

Felix Unger does not simply invest.

He gets involved.

I want to learn the horse game from the fetlocks up.

Felix, all you have to know is, ask me who's gonna win,

I'll tell you, and then you bet on it.

Winning, I understand...

What do they mean when they say "place" and "show"?

Oh, come on, Felix, everybody knows what they mean

when they say place and show?

No, it's not mentioned in the Encyclopedia Britannica.

Well, "place" means when a horse comes in second.

"Show" means when it comes in third.

Well, what's the difference?

Well, it means you can get paid

if your horse comes in second or third.

Your horse can finish third, and they give you money?

Yeah.

Oh, but he's got to finish

just a-a teenie weenie bit behind the winner.

No, it doesn't matter... he could finish 20 lengths behind.

It still doesn't matter. You still get paid.

Your horse can get beaten by 20 lengths,

and they still pay you?!

Yeah.

And you've been losing money all these years?!

Come on, Felix.

There are a lot of horses in a race.

Besides, you don't win as much if you bet a horse

to come in third as you do bet him to win.

Ah, ah, yeah, yeah. What else you want to know?

Everything... the horses, the jockeys, the tracks.

I'm a clean slate, Oscar. Write on me.

Oh, come on, Felix. I don't have the time.

I want to get a bet in on Tossed Salad.

Now, you want to bet with me?

The odds are four to one.

Now, what does that mean, four to one?

That means every dollar you bet, you get four dollars back.

Ah. Okay, good. I'll do it. A dollar.

A dollar?

You can't bet a dollar. I'll risk it.

No. I'm sorry, you're gonna have to go all the way

and risk at least two dollars.

All right, I'll go all the way... two dollars.

You sure that's all?

Well, this is my first time.

Then I'll be gentle.

Hello, Irwin? Oscar.

Yeah. Fifth race, Tossed Salad.

I want $202 to win.

That's right, $202.

The two dollars?

From Felix the Greek.

Yeah. Bye-bye.

That's my code name, huh?

All right, your bet is in. You got two dollars to win.

To win? Yeah.

No, no.

It should be one dollar to win,

and then 70 cents to place

and 30 cents to show.

Here, you call Irwin and explain it to him.

Felix, hurry up, will you?

The race is gonna start any minute.

Let's go.

What is that?

It's my lucky sweater.

I wore it all through grammar school.

It won me the spelling bee, the potato race at the picnic,

and I was wearing it when my skin cleared up.

See? See my name there?

Ready to go.

From camp.

And they're off.

Coming out of the gate, it's Music Lad, Silver Oak

and Nick O' Time, Rodney G., Rubatub and Tossed Salad.

Oh, no! No...!

It's early. It's early. It's early.

You mean we still have a chance?

Of course we have a chance. It just started.

Come on, sweater, come on, sweater.

In the backstretch, it's Silver Oak, Nick O' Time,

Music Man, Rodney G., Rubatub and Tossed Salad.

The sweater isn't working.

Come on, help me take... Felix...

Take it off me, take it off me.

Take it off.

And at the far turn, Silver Oak and Music Man,

and coming through on the rail, Tossed Salad.

It's working. It's working. It's working.

But if he doesn't win, I lose everything!

Yeah, you blow the whole two dollars.

Into the homestretch, it's Silver Oak... Music Man,

and here comes Tossed Salad.

Now he makes his move.

You call yourself a horse?!

And now, they're neck and neck... Silver Oak and Tossed Salad.

Silver Oak, Tossed Salad. They cross the finish line.

It's Tossed Salad!

He was playing with them!

He could have ended it at any time.

He was playing with them!

I won ten big ones, fella!

Maybe you shouldn't do this anymore; you get too excited.

Are you kidding?!

400% on my investment in a minute and a half!

And to think, all these years

I've been squandering my savings in a bank.

And for what?

A lousy five percent and a free Waterpik.

What are you doing?

I'm taking my money away from those robber barons.

Why should I risk my savings

on blue chips, mutual funds, treasury bonds?

I've got a midget named Harry!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Yes! Yes.

I'll take them all, please. Put them right here.

Here's $50.

Thank you.

No smoking!

That's Tchaikovsky, isn't it?

Enough of that sentimental tripe.

The next time you see me in here,

please play Bach and Bach only.

Thank you.

Voilà, monsieur.

Chateau Flaubert 1953.

A magnificent little wine.

That was very good. How do you do that?

Oh, sir.

Oh, very good. Thank you.

Thank you, monsieur.

Don't beg.

Ah, Monsieur Madison.

Hi, um... What would you like to eat?

Just give me the usual, will you?

One venison on an onion roll.

Yeah. A lot of mayonnaise, huh?

Well, how else would one have it, monsieur?

Hey, that's a terrific jacket, buddy.

Thank you, monsieur, thanks to you.

Listen, traffic over here was murder.

We still got a half hour. Harry called me.

I got some good news in the fifth race.

Go ahead. See, he told me that the favorite's been

sneezing all day... means a long shot has a better chance.

I want us to double up our bet.

Great. I've got even better news. What?

We did so well in the daily double

that we've completely wiped Irwin out of the business.

He was here half an hour ago, made his final payoff.

He's out of the business?

Isn't that wonderful?

No, that's terrible.

Who we gonna make the bet with now?

You know plenty of bookies.

Yeah, but nobody I would trust with a bet that large.

Well, then... we'd better get to the track.

We won't have time; we got to go to OTB.

What's that? Offtrack betting.

The city will be our bookie.

Well, why didn't we bet with the city to begin with?

Because Irwin is a better risk.

Come on, let's go.

New York Daily News!

Read all about it...!

Hey, Oscar, I hear you're doing great.

What is it? You got some inside info?

Oh, no, no, you know I don't cover the horses in my column.

Oh, you must be onto something if you broke Irwin.

No. I just happened to be on a lucky streak, that's all.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna watch everything you do,

so I can bet right along with you.

Felix, we're in trouble.

What? What? They know I'm hot.

They're gonna bet on the horse I bet on.

It'll knock the odds down.

I'm lucky if we can get even money.

Then what'll we do? I'm gonna bet on another horse.

We'll lose all our money! No, no, no.

I'm only gonna bet $20 on my horse.

You're gonna make the big bet on the real horse,

Rings and Things, see. Ah-ha!

Shh, keep the "ah-ha" down.

Rings and Things. Rhymes with "jing-a-ling."

Rings and Things. But you're not with me.

You're not with me. You never saw me, right? Got you. I got you.

Hey, Oscar, I hear you're getting it on the inside.

Oh, no, no. Oh, thank you very much, sir,

for letting me read your paper.

My pleasure, stranger.

Just a little touch of Southern hospitality.

Very nice of you.

Hope I run into you again sometime,

though I don't consider it very likely,

because I'm very seldom in this part of the country.

Enough, Colonel!

You know what you were telling me

about the selling window? This is it, sir.

Ah, I understand perfectly. Good.

Perfectly. Okay.

Come on, Oscar, who-who's gonna win?

Who's gonna win? Well, fellas,

I'm gonna bet on Tanglefoot,

but I wish you wouldn't go with me.

I mean, I been going sour.

Well, well, looks as though we're neighbors, stranger. Yeah.

Are you still betting that same horse?

Who's he betting?! Who's he betting?!

Yeah. Still using that same system?

What system?! What?! What?!

I don't see how closing your eyes

and stickin' a pin through a program can work.

However, as they say in my part of the country,

one man's chicken is another man's gumbo!

Take it easy, mister, you ain't goin' no place.

It's Tanglefoot and Rings and Things,

Tanglefoot and Rings and Things, they're neck and neck,

nose and nose, and at the wire,

it's Rings and Things, the winner!

Oh, man! See what happened.

You stink, Madison!

I tell you, I'm sorry, fellas.

Well, I'm going back to my old system:

find out who you're betting on and then go against him!

I don't blame you.

Close your eyes and poke at a program.

Yeah.

Tough luck, strangers,

but those are the breaks of the game, aren't they?

Well, if you're ever down in my neck of the woods,

I hope y'all drop in, we'll split a possum, ya hear?

Who is it?

There's nobody here.

Then it must be Harry. Let him in.

Hi, Harry!

Come on in! Hey! Hi, fellas!

Harry! Hey!

I thought we weren't supposed to meet.

It doesn't matter anymore; I quit.

What? You what?

Well, I'm a happy man now.

I finally made it as a jockey.

I'm gonna ride in Panama.

Oh, great.

Congratulations.

You can give us great tips as-as a jockey.

I don't know any Panama bookies.

Oh, I'm sorry, Oscar.

I hate to let you down like this.

What do you mean, let us down?

Listen, you've been so terrific to us!

I want to thank you for everything you did,

and I want to tell you I wish you

the best of luck there in Panama.

Thank you.

Oh, I almost forgot.

If it means anything to you,

Yellow Angel is running in the third.

Yellow Angel in the third.

I didn't ride him, but he looks real good.

Ah, thanks for everything, Harry.

Thanks, Harry.

At last, I'm a jockey.

I feel five feet tall.

Yellow Angel in the third, it's a sure thing.

No, no, I didn't hear Harry say "sure thing."

Third, third. What are you doing?

The odds are 12 to one. Yeah, but he didn't seem very positive.

We could retire for life!

No, but he didn't seem excited about it.

Where's Oscar? This isn't Oscar.

No, I may have lost it. I think I turned into a chicken.

We have 25 pounds of money in here, So?

At 12 to one.

It'll be 300 pounds of money.

Please, Felix, don't. Oh, but the penthouse.

No, Felix, don't.

Oh, the terrace with the pool, Don't do it, please.

The billiard room!

Oh, come on. All right, all right, all right!

But let's take some of the money out,

put it aside for something we really need,

then we'll bet the rest.

Bet the rest. All right. Okay? Okay.

Five dollars for socks.

ANNOUNCER In just a few moments,

the horses will be approaching the starting gate.

And they're off! Coming out of the gate.

And Yellow Angel.

Crazy Sal and Yellow Angel.

And coming out on the rail, it's Crazy Sal and Yellow Angel.

Crazy Sal and Yellow Angel!

As they cross the wire, it's...

Two lousy inches.

It's a nose, Felix.

They call it "losing by a nose."

How can they tell from those pictures?

All cameras distort.

Yeah, you're probably right, but it can't change a thing.

What about that foul?!

I know I saw that other horse bump him!

Even if he did, it doesn't mean anything.

The jockey didn't tell them.

We could tell them. And what happens, right?

They call everybody up, all the winners,

and they say, "Listen, there's been a mistake.

Give all your money to Felix and Oscar." Yes, yes, yes!

They can't do that! Why not?!

They just don't! Will you stop already

and pull yourself together?!

I don't know how you can take things so calmly.

We had a whole briefcase full of money.

Now...

We had a great time, didn't we?

We had a marvelous time.

What's the sense of ruining it with what we should have done?

You're right.

Maybe it's better this way.

We were getting just a little bit crazy with all that money.

We sure were.

But we were so close.

It was just in the palm of my hands!

I just... Please, listen to me.

Look, as a gambler, listen to me.

You could run this over in your mind a thousand times.

Oh!

"Oh, I should have done that. Oh, I should have done this.

Why didn't I do that? Why didn't I do this?"

All of it means nothing.

All the talk doesn't mean anything,

because, Felix, one thing is for sure:

there is no such thing as a sure thing.

That's why they call it gambling.

You're right.

What am I so miserable about?!

We had a wonderful time, didn't we? We sure did.

We're not out anything, we're just back where we started. Absolutely.

We made a lot of money, and we had a wonderful...

Two inches!

That is the difference between you and me.

I cured myself. I got over it.

You can't seem to do it, can you?

I at least got over the gambling fever,

but you're still hooked.

You don't care what happens to you, do you?

You don't care how humiliated you make yourself.

You'll do anything, won't you?

You'll do anything for two dollars.

All right, go ahead, do it.